Original subtitles

What the-

Doug, wake up.

Mm.

Doug, wake up. Something's going on. Mm. Mm.

Wake up.

Honey. Mm.

Wake- Doug.

Doug, stop!

There's red flashing lights outside.

It's probably a dance party.

Go back to sleep. No.

No, there's an ambulance across the street.

Some of the neighbors are coming out.

Oh, I see the Ferrignos.

Come on. Let's go see what's going on.

All right. You go. I'll guard the bedroom.

You want to send your wife outside alone

at 3:00 in the morning?

Okay. You've got an ambulance

and the Incredible Hulk out there.

I think you'll be okay.

Come on. Come on! Stop it.

Hey, Lou.

Hey, guys.

What's going on?

Paul died.

Oh, my God! Paul died?

That's terrible.

Who was that again?

He lived across the street there.

Oh. Was he the guy that always walks

up and down the block barefoot?

No, that's me.

So, uh, was it sudden?

Not really. He'd been sick for a while.

You know what?

I'm gonna put on some coffee for everyone.

All right, man. Catch you later.

"Catch you later?"

A man just died.

Hey, life goes on,

and I'm still gonna catch Lou later.

All right, come on. Let's go back in.

What? No. Why?

We're not gonna be the first neighbors to go in.

It's tacky. Hm.

Sorry, but it's a little nippy out here,

if you know what I mean, and I think that you do.

Douglas. Is this a good time

to bring you up to speed on my psoriasis?

You know, I was hoping you'd ask me that.

It's a great time.

Well, she's headed south.

What do you suggest I do?

Arthur, I'm not a doctor.

Tell me something I don't know.

A doctor. That's rich.

Okay. You know what?

I'll give you $50 if you go back downstairs.

If I want your money,

I'll take it while you're sleeping.

Just give me the crossword.

Hey, Dad. How's it going?

Not so good. I may have to borrow

one of your knitting needles.

Well, I don't know what you need it for,

but throw it out when you're done.

Good call on that one.

Yeah. Listen. I had a thought. No biggie.

I just wanted to run it by you.

Let's buy the dead guy's house.

But I like this house.

No. look. I don't want us to move there.

I want us to buy it

before it goes on the market,

and then we sell it real fast for a big profit.

We flip it.

We- I know nothing about that stuff.

Yeah, but I do. This is how my boss got started.

You think he just fell into some big

billion-dollar real estate company?

Well, actually, he did. But his father...

His father started with just one house.

Okay. So let him buy it.

No, come on, listen. I talked to Lou,

and he said the guy's only relative

is some 80-year-old Cousin Eloise who lives upstate.

She doesn't know what houses go for around here.

We can get the house for a steal.

So you- Now you want to take advantage of an old lady?

And help her to move on.

I don't know.

Something about this just doesn't sound right.

Doesn't sound right.

How does "speedboat" sound? That sound right?

I'm listening. Okay.

Well, if we get this house, we can have the money.

You could finally get your boat.

Really? Could I name it the Sara Lee?

Doug-

Look, Carrie's a nice name, but not for a boat, okay?

I mean, "Oh, if you really loved me, you'd name it Carrie. "

Well, I'm not gonna, so get over it.

Wow.

Sorry. In my head I've had this fight a lot.

Hey, Arturo. Is Doug home yet?

Afraid not. Oh. What's that for?

I signed up for a drug trial,

but I can't seem to read the small print.

How sharp are those beady eyes?

20/20.

Let's see. Oh. "Take one pill each morning

for a period of 3 weeks. "

Sounds simple enough. Nope, hang on.

"Some users may experience nausea,

dry mouth, cramping-"

Hold on. They didn't say anything about cramping

in their adorable cartoon ad.

Well... most drugs have side effects.

I did a trial one time for a peanut allergy medication.

Oh, my God, my windpipe closed up.

They had to rush me to the emergency room.

They said if I'd gotten there 10 minutes later...

I'd be dead.

We're talking about me now. Oh, sorry.

Um...

I wish I could know for sure about these side effects

before I start popping pills.

What are you taking them for anyway?

Uh, psoriasis. Way downtown.

Oh, man.

That's...

That's rough. Heh-heh.

You know, I think my mom has the same thing.

Hmm. Is that so?

You know, when Spence said you wanted to see me,

I was a little surprised.

You never invited me out for coffee before.

Better late than never.

No, no! This one is yours.

Oh.

Apropos of nothing, you're not allergic

to potassium benzoate, are you?

I don't think so.

Then bottoms up.

Hey, guys. Glad you could make it.

Hey. Oh. Well, when you told me

there was gonna be a memorial

right here in this house,

I told Doug, "We just have to go. "

Those were her exact words.

Oh, it's so sad to think that he's not gonna sit

in front of this fireplace again.

Does it work?

I think so.

A working fireplace.

You know how big that is?

Oh, my God.

I think I feel hardwood floors under here.

Okay, okay. You know what?

You might want to bring down the happy a little.

Okay. All right.

Ahem.

Hello. Oh.

I'm Eloise. Hi.

Oh, hi. Doug and Carrie Heffernan.

Oh. Were you friends of Paul?

