All language subtitles for The Middleman (2008) S01E09 The Obsolescent Cryogenic Meltdown

You texted, I came.

Do you love it?

The Batter of the Bulge
Pancake House?

Well, in the pantheon of places I'd like
to be taken by a gentleman caller...

You don't find the promise of Luftwaffles
and Panzer cakes irresistible?

While I do admire the culinary genius
who thought to forge the human drama

of the Allied struggle
against Nazi Germany

with the goodness
of all day breakfast...

-I didn't bring you here for the pancakes,Dubs.
-You didn't?

I may be a starving musician,
but give me a little more credit.

Well, thank God, because,
technically, this is our third date,

and while things have been known
to happen on third dates,

the Batter of the Bulge Pancake House
isn't exactly a deal maker.

Though the thought
of "things happening"

has occasionally occurred
to me since we met,

it's not why I brought you
to this bunker

of maple syrup
and mortar fire.

Hold these, if you please.

- Why am I standing up?
- Step this way, please.

But I was just about to order a cruller
named after the Invasion of Crete!

Just a couple more steps,
Porsche Dubster.

What's with the quarters?

All your questions
will be answered right now.

Sweet Mother
of Nolan Bushnell.

- It's Gut Wrencher 1.
- It's Gut Wrencher 1!

The goriest side-scroller in
history, banned in 17 countries,

the only arcade game
ever to be denounced

by both Tipper Gore
and the Dalai Lama.

They only made 150 of these
before it all went set-top.

But only the coin-op edition has the
additional four levels of sheer carnage

that the home edition
did not have.

This is my favorite.
How did you know?

Because you're
made of awesome.

Oh, my God, Tyler, I...

Don't get all mushy on me,
princess. I came to play.

Come on, shoot him!
He's at 60 percent!

- Keep him off me,
I gotta get the Scud missile.
- Come on!

- He just chopped off my leg!
- I'm going as fast as I can.

Oh, he took my other leg! That's
it, Tyler Ford shall smite you!

All right,
I got this one, Fordo.

Wow.

We just destroyed the 86th level
Bloodlust Catamite.

Yeah,
with a Scud missile.

And it only took 18 dollars in
quarters to finish the game.

- Ida, what the...?
- Quite the minx, isn't she?

- Story of O! Turn it off!
- Full surveillance,
standard operating procedure

whenever a Middleman starts a
meaningful personal relationship.

Wendy's like
a little sister to me.

Sorry, it's in the manual,
I gotta do this.

- This is horrifying!
- No choice, pal. Part of the job.

We do not abuse our surveillance
privilege like that.

Wimp.

Absolutely not, I totally
delivered the killing blow.

If I hadn't shot that Scud
into its catamite behind,

you'd still be
at the controls and legless.

I totally
warmed him up for you.

- Gut Wrencher 2 on the emulator tonight?
- Like you have to ask.

Bye.

So things went well
at the pancake house?

They had a coin-op
Gut Wrencher 1.

Say no more.

I just wish I wasn't having
such a difficult time of this.

- Sex, waffles and videogames?
What am I missing?
- Can you keep a secret?

Have I told anyone
about that thing

with the blueberry pudding pops
and the elliptical machine?

It's my mutant power.

Can you make fire
with your mind?

- 'Cause that would explain some things.
- No.

Every time I'm in a relationship
with someone, I can always see
how it's gonna end.

Oh, come on. That's
Japanese game show crazy.

- It's true.
- We've roomed and now you tell
me about your mutant ability?

With great power
comes great responsibility.

What about Ben? If you'd known that
he would videotape your breakup

- and put it on the Internet...
- I knew it would involve film.

What about Tyler?
How's that gonna end?

That's the problem.
I don't know.

Not only do you have
a mutant ability,

you have a mutant ability
that isn't even working.

And it's freaking me out.

Over the years I've
gotten used to knowing

that my relationships
were doomed and why

- and it's weirdly comforting.
- That makes no sense.

But after three dates and a
videogame carnage-inspired hookup,

I still have no idea about Tyler.
I just don't know what to do.

Proceed, you dolt.

- I knew you wouldn't understand.
- Oh, I understand...

