Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour

JAUNTY MUSIC

Good evening, Hackney Empire.

It's time to start the show.

Please welcome to the stage,

me!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ah.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

How kind and completely unexpected.

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much for coming.

This is... We're recording the show tonight,

a mere five years after this tour was announced.

So, what a wonderful...

I thought I'd announce a tour,

just a couple of years in the middle

for the world to absolutely go to pieces in between.

Nothing good has come from Covid, obviously.

It's been a good test of the admin skills of my audience.

That's all I would say.

If you can buy tickets to a gig, pin them on your fridge

and then spend five years surviving a pandemic, relocating,

buy a new house with a new partner, start a new life with a new fridge,

and still turn up at that gig on the right night,

you are my kind of people, I'll tell you that now.

CHEERING

OK, I think this will be the first live show recording

where they have to edit the audience out for being too generous.

I appreciate it's been a five-year wait.

For some, that was slightly too far.

I got a little message from Jamie at about 7:30 from his seat

and where's Jamie's? He's down here somewhere, I think.

Or maybe upstairs.

Jamie Stockton. A SINGLE CHEER

There you are, Jamie. Sent me a little message

at 7:30 from his seat.

"Waiting."

LAUGHTER

I like it when people message me before the gig,

cos it tells me they're excited to be at the gig.

But also, they probably didn't see the last tour

where, if you send me a message on social media,

I will go through your account

and find out everything about you and tell everyone in the room,

so... LAUGHTER

I wouldn't do that again, would I, Jamie? No.

It would be hack to do that two years in a row, wouldn't it?

Who's looking after the dogs

if you two are here tonight?

LAUGHTER

Two dogs. Lovely dogs, aren't they?

Lovely dogs. Good dogs.

Have you come all the way from Weston-super-Mare for this?

LAUGHTER

Have you? Yeah. Have you?

You're a legend. Absolute legend.

Thank you.

And you're having your bathroom done at the minute as well, aren't you?

LAUGHTER

That's a busy guy.

You're a chef, aren't you?

Yeah.

That tomato and shallot salad with edible flowers.

Oh, mate.

Now I'm not going to do any more, so you can relax now, Jamie.

You can absolutely... Everyone.

I'm not one of those comedians who's like,

"OK, let's see what's happening."

I know exactly what's going to happen and in what order.

Don't you worry about that.

You'll be out of here as close to 10pm as I can manage, OK?

LAUGHTER

Nobody's getting locked in the car park at a Jon Richardson gig.

You will be home exactly when you expected to get home.

It's not what I want you to remember of the experience.

Don't get me wrong.

"How was that gig?" "Prompt."

LAUGHTER

I am going to swear.

I say that at the beginning.

I am going to... I don't mean to,

I don't think it's clever. I don't swear artistically.

I'm small and I'm frightened of you.

That's what that is. LAUGHTER

If I swear, you might respect me more.

It's not the bad ones.

It's mostly just effing and jeffing, and things like that.

There is one... There's one, that...

CHUCKLES

I do one really bad one later on,

just because I've never done it before,

and I've done four tours and I've never really used it.

So I thought, you know, what's changed in comedy now,

you used to retire and now you get cancelled against your will.

So I thought, "I'd rather say it when it's my choice."

LAUGHTER

I thought I'd put it in the show rather than be filmed

screaming it repeatedly, dragged out of a theatre, so...

..I've put one in later on.

The interesting thing is, now I've told you there's only one

and you need to look out for it,

when I do say it, you'll be so proud of yourself for spotting it,

you'll clap and cheer and whoop,

and it will absolutely baffle people who've arrived late -

that I'll say a horrible word and you'll go, "Yeah!"

I am also going to try and enjoy myself.

That's what I imagine it looks like.

I watch other comedians, and they all like skipping about

and laughing while they're onstage.

And I've never really enjoyed life.

LAUGHTER

For me, it's a series of tasks that you must do well and then you die.

That's what I see life as.

And this is... I'm not here to enjoy myself.

I'm here to do the job properly.

But I had a bit of a moment on this tour.

I hit 40 on this tour, so brace yourselves.

This is the "midlife crisis" tour. Woo-hoo-hoo!

I'm waiting for it to kick in properly.

So far, just the jacket.

LAUGHTER

I had this made especially for the tour,

cos the tour is called The Knitwit.

So I had someone get a nice suit

and then knit... These were hand-knitted for this

and then sewn on, and I thought, "People will appreciate that."

I realised I'd wasted my money about four gigs in.

Someone in the crowd at Dublin messaged in the interval

to ask why I'd come dressed as Ryanair cabin crew.

LAUGHTER

No, you applaud an Irish stranger.

Don't you worry about the jokes I've written.

You applaud yourselves.

I try not to swear in general.

I have a six-year-old daughter at home who recently said, "Fuck."

We did a little investigation into

where she might have picked that word up.

We wound the tape back

six or seven seconds to where I said it.

LAUGHTER

Shut the case file depressingly early on that one.

I'd love to tell you I introduced her to that word

cos we'd nearly had a car accident or something like that.

I actually said it because my wife put the tofu

back in the fridge incorrectly.

LAUGHTER

It's not the best reason to say that word

in front of a six-year-old, I think.

In my defence, if there is one,

we buy the Cauldron tofu.

It comes in a plastic tray with a film lid

with a sort of brine inside it.

And when I open the tofu, what I like to do,

I like to make a thin incision

down the short end of that rectangle there,

and I drain the brine straight off.

I'm not going to lie, you don't need that.

And then I'll make two further incisions lengthwise,

down the long edge, I'll peel the film back,

I'll cut what tofu I need -

obviously perpendicular to the long edge,

to maintain the right angle that I find so satisfying.

And then I will...

If I use more than 50% of the tofu,

I'll repackage what remains

in a more size-appropriate container,

just to maximise fridge efficiency.

LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

My wife, when she opens the tofu, ever so slightly different.

What she likes to do

is tear at the packaging like a fucking bear...

LAUGHTER

..that's never encountered packaging before.

She'll scoop out whatever she needs with whatever's to hand.

I find it back in the fridge with screws in it, bits of Lego,

stuff like that. LAUGHTER

Crucially, she leaves the brine in

and balances what remains

precariously on the top shelf of the fridge.

