Original subtitles

I forgot my key.

That's all right, dear. We'll get a new door in the morning.

Sorry to be late, dear, but I got in a little argument...

with a client down at the parlor over money.

What was the trouble?

He thought our carrying charges were too high.

But that's ridiculous, dear. Your prices are very reasonable.

As it is, you go into the hole three or four times a week.

How was your day, dear? Oh, about as usual, except for Eddie.

What's wrong with him?

He came home from school and ran and hid in the den.

I'll go speak to him.

Hi, Spot.

At least you're in a good mood.

Eddie!

Hi, son.

Your mother tells me you're upset.

What seems to be the trouble?

We had tryouts for the track team today...

I was so rotten, the guys made up a nickname for me:

lead foot.

Isn't that disgusting?

Imagine anyone calling my sweet Eddie baby "lead foot."

Starting the first thing in the morning...

I'm gonna start training you in track.

And before long, instead of calling you "lead foot"...

they'll be calling you "speedy."

Pop, you think you can do it?

Eddie, I'm gonna turn you into...

a beautifully coordinated runner...

as graceful as a gazelle...

and as delicately balanced as a fine watch.

Just like your old dad.

Eddie, let that be your first athletic lesson:

You can't win them all.

♪♪

Lily! Lily!

Lily.

Yes, Grandpa? Where is Herman?

I was gonna play a little three-handed cribbage...

and I thought he'd lend me a hand.

He's out in the front yard, training Eddie in track and field events.

He says he wants his son to be a carbon copy of himself.

Lily, that's impossible. Men like Herman are made, not born.

I better go out and see how they're doing.

Good idea. He can use your experience.

Take your shovel with you. He said he's going to dig a pole vault pit.

Oh, Grandpa.

This is the shot put.

Here, let me have that.

Now, Eddie, putting the shot...

is a matter of putting your whole body...

into the throw and following through.

Now just watch this.

Stand here.

So much for the shot put.

Now, for the discus.

Herman, please.

Will you stop all this nonsense?

Nonsense? Yes.

If the boy wants to run and jump better than the other kids...

let me help him with my magic.

Magic? Yes.

Certainly not, Grandpa.

In the true tradition of sportsmanship...

I'm gonna see to it that Eddie does this with honesty, integrity...

and hard work.

Oh, boy, just my luck.

I had to get stuck with a son-in-law...

who wants to do everything the hard way.

Eddie, you're gonna do this all on your own merits.

And you wouldn't have it any other way, would you?

No, sir. That's my boy.

Now let's see. Oh, I know.

I'll show you how to broad jump. Now watch this.

Gee, Dad, do you think I'll ever be able to do that?

Eddie, will you get me out of here? My feet are getting soaked.

I must have broken a water pipe.

But I tell you, Ralph...

the cannonball came flying through the air and hit the fender.

Oh, that's great.

Just wait till I tell that to the insurance company.

There, dear. How does that fit? It hangs beautifully.

Doesn't it, though?

These remnants that Herman brings home...

from the lining room at the parlor...

make lovely pleated skirts.

And, Grandpa, you're so good at sewing things together.

Well, with Herman in the family, you develop a knack for it.

And now, Eddie, the proper form for throwing the discus.

Now watch very closely.

Just like a Greek statue.

That was neat, Pop. But how will you get it back?

I took the precaution of putting my name and address on that one.

And now, Eddie, for the pole vault.

Now pay strict attention.

Lily, if Eddie wants to run and jump...

Herman should have let me use my magic.

The only way that...

Herman! Where did you come from?

Just teaching Eddie how to pole vault.

That's the general idea, son. Only when you get to the top...

remember to let go.

Herman, I know you mean well...

trying to help little Eddie make the track team...

but don't you think you're pushing him beyond his abilities?

Oh, I could quit.

I could stop giving up all my spare time...

to make my boy into a superstar...

but I would not be fulfilling my obligations...

as an American father.

There goes a fine husband.

