Original subtitles

Well, darling, I'm off for my walk.

Oh, Dad,

you know what? You might wanna call Holly and cancel.

The weatherman said there's a big snowstorm coming.

They always do. That's how they get their bonus money.

I don't think that-

Never mind.

What's different about this room?

Uh, everything.

We remodeled, remember?

That's right.

You've turned your office into a palace.

Meanwhile, down in the basement,

I can't even get a 40-watt bulb

to see the rats sneaking up on me.

Well, you know what, Dad? I am going shopping.

I will get you a new light bulb,

give you a fighting chance.

And I'm getting myself an iPod,

so you can have my CD player.

Wonderful.

Another one of your obsolete hand-me-downs.

I'll put it next to the Betamax and my Epilady.

Oh, I'm sorry. Were you-?

What? She's not that far along.

Hello. Hi.

Hello.

Ah, Roberto. I'm working. I can't talk right now.

What?!

But you said that it wouldn't be a problem.

Uh-huh.

Uh, excuse me. Uh-uh.

Kind of in a hurry.

You know, this whole blizzard thing hit, you know.

Okay.

Go ahead. I'm listening.

Uh-huh.

Ma'am, please? I'm sorry. Sorry.

Just looked like you needed a little nudge there.

Okay, Roberto, what about your sister?

Uh-huh.

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't think the iPod beeped.

I can't- Roberto, hold-

Ma'am, could you please just let me do my job?

Okey-doke.

Zone 1 to base. Zone 1 to base.

What, Heffernan?

Yeah, this snow doesn't look like it's stoppin'.

What's your location?

Not sure. Could be on, uh...

Casino Boulevard.

Could be on some guy's front lawn.

I'm officially requesting permission for a 317.

Heffernan, you're not abandoning your truck.

Then I'm requesting permission for a 318.

You're not opening your packages

and eating the contents either.

Look, you know the deal.

We can't shut it down till FedEx shuts it down,

and those showboaters are still out there deliverin'.

Yes, sir.

Honey?

Hey, uh, package for Philip Matsumoto.

All right.

Wow, I didn't expect to see you out today.

My mailman didn't even show up.

Oh, yeah, that "Neither rain nor sleet" stuff, it's all talk.

Just need you to sign right there.

Honey, my jerky came!

Oh, my God, you must be freezing.

Please come in.

Oh, this is my wife, Miyoshi.

Hi. Doug. That's all right.

I'm gonna probably head back out there.

Not until you warm up. I make you hot chocolate.

Oh, we're not supposed to.

With marshmallows?

You got marshmallows?

Oh, my God. Is that high-def?

Oh, yeah. It's great.

It is incredible. Come on. Sit down.

I never realized Bob Barker's eyes were so blue.

Heffernan?

Oh, thank you. Yeah?

FedEx just shut down, so you can bring it in.

Uh, you know what, sir? I think I'm gonna stick it out.

Don't be a hero, Heffernan.

Not being a hero, sir, just an I.P.S. driver.

You know what goes good with hot chocolate?

Beef jerky.

So, Arthur, are you almost done with that Cosmo quiz?

According to this, my "appetite for sexual adventure

is damaging my reputation in the workplace. "

Oh, well, um...

Anyway, I'm sorry we had to cut our walk short today,

but your shoes are dry and you finished your cocoa,

so I bet you're pretty anxious to, you know,

get on home, heh-heh.

Not at all.

I love this place.

You've really carved yourself out a piece of heaven.

Well, actually, Arthur, I have a date coming over,

so I kinda need the place to myself.

It- It's our third date, so it's time for me to...

you know...

start earnin' those spaghetti dinners.

But, uh, how will I get home?

It's a blizzard out there.

Oh, I- I don't- It's not so bad.

Plus, you're a member of the Polar Bear Club, right?

That was just to meet girls.

And now for any of you idiots

foolish enough to be out there on the roads today,

here's Foreigner with "Cold as Ice. "

Well, this idiot just scored herself a free iPod, so bye-bye.

Okay, skidding. Turn into it. Turn into it.

Or is it out?

Crap!

Aw, poor Brad and Jen.

Oh! Father McDaniel.

Hey, what's a girl gotta do to get a Bible around here?

Carrie, I must say, I'm quite impressed

you'd brave this horrendous weather

to come out and worship.

Uh, my car got stuck outside. I'm waiting for AAA.

So I see you've been shopping.

Yes, yes, I went shopping.

Doug says that's my religion.