Yeah. We live across the street.

From Paul.

So sorry about your loss.

Heffernan.

Oh, you left a lovely note.

Thank you.

No. Thank you for having

such a wonderful, wonderful cousin.

Yes.

With a wonderful, wonderful house.

Ah. What's to become of this house?

Seriously, Eloise, what's to become of it?

Ahem.

Pardon me?

Well, I don't know if you're gonna keep it,

or, I don't know, sell it?

Whatever you decide to do,

we just want you to know that we're here for you.

Tsk.

Although you may have a little trouble

unloading it with that smell.

Woo!

Did he die in this room or what?

Rank.

Thank you very much for coming. Yeah. Yeah.

Excuse me.

Sure.

What the hell was that?

What? I was trying to help out. I was being bad cop.

Bad cop? There's no cop at all.

Well, you gotta tell me that stuff.

Everyone,

if I could have your attention.

I thought it would be nice if we went around the room

and shared some memories of Paul.

Bobby. Why don't you begin?

Sure, I'd- I'd love to.

The thing I remember most about Paul is

the way he always had time for everybody.

I mean, he showed my son

how to build model airplanes,

and he'd tell stories

of how he flew in World War II.

I'd like to think he's somewhere up there

flying right now.

Aw!

Doug?

Oh, we're going counterclockwise?

I- I think that's bad luck. I really do.

It's okay, Doug. Go ahead.

Okay.

All right, uh...

Paul.

Paul. What can I say about my man Paul?

He, uh, did love his model planes.

Yeah, he loved them.

Loved them a lot.

But not just, uh, model planes.

He loved...

m- model cars.

Model boats.

All... kinds of models.

He dated models.

Yeah. I know what you're thinking.

You know, "He's 100. Why are models dating him?"

I'm gonna tell you why. Uh, it's because, uh,

he respected them.

And they sensed that...

uh, because models have unbelievable instincts.

And, yes, it ended badly sometimes.

But he did not hit them.

It is not true.

It is never- It was never- Never true!

Bottom line is, uh, ahem...

Good neighbor...

Dated models,

Loved Bobby's son.

You're up.

Arthur. I've so been enjoying

our little get-togethers here. Heh.

Although...

does their coffee taste bitter to you?

Sitting across from you,

I don't even notice.

Oh. Oh-ho!

So... anything new?

Mm, same old, same old. How about you?

Any cramps, dry heaving?

What? No. No.

Why would you ask that?

Well, I just want to know everything there is to know

about Veronica Olchin. Oh.

Does she like silk sheets or satin?

Do you like eggs sunny-side up or scrambled? Oh.

Do you have swelling

in one or both of your breasts?

Oh, Arthur.

This is a family place.

Seriously.

Hello?

Hey, honey. I just pulled up

the comps for the neighborhood.

If we get this house, we are gonna make a killing.

Sweet. 'Cause I've been boat shopping,

and they be's a lot of money.

Well, we's gonna have a lot of money.

Wait a minute. What?

What's Lou doing over at Paul's?

He's-

He's watering their flowers.

Why would he be doing that?

Oh, my God. I bet you he's trying

to buy the house and then flip it too.

What? No, come on. He's not that savvy.

Not that savvy? He's a giant.

With a giant brain to match.

Oh. Maybe you're right.

Remember he was walking around the memorial

like he owned the place.

Go over there and find out what his game is.

Oh. I'm going. I'm going right now.

Hey, Lou. Hey, Doug.

What you doing? Just watering Paul's flowers.

Oh, well, isn't that neighborly?

It's just, uh, Paul really loved his garden.

I thought maybe someone should look after it.

Aww.

You listen and you listen good.

Don't go up against us

because you'll lose every time.

Hey.

Where have you been?

Lou's probably got the house by now.

Oh, probably not 'cause...

we got it!

What?

Yes, that's right. After we hung up, I called Eloise.

I made her an offer, and she accepted it.

We got the house.

We got the house. We got the house.

Come on.

You know what, honey?

This is the start of a whole new life for us.

Yeah. Now let's go get

that giant freak off our property.

Hey. Hey, there she is!

Yeah. All right. Mwah!

Oh, look at this place.

Who wouldn't want to buy it? Huh?

I dare you to tell me.

I cannot tell you. I lose the dare.

Mm-hm. That's right.

So did anybody come by and look at it yet?

Uh, no.

No. That's okay! It's totally okay.

Nobody sells a house after the first 2 weeks.

No. Nobody. I mean, well, people do,

but that's ok!

It's great. Yeah.

It's great.

By the way, I, uh, talked to the electrician,

and he said to fix the wiring

and patch up the hole,

it's gonna run us $1800.

Wow. That's weird because

I talked to the plumber,

and he said the leak in the upstairs bathroom

is gonna run us 1800 too.

Really? Yeah.

Well, that's a"coinky-dink. "

Spooky.

Mm. Mwah!

All right.

We're never gonna sell this place, are we?

Not ever.

I knew it! I just knew you-

It was a big mistake with the whole,

"We'll just flip it! We'll flip it!"

What? That's the way my boss got rich.

Well, here's the difference.