...that you're groping
for an emotional escape hatch
because of what happened

with Ben and Steve
and Rodney and Tommy Tam.

Just keep this
to yourself, OK?

Hello, ladies. I need some
caffeine action post-haste.

- Anvil drank all my coffee again.
- Hey, Noser.

Wendy thinks she has this
ability that tells her

- when and how all her relationships are going to end.
- Lacey!

That just sounds to me like a coping
mechanism to avoid intimacy.

All right, that's enough.

You've got to stop looking for
the emotional rip-cord, Dub-Dub,

or you're gonna find out that your
parachute's really a backpack.

What's that even mean?

- Uh, Dubbie... hey.
- "Hey?"

Yes, hey. Uh, there's something
you and I need to discuss.

It involves your Middlewatch and the
real time situation recording archive.

Oh, that thing in my watch
that records everything I...

Oh, my God.
You saw me and Tyler!

Dubbie, there is watching
and there is seeing.

And I did not watch,
but I did see.

It was
a split second, really.

Of course, part of the training
means I can memorize a crime scene

- with nothing more than a glance.
- Aw! Gross!

There's something called Code 86.
It's a protocol we have in place

to shut down the recording archive
should a member of the organization

require privacy
of a personal nature.

Why didn't you
tell me before?

I didn't think
you'd need it this soon.

Can we just talk about something
else or solve a crime or something?

You're in luck. Someone just
melted a jewelry store downtown.

- Melted?
- Like butter.

Let's go.

I'm Dr. Alexander Scott. This is
my associate, Kelly Robinson.

- We're with the Pentagon.
- When will you have a name?

- I'm sorry, ma'am, a name?
- Of the man who came to my jewelry store,

melted the back wall and stole
seven figures in precious necklaces.

All I need is a name.

Are you former KGB,
by any chance?

- No.
- Can you describe the perpetrator?

Looked like Andy Warhol.

Long black overcoat,

Wayfarer sunglasses,
thick red scarf

and store-melting
ray gun.

You give us a name,
we pay you handsomely.

Are you sure
you aren't former KGB?

Positive.

What kind of wing-nut
are we talking about?

The kind who could kill millions,
take down cities, countries

and even puppy dogs
and playgrounds

and one whose MO seems strangely,
uncannily familiar to me.

Strangely,
uncannily familiar?

Dubbie, this calls for swift
and decisive action.

It's a good thing we're taking
swift and decisive action.

No really, this is a level of ass-kickery
I've never experienced before.

In the immortal words
of Bertolt Brecht,

"Hungry man, reach for a book.
It is a weapon!"

Brecht was a communist.

Dubbie, you are looking
at The Middlelore.

Every foe The Middlemen
have faced over the centuries
is recorded and stored here.

Ah! Here's an oldie
but a goody: The Domino.

- You had a Cuban supervillain?
- Lithuanian.

Tried to create
a domino effect to knock down
all the buildings in the city.

Check this guy out.
The Fabulous Face.

He tried to replace
everyone in the White House
with evil doubles.

And he succeeded,
though no one seemed
to notice at the time.

And here's Dr. Solaris,
who tried to taint the water
supply with a boredom toxin.

Which someone seems
to have used on you.

Can I run something
personal by you?

Of course, Dubbie.

You know Tyler.
The guy you and Ida...

The one you were supposed
to be keeping an eye on

but instead wound up
having a Code 86 with?

Yes. He's so perfect
in so many ways.

- And everything's
going so great...
- Ah, limerence.

That's a funky name
for a villain.

That's the scientific term
for romantic love.

If you're in it, you'd better
enjoy every bit of it
because it doesn't last.

I would be enjoying it,
if it wasn't for my
mutant ability.

Your psychological tests
would have shown us
any extra-human...

I don't mean
anything like that.

I guess what I mean
is, uh, intuition.

Every time I get into
a relationship,

I can always visualize
how it's going to end.

But with Tyler, I can't.

It's totally killing me.

You have any idea
what that's like?

No. It sounds like something

out of one of those hateful
independent films.

This is exactly why
I stick to westerns.

Why did I think you were
gonna be any help?

Dubbie, love is simple.
You have it or you don't.