LAUGHTER

So, when daddy bear goes to make the porridge the next morning,

it tumbles down and he gets a sort of creamy, salty tofu jizz facial

at quarter to seven in the morning.

LAUGHTER

Invariably says something along the lines of, "For fuck's sake, Lucy."

Thinks he's in the right for once in the house

before he hears, from over his shoulder...

BABY VOICE: "Yeah, for fuck's sake, Lucy!"

LAUGHTER

Here we go. I'm the arsehole again. That was quick.

LAUGHTER

I have managed to come off certain swear words

onto less offensive ones.

So, like, I've weaned myself off "wanker" and on to "wazzock"

cos I can't stop the "wa-"

but I can just veer off in time.

So if we get caught up when I'm driving now,

I'll go, "Look at that fucking wazzock!"

LAUGHTER

It's a little bit better, isn't it?

There's no point changing "fuck",

she knows that word already, so...

LAUGHTER

You can't put that back in the jar, can you, once it's open?

I think the standard of driving in this country is so low

because we let people keep trying until they pass.

LAUGHTER

It's a ludicrous system when you think about it, isn't it?

You wouldn't put up with it anywhere else.

I think three goes is enough before the rest of us say,

"You're shit at this. Do you want to get the bus?"

LAUGHTER

And I can tell now, I can't see,

but there'll be someone nudging their partner up the back.

"Oh, I passed fifth time. I'm actually a very good driver."

You're fucking not!

LAUGHTER

You're a shit driver who got lucky on your fifth driving test.

That's all you are.

LAUGHTER

I really do want a midlife crisis.

I'm totally up for it.

I have... As I hit 40,

I - totally cliche - start thinking about tattoos a lot.

I really want a tattoo,

but it's not an artful thing I want.

It's more of an intrusive thought with me.

You know, you've got that bit of your brain that wants to hurt you,

even though it's in your own head -

just constantly trying to upset you.

You turn your gas on to cook your dinner and it says, "Lick it."

LAUGHTER

I think, "That'll burn myself."

"No, you won't. It's blue. Cold things are always blue."

LAUGHTER

It's that bit of my brain that wants a tattoo

and I know that cos when I walk past a tattoo parlour, it says,

"Go in there and get a cock and balls on your forehead."

LAUGHTER

So, I'm thinking about tattoos, I'm also thinking about a motorbike.

And when I say, "Thinking about a motorbike,"

I mean I'm getting a motorbike.

I am going to get a motorbike

because I had a memory recently that I'd been on one in my career.

When I when I first started,

I had two gigs in London

and I couldn't get a taxi between them

or we would have got caught in traffic and my agent said,

"Oh, you can get a taxi motorbike."

So the motorbike turns up, you get on the back.

I got to the second gig. I might as well not bothered.

I was so excited about the bike, I couldn't talk.

The second gig was just me going,

"I've just been on a motorbike.

"They haven't got any doors, have they?

"You don't think of it when you look at them.

"There was a big bus there. It went, 'Tss!' and I didn't scream.

"And he said I was a big brave boy."

LAUGHTER

Absolutely electric feeling, being on a motorbike.

Really... I think it was the motorbike anyway.

I did two things for the first time that day.

First time I've ever been on a motorbike.

Also the first time I've dressed head-to-toe in leather

and clutched a man called Steve.

LAUGHTER

It could have been that I was into. We don't know.

I am married now so, out of respect for the marriage,

I'm going to test this bit first.

I think my wife would be less upset

if I did my motorbike licence

than if I tracked Steve down and took him away for the weekend.

LAUGHTER

Come back on Monday morning,

"It must be the bike, love. We tried fucking everything. We really did."

LAUGHTER

It's just put me off tofu is all.

LAUGHTER

I leave a bigger gap there,

because I can feel you trying not to work that one out,

and that's not acceptable. LAUGHTER

Can you all have the tofu ejaculate image in your heads, please?

I think it's so upsetting

because you picture it coming out cubed.

LAUGHTER

JAUNTY MUSIC

JAUNTY MUSIC

I think people come and see me

because I'm a pathetic piece of shit...

INDIVIDUAL LAUGHS

..and I make you feel better about your lives -

and you laughed too early there. If you don't mind...

LAUGHTER

Just let me get to the end of the sentence.

"Pathetic piece of sh..." "Yes! Yes!"

LAUGHTER

"That's why I'm here. Thank you very much."

"Absolute... I bring my husband as well. It does wonders for him.

"You really are a sack of shit, Jon, so thanks."

LAUGHTER

And then I realised, not only comedy,

everything I've done in my life, apart from this,

I've been absolutely dog shit at.

Cos this job opens doors.

You get opportunities to do things that are an absolute gift.

Now, A League Of Their Own... I mention A League Of Their Own

because it is the scene of my only sporting success in my life.

It's the only thing I've ever done on telly that I've been good at.

I cannot show my daughter

because the reason I was good at this thing

links to the most traumatically upsetting memory I hold.

And I'll tell you about it, right?

I... Usually at the end of A League Of Their Own,

they do a big sporting challenge, right?

And that never bothers me cos I'm the nerd, you see.

I answer the questions

while the jocks fire the custard

that's on fire onto a go-kart full of money or whatever.

This particular episode, they swapped that round.

I don't know why. They must have had a meeting in the afternoon

where they said, "This last challenge is a scary one.

"If we make the little lad do it,

"he might piss himself on telly..."

LAUGHTER "..and then we'll get a BAFTA."

So, oddly, they sent me and Jamie up to do the challenge

and, into the studio, they wheeled the mast of a ship,

an actual ship's mast,

easily the height of this building.

The most enormous thing.

I'd never seen one before.

This will shock you. I was never in the Navy.

LAUGHTER

I went straight from grammar school to being a depressed student.

I dropped out, I was a depressed chef

and now I'm a depressed comedian.

That's been my life.

I don't really go up.

I'm not really comfortable at ground level.

I don't make it worse by going up.

I've never climbed a ship's mast.

And there I thought, "Well, I can't remember the last time

"I climbed anything."

And I'll tell you the last time I climbed anything in my life.

Primary school, PE. That's the last time I climbed...

