Original subtitles

I'll be right back. Yeah.

So?

What?

Hello?

My highlights?

What do you think, huh?

What are you hoping for here?

Hey, you did it. They look great.

All right, boys, say hello to a winner.

He won hoop tickets.

Hey. Can I tell my own story, please?

Oh, man. These are great seats too. How'd you get 'em?

I just happened to know the phrase that pays:

"Buzz 97 rocks my world. " Heh-heh!

I mean, it doesn't, but I wanted the tickets.

Their morning zoo is hilarious.

Yesterday, Spanky and The Worm

crank-called this old couple,

and told them their dog had died.

Oh, classic The Worm.

Uh, thanks, man, but I'm already going to the game with somebody.

What? With who?

This guy just moved into my building. He asked me to go.

Tell this guy you just met you're going with your friends.

I can't do that, man. I said yes to him already.

Jeez, I don't wanna make things awkward for you

when you borrow a cup of sugar.

Come on, man, no reason to get all weird about it.

I'm not getting weird. I'm not weird at all.

This is probably the least weird I've ever been.

I gotta say, you're acting a little weird.

Hey, Barry Manilow, shut up.

Yes, that's who you look like. It's been driving me crazy.

Oh, hey, Hol.

Imagine running into you, like-

How crazy is that?

Uh... well, we both live two blocks from here,

so I wouldn't call Ripley's. You know?

Yeah, yeah. So this is where you get your nails done, huh?

Yeah. Where do you go? Oh, I don't.

I'm a bit of a biter. For the special occasion,

I'll polish the nubs.

Whoa. Looks like you took some finger off with that one.

I learned a lesson there. Never chop celery angry.

Nails are pretty gross, huh?

Yeah, listen, if you want,

I can get you in with my girl Sue.

She could fix those right up, and I gotta be honest,

it's a little rough to look at.

That would be great. Thanks. Yeah.

No problem. Oh, Connie, hi.

Uh, I just need a manicure, a polish change on my toes,

and if Sue could fit my friend Holly in, that'd be great.

Sorry, she can't take you anymore.

What?

Not take you anymore. You're not on list.

What list?

Excuse me.

Pretty Nails.

Uh, Sue?

Hi, Carrie.

Listen, I think Connie's been sniffing

the polish remover. Ha!

She said you can't take me anymore

'cause I'm not on some list?

Yes, I've been cutting back on my hours

because I just found out that I'm pregnant.

You're gonna have a baby? That's great.

And I'm not on the list because...

Oh, it's nothing personal. It's just that

I have so many wonderful clients,

and I had to choose just by who's

been coming to me the longest.

Right. Here's the thing, Sue.

Nobody does my nails like you do.

So why don't we just take the list,

a little Wite-Out, do the thing,

and I've been coming here for 30 years?

Look, I promise if anything opens up,

you'll be the first one I call.

Okay, all right. Well, thanks.

Oh, and you have a very talented mama.

Sorry, Hol, we're out of luck.

Hey, Sue can take you anytime,

but don't tell that one.

Ooh, a lot of celebrities here tonight.

Oh, Spike Lee.

Huh.

Likes his cotton candy.

Do you mind if I sat there so I can be with my friends?

You- You sold me this seat. F- F-8.

I know. I had four tickets, I just gave you one randomly.

I didn't think it'd make a difference. I'm F-8.

Well, that's agreed upon. It's just-

Maybe if I give you my ticket,

you'll be F-9 and I'll be F-8.

I'm F-8. And backing off.

Oh, hey, there's Deac.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. That must be his friend James.

He's black.

Hey, hey, let me take a look.

Hey, you're just getting over pinkeye.

Yeah? Who do you think gave it to me?

Who said you could use my towel?

Would you guys just shut up?

You're giving me and F-8 a headache.

How's it going, amigo?

Yeah.

You realize your face is burnt off?

It's a chemical peel, all right?

I realized if, uh, I'm gonna have killer hair,

I might as well have a killer face to go along with it.

Mission accomplished.

Anyway, Deac left a message.

He's, uh, helping his grandmother move today,

so he's not coming.

Really? We just saw him-

Danny.

W- what's-? What's going on?

