Original subtitles

Two number threes with Diet Cokes?

- Oh, yeah. Thanks. - Sure.

-Could I have my change, please?

Thank you so much. Thank you.

- Here's your burgers. - Yeah. Please let me ride up front with you.

-Here's your drink. Here's your change. -Okay.

Oh my god. Thanks. Look, can I at least

- eat the sandwich before we take off? - We gotta go.

- No, no, no. - Wait, the food is gonna fly all over the...

We gotta go! Got big plans!

Yeah, I just...

I wanna make sure that we fully understand, like,

why Chloe decides to leave Zach.

I think it's pretty clear.

Are you worried it'll appear like we have an agenda?

No, not an agenda. Just, like,

needs to be, like, complex and gray, you know?

And right now, it just reads like...

I don't know. Like her dialogue is...

People just don't talk like that, you know?

Like in perfectly worded arguments.

I would disagree with that assumption.

Her naiveté is a direct result of the history of subjugation

of women by a draconian patriarchy.

Right...

Maybe we throw a few "um's" in there?

Oh my god...

How do you know to do all this?

Writing? Oh! It's easy.

You know, you just, um...

follow your instincts and keep it honest.

- You know, just like when you're acting. - Yeah, I'm...

I'm actually, like, working on some personal stuff.

Like, um, kind of a show. It's like coming of age,

but set in space.

- I don't know, but... - Sally!

- Barry? - Hey!

Hi. I... Wait...

I'm forgetting. Did I ask you to come?

No, I came on my own.

- Oh... Hi! - Hey!

Hey. Listen,

I know how to get Cousineau

over the murder of his girlfriend.

You cast him on your show.

What...

I... What? Wait, y...

- You talked to Cousineau? - Uh, yeah.

Yeah, and, um, you know, he's still pretty fucked up,

but I think getting his, um, you know,

career back on track will make him a little less fucked up

and give him a purpose.

Oh, that's so sweet.

But we threw his name out for a part and casting said no.

I think the direct quote was, "life's too short."

Well, wait, aren't you the boss? Can't you override that?

Yeah, I am the boss, which is why I need to trust

that I hired smart people,

and casting said he's a shitshow. So...

- He's not a shitshow. - Yeah, I know. Look,

I was as surprised as you are,

but the town wants nothing to do with him.

He's made his bed, so...

Hey, you know, I'm kind of in the middle of something here,

so can we talk about this at home?

He's in a lot of pain.

Yeah. No, I am sorry to hear that.

- No, you're not. - What?

If you actually felt that way, you'd do something about it,

but you're not doing anything about it.

So now, I have to do something about it.

I came here for your help, and you're not giving it to me.

Are you okay? 'Cause you seem a little manic.

- I'm worried about him. - So am I.

Which is why I tried to get him on my show.

We're saying the same thing.

We are not saying the same thing!

We are not saying the same thing!

If I don't do this, I don't live!

I have to do this to fucking live!

-Don't fucking laugh at me!

My whole life! My whole... fucking life!

- Barry... - I need you to do this for me now!

Now!

Do it.

- Okay. I see... you're very upset right now. - Do it!

Look, I-I-I'm sorry. I tried, and...

- I... I can't. - Shit.

- Hello? - Hey-hey.

Are you around to meet up?

Yes. Um...

- What time were you thinking? - Now!

NoHo Hank Right. Duh.

You know, I really wish you would trust one of my guys

to bring you these heroin plants,

but since I'm the only one you trust,

you know? Just...

- sucks that you live all the way in Calabasas. - Hi!

- I mean, that is a drive. - Say I live in the Redlands.

Redlands?

Fuck me!

Wow.

I am so fucked today.

I will not be coming back to this office anytime soon.

Okay. I'll see you later.

- Are you selling limonada? - Yeah.

- Oh, how much? - One dollar!

Fantastic. I'll take two.

Don't pull on the door!

Let me unlock first!

Pendejo.

- Mi yerno. - Suegro.

Did you just come all the way from Bolivia?

Yes.

But, not in this. It's a rental.

