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This programme contains very
strong language and adult humour
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JAUNTY MUSIC
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Good evening, Hackney Empire.
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It's time to start the show.
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Please welcome to the stage,
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me!
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Ah.
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Thank you very much. Thank you.
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Thank you very much.
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Thank you.
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How kind and completely unexpected.
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LAUGHTER
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Thank you very much for coming.
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This is... We're
recording the show tonight,
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a mere five years after
this tour was announced.
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So, what a wonderful...
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I thought I'd announce a tour,
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just a couple of years in the middle
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for the world to absolutely
go to pieces in between.
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Nothing good has come from Covid,
obviously.
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It's been a good test of the
admin skills of my audience.
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That's all I would say.
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If you can buy tickets to a gig, pin
them on your fridge
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and then spend five years surviving
a pandemic, relocating,
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buy a new house with a new partner,
start a new life with a new fridge,
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and still turn up at that gig on the
right night,
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you are my kind of people,
I'll tell you that now.
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CHEERING
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OK, I think this will be the
first live show recording
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where they have to edit the
audience out for being too generous.
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I appreciate it's been
a five-year wait.
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For some, that was slightly too far.
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I got a little message from
Jamie at about 7:30 from his seat
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and where's Jamie's? He's down
here somewhere, I think.
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Or maybe upstairs.
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Jamie Stockton.
A SINGLE CHEER
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There you are, Jamie. Sent me a
little message
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at 7:30 from his seat.
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"Waiting."
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LAUGHTER
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I like it when people message me
before the gig,
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cos it tells me they're excited
to be at the gig.
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But also, they probably
didn't see the last tour
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where, if you send me a message
on social media,
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I will go through your account
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and find out everything about you
and tell everyone in the room,
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so...
LAUGHTER
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I wouldn't do that again,
would I, Jamie? No.
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It would be hack to do that two
years in a row, wouldn't it?
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Who's looking after the dogs
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if you two are here tonight?
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LAUGHTER
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Two dogs. Lovely dogs, aren't they?
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Lovely dogs. Good dogs.
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Have you come all the way
from Weston-super-Mare for this?
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LAUGHTER
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Have you? Yeah. Have you?
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You're a legend. Absolute legend.
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Thank you.
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And you're having your bathroom done
at the minute as well, aren't you?
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LAUGHTER
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That's a busy guy.
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You're a chef, aren't you?
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Yeah.
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That tomato and shallot salad with
edible flowers.
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Oh, mate.
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Now I'm not going to do any more,
so you can relax now, Jamie.
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You can absolutely... Everyone.
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I'm not one of those comedians
who's like,
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"OK, let's see what's happening."
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I know exactly what's going
to happen and in what order.
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Don't you worry about that.
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You'll be out of here as close
to 10pm as I can manage, OK?
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LAUGHTER
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Nobody's getting locked in the car
park at a Jon Richardson gig.
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You will be home exactly
when you expected to get home.
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It's not what I want you to
remember of the experience.
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Don't get me wrong.
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"How was that gig?" "Prompt."
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LAUGHTER
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I am going to swear.
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I say that at the beginning.
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I am going to...
I don't mean to,
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I don't think it's clever.
I don't swear artistically.
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I'm small and I'm frightened of you.
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That's what that is.
LAUGHTER
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If I swear, you might
respect me more.
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It's not the bad ones.
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It's mostly just effing and
jeffing, and things like that.
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There is one... There's one,
that...
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CHUCKLES
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I do one really bad one later on,
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just because I've
never done it before,
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and I've done four tours and
I've never really used it.
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So I thought, you know, what's
changed in comedy now,
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you used to retire and now you
get cancelled against your will.
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So I thought, "I'd rather
say it when it's my choice."
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LAUGHTER
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I thought I'd put it in the show
rather than be filmed
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screaming it repeatedly,
dragged out of a theatre, so...
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..I've put one in later on.
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The interesting thing is, now
I've told you there's only one
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and you need to look out for it,
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when I do say it, you'll be so
proud of yourself for spotting it,
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you'll clap and cheer and whoop,
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and it will absolutely baffle people
who've arrived late -
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00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:04,880
that I'll say a horrible word
and you'll go, "Yeah!"
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I am also going to
try and enjoy myself.
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That's what I imagine it looks like.
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I watch other comedians, and they
all like skipping about
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and laughing while they're onstage.
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And I've never really enjoyed life.
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LAUGHTER
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For me, it's a series of tasks that
you must do well and then you die.
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That's what I see life as.
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And this is...
I'm not here to enjoy myself.
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I'm here to do the job properly.
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But I had a bit of
a moment on this tour.
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I hit 40 on this tour,
so brace yourselves.
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This is the "midlife crisis" tour.
Woo-hoo-hoo!
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I'm waiting for it
to kick in properly.
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So far, just the jacket.
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LAUGHTER
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00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:43,720
I had this made especially
for the tour,
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cos the tour is called The Knitwit.
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So I had someone get a nice suit
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and then knit... These were
hand-knitted for this
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and then sewn on, and I thought,
"People will appreciate that."
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I realised I'd wasted my money
about four gigs in.
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Someone in the crowd at
Dublin messaged in the interval
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to ask why I'd come
dressed as Ryanair cabin crew.
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LAUGHTER
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No, you applaud an Irish stranger.
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Don't you worry about the jokes
I've written.
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You applaud yourselves.
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00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:12,920
I try not to swear in general.
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I have a six-year-old daughter
at home who recently said, "Fuck."
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We did a little investigation into
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where she might have
picked that word up.
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We wound the tape back
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six or seven seconds to
where I said it.
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LAUGHTER
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Shut the case file depressingly
early on that one.
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I'd love to tell you I introduced
her to that word
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cos we'd nearly had a car
accident or something like that.
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I actually said it
because my wife put the tofu
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back in the fridge incorrectly.
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LAUGHTER
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It's not the best reason
to say that word
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in front of a six-year-old, I think.
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In my defence,
if there is one,
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we buy the Cauldron tofu.
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It comes in a plastic
tray with a film lid
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with a sort of brine inside it.
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And when I open the tofu,
what I like to do,
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I like to make a thin incision
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down the short end of
that rectangle there,
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and I drain the brine straight off.
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I'm not going to lie,
you don't need that.
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And then I'll make two further
incisions lengthwise,
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down the long edge,
I'll peel the film back,
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I'll cut what tofu I need -
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obviously perpendicular
to the long edge,
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to maintain the right angle
that I find so satisfying.
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And then I will...
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If I use more than 50% of the tofu,
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I'll repackage what remains
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in a more
size-appropriate container,
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just to maximise fridge efficiency.
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LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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My wife, when she opens the tofu,
ever so slightly different.
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What she likes to do
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is tear at the packaging
like a fucking bear...
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LAUGHTER
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..that's never encountered
packaging before.
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She'll scoop out whatever she needs
with whatever's to hand.
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I find it back in the fridge
with screws in it, bits of Lego,
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stuff like that.
LAUGHTER
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00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:35,920
Crucially, she leaves the brine in
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and balances what remains
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precariously on the top
shelf of the fridge.
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LAUGHTER
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So, when daddy bear goes to make
the porridge the next morning,
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it tumbles down and he gets a sort
of creamy, salty tofu jizz facial
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at quarter to seven in the morning.
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LAUGHTER
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00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:52,240
Invariably says something along the
lines of, "For fuck's sake, Lucy."
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Thinks he's in the right
for once in the house
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00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:55,840
before he hears, from
over his shoulder...
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BABY VOICE: "Yeah, for
fuck's sake, Lucy!"
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LAUGHTER
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Here we go. I'm the arsehole again.
That was quick.
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LAUGHTER
195
00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:06,040
I have managed to come off
certain swear words
196
00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:07,560
onto less offensive ones.
197
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:10,640
So, like, I've weaned myself
off "wanker" and on to "wazzock"
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00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:12,240
cos I can't stop the "wa-"
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00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:14,440
but I can just veer off in time.
200
00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:16,480
So if we get caught up when
I'm driving now,
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00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,360
I'll go, "Look at
that fucking wazzock!"
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LAUGHTER
203
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:22,840
It's a little bit better, isn't it?
204
00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:24,880
There's no point changing "fuck",
205
00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:26,320
she knows that word already, so...
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00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:27,800
LAUGHTER
207
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:30,600
You can't put that back in the jar,
can you, once it's open?
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00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:34,400
I think the standard of driving
in this country is so low
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00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:37,000
because we let people
keep trying until they pass.
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00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,920
LAUGHTER
211
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,920
It's a ludicrous system when
you think about it, isn't it?
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00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:42,880
You wouldn't put up
with it anywhere else.
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00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:45,280
I think three goes is enough
before the rest of us say,
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00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:47,280
"You're shit at this.
Do you want to get the bus?"
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00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:48,320
LAUGHTER
216
00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:49,480
And I can tell now, I can't see,
217
00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:51,400
but there'll be someone nudging
their partner up the back.
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00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:54,840
"Oh, I passed fifth time.
I'm actually a very good driver."
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00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:56,240
You're fucking not!
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00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:57,800
LAUGHTER
221
00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:00,040
You're a shit driver who got lucky
on your fifth driving test.
222
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:01,160
That's all you are.
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00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:02,640
LAUGHTER
224
00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:03,840
I really do want a midlife crisis.
225
00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:05,240
I'm totally up for it.
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00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:06,560
I have... As I hit 40,
227
00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:08,960
I - totally cliche - start
thinking about tattoos a lot.
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00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:10,560
I really want a tattoo,
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00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:12,200
but it's not an artful thing I want.
230
00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:13,640
It's more of an intrusive thought
with me.
231
00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:15,720
You know, you've got that bit of
your brain that wants to hurt you,
232
00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:17,200
even though it's in your own head -
233
00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:18,840
just constantly trying to upset you.
234
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You turn your gas on to cook
your dinner and it says, "Lick it."
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LAUGHTER
236
00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:24,560
I think, "That'll burn myself."
237
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:27,440
"No, you won't. It's blue.
Cold things are always blue."
238
00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:28,800
LAUGHTER
239
00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:30,880
It's that bit of my brain
that wants a tattoo
240
00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:33,160
and I know that cos when I walk
past a tattoo parlour, it says,
241
00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:35,200
"Go in there and get a cock
and balls on your forehead."
242
00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:36,680
LAUGHTER
243
00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:39,240
So, I'm thinking about tattoos,
I'm also thinking about a motorbike.
244
00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:40,800
And when I say,
"Thinking about a motorbike,"
245
00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:42,000
I mean I'm getting a motorbike.
246
00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:43,120
I am going to get a motorbike
247
00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:45,720
because I had a memory recently
that I'd been on one in my career.
248
00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:46,800
When I when I first started,
249
00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:48,080
I had two gigs in London
250
00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:50,160
and I couldn't get
a taxi between them
251
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:52,280
or we would have got caught in
traffic and my agent said,
252
00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:54,160
"Oh, you can get a taxi motorbike."
253
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:55,760
So the motorbike turns up,
you get on the back.
254
00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:57,600
I got to the second gig.
I might as well not bothered.
255
00:08:57,640 --> 00:08:59,600
I was so excited about
the bike, I couldn't talk.
256
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:00,880
The second gig was just me going,
257
00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:03,520
"I've just been on a motorbike.
258
00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:04,960
"They haven't got any doors, have
they?
259
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:06,360
"You don't think of it when you look
at them.
