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Ladies and gentlemen,
live from the Moore Theatre

in Seattle...
Patton Oswalt!

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

Whoo!

I love you, Patton!

Nothing I'm going

to say will live up to that.

Stop it.

Oh, man.

Thank you.

Thank you, Seattle.

-God. Wow.
-Woman:

Oh, man. Ohh!

So I'm very, uh, happy to be here.

Not as lucid as I would like to be,

but... I'm very happy.

I don't know. I'm with someone...
two things really quick.

Uh, when you be...
when you become a new dad,

they don't tell you about
the constant hallucinating

that you do.

I just hallucinate.

That's all I do.

Because I'm on two hours sleep
all the time.

I wouldn't have wasted
all that time in the '90s

gobbling all the L.S.D.

And mushrooms that I did.

All I... All I had to do
was get two hours sleep a night.

And you walk around...
every light has a tracer,

and... I can...
I can taste colors.

It's just nonstop.

Oh, and also, um, I want to apologize

to anybody that I ever made fun of

for wearing sweatpants in public.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I was wrong. You were right.

They're a miracle.

They're a miracle.

I thought... I thought that
the... the pinnacle of mankind

would be Mars colony or teleportation.

Nope. Sweatpants.

That was it.

Sweatpants.

We started...
it was fire

and the wheel and writing,
agriculture, penicillin,

Sweatpants.

Everything else, we're just
on the downward slope.

We did it. We're all done.

And if you... If you see somebody
in sweatpants in public,

they stink.

they smell horrible.

Nobody...
Nobody takes a shower, shampoos,

shaves, brushes their teeth,
and then puts sweatpants...

At that point...

They just go, "Oh, well,
I may as well get dressed

if I did all that.

Why would I..."

Every... Sweatpants are
always pulled on

over undeodorized flesh.

It's just...

It's all swamp ass and nut fog down here.

It's just a...
It's an unbroken belt of stink.

That's all it is.

You can cut slices like a bundt cake

and throw it at an attacker.

Just... "Oh, hot mayonnaise!"
I was driving around one day.

I was doing my daddy errands.

I had my sweatpants on.

And I'm in my car,
and I was thinking, you know,

my wife's been cooped up all day.

I bet she wants some magazines,
you know, to read.

So I pull up to this newsstand.

I don't put any money in the meter.

I pull up, I jump out,
grab a lot of magazines.

I turn around.

There's a guy about to write
a ticket on my car.

-And usually...
-Audience:

Well, usually when you talk your way

out of a ticket,
you try to add a little drama

and poetry.

You ramp up a little bit,
make it sound real.

No. All... I'm in blurt mode.

All I can do... I've got a fourth
of a brain cell firing.

I can form the beginning of a thought,

and then it falls out of my skull.

That's the best I can do.

So I walk up...
Here's my attempt

to talk my way out of a ticket.

Ready?

"Please don't put
a ticket on the car."

There it is.

There's my shot.

I-I may as well have
just walked up and went,

"Don't want this!"
That... that would've been

just as effective as what I said.

"No!"
So the g... the guy,

he looks at me, and for a half a second,

he's terrified.

Not... I'm not a scary guy.

I should've mentioned, I was wearing...

I was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt,

and they were the same color, so I...

I don't...

I-I didn't even look like
a Dr. Seuss drawing.

I looked like a Dr. Seuss
rough sketch that he did,

where he's in a bar one night,
some young girl's icing him out,

and he's like,
"Give me a napkin, goddamn it.

I'll show you who you're talking to.

Yeah. There. See?

-I made your childhood magical!"
-Yeah. Dr. Seuss

on an angry pussy hunt.

Strap in.

So...

Yeah.

So he... he's terrified
for half a second,

then he's furious, the way that...

I don't know if anyone here
has ever been frightened

by a moth.

You get frightened
by a spider or a hornet,

you go, "That scared the crap out of me.

That was a spider."

A moth scares you, your reaction is,

"Oh, God! Oh, that thing
is gonna die.

There is no way...
I'm not reaching

the end of my life, and I didn't

take care of a moth.

No way."

So now he's gotta kill the moth
and regain his manhood,

and he screams at me,
"Why didn't you put any money

in these meters?!"
And I said, "'Cause I thought

I could buy..."
I'm shaking a bag of magazines

at him now.

"I th..."
"I thought I could

buy my magazines and drive away
before you showed up."

And he says, "Get in your car

and get outta here."

And I go, "Thank you."

And then I get...
I get in my car,

I'm about to drive away,
and he leans into my window

and says, "Let me explain something

to you.

We don't have time to pull over and check

every one of these meters.

You understand?"
And I go,

"Yeah, I'm sorry, man."

And it took me three blocks
before it hit me...

"That's all you have time to do!

That's your...
You just described your job!

It doesn't say, 'Parking enforcement

and homicide' on the side of the car.

It's not like you're..."

"I got three ax murders in El Monte.

I gotta check all these meters?

There's a maniac on the loose."

And I want my daughter to grow up smart,

but now I don't know
how smart I want her to be.

There... there... there just
seems to be a connection to me,

and maybe I'm wrong about this...
I haven't really read

any statistics...
but there does seem to be

a connection between
really smart, really young,

and then crazy later on.

There just seems...
Like my brother-in-law

babysits these two kids in Chicago.

And they're...
They're 2 years old

And they're prodigies.

Their... Their... Their mom
Is a physicist,

And the dad plays Multiple instruments

In an orchestra,
And the kids are brilliant.

They're... They're 2 years old,
They speak languages,

They do advanced math,
They play instruments.

They're prodigies.

They're in diapers.

They're in diapers
And they do all that stuff.

So one time, My brother-in-law

Is babysitting, And one of the kids had

An... accident
In his diapers.

So My brother-in-law said,

"Oh, do I gotta change
Your diapers?"

And the little kid said,
"Diaper."

"Singular."

Yes, that's really smart.

That's also the confidence
of a serial killer.

If you...

If you are shitting your pants
And then correcting

People's grammar,
That's... You're just neck-deep

In the crazy pool, aren't you?

"Take off what?"
Audience:

"No, I didn't shit my pants.

It happened eight seconds ago.

I shat my pants.

Read a book, you lepton."

Then...

