Original subtitles

Mm. Mm, mm, mm.

Oh, does Jacques' have a new chef? What is this?

It is an Eggo

Fancy

Would you mind if I put a little syrup on it?

I would not; we are not that kind of establishment

Mm. Mm, mm, mm.

Mm. Mm, mm, mm.

Mm!

Mm!

It's nice to not have anything in your head, isn't it?

Join us. We're livin' out loud

Okay

Mm! Mm, mm, mm.

-Hey, guys -Hey, Grace

Hey. You know, if you want some breakfast, I'd order now

'cause in about a half an hour the lunch menu kicks in

It is Hot Pockets

Hmm.... I'm gonna wait for the Pocket

Just a reminder tomorrow's my birthday

Just another reminder, my husband abandoned me to help the needy

so the presents need to be bigger and better

I got you something great You want a hint?

No! You know I have to be surprised

Remember two years ago how upset I got when you left your present out for me to find?

"Left it out"?! It was hidden in a storage locker in Queens

That I rented under an assumed name

You bit through a combination lock

Just make sure it doesn't happen again

Oh, poor Grace Alone on her birthday

Yeah, poor Grace

Know why I'm laughing?

'Cause you're single?

No. I've arranged to have Leo come back early

to surprise her for her birthday

-Huh? What? Peas and carrots, peas and carrots? -What? Huh? Hubub, hubub?

Well, how'd you do that, Willona?

It was actually easy

I chartered a camel from Mombasa to take Leo to a landing strip in Malindi

where a gypsy helicopter will fly him to Nairobi

And from there, it's just a short, 32-hour flight with about 15 layovers

I could have flown him direct but it's like a hundred dollars more

I know. Good, right?

No-- I was laughing 'cause-- you know, you're single

Surprise!

Ohh! Ahh!

Aah!

I just broke my favorite bookmark

Wh--where is everybody? And why are you nude?

What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be back till Sunday

It is Sunday

It's Saturday

It can't be. I left on Saturday and I've been on ten planes

and a bus, and what I'm still convinced was an anti-semitic camel

Guess that's why they wouldn't give you the kosher meal

You know, the flights were no picnic either I had to sit through Lilo and Stitch 17 times

Not that I don't appreciate everything you did to get me here

but did you know that for only about $100 more, I could have flown direct?

Oh, you're kidding!

Wow. That, uh... Will, that robe needs pants

Hey. Lotta men wear shorty robes James Caan wears a shorty robe

Look, if there's no party tonight I'm just gonna head home

You know, I'm exhausted,

they lost my luggage and five minutes into the flight

the stewardess spills a tray of orange juice all over me

By the time we flew over London bees had built a hive on my lap

No, no, no. No, you can't go home You'll ruin the surprise

You gotta stay here tonight

Look, you can crash in my bedroom and tomorrow you can help me with the party

How are you with a pastry bag and rosette tips?

I never tried 'em, but why don't we hold each other for awhile

and we'll see how we feel after that?

Hey

What are you doing here?

It's my birthday eve I'm alone. I'm staying over

No, you can't! You--you gotta get out of here!

Why do I have to-- Wait a minute--

You want me out? Oh--you're in a robe

Oh--I smell orange juice

Oh--I have no idea what's going on

All right, look, the gig is up

You want your birthday present?

'Cause I might as well just give it to you now

No, tomorrow It has to be on my real birthday

Well, then, you better get outta here because it's on its way up here

No, no, wait. I don't wanna see it

Well, then, you better get out!

Oh!

Not the elevator! It might be in the elevator Use the stairs

Okay, but first thing tomorrow morning I'm coming over

Good, fine, go

Okay. Oh--

Leave it, leave it, leave it!

Hellooo?

I need you and Karen to keep Grace busy all day tomorrow

I can't, I have plans

I just hooked up with the cute ugly guy from the Kiehl's counter at Barney's

Does he have any of that pineapple papaya facial scrub?

Because everybody's out of it

Thank you

Leo got back a day early

and I don't want them running into each other 'cause it'll ruin the surprise

No problem. I'd be happy to help

Hey, why the long robe?

Come on, get up it's my birthday!

Happy birthday, honey!

Thank you

Okay. Here we are, honey

Surprise!

Whee!

An arcade?!

All this just to bring me to an arcade a block from my apartment?

