Original subtitles

Listen, if you're going to shoot, go ahead and shoot.

Let's get it over with.

I just have a few more adjustments to make.

Hurry up, Pop.

Yes, we've been sitting here for half an hour.

Herman, we're all happy that you have a new hobby...

but you don't have to be so fussy.

Lily, dear. Please.

Aperture: f/5.6.

Exposure: 1/500.

Light meter: medium.

22 to 26.

Herman, we can't sit still this long.

What do you think we are, a bunch of stiffs?

Yes, Herman. Please hurry up.

Focus angle: 3.9.

There. All set.

Now, everyone hold that pose.

Lily dear, would you move over? But...

I have the automatic shutter timer set.

I'm gonna be in the picture, too.

Now, when I count to three everyone say "cheese."

Can I say Limburger?

Now, cut that out.

One.

Two.

Three.

I don't remember setting it for that.

Now, Eddie...

I want you to practice your lesson for a full hour.

But, gee, Mom. Pop promised me that we could go out and look for neat stuff...

under rocks this afternoon.

Your father's not here.

He went downtown with that silly camera of his to take pictures.

Now you just sit there...

and practice and keep at it.

Do I have to?

Yes.

You just sit there and practice your dirges.

Some day you may want to enter your father's business...

and start a parlor of your own.

♪♪

Psst...

Eddie.

What is it, Grandpa?

I was down in the dungeon and I heard you playing my favorite song.

Yeah, I have to practice my darn organ lessons.

Don't worry, I've got something here that will eliminate practice...

and make you an instant virtuoso.

That's a neat-looking pill. What's in it?

There's a lot of good stuff in here.

There's five bars from a Chopin nocturne...

one of Paderewski's hangnails...

an E-minor chord from the organ at Westminster Abbey...

a doorknob off the Grand Canyon Suite...

and three...

three, mind you, sequins from Liberace's jacket.

Go ahead and try it. Go ahead.

Darn.

Well, back to the drawing board.

I gotta stop reading the Racing Form while I'm mixing these magic pills.

Eddie.

What are you doing?

I thought I heard a bugle call.

Well, I...

It was only me.

You silly bird. Now you stop that and let Eddie practice.

What kind of pictures is Pop gonna take?

People and statues.

And he even talked about photographing...

the new Mockingbird Heights National Bank building.

I guess it's okay for Pop to have a hobby.

Yes, but I hope he doesn't get into trouble with this one.

Remember last time?

He tried to build a ship inside a bottle.

We had to break the bottle to get him out.

It's right on this corner, Rod.

The Mockingbird Heights National Bank building.

We'll have the getaway car right here on the side street.

Right. And we'll hit it at 3:00, just before closing.

And if anybody gets in our way, it'll be bang, bang, bang!

Just like in the old George Raft movies.

Here we are, you cute little ducks, you.

Madame, would you mind holding that pose?

That certainly is an old-fashioned bathing suit.

Oh, boy.

This ought to make a great shot.

Holy mackerel!

My, my, some of those great men are so neurotic.

It's almost 3:00.

I guess I'll go over and take a picture of the bank.

I might run into some interesting shooting there.

Eddie.

Will you go outside and pick up the afternoon paper?

Your father's busy in the lab developing pictures with Grandpa.

Gee, Mom. I'm not through brushing Spot yet.

You can do that later.

Okay.

Come on, Spot. Let go.

Spotty, be a good boy and let Eddie go.

And Mommy will give you a nice fresh manhole cover to eat with your din-din.

Now, we'll have a look at the pictures.

First picture.

That's a lovely shot... of an empty lake!

There was a little old lady feeding ducks.

But she decided to go swimming instead.

That's a great one.

That's a great one!

A pedestal with no statue on it.

Heck, Daniel Boone was standing there, big as life.

But either he's camera-shy or...

he had to go someplace in a hurry.

At least in this one, you got some people in the picture.

That's the front of the Mockingbird Heights National Bank building.

Hey, who are those men...

running out of the bank carrying canvas bags?

I guess they're some depositors.

See, they left in such a hurry, they still have fountain pens in their hands.

Wait a minute.

Those are the first fountain pens I ever saw that had triggers on them.

Those men are carrying guns!

Guns? That's right, guns!

"Mockingbird Heights National Bank was held up by two men with guns.

"It is reported an unidentified bystander was taking pictures of the bank...

