Original subtitles

Captioning made possible by Acorn Media

In the bad old days,

when India was full of millionaire maharajahs,

these fellows used to bump off their wives

with astonishing frequency.

Oddly, they all used the same method,

and very royal and maharajah-ish it was.

Not for them a coarse bash on the head

or a bloody running-through with a sword

or a slashing of the throat.

They used tigers' whiskers.

A maharajah intent upon disposing of his wife

would first go out and shoot a tiger.

He would then cut off its whiskers.

These whiskers, which were as sharp and spiky

as slivers of glass,

would be chopped up into small pieces

and sprinkled on the maharanee's curry at dinner.

When eaten,

they would perforate the lining of her intestine

and kill her off within two days.

In other countries,

tigers' whiskers are rather hard to come by,

so we husbands have to use other, less refined methods,

as you will see in a moment.

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Burge.

Good night, Mavis.

[Chimes jingle]

[Bells tolling]

Good night, Mr. Boyle.

MAN: Good night, Frances.

[Chimes jingle]

Isn't it time you settled your account?

I came prepared.

When this started, you had a sob story

about helping some young drug addict--

red tape about overprescribing.

That young addict doesn't seem to be

responding to your treatment.

I'll tell you the truth, John.

We doctors are sorely tempted.

You've only to look at our suicide rate.

I got hooked on the stuff myself.

That's what I thought all along.

I take risks for you.

And I pay for them.

It's been simple to oblige you so far,

but one day, someone's going to count the tablets

they get in a bottle.

Most of the people on these

are too confused, disturbed to count.

And I suppose my little contribution

helps with your, uh...

With my?

Inflation must have made adultery

impossibly expensive.

How's your wife?

11 stone and 12 pounds.

I know exactly because the slimming clinic

gives her a little card.

She has a weight-loss target.

But as she's always going up instead of down,

she hides it... but I know where.

[Music playing on television]

And George simply won't know.

Well, suppose George finds out.

If he finds out, I'll be glad.

Yes, glad.

And Phyllis?

What about Phyllis?

Phyllis will be so busy thinking about herself,

she won't have to--

MAN: No, no, no.

Derek, dear boy,

you're giving me absolutely nothing.

I know we're only rehearsing,

but it must have a little...

[Talking continues indistinctly]

[WHISPERING] "Phyllis. Phyllis,

"let's try to be sensible about all this.

We have to think of the children."

How's the pig?

Shh!

Women are awful. You're awful.

Men have some kind of loyalty, but women...

Mary is your best friend, and you call her "the pig."

It's good for us

she still thinks I am her best friend.

What do you call her... in your mind?

The fat pig.

A fat, fat, fat pig.

When they weigh her,

they must need a crane--

a strap round her belly

like when they weigh sows.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, I see.

Could we have a little quiet up there,

please?

Sorry.

MAN: Thank you.

[WHISPERING] Where have they gotten to?

They're still on Act One.

MAN ON TELEVISION: ...Obvious by the shape of it

that it is a whistle.

In fact, if I put it in my mouth and blow,

you'll hear it will blow.

[Blows whistle]

And it has a slide, up and down like this.

So one would presume that, um,

the whistle would vary when you did that,

but it doesn't,

because the whistle part of it finishes there,

and then on the side of it,

it has a funny little probe out here

which, when you push it down,

the point comes through the bottom end.

[Actors talking indistinctly]

I can't wait, John, not any longer.

Oh, the way the old sow

is stuffing herself now,

she'll eat herself to death.

Her heart won't take it.

I can't wait for her heart.

What about my heart?

I love you, Frances.

If you loved me...

you'd get a divorce.

I have an idea.

Supposing you told her

I was stepping out of line,

perhaps with one of the girls in the show,

and sound her out.

Half like a joke, say,

"Would you ever divorce him?"

MAN: Act Two, please. Act Two.

Come on, John.

All right, Damien.

We're coming.

Never.

But suppose.

Oh, it's probably not serious,

just a last fling,

but suppose he just walked out on you,

ran off with her.

Who is she?