You know, you'd have your lunch at primary school and then, at the end,

you'd push all the desks and chairs

into the corner of the room, like that.

You'd kick the big bits of Dairylea cheese triangle into the corner,

and then you'd lay out a little assault course,

and that would be PE.

So your teacher could have a half hour off

and you run like rats in a circle.

And I was never particularly fond of PE,

but I don't begrudge having to do it.

I think that's what school is.

You do a little bit of everything

and slowly you funnel the thing you're good at.

I'm sick of hearing people like,

"Oh, I had to do Pythagoras at school.

"I've never used it in my fucking life!"

LAUGHTER

I mean, obviously, you don't use Pythagoras every day,

but you do solve problems.

You understand that teaching young minds different methods

of solving problems, that is a transferable skill.

All I would ask those people is,

"When did you last throw a beanbag through a fucking hula hoop?"

LAUGHTER

We all have to do stuff at school we didn't like.

It would always start with the beanbag through the hula hoop,

and then you'd waddle across the little benches

that you sit on in assembly,

pretending there's any jeopardy to a bench that is three times as wide

as you and two inches off the ground anyway.

LAUGHTER

You jumped down, you'd vault the pommel horse, wouldn't you?

Then you come around, a little forward roll on some mats.

That's more of an emotional assault course, that one.

LAUGHTER

Some people have forgotten their pumps.

They've been allowed to do PE barefoot

so there's big, wet, sweaty footprints on.

LAUGHTER

Eurgh. You've got to try and do a forward roll

without getting other people's foot-sweat in your hair.

JON HEAVES, LAUGHTER

"So I know for a fact he's got a verruca.

"He was off swimming yesterday."

GROANS, LAUGHTER

Do little forward roll, wouldn't you?

And then you'd come round and the last bit,

they would find ropes from one end of the room, and they'd drag them

the length of the dining hall, like that,

tie them to the other end,

and then you had to climb up the rope, touch the ceiling

and come back down again.

And just in case you fell,

they put down the thinnest mats available.

LAUGHTER

Just different-coloured floor. That's all that is.

If you want to absorb the impact, leave the Dairylea down.

It would have done more. LAUGHTER

And I knew when I saw it, I knew I wasn't going to be good

at all of it but I had learned, from primary school,

just be at the back of any queue.

Just let all the good people go first,

and then when you're crap at something,

there's no queue behind you of laughing people.

I watched all my friends go round, roly-poly, up and down the rope.

I knew I'd come a cropper somewhere.

I got to the rope bit and I thought, "Well, here we go. This is the bit."

I knew I wasn't going to get to the top,

but I just thought if I could just get halfway...

I just don't want to be stuck at the bottom.

Like... JON WAILS

If I could just do two pulls, that'll do me.

So I started climbing and, to my absolute amazement,

I did get two or three pulls up

before I froze,

stuck to the rope like that,

just swinging gently in the breeze...

LAUGHTER

..in the dining hall like a little frightened baby monkey, like that.

And I'm going to be honest with you now,

I didn't freeze to that rope because I started to feel scared.

It wasn't fear.

I didn't freeze because I was in pain or anything like that.

I froze to that rope because, out of nowhere,

I started to feel really quite good.

He knows what I'm about to talk about there.

I love that pause there cos one person always outs themselves.

That gentleman there, who laughed, knows what I'm about to talk about.

Crucially, 1,999 of you don't know what I'm about to talk about.

You're about to learn a secret.

You're about to find out about a group of people in society,

of whom we are two.

We're all over the country.

I've done this everywhere, I tell you now,

we're sitting next to you on the bus. We serve you at Burger King.

You can't tell us by looking.

We are the people who ejaculate when we climb ropes.

LAUGHTER

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Hiya.

I don't open with this bit.

Obviously, I get you onside for a bit.

It's not voluntary.

Let me just clear us.

You don't decide to do it. It's involuntary.

You climb the rope, you have an orgasm,

you slither down and decide not to join the Fire Service.

That's how it goes.

It's an innocent thing. I've googled it now.

Sadly, there was no Google in 1990 when I found out I was one.

It's called a coregasm. That's what they call it.

It's an orgasm brought about by the tension of the core muscles

and, obviously, for some of us,

the bottom one is too near the neighbour's house

and when it tenses, it... HE SCREECHES

LAUGHTER

Nothing you can do about it.

Absolutely nothing.

For most of us, it's climbing.

Some people get them doing yoga.

Apparently there's a yoga pose that's really good for doing it.

Some people get them just doing a sit-up.

Can you imagine one sit-up and you have an orgasm.

Can you imagine the tension under which

these people live their lives?

LAUGHTER

Every sneeze, an absolute gamble.

Every time you're on a bus thinking,

"God, if this bus brakes when I'm going down these stairs,

"I'm going to jizz everywhere."

LAUGHTER

For me, it's climbing, right?

And all I can say is that I started climbing that rope,

I probably got about halfway up

and a part of my body that had only ever been for wee-wee,

that's what I thought it was for,

suddenly fizzed and tingled

like there was sherbet inside it.

It was an incredible feeling,

but I knew it was weird

because I'd just watched everyone in my class go up and down

and not stop for a second.

I thought, "Well, you can't feel what I'm feeling

"and just push through.

"This needs some frigging attention, this does.

"If it gets nicer the higher I go, I can't go higher than this.

"It'll explode."

MIMICS EXPLOSION, LAUGHTER

Just fall to the floor like a sycamore seed, like that.

That's why I paused. I just wanted to work out

what the hell was going on with my body, right?

I just needed a minute.

I didn't get one cos, as soon as I froze -

obviously, to my friends, it looked like I was frightened.

So they thought the thing I needed was moral support.

So they started gathering at the bottom of the rope saying,

"Go on, Jon, go on."

Soon, the whole class is there, including my teacher.

"Go on, Jon, you can do it."

I was like, "I'm trying not to do it."

LAUGHTER

I don't know what "it" is, but I've a feeling when it happens

for the first time, it's not supposed to be like this...

LAUGHTER

..in front of all of you in a room

that still smells of pickled onion Space Raiders.

LAUGHTER

The pressure got too much.

All there, All... I knew I had to keep going up.

I give one more pull and sure enough...

