Original subtitles

Carrie?

Yeah, what's up?

Just checking my e-mail.

What is this?

Oh!

Yeah, someone sent that to me,

so I forwarded it to you.

"Bumper stickers we'd like to see. "

Yeah. They're funny.

Really? Yeah, look.

"Honk if you love peace and quiet. "

All right, all right. Look it, I love-

Okay, I love this one.

"Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. "

Who are you?

What? What's your problem?

My problem is you think they're funny,

and I'm married to you.

All right, so our sense of humors are different.

No, they're not- They're not different, okay.

Th- This is disturbing.

Like your sense of humor's so great?

How 'bout the singing bass you had on the wall

you thought was so funny?

Okay... It's a fish.

You walk by it, it comes to life

and sings "Take Me to the River. "

Yeah. Not funny.

Okay, Billy Bass is not funny.

No, no. Oh, no, no. Oh.

Oh, where are you going?

I don't know! I'll call you.

All right, hon.

I'm on my way to Lowe's.

What for?

Remember we had a 45-minute conversation

about me redoing my office?

No, but why would you lie?

Anyway, if you want any input on how it looks,

you have to come with me.

Carrie, come on, it's a home office.

It's where bills are paid

and our financial future is planned.

Doesn't concern me.

Besides, I'm, uh, meeting Deacon at this new place for lunch.

Could be an all-day thing.

Oh, wait a minute.

Am I gonna be able

to fit all that stuff in the Jeep?

I doubt it. Especially 'cause I got

a pallet of cinder blocks in there already.

Why? Uh...

Building my own meat smoker?

Childhood dream?

Learn me!

Hey, guys. We're back.

Oh!

Wait a minute, Holly has a van.

Why don't you ask her to help you out?

I don't know.

That's a pretty big favor to ask,

and I haven't really been

"can I borrow your van" nice to her.

I've barely been "can I borrow your pen" nice.

Hey!

Hey.

So, Dad, what's on the tap for today?

Nothing special, so turn off

the interrogation light, inspector!

What about you, Hol?

W- Why?

Oh, ju- Nothing.

I was just on my way to Lowe's,

and I thought you'd come along.

Me?

Yeah!

Actually, I'm gonna see

my great-grandmother at the nursing home.

Your great-grandmother?

Just tell her you went. She won't remember.

I mean, sometimes when I don't wanna cook,

I tell my dad he already ate.

Yeah, I don't know...

The thing is, Hol, is, um...

I'd love for you to come with me because I, uh...

I really love your taste.

Really? Yeah!

And the thing is,

I really need you to save me from myself,

because if I shop alone, I am a sucker for ugly.

I mean, look at this, I mean-

I was gonna say... Oh, yeah.

I didn't wanna... Oh, yeah.

Great. Great. Okay, well,

You know what? We can take my van.

Oh! That's right. You have a van.

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, I mean, your car, my car,

as long as I got you with me.

Okay! Okay!

So how long do we have the place to ourselves?

Kids'll be back at 6, but I have to say

I'm having second thoughts

about this whole casino party.

Well, how else can we make some money?

Well, maybe we'll get those jobs we applied for

at the Skecher store.

Hey, it ain't gonna be enough to pay

for the senior cruise we wanna go on.

That's right, the brochure said seven widows

for every able-bodied man.

Just like shootin' fish in a barrel.

Come on, what do you say?

I'll go put the Ensure on ice. Hey!

Hey.

I- I mean, you know,

Kelly and I still love each other,

but when you got kids,

your whole life becomes about them and their needs.

I mean, I'm not a selfish guy, but...

I gotta tell you, there's some nights

I just wanna drive away and never come home.

I'm not saying I'm not happy, but-

But what is happy?

You know what I'm sayin'?

Like Snoop Dogg's happy.

Why can't I be that kind of happy in like a-

A gangster pimp kinda way or something?

I don't know. It's just...

Sometimes I think I deserve more out of life.

Yeah, it's tough all over out there.

Hey, where's our waitress?

My- My, uh, wings are up.

Relax. She'll get 'em.

That's easy for you to say.

You already got your salad.

And by the way, when did you start

ordering dressing on the side?

What's next for you? You gettin' a purse?

Oh, there she is.

Hey.

Uh, excuse me, miss?

I'll be right with you, sir.

She's getting coffee for them.

They just sat down.

Now she's taking out her pen. I- I can't breathe.

I can't breathe.

I'm just gonna get 'em myself.

It's okay. These are mine.

I'm just gonna take 'em.

Excuse me.

I thought I said I'd be with you

in just a second, sir.

I was just tryin' to save

some time here for you.

Uh, you can get the blue cheese, though,

when you're ready. Okay, thanks.

There you go.

If you wanna order something else, tell me,

and I'll get it for you.