"at the time of the robbery.

"The police are now seeking this unknown photographer."

How do you like that?

A perfect job and somebody's gotta be taking our picture.

Come to think of it, there was a guy with a camera...

standing next to a weird-looking car across the street.

It looked kind of like a hearse. Yeah.

There can't be two cars like that in the whole world.

We gotta track it down...

and get to this "unknown photographer" before the cops do.

What if the guy won't come across with the picture?

Then we'll put this candid cameraman into a permanent darkroom.

Six feet underground.

Now, Herman, I want you to listen carefully.

"This afternoon the Mockingbird Heights National Bank...

"was held up by two men with guns."

Herman, what time were you down at the bank taking pictures?

About 3:00.

"The daring holdup took place at 3:00 p.m."

Funny, I didn't notice it.

Very funny.

"Brandishing guns, the two men ran out of the bank and made their getaway."

Now, Herman, in your hand you have a picture of two men...

running out of the bank brandishing guns.

The picture was taken at 3:00.

I want you to think a minute.

Just put two and two together, and what have you got?

That's easy.

Four.

No.

Well, it's not seven.

Unless it's that new math I've heard about.

May I read further?

Pray do.

"Police have learned that an unidentified man with a camera...

"may have photographed the bandits as they made their escape.

"This man is being sought by the authorities."

Herman.

Do you know who the man is that took the picture?

I think you want the real Herman Munster to stand up please.

Herman.

These two men are desperate criminals, and you have the evidence...

that could identify them.

Oh, boy. Then I'm a hero!

I'm a hero!

You may wind up as a dead hero.

No, Lily.

And I may get a reward.

You know, dear, I've never gotten a reward in my whole life.

But this time I have a feeling...

I'm really going to get it.

Yeah, Rod.

This is that weird-looking car we saw across from the bank.

And this must be where our friend the photographer lives.

Boy, what a funny looking house.

There's a lot of strange people in the world.

As soon as he opens the door, we blast him, huh?

No, where's your manners?

We try to con him into giving us the picture.

If that doesn't work, then we blast him.

Now, Herman.

You telephone the police, and you tell them that you have the picture.

Do you understand? Yes, dear.

I'll go in and fix lunch.

Hello there.

Do you see what I see?

Yeah.

Either there's something wrong...

or we've got the world's worst hangover.

Won't you come in?

We understand you got a picture of the bank robbery today.

That's right.

I was right there on the spot.

Fine. We're from the Daily Chronicle.

We'd like to purchase that photograph.

I'll be darned.

I was just about to call the police on the telephone...

and tell them I had the picture.

But now I don't have to tell them.

Thank you.

You saved me 10 cents.

You got the picture on you?

Yes, I have it right here.

Say, you two guys look very familiar.

Could we have met before?

Could it have been last Saturday at the Kiddies' Matinee?

Look, we'll give you $100, you give us the picture. How about it?

$100? Yeah.

Clyde, you got yourself a deal.

Listen, here's a coincidence.

These two gentlemen in the picture look exactly like you.

They're even dressed the same way. Funny little hat and that neck...

It wasn't at the Kiddies' Matinee, was it?

It sure wasn't.

And these ain't lollipops, either.

We interrupt our program at this time

for a special news bulletin.

The bandits who held up the Mockingbird Heights National Bank...

are still at large.

Police believe they are hiding out in a private residence until the heat is off.

All citizens, be on the alert.

These men are dangerous.

Now, back to our music.

♪♪

Look, we're gonna have to hole up here until the heat's off.

But it's not doing my ulcer any good sitting here, staring at you guys.

Why don't you go about your everyday living?

But no funny business or we'll blast you.

Do you mean you want us to carry on as though you weren't here?

Yeah, that's it, lady.

Thank you.

Well...

first things first.

There goes another hobby.

♪♪

This is normal living?

Let's go in the other room.

Hey.

What do you think you're doing?

I was just going to feed the family pet. You sure?

Of course.

Here, Spotty.

Come and get it!

Okay, you win. It's your deal.

Hey, Lou.

I can't take anymore of these weirdoes. Let's give ourselves up.

Cool it. They're just putting on an act to make us crack up.

Yeah, and it's working, too. Not with me, it isn't.

Come on, we'll just ignore them. This way.

I just finished tarnishing the candelabrum, Aunt Lily.

Good. They look much better.