LAUGHTER

Fucking juddered to the bottom of that rope.

Got to the... HE WHIMPERS

Obviously, to my friends, it looked like I'd just...

You know, my muscles had spasmed or something like that.

Got to the bottom. They're like, "Oh, don't worry about it, Jon."

I was like, "Ha, I'm not worried."

LAUGHTER

"I'm not worried."

"What is the play this Christmas, miss?"

"Jack And The Beanstalk?"

"Stick me down for Jack."

LAUGHTER

"I will need to stay behind after school and practise on the ropes."

"Fee-fi-fo-fum,

"Fucking hell, I'm going to come."

LAUGHTER

It was a very special feeling, very special.

And I'm sure I brought back some special memories

for you there at the back.

And for all the rest of you who are in this club,

I'm delighted to tell you, you're innocent.

There are no charges to be brought.

It's an innocent, muscular response.

We don't talk, you see.

So if you are in the group, please be relieved.

What I would say is,

I don't need to hear from you after the gig, OK?

LAUGHTER

Sometimes people get a bit excited.

They message me like,

"Do you want to meet at Go Ape next Thursday?"

LAUGHTER

You carry your shame and I'll carry mine.

I did... I was ashamed, I got to the bottom and I knew...

I didn't tell my friends.

I'm like, "That's a bit of all right."

I was like, "Oh, I'm a dirty little rope perv."

I thought there was something wrong with me.

I got home, I didn't tell my family.

When my mum said, "How was school?"

I didn't say, "Yeah, full marks in spelling

"and I jizzed up in PE, so not bad." LAUGHTER

Skipped up the stairs, slammed my bedroom door shut.

I probably didn't talk to anyone for about a week.

I didn't tell anyone. It was my little secret.

What I did do, I found out

I can recreate that feeling on the banister.

LAUGHTER

1,999 of you back in the room all of a sudden!

LAUGHTER

"How, Jon? Do tell."

I'm going to tell you. Don't worry. I'm going to tell you.

And I know you're not all going to try this,

but even if one of you does, that's enough for me.

LAUGHTER

What you do, you need that little bit at the bottom.

You know, when you walk in, the bit at the bottom you hang your coat on.

That's the bit you need. Don't hang your coat on it. What a waste.

It's like using a sex swing as a clothes horse.

Put your coat on the back of the sofa, whatever you need to do,

the little newel post bit.

You want to hook your arms behind that and just dangle off it,

and then lift ever so gently.

JON MOANS

LAUGHTER

You either will or you won't. You will or you won't.

You'll know straight away. I did, and I hung there for six years.

LAUGHTER

That's how I spent my teenage years.

All my friends went out, they developed personalities.

They tried sex and drugs and all that. Not for me. I stayed in.

I hung off that banister like a barnacle.

I'll tell you that now.

You couldn't have got me off with a crowbar and a jet wash.

That was my special spot.

All I achieved in those years,

core muscles of steel.

These muscles here...

Can't see them now. They're lagged and insulated for the winter months,

but they're under there.

If I need to climb, I can do.

I've never needed to climb in my life

until I got to the bottom of this ship's mast

which, unbeknown to me, was to prove no problem whatsoever.

That whistle went off,

I went up that like a rat up a drainpipe.

I will never forget the feeling of going from terrified

to being stood on top of that, looking down

and seeing a sporting idol of mine.

Jamie Redknapp, former England international.

He weren't even halfway up.

He looked up at me, went, "Crikey, Jon, that was fast."

"All I could do not to spunk all over it, to be honest. Yep."

LAUGHTER

Now, I've put a little break in there...

..cos I'm very aware that's the sort of routine

you probably want to talk about amongst yourselves.

LAUGHTER

Pointless me carrying on so I've put a little break.

You can go away and have a little chat.

If you're sat next to someone who laughed very early,

it probably is time for that chat about how many times

you've repainted the staircase at home since you moved in.

If you've never heard of it, google it.

As I say, it's called a coregasm.

That's what you want to google - "coregasm".

Don't google "Roger Bannister" -

you won't get what you're looking for there.

That's... LAUGHTER

That's another tragic tale. But go and have a break.

I'll see you shortly. See you soon.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

JAUNTY MUSIC

ENGINE REVS

LAUGHTER, CHEERING

WHISTLING

CHEERING

Settle down, virgins.

LAUGHTER

JON CHUCKLES

Never seen a guy on a sweet ride?

LAUGHTER

Second half very much like the first half.

I just strut more.

Absolute swagger on me.

It's unbelievable, isn't it?

It's all fake as well.

Imagine if this was real.

Imagine if that was a real motorbike and this wasn't vegan leather.

LAUGHTER

Absolute... I feel sorry for my wife

because I feel like she would be happier

married to this version of me.

I feel like this guy says stuff like,

"Don't sweat it, baby, it don't matter."

LAUGHTER

The real Jon Richardson does not say that.

The real Jon Richardson wakes up

looking for shit to get annoyed about.

And, in that regard, has married a very generous lady.

LAUGHTER

She's a real giver.

LAUGHTER

We have all our arguments in the morning,

and when I say, "We argue in the morning,"

I don't mean like most people do. Not like a, "Oh, what are you like?"

I mean a proper kebab house 2am screaming ding-dong!

An absolute... "I can't do..."

We had a proper, like a marriage-ending,

our biggest ever argument

about quarter to eight in the morning about a banana.

LAUGHTER

I'm going to tell you what happens, but I get quite worked up

so I'll take the leather jacket off so I don't sweat to death.

WHOOPING Yeah. You're welcome.

WHOOPING

This...

You can see the tattoos as well.

LAUGHTER

Got myself inked.

Course I did. Yeah.

Didn't even hurt.

Just pulled them on.

LAUGHTER

I got up with our daughter that morning.

Right, now, I do most of the mornings with our daughter.

That's not cos I'm a good husband or a good father.

I do it to be 1-0 up in the marriage.

I like her to owe me something as early as possible

so our daughter wakes up, I say,

"No, no, you have a lie-in. I'll go down with her."

I go downstairs. "Chance would be a fine thing for daddy."

I'm a prick, I know I am.

Make us some porridge.

Open the fridge, dodge the tofu.