260
00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:08,520
"There was a big bus there.
It went, 'Tss!' and I didn't scream.
261
00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:10,480
"And he said I was a big brave boy."
262
00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:12,360
LAUGHTER
263
00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,720
Absolutely electric feeling,
being on a motorbike.
264
00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:16,640
Really... I think it
was the motorbike anyway.
265
00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:18,560
I did two things for
the first time that day.
266
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,240
First time I've ever
been on a motorbike.
267
00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:22,760
Also the first time I've dressed
head-to-toe in leather
268
00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:24,120
and clutched a man called Steve.
269
00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:25,440
LAUGHTER
270
00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:28,080
It could have been that I was into.
We don't know.
271
00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:30,160
I am married now so, out
of respect for the marriage,
272
00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:31,840
I'm going to test this bit first.
273
00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:33,560
I think my wife would be less upset
274
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:34,920
if I did my motorbike licence
275
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:37,680
than if I tracked Steve down
and took him away for the weekend.
276
00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:39,040
LAUGHTER
277
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:40,200
Come back on Monday morning,
278
00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:42,960
"It must be the bike, love. We tried
fucking everything. We really did."
279
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:44,480
LAUGHTER
280
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:46,080
It's just put me off tofu is all.
281
00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:48,880
LAUGHTER
282
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:51,200
I leave a bigger gap there,
283
00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:53,600
because I can feel you trying
not to work that one out,
284
00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:55,480
and that's not acceptable.
LAUGHTER
285
00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:57,360
Can you all have the tofu ejaculate
image in your heads, please?
286
00:09:57,400 --> 00:09:58,640
I think it's so upsetting
287
00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:00,440
because you picture it
coming out cubed.
288
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:02,800
LAUGHTER
289
00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:04,960
JAUNTY MUSIC
290
00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:10,280
JAUNTY MUSIC
291
00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:11,640
I think people come and see me
292
00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:13,560
because I'm a pathetic
piece of shit...
293
00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:14,760
INDIVIDUAL LAUGHS
294
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:16,400
..and I make you feel
better about your lives -
295
00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:18,040
and you laughed too early there.
If you don't mind...
296
00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:19,760
LAUGHTER
297
00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:22,760
Just let me get to the
end of the sentence.
298
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:24,680
"Pathetic piece of sh..."
"Yes! Yes!"
299
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:25,960
LAUGHTER
300
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,120
"That's why I'm here.
Thank you very much."
301
00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:30,760
"Absolute... I bring my husband as
well. It does wonders for him.
302
00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:33,120
"You really are a sack of shit,
Jon, so thanks."
303
00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:34,800
LAUGHTER
304
00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:36,360
And then I realised,
not only comedy,
305
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:38,160
everything I've done in my life,
apart from this,
306
00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:39,320
I've been absolutely dog shit at.
307
00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:40,760
Cos this job opens doors.
308
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:43,440
You get opportunities to do things
that are an absolute gift.
309
00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:45,480
Now, A League Of Their Own...
I mention A League Of Their Own
310
00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:47,880
because it is the scene of my only
sporting success in my life.
311
00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:50,240
It's the only thing I've ever done
on telly that I've been good at.
312
00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:51,360
I cannot show my daughter
313
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,160
because the reason
I was good at this thing
314
00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:55,920
links to the most traumatically
upsetting memory I hold.
315
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:57,440
And I'll tell you about it, right?
316
00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,840
I... Usually at the end of
A League Of Their Own,
317
00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:01,440
they do a big
sporting challenge, right?
318
00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:04,200
And that never bothers me
cos I'm the nerd, you see.
319
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:05,440
I answer the questions
320
00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:07,280
while the jocks fire the custard
321
00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:10,800
that's on fire onto a go-kart
full of money or whatever.
322
00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:13,040
This particular episode,
they swapped that round.
323
00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:15,200
I don't know why. They must have had
a meeting in the afternoon
324
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:17,440
where they said, "This last
challenge is a scary one.
325
00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:19,400
"If we make the little lad do it,
326
00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:21,040
"he might piss himself on telly..."
327
00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:23,120
LAUGHTER
"..and then we'll get a BAFTA."
328
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:26,520
So, oddly, they sent me and
Jamie up to do the challenge
329
00:11:26,560 --> 00:11:29,440
and, into the studio, they wheeled
the mast of a ship,
330
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:30,560
an actual ship's mast,
331
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:32,320
easily the height of this building.
332
00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:33,560
The most enormous thing.
333
00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:35,040
I'd never seen one before.
334
00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:36,920
This will shock you.
I was never in the Navy.
335
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:38,320
LAUGHTER
336
00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:40,680
I went straight from grammar school
to being a depressed student.
337
00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:42,480
I dropped out,
I was a depressed chef
338
00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:43,760
and now I'm a depressed comedian.
339
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:44,960
That's been my life.
340
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:46,760
I don't really go up.
341
00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:48,600
I'm not really comfortable
at ground level.
342
00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:50,120
I don't make it worse by going up.
343
00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:51,440
I've never climbed a ship's mast.
344
00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:53,320
And there I thought, "Well,
I can't remember the last time
345
00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:54,480
"I climbed anything."
346
00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:56,560
And I'll tell you the last time
I climbed anything in my life.
347
00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:58,480
Primary school, PE. That's the
last time I climbed...
348
00:11:58,520 --> 00:12:00,800
You know, you'd have your lunch at
primary school and then, at the end,
349
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:02,240
you'd push all the desks and chairs
350
00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:05,000
into the corner of
the room, like that.
351
00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:07,280
You'd kick the big bits of Dairylea
cheese triangle into the corner,
352
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:09,200
and then you'd lay out
a little assault course,
353
00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:10,560
and that would be PE.
354
00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:12,480
So your teacher could have a half
hour off
355
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:14,320
and you run like rats in a circle.
356
00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:16,320
And I was never
particularly fond of PE,
357
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:18,360
but I don't begrudge
having to do it.
358
00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:19,400
I think that's what school is.
359
00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:20,520
You do a little bit of everything
360
00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:22,480
and slowly you funnel
the thing you're good at.
361
00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:24,040
I'm sick of hearing people like,
362
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:26,560
"Oh, I had to do
Pythagoras at school.
363
00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:28,960
"I've never used it
in my fucking life!"
364
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,400
LAUGHTER
365
00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:36,400
I mean, obviously, you don't
use Pythagoras every day,
366
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:37,840
but you do solve problems.
367
00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:40,320
You understand that teaching
young minds different methods
368
00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:43,000
of solving problems, that
is a transferable skill.
369
00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:44,480
All I would ask those people is,
370
00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:47,880
"When did you last throw a beanbag
through a fucking hula hoop?"
371
00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:50,120
LAUGHTER
372
00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,360
We all have to do stuff
at school we didn't like.
373
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:55,120
It would always start with the
beanbag through the hula hoop,
374
00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:56,640
and then you'd waddle across
the little benches
375
00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:58,160
that you sit on in assembly,
376
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:01,400
pretending there's any jeopardy to a
bench that is three times as wide
377
00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:03,520
as you and two inches
off the ground anyway.
378
00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:04,840
LAUGHTER
379
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:07,000
You jumped down, you'd vault the
pommel horse, wouldn't you?
380
00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:09,800
Then you come around, a little
forward roll on some mats.
381
00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:12,480
That's more of an emotional
assault course, that one.
382
00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:13,720
LAUGHTER
383
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,120
Some people have
forgotten their pumps.
384
00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:17,600
They've been allowed
to do PE barefoot
385
00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:19,800
so there's big, wet,
sweaty footprints on.
386
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:21,280
LAUGHTER
387
00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:23,440
Eurgh. You've got to try and
do a forward roll
388
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:25,400
without getting other people's
foot-sweat in your hair.
389
00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:27,480
JON HEAVES, LAUGHTER
390
00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:29,560
"So I know for a fact
he's got a verruca.
391
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,720
"He was off swimming yesterday."
392
00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:33,200
GROANS, LAUGHTER
393
00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:34,480
Do little forward roll,
wouldn't you?
394
00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:36,360
And then you'd come
round and the last bit,
395
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:39,120
they would find ropes from one end
of the room, and they'd drag them
396
00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:40,640
the length of the dining hall,
like that,
397
00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:41,920
tie them to the other end,
398
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:43,920
and then you had to climb
up the rope, touch the ceiling
399
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:45,360
and come back down again.
400
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:46,640
And just in case you fell,
401
00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:48,360
they put down the thinnest
mats available.
402
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:50,080
LAUGHTER
403
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:53,040
Just different-coloured floor.
That's all that is.
404
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:55,720
If you want to absorb the impact,
leave the Dairylea down.
405
00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:57,800
It would have done more.
LAUGHTER
406
00:13:57,840 --> 00:13:59,800
And I knew when I saw it,
I knew I wasn't going to be good
407
00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:01,560
at all of it but I had learned,
from primary school,
408
00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:02,880
just be at the back of any queue.
409
00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:05,120
Just let all the
good people go first,
410
00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:06,480
and then when you're
crap at something,
411
00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:08,560
there's no queue behind
you of laughing people.
412
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,440
I watched all my friends go round,
roly-poly, up and down the rope.
413
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:13,000
I knew I'd come a cropper somewhere.
414
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:16,000
I got to the rope bit and I thought,
"Well, here we go. This is the bit."
415
00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:18,280
I knew I wasn't going to
get to the top,
416
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:19,960
but I just thought if I could
just get halfway...
417
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:21,760
I just don't want to be
stuck at the bottom.
418
00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:23,080
Like...
JON WAILS
419
00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:25,080
If I could just do
two pulls, that'll do me.
420
00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:27,280
So I started climbing and, to my
absolute amazement,
421
00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:29,320
I did get two or three pulls up
422
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:30,840
before I froze,
423
00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:32,360
stuck to the rope like that,
424
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:34,400
just swinging
gently in the breeze...
425
00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:35,760
LAUGHTER
426
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:38,720
..in the dining hall like a little
frightened baby monkey, like that.
427
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:40,840
And I'm going to be honest
with you now,
428
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:43,040
I didn't freeze to that rope
because I started to feel scared.
429
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:44,320
It wasn't fear.
430
00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:46,680
I didn't freeze because I was
in pain or anything like that.
431
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,200
I froze to that rope
because, out of nowhere,
432
00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:51,120
I started to feel really quite good.
433
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:54,760
He knows what I'm about
to talk about there.
434
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:57,600
I love that pause there cos one
person always outs themselves.
435
00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:00,920
That gentleman there, who laughed,
knows what I'm about to talk about.
436
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:04,880
Crucially, 1,999 of you don't know
what I'm about to talk about.
437
00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:06,760
You're about to learn a secret.
438
00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:09,400
You're about to find out about
a group of people in society,
439
00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:10,600
of whom we are two.
440
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:11,680
We're all over the country.
441
00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:13,120
I've done this everywhere,
I tell you now,
442
00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:15,640
we're sitting next to you on the
bus. We serve you at Burger King.
443
00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:17,800
You can't tell us by looking.
444
00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:20,600
We are the people who ejaculate
when we climb ropes.
445
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:24,400
LAUGHTER
446
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:28,280
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
447
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:34,280
Hiya.
448
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:37,720
I don't open with this bit.
449
00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:40,360
Obviously, I get
you onside for a bit.
450
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:41,560
It's not voluntary.
451
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:43,160
Let me just clear us.