Everything else is either
delusion or self-sabotage.

Fragments of moon rock!

- The Candle.
- I knew the MO rang a bell.

It has to be he. The Candle,
formerly Professor
Lloyd Cramden, PhD,

until he was driven mad
by the death of his family
in a freak ice rink meltdown

and vowed to design a weapon
that would subject the entire
world to his private pain.

Ida, I need you
on the HEYDAR.

- We think The Candle
has returned.
- The Candle?

Formerly Professor
Lloyd Cramden?

Too late, toaster.
We know the back story.

We haven't seen hide
nor hair from him since 1969.

We have reason
to believe he's returned.

I need a cross-referenced list of
news and information on data platforms

relating to any developments
that might pertain to the name,

technologies or known
associates of The Candle.

What's with the space age
bachelor pad music?

Ida, did you just
disobey a direct order?

Ida! What's happening?

I guess this is as good a time as
any to ask. Where's that door lead to?

Among other things, the
Middleman's Cryogenics vault.

Cryogenics?

He ordered me to do this.

He told me to unfreeze him if The Candle
ever reared his ugly head again.

Who?

Wendy Watson, boss,

allow me to present,

all the way from 1969...

You can call me
the Middleman.

Someone has exactly five seconds
to tell me what's going on

before I call the sexual
harassment hotline.

- How long have I been under?
- Forty years.

This is amazing.

I always knew 02STK had the technology
to cryogenically freeze Middlemen...

- O2STK?
- Organization Too Secret to Know.

It's our little joke.
Like you and I had.

WTHWWF.

Whoever the Heck We Work For?

Whatever they're called, they
can make us into Middlesicles
when they feel like it?

I did this to myself,
Sticks.

With the order
that Ida thawed me

whenever my arch-nemesis,
The Candle, emerged from hiding.

- Wow. This is an honor.
- You must be the new model.

- Take that, would you?
- Boss?

Yes?

Sorry. Old habit.

Perhaps we should call our new
friend by the year he was frozen.

Sixty-nine.

I have your uniform
freshly pressed...

- ...and waiting for you.
- You're an angel, Ida.

Well, like the man said, lead,
follow, or get out of the way.

I knew The Candle faked his death. It
was the only way he could shake my tail.

Sheer elegance
in its simplicity?

- Bad guys still saying that?
- Like a broken record.

If The Candle has come back, you
can bet he's shopping around

for a supply of Balthorium-G,but he isn't
counting on me, his original adversary.

Still young and
burning for the fight.

What's Balthorium-G?

Balthorium-G is the fuel he uses
to power his melting ray.

- Aw, phooey.
- Phooey? What is that?

- It's a polite way of saying.
- Oh. Since when are we polite?

Ah. My old uniform.

I've always said
the clothes make the man.

Or woman.

- He's looking at me all pervy, isn't he?
- Of course not.

- I can feel it.
- Actually, I am.

I bet you've got
spectacular stems.

I'm wondering why
you don't show them off.

- We should discuss strategy.
- Three steps ahead.

We'll take out an ad in the Thrifty Nickel
under the name "Harry Lime."

When The Candle reads that I've
got Balthorium-G for sale, he'll
have no choice but to answer.

You think an elite super-villain
reads the Thrifty Nickel?

The supermarket
classified newsletter?

You fear men won't
take you seriously,

that's why you hide that shapely
body under that muumuu.

I hide my ass-kicking, Sensei Ping trained
body because this is the required uniform.

Is that what you told her?

What kind of Nancy boy

makes a hot, spicy Spanish girl
hide her stuff in a sack?

- I can pick my own uniform?
- You bet your sweet Brioni.

It's too early
to rule out a copycat.

This might not be
The Candle.

I'll have Ida run a scan
for the Balthorium-G.

The Candle always talked to his fences
in code through the Thrifty Nickel.

A lot of things
are different now.

Please. I'm not some comical
throwback to the Summer of Love.
I know my way around.

All sorts of new technologies
that you may not be...

Like what, the HEYDAR?
I had one.

- Well, the Internet, e-mail...
- Had it!

Cell phones?

Had to retire them.
Brain cancer thing.