It's a little too dark in here. I'll turn them on.

That does it. Listen to me, all of you!

Quiet!

Everybody, into the living room!

Come on, let's go.

Come on, you, too. Go on.

I want all of you to stop all this kooky stuff you're doing!

But, sir, you said if we all went about... Forget what I said.

I want you to sit over there and not do nothing.

Do you hear me? Nothing!

Do you hear me? Nothing!

That's better.

Nice kitty.

Here, kitty.

They look okay.

We better take a look around and see nobody is closing in on us.

Boy.

This Little Orphan Annie sure gets herself into a mess.

I'm sorry I got us all into this, but...

gee, I was having such fun with my range finder, my light meter. Adjusting...

Herman, will you stop babbling?

Grandpa has figured a way out.

Yes.

If I could get down to my laboratory, I could save us.

First, I'd write a note to the police.

Then I'd mix a potion, changing myself into a homing pigeon.

A homing pigeon, of course, whose home is the police station.

Then I'd open the window, fly to the police station...

drop the note, telling the police where to come and rescue us.

The only trouble is, how can I get down to my laboratory...

with those men right in the kitchen.

Yes, and they'll be back in a few minutes.

No, they won't.

Because Herman is going into the kitchen right now and stall them.

I'm going to the...

I am?

Yes, you are.

Well, in that case, I guess I am.

Boy, the whole neighborhood is swarming with cops.

Yeah, lucky we're here.

This dump makes a great hideout. Yeah.

Hey, green boy, how come you're not in the living room?

Well, I just came in here to stall...

I mean to see if you were comfortable.

Would you care for some milk or some cookies or something?

No, thank you.

Lou, I think they're trying to pull

something. Let's get back in the living room.

Out of our way.

Say, have you two guys ever heard the joke

about the astronaut and the Playboy bunny?

No.

I wish you had, because it sounds like a great one.

Hey, where's that old man?

What old man is that?

The old creep with the monkey suit who was sitting right there.

I didn't see any creep. Did you see any creep, Marilyn?

No, I didn't see any creep.

Did you see any creep, Eddie?

No, I didn't see any creep.

You see, nobody saw any creep.

If I ever get out of this, I'm going straight.

"Dear Police, we are being held captive here at 1313 Mockingbird Lane...

"by the bank robbers.

"Yours very truly, the Munsters."

Now, for my pigeon potion.

Let me see here.

"Stool, tame, fantail...

"wild, carrier, tumbling...

"pouting." There it is!

"Homing Pigeon Potion."

Hey, Rod. A trap door.

Pigeon potion, give me transportation to that good old Police Station.

Hey...

There's the old creep. What are you up to?

Me? Yeah.

I was just mixing myself a little cocktail.

I always have a cocktail this time of the afternoon.

A cocktail?

With what's been going on around this joint, that's just what I need.

Hold it, Rod. It could be a Mickey or something.

It can't be. The old ghoul was going to drink it himself.

Yeah, that's right. Hold it.

I could use a little belt myself.

Hope you like this, gentlemen.

Cheers. Cheers.

Not bad. Let's have another one.

Yeah. We can't fly on one wing.

Call me an old ghoul, will you? Now, shoo! Up the stairs.

Police station. Sgt. Baker speaking.

Sergeant.

I just wanted to tell you that those two robbers...

who held up the bank this morning...

they're on their way down to the station to turn themselves in.

Sure they are.

We got another crank on the phone.

That's right, they'll be flying in any moment now.

This guy's a beaut.

The crooks will be "flying in any moment now."

Hey, Sergeant, look!

Hey, wait a minute.

Two birds did just fly in.

They're there?

Yes, sir, they're here.

Hey, this is handy. They come with their own evidence.

Come on. Let's get going.

I got to get more fresh air. I've been behind this desk too long.

Boy, Grandpa, you were great. You saved all our lives.

You were absolutely brilliant, turning those men into pigeons.

I'll never yell at you again for being a mad scientist.

It was nothing.

Wait. Where is Herman?

Isn't he going to even congratulate his father-in-law for being such a big hero?

He went down to clean up the lab.

Oh, no. The lab.

I left the whole bottle of my pigeon potion on the desk.

What am I saying?

Of course he's not stupid enough to drink...

He must have drunk the potion.

Is that really Pop?

Darn!

That's my birdbrain, Herman!

You call that a bird?