I've learned. LAUGHTER

A bit of cinnamon in there. A bit of honey. Chopped banana.

She's happy as Larry. Lucy comes downstairs.

I'm not going to lie, it's probably about 20 minutes later.

Nevertheless, I give it a big, "Ooh, good afternoon!"

LAUGHTER

Absolute wanker, aren't I?

Totally.

Straight on her. Then we decide to go out, right?

And that's my advice. If you've got young kids, just go out.

Don't stay in. You'll end up shouting at each other.

Then you'll get all angry. Just be outside.

Problem is, you've then got to get your kids dressed.

Kids don't want to get dressed.

So, this morning, this is what Lucy said.

This is cracking parenting.

She said, "If you get dressed quickly, you can have a banana."

Right? Now, a banana's fruit but kids don't know that

cos it's big and cartoony and yellow.

You get to open it like a toy and it's mushy and sweet.

So I said, "That's absolutely fantastic.

"Just to let you know, though, she's already had a banana this morning.

"She doesn't need another one."

Lucy said, "Doesn't really matter, does it?"

JON CHUCKLES

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you could say that.

Of course you could. Of course you could say that.

You could say, "It doesn't really matter."

Or you could say, "I actually think it does matter.

"That's why I said what I said in the first place.

"Because if I didn't think it mattered,

"I wouldn't have fucking said anything, would I?

"Because that would be a waste of everybody's time.

"So I want you to know she's already had one banana

"because she's not going to eat two."

She was four years old at this point.

She's not having two bananas for breakfast

because, to my knowledge, she's not training for a fucking Ironman.

LAUGHTER

She's not having six roast chickens for breakfast either.

She's going to peel the second banana, she's going to play with it.

Then she's going to decide she don't want it, it's going in the bin.

That's a waste of a banana.

You could say, "Well, it's only a banana."

It's not one banana though, is it?

It's a behaviour which I endorse.

That means everyone in the country could do it

and I can't say anything.

So, really, we're talking about 70 million bananas a day instead.

LAUGHTER

And then you could say, "Well, they're only bananas,"

but it's not the banana, is it?

It's the process of becoming a banana in our houses.

That's what's at stake.

That starts in a hot country on the other side of the planet,

doesn't it, where water is scarce,

but it doesn't go to the people in nature that need it.

It goes to the bananas for the people of London.

Ooh!

And I want you to know, I say, "London" up and down the country.

I don't change it where I am,

just really trying to drive a vendetta against London.

LAUGHTER

Usually it's fine.

Newcastle, for some reason, absolutely went mad for it.

GEORDIE ACCENT: "Those banana-wasting pieces of shit!"

LAUGHTER

Anyway, the water goes to the bananas.

The bumblebees come in.

"Bzz. May I have a banana?"

"Pew. Pew. Pesticides. Fucking die, die, die!"

All the bees die. The nature dies. The water dies. The people die.

The soil dies. It doesn't want to be bananas all the time.

The bananas thrive. We cut them down.

We drive them to the point on the island where they get packed

in those big wooden crates and then wrapped in that clingfilm stuff

that lunatics continue to wrap their suitcases in at the airport.

LAUGHTER

Nobody says anything, do they?

"I don't think anyone wants your underpants, Brian.

"Do you want to get on the plane for us? There's a lad."

LAUGHTER

"Just try to make flying a bit more damaging for the planet

"so I'll wrap my suitcases and my family in clingfilm.

"Thank you very much indeed."

LAUGHTER

Clingfilm. Push them onto the boat.

The boat travels right across the planet.

Diesel fumes up in the air.

Acid rain comes down, kills all the fish.

The boat arrives. They push the bananas off. Cut the clingfilm off,

ball it up. That's single use. You don't need that any more.

You can boot it right up a dolphin's vagina. That's finished with.

LAUGHTER

They put them all down -

Aldi, Lidl, Tesco, Morrisons.

Where are they going?

They're all going to London. Don't you worry about that.

There isn't a banana shop. They put these things fucking everywhere.

Then we drive in our cars to the shop to buy the bananas,

now wrapped in a plastic bag for the most perilous last stage

of their journey, back to our house where we open the plastic bag,

put that in the bin, peel a banana, realise it's bruised,

"Fuck that." In the bin as well. LAUGHTER

Absolute waste of time, the whole endeavour.

That is what's at stake when she said to me that morning,

"It doesn't really matter, does it?"

Right? Now, the problem is, at that point,

I hadn't rehearsed all that.

LAUGHTER

That's taken me months to get how I want it, all in sequence.

I knew if I tried to do that off-the-cuff that morning,

I was going to get it wrong and lose the argument.

She goes, "It doesn't really matter, does it?"

I go, "What about the dolphins' vaginas?"

LAUGHTER

Yeah. Sometimes you've got to take a step back, haven't you?

Just calm down. Get your ducks all in a row. So I just kept quiet.

I didn't say anything. I was like, "It doesn't matter.

"Do what you like."

So anyway, daughter gets dressed, we get in the car, we set off,

she passes her a banana. Carry on driving.

We're not even off our street yet.

Little hand comes through from the back

holding this mushed-up, yellow mess...

..and I was absolutely fuming,

but secretly delighted because you've eaten it.

That would have fucked me right up.

LAUGHTER

I just staring at it, like that. I didn't know what to do.

I was overcome with emotion.

Luckily, Lucy wasn't fazed at all.

She just took it out of her hand and popped it in the car door.

Because that is where we keep rotten fruit.

LAUGHTER

And I'm not ready to talk about that just yet.

That'll be in the next tour when I've calmed down.

Cos it's actually still there now.

And I'll tell you what, I'll buy a new fucking car before I move it.

I'll tell you that.

LAUGHTER

Anyway, now I'm absolutely just vibrating.

HE GROWLS

I thought, "Just calm down. Just don't speak. Get it right.

"Don't speak. Don't speak until you're ready to win the argument."

I didn't speak for a week.

LAUGHTER

A week silent. Obviously, now she knows something's wrong.

A week in, she's livid.

She's saying, "Will you tell me what the fuck is wrong with you?!"

I realised, a week in, "I can't say 'a banana' now."

I can't sulk for a week and then say,

"I told you she didn't need another banana."

