Original subtitles

John Collier, who wrote this story,

is surely one of the wittiest, most

subtle writers of our time.

He has produced a multitude of short stories, three novels,

and many fine filmstrips.

When Collier writes fiction, he is totally outrageous.

Consider, for example, a novel called "His Monkey Wife," which

is all about a female chimpanzee who falls in love with

and eventually marries an undistinguished colonial

schoolmaster.

If that isn't outrageous, I don't know what is.

Here then is another equally outrageous Collier story.

[music playing]

[birds chirping]

[side conversations]

JAMES: Philadelphia and Chicago.

[inaudible] You know, I'd better circulate.

I'll see you later.

[side conversations]

More wine.

Now all right?

Samantha.

HERMIONE: How are we doing here, yes?

You were always pretty, but you're in grave danger

of becoming a beauty.

I'm looking forward to starting at hospital.

God help the hands of our students when you commence.

[chuckling]

Darling.

Would you circulate with this?

Oh, yes.

Of course.

Would you like some?

[side conversations]

[clearing throat loudly] Ladies and gentlemen,

I know James is going to hate me making a speech.

All the same, I'm jolly well going to.

HERMIONE: Quite right, too.

Now then, who but Hermione would provide us

all with such a splendid feast a few hours

before she goes off to America?

Well, I'm quite sure of one thing--

she'll be the only one who doesn't suffer from jet lag.

[all laughing]

Well, you know, I sometimes feel nowadays that Britain's losing

faith in herself, so it's a real shot in the arm

to know that our hospital and in particular, James's unit,

leads the world in one field.

TOM: Here, here.

GAVIN: So much so, in fact, that the Americans want to steal

James from us for nine months.

Oh, well, that's the usual period of gestation.

So let's hope that the mating of James and the Americans

will bear fruit.

[laughter]

Well, we're all going to miss him,

and we shall miss Hermione, too.

Yes.

And alas, she won't be here to organize

our arts festival this summer.

However, I understand it's all in the capable hands of um--

of um--

- Sebastian. - Who?

- Sebastian. - Oh, Sebastian.

Uh, yeah--

Yes, sir.

Ah, yes.

HERMIONE: Yes, well, I won't be here

to bully you all into buying tickets,

but we do have some most exciting events, particularly

that series of constitutive Renaissance music,

and I do hope that you'll all give Sebastian in your support.

PARTY GUEST: Oh, yes. PARTY GUEST: Of course.

Well, I hope you both have a splendid trip.

Oh, and one thing--

we all know what James is going to spend the proceeds on.

[laughter]

Well, what more harmless hobby could

there be than growing orchids?

I must say they do look very nice.

I don't know much about them.

Mmm, they also smell very nice, just like Hermione.

PARTY GUEST: Oh. - Oh.

[laughter]

What I smell of is packing, luggage, and mothballs.

Now, now, Gavin.

GAVIN: Yeah.

[laughter]

Now, I'd just like to say that the research which has given us

the honor of this invitation is the result, like most

modern research, of teamwork, and most of you

here were in that team.

And we are both very grateful for all your years

of hard work and loyalty.

GAVIN: Oh, thank you. PARTY GUEST: Thank you.

TOM: Thank you. - Thank you, Gavin.

Excellent speech. - [inaudible]

Now-- drinks.

Oh, darling, how long have you been sitting

there without any drinks?

And now-- quiet, everyone.

[tapping on glass]

[inaudible]

Darling.

Oh.

Sorry, dear.

The unit will go on while we are away, of course, as usual.

But orchids need water, and I'd be most grateful

if all my friends could take care

of one of our little beauties till we get back.

So if you'll just follow me. - Oh.

All right.

JAMES: Oh, no need to worry about them, actually.

They're perfectly simple to look after.

They're all got a label with full instructions on the back.

Now look here.

This is a Paphiopedilum hirsutissimum.

I call it the hairy one.

[both chuckling]

Do you think you're going to like it?

Will it like me?

- Oh, of course it will. - Oh.

One thing worries me, Hermione.

James is going to get a lot of offers over there, you know?