Trust me, Nellie, old cats
never change their stripes.

It's gonna be
the Thrifty Nickel.

I don't have to wear
this coat?

You can wear whatever
you like, schatzi...

- Fresh.
- Thank you.

Ida, how is it that I've been
frozen for 40 years,

but you haven't aged a day?

Oh, stop, ya old flirt.

- Ida, get on The HEYDAR.
- Ida, get on the horn to...

Sorry.
He was my boss first.

So, what's it gonna be,
hot stuff?

The Thrifty Nickel.

Oh, and I'm gonna need
a bottle of Hai Karate, as well.

Now I understand the first rule:
there can be only one Middleman.

You may want
to make yourself scarce.

The lions have
some pride business
to work out among themselves.

I can pick my own uniform?

- Tyler?
- Hey. Lacey let me in.

But don't worry. I only spent
the first ten minutes rifling
through your underwear drawer.

- And now I'm testing your oven.
- We have an oven?

It's the metal box
where you store the extra paint.

I thought you'd appreciate
coming home to an anchovy pizza
with a side of ranch.

That's my favorite.

You mentioned it
during the story about
your botched quincea�era.

Of course, I didn't
expect you home so soon.

Am I the only one
getting the awkward vibe?

No, there's
an awkward vibe.

Hey, look, sex is one thing,
but cooking...?

If it's too soon, I get it.

No, that's not what I mean.

- I just...
- Oh, no. You know about me.

You read it on the Web
or heard it at one of the clubs.

Just come out and say it,
Dreams of Monica.

Dreams of Monica?

The neo-hippy jam band hit?
The number one song?

That's not what this is about?
I assumed you Googled me.

No, I didn't.
But I'm totally gonna.

Oh, brother.
Uh...

I was the lead guitarist
in Casanova Charlie.

Awesome.

Wait.
Shouldn't you be richer?

And less groomed.
And on Valtrex. Should I?

I should be lots of things.

But I left the band
after Monica,

my monogamous and
herpie-free girlfriend
and I broke up.

"I only have dreams of Monica
She's the night I long for

She's the light I see

I'm working on a second verse.
It goes something like:

Monica left me
for that d-bag bass player

And I walked away from the band
before they hit it big

- It's catchy.
- Yeah.

Whoever I go out with,
they eventually find out

and I just become
Tyler the not-a-rock-star,

and when the novelty
wears off, I'm just

Tyler, the-martyr
who-gave-it-all-up-
to-take-the-moral-high-road.

You know what? The more
I get to know you,

the less I want to know
how it ends.

What does that mean?

I don't see anything
in The Middlelore
that explains

how The Candle went about
acquiring his Balthorium-G.

- Jaguar.
- Like the feral cat?

The Brazilian fashion model
I was "entertaining"

instead of updating
The Middlelore.

The Candle will come to us.
Relax.

I got your Hai Karate
and a fifth of Fleming's
Commander Jamaica rum.

Ida, please run the search
I've been requesting
for the past two hours.

Right after you mix me up
a Cuba Libre.

Fine.
I'll do it myself.

If only to prove no evil
was ever thwarted

by lounging on a pelt
and sipping moonshine.

Talk to me.

Why, yes, this is Harry Lime,

and I am looking to unload
some Balthorium-G.

Don't be stingy
on the sauce, Ida.

You don't really think The Candle's
gonna fall for this lame sting, do you?

A stakeout can be
a valuable bonding exercise

and this is an excellent
opportunity to...

Fire and brimstone! We do not
smoke in The Middlemobile.

Why not? Is there something
combustible in here?

Only my temper when I see a man
willingly invite cancer into his body.

Cancer? Everyone knows
the Surgeon General is a Red dupe.

I bet Wendy would enjoy
a cigarette.

She's a girl who knows
how to get crazy.

Oh, did you have
another Code 86?

It ain't a Code 86 if you
don't activate the protocol.

This was more like a hot night
at the Boom-Boom Burlesque.

- Oh, lord!
- Don't be square, baby.

Studies show women have a boost in
intelligence after the physical act of love.

What this group needs
are stakeout treats.

Pick me up some jelly babies
while you're out there, Hazel.