Okay, sir?

Right.

What a beyotch.

Did you say something? Hm?

What'd you call me?

I didn't- I didn't call you anything.

Oh, you didn't call me anything,

'cause I thought I heard "beyotch. "

No, I was, uh, tellin' my friend,

he's, uh, had a bee on his watch.

It's gone now.

I- I'm very allergic.

So now you guys are messin' with me?

No, we're not- We're not doin' anything.

I mean, do you wanna go?

What?

I'll go right now.

You just, you're sayin' you wanna- You'd fight me?

Any time.

I'm not gonna- I'm not gonna fight you.

Yeah. I didn't think so.

That, uh...

Th-That was bone chilling.

Okay, I got the wallpaper.

Now on to rugs. Come on, sweetie.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

The- That choice of wallpaper, um...

Gosh, I'm not feelin' it. You're not?

Well, I'm feelin' it pretty good.

Now, come on.

Let's go, quick. Quick, quick like a bunny.

Come on. Stop pulling on it.

No, no, no, no. I- I'm just- I'm-

Car, I mean, the wallpaper's nice and everything.

But you have to remember,

I mean, that office is pretty small.

So?

I'm thinkin' mirrors all around.

And that would be really great

if I was remodeling, let's say, a dance studio,

but, uh, I'm not.

Carrie, Carrie.

You brought me here to help.

Yes.

And you are helping.

I mean, you are pushin' that cart.

That's huge. Mm, mm, mm, Carrie.

But you wanted me along

to help save you from yourself,

which I think was what you said.

So let's scoot that back in there.

Go ahead.

Scoot it back in. There you go.

Good, good, good.

Sweetie, consider yourself saved.

Okay, let's get some wood paneling.

Double goose eggs again. Sorry, folks. Try again.

How's it goin' so far?

We already have enough for the cruise,

plus a little left over for matching bolo ties.

Let's wrap it up.

But if we go another half hour,

we can have separate cabins.

That way, if one of us

is locking dentures with a lovely,

the other one doesn't have to sleep in the hall.

Look at Josephine.

She's eating her weight in Cheez-its,

and hasn't played a nickel. Oh.

She's loaded.

Got hit by a bus five years ago.

That's city money.

Talk to her. I'll cover for you.

Ah, Josephine, hope you're enjoying

our complimentary buffet.

Oh, yes.

And this cocktail is delicious.

It's a pink lady.

Oh. Rum and Pepto.

Oh, I noticed you haven't been using

any of your chips.

Oh, I'm not really very much of a gambler.

Ridiculous.

Let's get you to a nice spot near the wheel.

Sorry, folks.

Hello. Hello, Josephine.

Yeah, all right. Here we go.

What number would you like to play?

Oh, how 'bout 17?

Seventeen it is.

Put my bet there. No more bets.

You know, I've always been very lucky.

I'm sure you have.

Seventeen.

Seventeen!

Oh!

Dude, that is so annoying.

Why don't you just ask for another soda?

I like ice.

You're scared of her, aren't you?

Scared of her? No.

Look...

I only backed down because she's a woman, okay?

Believe me, if I want another soda, I'll get it.

I'll get it right now.

Amigo. Can I get another one?

Root beer?

Is, uh- Is everything okay here, gentlemen?

Yeah, everything's fine.

I just wanna get a little more root beer.

More root beer?

Didn't your waitress offer you a refill?

'Cause at Slappy's, your glasses are never empty.

That's a Slappy's guarantee.

You know what? I don't think she even saw me.

It's fine, 'cause she was on the phone.

She was making a personal phone call

while your glass was empty?

I don't know that it was personal or not.

It's not really a problem.

Ho, ho, ho. Sir, it's a problem.

Here at Slappy's, it's a big problem.

I just want you guys to know

that your, uh, root beer is on the way,

and, uh, because of the inconvenience,

your meal today is on Slappy's.

Well, thank you.

Oh, and, uh, one other thing.

I'm off right now,

so I'll be waiting outside in the parking lot,

where I'm gonna gut you like a deer.

Holly, I- I really don't wanna get

the, uh, blue light bulbs.

Just think how peaceful it's gonna be

when you're paying your bills.

Uh, yeah, it's just that my checks are blue,

so basically they'll just disappear.

Okay, let's pick out some paint.

All right. Get ready, 'cause we're about to start

takin' some chances.

Excuse me.

I'm redoing my kitchen,

and I can't seem to decide

on dune grass or taffy.

I'm sorry, man.

I'm really not in the mood.

I'm sorry.

I just got divorced,

trying to get set in my new apartment,

and I'm... lost.

Uh, hey.

If you really want

some professional decorating tips,

that's your girl.

Oh, please.

Listen, I-

I would really appreciate your opinion.