At double-- treble the salaries we get.

Now, you won't let him be tempted, will you?

We need him.

Tom, I promise you.

I won't let the dollars seduce James or America seduce me.

[laughing] I hope not.

Ah, Tom

Oh, yes?

Don't think you're going to escape without one.

Oh, thank you.

I've got one with a Latin name that sounds extremely rude.

Oh.

[chuckling]

Oh, you are lucky to have a husband whose mania

doesn't involve you getting soaking

wet and freezing every weekend.

Oh, Tom's sailing?

Tom's sailing.

I'm Tom's crew.

I sometimes wish the boat would sink.

Not with Tom on it.

Well, preferably not.

[both chuckling]

Do you think orchids can't be annoying, too?

How?

They can't talk.

Oh, James talks to them--

endlessly.

Or, rather more than he talks to me, actually.

Sometimes he's in there half the night potting and clinking

away, and whenever I want to watch television or listen

to a concert, that's the moment when he decides he

wants to put up some shelving.

I want him to have a nice, new, modern aluminum

greenhouse out of sight behind the tennis court.

See, without his clutter, I could make

the most marvelous garden room.

Oh, and you're so clever at doing things up.

No, I'm not clever.

Well-- I'm clever enough to know what to copy.

[both chuckling]

Put it out in the light and air till the first frost.

We'll take the greatest care of it.

Intensive care.

Oh, Gavin.

[all laughing]

Mine's just a stick.

Well, don't worry.

It'll burst into bud in December.

Give it a light spray over with this from time to time.

Ah, Samantha.

Now this one's for you.

It's called an Odontoglossum subuligerum.

It's the most precious one.

Why?

Is it a rare one?

It's most precious, Samantha, because it

will give me an opportunity to call upon you to collect it.

When exactly do we see both again?

Oh, all being well, we should be back at Christmas.

Ah.

- Put that over there, shall I? - Thank you.

There we are.

Now drive carefully.

See you at Christmas.

Bye.

[car starting]

[HERMIONE THUMPING THINGS

AROUND]

Something the matter?

Oh, for God's sake.

Grow up.

I'm a big boy now, Mommy.

You can't set eyes on a young girl

without having to show me that you can get her.

Well all right, then.

Get one-- one of your adoring young nurses, maybe,

and I hope you're more use to her than you are to me.

You'll become a joke soon, you know.

People laugh at you behind your back.

Ha.

The aging Casanova.

Well, that's a role that I much prefer to my present one--

that of the henpecked husband.

Henpecked husbands usually help.

Mmm.

It's your glory, Hermione, that you'll

never need help from anyone.

You're always so perfectly organized.

[slamming glass on tray]

Aren't you?

[music playing]

[buzzing]

[breakers snapping]

[clock ticking]

Hermione?

Hermione!

What is it?

JAMES: I just found something absolutely extraordinary.

Come up and see.

(QUIETLY) Now let's see--

I stopped the milk, turned off the gas, water, electricity,

arranged for the post to be sent on--

JAMES: Hermione. - Yes?

JAMES: Something really peculiar.

What is it?

Aren't you dressed yet?

What are you doing?

Unless my eyesight's deceiving me,

there's a gold chain down that drain.

Can't be.

I haven't got a gold chain.

Oh, unless you've had someone here, of course.

Some tarty little nurse who needed a bath.

Oh, really.

Seriously, Hermione, come and look.

HERMIONE: Oh.

In there.

There.

[music playing]

[birds chirping]

[music playing]

[tools thumping]

[music playing]

[tools thumping]

[music playing]

It's

[tractor engine]

For Heaven's sake, you can't be lost.

We were there an hour ago.

Well, it must be left, than right, then left again.

All right.

Around the world then.

For one bloody earring.

[car engine revving]

[music playing]

[horn honking]

[electric saw buzzing]

[music playing]

[tires crunching on gravel]

[music playing]

You've been losing earrings ever since I knew you.

Why don't you get your ears pierced?

I can't bear the thought.

Huh.

You, a hospital nurse.

[doorbell ringing]

[music playing]

[doorbell ringing]

[doorbell ringing]

TOM: I told you they'd be gone.