So, who is
the lucky stallion?

The only guy I'm thinking
about is The Candle.

- He's not here yet.
- You don't know that.

Oh, yes I do.
I can sense him.

An arch-nemesis
isn't just an adversary.

He's the ying to your yang.
Yes, that's Buddhism, sweet pea.

And I've learned to
anticipate his every ying.

I can tell your boss
isn't really the type to have
these sorts of chats with you,

but I'm just gonna
lay it down straight.

Have all the fun you want
with your guy

but cast him aside
before you fall in love.

- You don't believe in love?
- Of course I believe in love.

That's what we fight for.
So the world can love.

Unfortunately,
we're not the world.

I've seen it before.

Everyone starts this job
the same way.

Wide-eyed idealists
thinking they can have it all.
Save the day and get the girl.

- But it always ends
the same way.
- How does it always end?

With the love of your life
eviscerated by some super-genius
in a cape and a body sock.

That happened to you?

That's how it ended
with my first wife.
And the third and fourth.

- What about the second?
- She left me
for a super-villain.

- That sucks.
- Yeah.

You sweat the satin,
share some laughs, then
she gets her face melted off

by some ray gun
wielding beatnik.

The Candle!

I'm gonna ask you
one question.

You have three chances
to answer.

Where is The Candle?

I told you.
The Candle's dead.

That's one. Here's
your second shot.
Where is The Candle?

There's, like,
a hundred people
who can verify it.

His funeral was packed
with friends and family.

His granddaughter
read a poem she wrote.
Ask her. Or his priest.

A super-villain
with a priest?

To me he was just
kindly Mr. McCandle,

the cardigan-wearing
old guy from
the neighborhood.

My dad died
when I was little.

- The Candle killed him?
- No. Cancer. He was a smoker.

Mom needed help
around the house,
and he was really handy.

Sometimes while he was fixing
the garbage disposal or whatever
he'd tell me stories

about how he was
a super-villain
before he found Jesus.

I thought he was kidding.
But this weird thing happened.

- He melted your house?
- He gave me a letter.

He told me not to read it
until he was dead.

After the funeral, I read it,
and he told me how I could
find his melting ray,

and how to use
the Thrifty Nickel
to find Balthorium-G.

He wanted you
to continue his work?

Wanted me
to donate it to science,

see if they could find out
how to use it for good.

Come on, a guy leaves you
a melting ray, you're not
gonna steal some things?

- The whole thing is just...
- Sheer elegance
in its simplicity.

Listen up,
you damned, dirty hippie.
This is your last chance.

- Put him down!
- I'll put him down, all right!

- What the hell is that?
- The thing that's gonna bash in
your commie flower-child head

if you don't tell me
where The Candle is!

- Like I said, he's dead.
- Liar!

- Enough.
- No.

He sings or he picks up
his own teeth with broken fingers.

We need to speak outside.

Don't you know how to conduct
an interrogation?

- Who you save the world from? Kittens?
- It's over.

He's lying but you're too much
of a little girl to see it!

You served this organization
with pride and honor.

And I thank you
for your service.

- What is that?
- The chance to retire with dignity.

- Step aside.
- You're out of line.
Middleman only uses violence...

When the fate of the world
is at stake. Yeah!

You got the first one
for free.

Sorry, sugar buns. There can only
be one Middleman, and he's it.

"...let this Middleman,
this sword of the people,

rest in the fond sheath
of retirement...

sharp as the justice he did once
and will forever champion.

And now, a passage from my poem,
The Unbroken Chain.

- Why don't we just skip it?
- Very well.

We'll proceed with the watch
presentation. Interrodroid?

Take it in, honey.

This too can
someday be all yours.

Our issues aside, a Middleman who makes
it to retirement is breathing rarefied air.

I admire you.

You entered a Middleman,
you leave a civilian.

For the record,
please state your name.

My name is Guy Goddard.
Choke on it.

Hello, Lacey.

Hi... strange but alluring
man with broad shoulders

who inexplicably knows
my name. Can I help you?

Why, yes. You can help by
offering the name of the scent

gracing that milky white
skin of yours.