Gosh, I'd love to help you,

but I got my hands pretty full with this one.

No problem.

Okay.

What are you doin'?

Go with that guy.

Well, I'm not done helping you.

Hey.

Help yourself to that hunk of man over there.

He was totally hitting on you.

Really? Are-

Are you kidding me?

"I would really appreciate your opinion. "

Practically asked you to be his baby's mama.

I mean, he is pretty cute. Yeah.

Are you sure you'll be okay?

Please, I'll meet you at the van in an hour.

Okey-doke. Okay.

All right.

Excuse me. Yes, ma'am.

Can I help you find something?

Um, no, it's just somebody left all this stuff here.

You might wanna put it back.

Okay.

What's the magic number this time, Josephine?

You know, I think I'm going to put my chips on 24.

That's the number of the bus that hit me.

Okay, here we go. Thank you.

Okay, okay, okay.

No more bets. No more bets.

How's it going?

They put a tower on 24.

If it doesn't come up, we're okay.

Oh, boy.

Twenty-four!

Oh.

I- I need to get home for my insulin shot.

Can I cash these in right now, please?

Certainly. One moment.

Let's all cash 'em in.

So exciting.

They wanna cash out.

What have we got money wise?

Approximately nothing.

What are we supposed to do?

We must owe a thousand dollars.

I got a little cash in the car.

I'll go get it. Okay. Hurry.

Come on, bro. I gotta pick my kids up.

I am still working on this, okay?

You gotta make a move here.

What- What do you think I should do?

Well, listen, why don't you just go out there,

get in her face and say, "let's do this. "

I bet she backs right down.

Yeah, but what if she doesn't back down?

Well, then, it's on.

How do you think that would play out?

Well, you got her in weight.

That's true.

Yeah, and she is a waitress.

Yeah, I could use her apron against her.

Yeah, yeah.

Like a hockey fight.

Yeah, just pull it over her head.

But look, whatever I do, I gotta do it fast,

'cause I can only go full-bore for about a minute.

Then I gotta finish the fight from a chair.

All right.

So... I guess I'm gonna do this.

You think I can take her?

Now, listen.

I love you...

and I believe in you.

If you can dream it, you can do it.

But when I look in her eyes...

I see you dead.

Hey, Hol.

Hey, Carrie.

Oh, my gosh, you were right.

Johnathan is really awesome,

and a great kisser.

Found that out in lawn care.

Way to go. All right. Yeah.

Well, uh, you go get his phone number,

and pull the van around,

and I will load my stuff up in the back.

Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that.

What's up? Well, Johnathan and I,

we sort of looked at some floor plans

and got some materials. We're-

We're gonna build a futon.

Oh, way to go.

Yeah, yeah.

So we're gonna take his stuff

to his house in my van.

Well, what about my stuff?

Well, I- I just don't think

there's gonna be room for it now.

But you know, you can, um,

call for another ride

or maybe have it delivered.

You're gonna ditch your friend, Hol,

for some guy you just rolled around with

in a bag of mulch?

You're right, you're right. I'm being rude.

I'm sorry. I'll take you.

All right. Okay, is this your stuff?

Yeah, you don't need to-

No, don't worry about it.

Just drive the van around, and we'll be fine.

What's all this? Where's-?

Where's all the stuff that I picked out for you?

Oh. Um, well, I just replaced a few items,

but this is still basically your vision.

Mm, no. No.

Nothing of mine is in here.

Huh.

Wait.

You didn't want me for my taste.

You just wanted my van.

It's a big van, Holly.

Fine. Fine.

Take the precious van. I'll have John take me.

Hey, John. Hey, what's going on?

Let's go. We're gonna use your car.

What?

You don't have your van?

'Cause there's no way I'm fittin' this in my Geo.

What are you saying?

Hey, you be good.

Oh, my God.

Listen, um, I know you're hurting right now,

so I'm just gonna go ahead and pull the van around front.

Okay. Thanks.

Thank you. No problem.

For $210 worth of chips, you get this vial of pills.

Don't take them with alcohol

unless you really wanna have fun.

All right. Who's next?

Do you have more of those pills?

All out. Oh.

Then I'll take this hookah pipe.

Mm.

Here we go.

You have any more pills?

I'm out of pills.

But I do have this authentic IPS uniform.

But it's huge.

Well, let your wife have it.

Next!

Ah, the lucky lady.

Well, for your chips, you have a choice

between a collection of Louis Prima records

or a 10-minute shopping spree in my daughter's closet.

I have $600 worth of chips here.

Well, there must be something here

that catches your fancy.

Dad!

You ready to do this?

Yeah.

Stay strong.

Get back here!

Now you're makin' me mad!

Oh, what's the matter?

Your short legs can't move so fast, huh?

That's right. I said it.

Go around!