There goes a fine father.

There goes a nut, if I have ever seen one.

Believe me, I was driving along when this...

flying saucer went sailing right through the windshield.

You know, honey, this story makes the one about the cannon ball...

sound almost logical.

What's Eddie doing now? The high jump.

Did he clear the bar?

Yeah, he went completely under it.

Oh, dear. Lily...

so far Herman has had him practicing three events this morning...

and he's gotten worse in each one.

How did everything go at practice today, dear?

Okay, I guess.

Gosh, I've just got to make it for the big spring meet!

Well, son, ready to give that cross-country run the old college try?

Yeah, if you say so, Dad.

Now, I think Eddie's had enough for one day.

Yes. Herman, why don't you try the cross-country run alone?

Wire us when you get to Phoenix.

I must say one thing about your grandfather. He's all heart.

Come on, son.

Just a few more pushups and then we'll head for the showers.

Grandpa, can't you do something to help Eddie?

I don't think Herman's training is going to be enough.

Don't worry, Lily, the wheels are already turning.

I'm working on a pill that will speed Eddie up.

Eddie has his heart set on that spring track meet...

and I'm going to see that he wins in every event at that meet.

Grandpa, I don't think we should.

I mean, a pill? Herman would...

How strong can you make it?

Igor, my friend, keep your wings crossed.

I think I've finally found the ingredients...

to make Eddie a speed champion.

Here we have a derby that I had flown in from Kentucky.

Now, for added measure...

here is a feather from the world's fastest bird, the ostrich.

Quiet, stupid, you're not a bird.

You're a mouse who joined the Transylvania Air Corps.

And for jumping... a bit of lint...

from the pouch of a kangaroo.

♪♪

And to top it off, a touch of greased lightning.

Now I've got to convert this into pills.

Let's see. Oh, yes. There we are.

My pill converter.

♪♪

Will you be quiet? I know it's bad luck, but I have my reasons.

Now come on, get under here.

Lily!

The mad scientist has done it again!

Grandpa, I know how much Eddie wants to win at that track meet...

but I'm still wondering if it's right for you to help him with your magic.

Listen, with the Draculas, magic is a family tradition.

I mean we owe it to Eddie to give him every advantage.

Would you have stopped Nero's father from giving his kid violin lessons?

No, I guess not.

And take Samson and Delilah.

Would you have kept her father

from sending his little girl to barber school?

Well, no. There you are. You can't fight history.

We owe it to Eddie to give him the benefit of our family traditions.

Oh, father...

you make everything so clear and concise and logical.

It's almost like having David Brinkley for a daddy!

Gee, Pop, after that bowl of oatmeal and those six eggs...

I'm not very hungry. Eddie...

what am I? You're my coach and my trainer.

Right.

And as your trainer and your coach,

it is my responsibility to see to it...

that you eat the proper food in the right amount.

Hey, Dad, I don't have my track shoes.

They're in the hall closet. I'll go get them.

Eddie. Coach is too wise for any tricks like that.

I'll go get them for you. You just start working on that meat.

Yes, sir. Coach.

Here, Spot. Here, Spottie.

And you said you weren't hungry.

But, Eddie, you must be more careful, son.

That is a piece of your mother's best bone china.

And you know how hard it is to get good bones these days.

There's the future champ and his trainer.

Eddie, Grandpa has some vitamins for you.

Go ahead, take one. Now wait a minute.

I'm the trainer here...

and I will decide what my protégé...

will take and what he won't take.

Allow me to examine these therapeutic capsules here.

Boy! What are you, the fourth Mayo Brother?

Guess it wouldn't hurt to have Eddie try one.

Go ahead, son. Just one, Eddie.

By the way, son, I couldn't find your track shoes.

I'll get them.

Look at him go.

Just shows what a high protein diet can do.

Herman, what are you doing? It's time to leave for the track meet.

I'm just clearing a place on the mantle, dear, for our cups and plaques.

I've decided to make this our trophy room.