He's smart. You're dumb as ass!

Well, you know what?

This is all your fault really.

What?! Yeah, that's right.

You rushed me into making an offer with,

"Lou's watering the plants.

He's gonna buy the house. He's got a big brain. "

Do not try to pin this all on me.

This is all your evil plan.

Oh, it's just business, Doug.

Oh. You know, actually, we got exactly what we deserved.

We pretended to care about some dead guy

whose name we don't even know.

I still don't even know it!

I want to say Pete, but I'm pretty sure I'm wrong.

Okay. Lower your voice. The neighbors will hear us.

We are the neighbors!

By the way, you promised me a boat.

I'm getting my boat.

Oh, no, you're not. Oh, yes, I am.

And I'm naming it after you:

The Dumb As Ass.

Well, let me tell you something,

Captain Sandwich.

the only reason why I did this

is so we finally had a shot at some real money.

It's always about money with you. You're obsessed!

Well, maybe I wouldn't be if I married a man

who had one ounce of ambition.

Oh. Well, then, maybe you should've married somebody else.

Well, too late for that now.

No. Hey. You know, we get divorced, huh?

I'll divorce you right now.

Oh. I will divorce the crap out of you.

Let's jus- Let's just regroup, okay?

Come on. All right.

Now let's just fix what we can fix

and sell the house for what we can,

and just get back

to our normal, poverty-stricken lives.

I would love that.

I'm sorry for- For what I said.

I know you are.

You would never divorce me, right?

No.

No!

That's it. Finish it all.

You know, this coffee is

starting to grow on me.

Mm-hm.

Is anything else...

growing on you?

Ooh.

Oh. By the way,

I have to cancel our date tomorrow.

I'm going out of town. What?

Well, I- I'll only be gone for a week.

Well. A lot can happen in a week.

What if your hair falls out,

or you have difficulty blinking?

I- I'll never know.

Arthur, you know, I- I really enjoy being with you.

But I must say, some of your questions are awfully strange.

You know, you gals amaze me.

You're always saying we men are afraid of intimacy.

But I ask you for one stool sample,

and suddenly I'm the bad guy.

What is going on here?

I'm doing a drug trial. What?

I was afraid of the side effects,

so I've been putting the pills in your coffee.

Oh, my-! How dare you!

How dare me?

I've been plying you with top-of-the-line

experimental drugs,

and now you're leaving me in the lurch!

Oh! To think I actually thought you cared about me,

when all the time I was just your lab rat.

I understand you're upset,

but just tell me one thing.

What?

Would you say your psoriasis is much better,

somewhat better, or no change at all?

Here we have a lovely working fireplace,

perfect for roasting marshmallows

when little- Little Michael has some sleepovers.

It's Malik.

Malik. Right.

Either way, he's a little stud.

Good thing I'm not gonna be his teacher when he's 13.

You know what I'm saying? Ha!

You know? Ha-ha!

Hey! Hey, honey. This is Larry

and Vanessa Taylor, and their son, Malik.

How you doing? Whoa. Don't want to mess with this guy.

Can we look at the kitchen again?

Sure. Go ahead and take it for a test drive.

Ah. Heh-heh!

Honey, I think they're interested.

Oh, that's great.

Oh, what about all the, uh, wire repairs

and the plumbing repairs? All done.

You're kidding me. What did it cost us?

Not as much as you think.

That's great. How much?

Sorry, what was it?

Seventy-five dollars. Ahem.

Seventy-five- It was

supposed to cost us like four grand.

Who the hell did it for 75?

Barefoot guy.

Barefoot guy?! Does-?

Did he even really fix anything?

Oh, fix, not fix.

Why do you always gotta

slap a label on everything?

Carrie, we cannot do this.

We are not screwing over these people.

What? The old lady screwed us over,

so we're gonna screw over somebody else.

It's the circle of life.

Carrie? Yes?

Think we'd like to put in an offer.

Really?

This is a great house.

And that little room off the master

is gonna be perfect for the baby.

Baby?

Yeah. We got one on the way.

Uh...

a- a-actually,

D- Doug and I have been talking,

and, uh, we don't think

this is the-

It's the right house for you.

Why not?

Oh, we just don't think you're-

You're gonna be happy here.

Is this 'cause we're black?

What? No.

No, no.

Then what's the problem?

The house has a million things wrong with it.

It's a very bad house.

It was fine a few minutes ago.

Look, we're telling you the truth, okay?

Oh, you don't believe-

Can I borrow this for a second?

Okay. All right, thank you.

How's this for fine craftsmanship?

Actually, that wall is pretty solid.

Honey, why don't you show them the broken pipes?

That'll prove we love black people.

Yes! Yes! Great idea!

Okay. Everybody, you better take cover.

Get up there girl. Okay. All right.

Hit it. Come on. I'm trying, baby.

Just jab at it. That's it. See? I'm jabbing.

Yeah, bad. Bad house.

Shame on you.

You better watch your back.

So should we take the offer?

I don't know. We're getting killed here.

What other choice do we have?

All right.

Let's do this. Okay.

Lou...

we've decided to accept your offer.

Great.

We still think you're low-balling us.

Oh, I am.