My parents come by, visit the new baby.

Hey, look, the main reason
that they're there

is to visit and see their grandchild.

That's the main reason.

But they're also there
to defend how they raised me.

That's one of the other things
on the agenda.

And by the way, your parents loved you,

and they completely screwed up.

They loved you,
they had horrible information,

they did the best they could,
they screwed everything up.

I'm screwing everything up,
I'm sure I'll find out

in 40 years.

But I'm reading the latest books
and I'm sure they're all wrong.

I'm trying.

So my mom visits,
and the baby needs a nap.

Put the baby in her bassinet,
and my mom said, "Oh, uh,

you put her on her back."

I was like, "Yeah.

There's a thing now,
it's called 'back to sleep.'

Put 'em on their back.

It prevents crib death."

My mom said, "You and your brothers

slept facedown every night.

You turned out fine."

I let that go.

I don't have four hours.

Then...
The baby woke up.

I gave her a bottle.

My mom said, "You fed her
like two hours ago."

I was like, "Yes, at this stage,
they need calories.

They... they need...
they need to eat that much.

They need the calories."

And my mom said, "You used to
scream all night,

we didn't feed you.

You turned out fine."

Whoo!

At that point, I wanted to say,

"I didn't turn out fine!

I'm a fat comedian with O.C.D.

I get up in front of strangers
and talk about my dick.

This is not good parenting."

She's like, "Uh, that... really?

Is that what he does?

Hmm?"
Look, I know that the bellwether

for bad parenting is the stripper,

but I put it to you.

A comedian is way worse than a stripper.

A stripper goes on stage,
shows you her tits

and her pussy, and you give her money,

as well you should.

That is a warm, neighborly thing to do.

Comedian goes on stage,
keeps his clothes on,

talks about his genitals.

How crazy would you think a stripper was

if she came out and did that?

Came out fully clothed...
"Guys, let me tell you

about my vagina for the duration

of this REO Speedwagon song.

You're definitely gonna wanna...
You're gonna want to hear

all about this.

Get your $1 bills out.

This is well worth your time."

I'd be like, "Wow.

Her dad must have fucked her
in a Garfield mask.

That is not... Whew.

That is not good."

Yeah.

♪ Fucking the daughter
in a Garfield mask ♪

♪ Yeah
Patton: You ever do... ♪

You ever do that when you're bored?

Like, you jock rock your life
in your head when it's...

When stuff is so boring,
you can't believe it.

That's what I do all day now.

♪ Standing in line
at the post office ♪

♪ Gonna buy
some commemorative stamps ♪

-♪ Yeah ♪
-♪ Eating the sleeve ♪

♪ of saltines in my underwear
watchin' "Carlito's Way" ♪

♪ Come on, yeah ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

♪ Jerking off
to internet porn ♪

♪ in my office
when I should ♪

♪ teach my daughter to read ♪
♪ Yeah ♪

-♪ Oh, yeah ♪
-♪ That's why I hope ♪

that, if the FBI or the CIA...
I just hope they never bug

my car.

Bug my... put a microphone
in my house, my office,

I don't care.

Don't bug my car.

When I'm driving alone,
the stuff that comes out

of my head when I'm bored in my car...

If my car has ever been bugged,
they've never taken

that microphone out.

I am the CIA's Christmas party
every year...

where they're like,
"We have another Oswalt.

Here we go."

Just hours of me
just sitting there, going,

"I said to... to...

♪ driving a... driving around ♪

♪ there's a lot of mexicans
out today ♪

♪ a lot of... ♪

♪ mexicans in my way ♪
♪ I like tacos ♪

oh, I got
the cutest little puppy in the world.

Yes, I do.

♪ he's a little sweetie
and he's waiting at home ♪

♪ and he's gonna... ♪
♪ and play with a bone ♪

♪ send ♪

♪ an A.P.B.
to the Burbank cops ♪

♪ there's a thief made of
cinnamon and lemon drops ♪

♪ he's covered in fur
from his nose to his feet ♪

♪ he's the crazy
kissing bandit ♪

♪ of Lincoln street ♪

All day,

alone in my car.

It's pathetic.

Pathetic.

"Guys, make the eggnog.

We got another hour of Oswalt.

He sings all of 'Abba Gold' on this one.

It's horrifying.

And Seger's playing on the radio.

He sings over it. It's insane."

I got offered to go, uh, audition

for a romantic comedy,
and they wanted me to audition

for the part of the...

♪ gay
best friend... ♪

which...

I...

It's 2011.

It's 2011.

I may as well put on blackface
and tap dance.

That is how...
that's how old

that cliche is now.

And I read

the script, and in every scene, he was

every standard gay best friend.

Like I walk in,
and she's crying, and I go,

"Oh, microwave popcorn
and red wine, stat!"

So...

Pointless.

Now I have a lot of gay friends,
and a lot of my gay friends

are idiots, just like my straight friends.

But in every movie, all gay characters

are these magical,
intelligent quip machines.

Which, if you're gay, has gotta feel

really dehumanizing after a while.

So I said, "Look,
I will audition if..."

And then they heard
my conditions and went,

"You're not doing this."

I went, "If I get the part,
I want to play the guy

really dumb.

I want to be the first
dumb gay best friend...

in the history of cinema.

Like, I'll keep... and I'll keep
all the gay best friend rhythms,

I just don't want to have anything helpful

or intelligent to say."

So every scene,

I would just walk in, and like, "I've seen

that look before, sweetie.

You... you want to...

Ha... um...

Do s... uh, uh...

Something with his cock, I guess.

I don't know.

Fuck. I'm tired."

"You and your two friends,
when the three of you

get together,
you guys are like the..."

Whoo!

"What... who are the guys

with the muskets?

What do they call those guys again?

Are they called musketeers?!

-Was I that close?!"
-And I-I could not

tell you the title of this movie
if you put a gun to my face.

It was...
every romantic comedy

should just be called
"Trying to fuck."

This week...

"This week, Jennifer Aniston and this guy

are gonna try to fuck.

Next week,
Jennifer Aniston and another guy

are gonna try to fuck.

Will they fuck?

Probably.

From the writer of 'Neh?'
and the director of 'Neh, '

comes 'Bleh.'"

Whoo!

Why do...