I've gone far too far, haven't I? I've lost here.

I knew I was going to have to lie, make something bigger up

so I told her I'd had an affair.

LAUGHTER

I'd love to tell you, more for my confidence than anything else,

that you should believe that for a second.

LAUGHTER

Not a flicker of possibility, she said, "No, you haven't.

"No-one else is touching that mess. What's happened?"

LAUGHTER

And I had to recite the whole thing.

"The bumblebees, the soil,"

She said, "Oh, you're a psychopath. I can't be married to you any more."

And she's absolutely right.

I'm not... I'm not defending myself.

I went far, too far on that one.

Food waste, for some reason, I lose my mind over.

I can't handle food waste to the point where I don't even call

myself a vegan any more.

I can't cos sometimes I eat non-vegan stuff.

And I do that because people in my house buy non-vegan stuff

then decide they don't want it.

And I have to decide, as a vegan, but a practical human being,

what's the best thing to do there?

Do I put that perfectly good meal in the bin

and then cook myself something vegan?

But really, I've just doubled the carbon footprint

of that whole experience?

Or do I eat the meal that I don't approve of, morally,

and thus save the carbon?

It's a nightmare! Sometimes I put it in the bin and I hate myself.

Sometimes I eat it,

I hate myself even more. LAUGHTER

Sometimes I eat it

and I fucking love it.

LAUGHTER

Cheeky little guilt-free fish finger over by the bin.

JON CHUCKLES

That disgusting cold one.

It's been out all day.

You wouldn't touch it with a shitty stick.

Still wet underneath from pea water run-off.

LAUGHTER

Licked at the end to get the ketchup off.

HE SCREECHES

"Don't blame me. Blame Captain Birdseye. I didn't catch it."

JAUNTY MUSIC

JAUNTY MUSIC

It's hard, the veganism thing.

The veganism thing is the worst.

Of all the things I try and do to be a good person,

the veganism thing, because you do it for the planet,

but actually other people...

Not only are you not grateful,

you fucking hate me for it, don't you?

I know you do.

I can hear you tutting behind me in Costa when I say, "Oat milk."

I can hear you.

"Oh, now he's got to do another little silver jug,

"you piece of shit." LAUGHTER

Sometimes I think, "What is the point?"

I think, "What is the point?"

And then I think, "Oh, the point should be points.

"You should get more points for being a vegan."

We could easily have an app on our phones.

We carry them everywhere.

So you get every ethical purchase you make, that's more points.

If you hold doors for people, that's points.

Every time you indicate... The phone can hear

the little "tick tock, tick tock." That's one point.

Every time you indicate. More people will do it.

You're in the supermarket.

You're looking in the freezer like that.

You've left your trolley horizontally across the aisle,

ten points off. You're a dickhead.

We don't need you. LAUGHTER

Incentivise good behaviour.

You know, it's a fairly lengthy thing.

I can send you a word document if you're willing to read it.

LAUGHTER

The simpler version is you just split society down the middle

into goodies and baddies.

And that's an unpopular thing to say now.

We're supposed to celebrate, you know, all the different,

you know, things.

But I think, actually, you can say

there are two types of people in the world.

You've got the sort of people who get up in the morning,

they have a bowl of Weetabix before work.

They enjoy that Weetabix, of course they do.

And then they pop it straight in to soak.

And then over here, you've got cunts.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

JON CHUCKLES

You didn't like it, did you? Everyone else is clapping.

You didn't like it.

Ooh. I'm sorry.

You didn't realise you were coming to see

the bad boy of British comedy, I realised that.

LAUGHTER

You thought, "Little Jon Richardson, the cardigan man."

Suddenly it's tattoos, C-bombs.

Strap in. LAUGHTER

Perhaps you're here because you couldn't get tickets

for Frankie Boyle.

I think you'll find me a more than adequate replacement.

LAUGHTER

I don't know what topics the other comedians are dealing with,

I'll guarantee none of them have got the cojones

to tackle Weetabix bowls soaking.

LAUGHTER

I guess that falls to me, guys, don't worry.

And that goes not just for Weetabix,

but all wheat and oat-based cereals.

Your Weetabix, your Shredded Wheat, your porridge.

Pop it in and soak,

or would you like me to chisel the fucking dishes clean?

LAUGHTER

My wife is the reason that my daughter has friends and playdates.

My wife is the reason that our neighbours know when we go away

and they put our bins in for us.

All that stuff I don't do.

I'm the wizened little old crone who doesn't talk to anyone.

She absolutely blows my mind,

and having her, for me, is wonderful.

I think we're good now at talking about chatting about mental health,

your physical health as well.

You need people around you to spot things in your body

because, otherwise, things get worse for no reason.

I'm the little old man you read about on the news.

You know, he'll say, "Well, something was hurting.

"I thought, 'It'll get better or worse.'

"Anyway, it got worse and now I'm dead." That's me.

LAUGHTER

I'm that piece of shit. I don't talk to anyone.

And I know this cos I had a minor incident a few years ago.

Very minor, but it got worse cos I didn't talk to anyone about it,

because I was embarrassed,

and I was embarrassed because it was...

AMERICAN ACCENT: "..up my poop-hole".

LAUGHTER

Which is funny in an American accent, isn't it?

Somehow, you laugh, but you wouldn't have laughed if I told you

I had an itchy anus, would you?

It's not as funny, but somehow...

AMERICAN ACCENT: "A little bit of trouble up grandpa's old shit mine."

LAUGHING

It was itching of a night-time, that's all it was.

A little bit itchy of a night-time,

so obviously I didn't know it was happening because I'm asleep.

I was going to bed fine and waking up like, "What has happened there?"

I was googling, "Is there a crime

"where people break into your house..."

LAUGHTER

"..they don't steal anything, they just put a snooker cue up your arse

"and then they leave again?"

So I did go to a doctor.

It was a big thing for me to go to a doctor for something like that.

And I'm not going to lie, what I wanted was a very old doctor.

You know, you get those ones in their 90s,

they've still got a role to play.

Doctor Legg from EastEnders.

That sort of looking... Hairy-cheeked.

I wanted a doctor for whom there is not a body part I can show them

that they haven't seen a more mangled, unpleasant version of.

70 years in the game.