Oh, I have no idea. It's just gossip

he's been seen with someone.

He wouldn't leave me.

John couldn't. He isn't the type.

But if he did, he'd be sorry.

I can tell you that.

You must have seen enough divorce cases

go through your office.

I'd see that he paid.

I'd get every last penny the court would give me.

By the time I'd finished with him,

him and his little tramp--

whoever she is--

they'd be sorry they started.

I've asked you not to use my razor for that.

It clogs the head.

Well, buy me one of my own, then.

You sell them.

Did you bring me that barley sugar?

Yes. Oh.

Don't look at me like that.

These are non-fattening.

It's low-calorie glucose.

You compulsive eaters are worse than alcoholics.

You've always an excuse.

[Sigh]

I'm not a compulsive eater.

I've got a problem with my metabolism.

[Scoffs]

Well, how was the rehearsal?

Uh, pretty good.

We've blocked out half Act Two.

Who are the girls in the company?

Well, apart from Frances, uh...

there's that blonde from the gas board.

She was in "Rookery Nook."

And, uh, the brunette,

who was in "French Without Tears."

Hmm.

Oh, and there's a mousy little thing,

but she's just a walk-on.

She's, uh...works in the public library.

It's the mousy little thing

I'd wonder about.

What?

Well, if you were straying, John,

the one you'd run down is the one I'd suspect.

Ohh.

John...

do you love me?

Of course I do.

You never say so.

Well, after 10 years, it gets forgotten.

Do you know what I'd really love you for?

What?

If you heard me my lines before we went to sleep.

Act Two-- it's a devil to learn.

"What's between us is real.

You can't say it isn't."

I never said it wasn't real.

I said it was dangerous.

"Dangerous for who?"

Dangerous for you-- for you.

It's not a very good play, is it?

These things are best discussed

over a good dinner.

Oh, I agree--

preferably on a banquette,

with a very good wine.

Soho?

Or we could go slumming at the Ritz.

[Laughing]

Jolly good. Absolutely splendid.

Now, can we have Derek and Annie, please?

Act Two, Scene One.

JOHN: Well, in that case,

divorce is out.

I've still a bank loan from redoing the shop.

I'd go bust, love.

Have you thought

that you and I are uniquely qualified

for one way out?

I work for a solicitor, so I know the law.

You're a pharmacist, so...you know...

Know what?

All about sickness and death.

DOCTOR: Thanks.

I found a harmless little pill

that looks exactly like those,

so I slip half a dozen into each prescription.

And I've not had one complaint.

For some conditions,

you can prescribe pills

made of chalk and sugar,

and 40% of your patients

say it makes them feel better.

How's your practice?

Could be brisker.

Not full up, then?

Wish I was.

JOHN: I'm worried about Mary.

The hospital's told her if she doesn't lose weight,

she'll kick the bucket.

Strain on the heart.

I got her to go to a slimming clinic.

Now she's packed it in.

Her doctor's Gregson.

Ooh. Gregson.

He can't make her listen.

He doesn't seem to care.

I was wondering if we might transfer her to you

as our dear, old family doctor,

counselor, and friend.

Well, of course.

You'll have to tell Gregson.

Mary doesn't seem to respond to him.

I put it frankly--

a change of doctor

might bring a change of heart.

All you have to do is fill in page 3

of your medical card.

Isn't there some affinity between, uh...

compulsive eaters and other addicts?

You might understand her, identify,

help her more than a teetotal square

like Gregson.

Do you want some... favor of me, John?

I might.

You are clever, getting Dr. Applegate.

You're sure he's hooked?

Line and sinker-- and hard-line.

I could get him struck off the register,

ruin him.

We'll have to wait just a bit longer.

A medical practitioner

may not issue a certificate

unless he had been in attendance

upon the deceased

during his or her last illness.

I looked it up today.

[Applause]

[All talking at once]

MAN: You were awfully good, John.

WOMAN: Frances was marvelous.

Who did the scenery?

I've seen worse in the West End.

Oh, look, the star!

Hey, look, everybody, the star!

[Cheering and applause]

Time that came down.