NANCY: Their flight's not until 6:00.

TOM: They might be calling on someone on the way.

[crows cawing]

[rattling gate latch]

[shovel scraping]

[door scraping shut]

[rattling gate latch]

[horn honking]

Come on.

But it goes with my Chinese dress I wanted to wear

to the [inaudible] dance.

[car door slamming]

[car engine fading]

[exhaling]

[grunting]

[water spraying]

[grunting]

[water spraying]

[heavy thump]

Stop.

Walking

What is it now?

I just want to drop a note in.

They should have a daily woman or someone

who keeps an eye on the place.

"If earring found, please ring--" why is it

I can never remember our telephone number?

28821.

[scraping cement]

[tapping loudly]

[hammering]

[car engine approaching]

[music playing]

[tires crunching on gravel]

[car door slamming]

[music playing]

[mail slot clanking]

[car door slamming]

[car engine fading]

[clock chiming]

[fire crackling]

[music playing]

[water spraying]

Whoo.

Ah.

Oh.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT (ON INTERCOM): Ladies and gentlemen,

in a few minutes, we should be landing at Los Angeles Airport.

Would you kindly observe the no smoking sign

and ensure that your seat is in the upright position.

For your own safety and comfort, we

ask you to remain seated with your seat belts fastened

until the captain has parked the aircraft at the gate

and indicated that it is safe for you

to stand by turning off the seat belt sign.

[typewriter clacking]

"And we're both having a marvelous time here in LA

and enjoying the legendary American hospitality.

[typewriter clacking]

Back for Christmas.

Much love--

Hermione."

[slapping desk]

[ripping paper]

[toilet flushing]

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

ELEANOR (ON PHONE): Hello, James.

Eleanor, darling.

You got my message?

ELEANOR (ON PHONE): Oh, how are you?

I was scared to death I'd miss you.

ELEANOR (ON PHONE): You're in Los Angeles.

Yes, we've done New York, Chicago, Philadelphia.

Now I'm here at last. [chuckling]

ELEANOR (ON PHONE): Oh, I didn't know exactly when--

And listen, Eleanor.

I've got some great new.

She's left me.

She's gone.

ELEANOR (ON PHONE): Left you? When?

Oh, quite suddenly.

[knocking on door]

ELEANOR (ON PHONE): What do you mean, James?

Oh, hold on a minute.

Yeah, come in.

Oh, uh-- put it in the bedroom, will you?

Thanks.

So what time are you arriving?

ELEANOR (ON PHONE): Not till 9:30.

JAMES: Oh, that means a late dinner, I suppose.

ELEANOR (ON PHONE): Oh, it doesn't matter.

Well, I suppose I'll survive.

Oh, thanks very much.

I'll survive till then.

ELEANOR (ON PHONE): [chuckling] You usually do.

Yes.

ELEANOR (ON PHONE): What are you going to do?

What do you mean, what am I going to do?

I'm going to build a glass house.

A range of glass houses.

Settle down.

ELEANOR (ON PHONE): You don't mean it.

Yes.

I'm going to give up being a doctor.

[chuckling] I'm fed up with transplanting

bits of people who are dead to people who ought to be.

[chuckling]

ELEANOR (ON PHONE): I just don't believe you, James.

What about the hospital?

JAMES: Uh-- eh-- hold on a sec.

Just a minute, darling.

ELEANOR (ON PHONE): James, what is it?

James.

[envelope ripping]

James?

James.

Hold on a minute, darling.

"Dear Madam, Thank you for you letter of Friday the fourth

of March accepting our estimate and for the house

keys you enclosed.

We shall be starting work outside immediately

in order to complete by Christmas as promised.

We confirm that the work involved is as detailed

[inaudible] Supplying and erecting aluminum greenhouse

as shown on the enclosed drawings.

Cl-- clearing existing conservatory, moving shed,

lifting old flooring, digging up foundations

and laying new floor."

[music playing]

ELEANOR (ON PHONE): James, are you there?

James?

Well, what's the matter?

James?

James.

[music playing]

[music playing]