But it isn't.

Ooh. Is that one of those iPods?

Um... yeah.

Oh, I hear they're fantastic.

You know, the bishop gave these away for Christmas,

but it was only for monsignor level and above.

The rest of us got stuck with waffle irons. Heh.

Ouch! Yeah.

Would you mind if I asked you how much you paid for that?

How much did I pay for it?

Um...

5-9-2...

Tax...

Come on. What are we talkin'? Three bills?

You know what it is? I'm just in a spiritual place right now.

Do you know what I mean?

I don't like to talk about materialistic things,

especially when I could have used that money to...

help the poor or whatnot.

But, Carrie, you are helping.

I mean, that iPod represents jobs

for the people who made it

and for the people who sell it.

Now their families can have food on their table

and decent shelter...

and hope...

all because you paid for that iPod.

And God knows that.

Oh, yeah.

How do you like the massage chair?

Oh.

Love it.

And it ain't shy.

I'll tell you that much.

All I have is cake. Is-? Is that all right?

She's adorable.

Oh, honey, my sister just called.

With a baby on the way,

it's not going to work out with my father.

Well, where's he's gonna live?

I told him he could live with us!

Hey, that's my wallet!

Sure. That sounds fine.

Thank you, honey.

We need to talk.

You were totally flirting with me.

I saw you staring.

No, no, no. You know what?

I had my back turned to you.

And I didn't hate that.

Yeah.

What is it?

The old man's starin' at us again.

Ah, get over yourself.

Arthur, what are you doing?

I'm bored.

Well, didn't you like the video I gave you?

Big Momma's House?

I liked it better the first time

when it was called 12 Angry Men.

Listen, Arthur, the only reason why I let you stay

is because you promised me

that I wouldn't even know you were here.

Well, we both knew that was going to be impossible.

Arthur, I really like this guy.

I mean, he's nice, and...

I'm pretty sure he's not married.

Well, after thumbing through your diary,

I realize how desperate you are to find a man.

So I'll be quiet as a church mouse.

Thank you.

Sorry about the interruption.

It should be fine now.

Mm. You know what I was thinkin'?

Snow lets up, I'll get us some take-out from Fratelli's, huh?

Ooh, yum! Huh? Yeah?

Big mistake!

Arthur!

Last week I found a tooth in my antipasto.

Well, just be quiet 'cause we're ordering from there anyway.

Then put me down for a chicken parm.

Oh, hey, Hol.

Hey, Mag. Remember last week when I watched Sasha for you?

Yeah. Well, thanks.

May I help you, ma'am?

Uh, yes, I was in here a couple of hours ago

and I bought a bunch of stuff,

and it turns out that I wasn't charged for this.

So I would like to pay for it now.

Oh, really? Do you have a receipt?

Yes, I do, and I tried to tell your cashier

that it didn't beep, but, you know.

Oh, so you knew

that it wasn't paid for before you left the store.

I see.

Hm.

You see what?

Some people might consider that shoplifting.

You know what, I gotta tell ya, um...

I'm hearin' "thief" when I should be hearin' "thank ya. "

Okay? And another thing,

none of this woulda happened

if your employee of the month over there

wasn't yappin' on the phone

when she shoulda been checking me out.

Carmen, please report to the service counter!

Yeah?

This woman says you neglected to charge her for this merchandise

because you were taking a personal call.

I don't know what she's talkin' about.

I wasn't on no phone.

Oh, really? Then how do I know about Roberto?

Yeah, right.

Okay, I was just trying to get somebody

to pick up my daughters from school

so that they don't have to wait out in the snow.

Well, I'm sorry, Carmen,

but this is just one screwup too many.

I'm gonna have to let you go. What?

Clear out your register

and see Sandy for your last paycheck.

What? No, no, no.

No, no, no. I didn't want to get you fir- Uh-

Oh. I am so sorry.

I didn't mean to get you fired.

Oh, you didn't mean it?

So when my babies are crying because their mama lost her job

and there's no dinner on the table,

I'll just say it's okay because the lady didn't mean it.

So I made things even worse.

Hm.

And I think I might have lost a toe.

Well, it's certainly unfortunate

that a young mother is now without a job,

but you were trying to do the right thing,

and in that case,

your conscience should be clear.

Oh, thank you, Father. Heh.

Huh.

"Huh," what?

Well, there is the advice about goin' the extra mile

that we receive from the Beatitudes:

"And whoever shall compel thee to go one mile, go with him two,

and whoever-"

I get it. I got it.