Why do they make trailers
for Jennifer Aniston movies?

They make...
They always make

a set amount of money.

What do they care?

I would actually...
I would... I would actually

go see a Jennifer Aniston movie
if she did a trailer,

and the whole trailer is one minute

of a monkey shitting.

That's the whole trailer.

That's all it is.

They're just... It just says,
"This Christmas,

Jennifer Aniston..."

And then there's a monkey
in a Napoleon hat

and he's just, for one minute,
nonstop, just...

And not even, like...

Not even, like, healthy turds either.

That weird, like,
intermittent diarrhea spray...

Like it clearly hurts, like the monkey's

angry about it.

So just like this...

"AAH!"

"AAH!"

Like it... Like... Like the monkey
wants to punch his own ass.

He's angry at his own ass for shitting

the way it's shitting.

So just...
"AAH!"

"Jennifer Aniston."

Like, wow.

We should go see that.

That's... my God.

What is that about?

That's awesome.

There better be

more than one minute
of that monkey shitting, though.

That... that monkey
better shit for five minutes.

They better not have just
shown me the best part

of the mo...
"The best part."

Why would that be the best?

Like they would go, "There we go.

We gotta put the sizzle reel out there,

hook the people in.

Where's the angry monkey shit?"

Oh.

You know, people that are against

gay marriage...
If they just openly said,

"I'm against gay marriage
because thinking about

two men having butt sex
or two women having scissor sex

kills my boner, dries up my vagina.

I can't have sex.

It ruins my life.

That's why I'm against it"...

That would be a valid argument.

We'd have to actually debate you on that.

But these lunatics always go,
"Well, 'cause it says

in the 'Bible.'"
Okay, stop, hang on.

I'm glad you like a book.

I really am.

I'm glad... Hey, I'm glad that...

At this point, I'm glad
anybody's reading anything.

And I'm not even putting the...
The "Bible" is terrific.

Give it a read.

It's got monsters and adventures,

and... and hey,
if you like torture porn...

Check out the Old Testament.

Oh, man.

Any "Saw" fans out there?

Whoo!

Get the Old Testament.

But just because you like
something in a book

doesn't mean you can have
the thing you like in the book

happen in real life.

That's what crazy people want!

Whoo!

I can't go to the White House

with a bunch of
"Green Lantern" comics and go,

"I want a Green Lantern ring!

I saw it in a book I like.

Make the thing in the book I like

be here, now."

I would be justifiably tased
if I did that.

Nobody would go, "Hey, we have to respect

his beliefs.

You know, you gotta...
You've gotta respect

everybody's beliefs."

No, you don't.

That's what gets us in trouble.

You have to...
Look, you have to acknowledge

everyone's beliefs, and then you have to

reserve the right to go,
"That is fucking stupid.

Are you kidding me?"

"I acknowledge
you believe that..."

"That's great.

But I'm not gonna respect it."

I have an uncle who believes
he saw Sasquatch.

We do not believe him,
nor do we respect him.

What if I...
what if I 1,000% believed...

and I believed this 1,000%...
what if I believed that

there was a giant invisible anus
hovering over me,

and if I wasn't nice
and helpful and courteous

and charitable to everyone I met,

the anus would appear, suck me up into it,

and I would be devoured by shit piranhas?

And I mean...
and I believe this 1,000%.

I would be the nicest guy you ever met.

You'd be like, "Patton,
you're so helpful and charitable

and... and courteous to people.

Why is that?"
And I'll go, "It's funny

you should ask me that.

You can't see it,
but there's an invisible anus

hovering over me, and if I'm not nice

to everybody,
it will appear and suck me up,

and I'll be eaten...
well, I don't need to tell you

about the shit piranhas.

We all know about those, right?"
Your correct response would be,

"I acknowledge you believe that.

That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Please do not stop believing
in the dumbest thing

I've ever heard, because you're actually

helping people out with your craziness.

Don't stop believing
in that stuff, please.

I beg you."

I mean, just...

Jesus' superpowers alone are so crazy,

they... they don't even...
Look, I'm not saying

that they're bad.

They're just so random.

He has the most random...
Like on the one hand,

he's got the necromancer powers,
where he can drive away demons

and raise the dead.

Oh, wow! Awesome!

And then over here,
he can take a little bit of food

and make it into...

a lot of food.

What?!

Doesn't that
sound like a... like a power

that one of his sidekicks had
in earlier versions

of the "Bible," and then...

As they kept rewriting it, they're like,

"Why don't we lose Sandwich Joe?

Why do we have him? Is he...

He doesn't really
say anything cool, like...

Jesus is always saying all this cool shit,

and then he pops in,
'Who wants a nice pita? Huh?'

'It's the fucking
sermon on the mount, Joe.

Go on. Get outta here.'
'They looked hungry.

I thought I'd pop in and...'
"Oh, jeez.

Give Jesus the lunch powers."

See? That's...
and that...

It's Jesus' wisdom and humility
that would keep him out of

the good superhero teams.

If he ever came back,
he wouldn't just go to the X-Men

and say, "Guys, I can raise the dead.

So you keep me at the mansion,

someone dies, bring 'em back,
boom... I put 'em

right back in the game."

They'd be like, "Wow.

You're hired. Thanks, Jesus.

Let's go get you
a cool leather uniform, man.

Are you married to the beard?

All right. No. That's cool."

Um...

He would be...
He would be very humble

and self-effacing and say,
"Well, superpowers...

Let me think.

Well, there was this one time
when many people were gathered

and there was but a crust of bread

and a few fish.

And then the next thing you know,

everyone had a nice lunch."

And they'd say,
"Wow. That's ama...

Hang on just one second.

Guys, remember when we took down Magneto,

and we needed, like, 15,000 sandwiches?

Yeah, me neither.

So, uh, we're good.

Thank you for coming...

in.

Um...

I don't know what to tell you.

Try the Avengers.

They'll take anybody.

Those guys...

Have you been to them?

Oh, they have a...
Hey, they have a guy

with a bow and arrow.

I'm not kidding.

They... What,
are they recruiting

in sporting good stores or..."

"Hey, you jump rope really fast.

How'd you like to be an Avenger?

I like the way you tether ball, sir.

How would you like
to take on Ultron?"

Whoo!