Well, he may have told you

he was helping his "grandmother move,"

but we were driving by the Cineplex earlier,

and we saw him standing in line

with you-know-who.

I- I don't believe this. He's been blowing us off

all week for this guy.

Don't get angry at him.

If you think about it, it makes perfect sense.

What?

Well, this James guy might

satisfy certain, uh, needs

that we can't.

Like what?

His needs, his urges

to be around other people who are...

black.

Look, I've been friends with Deac for 10 years.

He never said anything about having black needs.

It's not something you talk about.

I don't talk about my need to be around other Albanians.

You're Albanian?

Yes, and I have a lot of Albanian friends,

and that's nothing you need to be threatened by, okay?

Which is Albanian for:

"You are my brother, whatever your creed. "

Wow. How do your people say,

shut mouth now?

Okay, I'm trying to help you understand him.

I understand fine, all right?

I'm Deacon's best friend,

and he doesn't have any urges

that I can't take care of.

Yeah, I said it.

What's going on, my brother?

Hey, Doug.

Did you happen to catch that special last night

they had on, uh, Malcolm X?

Nope.

Powerful stuff, man.

Powerful stuff.

Damn. I got three deliveries in Jersey today.

They were comparing him to Martin Luther King,

another great civil rights leader.

Turns out the two of them

had some pretty different ideas.

So I've heard.

One was very non-violent, that would be your Dr. King,

a great man

who gave us a great day off.

What's going on?

I'm just talking a little black history.

You don't even know white history.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Is that only a topic you can discuss

with your new friend James?

What? Yeah, yeah.

I know what you did yesterday.

L- let me ask, did you really help your grandmother move,

or did you and James go to the movies?!

Actually, both. He helped move my grandma,

and then we caught a movie. What's the big deal?

W- why didn't you ask me to help you?

I did ask you last week.

You said it wasn't your "thang. "

Do you get black urges? Do you-?

I gotta go to Jersey.

Most definitely. Most definitely.

And tell me this,

why is there a liquor store

on every corner in our neighborhoods?

Oh, yes. Yes, my brother.

That is how the white man keeps us under his boot.

Oh, most definitely. That's right.

Yeah, you know what the white man

should be giving you?

Some reparations.

And then the Lord said,

"Fish don't fry in the kitchen. "

Say it loud.

He said, "Beans don't burn on the grill. "

No, preacher, they don't.

It took a whole lot of trying... Oh, yes.

just to get up that hill.

Who let this man in here?

Have mercy.

You don't belong in here.

You don't belong in here.

You don't belong here.

Let it go, Doug. You're white.

And that's cool, man.

Oh, hey, Hol.

Hey, Carrie, I- I didn't know you were home.

Yeah, well, I may never leave the house again.

I was just dropping off your dad's bill.

All right. I'll give you the cash right now.

No, no, you can just mail me a check.

I don't feel comfortable carrying around all that cash.

It's $15, Hol.

Roll the dice. Heh.

Just grab it out of my purse. My nails are wet.

Oh, sure, yeah. Thanks.

Um...

What are you doing?

Um, I'm trying not to be so dependent

on my fingers. Ha-ha!

Did you just get a manicure?

Gosh, did I? Um...

Oh, let me see. They look gorgeous.

Wow. Why are your hands shaking?

I ran out of beer this morning.

Oh, my God. Did Sue do these?

I told her not to.

How'd you get in with her?

How'd you get on the list?

There is no list, Carrie. What?

She just made that up so she wouldn't have to do your nails.

Why?

Well, she- She says you're too demanding.

Oh, yeah, okay.

I'm too demanding. Right.

You think I'm too demanding? Do you?

No? Oh, yes, you do.

What else did she say?

Well, sh-she said often, you know, that you're-

You're late, and that you, um,

tend to steal the magazines.

Oh, okay.

Like I need this week's issue of Korean People.

Yeah. All right.

Maybe I'll just take my money and go.

You know what? I'll send you the check.

Okay. Yeah.

I had a dream.

Okay, look, enough with the black stuff, man.

No, no, really.

Look, James is coming by.

Just try and keep it together.

At first I was upset because you were hanging out

with James all the time. All right, listen,

I know I haven't been around much,

but me and James got a lot in common-

No, it's okay. That's what I'm saying.