They've seen the worst nipples and penises, and...

I didn't want one of these new doctors who's read about it,

but they've never prodded one for real with a spatula.

You don't want someone that excited to see your ring-piece.

Absolutely not.

I wanted one of these ones.

These ones are good for mental health, by the way.

Don't be going for these for mental health.

It wasn't even a fucking module when they qualified.

LAUGHTER

Absolute waste of your time talking to them.

"Yeah, I'm just tired a lot. I keep crying, I've got no motivation."

They're like, "OK. Really? Yeah. OK.

"Well, I've written you a prescription here

"for pull your shit together and fuck off."

LAUGHTER

You take that. No, that's yours. You take that. Yeah.

Here's a shop you can buy a mirror in,

and you might want to look in one of those

next time you're going to tell a GP you're tired. OK?

Go fuck yourself. Bye-bye now. LAUGHTER

These will save your life.

These ones are good for bumholes, right?

LAUGHTER

So, I didn't get that. I got this.

Very excited, the doctor, he said, "Up on the bed, please."

That's when it occurred to me he was going to look at my bumhole.

It had never occurred to me he would look.

I thought, "I'll describe it.

"You'll tell me what the problem is

"and tell me what I need to swallow to deal with it."

I didn't know he was going to look at my butt.

He looked inside me.

LAUGHTER

Never been looked inside before.

I've heard a lot of songs about looking inside people

but it's a very different matter in the flesh.

LAUGHTER

To my knowledge, Cyndi Lauper never used the words, "Wider, please."

LAUGHTER

It's a much more graphic endeavour.

He looked up there, he said, "I can't see anything.

"I think you've got worms."

SILENCE

And that was exactly my response.

Stunned silence,

a sort of muffled giggle from another room.

I said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were also a vet."

LAUGHTER

"I can't have worms. I'm a clean-living adult male."

He said, "Well, it's nothing to do with clean.

"When you're resting, that's when they come out to explore."

He didn't do that, obviously.

LAUGHTER

He wasn't much of a mime. Just...

AMERICAN ACCENT: "Good morning, shit head."

He said, "That's when they come out, while you're asleep."

And I said, "Well, what do I do then? Blowtorch?

"Jump off the back of a cruise liner? What do you...?"

And he wrote me out a prescription for a pill,

which he wrote that prescription out.

He might as well have just written,

"Guess who's got worms up his shitter?" on a piece of paper.

I thought there might be one pill that does five or six things,

of which one of them is deal with worms.

It turns out there's a pill,

and its only job is to deal with worms up the bumhole.

And I found that out when I took that to the village pharmacy

in the local village I lived in at the time,

I popped that piece of paper down on the counter,

face down, to have a bit of decorum.

I slid it over to the pharmacist.

She picked it up. She went...

RETCHES

LAUGHTER

Shuffling away from you,

showering an anti-bac gel as she's talking.

RETCHES

She said, "You realise if you've got them,

"you've probably infected your entire household.

"Would you like the family pack?"

And that's what they call it. "The family pack of worming tablets."

Like your dog's. You're supposed to say, "Do you know what?

"I'd love that." I was just thinking, the only thing that could

make today any better is a chat with my wife and child.

Yeah. Give me them now, I'll skip home and do it straight away.

# La-la-la-la, la-la-la. #

"There you go. Daddy just needs you to take that pill there, sweetheart.

"Well, what it is, Daddy's got little worms

"that live up his bum-bum." LAUGHTER

"Every night, they come out scritchy, scratchy,

"scritchy, scratchy. Little eggs, under his fingernails,

"right into your Coco Pops, would you believe?"

LAUGHTER, GROANS

"It truly is a magnificent world, isn't it? Yeah?"

"There's no need to cry. Don't cry about it.

"No, no, no, no, don't get upset.

"She's crying. Will you bring us some bananas to peel, please?

"Yeah." LAUGHTER

"You peel. No, no, no, don't go away.

"I need to talk to you as well. Yeah."

LAUGHTER

It's awful. You take this pill

and, ideally, you want it to work immediately.

Like the end of Wizard of Oz.

You want to pop that pill and hear them sizzling, like, "I'm melting."

It takes a week. You basically starve them out.

And while they're dying in there,

you can't put new ones in the top.

So that week, you have to be meticulous, cleanliness,

by which you mean you boil wash everybody's bed clothes,

everybody's bedding every morning.

If you go to the toilet, my advice, burn your house down and rebuild.

LAUGHTER

Quicker, in the long run, than dealing with the consequences.

It's an awful week if you've ever had worms.

Teachers will know what I'm talking about. They go all round schools.

It's an awful week. It's not the best week, if you do all that,

only to find out you actually never had worms to begin with.

LAUGHTER

That's what you call a classic misdiagnosis, that is

because days eight, nine and ten -

just as itchy as one, two and three.

So off you go back to the doctors, you say,

"I'd like a second opinion, please.

"I don't want to see him ever again."

"I can hear you laughing in there, you prick."

LAUGHTER

"Second opinion, please."

Another doctor comes out and says, "OK, Mr Richardson,

"we're going to do a digital examination."

And you think, "Thank heavens for that. Computers!"

LAUGHTER

About time we got Google on the case.

Be one of those little nano doctors, I swallow it, it'll go around,

tell me what the problem is.

I didn't realise, in 2023, digital can still mean

a finger right up the arsehole.

LAUGHTER

I will say this, I think a competent GP should be able to tell

what's wrong with your bumhole with that one.

LAUGHTER

That seems enough to me to get to the heart of the matter.

Do you know what I mean?

You don't have to be in the middle of the dance floor

to know you don't like the music, do you?

You just have a little peer in the door.

That should be enough to get the vibe of the room.

All that one says is, "Well, I've got to throw

"the whole glove out anyway."

"Whack!" LAUGHTER

Right up there. He said, "Well, I can't feel anything."

I was like, "Fucking hell, I can."

LAUGHTER

And then he was worried. He said, "I can't feel anything.

"You're going to have to go to hospital."

So he sent me for a camera up the bum.

I got to my appointment a little bit early, two or three weeks,

something like that. LAUGHTER

Just wanted to find where I needed to be

and not have to ask for directions.

I didn't want to ask... I don't like asking for directions anyway.