452
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:45,680
You don't decide to do it.
It's involuntary.
453
00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:47,560
You climb the rope,
you have an orgasm,
454
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,760
you slither down and decide
not to join the Fire Service.
455
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:51,040
That's how it goes.
456
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,160
It's an innocent thing.
I've googled it now.
457
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,720
Sadly, there was no Google in
1990 when I found out I was one.
458
00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:57,760
It's called a coregasm.
That's what they call it.
459
00:15:57,800 --> 00:16:01,240
It's an orgasm brought about by
the tension of the core muscles
460
00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:03,040
and, obviously, for some of us,
461
00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:05,160
the bottom one is too
near the neighbour's house
462
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,120
and when it tenses, it...
HE SCREECHES
463
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:08,400
LAUGHTER
464
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:09,720
Nothing you can do about it.
465
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:10,800
Absolutely nothing.
466
00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:12,120
For most of us, it's climbing.
467
00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:13,400
Some people get them doing yoga.
468
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:15,680
Apparently there's a yoga pose
that's really good for doing it.
469
00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:17,600
Some people get them
just doing a sit-up.
470
00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:19,920
Can you imagine one sit-up
and you have an orgasm.
471
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:21,960
Can you imagine the tension
under which
472
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:23,240
these people live their lives?
473
00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:24,760
LAUGHTER
474
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:26,680
Every sneeze, an absolute gamble.
475
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,720
Every time you're on a bus thinking,
476
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:31,440
"God, if this bus brakes
when I'm going down these stairs,
477
00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:32,960
"I'm going to jizz everywhere."
478
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:34,680
LAUGHTER
479
00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:36,360
For me, it's climbing, right?
480
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:39,520
And all I can say is that
I started climbing that rope,
481
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:40,840
I probably got about halfway up
482
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:42,960
and a part of my body that
had only ever been for wee-wee,
483
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,880
that's what I thought it was for,
484
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:46,600
suddenly fizzed and tingled
485
00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:48,840
like there was sherbet inside it.
486
00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:50,240
It was an incredible feeling,
487
00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:51,560
but I knew it was weird
488
00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:53,640
because I'd just watched everyone in
my class go up and down
489
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,440
and not stop for a second.
490
00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:57,400
I thought, "Well, you can't
feel what I'm feeling
491
00:16:57,440 --> 00:16:58,840
"and just push through.
492
00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:02,280
"This needs some frigging attention,
this does.
493
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:04,760
"If it gets nicer the higher I go,
I can't go higher than this.
494
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:06,400
"It'll explode."
495
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:07,560
MIMICS EXPLOSION, LAUGHTER
496
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:10,320
Just fall to the floor like
a sycamore seed, like that.
497
00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:12,400
That's why I paused.
I just wanted to work out
498
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:14,640
what the hell was going
on with my body, right?
499
00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:16,200
I just needed a minute.
500
00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:17,960
I didn't get one cos, as soon
as I froze -
501
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:20,360
obviously, to my friends,
it looked like I was frightened.
502
00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:22,960
So they thought the thing
I needed was moral support.
503
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,160
So they started gathering at the
bottom of the rope saying,
504
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:27,360
"Go on, Jon, go on."
505
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,480
Soon, the whole class is there,
including my teacher.
506
00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:30,960
"Go on, Jon, you can do it."
507
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:32,680
I was like,
"I'm trying not to do it."
508
00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:34,440
LAUGHTER
509
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:36,320
I don't know what "it" is,
but I've a feeling when it happens
510
00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:38,640
for the first time,
it's not supposed to be like this...
511
00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:40,480
LAUGHTER
512
00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:41,640
..in front of all of you in a room
513
00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:44,000
that still smells of pickled
onion Space Raiders.
514
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:45,680
LAUGHTER
515
00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:46,720
The pressure got too much.
516
00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:49,400
All there, All...
I knew I had to keep going up.
517
00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:51,560
I give one more pull
and sure enough...
518
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:53,280
LAUGHTER
519
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:56,560
Fucking juddered to the bottom
of that rope.
520
00:17:56,600 --> 00:17:58,960
Got to the...
HE WHIMPERS
521
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:00,960
Obviously, to my friends,
it looked like I'd just...
522
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:03,160
You know, my muscles had spasmed
or something like that.
523
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:05,040
Got to the bottom. They're like,
"Oh, don't worry about it, Jon."
524
00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:07,080
I was like, "Ha, I'm not worried."
525
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:08,360
LAUGHTER
526
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:09,440
"I'm not worried."
527
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:11,480
"What is the play
this Christmas, miss?"
528
00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:12,680
"Jack And The Beanstalk?"
529
00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:14,360
"Stick me down for Jack."
530
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:15,960
LAUGHTER
531
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:20,520
"I will need to stay behind after
school and practise on the ropes."
532
00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:22,000
"Fee-fi-fo-fum,
533
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:23,840
"Fucking hell, I'm going to come."
534
00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:26,560
LAUGHTER
535
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,240
It was a very special feeling,
very special.
536
00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:34,040
And I'm sure I brought
back some special memories
537
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:35,240
for you there at the back.
538
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,000
And for all the rest of you who are
in this club,
539
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:39,120
I'm delighted to tell you,
you're innocent.
540
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:40,640
There are no charges to be brought.
541
00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:42,320
It's an innocent, muscular response.
542
00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:44,080
We don't talk, you see.
543
00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:46,400
So if you are in the group,
please be relieved.
544
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:47,680
What I would say is,
545
00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:49,560
I don't need to hear from you
after the gig, OK?
546
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:50,880
LAUGHTER
547
00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:52,320
Sometimes people get a bit excited.
548
00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:53,680
They message me like,
549
00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:55,800
"Do you want to meet at
Go Ape next Thursday?"
550
00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:58,440
LAUGHTER
551
00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:00,840
You carry your shame
and I'll carry mine.
552
00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:03,280
I did... I was ashamed, I got
to the bottom and I knew...
553
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:04,520
I didn't tell my friends.
554
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,280
I'm like, "That's a bit of all
right."
555
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:08,520
I was like, "Oh, I'm a
dirty little rope perv."
556
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:10,160
I thought there was something wrong
with me.
557
00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:11,600
I got home, I didn't tell my family.
558
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:13,120
When my mum said, "How was school?"
559
00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:14,640
I didn't say, "Yeah,
full marks in spelling
560
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:16,520
"and I jizzed up in PE, so not bad."
LAUGHTER
561
00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:18,520
Skipped up the stairs,
slammed my bedroom door shut.
562
00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:20,560
I probably didn't talk to
anyone for about a week.
563
00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:23,000
I didn't tell anyone.
It was my little secret.
564
00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:24,480
What I did do, I found out
565
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:27,760
I can recreate that feeling
on the banister.
566
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,320
LAUGHTER
567
00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:32,760
1,999 of you back in the room
all of a sudden!
568
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:33,920
LAUGHTER
569
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:35,120
"How, Jon? Do tell."
570
00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:37,480
I'm going to tell you. Don't worry.
I'm going to tell you.
571
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:39,400
And I know you're not
all going to try this,
572
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:41,120
but even if one of you does,
that's enough for me.
573
00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:42,280
LAUGHTER
574
00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:43,720
What you do, you need that
little bit at the bottom.
575
00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:45,960
You know, when you walk in, the bit
at the bottom you hang your coat on.
576
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,360
That's the bit you need. Don't hang
your coat on it. What a waste.
577
00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:51,080
It's like using a sex swing
as a clothes horse.
578
00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:53,400
Put your coat on the back of the
sofa, whatever you need to do,
579
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:54,520
the little newel post bit.
580
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:57,320
You want to hook your arms behind
that and just dangle off it,
581
00:19:57,360 --> 00:19:59,000
and then lift ever so gently.
582
00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:00,480
JON MOANS
583
00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:01,920
LAUGHTER
584
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:03,440
You either will or you won't.
You will or you won't.
585
00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:05,840
You'll know straight away. I did,
and I hung there for six years.
586
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:07,560
LAUGHTER
587
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,480
That's how I spent my teenage years.
588
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:11,760
All my friends went out,
they developed personalities.
589
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:15,000
They tried sex and drugs and all
that. Not for me. I stayed in.
590
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:17,200
I hung off that banister
like a barnacle.
591
00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:18,480
I'll tell you that now.
592
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:20,680
You couldn't have got me off
with a crowbar and a jet wash.
593
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,680
That was my special spot.
594
00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:24,080
All I achieved in those years,
595
00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:25,600
core muscles of steel.
596
00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:26,640
These muscles here...
597
00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:29,400
Can't see them now. They're lagged
and insulated for the winter months,
598
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:30,680
but they're under there.
599
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:32,600
If I need to climb, I can do.
600
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:34,280
I've never needed
to climb in my life
601
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,360
until I got to the bottom
of this ship's mast
602
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:39,520
which, unbeknown to me, was to prove
no problem whatsoever.
603
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:40,920
That whistle went off,
604
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:44,000
I went up that like
a rat up a drainpipe.
605
00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:46,560
I will never forget the feeling
of going from terrified
606
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:48,840
to being stood on top of that,
looking down
607
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:50,120
and seeing a sporting idol of mine.
608
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:51,960
Jamie Redknapp,
former England international.
609
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:53,400
He weren't even halfway up.
610
00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:56,600
He looked up at me, went,
"Crikey, Jon, that was fast."
611
00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:59,920
"All I could do not to spunk
all over it, to be honest. Yep."
612
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:02,520
LAUGHTER
613
00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:07,160
Now, I've put a little break in
there...
614
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:09,880
..cos I'm very aware
that's the sort of routine
615
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,880
you probably want to talk
about amongst yourselves.
616
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:13,080
LAUGHTER
617
00:21:13,120 --> 00:21:15,160
Pointless me carrying on
so I've put a little break.
618
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:16,480
You can go away and
have a little chat.
619
00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:18,800
If you're sat next to someone who
laughed very early,
620
00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:20,640
it probably is time for that chat
about how many times
621
00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:23,800
you've repainted the staircase
at home since you moved in.
622
00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:25,960
If you've never heard
of it, google it.
623
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:27,240
As I say, it's called a coregasm.
624
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:28,680
That's what you want to google -
"coregasm".
625
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:29,880
Don't google "Roger Bannister" -
626
00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:31,360
you won't get what
you're looking for there.
627
00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:33,120
That's...
LAUGHTER
628
00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,040
That's another tragic tale.
But go and have a break.
629
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:36,800
I'll see you shortly. See you soon.
630
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:39,080
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
631
00:21:39,120 --> 00:21:40,360
JAUNTY MUSIC
632
00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:48,680
ENGINE REVS
633
00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:52,280
LAUGHTER, CHEERING
634
00:21:57,120 --> 00:21:59,480
WHISTLING
635
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:03,280
CHEERING
636
00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:09,920
Settle down, virgins.
637
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:12,440
LAUGHTER
638
00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:13,880
JON CHUCKLES
639
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:16,360
Never seen a guy on a sweet ride?
640
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:17,480
LAUGHTER
641
00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:20,240
Second half very much
like the first half.
642
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:22,600
I just strut more.
643
00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:24,320
Absolute swagger on me.
644
00:22:24,360 --> 00:22:25,680
It's unbelievable, isn't it?
645
00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:26,920
It's all fake as well.
646
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:28,440
Imagine if this was real.
647
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:30,880
Imagine if that was a real motorbike
and this wasn't vegan leather.
