Original subtitles

Eddie, get your surfboard in the car.

We're ready for the beach. Okay, Mom.

Well, I'm all set.

With a little luck, I might dig up a couple of old friends.

Is the hamper all packed, Aunt Lily? Yes.

I even brought a jar of ants.

Good idea. Yes.

It would be just our luck to get there...

and have none of the little dears show up and spoil our picnic.

Here comes Pop.

Pop, are you really going to go swimming when we get to Paradise Cove?

When we get to Paradise Cove...

I'm gonna swim out way over my head and everything.

You can meet up with some very interesting things way out in the briny deep.

So much for the national news.

We have a report of a Russian trawler in local waters right off Paradise Cove.

So far, they've stayed beyond the three-mile limit...

and they claim to be fishing.

But who knows what the results of this little fishing expedition may be.

What a beautiful spot. Yes.

But it certainly was strange, dear.

Those hundreds of people running off the beach just as we arrived.

Well, it's probably just another one of those jellyfish scares.

Herman, where are you going?

Hmm?

Where are you going?

I'm going scuba diving, dear.

And if I run into any tasty-looking scubas...

I'll spear one, we can clean it, and have it for supper.

Come on, Grandpa.

Let's find a spot where I can bury you in the sand.

Okay, Eddie, but this time bury me deep.

I don't want any crazy dogs digging me up like last time.

That Russian trawler spotted off our coast...

is still in the vicinity of Paradise Cove.

They have their nets out and they are still beyond the three-mile limit.

Well, good fishing, comrades.

Come on, Grandpa.

Okay, let's go.

These wolf burgers are almost done.

Eddie, go down to the water and call your father for lunch.

And by the way...

where did you bury Grandpa?

I sort of forget. He's around here someplace.

Hey, Dad!

Dad!

Mom, I don't see Pop anywhere.

Nonsense, Eddie. He's right over there...

Heavens to Betsy, he's gone!

Oh, dear. I hope nothing's happened to him.

I knew I shouldn't have let him go in the water without his sea horsie.

Aunt Lily, what are we going to do?

Eddie, here, take this and poke around for your grandpa.

I think I found him.

Can't a body even get some shuteye around here?

Grandpa, something's happened.

We think that Herman's been washed out to sea.

So what's the problem? He's Sanforized.

We've got to find him.

I hope a whale hasn't eaten my pop.

I wanted him to help me with my homework tonight.

Why did he take up that silly scuba diving hobby?

You know, Lily, when Herman gets caught up in a hobby...

he really gets caught up in it.

Good night.

Well...

Scuba dooba do.

Oh, yeah? Well, the same to you, Charlie.

What did the Bureau of Missing Persons say, Grandpa?

Well, they say that Herman didn't qualify.

Didn't qualify?

He's missing, isn't he?

He qualifies as missing, but when I described him...

they said he didn't qualify as a person.

Oh!

My poor pussycat.

Where, oh, where can he be?

I don't know how I'm gonna make you chaps understand me.

You speak English!

Well, isn't it a small world.

Yes, I speak English.

Me speak English.

Me speak English.

Well... Where did you learn it? On the TV.

We watch Russian reruns, Dobie Gillis.

I'll be darned. TV.

It certainly is a great medium for cultural exchange.

You very valuable anthropological find.

Thank you.

I do my best.

Uh...

Say, listen, have you fellas heard any good jokes lately?

I heard a keen one the other day:

What has four wheels and flies?

Could be new secret weapon.

Come on.

You're supposed to ask me, "What has four wheels and flies?"

Okay, sea monster.

What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

A garbage truck?

Garbage truck.

Say, listen. You're a very good group.

Here's another one that'll really grab you.

Trawler number 47.

Reports finding missing link near the United States of America.

Definitely puts Russians ahead in missing link race.

Please advise.

Composite picture en route...

to Commissar on missing links.

Answer immediately.

This report top-secret.

Repeat. Top-secret.

I've just got a Russian top-secret.

First one of the day. Good work. What is it?

That's from a Russian trawler just off our coast.