Herman, if your head gets any bigger,

you're gonna pop your bolts again.

This is Eddie's day and I don't want you hogging the credit.

Dear, I have no such intention.

When the photographers crowd around us at the finish line...

I am going to insist that Eddie have his picture taken alone.

That's very modest, dear.

I think a picture of me...

insisting that Eddie have his picture taken alone...

would be very good human interest stuff.

Oh, Herman!

Eddie, it's time to go.

Yeah, time to go, champ.

Lily, they're gone. The pills are gone!

Oh, no. What pills?

The ones we've been giving Eddie every day.

You mean the vitamins?

What's the fuss? They aren't going to make any difference.

Eddie! No difference?

Herman, I'll have you know that those Go-Go pills...

have been giving Eddie his speed.

Grandpa, you aren't gonna try and horn in on the credit, are you?

Herman, I'm afraid it's true. Grandpa made them in the lab.

And the first day Eddie took them...

they made all the difference in the world.

Lily, you are not going to shake my confidence, dear...

with a wild tale like that.

You're just making it up, aren't you?

But it's not true.

It was my coaching that did it.

There aren't any pills. You're just making it up.

It's a lie! It's a lie! It's a lie!

Did you look in the kitchen? Yep. They're all gone.

Darn! Darn! Darn! Darn! Darn! Darn!

Hermie, baby, now don't get upset. Everything may be all right.

That's right. Eddie's been taking those pills all week.

Maybe he's built up enough reserve to carry him through.

Do you think so, Mumsie? Yes, Poopsie.

Now, dry your tears. Here comes Eddie.

And welcome, ladies and gentlemen...

boys and girls...

to the big spring track meet.

There's Eddie!

Oh, my, the poor dear.

Where's Herman?

Will all contestants for the first event of the day...

the 100-yard dash, report immediately to the starting line.

Look, he's winning! My pills are still working.

The winner of the 100-yard dash in record time is...

Eddie Munster.

Son, this is the proudest day of my life.

I'm real proud of you, too, Dad.

But I wish you'd have been coaching the rest of the team.

The eighth grade still needs a first in the high hurdles to win the meet.

I'm afraid it's a little bit too late.

They're already lining up to run.

But couldn't you go over and give our guy...

a little pep talk, Jimmy Bracket?

I suppose so. Which one is he? Number 14.

Fourteen. Okay.

Say, Jimmy.

Jimmy Bracket?

Go, Jimmy, go!

Go, Jimmy.

Gee, Pop, you did it again.

You're the greatest coach in the whole world.

Thank you, son. I guess I do have a certain touch.

I just wish I knew what it was.

What pills are you talking about, Grandpa?

The ones you say were lost?

It's nothing important, Eddie.

It was those vitamin pills you were taking, dear.

Vitamin pills?

They aren't lost. I've got plenty of those.

What? What?

Vitamin pills?

Well, I never took them after the first time.

But you ran so fast at the meet.

I thought I just had to win for Dad's sake. He looked so sad.

Eddie, you mean you weren't taking my A-Go-Go pills?

I hope you won't be mad, Grandpa.

But the first one tasted so terrible, I never took another.

I've just been putting them in here.

You see that, Grandpa and Lily?

It was my training, and the inspiration of his old dad...

that made my boy the champion that he is.

Let me have those magic speed pills.

There.

That should be a lesson to all of us...

not to resort to magic to help our son.

Our little Eddie is going to grow up...

to be a normal average American boy.

My dear daughter, you don't know what you're saying.

Have you taken a good look lately...

at the average normal American boy?

Nevertheless, I agree with Lily.

And that's the way it's gonna be.

And I don't think your A-Go-Go pills...

were any good anyway, you old faker.

Oh, yeah? Yeah!

You ran the car into the lamp post because what?

You see, darling, I was driving down the street...

when all of a sudden I saw this cat chasing this big dog up a tree.

All right, Gwendolyn, that does it!

You are now off the road for life!