Original subtitles

Oh, there you are.

Careless newsboy. He never throws you in the same place.

I'm gonna give him a judo chop...

then I'm gonna smack him in the nose...

and I'm gonna twirl him around my head...

and throw him in the girls' gym.

He's rotten.

He's rotten.

Who's rotten? Jack McGinty down at school.

He's a dirty rotten bully and he picks on me...

and pushes me around every day.

I'll kill him!

I'll kill him!

Good evening, all.

Did I overhear my sweet little offshoot contemplating homicide?

Some bully was picking on Eddie at school.

Eddie just wants to massacre him.

I don't care if he's twice as big as I am. I'm gonna stomp him.

Now, Eddie...

sensitive, intelligent creatures such as we...

do not stomp one another.

Any mail today, dear? Yes, dear.

The postman threw it over the wall and then ran away.

This package is for you.

Oh, I'll be darned.

It's from Clyde Thornton.

He's one of the new fellows we hired down at the parlor.

We took on some new men.

We've been operating with a skeleton crew lately.

"From Clyde to Herman."

Ah.

He wants to be friendly.

Maybe it's a watch. I bet it's a neat ring.

Will you look at that!

I'll be darned.

It says, "Press here."

Oh, fudge.

Mean old Clyde.

What a rotten practical joker.

What are you gonna do, Pop? What am I gonna do?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna kill him.

I'm gonna kill him.

I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him.

If you ask me, Eddie should really give it to that McGinty kid...

and Herman, he should clobber Clyde, that practical joker.

No, Grandpa, fighting is wrong, and Herman knows it.

Now, we're Eddie's parents, so you just leave it to us.

We're only trying to bring up the boy...

to get along in this modern world.

That's what's wrong with this family.

They've forgotten how to spoil their children.

Why, for centuries, we Draculas were spoiled rotten.

Yes, but that was in the old country.

Remember that over here they have a Board of Health.

I'll light the candles.

Mmm.

What's for supper?

Big-mouthed bass.

Oh.

Hello in there. Hello out there.

Certainly is fresh.

Weren't you going to have a little talk with Eddie tonight...

about that bully at school?

That's right, dear.

Eddie...

I merely want to point out to you...

the disadvantages of violence.

You mean if that Jackie kid bugs me...

I'm not supposed to fight back?

That's exactly right, Son. You just ignore him.

And sooner or later, no matter how many times he strikes you...

he'll realize the error of his ways...

and become a better citizen for it.

And in the meantime, what is the kid supposed to use for teeth?

Yeah, Pop, and besides...

what about the guy at the parlor who squirted you with ink?

Are you just going to ignore him?

Indeed I am.

I'm going to use patience, fortitude and dignity...

and he will soon abandon...

your dear old dad as the butt of his witticisms.

Okay, Pop if you say so. I'll go along with it.

Because when I grow up, I want to be just like you.

Isn't that touching?

Eddie, you should always listen to your father...

because under that sweet boyish countenance...

he has the wisdom and understanding of an Art Linkletter.

Oh, boy!

It's fresher than I thought.

Looking for somebody, Munster? No.

Hi, Jack. I mean, McGinty.

I thought you'd find me.

Yeah, I found you. There's a question I'd like to ask you.

The answer is no, I don't want a fat lip.

Well, then, what would you do if I just smacked you in the eye?

Nothing.

If I smacked you in the eye, you wouldn't do nothing?

What's the matter? Are you yellow?

No, I'm not yellow. I'm green.

Besides, my pop told me to ignore you when you're beating me up.

He said it would make you a better person.

Your pop told you that?

He sounds like a bigger dope than you even.

He's not a bigger dope than me even.

He is, too.

He is not. Nobody is a bigger dope than me and...

Well, you know what I mean. Well, here's what I mean.

Next time I see you...

I'm going to tear your nose off and put it on backwards.

When you sneeze, you'll blow all your brains out.

Can you imagine Munster's face when he got that ink right in the puss?

I don't know. Seems like a dirty trick to me.

Munster's really a sweet guy. He's just a big dope.

Wait till you see what happens when he opens his locker. Oh, boy.

Good morning, Uriah. Good morning, Munster.

Good morning, Clyde. Hi, Munster.

Say, that was quite a surprise package you got last night.

Yeah, that was quite a surprise, Clyde.

Well, don't let it bother you, Munster.

That's just my way of getting acquainted.

Yeah.

You're quite a card, aren't you, Clyde?

Let me warm that up for you, Grandpa.

Thank you.

I wonder how Eddie made out with the bully today.

Hi, Eddie. Hi.

Hello, Eddie.

Did everything go all right at school today?

No, everything went wrong.

Did you run into the bully?

Yeah, I ran into the bully.

Did you fight back?

No, I ignored him like Pop said.

Well, now. And how did your father's theory work?

I think Pop's theory has a few wrinkles in it.

Oh, dear me. My poor baby.

There, that will take the swelling down.

Herman and his philosophy. What will we do now?

Eddie, take a tip from me.

Next time the bully picks on you...

do what your dear old grandpa would do.

Give him a bite right in the neck.

Hi, you guys.

Hello, Eddie.

What's for supper? Well, Herman...

your son went to school today and he followed your advice...

and look what happened.

Well, look at the steak on your son's eye.

Aren't you going to do something about it?

You're darn tooting I am.

Eddie...

as Sonny Liston said after his last fight...

I think it's time to sit down and reevaluate our philosophy.

Now, Eddie, watch closely.

First, you feint with your left...

and then you pulverize him with your right.

How does that grab you? Neat.

I thought you didn't like violence, Pop.