Turpentine, papier m�ch�,
fake blood, and hot glue.

I'll just call it heaven.
Guy Goddard.

My friends call me "God."

Lacey Thornfield.

But, yet, you already
inexplicably know that.

Not so inexplicable.
I work with your roommate.

Guy? What are you
doing here?

At present,
I'm looking for some hooch.

- Hey!
- You stay away
from my roommate.

- I meant a drink.
- Oh.

Fatboy's Farm Apple Wine.

Swanky.
To snuffing out The Candle.

Guy. You gotta give it up.

Really? Because after
that sham ceremony, I hit
the whisper stream hard.

I got results,
and I got a plan.

Does your plan involve
realizing that
The Candle's dead?

Think I'm gonna spend
the rest of my days
like an unfrozen caveman,

marveling at your brave
new world of drive-through
coffee and online porn?

This situation stinks,
dollface.

A million dollars in jewels
were taken and that kid
can't account for them.

He said
he gave them to a fence.

Sure he did, but pour
this into your jigger.

There's a huge
amount of money
floating out there.

Now add a splash of this.

Lord Jeremiah Purcell,
the Eurotrash arms merchant,

just brought 4,000
angstroms of Balthorium-G
into the country.

Finally,
add this pickled onion.

It takes one angstrom
to wipe out an entire city.

The perfect gimlet
of melt-ageddon.

Not if we sneak into
Lord Jeremiah Purcell's
vault

and place a tracker
in the vessel
holding the Balthorium-G.

If I'm right, we catch
The Candle red-handed.

I'm wrong,
and The Candle is dead,
no one will be the wiser.

Maybe you are right,
but I can't just go behind
The Middleman's back.

Your boss thinks
I'm a loose cannon. He won't
believe a word I have to say.

And while he dithers,
4,000 city-melting
angstroms of Balthorium-G

are going to be out there
in the open.

Wendy, being
a Middleman in training

is about more than
just replacing us
should we die.

It's keeping us honest,

making us see
the other angle.

How do we sneak in?

Tonight, Lord Jeremiah
Purcell is hosting

a nefarious bunch
of scoundrels

and ne'er-do-wells
for a game of cards.

Cards? Great. I'm in.

Not so fast. Have you
ever played Shibumi?

It's a wicked,
soulless game.

Each player is dealt
a full deck of cards.

Every card
has its own name.

There's 589 unique physical
and verbal challenges
to every hand

and if anyone shows
the slightest ignorance of
the game's Byzantine rules,

they are decapitated
by Lord Jeremiah
Purcell's manservant,

the speechless,
thoughtless brute, Govinda.

I killed an 86th level
Bloodlust Catamite
on Gut Wrencher 1.

- I think I can handle
your little card game.
- Deal.

Now, you're gonna have
to learn two things
in the next 15 minutes,

how to play Shibumi
and how to dress
like a real woman.

This is how
a real woman dresses?

- I don't make the rules,
Twiggy, I'm just...
- The Middleman.

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to our game.

I'd like to introduce
our newest player,

the American gambler
Harry Rule

and his dissolute lover,
the Contessa
Caroline Di Contini.

Our players: Anatol Gogol,
also known as The Monocle,

Count Manzeppi, The Scot,

and, of course,
the icy Vilma Schnipp.

I, Lord Jeremiah Purcell,
will call the game,

and as always
my manservant,

the speechless, thoughtless
brute Govinda will keep
the players honest.

Mr. Rule, every player has
brought a rare and priceless
artifact as their stake.

What have you brought
to our table?

The missing
18 and a half minutes.

Weren't you a Popsicle
in '72?

Time travel.
I spent five days in
the 70's back in '66.

Dealers! The cards!

Your play, Mr. Rule.
No pressure.

All that's at stake: the
official schematics for the
lunar landing soundstage.

Read 'em and weep.

Fifty-two of a kind!

If you'll excuse me,
I'll run off to
the little boys' room

and the lady
will take over my hand.

Welcome to the game,
Countess.

Tuts beat Slims,
Cats beat Tuts.

Double rainbow.

Brava.

Two mannequins.

Three mannequins.

Four mannequins?

No mannequins.
No way, no how.