What'll be the next?

"Hay Fever" or "Gaslight."

"Gaslight" would be best for you.

I may not be here, John.

What?

I can't take this any longer,

being the other woman.

I've got an open-date return.

I loathe my sister. I loathe her husband.

But Philadelphia's packed with lawyers.

I might stay on and look for a job.

English secretaries are a status symbol there.

I could double my money...

and perhaps find someone.

Frances...

I've had it, John.

All this hole-and-corner stuff, I've had it.

My flight's at 12:50,

so I have to be up at the crack.

I called in on Mary to say good-bye.

The Bates were there.

I gave a very good impression

of Mary's oldest friend.

I thought it might help.

Help with what?

Help with what you've got to do, John.

If you want me...

They kill pigs every day by the thousand.

Haven't you got the nerve to get rid of just one?

I thought of everything--

drive the car in the river,

get out myself--

It has to be something that doesn't need an inquest,

something that Dr. Applegate

can certify as natural causes.

There is one way.

At last. How?

It's better you don't know.

Send me a telegram.

"Regret inform you..."

I'll be back, but not unless.

I'll do it, Frances, I promise.

I love you.

Oh, I love you, but only if...

[Chimes jingle]

[Groaning]

[Gunshots on television]

Don't be a darn fool, Tanner.

Get down here, or I'll blast you down.

I'm warning you. Get down!

[Man groans]

Drop that gun, Tanner.

I'm telling you, drop it!

[Gunshot]

We've run out of barley sugars.

I--I knew you'd mind,

so I brought you these.

Mmm.

Hmm.

Must be a thousand calories in those.

What about the marron glace?

The Bates brought them.

Oh, Frances came round to say good-bye.

Some people come,

eat you out of house and home,

never bring a thing.

At least the Bates always bring something,

even if it's only flowers from the garden.

Oh, Dr. Applegate called.

I don't know why.

Most of them won't visit nowadays

unless you're on your last legs.

Huh. Money, perhaps.

I think they get more for a home visit.

Why did you change

from Dr. Gregson to Dr. Applegate?

Oh, I didn't think Gregson was helping you

with your problem.

I don't have a problem.

I've got a metabolic condition.

Dr. Applegate gave me a long lecture.

He was very sympathetic.

I rather like Dr. Applegate, actually.

[Chuckle]

No. I think I'll save the chocolates

till tomorrow.

[Man speaking indistinctly on television]

Ahh.

You want some supper?

Good night, Mr. Burge.

Good night, Mavis.

Oh, hello, Johnny.

What are you doing?

I've got...

I think I've got a sty.

Didn't bring me my barley sugar, did you?

Um, I'm so sorry.

There's something wrong with delivery,

so we're still out of stock.

Good. I'm glad.

It was Dr. Applegate helped me to see.

See what?

This eating.

It's all a matter of--of will.

Oh, I know, there's the metabolic, um--

what did he call it?

The metabolic idiosyncrasy, too,

but in the end,

it all comes down to will,

to wanting to be slim.

I've never been a religious person,

but now I know what they mean by conversion.

I've been converted, Johnny.

I've seen the light.

I'm going back to the clinic.

They've set me a target.

Uh, yes.

Um, I'm gonna lose 3 pounds every week.

I'm going to do it--

not just for me, but for you.

That's the important thing.

I've--I've thrown away all that muck--

all the biscuits and marron glace and cakes.

So that box of chocolates I brought you

was a waste of money?

It's not a waste!

I gave it to Frances!

Frances?

But she's gone.

There was a strike at London Airport.

Her flight's been delayed

till this afternoon,

so I gave her the chocs to take on the trip.

I bet she's guzzling those soft centers now

over the Atlantic,

and I don't feel a trace of envy,

not a trace.

I'm gonna make you a wonderful supper.

We're gonna have grated carrots

and lettuce and cottage cheese.

I'll be as thin as a rake, Johnny,

and you'll love me.

You'll tell me you love me.

Captioning made possible by Acorn Media

Captioned by the National Captioning Institute

--www.ncicap.org--