We flew.

Gene Cousineau Barry? Barry,

I've been in this trunk way too long.

I can't feel my legs! A-and, you might not know this,

but that is definitely a stroke symptom!

- You're going to have to relax. - What are you doing?

Plan A didn't work, so I'm gonna have to do plan B.

Do you even know what the plan is?

I don't know what the plan is!

Look, I'm trying to fucking help you, man, alright?

- So, just shut up! - Where you going?

Uh, Allison Jones' office, please.

We were all just a little confused though. I mean,

you read for "Swim Instructors," you were really good.

We liked you. Jay liked you.

- Who? - Jay.

The director.

- Oh, Jay Roach. Yeah. - Yeah.

But then, um, we couldn't find you.

You didn't return any calls, and we left messages.

-We left word, we couldn't... You never called us back. -Right.

- No, uh, something came up. - Right. Well, it's cast now.

They went with Adam DeVine and Josh Gad.

Two short guys. Never, ever, ever going to work.

Not funny. I don't know why they think it is.

- Right... Well, it's, um, I'm not really here for me. - Yeah.

Uh, I was wondering if you could, um,

- get my acting teacher some work. - Mm-hmm.

Uh, his name is Gene Cousineau. He's been around...

Oh, Gene Cousineau's a fucking asshole.

I won't have anything to do with him.

He was awful to me. No, thank you.

But, you know what? I like your intensity.

You kind of have, like, a not-present Joaquin Phoenix thing.

- Huh. - We might have something for you, actually,

that you could be right for. On the show "Laws Of Humanity,"

there's a great role, Mr. Millaway.

Can you come back at00 and read for that?

- Me? - Yeah.

00. Different office.

Good role. I think you'd be great for it. Yeah. Last slot.

Cristobal!

-Drink with me. Come on.

This Airbnb is fantastic.

They're fun, no?

-Y-yeah. Yeah.

Stop being so much fun!

Uh, did Elena send you?

My daughter misses her husband.

And the niños,

they...

they need their daddy.

I know you've had a hard time establishing a foothold in LA.

Minor setback.

Chechens seem to be a major setback.

But not to worry.

The cavalry is here.

We will take them out. Blood for blood.

The sooner we can wipe out these Russian farmers,

the sooner we establish our business.

And you can go back home!

Blood for blood.

Assistant Sally? Action on rehearsal.

Sally, action on rehearsal.

Oh. Um...

You need to get out of this. I think I'll...

I think we'll cross this way, if that's not totally weird.

Um... Sorry. Yeah. You need to get out of this.

But, he apologized.

That's why you're staying in it, for the apology.

- That's not a thing. - Yes, it is.

I did it with your father,

and it was a pattern I fell into.

It took me years to break it, but I did.

And I just don't want...

Fuck! What's my line?

I don't want you to make the same mistakes.

Yeah, we gotta change that.

I just... I say that to her constantly.

-Alright, let's set this up. Cast can rest. -Where's my script?

Hey. Are, are you okay?

Yeah. That was really scary.

Yeah. Um,

so, uh, we gotta report that, right?

Oh. Are you guys talking about Sally's boyfriend?

- I heard about that. - Yeah, we were there.

It was, like, terrifying.

Who do we talk to about this?

Well, he doesn't work here, so we can't report it to HR.

Did he hit her?

- No. Um... - Did he threaten her?

Uh, no.

Did he throw anything?

Well he had her pinned up against the wall,

and he was yelling at her.

There's really nothing we can do about that.

I mean, he's clearly a violent person.

They're adults,

and I like my job.

Sucks that you had to see tha...

-What, camera's ready?

-We're ready for you on set.

Okay...

Apologize...

So, let me get this straight.

You went in to get me a part, and you got yourself a part?

It's an audition. I'm reading Mr. Millaway.

You're a lawyer.

You seriously want me to interpret the scene for you?

Are you out of your fuckin' mind?

Oh, just let me go, Barry. I'm not gonna tell anybody.

- Wait, you wouldn't go to the cops? - Of course not!

You're a bad actor, Mr. Cousineau.