She's called your bluff,
Miss Schnipp,
and that means a siege!

Anatol Gogol
takes the siege.

A glue stick?

A cheat among us!
Govinda! Now!

- No one dies on my watch.
- Seize her!

Dubbie, duck!

- Thanks.
- Don't mention it.

-How did you know...
-Been watching out for you all along.

I'd be a cruddy Middleman if I didn't assume
Guy would come at you with some proposal.

Guys like Guy, they never quit.
Now, where is he?

Ripley's Believe it or Not!

Guy!

He melted my hand.

The Candle? He really is alive?

- And the Balthorium-G?
- Oh, he took it all.

Four thousand angstroms before
I could put the tracer in.

Yeah, he, uh, said
he was gonna melt the moon.

Oh, phooey.

Yeah. Phooey.

Hold still, my little woobie.

Pan down
the puppy dog eyes, Ida.

This isn't the hand that rocks
the cradle, if you know what I mean.

Don't get fresh with me, pony boy, I might
actually have to take you up on something.

Guy. I owe you an apology.
I take back what I said.

I wish I could
take back what happened.

We're soldiers.
We knew the risks.

I should have known that being a
Middleman isn't something you turn off.

Don't let's start
lip-locking just yet.

People, me losing a meat hook 'cause I
couldn't stop scratching the itch is a drag,

so let's talk about
something more interesting.

The Candle is out there, and I know exactly
where he's taking that Balthorium-G.

-Snake Island.
-What is that,near Dead Man's Bluff?

Right below The Devil's Throat. I'm
glad to see you've done your homework.

I was just being snarky.

October of '69, right before
The Candle vanished, rumor had it

he was building
the world's largest melting ray.

I'm betting aardvarks-to-asses that
he's loading up that moon-melting weapon

with the 4,000 angstroms
of Balthorium-G

from Lord Jeremiah Purcell's
nefarious mansion.

Not if we destroy
that melting ray.

Ida?

Use the HEYDAR
to scan the Pacific Ocean

and look for Snake Island, alleged
home of The Candle. Roger that.

Guys, I hate to rain on anyone's
parade, but The Middlejet
only has room for one,

so am I on secret Island
lair strafing duty or what?

Chickie baby's never been to a
supervillain island lair has she?

Sweetie, when a bad man builds
a home for his world-destroying
ray, the first things he buys...

- Automated missile defense package.
- Barrier mines.

Android guards to protect the island
after the supervillain has died.

And a lot of
Scandinavian furniture.

How do we get
to The Candle's lair?

Maybe Scotty can beam us down.

It's an obscure reference to a
canceled television show. I'm
sure you've never heard of it.

Actually, I do have a plan.
The DSV-4600 Middlesub.

The 4600. We haven't really
used that in quite a while.

Better take it
out of mothballs.

Only its asbestos will deflect
the island's defense system.

- Right.
- Then it's settled.

- We're off to Snake Island.
- In the cancer sub?

- Hey.
- Hey, Tyler.

I'm about to knock
on your door.

Can you hear that?

Oh, man, now I feel
even worse than before.

- You're not home, are you?
- I'm so sorry.

And the tone of your "I'm sorry"
leads me to believe you're not
gonna be here any time soon.

Noser has a key. You could let
yourself in and cook me another
meal and leave it in the fridge.

Don't tempt me. My gazpacho
refrigerates like a snow-nado.

- A tornado made of snow?
- You know it.

Why are you being so cool?

Because I love that you have
a job you love and are good at.

You do what you have to do
and when you get back,
I'll still be around.

- Really?
- Wendy.

Maybe tomorrow you'll leave me
for some d-bag bass player

or maybe we'll wake up
70 years from now

on the front porch of some
Florida old folks community
rubbing Vicks on each other.

- Tempting!
- What I'm saying is,
I'm in this,

and I'd be a pretty cruddy guy
if all it took to get me out
of it was a late night at work.

- I'll talk to you soon.
- Later.

Don't worry, I'll get you
back home in one piece.

Must be difficult for you,
having Original Recipe around,
taking control.

He's hardly original anything.
He's one in a long line.
As am I.

Doing our job.