648
00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:32,840
LAUGHTER
649
00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:34,680
Absolute... I feel sorry for my wife
650
00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:36,720
because I feel
like she would be happier
651
00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:38,320
married to this version of me.
652
00:22:38,360 --> 00:22:40,200
I feel like this guy says stuff
like,
653
00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:42,640
"Don't sweat it, baby,
it don't matter."
654
00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:45,960
LAUGHTER
655
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:48,360
The real Jon Richardson does not
say that.
656
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,600
The real Jon Richardson wakes up
657
00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:53,680
looking for shit to
get annoyed about.
658
00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:56,120
And, in that regard,
has married a very generous lady.
659
00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:57,800
LAUGHTER
660
00:22:57,840 --> 00:22:59,240
She's a real giver.
661
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:01,720
LAUGHTER
662
00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:03,160
We have all our arguments in the
morning,
663
00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:05,440
and when I say, "We argue in the
morning,"
664
00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:07,840
I don't mean like most people do.
Not like a, "Oh, what are you like?"
665
00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:11,240
I mean a proper kebab house
2am screaming ding-dong!
666
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:12,960
An absolute... "I can't do..."
667
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:15,080
We had a proper, like a
marriage-ending,
668
00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:16,640
our biggest ever argument
669
00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:19,440
about quarter to eight in
the morning about a banana.
670
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:20,520
LAUGHTER
671
00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:22,560
I'm going to tell you what happens,
but I get quite worked up
672
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:25,120
so I'll take the leather jacket
off so I don't sweat to death.
673
00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:26,800
WHOOPING
Yeah. You're welcome.
674
00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:28,080
WHOOPING
675
00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:29,800
This...
676
00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:31,800
You can see the tattoos as well.
677
00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:34,560
LAUGHTER
678
00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:35,920
Got myself inked.
679
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:37,440
Course I did. Yeah.
680
00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:39,240
Didn't even hurt.
681
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:40,760
Just pulled them on.
682
00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:43,360
LAUGHTER
683
00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:47,720
I got up with our daughter
that morning.
684
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:49,560
Right, now, I do most of the
mornings with our daughter.
685
00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:51,640
That's not cos I'm a good
husband or a good father.
686
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:53,960
I do it to be 1-0
up in the marriage.
687
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:56,280
I like her to owe me something
as early as possible
688
00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:57,520
so our daughter wakes up, I say,
689
00:23:57,560 --> 00:23:59,600
"No, no, you have a lie-in.
I'll go down with her."
690
00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:02,160
I go downstairs. "Chance would
be a fine thing for daddy."
691
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:04,400
I'm a prick, I know I am.
692
00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:05,600
Make us some porridge.
693
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:06,960
Open the fridge, dodge the tofu.
694
00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:09,320
I've learned.
LAUGHTER
695
00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:11,320
A bit of cinnamon in there.
A bit of honey. Chopped banana.
696
00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:13,320
She's happy as Larry.
Lucy comes downstairs.
697
00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:15,280
I'm not going to lie, it's
probably about 20 minutes later.
698
00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:18,400
Nevertheless, I give it a big,
"Ooh, good afternoon!"
699
00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:20,040
LAUGHTER
700
00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:23,160
Absolute wanker, aren't I?
701
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:24,760
Totally.
702
00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:26,560
Straight on her.
Then we decide to go out, right?
703
00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:28,720
And that's my advice. If you've
got young kids, just go out.
704
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:30,480
Don't stay in. You'll end up
shouting at each other.
705
00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:32,440
Then you'll get all angry.
Just be outside.
706
00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:34,080
Problem is, you've then got
to get your kids dressed.
707
00:24:34,120 --> 00:24:35,320
Kids don't want to get dressed.
708
00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:37,400
So, this morning,
this is what Lucy said.
709
00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:38,560
This is cracking parenting.
710
00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:40,720
She said, "If you get dressed
quickly, you can have a banana."
711
00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:42,560
Right? Now, a banana's fruit
but kids don't know that
712
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:44,200
cos it's big and cartoony and
yellow.
713
00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:46,080
You get to open it like a toy
and it's mushy and sweet.
714
00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:47,760
So I said, "That's
absolutely fantastic.
715
00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:49,880
"Just to let you know, though, she's
already had a banana this morning.
716
00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:50,960
"She doesn't need another one."
717
00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:53,840
Lucy said,
"Doesn't really matter, does it?"
718
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:56,160
JON CHUCKLES
719
00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:58,320
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
you could say that.
720
00:24:58,360 --> 00:24:59,920
Of course you could.
Of course you could say that.
721
00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:01,160
You could say,
"It doesn't really matter."
722
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:02,760
Or you could say, "I actually
think it does matter.
723
00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:04,200
"That's why I said what
I said in the first place.
724
00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:05,480
"Because if I didn't think it
mattered,
725
00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:07,040
"I wouldn't have fucking said
anything, would I?
726
00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:08,960
"Because that would be a
waste of everybody's time.
727
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:10,440
"So I want you to know she's already
had one banana
728
00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:12,000
"because she's not
going to eat two."
729
00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:13,600
She was four years
old at this point.
730
00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:15,400
She's not having two
bananas for breakfast
731
00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:17,880
because, to my knowledge, she's not
training for a fucking Ironman.
732
00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:18,920
LAUGHTER
733
00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:21,400
She's not having six roast
chickens for breakfast either.
734
00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:23,920
She's going to peel the second
banana, she's going to play with it.
735
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:26,040
Then she's going to decide she don't
want it, it's going in the bin.
736
00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:27,120
That's a waste of a banana.
737
00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:28,600
You could say,
"Well, it's only a banana."
738
00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:30,080
It's not one banana though, is it?
739
00:25:30,120 --> 00:25:31,640
It's a behaviour which I endorse.
740
00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:33,440
That means everyone in
the country could do it
741
00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:34,640
and I can't say anything.
742
00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:37,080
So, really, we're talking about 70
million bananas a day instead.
743
00:25:37,120 --> 00:25:38,680
LAUGHTER
744
00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:40,240
And then you could say, "Well,
they're only bananas,"
745
00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:41,840
but it's not the banana, is it?
746
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:44,480
It's the process of becoming
a banana in our houses.
747
00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:45,760
That's what's at stake.
748
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:47,920
That starts in a hot country
on the other side of the planet,
749
00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:49,160
doesn't it, where water is scarce,
750
00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:51,280
but it doesn't go to the people
in nature that need it.
751
00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:53,520
It goes to the bananas
for the people of London.
752
00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:55,240
Ooh!
753
00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:57,240
And I want you to know, I say,
"London" up and down the country.
754
00:25:57,280 --> 00:25:58,280
I don't change it where I am,
755
00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:01,280
just really trying to drive
a vendetta against London.
756
00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:02,560
LAUGHTER
757
00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:03,920
Usually it's fine.
758
00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:06,280
Newcastle, for some reason,
absolutely went mad for it.
759
00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:09,040
GEORDIE ACCENT: "Those
banana-wasting pieces of shit!"
760
00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:11,920
LAUGHTER
761
00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:16,120
Anyway, the water
goes to the bananas.
762
00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:17,240
The bumblebees come in.
763
00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:18,640
"Bzz. May I have a banana?"
764
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:20,240
"Pew. Pew. Pesticides.
Fucking die, die, die!"
765
00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:22,880
All the bees die. The nature dies.
The water dies. The people die.
766
00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:25,040
The soil dies. It doesn't want
to be bananas all the time.
767
00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:27,080
The bananas thrive.
We cut them down.
768
00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:29,080
We drive them to the point on the
island where they get packed
769
00:26:29,120 --> 00:26:31,640
in those big wooden crates and
then wrapped in that clingfilm stuff
770
00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:34,840
that lunatics continue to wrap
their suitcases in at the airport.
771
00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:36,320
LAUGHTER
772
00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:37,480
Nobody says anything, do they?
773
00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:39,080
"I don't think anyone wants
your underpants, Brian.
774
00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:40,840
"Do you want to get on the plane
for us? There's a lad."
775
00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:42,400
LAUGHTER
776
00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:44,560
"Just try to make flying a bit
more damaging for the planet
777
00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:46,600
"so I'll wrap my suitcases
and my family in clingfilm.
778
00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:48,600
"Thank you very much indeed."
779
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:49,680
LAUGHTER
780
00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:51,160
Clingfilm. Push them onto the boat.
781
00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:52,680
The boat travels
right across the planet.
782
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:53,840
Diesel fumes up in the air.
783
00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:55,680
Acid rain comes down,
kills all the fish.
784
00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:58,400
The boat arrives. They push the
bananas off. Cut the clingfilm off,
785
00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:01,120
ball it up. That's single use.
You don't need that any more.
786
00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:03,400
You can boot it right up a dolphin's
vagina. That's finished with.
787
00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:05,000
LAUGHTER
788
00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:07,320
They put them all down -
789
00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:08,960
Aldi, Lidl, Tesco, Morrisons.
790
00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:10,120
Where are they going?
791
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:12,000
They're all going to London.
Don't you worry about that.
792
00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:14,640
There isn't a banana shop. They put
these things fucking everywhere.
793
00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:16,520
Then we drive in our cars to the
shop to buy the bananas,
794
00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:19,040
now wrapped in a plastic bag
for the most perilous last stage
795
00:27:19,080 --> 00:27:21,080
of their journey, back to our house
where we open the plastic bag,
796
00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:23,160
put that in the bin, peel a
banana, realise it's bruised,
797
00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:25,560
"Fuck that." In the bin as well.
LAUGHTER
798
00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:27,560
Absolute waste of time,
the whole endeavour.
799
00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:30,320
That is what's at stake when she
said to me that morning,
800
00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:31,720
"It doesn't really matter, does it?"
801
00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:34,120
Right? Now, the problem is,
at that point,
802
00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:36,040
I hadn't rehearsed all that.
803
00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:37,560
LAUGHTER
804
00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:40,440
That's taken me months to get
how I want it, all in sequence.
805
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:42,480
I knew if I tried to do that
off-the-cuff that morning,
806
00:27:42,520 --> 00:27:44,360
I was going to get it wrong
and lose the argument.
807
00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:45,840
She goes, "It doesn't really matter,
does it?"
808
00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:48,080
I go,
"What about the dolphins' vaginas?"
809
00:27:48,120 --> 00:27:50,320
LAUGHTER
810
00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:52,760
Yeah. Sometimes you've got to take
a step back, haven't you?
811
00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:55,640
Just calm down. Get your ducks all
in a row. So I just kept quiet.
812
00:27:55,680 --> 00:27:57,280
I didn't say anything. I was like,
"It doesn't matter.
813
00:27:57,320 --> 00:27:58,840
"Do what you like."
814
00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:00,800
So anyway, daughter gets dressed,
we get in the car, we set off,
815
00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:02,640
she passes her a banana.
Carry on driving.
816
00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:04,280
We're not even off our street yet.
817
00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:06,240
Little hand comes
through from the back
818
00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:08,280
holding this mushed-up, yellow
mess...
819
00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:12,040
..and I was absolutely fuming,
820
00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:14,800
but secretly delighted
because you've eaten it.
821
00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:16,480
That would have fucked me right up.
822
00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:18,360
LAUGHTER
823
00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:20,480
I just staring at it, like that.
I didn't know what to do.
824
00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:21,720
I was overcome with emotion.