So...
I was taking this flight

from Vegas to Burbank.

It's a 40-minute flight on Southwest.

I take it a lot, and, uh,
the flight is a rock polisher.

It's all turbulence.

It's terrifying.

And one day, we're taking the flight,

and we're landing.

Seats up... Seat belts on.

Can't get up.

And the guy next to me
started doing something,

and when he began doing it, I realized,

I've never seen this done.

He used a vomit bag.

'Cause usually,

on a plane, you've gotta throw up,

you're like, "Oh, I gotta throw up,"

and you go use the bathroom.

We're landing. He can't get up.

And I realized as he started doing it,

he must throw up every flight,
because this guy was the Zorro

of vomit bag users.

He was amazing.

He was sitting there,
he had a magazine on this leg,

and he's reading it.

And you see it hit him.

This...
and he never looked up

from the magazine.

He reached up with one hand...

grabbed the vomit bag,
snapped it open with one hand...

Fitted it over his mouth,

made a soundproof seal.

Then started violently throwing up.

But it sounded like this...

finished...

took it away from his mouth.

He wiped his lips as he did it.

Oh, amazing.

Sealed the little metal tabs,
folded 'em with one hand.

I'm sitting here.

He's holding it up here.

He transfers it to this hand...
very polite, very polite,

away from me...
and just held it up

for the rest of the flight till we landed.

And he filled that bag.

Like he...

Whoo!

He... I mean,
he could've stopped a mugging

with that thing.

It was a...
it was brick in a purse.

Like... and I-I was just like...
I was watching him,

and I just kept thinking,
what a horrible thing

to be great at.

Like, that's his thing.

Some guy will like, "Hey, look, I know

I'm getting older,
I'm not the best looking guy,

but some girl sees me shoot pool,

you know, that's my window.

That's... you know,
I'm a good pool... pool player."

This other guy, "Ah, I'm losing my hair

and I'm fat.

All right.

But some girl sees me
play bass guitar... boom.

I got a shot.

I'm a great...
great guitar player."

And this guy, "Ah, I still
get out in the bars, you know.

Girlies keep getting younger,
I'm getting older.

If it's not happening some nights,

that's when I bring out old Pukey.

Oh, boy.

I've had this bad boy, oh, I-I would say

since 'Predator 2' came out
if I had to put a date on it.

But, uh, I bring this thing out,

play it like Dizzy Gillespie.

Boy, that...

old Pukey's put a lot of backs
on mattresses.

That's all I'm saying.

Put a lot of backs on mattresses...

me and Pukey.

Butch and Sundance, huh?

Going out..."

I don't know why he's talking

to his vomit bag.

"Madame, I-I know you find me

physically repulsive, and if...

if you were to walk away
and never look back,

I would never blame you, but please...

one last time...

let me vomit for you.

Let me buy an egg salad sandwich
from this 7-Eleven...

leave it on the dashboard of this car

in this hot parking lot,
wolf it down four hours later,

don a fur coat, and do squat thrusts

on the punishing asphalt...

And only after I've sent
the contents of my stomach

rocketing into this bag...

if you can look at me and feel no love...

you may leave the island of Cordoba.

Please let me vomit for you.

I'm sorry.

Hey, is cursive writing magic?

Does it have a magical qua...
I'm just asking because

it hit me the other day...
any contract I've ever signed

for anything...
for a car, for a home...

there's that last page
and there's the one line

where it says "print your name,"
which is kind of

labor intensive,
and then the second line...

"sign your name."

And it's not till you
sign your name in cursive

that the thing becomes official,
which is the document's way

of saying,
"put your name down in print."

"All right."

"Now you won't own this house
until you make that signature

go 'ooh!'"
What?

Who the fuck invented that?

That just...

That's like a bad magic spell.

I see "P-A-T-T,"
but can't the "P" go "wee!"?

Here's another sweatpants story

for everybody
that I think you guys will...

a little sweatpant adventure for you guys.

I was out shopping, grocery shopping.

I'm in my sweatpants.

I'm in my matching color t-shirt...

and flip-flops, ladies.

So...

I'm out, I've got my crumpled up

shopping list, and I'm staggering around.

"What the hell I gotta buy?"

And our supermarket has a deli counter

where you can walk up,
and they'll cut you up

a pound of ham, turkey, cheese.

Anything you want, cut it up fresh,

boom... off you go.

But then to save everybody time,
they will precut 1-pound things

of ham, turkey, cheese,
so you can walk up and go,

"I'll get two cheeses,
I'll get a ham," and boom...

You're on your way.

So I'm staggering up
to the counter with my list,

and I vaguely see
that the next guy in line

is this morbidly obese guy...
huge...

and he is the next guy
in line at the counter,

and he's blocking part of the counter.

And what I can't see is, there's only one

1-pound thing of precut ham
in the ham bin.

There's only one left.

I can't see that.

All I hear as I approach him is him say,

"I want all the ham."

That's all I heard.

M...

Meaning, he just wants that one thing.

But to...
I immediately ran away...

around the corner into the next aisle

and started laughing my ass off.

Not... I wasn't even
laughing at him.

I was thinking of the guy
at the deli counter who's going,

"Gulp. Here we go."

And then, like,
"Eye of the Tiger" starts up.

But he's doing it!

It's happening.

Then I thought...

What if a third party witnessed that?

What if a third person was 20 yards away,

and all they see is a guy dressed like me

with a crumpled piece of paper,
and he's approaching

this morbidly obese guy at a deli counter,

and just as he gets there,
the morbidly obese guy goes,

"I want all the ham,"
and the guy with the paper goes,

"Oh, shit," and then runs away...

He might...

He might honestly believe
that he just saw the future

get doomed.

Because obviously, the morbidly obese guy

is destined to begin working out
and become this cut,

muscular warrior of the wasteland

and save humanity from the robot lizards

that have taken over in 40 years,

and the few remaining humans have sent me,

this emissary, back
to read him the message

and tell him of his destiny.

But we have historical records,
we know we have to get to him

before he decides to commit ham suicide

at the pavilions in Burbank, California.

And I'm clearly woozy
from the time tunnel,

and I'm trying to get to him,
and I'm almost there

when he says,
"I want all the ham."

I'm like, "Oh, God.

We're doomed!