Our job means he's wearing
a hook the rest of his life.

Why does he do it? Why do you?

Seriously. You can't retire
happily, you can't love...

Can't love? Halls of Montezuma,
Dubbie! Who told you that?

- He did.
- And you took his word for it?

He said it was impossible.

Love isn't
an impossibility for us.
It's an impossibility for him.

Then why aren't you with anyone?

My choices are my own.

And make no mistake.
I've loved and been loved.

If true love shows up
at your doorstep,
and you drive it away,

that's on you,
not the job or anything else.

This place looks deserted.

Don't be fooled.

The Candle's melting ray
could be anywhere and ready
to fire at any minute.

I have a question.
Why are you guys in wetsuits

and I'm in this Honey Ryder
Thunderball nightmare?

Honey Ryder's from Doctor No.

Ah, you make me sick.

Scandinavian furniture.

There are three exits out of this
chamber. We'd better split up.

Earthquake?

I believe that's a third stage
Balthorium-G electromechanical turbine

going though its
initiation sequence.

We better hurry. You take that
corridor. I'll take this one.

That one's yours,sweet thing. I'll
call when I find the Ray Gun.

Shores of Tripoli!

-The melting ray,that's the sound of...
-I know.

-But it's too late.We have to go back.
-Too late for what?

I'm sorry.
Your Middleman, he's dead.

This was a trap.

The Candle melted your boss. Now
he's melting the island.We go back.

- He can't be.
- But he is.

We can't just leave him here.

The Candle melted him!

I'm going down there.
I have to see for myself.

Sorry, toots.

But the only thing more
dangerous than an attractive
woman is an intelligent woman.

- You killed him.
- No. It wasn't me.

The Candle's weapon,
that's what did him in.

The Candle?

There's no guards here.
There's no henchmen.

You couldn't stand being put out
to pasture so you lured us here,

figured you could use your old arch-enemy's
weapon to make it look like an ambush.

There is no Candle.
This is your plan.

I did what I had to do.

You stole the 4,000 angstroms
of Balthorium-G.

- You melted your own hand.
- There can only be one Middleman.

You thought you could
replace him as a hero
and have me as your sidekick?

-My plan is...
-Sheer elegance in its simplicity.

That's right, Guy, the bad guys
are still saying that.

No. I'm not the bad guy.

We can't both do the job.
This is the only way.

Why don't you finish
what you started and shoot me?

You'll never be the man he was.
You're not The Middleman.

You're just The Candle,
a coward who kills people
with his melting ray.

My God. What have I done?

Don't make a move.

There's still a chance
to save him, I swear.

Wendy! You have
to shut off the melting ray!

- You can't.
- Why not?

I defeated The Candle so many
times by shutting down his
melting ray in the last minute

that he built this model
without an off switch.

Once you turn it on,
there's no going back!

What are you doing?

Don't worry.

My plan is sheer elegance
in its simplicity.

There's something
I need to do very badly.

What's that, Dubbie?

Snake island will always be
remembered as the field where
The Candle and The Middleman

had their ultimate confrontation. I
can't think of a more fitting memorial.

Is that gonna be
the official story?

I think so.

I thought Middlemen told the
truth and nothing but the truth.

I am telling the truth.
It's only the facts I'm changing.

I know I'll never be as much
fun as he was, Ida.

Yeah. He was
snappy dresser, too.

He did know how
to dress well.

Unlike, say, uh...

Crack wise all you want about
my Eisenhower jacket, Dubbie,

but it's named after a man
who led soldiers

through harsh times
against the darkest of evils.

This jacket says something
about... about me,

the man I choose to be.

So what does this uniform
say about me, other than
you're my boss?

If you feel you need to make
a change, then make a change.

- But make it count.
- Really?

I think you've earned it.

This gazpacho is amazing.

Well, you know, making great
soup is like my mutant power.

That's your mutant power?

Mm-hmm. That, and
I can set fires with my mind.

Why? What's your mutant power?

You know what, Tyler Ford?
I don't think I have one.

Is everything...?

Yeah, but can you just
hold on for one...

OK, where were we?

Like the watch is
the only surveillance we have.

Really, Ida.