825
00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:23,400
Luckily, Lucy wasn't fazed at all.
826
00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:26,000
She just took it out of her hand
and popped it in the car door.
827
00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:28,440
Because that is where
we keep rotten fruit.
828
00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:30,360
LAUGHTER
829
00:28:35,120 --> 00:28:37,880
And I'm not ready to talk
about that just yet.
830
00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:42,200
That'll be in the next tour
when I've calmed down.
831
00:28:42,240 --> 00:28:43,680
Cos it's actually still there now.
832
00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:46,720
And I'll tell you what, I'll buy a
new fucking car before I move it.
833
00:28:46,760 --> 00:28:47,960
I'll tell you that.
834
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:49,480
LAUGHTER
835
00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:51,720
Anyway,
now I'm absolutely just vibrating.
836
00:28:51,760 --> 00:28:52,760
HE GROWLS
837
00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:54,920
I thought, "Just calm down.
Just don't speak. Get it right.
838
00:28:54,960 --> 00:28:57,360
"Don't speak. Don't speak until
you're ready to win the argument."
839
00:28:57,400 --> 00:28:59,960
I didn't speak for a week.
840
00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:01,160
LAUGHTER
841
00:29:01,200 --> 00:29:03,240
A week silent. Obviously,
now she knows something's wrong.
842
00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:04,600
A week in, she's livid.
843
00:29:04,640 --> 00:29:06,800
She's saying, "Will you tell me
what the fuck is wrong with you?!"
844
00:29:06,840 --> 00:29:10,160
I realised, a week in,
"I can't say 'a banana' now."
845
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:14,080
I can't sulk for a week
and then say,
846
00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:17,000
"I told you she didn't need
another banana."
847
00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:19,440
I've gone far too far, haven't I?
I've lost here.
848
00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:21,840
I knew I was going to have to lie,
make something bigger up
849
00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:23,400
so I told her I'd had an affair.
850
00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:26,200
LAUGHTER
851
00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:29,720
I'd love to tell you, more for my
confidence than anything else,
852
00:29:29,760 --> 00:29:31,720
that you should believe
that for a second.
853
00:29:31,760 --> 00:29:32,880
LAUGHTER
854
00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:35,200
Not a flicker of possibility, she
said, "No, you haven't.
855
00:29:35,240 --> 00:29:37,160
"No-one else is touching that mess.
What's happened?"
856
00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:38,400
LAUGHTER
857
00:29:38,440 --> 00:29:40,040
And I had to recite the whole thing.
858
00:29:40,080 --> 00:29:41,520
"The bumblebees, the soil,"
859
00:29:41,560 --> 00:29:44,000
She said, "Oh, you're a psychopath.
I can't be married to you any more."
860
00:29:44,040 --> 00:29:45,040
And she's absolutely right.
861
00:29:45,080 --> 00:29:46,440
I'm not... I'm not defending myself.
862
00:29:46,480 --> 00:29:47,560
I went far, too far on that one.
863
00:29:47,600 --> 00:29:49,920
Food waste, for some reason,
I lose my mind over.
864
00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:52,200
I can't handle food waste to the
point where I don't even call
865
00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:53,520
myself a vegan any more.
866
00:29:53,560 --> 00:29:55,480
I can't cos sometimes
I eat non-vegan stuff.
867
00:29:55,520 --> 00:29:58,000
And I do that because people
in my house buy non-vegan stuff
868
00:29:58,040 --> 00:29:59,600
then decide they don't want it.
869
00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:02,080
And I have to decide, as a vegan,
but a practical human being,
870
00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:03,360
what's the best thing to do there?
871
00:30:03,400 --> 00:30:05,080
Do I put that perfectly
good meal in the bin
872
00:30:05,120 --> 00:30:06,760
and then cook
myself something vegan?
873
00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:08,640
But really, I've just
doubled the carbon footprint
874
00:30:08,680 --> 00:30:10,040
of that whole experience?
875
00:30:10,080 --> 00:30:12,480
Or do I eat the meal that I
don't approve of, morally,
876
00:30:12,520 --> 00:30:13,720
and thus save the carbon?
877
00:30:13,760 --> 00:30:17,120
It's a nightmare! Sometimes I put
it in the bin and I hate myself.
878
00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:18,440
Sometimes I eat it,
879
00:30:18,480 --> 00:30:20,840
I hate myself even more.
LAUGHTER
880
00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:22,040
Sometimes I eat it
881
00:30:22,080 --> 00:30:23,160
and I fucking love it.
882
00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:26,000
LAUGHTER
883
00:30:26,040 --> 00:30:29,720
Cheeky little guilt-free fish
finger over by the bin.
884
00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:31,440
JON CHUCKLES
885
00:30:31,480 --> 00:30:33,040
That disgusting cold one.
886
00:30:33,080 --> 00:30:34,360
It's been out all day.
887
00:30:34,400 --> 00:30:36,360
You wouldn't touch it
with a shitty stick.
888
00:30:36,400 --> 00:30:39,240
Still wet underneath
from pea water run-off.
889
00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:41,000
LAUGHTER
890
00:30:41,040 --> 00:30:43,040
Licked at the end to
get the ketchup off.
891
00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:44,080
HE SCREECHES
892
00:30:44,120 --> 00:30:46,520
"Don't blame me. Blame Captain
Birdseye. I didn't catch it."
893
00:30:46,560 --> 00:30:48,560
JAUNTY MUSIC
894
00:30:51,760 --> 00:30:53,680
JAUNTY MUSIC
895
00:30:53,720 --> 00:30:55,000
It's hard, the veganism thing.
896
00:30:55,040 --> 00:30:56,320
The veganism thing is the worst.
897
00:30:56,360 --> 00:30:58,480
Of all the things I try and do
to be a good person,
898
00:30:58,520 --> 00:31:00,600
the veganism thing, because
you do it for the planet,
899
00:31:00,640 --> 00:31:02,200
but actually other people...
900
00:31:02,240 --> 00:31:03,560
Not only are you not grateful,
901
00:31:03,600 --> 00:31:05,440
you fucking hate me
for it, don't you?
902
00:31:05,480 --> 00:31:06,640
I know you do.
903
00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:08,960
I can hear you tutting behind me
in Costa when I say, "Oat milk."
904
00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:10,240
I can hear you.
905
00:31:10,280 --> 00:31:12,600
"Oh, now he's got to do another
little silver jug,
906
00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:15,120
"you piece of shit."
LAUGHTER
907
00:31:15,160 --> 00:31:16,720
Sometimes I think,
"What is the point?"
908
00:31:16,760 --> 00:31:18,120
I think, "What is the point?"
909
00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:19,960
And then I think,
"Oh, the point should be points.
910
00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:21,760
"You should get more points
for being a vegan."
911
00:31:21,800 --> 00:31:23,120
We could easily have an app
on our phones.
912
00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:24,280
We carry them everywhere.
913
00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:26,840
So you get every ethical purchase
you make, that's more points.
914
00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:28,920
If you hold doors for people,
that's points.
915
00:31:28,960 --> 00:31:30,440
Every time you indicate... The phone
can hear
916
00:31:30,480 --> 00:31:32,320
the little "tick tock, tick tock."
That's one point.
917
00:31:32,360 --> 00:31:34,120
Every time you indicate.
More people will do it.
918
00:31:34,160 --> 00:31:35,160
You're in the supermarket.
919
00:31:35,200 --> 00:31:36,400
You're looking in the
freezer like that.
920
00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:38,560
You've left your trolley
horizontally across the aisle,
921
00:31:38,600 --> 00:31:40,480
ten points off. You're a dickhead.
922
00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:41,760
We don't need you.
LAUGHTER
923
00:31:41,800 --> 00:31:43,880
Incentivise good behaviour.
924
00:31:43,920 --> 00:31:45,480
You know, it's a
fairly lengthy thing.
925
00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:47,560
I can send you a word document
if you're willing to read it.
926
00:31:47,600 --> 00:31:49,520
LAUGHTER
927
00:31:49,560 --> 00:31:51,600
The simpler version is you just
split society down the middle
928
00:31:51,640 --> 00:31:52,680
into goodies and baddies.
929
00:31:52,720 --> 00:31:54,440
And that's an
unpopular thing to say now.
930
00:31:54,480 --> 00:31:56,400
We're supposed to celebrate,
you know, all the different,
931
00:31:56,440 --> 00:31:57,640
you know, things.
932
00:31:57,680 --> 00:31:59,000
But I think, actually, you can say
933
00:31:59,040 --> 00:32:00,280
there are two types of people
in the world.
934
00:32:00,320 --> 00:32:01,880
You've got the sort of people
who get up in the morning,
935
00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:03,520
they have a bowl of
Weetabix before work.
936
00:32:03,560 --> 00:32:05,360
They enjoy that Weetabix,
of course they do.
937
00:32:05,400 --> 00:32:07,200
And then they pop it
straight in to soak.
938
00:32:07,240 --> 00:32:09,600
And then over here,
you've got cunts.
939
00:32:09,640 --> 00:32:11,600
LAUGHTER
940
00:32:11,640 --> 00:32:14,080
CHEERING
941
00:32:21,000 --> 00:32:23,040
JON CHUCKLES
942
00:32:23,080 --> 00:32:25,400
You didn't like it, did you?
Everyone else is clapping.
943
00:32:25,440 --> 00:32:26,800
You didn't like it.
944
00:32:26,840 --> 00:32:27,920
Ooh. I'm sorry.
945
00:32:27,960 --> 00:32:29,440
You didn't realise you were coming
to see
946
00:32:29,480 --> 00:32:31,320
the bad boy of British comedy,
I realised that.
947
00:32:31,360 --> 00:32:32,480
LAUGHTER
948
00:32:32,520 --> 00:32:34,520
You thought, "Little Jon
Richardson, the cardigan man."
949
00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:36,360
Suddenly it's tattoos, C-bombs.
950
00:32:36,400 --> 00:32:37,960
Strap in.
LAUGHTER
951
00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:39,760
Perhaps you're here because you
couldn't get tickets
952
00:32:39,800 --> 00:32:41,120
for Frankie Boyle.
953
00:32:41,160 --> 00:32:42,760
I think you'll find me
a more than adequate replacement.
954
00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:44,000
LAUGHTER
955
00:32:44,040 --> 00:32:46,120
I don't know what topics the other
comedians are dealing with,
956
00:32:46,160 --> 00:32:47,800
I'll guarantee none of them have got
the cojones
957
00:32:47,840 --> 00:32:49,760
to tackle Weetabix bowls soaking.
958
00:32:49,800 --> 00:32:50,960
LAUGHTER
959
00:32:51,000 --> 00:32:53,040
I guess that falls to me, guys,
don't worry.
960
00:32:53,080 --> 00:32:54,360
And that goes not just for Weetabix,
961
00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:55,640
but all wheat and oat-based
cereals.
962
00:32:55,680 --> 00:32:57,520
Your Weetabix, your Shredded Wheat,
your porridge.
963
00:32:57,560 --> 00:32:58,960
Pop it in and soak,
964
00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:00,960
or would you like me to
chisel the fucking dishes clean?
965
00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:03,400
LAUGHTER
966
00:33:03,440 --> 00:33:07,040
My wife is the reason that my
daughter has friends and playdates.
967
00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:09,360
My wife is the reason that our
neighbours know when we go away
968
00:33:09,400 --> 00:33:10,720
and they put our bins in for us.