They radioed Moscow.

They found a missing link in their fishing net.

Claim it's a scientific breakthrough.

What's this missing link look like?

Here is a composite we just drew up from the Russian ship's description of it.

I can't imagine...

what that's the missing link to.

Just a minute.

Moscow is sending another top-secret back to the Russian ship.

"Stupid idiots.

"From your description, this is not missing link.

"You have obviously captured new kind of American spy."

An American spy.

You'd better get this over to the State Department right away.

They won't be back from lunch yet. It's only 3:00.

That's a chance we're going to have to take. Go on and get over there.

How often do the Russians capture an American spy?

This is an emergency. Yes, sir.

Well, Grandpa, Herman is nowhere to be found.

Have you gotten anything on that crystal ball of yours?

Wait a minute.

I'm adjusting the fine tunings.

Hold it.

I think I'm getting something now.

What is it? I see an ocean.

I see a boat. Do you see Pop?

Now hold it. It's coming in clear now.

There he is. I see Herman. What's he doing?

He's on a ship...

and he is leading up a bunch of funny-looking men in community singing.

That's ridiculous.

But, Lily, I saw it. It was right there.

That crystal ball has never been the same...

since Spot sat on it for three days and tried to hatch it.

♪ Down by the station ♪

♪ Early in the morning ♪

♪ See the little puffer bellies ♪

♪ Standing in a row ♪

♪ See the engine driver ♪

♪ Pulling on his throttle ♪

♪ Toot, toot! ♪

♪ Toot, toot! ♪

♪ Tweet, tweet! ♪

♪ Tweet, tweet! ♪

♪ Off we go ♪

Now, everybody.

♪ See the engine driver ♪

♪ pulling on his throttle ♪

♪ Toot, toot! ♪

♪ Tweet, tweet! ♪

♪ Off we go ♪♪

Herman, you've got to stop singing.

Why? What's the matter? Was I off-key?

I just contact Moscow on the wireless.

Do you know what you are, Herman?

What I am?

I get it. It's gonna be one of those jokes.

No, Valeiry, what am I?

You are a spy.

A spy? A spy?

A spy?

Valeiry, are you sure of this?

Moscow wired me this morning.

Our missing link is international spy.

But I not want to tell you...

until after you finished that lovely song about the puffer belly.

But I think there must be some mistake.

If I was an international spy, I think someone would have let me know.

I've been in the State Department over 15 years...

and never saw a spy this ugly.

Yeah, Charlie, but you never know what new

gimmick the top brass might have come up with.

I guess you're right.

We'd better check it out and see which department launched this project.

This may be top-secret stuff.

And that's a classified face, if I ever saw one.

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, the Cisco Kid is having a ball.

Never mind, John.

You don't have to use the code. It's me, Charlie.

I just wanted to know...

if that thing the Russians say they captured could be one of our agents.

Impossible. Impossible.

You, uh...

You've never seen him around here, have you?

No, sir.

Well, then this is obviously a crude Russian hoax.

Pass that on. This is definitely a crude Russian hoax.

Dawson, this is just a crude Russian hoax.

"State Department exposes crude Russian hoax.

"Story of spy on Russian trawler a fake.

"No such person exists."

Look, they have Pop's picture in the paper.

That's my Herman.

That Russian trawler we heard about on the radio.

They must have picked up Herman.

How could a grown man go out for a harmless little swim...

and wind up being captured by the Russians as a spy?

I'll admit it's difficult, but in all the world...

only my son-in-law has the talent to do anything that stupid.

"Russian spy story a fake."

Oh, to be embarrassed in front of our glorious leader like this.

By the way, who is our glorious leader this month?

Never mind.

I know who our glorious leader is. I was just testing you.

What message should I send to the fishing boat, Commissar?

To think that Mother Russia should be embarrassed...

in front of the whole world like this.

Here is the message I want you to send:

Whatever you have found, missing link...

deep-sea creature...

whatever this ugly, ugly thing is...

do not bring it back.

Get rid of it immediately.