So, you're gonna hold me hostage until you book me a part?

That's not the way it works.

We're talking about me here. That could take years.

Look, what I'm saying to you is that your plan sucks.

Look, I swear

on Janice's soul,

I will not say a word

- to anyone... - It's either this or I kill you.

You're one of the good guys, Barry.

You did a horrible thing.

But I see your pain.

It is the same pain that you came to me with.

Fresh out of the army. A lost soul.

No one to tell you your worth.

I took you in.

Not only did I teach you to be a good actor,

I taught you to be a good human being.

And this is how you repay me?

By killing me?

I love you, Mr. Cousineau.

I appreciate that, Barry.

Alright. Well, look, we don't have a lot of time. Uh,

I was going through my checklist in my head,

and I think my guy's issue is his ego.

Like, he's one of these big pharma guys.

But, I think I can actually make one of these guys likable.

Hi.

No, I'm just leaving. Literally the worst date.

I'm not exaggerating this time. Okay.

He ordered milk with dinner. He... Oh my...

This thing has 14 cup holders.

I counted.

Madness.

(Chatter continues)

-Apaga la luce.

Gangster There's no one here.

-Como que no one?

- Seguro? - Nada.

- Look at the dinosaur! Look! - Look! Dinosaur! Look!

Dinosaur! "Jurassic Park"!

- Holy shit! Jimmy Kimmel! - Where?

- Right there! - Yeah, Batir,

that's where they do the Jimmy Kimmel.

- "The Man Show" does not age well. - Ah!

No. Not a carbonara. That's too fancy.

Just, like, a regular spaghetti.

I mean, do you guys have a kids menu?

- Sally, Lindsay's in your office. - What? Lindsay?

-Wait. What? Did she say what for? -Didn't say.

-She's here. -Oh. Okay. She just walked in. I'll give her the lowdown.

- Hey. What's up? - Hey. That was Casey over at Diane's office.

- We have a situation. - Ah...

Apparently, there's another show like yours.

-What? -It's called "Pam!" With an exclamation mark.

So, it's kinda more like... Pam!

- Who's in it? - Alexis Kaplan.

- She's a stand-up comedian. - Who's that?

- She is hysterical. - Yeah. In the show, she plays a woman

who escapes an abusive relationship

-and has a daughter. Wait, look at the glass!

- It's so big! - It's cute.

She loves to drink.

That's a show about abuse?

You're mad? You're mad.

So, Diane wants to get ahead of it,

so they're pulling your release date up.

- What? To when? - Yeah. End of the week.

Exciting! It's so exciting!

I-I don't know how I feel about this.

So, we'll do the premiere Thursday,

and you have to do a press junket.

- When? - Tomorrow.

- It's happening tomorrow? - So, let's sit down...

- we can talk strategy. - I gotta go pick up some spaghetti.

We do... We should talk about it right now

- because it is tomorrow. - But she needs to get spaghetti.

-Be right back!

Apologize? Are you nuts?

I'm not the type of man to admit my wrongs.

I've already paid the family.

Casting I need you to not only look inside your wallet,

but your soul. It's part of the settlement.

To apologize? What kind of law practice is this?

A law practice whose goal is to eradicate meanness.

Wait. That's you guys?

- Okay. Yeah. - Yeah. Thanks, Barry.

Uh, when will I know if I got it?

Uh, work's tomorrow, so soon.

I really need this job.

I know, everyone does. We'll get back to you, okay?

You have that part, the sad old man whose wife dies,

have you cast that yet?

Doesn't have any lines. That's just gonna be an extra.

I need you to cast my acting teacher.

- There's a process here... - His name is Gene Cousineau.

Gene Cousineau? That's your acting teacher?

That the guy that brought the loaded gun

- to the "Full House" audition? - Yeah.

When Allison didn't cast him on "Family Ties,"

he called her a donkey witch.

Everybody deserves a second chance.

That's not how it works.

When I met Mr. Cousineau...

I was a lost soul.

I was just out of the Marines. I didn't have anybody.