969
00:33:10,760 --> 00:33:12,000
All that stuff I don't do.
970
00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:14,600
I'm the wizened little old crone
who doesn't talk to anyone.
971
00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:16,000
She absolutely blows my mind,
972
00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:18,120
and having her, for me,
is wonderful.
973
00:33:18,160 --> 00:33:20,560
I think we're good now at talking
about chatting about mental health,
974
00:33:20,600 --> 00:33:22,120
your physical health as well.
975
00:33:22,160 --> 00:33:24,200
You need people around you
to spot things in your body
976
00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:26,160
because, otherwise, things
get worse for no reason.
977
00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:28,360
I'm the little old man
you read about on the news.
978
00:33:28,400 --> 00:33:30,000
You know, he'll say, "Well,
something was hurting.
979
00:33:30,040 --> 00:33:31,320
"I thought, 'It'll get
better or worse.'
980
00:33:31,360 --> 00:33:32,960
"Anyway, it got worse
and now I'm dead." That's me.
981
00:33:33,000 --> 00:33:34,680
LAUGHTER
982
00:33:34,720 --> 00:33:36,600
I'm that piece of shit.
I don't talk to anyone.
983
00:33:36,640 --> 00:33:38,360
And I know this cos I had a minor
incident a few years ago.
984
00:33:38,400 --> 00:33:41,400
Very minor, but it got worse cos
I didn't talk to anyone about it,
985
00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:42,680
because I was embarrassed,
986
00:33:42,720 --> 00:33:44,280
and I was embarrassed because it
was...
987
00:33:44,320 --> 00:33:45,680
AMERICAN ACCENT: "..up my
poop-hole".
988
00:33:45,720 --> 00:33:46,760
LAUGHTER
989
00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:48,320
Which is funny in an
American accent, isn't it?
990
00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:50,160
Somehow, you laugh, but you
wouldn't have laughed if I told you
991
00:33:50,200 --> 00:33:51,480
I had an itchy anus, would you?
992
00:33:51,520 --> 00:33:52,800
It's not as funny, but somehow...
993
00:33:52,840 --> 00:33:55,240
AMERICAN ACCENT: "A little bit of
trouble up grandpa's old shit mine."
994
00:33:55,280 --> 00:33:56,520
LAUGHING
995
00:33:56,560 --> 00:33:58,360
It was itching of
a night-time, that's all it was.
996
00:33:58,400 --> 00:33:59,480
A little bit itchy of a night-time,
997
00:33:59,520 --> 00:34:01,760
so obviously I didn't know it was
happening because I'm asleep.
998
00:34:01,800 --> 00:34:05,320
I was going to bed fine and waking
up like, "What has happened there?"
999
00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:06,920
I was googling, "Is there a crime
1000
00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:08,760
"where people
break into your house..."
1001
00:34:08,800 --> 00:34:10,040
LAUGHTER
1002
00:34:10,080 --> 00:34:12,640
"..they don't steal anything, they
just put a snooker cue up your arse
1003
00:34:12,680 --> 00:34:14,360
"and then they leave again?"
1004
00:34:14,400 --> 00:34:16,000
So I did go to a doctor.
1005
00:34:16,040 --> 00:34:18,720
It was a big thing for me to go
to a doctor for something like that.
1006
00:34:18,760 --> 00:34:21,280
And I'm not going to lie, what
I wanted was a very old doctor.
1007
00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:22,800
You know, you get those ones in
their 90s,
1008
00:34:22,840 --> 00:34:24,120
they've still got a role to play.
1009
00:34:24,160 --> 00:34:25,680
Doctor Legg from EastEnders.
1010
00:34:25,720 --> 00:34:27,600
That sort of looking...
Hairy-cheeked.
1011
00:34:27,640 --> 00:34:30,760
I wanted a doctor for whom there is
not a body part I can show them
1012
00:34:30,800 --> 00:34:34,240
that they haven't seen a more
mangled, unpleasant version of.
1013
00:34:34,280 --> 00:34:35,920
70 years in the game.
1014
00:34:35,960 --> 00:34:38,320
They've seen the worst nipples
and penises, and...
1015
00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:40,600
I didn't want one of these new
doctors who's read about it,
1016
00:34:40,640 --> 00:34:43,320
but they've never prodded
one for real with a spatula.
1017
00:34:43,360 --> 00:34:45,880
You don't want someone that
excited to see your ring-piece.
1018
00:34:45,920 --> 00:34:47,200
Absolutely not.
1019
00:34:47,240 --> 00:34:48,400
I wanted one of these ones.
1020
00:34:48,440 --> 00:34:50,440
These ones are good for
mental health, by the way.
1021
00:34:50,480 --> 00:34:52,440
Don't be going for these
for mental health.
1022
00:34:52,480 --> 00:34:54,080
It wasn't even a fucking module
when they qualified.
1023
00:34:54,120 --> 00:34:55,480
LAUGHTER
1024
00:34:55,520 --> 00:34:57,360
Absolute waste of your
time talking to them.
1025
00:34:57,400 --> 00:35:00,360
"Yeah, I'm just tired a lot. I keep
crying, I've got no motivation."
1026
00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:02,400
They're like, "OK. Really? Yeah.
OK.
1027
00:35:02,440 --> 00:35:04,760
"Well, I've written
you a prescription here
1028
00:35:04,800 --> 00:35:06,800
"for pull your shit together
and fuck off."
1029
00:35:06,840 --> 00:35:08,600
LAUGHTER
1030
00:35:08,640 --> 00:35:10,600
You take that. No, that's yours.
You take that. Yeah.
1031
00:35:10,640 --> 00:35:12,040
Here's a shop you can
buy a mirror in,
1032
00:35:12,080 --> 00:35:13,400
and you might want to look in one of
those
1033
00:35:13,440 --> 00:35:15,480
next time you're going to tell
a GP you're tired. OK?
1034
00:35:15,520 --> 00:35:17,840
Go fuck yourself. Bye-bye now.
LAUGHTER
1035
00:35:17,880 --> 00:35:19,080
These will save your life.
1036
00:35:19,120 --> 00:35:20,600
These ones are good for bumholes,
right?
1037
00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:22,120
LAUGHTER
1038
00:35:22,160 --> 00:35:23,320
So, I didn't get that. I got this.
1039
00:35:23,360 --> 00:35:25,400
Very excited, the doctor, he said,
"Up on the bed, please."
1040
00:35:25,440 --> 00:35:27,960
That's when it occurred to me
he was going to look at my bumhole.
1041
00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:29,520
It had never occurred
to me he would look.
1042
00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:30,600
I thought, "I'll describe it.
1043
00:35:30,640 --> 00:35:32,160
"You'll tell me
what the problem is
1044
00:35:32,200 --> 00:35:34,760
"and tell me what I need to
swallow to deal with it."
1045
00:35:34,800 --> 00:35:36,400
I didn't know he was going
to look at my butt.
1046
00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:37,840
He looked inside me.
1047
00:35:37,880 --> 00:35:39,240
LAUGHTER
1048
00:35:39,280 --> 00:35:40,600
Never been looked inside before.
1049
00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:42,800
I've heard a lot of songs
about looking inside people
1050
00:35:42,840 --> 00:35:44,880
but it's a very different
matter in the flesh.
1051
00:35:44,920 --> 00:35:45,960
LAUGHTER
1052
00:35:46,000 --> 00:35:49,400
To my knowledge, Cyndi Lauper never
used the words, "Wider, please."
1053
00:35:49,440 --> 00:35:50,880
LAUGHTER
1054
00:35:50,920 --> 00:35:52,520
It's a much more graphic endeavour.
1055
00:35:52,560 --> 00:35:54,840
He looked up there, he said,
"I can't see anything.
1056
00:35:54,880 --> 00:35:56,080
"I think you've got worms."
1057
00:35:56,120 --> 00:35:57,200
SILENCE
1058
00:35:57,240 --> 00:35:58,520
And that was exactly my response.
1059
00:35:58,560 --> 00:35:59,640
Stunned silence,
1060
00:35:59,680 --> 00:36:02,120
a sort of muffled giggle
from another room.
1061
00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:04,920
I said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realise
you were also a vet."
1062
00:36:04,960 --> 00:36:06,840
LAUGHTER
1063
00:36:06,880 --> 00:36:08,800
"I can't have worms. I'm a
clean-living adult male."
1064
00:36:08,840 --> 00:36:10,520
He said, "Well, it's nothing
to do with clean.
1065
00:36:10,560 --> 00:36:12,880
"When you're resting, that's when
they come out to explore."
1066
00:36:12,920 --> 00:36:14,960
He didn't do that, obviously.
1067
00:36:15,000 --> 00:36:16,040
LAUGHTER
1068
00:36:16,080 --> 00:36:18,400
He wasn't much of a mime. Just...
1069
00:36:18,440 --> 00:36:20,280
AMERICAN ACCENT:
"Good morning, shit head."
1070
00:36:20,320 --> 00:36:22,680
He said, "That's when they come
out, while you're asleep."
1071
00:36:22,720 --> 00:36:24,600
And I said, "Well, what do I do
then? Blowtorch?
1072
00:36:24,640 --> 00:36:26,880
"Jump off the back of a cruise
liner? What do you...?"
1073
00:36:26,920 --> 00:36:29,000
And he wrote me out
a prescription for a pill,
1074
00:36:29,040 --> 00:36:30,600
which he wrote that prescription
out.
1075
00:36:30,640 --> 00:36:31,800
He might as well have just written,
1076
00:36:31,840 --> 00:36:34,920
"Guess who's got worms up his
shitter?" on a piece of paper.
1077
00:36:34,960 --> 00:36:37,560
I thought there might be one pill
that does five or six things,
1078
00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:39,600
of which one of them
is deal with worms.
1079
00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:40,800
It turns out there's a pill,
1080
00:36:40,840 --> 00:36:43,080
and its only job is to deal
with worms up the bumhole.
1081
00:36:43,120 --> 00:36:45,440
And I found that out when I took
that to the village pharmacy
1082
00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:47,520
in the local village I lived
in at the time,
1083
00:36:47,560 --> 00:36:49,720
I popped that piece of paper down on
the counter,
1084
00:36:49,760 --> 00:36:51,560
face down, to have a bit of decorum.
1085
00:36:51,600 --> 00:36:53,440
I slid it over to the pharmacist.
1086
00:36:53,480 --> 00:36:55,120
She picked it up. She went...
1087
00:36:55,160 --> 00:36:56,920
RETCHES
1088
00:36:56,960 --> 00:36:58,800
LAUGHTER
1089
00:37:00,680 --> 00:37:02,440
Shuffling away from you,
1090
00:37:02,480 --> 00:37:04,880
showering an anti-bac gel
as she's talking.
1091
00:37:04,920 --> 00:37:05,960
RETCHES
1092
00:37:06,000 --> 00:37:07,880
She said, "You
realise if you've got them,
1093
00:37:07,920 --> 00:37:09,720
"you've probably infected your
entire household.
1094
00:37:09,760 --> 00:37:12,280
"Would you like the family pack?"
1095
00:37:12,320 --> 00:37:14,760
And that's what they call it. "The
family pack of worming tablets."
1096
00:37:14,800 --> 00:37:16,960
Like your dog's. You're supposed
to say, "Do you know what?
1097
00:37:17,000 --> 00:37:19,320
"I'd love that." I was just
thinking, the only thing that could
1098
00:37:19,360 --> 00:37:21,880
make today any better is a
chat with my wife and child.