We need to find
another warrior!"

I was in, uh, Minneapolis,
and I was talking to somebody,

and they... they lived
in a nearby town

where not only is there
the factory that makes spam...

I think it's the Hormel factory?

But n-next to the factory itself
is the official Spam museum...

the museum of the history of Spam.

And when I heard that,
I actually got kinda depressed,

because it hit me...
the only people who have

ever visited the Spam museum...
hipster douche bags,

and that's it.

Those are the only people
that have ever gone there.

Guys, and they're all out front like,

"Look, it's the Spam museum.

Get it?"
And getting their

Christmas card photo taken.

And I'm like, "Oh, the poor people

at that museum..."

I almost feel like it's my mission.

I want to buy, like, a pair...
I want to go to JCPenney,

get a pair of tan chinos,
and a dorky short-sleeve shirt,

and be their first non-ironic visitor...

be their first sincere visitor,
where I just show up and go,

"I enjoy the Spam meat product,
and I would love

to hear its history and visit your museum.

I've never heard
of Monty Python."

They would carry me around
like Peter Gabriel.

They would not know what to do with me.

Like, "Oh, my God.

Somebody who's not wearing
a fucking Arcade Fire shirt.

This is awesome.

I don't know
what to do with this guy."

Their first

non-ironic visitor.

Then I'd leave and go,
"Thank you very much.

I have to go visit
the Pabst Blue Ribbon Buewery

and be the first guy
that doesn't have muttonchops

posing out front."

We're gonna have to

dub me saying "brewery"
and not "buewery."

Did you fucking hear that?

You oughta go visit the buewery.

You know, where they buew the beers.

That's where

they buew the beers.

You gotta go see 'em buew 'em.

I've gotta lose some goddamn weight,

once and for all.

I'll never do it, but I'm gonna...

Every... every album I do now...
from now on, it's gonna go,

"I gotta lose some weight, man.

I gotta..."

Ten albums from now,
I'm gonna come out here

on rascal scooter.

"I've gotta

lose some weight.

This time, I'm gonna do it."

I knew I had...
I-I know I gotta do something,

because my...
my 2-year-old daughter

loves to do these little dance parties,

where I'll play music
all through the house,

and it's not like
that kiddie stuff either.

It's whatever I'm listening to.

She loves it...
Pixies and Beatles,

doesn't matter...
and she'll dance.

She likes to, "Wee!"
She does a little dance.

And I'll go, "Yay! Dance party."

And we'll start dancing.

And she's a rocket.

She can just dance forever.

And... and I'm good
for 90 seconds.

I'll be like, "Yeah!"
And then I gotta go...

"Just keep dancing.

There you go."

And I'll...
I'll lean against the wall.

I can't...
It's almost like... I don't know

if anyone remembers when Axl Rose came out

on the V.M.A.s a few years ago
for the "Guns N' Roses reunion."

And Axl Rose was a slinky,
you know, serpent-y rock god,

and then after kind of...

Kicking everyone out of the band,

he sort of gained the equivalent
of Duff McKagan.

Like, he kinda...

he basically put on
one of his other band members

in weight equivalent.

And he made the mistake...
like, they had, like,

his microphone was out
in the middle of the stage,

but he made the mistake of running

from the edge of the stage all the way out

to the center mic to start singing

"Welcome to the Jungle."

Remember that?

And he ran way too fast.

And he basically did...
he did, like, what I would do

if I was doing it.

He comes running out, going like,

"Yeah! Guns N' Roses!"
He's like...

♪ Welcome to the Jungle ♪

-Oh...
-♪ Shu na na na ♪

But then I'll take my daughter to these...

Like we go to this music together class

and this place called wallaby
where she plays,

and they'll... they'll play music
and the kids will dance.

And my daughter will dance hard
for, like, 90 seconds,

like, "Yay!"
And then she'll go

and lean against the wall, like...

not winded, she just thinks
that's what dancing is.

Dancing is you go like this,
and then you go...

"I'm dancing."

I'm like, "No, sweetie.

That's... ugh.

You can probably keep dancing.

You're...
You're not sweating

all of a sudden.

And I bet your left arm doesn't hurt.

And I bet you don't smell
burnt toast."

But the problem is,
it's just the goddamn meetings

to go lose weight.

I was in weight watchers for a while.

I went to weight watchers,
and it's a great organization.

But you know what?

Carbs and sugar doesn't have
a William S. Burroughs

or a Keith Richards.

We don't have... all my...
all my alcoholic,

drug addict friends...
their meetings are awesome

and dark and compelling.

"Yeah, I t-boned a school bus
and I had to flee to Mexico,

and then that's when I..."

I'm like, "Wow."

And all the weight watchers' meetings

were, "Well, number one, I had
Doritos for breakfast again.

And, uh, but I decided to forgive myself,

and I put it in my points counter.

And then I went to a friend's pool party,

and I said, 'Damn it, I'm gonna swim, '

and I got in the pool.

And it doesn't matter how I look,

and I was very cool with myself.

But they had pie.

And I realized, I subconsciously

cut a huge slice of pie
and left it beside the pool

so I could swim up to it and take a bite

every now and then, and I said, 'Hey,

I'm swimming towards pie.'"
Patton: And hearing myself

say that stuff, really was like...

I can't do this.

This is horrible.

I need...

I need one...

There's gotta be one dark,
creepy, Hubert Selby, Jr.

weight loss story.

"Like, yeah, I was...
I was living with this obese

13-year-old prostitute down in Juarez,

and we ripped off a drug store
and used the money

to buy nine boxes of hard pretzels.

Utz, not that Snyder's shit for squares.

We binged out for about five days,

and on the sixth morning,
I woke up, she was gone.

And she'd stolen that stash
of Ritz crackers

I'd hid in the mattress.

And that's when I looked in the mirror

and told myself,
'It's time to start swimming

away from pie.'"

The circus

is in town!

You know,

we've gotten rid of slavery, child labor.

How in the hell do we still have
the circus, honestly?

The circus, which, look,
I'm sure... I don't know

when they invented the circus,
in 1 A.D...

I'm sure back then, when there was

nothing else to do
except be afraid of the sun,

yeah, the circus was great.

But imagine...
imagine pitching the circus now

as an entertainment destination.