He didn't just teach me how to...

be a better actor, but...

he taught me how to be a human being.

He saved my life.

Oh my god. Thank God you're okay.

What the fuck is going on? Who's Fernando?

Why the fuck is Fernando trying to kill us?

- I mean... - Fernando is the head of our family, Hank.

He brought his elite soldiers.

Las Aguilas.

You don't stand a chance. You need to run.

Run?

Come on, we don't run away from anyone.

- Let me talk to him, okay? - Fuck, man,

you're not listening to me, Hank.

You don't talk to him! No one talks to him!

You'll die.

I couldn't handle that.

Wait, like, are you breaking up with me?

Goodbye.

Enriquito.

Oh, you know, me and Don Felder...

especially the drums, we wanted it to be very wet...

Okay, okay, okay...

Okay...

"Connect to Bluetooth"?

How the fuck do you do that?

Barry? Hey.

-I got a part!

Wh... For your controller? No, no, I-I got you a new one.

No! No, like a part on a TV show! "Laws of Humanity."

Wait, what?

Oh my god! That's, like...

That's like a huge fucking show!

Like, a real show! Congrats!

Yeah, I got Cousineau a part, too!

Oh my god, so you did it.

- How? - I told Ben, the casting guy,

our story, and he was really moved.

His exact words were, "That is fucking clean

- "and rad and beautiful, bro." - Oh my god.

I can't believe he said rad. They never say stuff like that.

That is just... That is so wonderful, Boo Bear. I mean,

- we should... we should celebrate. Okay. - Yeah, I'll be home soon.

Yeah. Hey, listen. I, um...

Uh, I texted you a lot earlier.

Oh, I haven't... I haven't been near my phone.

Oh, yeah. No, that's okay. Um, I just, uh, I actually...

I wanted to apologize. I...

I was... I've just been under so much stress,

and then you came to my office, and I was just thrown,

- and I-I'm really sorry. - Oh, it's okay.

Okay.

Uh... Wait, are you okay?

Yeah.

Okay.

- Are you happy? - Yeah. I gotta go.

- Okay. I just... I really want you to be happy, okay? - Okay, byeee!

-Okay. I love you! Love you.

Mr. Cousineau! Guess what?

Ho... Ho!

I-I did not see this coming.

I felt like things were going really well.

I just...

I don't understand why you don't want to be with me.

I mean, it's been five amazing years.

I'm working on myself and you seem to be appreciating that.

No? I mean, I don't understand why you're leaving me.

You have too many dogs.

- Who? - You!

- Me? - Yes!

Shit.

Fuck.

Excuse me, little girl, I really need your help.

Oh my god. Are you okay?

I'm being chased by a man who killed my girlfriend.

- Oh my god. - Yeah, and now,

he's trying to make up for it by getting me a job on a TV show.

Right...

I don't have my phone.

Could you please call me an internet taxi?

-Is that your dog?

Oh, no. That's just one of the 30 that mauled me.

-Mm-hmm. Uh...

Okay. It looks like there's one right around the corner.

You are an angel!

Okay. Good luck.

No, no, no! Please, don't leave me. I can't be alone.

- No, I have to go to work. - I-I'm a good person.

I wanted to live.

So, I ate his sandwiches in the trunk.

- Oh! That's your car. That one. - Yeah?

-Leo!

- L-Leo! - Jesus, Dad, what happened to you?

- Call the police. - W-what do you mean?

- No, no, no. Listen to me! - Oh my god, a doggy!

- I want you to... - Barry, here's your tea.

Oh, Dad, you like you got, like,

hit by a bus.

Something... Something happen to you two?

No, your dad was helping me with an audition,

and we both, uh, committed a little too hard.

Uh, you said something about the police?

No.

Okay, cool.

I told that casting director our story,

and he was so moved...

that he gave us both parts.

So, you're going to enjoy

everything that comes

with being given a second chance.

Because if you don't...

this one...

and that one...

go away.

Do you understand?

I love you, Mr. Cousineau.

Do you love me?

Can you say it?

I love you, Barry.

Can you say it again?