1099
00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:25,000
Yeah. Give me them now, I'll skip
home and do it straight away.
1100
00:37:25,040 --> 00:37:26,920
# La-la-la-la, la-la-la. #
1101
00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:29,480
"There you go. Daddy just needs you
to take that pill there, sweetheart.
1102
00:37:29,520 --> 00:37:30,960
"Well, what it is, Daddy's got
little worms
1103
00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:33,600
"that live up his bum-bum."
LAUGHTER
1104
00:37:33,640 --> 00:37:35,640
"Every night, they come out
scritchy, scratchy,
1105
00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:37,720
"scritchy, scratchy. Little eggs,
under his fingernails,
1106
00:37:37,760 --> 00:37:40,000
"right into your Coco Pops,
would you believe?"
1107
00:37:40,040 --> 00:37:42,840
LAUGHTER, GROANS
1108
00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:45,760
"It truly is a magnificent
world, isn't it? Yeah?"
1109
00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:47,600
"There's no need to cry.
Don't cry about it.
1110
00:37:47,640 --> 00:37:49,120
"No, no, no, no, don't get upset.
1111
00:37:49,160 --> 00:37:51,280
"She's crying. Will you bring us
some bananas to peel, please?
1112
00:37:51,320 --> 00:37:53,040
"Yeah."
LAUGHTER
1113
00:37:53,080 --> 00:37:54,280
"You peel. No, no, no, don't go
away.
1114
00:37:54,320 --> 00:37:55,800
"I need to talk to you as well.
Yeah."
1115
00:37:55,840 --> 00:37:57,240
LAUGHTER
1116
00:37:57,280 --> 00:37:58,280
It's awful. You take this pill
1117
00:37:58,320 --> 00:37:59,960
and, ideally, you want it to work
immediately.
1118
00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:01,800
Like the end of Wizard of Oz.
1119
00:38:01,840 --> 00:38:05,240
You want to pop that pill and hear
them sizzling, like, "I'm melting."
1120
00:38:05,280 --> 00:38:07,560
It takes a week.
You basically starve them out.
1121
00:38:07,600 --> 00:38:08,840
And while they're dying in there,
1122
00:38:08,880 --> 00:38:10,160
you can't put new ones in the top.
1123
00:38:10,200 --> 00:38:12,040
So that week, you have to be
meticulous, cleanliness,
1124
00:38:12,080 --> 00:38:14,200
by which you mean you boil wash
everybody's bed clothes,
1125
00:38:14,240 --> 00:38:16,120
everybody's bedding every morning.
1126
00:38:16,160 --> 00:38:19,640
If you go to the toilet, my advice,
burn your house down and rebuild.
1127
00:38:19,680 --> 00:38:21,200
LAUGHTER
1128
00:38:21,240 --> 00:38:23,240
Quicker, in the long run, than
dealing with the consequences.
1129
00:38:23,280 --> 00:38:24,800
It's an awful week if you've ever
had worms.
1130
00:38:24,840 --> 00:38:27,280
Teachers will know what I'm talking
about. They go all round schools.
1131
00:38:27,320 --> 00:38:30,440
It's an awful week. It's not the
best week, if you do all that,
1132
00:38:30,480 --> 00:38:33,240
only to find out you actually never
had worms to begin with.
1133
00:38:33,280 --> 00:38:34,520
LAUGHTER
1134
00:38:34,560 --> 00:38:36,720
That's what you call a classic
misdiagnosis, that is
1135
00:38:36,760 --> 00:38:38,040
because days eight, nine and ten -
1136
00:38:38,080 --> 00:38:39,920
just as itchy as one, two and three.
1137
00:38:39,960 --> 00:38:41,520
So off you go back to the doctors,
you say,
1138
00:38:41,560 --> 00:38:42,880
"I'd like a second opinion, please.
1139
00:38:42,920 --> 00:38:44,480
"I don't want to see him ever
again."
1140
00:38:44,520 --> 00:38:46,960
"I can hear you laughing in there,
you prick."
1141
00:38:47,000 --> 00:38:48,080
LAUGHTER
1142
00:38:48,120 --> 00:38:49,240
"Second opinion, please."
1143
00:38:49,280 --> 00:38:51,120
Another doctor comes out
and says, "OK, Mr Richardson,
1144
00:38:51,160 --> 00:38:52,680
"we're going to do a
digital examination."
1145
00:38:52,720 --> 00:38:55,160
And you think,
"Thank heavens for that. Computers!"
1146
00:38:55,200 --> 00:38:57,080
LAUGHTER
1147
00:38:57,120 --> 00:38:58,800
About time we got
Google on the case.
1148
00:38:58,840 --> 00:39:01,360
Be one of those little nano doctors,
I swallow it, it'll go around,
1149
00:39:01,400 --> 00:39:02,960
tell me what the problem is.
1150
00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:05,680
I didn't realise, in 2023, digital
can still mean
1151
00:39:05,720 --> 00:39:07,800
a finger right up the arsehole.
1152
00:39:07,840 --> 00:39:10,440
LAUGHTER
1153
00:39:10,480 --> 00:39:13,280
I will say this, I think a
competent GP should be able to tell
1154
00:39:13,320 --> 00:39:16,000
what's wrong with your bumhole
with that one.
1155
00:39:16,040 --> 00:39:18,520
LAUGHTER
1156
00:39:18,560 --> 00:39:20,840
That seems enough to me to get
to the heart of the matter.
1157
00:39:20,880 --> 00:39:22,080
Do you know what I mean?
1158
00:39:22,120 --> 00:39:23,880
You don't have to be in the middle
of the dance floor
1159
00:39:23,920 --> 00:39:25,360
to know you don't like
the music, do you?
1160
00:39:25,400 --> 00:39:27,000
You just have a little
peer in the door.
1161
00:39:27,040 --> 00:39:29,000
That should be enough to
get the vibe of the room.
1162
00:39:29,040 --> 00:39:30,880
All that one says is, "Well, I've
got to throw
1163
00:39:30,920 --> 00:39:32,160
"the whole glove out anyway."
1164
00:39:32,200 --> 00:39:34,520
"Whack!"
LAUGHTER
1165
00:39:34,560 --> 00:39:36,360
Right up there. He said, "Well, I
can't feel anything."
1166
00:39:36,400 --> 00:39:38,080
I was like, "Fucking hell, I can."
1167
00:39:38,120 --> 00:39:39,400
LAUGHTER
1168
00:39:39,440 --> 00:39:41,200
And then he was worried.
He said, "I can't feel anything.
1169
00:39:41,240 --> 00:39:42,600
"You're going to have to go
to hospital."
1170
00:39:42,640 --> 00:39:43,680
So he sent me for a camera
up the bum.
1171
00:39:43,720 --> 00:39:46,080
I got to my appointment a little bit
early, two or three weeks,
1172
00:39:46,120 --> 00:39:47,920
something like that.
LAUGHTER
1173
00:39:47,960 --> 00:39:49,520
Just wanted to find where
I needed to be
1174
00:39:49,560 --> 00:39:50,760
and not have to ask for directions.
1175
00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:53,040
I didn't want to ask... I don't like
asking for directions anyway.
1176
00:39:53,080 --> 00:39:54,360
I'm a very cliched man.
1177
00:39:54,400 --> 00:39:56,400
Certainly didn't want to ask
for directions to
1178
00:39:56,440 --> 00:39:58,200
the bumhole department
of a hospital.
1179
00:39:58,240 --> 00:39:59,680
Couldn't find the department.
1180
00:39:59,720 --> 00:40:01,640
Got to about five minutes
before my appointment.
1181
00:40:01,680 --> 00:40:03,360
I was like, "I'm going to miss it."
I had to go to reception.
1182
00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:05,800
I swear this is true. I went to the
reception of the hospital.
1183
00:40:05,840 --> 00:40:08,120
I said to the man there, "Excuse me,
could you tell me where the...?"
1184
00:40:08,160 --> 00:40:10,400
I didn't even get as far
as "bumhole department,"
1185
00:40:10,440 --> 00:40:12,720
I think I said "Colo-" something
like that.
1186
00:40:12,760 --> 00:40:14,080
I swear to God.
1187
00:40:14,120 --> 00:40:15,600
The man looked up at me and he went.
1188
00:40:15,640 --> 00:40:18,640
LAUGHS
1189
00:40:18,680 --> 00:40:21,560
"Oh, dear, what's Jimmy Carr going
to say about this then, eh?"
1190
00:40:21,600 --> 00:40:22,880
LAUGHTER
1191
00:40:22,920 --> 00:40:25,320
I couldn't believe it. At a hospital
reception.
1192
00:40:25,360 --> 00:40:27,720
I was like, "I'm probably not
going to tell him, mate, actually."
1193
00:40:27,760 --> 00:40:29,800
I'm probably going to go through
there and let them do
1194
00:40:29,840 --> 00:40:32,000
what they need to do and then move
on with my life as was,
1195
00:40:32,040 --> 00:40:34,160
to be honest. I mean, a quick email
getting you struck off,
1196
00:40:34,200 --> 00:40:35,600
but apart from that....
1197
00:40:35,640 --> 00:40:37,560
LAUGHTER
1198
00:40:37,600 --> 00:40:39,760
I said, "Can you just tell me
where I need to go?
1199
00:40:39,800 --> 00:40:42,120
He said, "Aye, it's down that
corridor, son.
1200
00:40:42,160 --> 00:40:43,920
"Follow the brown signs.
LAUGHTER AND GROANS
1201
00:40:43,960 --> 00:40:46,200
I swear this is true. If you're ever
in the West Yorkshire region,
1202
00:40:46,240 --> 00:40:49,000
and you need to find the Bumhole
Department of Calderdale Hospital,
1203
00:40:49,040 --> 00:40:51,680
you have to go out of the front
of the hospital, round the back
1204
00:40:51,720 --> 00:40:53,320
and in a different door.
1205
00:40:53,360 --> 00:40:55,600
LAUGHTER
1206
00:40:55,640 --> 00:40:58,200
They were having fun in the
hospital planning department
1207
00:40:58,240 --> 00:41:00,800
and fair play to them.
I got in there.
1208
00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:02,920
He was lubing up the camera.
He got it up my bum.
1209
00:41:02,960 --> 00:41:04,240
He said, "I'm going to stop there.
1210
00:41:04,280 --> 00:41:06,240
"I can see, straight away,
it's just a haemorrhoid."
1211
00:41:06,280 --> 00:41:08,240
And I thought, "Right, well, let's
go back and strike off
1212
00:41:08,280 --> 00:41:10,480
"Johnny Five Guys
as well, shall we?"
1213
00:41:10,520 --> 00:41:13,120
This thing you can see
almost with the naked eye,
1214
00:41:13,160 --> 00:41:15,080
he couldn't detect climbing
my inner walls
1215
00:41:15,120 --> 00:41:16,640
with crampons and a guide?!
1216
00:41:16,680 --> 00:41:18,120
LAUGHTER
1217
00:41:18,160 --> 00:41:19,960
And I tell you, all this
because a haemorrhoid is...
1218
00:41:20,000 --> 00:41:22,080
That's all it was. It turned out to
be the easiest thing to deal with
1219
00:41:22,120 --> 00:41:24,120
I've ever had. Whack a bit
of cream on it and it goes.