Dump it into the ocean or whatever, but get rid of it.

I have your message, Commissar.

"Russian Pipe Dream."

Stroke.

Stroke.

Grandpa, do you think we're doing the right thing?

I tell you, Lily, this is the only way.

If the State Department won't help us...

we'll have to rescue Herman ourselves.

I guess you're right.

But we better hurry.

There's no telling what those people will do to Herman.

He's so defenseless.

Do you think the Russians will brainwash him?

If they do, I hope they're careful.

I'd hate to have a son-in-law with a dishpan brain.

Thank you.

Thank you, friends.

You heard the message from the Commissar?

Herman has got to go.

Yeah, but who's got the heart to tell him?

Now, ladies and gentleman... I have plan.

We give Comrade Herman farewell party.

I see.

We kiss him on both cheeks and then we shoot him.

He's too nice guy for Russki farewell party.

We give him nice, decadent American farewell party.

Like in MGM musical.

Good, we have much singing, dancing, laughing.

After that, all of a sudden, we shuffle him off to Buffalo.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Listen, Grandpa. They're torturing poor Herman.

Do you think he'll be able to hold out?

Don't worry, Lily. He's got nerves of steel.

Yes, but I just hope they don't rust in this damp air.

♪♪

It was a fine idea we give Herman farewell party, Gregor.

It was only way we could get him to leave.

It's times like this I'm glad I'm a Lawrence Welk fan.

Notchey, baby, you're a gasser.

And I thought he was in danger.

And what do I find? Herman-a-go-go.

Lily, maybe they are there torturing him.

I mean, that's not exactly Juliet Prowse he's wiggling his watusi with.

Well, I'll put a stop to that.

They just don't build these things like they used to.

Herman?

Lily.

And Grandpa.

What are you doing out here in the middle of the ocean?

That's what we'd like to ask you.

Who are they?

You read your propaganda booklets.

They're capitalistic tools of Wall Street.

In the books they wasn't green.

You know what I think?

I think that you are just a carousing playboy...

and so are all of your wild friends.

Just playboys. Playboys! Playboys!

No, Lily, that one's a girl.

Herman, I'm ashamed of you.

My son-in-law, the dirty old man.

Herman, you are coming with me.

Yes, dear.

But, lady, we're only having a little farewell party.

Well, farewell to you.

You just take your yacht of corruption...

and revelry and sail on, home wreckers.

Don't talk that way in front of my friends.

Herman, come along.

Well, fellas, Notchey, goodbye.

If you're ever in Mockingbird Heights, look me up.

That's what Americans are really like.

Holy mackerel, what party poopers!

Let's go.

♪♪

Lily, won't you let me explain?

Grandpa...

will you tell that miserable person on the couch that I am not speaking to him?

Miserable person on the couch...

your wife is not speaking to you.

You hear that, you fathead?

Please, Grandpa, just translate.

Never mind the editorial comment.

Even I'm surprised at you.

I never thought my dear, sweet, kind uncle would go ape.

Well, golly-gee. How would you like it if you were pulled out of the ocean...

in a fishnet and dumped into a hole...

and have a bunch of people think you were a missing link?

I tell you that sort of thing is very damaging to your psyche.

Why were you carousing with those people?

Well, Lily, I was just trying to be one of the boys and friendly and all that.

After all, dear, I am a member of the Junior Chamber of Commerce, you know.

You've just got to forgive me.

The way they do on television every afternoon...

on The Guiding Light.

Go ahead, Lily.

Make up with the big slob before he starts blubbering...

and washes all the furniture out into the street again.

Well, all right.

I forgive you.

Thank you, dear.

That's real wizard of you.

But I want you to forget about those Russian friends of yours...

and all of that singing and dancing and carrying on.

I certainly will, dear. I promise.

All right.

Now, come on upstairs, we'd all better get to bed.

I'll be up in a minute, sweetheart.

♪ Down by the station ♪

♪ Early in the morning ♪

♪ See the little puffer bellies ♪

♪ Standing in a row ♪♪

Hey!