I don't, Son. But I think we should be prepared at all times and...

we don't want any more black eyes, do we? Uh-uh.

If we don't do something by tomorrow, we'll run out of eyes.

Come on over here and let's work out on this body bag.

Body bag?

Why can't we use a real body?

All the time substitutes.

Now, Eddie...

you go first.

This is Jack McGinty...

and he's just called you a terrible name.

What did he call me?

Tutti-frutti?

Nobody's gonna call me a tutti-frutti. Let me at him.

Fine, Son. Hold it.

Leave some for me.

Well, Clyde Thornton...

the time has come for your comeuppance.

Show him a little speed, Herman.

What's that?

What did you say?

Nobody calls me old droopy drawers and gets away with it.

Sorry, Grandpa.

Eddie, you forgot to wash behind your points.

Well, Son, I'm off to the office and you're off to school.

Now, remember what I taught you.

Right, Pop. Sure thing.

Herman, you haven't been encouraging Eddie to fight, have you?

Why, certainly not, dear.

We Munsters only fight when provoked.

Right, Eddie?

Hey, Munster.

Are you provoking me?

Huh?

I dare you to say that again.

Huh?

Okay, you just provoked me.

What's the idea? I thought your pop told you to ignore me.

Yeah. But he taught me to ignore you in a new way.

Hey, Clyde, what on earth are you doing?

I'm rigging up another practical joke for that Munster.

This is gonna be a shocker.

See, he walks in here...

he steps in this puddle...

then he reaches for the handle, and...

whammo!

He gets 120 volts right through that big stupid carcass of his.

Pretty good, Clyde, but aren't you asking for it?

He's pretty big, you know. I wouldn't want to tangle with him.

Listen, Uriah, the bigger they are, the harder they fall.

Fellows, I'll have this taken care of in a jiffy.

Would you mind holding this...

We must keep our streets tidy.

Do you still plan to play that practical joke on him?

Play a joke on a guy like that? Have you lost your mind?

Say, I've got to get that thing unrigged before he gets here.

Oh, boy, I can hardly wait for old Clyde Thornton to provoke me.

First he's gonna say:

"Hi, Herman. How's tricks?"

Then I'm gonna say:

"Pretty good, Clyde. How are you?"

Then he's gonna offer me a loaded cigar...

then I'm gonna let him have it.

My hands are shaking so hard I can't get these wires loose.

Hi, everybody.

Herman.

Come over here and say that.

Herman, old friend.

Buddy, pal.

I thought you might like to hear an apology from me for all those...

terrible jokes I've been playing on you.

Never mind that, Clyde.

What goes with my locker?

Oh, uh.

Oh, that? Well, that is a...

That's a new practical joke that I've been working on...

to play on myself.

Yeah, you see, I...

I step in this puddle of water...

then I...

put my hand on the handle...

Isn't that the funniest thing you ever saw?

Yeah, that's a real gas.

Now listen, Clyde...

I'll tell you what I want you to do.

I want you to get up off that floor and provoke me.

And then you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna knock your head off.

And then I'm gonna go out for coffee.

Did you hear me? I said get up.

No!

Please, Herman, don't let me have it. I'm really sorry.

I've got four kids at home and a mother-in-law I'm supporting.

No fooling?

I'm not kidding anymore.

Well, okay.

But no more jokes.

Promise? Oh, I promise.

Let's shake on that.

I got you.

Hot dog.

Now I'm a full-fledged bully.

There's nothing Herman likes better than a tossed fruit salad.

A can of peaches to give it body.

Where are the boys now? They're all three in the living room.

Isn't that wonderful? They get together in the evening...

talk over the events of the day.

It's all so warm and friendly.

And then I let the bully have it with the old one-two.

And you should have seen what I did...

to Clyde Thornton, the practical joker down at the office.

I really let him have it with the old hand buzzer.

You see, I told you a little brute force...

would take care of your problems.

Just like the old days. The whole family out for blood.

And you know what I'm gonna do tomorrow?

I'm gonna march right into that office...

and squirt that practical joker Clyde Thornton

right in the nose with some water.

And then I'm gonna offer him a loaded cigar.

He ought to get a bang out of that.

When I get back to school...

I think I'll beat up the whole fifth grade for good measure.

Boy, oh, boy!

Eddie, go to your room.

But, Mom, us guys were having a ball clobbering guys.

Eddie, go to your room.

And, Herman, I want to talk to you.

I think I'll go down in the lab.

I've a few things hanging up to dry.

Grandpa, you stay here.

Do I gather that you're upset about something, dear?

Herman Munster, that was the school principal on the phone.

Eddie beat up two boys today. And he has threatened the entire class.

You have turned our son, our sweet son, into a bully.

Now, there is one thing that I will not tolerate in this family.

And that is violence. Understand?

I'm beginning to see your point.

Now, right after supper, I want you to have a little talk with Eddie...

and undo the damage you've done.

I tell you, I will not have brutality in this household.

And another thing.

Stop hiding behind that sofa when I'm trying to talk to you.

Yes, dear.

Lily, I'm hungry.

Do I have to hang around all morning waiting for breakfast?

All right, Grandpa. Pancakes coming up.

Thank you.

Did Uncle Herman walk Eddie to school this morning?

That's right, Marilyn. He wanted to show Eddie...

that you don't have to be a bully to command respect.

If you walk with your head held high, and with dignity...

then people will step aside for you.

Boy, Pop, you sure were right when you said...

when you walk with your head held high...

people sure do get out of your way.

Well, that's the way it goes, Eddie.

Some people just have it, some people don't.