1220
00:41:24,160 --> 00:41:25,720
And I know that cos I spoke to a few
friends
1221
00:41:25,760 --> 00:41:26,760
who I was brave enough to say,
1222
00:41:26,800 --> 00:41:28,160
"Look, I had a haemorrhoid
recently."
1223
00:41:28,200 --> 00:41:29,960
Every one of them said, "I've had
one of them.
1224
00:41:30,000 --> 00:41:31,000
"Bloody awful, isn't it?"
1225
00:41:31,040 --> 00:41:33,320
Turns out everyone in this
room has a haemorrhoid
1226
00:41:33,360 --> 00:41:35,680
and you're not telling anyone.
I know that now.
1227
00:41:35,720 --> 00:41:38,600
If you're sat next to someone having
a bit of a wriggle in their chair,
1228
00:41:38,640 --> 00:41:41,520
like that, this is about the time
they're starting to wake up now,
1229
00:41:41,560 --> 00:41:42,960
just trying to get it itched.
1230
00:41:43,000 --> 00:41:45,040
There. I can see young people
looking at me,
1231
00:41:45,080 --> 00:41:47,640
"Not me, Jon."
Tick-tock, motherfuckers.
1232
00:41:47,680 --> 00:41:49,720
LAUGHTER
1233
00:41:49,760 --> 00:41:51,840
Yeah. The haemorrhoid
is coming for you.
1234
00:41:51,880 --> 00:41:53,120
I'll tell you that now.
1235
00:41:53,160 --> 00:41:54,920
Absolutely nothing you
can do about it.
1236
00:41:54,960 --> 00:41:56,360
But we don't talk about it.
1237
00:41:56,400 --> 00:42:00,040
And I think, "Well, if someone as
sexy as me can break that taboo."
1238
00:42:00,080 --> 00:42:02,560
"If a tattooed biker dude like me
could knock down the walls
1239
00:42:02,600 --> 00:42:05,080
"of haemorrhoid chat then I will
do." It's completely not your fault.
1240
00:42:05,120 --> 00:42:06,280
You can get them on the toilet.
1241
00:42:06,320 --> 00:42:07,600
They happen a lot during childbirth.
1242
00:42:07,640 --> 00:42:08,880
You can get them during exercise.
1243
00:42:08,920 --> 00:42:10,400
You can get one climbing a rope!
1244
00:42:10,440 --> 00:42:12,040
It's no-one's business
how you got it.
1245
00:42:12,080 --> 00:42:13,720
LAUGHTER
1246
00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:16,240
But it pops out, you pop a little
bit of cream on it, it'll disappear.
1247
00:42:16,280 --> 00:42:17,360
If your one's like mine,
1248
00:42:17,400 --> 00:42:18,480
it's called an internal one.
1249
00:42:18,520 --> 00:42:20,040
It's a bit shy. It's just up there.
1250
00:42:20,080 --> 00:42:22,120
You buy a little rocket-shaped pills
and you whack one of them up
1251
00:42:22,160 --> 00:42:23,680
before you go to bed.
1252
00:42:23,720 --> 00:42:24,920
That isn't fun.
1253
00:42:24,960 --> 00:42:26,840
If you haven't got a haemorrhoid,
don't do it.
1254
00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:28,840
LAUGHTER
1255
00:42:28,880 --> 00:42:30,680
Stick with your bedtime
routine as is.
1256
00:42:30,720 --> 00:42:33,120
And I'll tell you this,
the bumhole is an idiot.
1257
00:42:33,160 --> 00:42:35,280
You might not know this.
The bumhole is an absolute moron.
1258
00:42:35,320 --> 00:42:37,320
It doesn't understand
you're trying to help.
1259
00:42:37,360 --> 00:42:38,680
I don't know if you...
I know you've got dogs.
1260
00:42:38,720 --> 00:42:40,160
I don't know if you've got pets
1261
00:42:40,200 --> 00:42:42,360
and you need to give them a pill
cos they're poorly
1262
00:42:42,400 --> 00:42:44,840
but the pet thinks you're trying
to poison it. It's a very similar...
1263
00:42:44,880 --> 00:42:46,280
You know when you've got a dog,
you're like,
1264
00:42:46,320 --> 00:42:47,320
"Can you just eat that for me?"
1265
00:42:47,360 --> 00:42:48,840
RETCHES
"No.
1266
00:42:48,880 --> 00:42:51,240
"Eat it."
RETCHES
1267
00:42:51,280 --> 00:42:52,600
It's exactly the same with the bum
hole.
1268
00:42:52,640 --> 00:42:54,000
You're like, "Eat that."
RETCHES
1269
00:42:54,040 --> 00:42:55,760
"Eat it."
RETCHES
1270
00:42:55,800 --> 00:42:57,640
"Eat it!"
RETCHES
1271
00:42:57,680 --> 00:42:58,800
Ten minutes of this.
1272
00:42:58,840 --> 00:43:00,760
"Eat it."
1273
00:43:00,800 --> 00:43:02,520
It's the same advice for both.
1274
00:43:02,560 --> 00:43:04,400
You've just got to thumb
it right to the back.
1275
00:43:04,440 --> 00:43:06,600
Just give it no choice.
LAUGHTER
1276
00:43:06,640 --> 00:43:07,840
Get it in there.
1277
00:43:08,880 --> 00:43:10,440
Once you've got it in there,
1278
00:43:10,480 --> 00:43:11,520
bite down on it.
1279
00:43:11,560 --> 00:43:12,560
Let it take.
1280
00:43:12,600 --> 00:43:14,800
LAUGHTER
1281
00:43:14,840 --> 00:43:16,160
Don't be cartwheeling off to bed.
1282
00:43:16,200 --> 00:43:17,480
You haven't finished yet.
1283
00:43:17,520 --> 00:43:18,680
Wait.
1284
00:43:18,720 --> 00:43:20,120
Grip on to the sink.
1285
00:43:20,160 --> 00:43:21,880
Just hold.
1286
00:43:21,920 --> 00:43:23,400
Hold!
1287
00:43:24,520 --> 00:43:27,360
Because once you get it up,
the bumhole becomes a genius.
1288
00:43:27,400 --> 00:43:29,440
Get it up there, your
bumhole will say to you,
1289
00:43:29,480 --> 00:43:31,960
"Oh, excuse me, I just need
a little fart,"
1290
00:43:32,000 --> 00:43:35,080
and you'll fall for that the
first few nights. I did.
1291
00:43:35,120 --> 00:43:37,520
You think, "Perhaps it's one
of them little bubble ones.
1292
00:43:37,560 --> 00:43:39,800
"I can just curl it round the edge.
1293
00:43:39,840 --> 00:43:42,000
"Just pop it out.
No-one's any the wiser."
1294
00:43:42,040 --> 00:43:44,200
I'll tell you now,
"There's no fart up there."
1295
00:43:44,240 --> 00:43:45,720
That's a trick, is what that is.
1296
00:43:45,760 --> 00:43:47,440
Once you've got it up,
don't risk a fart
1297
00:43:47,480 --> 00:43:48,920
and hear it ping off the bathtub.
1298
00:43:48,960 --> 00:43:50,200
LAUGHTER
1299
00:43:50,240 --> 00:43:52,280
Scratching around
for it in the dark.
1300
00:43:52,320 --> 00:43:54,200
"Where the fucking hell's
that gone now?"
1301
00:43:55,480 --> 00:43:57,640
"Oh, there's the remote control.
1302
00:43:57,680 --> 00:44:00,200
LAUGHTER
1303
00:44:02,600 --> 00:44:04,720
There we go. I mean, you never know
what the last line of a tour
1304
00:44:04,760 --> 00:44:07,880
is going to be when
you start writing one.
1305
00:44:07,920 --> 00:44:10,640
I really did want, you know,
for this show...
1306
00:44:10,680 --> 00:44:13,680
I rewrote this entire show
during the sort of Covid break,
1307
00:44:13,720 --> 00:44:17,080
and I thought, "I'm going to write
a really intellectual show...
1308
00:44:17,120 --> 00:44:19,520
"..about..."
LAUGHTER
1309
00:44:19,560 --> 00:44:21,760
"About how easy it is to
put clothes on."
1310
00:44:21,800 --> 00:44:23,360
LAUGHTER
1311
00:44:23,400 --> 00:44:24,760
Oh, no.
1312
00:44:24,800 --> 00:44:26,360
LAUGHTER
1313
00:44:28,040 --> 00:44:29,040
Oh, no.
1314
00:44:33,040 --> 00:44:35,040
There we go. All right.
1315
00:44:35,080 --> 00:44:36,280
We'll just edit this out.
1316
00:44:36,320 --> 00:44:37,440
Don't you worry about that.
1317
00:44:37,480 --> 00:44:38,800
Just...
1318
00:44:38,840 --> 00:44:39,960
Oh, slick!
1319
00:44:40,000 --> 00:44:42,360
CHEERING
1320
00:44:45,240 --> 00:44:46,800
I thought, "I'm going to write..."
1321
00:44:46,840 --> 00:44:48,600
This is the speech about
how I was going to write
1322
00:44:48,640 --> 00:44:49,720
a really intellectual show
1323
00:44:49,760 --> 00:44:51,640
but it's not as powerful if
you've just seen me
1324
00:44:51,680 --> 00:44:53,200
fail to put on a jacket.
1325
00:44:53,240 --> 00:44:54,400
LAUGHTER
1326
00:44:54,440 --> 00:44:57,120
I thought, "I'm going to write
a really intellectual show,
1327
00:44:57,160 --> 00:44:59,080
"you know, about how the problems
we've faced and how, um..."
1328
00:44:59,120 --> 00:45:02,160
Oh, there's the zip. Come on, you
fucker. There we... Oh, no.
1329
00:45:02,200 --> 00:45:04,720
There we go. Oh, there we go.
1330
00:45:04,760 --> 00:45:05,920
Wonderful.
1331
00:45:05,960 --> 00:45:08,640
CHEERING
1332
00:45:08,680 --> 00:45:10,960
It's not how I wanted
the show to end,
1333
00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:14,080
a round of applause for me
successfully putting on a coat,
1334
00:45:14,120 --> 00:45:16,120
but I will take it.
LAUGHTER
1335
00:45:16,160 --> 00:45:19,200
I wanted to end by dedicating
the show to my daughter.
1336
00:45:19,240 --> 00:45:21,600
Given how much of it
is about my bumhole,
1337
00:45:21,640 --> 00:45:24,400
I think that's no
longer appropriate.
1338
00:45:24,440 --> 00:45:25,800
LAUGHTER
1339
00:45:25,840 --> 00:45:27,560
So I just want to
end by thanking her,
1340
00:45:27,600 --> 00:45:29,200
by thanking you for coming.
1341
00:45:29,240 --> 00:45:30,440
Thank you so much for this evening.
1342
00:45:30,480 --> 00:45:33,320
It's been a pleasure
talking to you...
1343
00:45:33,360 --> 00:45:38,200
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
1344
00:45:46,200 --> 00:45:50,280
REVVING
1345
00:45:50,320 --> 00:45:51,760
WHISTLING
1346
00:45:51,800 --> 00:45:53,560
Thanks for watching my daddy,
1347
00:45:53,600 --> 00:45:55,360
Jon Poopy-pants!
1348
00:45:55,400 --> 00:45:58,800
LAUGHTER
1349
00:45:58,840 --> 00:46:02,640
JAUNTY MUSIC
1350
00:46:21,240 --> 00:46:24,240
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
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