"Hey, I got this great idea
for families and kids.

You gotta hear this, man.

You're gonna love this.

We're gonna put up a tent
on the outskirts of town

and we're gonna fill it
with depressed animals...

walking slow...
did I say walking?

I meant trudging...
trudging counterclockwise

in an oval.

And while they do it, we're gonna play

creepy calliope music over them.

Just this echoey...

their spirits broken...

No connection to the wild.

"Uh, um... I'm sorry.

You said this is for, like,
families and kids?

'Cause this sounds really grim
and creepy."

"Well, you didn't let me finish,
because we're also

gonna have men
in bright clothing and makeup..."

"Oh, time-out.

You mean like...
like transvestites, right?"

"Well, technically, yes,
but they're gonna keep going

so that they're clowns."

You realize, a clown
is just a transvestite

that doesn't stop.

Like if you...
like if you...

if you saw a guy
in lipstick and eye shadow,

you'd be like, Timmy, leave him alone.

That's his own thing."

The guy's like, "Oh, no.

Hang on. Whoo!"
I'm like, "Oh, Timmy. Get a...

He's a wonderful clown.

Get over there.

I didn't know you'd use
a whole tube of lipstick

on one cheek.

Please... entertain my child.

Run at him out of the darkness.

He'll love it."

And every animal in the circus

openly doesn't want to be there
or wants to murder you.

Every single one.

When was that a plus for audiences,

to see things entertain them
against their will?

Like, "Yeah, we went to
the Moore last night.

We saw Patton Oswalt.

He was okay, but, like,
he... you could tell he wanted

to be up there.

I hate that!

I like it when my performers
are chased out on stage

by a guy with a chair
and a starter pistol,

and then they have to
stand in place under a cage,

and they just glare at me and just yell.

That's the best.

Like... like I've seen Elton John
in concert five times.

C minus.

What I'd like to see...

What I want to see...
I'd love to see him

get chased out to his piano
by a guy with a bullwhip.

But... right before
he goes on stage,

if he could take a huge dump
right off stage, I...

I don't want to see it,
but I'd love to vaguely smell it

throughout the entire show.

Then he gets chased out to his piano,

and does every one of his songs
just screaming them at me.

And then as he finishes each one,

he tries to run away,
and they chase him out again."

So the whole concert...
the whole concert is like...

♪ How wonderful
life is ♪

-♪ with you in the... ♪
-♪ Daniel is ♪

♪ traveling tonight on a plane ♪
♪ that's the magic ♪

♪ of the circus. ♪

Whoo-hoo!

Ohh.

I took my daughter to Disneyland.

And next to

Disneyland was a place...
And yeah, you know what?

I gotta say something.

At an... at an ironic distance,
everyone's like,

"Yeah, Disneyland."

You ever gone there recently?

It's...

amazing.

I had forgotten

how amazing...
just the level of detail

is ridiculous.

It's... it really is like,
"Wow. If you give

an obsessive-compulsive enough money,

sometimes they do really amazing stuff.

It's amazing.

But next door, there's this place

called California Adventure,
which is also really fun.

And they had

this thing called the Redwood Creek

Challenge Trail.

And it's got rope bridges
and climbing walls and slides,

and it's so much fun.

And she loved it,
and she's running around.

But at the far end of the Redwood Creek

Challenge Trail, there's this thing,

and if anyone has visited, you know what

I'm talking about.

It's called the Spirit Cave.

And what you do...
It's for the kids...

The kids go in, go into the Spirit Cave,

it's really well done.

And on the far wall,
there's this impression

of a human hand that you can press

your hand to.

And the cave lightnings
and thunders and lights up

and this animation starts,
and you're given

your spirit animal.

You're told what your spirit animal is.

So you can touch the wall
and be told you're a wolf.

A wolf. Wow.

Or you touch the wall and you're told

that you're an eagle.

Oh.

And they have a list of all the animals,

and they tell you, like, the wolf is brave

and, you know, fierce,
and the eagle is proud

and... and grand,
and you're like,

"Oh, this is amazing."

You can also touch the wall
and be told that you're a skunk!

One of the animals is a skunk!

Why would you do that to a little kid?

And I saw, by the way,

I saw a group of kids at a birthday party,

and they're all touching the wall,

and they're like,
"Ah, I'm a wolf!"

"Ah, I'm an eagle!"

And this kid hit the wall, skunk came up.

All the kids,
"You're a smelly skunk. Ha ha."

And he... Like, you could
literally see, like,

the goth makeup forming on his face

and all his clothes turning black.

Like, there you go.

Like, there it is.

Future is sealed.

And the mom, God bless her,
tried to save it.

Ran over to the chart.

"It says that the skunk
is creative and industrious."

That... Too late.

There's no set of adjectives
that are gonna

stop kids going, "Your ass is smelly

'cause you're a skunk."

"No, it says the shit beetle
is industrious and..."

It said "shit beetle."

We're done. I think we're done.

I almost wonder, does like...
does the Disneyland corporation,

are they smart enough to know,
"Look, we're gonna need

artists in the future...
Guys that are content with

sitting in a windowless room drawing Ariel

over and over again...
So we should have

an attraction that every eighth kid,

it just breaks their spirit right there...

So we can be assured
a workforce down the decades.

Skunk. Skunk's good.

That'll do it. Yeah."

I'm telling you, 20 years from now,

there's gonna be some kid,
some grown-up man

at a drawing board just, "Goddamn skunk.

I was gonna be a fighter pilot.

Skunk...

I'm a goddamn skunk."

I know. It's so sad.

Oh.

You know, I realize now that...

I'm an atheist, but I'm teetering.

And I'm not teetering on believing in God.

I'm either gonna stay an atheist,

or I'm gonna believe in 8,000 gods.

A god for everything.

A god for it's too hot,
a god for it's too cold,

a god for my coffee's too hot,
a god for my... everything.

And I think I may have run into one of

the minor deities recently.

I was, uh, in O'Hare airport
and... and there was a food court

near my gate, so I went in

and I got a sandwich.

And they have the little, you know,

area of tables and chairs
where you take your food, sit.

And I'm eating my sandwich.

And it took me about a minute
before I looked up

and I realized,
everybody in the food court

is being so nice and polite.