He'll steal change off your dresser.

He'll hoard things like tin foil and rubber bands

and lids from old jars and... jars.

And he'll eat some of his dinner,

and then save some in his teeth for later,

sometimes weeks later.

And the smell of old man

will be in your house, your clothes,

your hair, forever!

But in Japanese culture,

we are supposed to revere our elders.

Look, I love your food. I love your TVs,

but on this one, you guys couldn't be wronger.

Honey, I just called my dad. He's so excited!

That's- That's great, honey.

Oh, one little thing:

I think we should put him in the room upstairs.

Well, my game stuff is upstairs.

Can't he stay in the room off the kitchen?

It's too small!

You put all your junk in the garage.

I'll be back.

I'll be right here if you need me.

Mr. Pickles loves to make new friends.

You know, if you're going to advertise a tea party,

you might wanna serve tea.

It's imaginary tea, silly.

Yes. Clearly, I'm the silly one.

So...

is your daddy still in the picture,

or is it a 2-mommy deal?

'Cause that's the vibe I'm gettin'.

Oh, good. I'm so glad you're here.

Yeah. We forgot to exchange numbers

so we could get together for lunch.

No, no. Listen, listen, listen.

I'm gonna talk to your boss,

and if she doesn't take you back, then...

I work for a big real-estate company,

and they're always looking for people.

Are you serious?

Yeah. I wanna make this right.

What happened?

I got fired, but this lady says

that she can get me a job at a real-estate company.

This is my husband.

Ah, the famous Roberto.

Roberto?!

How does she know about Roberto?!

Oh, my God.

I needed somebody to pick up the girls.

I told you, I don't want you talkin' to him.

So what am I supposed to do?

You're never around!

Is the baby Roberto's? Just tell me.

I don't know!

Well, when I find Roberto,

we'll see how he likes talkin' to a baseball bat.

Hector!

Doug. Doug, please.

Tell my wife what happened

when you let your father-in-law move in.

Ah. I truly believe I was sent here for a reason.

So you put him up to this!

This isn't any of your business!

Miyoshi, come on.

Look, I understand you're upset,

I'm just sayin', I think there are other alternatives.

Like what? Putting him on the street?

No. Nobody's saying "street. "

I mean there are facilities.

He's my father.

Trust me, Miyoshi. I know a little something about this.

Oh, you know? All you know is how to eat cake.

Oh, see, here come the fat jokes,

right on schedule.

Well, it's true.

Oh, you know what?

Maybe I go to eat food because it makes me feel good.

God forbid I get that from you.

I'm just gonna wait in my truck.

You know what's funny?

They put Parmesan cheese in a little packet.

Red pepper in a little packet.

And when you think about it,

ravioli's just like meat in a little packet.

You know?

Hello?

Oh.

Did you hear what I just said?

N- Yeah, yeah.

I- I'm sorry.

No.

I was talkin' about the food.

Oh. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.

I'm just feeling kind of badly about kicking Arthur out.

I mean he's really very sweet.

He flipped us off.

Yeah,

but the only reason he kept that finger up so long

is because of the arthritis.

Holly!

One second.

Here.

Death is a natural part of life,

and your daughter had a right to know that!

So who's up for some Jenga?

All right, that's it. This whole night is ridiculous.

We can work something out, Owen.

No. This is how it's gonna be:

Either he's goin', or I'm goin'.

Oh, really.

Well, let me tell you something, Omar.

Do you really think she's gonna choose some washed-up pretty boy

over someone who's been her friend, her mentor, her-

Who eats rice cakes in a church?

Oh! Back again?

Carrie, I'm gonna have to start charging you rent.

Oh, that's funny.

You should be a comedian

because the priest thing, not workin' out for ya.

Uh, Carrie, I'm sensing-

Yeah, bup-bup-bup-bup!

Okay, so far,

your little quotes and your advice

has lost a woman her job,

a man named Roberto may be dead,

and I will never, ever, ever enjoy this iPod.

So, what are you gonna do with it?

I'm just saying that iPod

seems to be the root of all your problems.

In fact, I believe St. Augustine-

Oh, just take it!

Bless you.

I'm just gonna sit here and wait for AAA.

Ooh, yeah, about that. Um...

I got a wedding scheduled, gotta start setting up,

so...

So I sent this poor old man out into a blizzard

all because I was blinded by-

By carnal lust.

What should I do as my penance?

Father?