Why did you have to cover my head?

'Cause your hair's a disaster

Ugh... I fell asleep in my clothes

You'd think after two days this orange juice would have dried

Oh, you got a message from... Air-Picture-of-a-Gazelle

They still haven't found your luggage

Yeah, I knew I was in trouble when my boarding pass was a coconut

I gotta get some stuff for the party

I still can't find a decent vegetable glycerin soap for the guest bathroom

It makes me insane

Anyway, help yourself to whatever's in the fridge

Unless it's marked "party. " Or "Will's."

Oh, and when you wipe down the counter top, use water only

You know what polished concrete's like

I can't believe you haven't found a man

I know

Oh... And if you want a little entertainment while I'm gone, I just got Xanadu on DVD

That finally came out on DVD? I guess all my letter writing paid off

Yeah

You know, there's an extra ten minutes of roller ballet?

That's great, you know,

'cause the first time I saw it the roller ballet felt short

I know. Okay, don't answer the phone and stay put

Don't answer the phone and stay put Okay, I got it. Have fun

Psst-- Like Xanadu?

Who doesn't?

Here you go

Hmmm. Ten extra minutes of roller ballet

Excellent

What's better than a Vanilla Coke and a jalape? chili dog on your birthday?

A breath mint?

Hey, guys

Look what I got from my skee ball tickets It's a monkey on a trapeze

I'm tired of it

Okay. Come on. I wanna go on the Dance Dance Revolution machine

You can't, Grace Somebody's on it

Oh, let me take care of this I'm good with kids

Hey. Puberty Step off!

No way

Okay. Well, wouldn't it be more fun to play with my "make your own fake I.D." kit?

Cool!

Ohh...

Come on, Grace You're up

Remember, just follow the arrows and try to keep up with the beat

Okay, honey, shake your booty Shake your groove thang. Shake your--

Do those move?

Not only do they move, they--

They don't move

Okay, hit it

Oh, please

This is easy

Ooh, okay Here we go

Crap! Crap! Crap! Son of a bitch!

Now I have to pee!

Come on, Jackie Why don't you give it a try?

I don't know, Karen I'm not much of a dancer

Scary bathroom, scary bathroom Gotta find a clean one

Gotta pee! Gotta pee! Gotta pee!

Hello?

Hello?

Who left the seat up?

Sorry. That was me

That's all right

I forgot how good that was

Mm-hmm. If it weren't for my three wives in Africa, I would have forgotten, too

Don't give me that face You're still my favorite

You're an ass I missed you

Me, too

You got anything to eat? I'm starving

All Will had in his fridge was a soothing eye mask. I only got half of it down

When were you at Will's?

I wasn't

-But you just said that you were-- -No, I didn't.

Crap. Will flew me in to surprise you for your birthday

But I got here early, so he's been hiding me in his apartment so I wouldn't ruin the surprise

Oh, my God, that's unbelievable

Wait, does that mean there's not gonna be a real gift?

I feel bad I wrecked it, you know? The poor guy went to so much trouble

I'm not gonna go into the details but it involved a VW bus, a leaky canoe, and a very awkward breakfast with Desmond Tutu

Poor thing

I know. He didn't win the Nobel Prize for chewing with his mouth closed

No. I mean, poor Will

He did all of that just to surprise me 'cause he knows just how much I love surprises

We can't ruin this for him

Well, surprise! It's ruined!

Not necessarily

I mean, I know But he doesn't know that I know

So if you go back to Will's and pretend that you never saw me

then he'll never have to know that I knew

No.

No, "knew".

No! I'm not going back there

There's shorty robes and Xanadu

and coffee mugs that have to go in the exact same place every time!

Come on. He did this for me Do this for him

Now, is there anything different about you from when you left Will's apartment?

I got the orange juice out of my clothes

Aaahh!

Hey! I hope you don't mind I borrowed your shorty robe

Or, as the guy in the laundry room called it, my penis ruffle

You went to the laundry room?! I told you to stay in the apartment!

What if Grace had seen you? What if Grace had been in the laundry room?

She wouldn't be doing laundry but there is a candy machine down there

Get out here; I wanna go over the plan with you

Ah, yes. The plan You had it laminated...

You say that like it's a weird thing

Okay, 6:00, you go over to Jack's and wait there

6:15, everyone will arrive, fun, fun, fun chit-chat, presents. Then

7:30, you wait in the hallway,

I'll open the door, you jump in and yell "surprise!"