If they're talking to each other,

they're talking at this volume.

And if they're on a cell phone,
they're also talking

at this volume.

Because what most people
don't seem to realize is,

if you talk into a cell phone
at this level,

the other person can hear you
perfectly fine.

A cell phone is not a walkie-talkie

in the Korean War.

You don't need to...

"Hotel India Foxtrot,

-do you acknowledge?"
-People would

finish eating, they would take the uneaten

part of their food, put back in their bag,

tie the bag up, save a napkin,

give the table a courtesy wipe.

A courtesy wipe.

They put their chairs back in

before they left.

And I'm watching all this,
and I'm thinking,

we're gonna make it.

We're gonna make it as a species.

And as if the universe heard my thoughts,

it sent this guy... And look,
there's all kinds of ways

to get fat.

I'm getting fat in my way,
you're getting fat in your way

or not.

But this guy had gotten
tragic avalanche fat.

It had all piled...
it had all, like, slid down here

and smothered an alpine village.

And it was just this pool of fat.

And he came in.

He had a cheeseburger in a bag.

And he walked up to the table...
and when I... by the way,

when I say "walked to his table,"

I meant "he didn't fall down
30 times in a row."

So he... it was just like this.

Oh!

And...

gets to his table...

kinda aims himself over his own chair,

because his knees
have long ago turned to powder.

They're gone.

So he aims himself,
and he's got the cheeseburger,

and he dropped the cheeseburger
and himself at the same time.

It was like this. "Blat."

It was like... it was like
one of those Galileo

gravity experiments.

It was just like... "Blat."

They both hit.

"Cheeseburger. Me."

He gets the cheeseburger out of the bag,

throws the bag on the floor,
gets the wrapper off,

eats the cheeseburger.

And when I say "eats," I mean he went...

He just took three bites.

Basically, he...
he disassembled it

into three different pieces
and refit it whole

into his mouth.

It was like...

"I solved the puzzle."

Then...

He gives it, like, a half a chew,

and now it's time to swallow.

And you could see,
his neck muscles are just,

"Please, God. Don't do..."
They're sending

every pain signal they can think of

into his brain.

They're making up...
They're like, "Eaten by a shark,

send it.

See if it'll stop him."

And he just...
He grips the edge of the table,

and he just gets this thing down,

and you could see it, like, fall into this

subterranean lake
of melted cheese and Mr. Pibb,

just like, "Sploosh!"
And then he, like,

wipes his face with the wrapper

and then leaves.

And... and he left...
He left like this.

This is how he left his table.

He was just like this.

Like his whole...

His whole life, he's just...

He's the boulder
from "Raiders of the Lost Ark."

It just was kinda...

"Hey. Wee!"
And I... I'm telling you,

it's like the god of slobbiness
heard my hopeful thoughts

and said, "Send him my avatar.

-Let him know I exist!"
-Oh, I got some Ambien

waiting back in the room.

Whoo! Party!

That's the one drug I could see
becoming very addicted to.

I gotta be really careful.

Ambien is amazing,
because it puts you to sleep,

which is fine, but the amazing thing

about Ambien is that half-hour

before you go to sleep.

Anyone who's ever taken it,
you know that...

as you're falling asleep?

I don't know what it is in that drug.

It feels like you're about to get

the most glorious flu
that anyone's ever gotten.

Not in a gross, sick way.

That kind of flu that comes
from the exhaustion

that is brought on
by crushing all your enemies,

achieving all your goals,
setting the world right,

knowing your legacy is secure,
and you're like,

"I can just lay in this bed
and just fade away.

This is awesome. I won!"
Like it gives you this...

If they, I mean, God...
God forbid they ever invent

a suicide pill, because if they can

invent a pill that convinces you

as you're dying that you're the, like,

"My... my legacy is secure!"
And then the next day

at... at the Burger King...
"We need another manager.

I don't know.

What are you gonna do?

He... he killed himself
last night.

It's terrible."

But the thing about Ambien is,

you have the most...

Like, I... there... the dreams
you have on Ambien...

and they're not nightmares,
but they're so creepy

and nonsensical and bizarre.

Do you know what I'm talking about...

the weird Ambien dreams that you get?

Yes.

Yeah!

I... here's...
what I think happens is,

I think when you fall asleep...

you enter this vestibule,

and there's about a dozen doors,
and every night, one door opens,

and a... and one...
one dream theater troupe

comes tumbling out.

The nightmare group comes out.

"Oh, it's the clown
with chain saws for tits.

Hello. We'll be your nightmare."

Or it's the having sex
with someone famous...

"Ladies and gentleman,
Ms. Scarlett Johansson.

Here we go."

Or it's the naked-at-school dream

or it's the, you know, I...
I gotta go take this test

that I haven't studied for...
all those classic ones.

You take ambien, go in the vestibule,

all the doors open up...

and all the groups come out,
and they're like,

"I thought he was having a nightmare.

What the hell?

Is he on ambien again?

Idiot. All right.

You know what? Fuck it.

Put scarlett johansson's face
on the chain-saw-titted clown...

and they'll be on a plane that's crashing,

and it's late for a calculus test...

and he's naked.

He's naked. Do the whole thing."

My second favorite
christmas memory of all time...

it happened in los angeles.

Los angeles at christmastime is beautiful.

It is beautiful. You know why?

Everybody leaves.

The city just empties out.

There's no traffic.

It's quiet.

It's like "I am legend,"
but you can get a sandwich.

It's perfect.

It was christmas eve, 1996.

And what movie had just opened up?

"Jerry maguire."

Yeah. 1996.

My brother and I are drinking at a bar

off of Hollywood Boulevard.

8:00 rolls around.

We are wasted.

And I... and my brother goes...

"Hey,
we oughta... should go

see a movie."

And I say,
"Capital idea, old sport."

Vomit.

So we go down the street,

to see "Jerry Maguire," which was playing

at the now closed Galaxy Multiplex...

the crappiest theater in L.A.

"Who wants to see
a choppy print of 'Anaconda'

in a room full of meth addicts'
popcorn farts?

Well, come on down to the Galaxy...

where the glamour of Hollywood
gets peed on nightly."

So...
we see

"Jerry Maguire" is playing.

I'm like, "I love, uh, Cameron Crowe.