I'm a very cliched man.

Certainly didn't want to ask for directions to

the bumhole department of a hospital.

Couldn't find the department.

Got to about five minutes before my appointment.

I was like, "I'm going to miss it." I had to go to reception.

I swear this is true. I went to the reception of the hospital.

I said to the man there, "Excuse me, could you tell me where the...?"

I didn't even get as far as "bumhole department,"

I think I said "Colo-" something like that.

I swear to God.

The man looked up at me and he went.

LAUGHS

"Oh, dear, what's Jimmy Carr going to say about this then, eh?"

LAUGHTER

I couldn't believe it. At a hospital reception.

I was like, "I'm probably not going to tell him, mate, actually."

I'm probably going to go through there and let them do

what they need to do and then move on with my life as was,

to be honest. I mean, a quick email getting you struck off,

but apart from that....

LAUGHTER

I said, "Can you just tell me where I need to go?

He said, "Aye, it's down that corridor, son.

"Follow the brown signs. LAUGHTER AND GROANS

I swear this is true. If you're ever in the West Yorkshire region,

and you need to find the Bumhole Department of Calderdale Hospital,

you have to go out of the front of the hospital, round the back

and in a different door.

LAUGHTER

They were having fun in the hospital planning department

and fair play to them. I got in there.

He was lubing up the camera. He got it up my bum.

He said, "I'm going to stop there.

"I can see, straight away, it's just a haemorrhoid."

And I thought, "Right, well, let's go back and strike off

"Johnny Five Guys as well, shall we?"

This thing you can see almost with the naked eye,

he couldn't detect climbing my inner walls

with crampons and a guide?!

LAUGHTER

And I tell you, all this because a haemorrhoid is...

That's all it was. It turned out to be the easiest thing to deal with

I've ever had. Whack a bit of cream on it and it goes.

And I know that cos I spoke to a few friends

who I was brave enough to say,

"Look, I had a haemorrhoid recently."

Every one of them said, "I've had one of them.

"Bloody awful, isn't it?"

Turns out everyone in this room has a haemorrhoid

and you're not telling anyone. I know that now.

If you're sat next to someone having a bit of a wriggle in their chair,

like that, this is about the time they're starting to wake up now,

just trying to get it itched.

There. I can see young people looking at me,

"Not me, Jon." Tick-tock, motherfuckers.

LAUGHTER

Yeah. The haemorrhoid is coming for you.

I'll tell you that now.

Absolutely nothing you can do about it.

But we don't talk about it.

And I think, "Well, if someone as sexy as me can break that taboo."

"If a tattooed biker dude like me could knock down the walls

"of haemorrhoid chat then I will do." It's completely not your fault.

You can get them on the toilet.

They happen a lot during childbirth.

You can get them during exercise.

You can get one climbing a rope!

It's no-one's business how you got it.

LAUGHTER

But it pops out, you pop a little bit of cream on it, it'll disappear.

If your one's like mine,

it's called an internal one.

It's a bit shy. It's just up there.

You buy a little rocket-shaped pills and you whack one of them up

before you go to bed.

That isn't fun.

If you haven't got a haemorrhoid, don't do it.

LAUGHTER

Stick with your bedtime routine as is.

And I'll tell you this, the bumhole is an idiot.

You might not know this. The bumhole is an absolute moron.

It doesn't understand you're trying to help.

I don't know if you... I know you've got dogs.

I don't know if you've got pets

and you need to give them a pill cos they're poorly

but the pet thinks you're trying to poison it. It's a very similar...

You know when you've got a dog, you're like,

"Can you just eat that for me?"

RETCHES "No.

"Eat it." RETCHES

It's exactly the same with the bum hole.

You're like, "Eat that." RETCHES

"Eat it." RETCHES

"Eat it!" RETCHES

Ten minutes of this.

"Eat it."

It's the same advice for both.

You've just got to thumb it right to the back.

Just give it no choice. LAUGHTER

Get it in there.

Once you've got it in there,

bite down on it.

Let it take.

LAUGHTER

Don't be cartwheeling off to bed.

You haven't finished yet.

Wait.

Grip on to the sink.

Just hold.

Hold!

Because once you get it up, the bumhole becomes a genius.

Get it up there, your bumhole will say to you,

"Oh, excuse me, I just need a little fart,"

and you'll fall for that the first few nights. I did.

You think, "Perhaps it's one of them little bubble ones.

"I can just curl it round the edge.

"Just pop it out. No-one's any the wiser."

I'll tell you now, "There's no fart up there."

That's a trick, is what that is.

Once you've got it up, don't risk a fart

and hear it ping off the bathtub.

LAUGHTER

Scratching around for it in the dark.

"Where the fucking hell's that gone now?"

"Oh, there's the remote control.

LAUGHTER

There we go. I mean, you never know what the last line of a tour

is going to be when you start writing one.

I really did want, you know, for this show...

I rewrote this entire show during the sort of Covid break,

and I thought, "I'm going to write a really intellectual show...

"..about..." LAUGHTER

"About how easy it is to put clothes on."

LAUGHTER

Oh, no.

LAUGHTER

Oh, no.

There we go. All right.

We'll just edit this out.

Don't you worry about that.

Just...

Oh, slick!

CHEERING

I thought, "I'm going to write..."

This is the speech about how I was going to write

a really intellectual show

but it's not as powerful if you've just seen me

fail to put on a jacket.

LAUGHTER

I thought, "I'm going to write a really intellectual show,

"you know, about how the problems we've faced and how, um..."

Oh, there's the zip. Come on, you fucker. There we... Oh, no.

There we go. Oh, there we go.

Wonderful.

CHEERING

It's not how I wanted the show to end,

a round of applause for me successfully putting on a coat,

but I will take it. LAUGHTER

I wanted to end by dedicating the show to my daughter.

Given how much of it is about my bumhole,

I think that's no longer appropriate.

LAUGHTER

So I just want to end by thanking her,

by thanking you for coming.

Thank you so much for this evening.

It's been a pleasure talking to you...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

REVVING

WHISTLING

Thanks for watching my daddy,

Jon Poopy-pants!

LAUGHTER

JAUNTY MUSIC

Subtitles by Red Bee Media