Damn it, the coffee cups go up here!

Do I have to draw you a diagram again?

If you are gonna be a guest in this apar--

I saw her, okay? There's no surprise

What?

I--I-- After you left I went to our apartment and Grace saw me

You wh--? Why?

I needed something to wear

I gave you my clothes

Please. Your clothes are too tight on you

Great. This is the worst thing that's ever happened!

Hey, I just came from Africa

Do you have any idea

how many people there are suffering from ruined surprise parties?

Wait a minute

If Grace knows, why did she send you back here?

Because she was so touched by what you did she asked me to play along so I wouldn't spoil the surprise

Aww... This is supposed to be her surprise

but she's more concerned about my joy at seeing her surprised than her own joy at being surprised?

Dude, I don't know I'm just happy to have a dry crotch

Wait, wait... we gotta proceed with this plan You can't tell her I know

It's over, Will. She knows.

Yeah, she knows, and I know but she doesn't know that I know she knows. It can still work

Ahh!

All must be as it was

Oh, my God...

This game is amazing! Honey, look, I'm winning, I'm winning!

Karen, that's a change machine

I don't care what you call it Where do we cash in these buttons?

Hey, guys

Where have you been?

You were gone so long we had to eat your funnel cake

Wait a minute. We're not the only ones eating your funnel cake. You had sex

Come on, give it up Who was it?

I ran into Leo

But you can't tell Will I found out

I mean, I know But he doesn't know I know

And now that you know I know you can't let Will know that you know I know, you know?

No... Do you know?

I think I know But I'm sure I don't care

Okay, you fill him in I need to go pee again

Oddly, the bathroom here is cleaner than the one at home

Poor Grace. Her surprise is ruined. Right?

We should help her, Jackie It's her birthday. She deserves a real surprise

Now put your thinking cap on

What would be a bigger surprise than Leo showing up?

Blanket Michael Jackson I've got it! Leo not showing up

Ah!

Karen, it's beautiful Thank you

You're welcome, honey Happy birthday

Oh, and... See this one right here? It's pure cyanide

So if you're ever in a jam just bite down hard. Wear it in good health

Now, now me, me, open mine

Thanks, Jack

I wouldn't get too excited It's probably just another one of his headshots

It's not a headshot Okay, it's a headshot

Oh, and look. An updated rejume on the back

Ooh, 7:30. Time for my present And it's a big one

Now, let me see... That's funny

Could have sworn I brought it in here

Maybe it's in the hallway

What kind of present would be in the hallway, I wonder?

What do you think it is?

I hope it's another party 'cause this one's a snooze

-Happy-- -Oh, my--

Where is he?

Yeah, where the hell is he? Wait a minute, what do you mean, "he"?

Leo

You knew he was coming?

Of course I knew Didn't you know I knew?

Yeah, I knew you knew, but I didn't want you to know I knew you knew

That I did not know

I just kept up this whole charade 'cause I wanted you to have a good surprise on your birthday

I only did it so that you would have the fun of surprising me

Aww...

Happy birthday

Thank you, sweetie So where's my husband?

Surprise!! He's not coming!

Man, we got you! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Okay, come on. Come on seriously, where is he?

We're not sure.

No. Once we drove him out of town

and dumped him in a ditch it's anybody's guess

What were you thinking?!

You threw him out of a car?!

Hey, calm down

We just thought that it was so sweet that you wanted to surprise Grace

and that she wanted to let you surprise her and, well, we just wanted you both to get what you wanted

Aww...

Wait...

Does any of this look familiar?

Yes, I remember passing this orchard

Oh, there he is! Holding up all those apples

Oh!

That's an apple tree, brainiac

Wait. I smell orange juice Pull over. Pull over!

Why, look, it's Leo

But I thought he was in Africa

Surprise!

Oh, my god, I had no idea! This is the best birthday ever!

Who wants cake?

No, no cake, please I've been stuck out in the cold for two hours

I'm freezing, I'm covered in mud

a weirdly-aggressive deer just tried to mate with me

Oh, now I know where we are

There is no surprise, okay?

We all know it. He knows she knows, and they know

we know, and you know he knows she knows and she knows they know and now everybody knows

I know, so just stop pretending!

Ah, screw it