Matt, let's go see
"Jerry Maguire."

My brother goes, "All right."

So we go in.

It's my brother and I,
we're sitting together,

and then there's eight other people...

All by themselves.

They're alone on Christmas Eve.

And maybe they were thinking, I'll go see

this Tom Cruise movie,
get a little glimmer of hope,

a little beacon of optimism
for the new year.

Who knows?

So we're watching the movie.

I kinda liked it.

No, I thought it was pretty good.

I liked that movie.

My brother,

unbeknownst to me, fucking hated it.

And I mean, he is sitting there,
grinding his molars.

Didn't make a peep.

Just sat there...

"This piece
of shit."

Didn't...
didn't say anything

till the very end of the movie.

There's that final scene when Tom Cruise

comes running back to Renee Zellweger.

Remember that?

And he gives that whole
beautiful speech about

"I want her to be my wife,"
and "I love you"

and all this thing, and then she goes...

"You had me at hello."

And it's really...
Now watch the scene again.

In the middle of Tom Cruise's speech,

there's this sudden
dramatic pull in to his face,

and there's tears in his eyes,
and he says,

"We live
in a cynical world."

And that's when
my brother went, "Fuck you!"

At the top...

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

It was...
That is such...

Such a...
It was such a horrible,

rude thing to yell,
and I was laughing so hard,

I-I could not get the air in
to make the sound of laughter.

I was... People ask me,
"What is your favorite comedy

of all time?"
"Jerry Maguire"

when my brother yells "Fuck you"
at Tom Cruise.

It is a 90-minute setup to one punch line.

It's like... It's like
not jerking off for ten years,

and then painting the garage.

Oh, my God!

I'm seeing dead kings!

You know, I live in Los Angeles,

and... and for a long time,
I was very ambivalent

about living in L.A. and just...
and I realized, it was because

of all of my New York friends.

They are the ones who put it
into my head, "Oh, you live

in this shallow, plastic, sell-out town.

You gotta... You gotta move
to New York.

That's where it really happens, man.

You gotta move to New York."

So last year, I move to New York.

I lived in New York for a month.

And now I know why
all of my New York friends

want me to move there.

They want another warm body between them

and the constant spray of shit and horror

that you're just subjected to.

and by the way, New York
is a great place to visit.

Don't get me wrong.

But you live there full-time,
it turns your skull into a cage,

and your brain into a rat,
and the city is just a stick

poking the rat all day.

And you... you...
Literally, you get to the point

where you're like,
"I want someone to be sad

and I want to know
that I'm responsible!"

So...

And I made the mistake
of bringing my dog with me.

I have this little French bulldog...

and he's so sweet.

He goes "ee!"
and...

But we live in the suburbs.

It's quiet. He goes on walks.

He's calm.

He poos, he pees. He's happy.

Now he's in New York.

Every eight seconds...

"Fuck you." Bang.

He thinks he's gonna be murdered
every eight seconds.

He wants to stop and square his paws

and get his ears back against...
I understand that.

He is descended from gray wolves.

All dogs are descended from gray wolves.

He wants to die like a proud hunter.

I get that.

"Let me die
with my fangs out, man."

He wouldn't poo and pee on his walks.

I know why.

He doesn't want to...
He doesn't want to die

taking a dump on Bleecker Street
like a... like a curled up

salad bar shrimp.

- "Ew!"
-So he was miserable.

I was miserable.

I'm like, "What am I gonna do?

He's my little guy."

So my solution was,
I found, near my apartment,

this access tunnel down into the subway.

It was just this horrible,
grime-covered...

just filth... tunnel.

But you would go in it...

and it was relatively quiet compared to

the rest of the city.

And my dog could calm down
and do his business.

and he was pooping on stratified

decades of filth.

I mean, his... his poop
was the cleanest thing

in the tunnel, basically.

And I would pick it up and take it away.

I wanted to walk down the street
with this poo going,

"Social contract, assholes!"
So...

It's my last night there.

I know I'm leaving the next day.

I'm so happy.

Oh, boy. This is great.

Let's take him out for his poo.

We go down in the tunnel.

My dog is circling...

P-picking a spot to... to poop
on decomposing characters

from "Gangs of New York."

And, um...

I'm just, "Come on, man.

Come on. Do it."

And he's just circling, and I look up.

10 feet away are two crackheads.

One of the crackheads is on his knees

about to blow the other crackhead...

Whoo!

Whose cock and balls are out!

Cock and balls are out!

I assume this is being done

in exchange for crack.

Goods and services are trading hands.

Our free market economy is strong.

I immediately look away.

"Oh, I don't want to see this.

Oh, God.

No, I don't want to see this.

Come on, buddy. Do it.

My dog starts to poop.

And that's when I hear from 10 feet away,

"Nice."

"Really nice."

I wanted to go, "Oh, I'm sorry.

Am I ruining this romantic
George Gershwin moment in...

in the summer twilight
of Manhattan?"

Which, I-I-I said none of that,
by the way.

I just kept my head down.

"Please finish.

Please."

He finished.

I picked up his poo. I fled.

And in my head, I'm thinking,
I've gotta get out of

this hellhole city.

I hate it here so much.

But then I realized,
me and my dog were part of

that crackhead's conversation later on

about his horrible night out.

He was like, "I gotta get the hell

outta this city.

You're not gonna...
listen to this shit.

So earlier, me and Blue Nipples
go down the 50th Street

grime tunnel, right?

He's gonna give me one of his
patented dry-tongued,

4-toothed blow jobs for what he thinks is

a Ziploc baggie of crack,
although what I done...

I cut up a bar of Ivory soap,
'cause nothing feels better

than cheating my only friend
out of fellatio, right?

Yeah, so, ah, I have fun.

So anyway...

I'm as hard as a towel rack,
and some recently showered,

well-dressed asshole
and his small well-behaved dog

come down the goddamn grime tunnel.

The dog starts taking a dump
not 10 feet from where I am.

I go half soft.

I dribble my chemically poisoned come

all over the Keds I stole
off that blind black kid.

I gotta get the fuck outta this city.

It robs you
of your goddamn humanity!"

Thank you, Seattle!

Thank you so much.

Thank you, guys.

Thank you. Oh, man.

Thank you. Good night!