Look, I get it now.

I've been acting like an idiot, and...

I'm sorry.

All right. Then we're cool.

Hey, Deac. You ready?

Yeah. Oh, and by the way, this is my friend Doug.

Uh, James Robinson.

Hey, good to meet you. Good to meet you.

I'll be back in a couple of seconds.

I gotta drop off my route sheet.

All right.

S- so, how do you like delivering for Sparkletts?

It's good. I can't complain.

I deliver to three different pizza places,

and I like my cheese.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

So, you, uh- You guys going out to a jazz club tonight?

Jazz? Jazz blows.

Yeah, I'm more into classic rock.

You know, Aerosmith, Van Halen.

I'm kind of on an Eddie Money kick right now.

I love Eddie Money.

Anyway, we're heading up to Regan's.

They've got a wing eating contest tonight.

Somebody broke my record, so...

Gotta win my belt back.

I'm gonna hit the restroom.

I gotta change into my eating clothes.

I have eating clothes.

Wh-what's going on? What are you talking about?

James remind you of anybody?

I don't know. Uh...

Kirby Puckett?

Let me give you a few clues, okay?

He's a driver who likes his cheese,

hates jazz, and is a former wing eating champion.

You went out and got yourself a black Doug.

What?

I had no problem when you were out there

taking care of your black needs,

but this guy isn't giving you anything that I can't.

Oh, I see. So if me and James

were out drinking Cristal and break dancing,

you'd be okay with that.

Absolutely.

I am so sorry.

From now on, I'll run my friends by you

to make sure they're black enough.

Hey, I was just trying to have a heart-to-heart.

You're the one who made it ugly.

Fine. I'll go to the Foxy Brown film festival by myself.

Please, we don't want no trouble.

No, no. No trouble.

Hey, Sue. Oh, hi, Carrie.

No cancellations yet, but I'll call you.

Listen, you can cut the act. I already talked to Holly.

Oh. Yeah. The thing is,

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and you're right.

I can be too demanding, inconsiderate, and rude. Ha!

The bottom line is,

um, I can be somewhat of a, um-

What's your people's word for "bitch"?

Around here, we say "Carrie. "

That's a good one. Ouch.

Anyway, from now on,

I will just come in, pick my color,

read my People and keep my yap shut. Ha!

Oh, and here, I got you a bunch of rattles and crap

for your new bundle of joy.

Oh, how sweet.

Yeah. So I'm back in? No.

What do you mean, "no"? I just apologized.

I brought you a beautiful gift for the baby.

Yeah, about me being pregnant...

I- You made up a baby?

You're very difficult.

Oh. Okay, Sue, you know what? That's fine.

There are 10 other nail salons on this block alone,

salons that would be happy to have me, okay?

So sayonara to you and your fake baby and...

May?

Carrie Heffernan.

Hi.

Do you have someone available? I just need a manicure.

Name? Carrie Heffernan.

No. We can't take you.

What? Can't take you.

Okay.

Hey, what-? What are you doing here?

Signed up for the contest.

What?

Pretty sure it's open to anybody.

Uh, I didn't see any signs that said:

"No white Dougs allowed. "

All right, gentlemen, to your wings.

You'll have 12 minutes to eat as many wings as you can,

and per Competitive Eating Association rules,

throw up, you're thrown out.

On your mark...

get set...

eat!

Yeah. Come on.

Yeah!

Down goes Robinson. It's over.

The winner, Doug Heffernan.

Yeah!

Woo-ooh!

All right, why don't you, uh, say goodbye to James,

and you and me will get out of here?

What? I won. I beat him.

You're back with me now.

I'm not going with you.

What?

What, you think I pick my friends

by who eats the most chicken wings?

Heh! That's silly. Heh-heh!

Look, I- I don't know how you pick your friends,

but all I'm saying is I just ate 200 chicken wings for you.

Yeah, and I don't think you would do that for me,

and I gotta tell you, that hurts, you know?

Doug, come on. I don't understand

why you're getting all crazy.

Because we're supposed to be best friends.

We are. That hasn't changed.

You just gotta learn how to chill out a little.

I like your belt.

Actually, it's a replica.

They keep the real one in Cleveland.

So, you, uh...

going out with James now, or...

'Cause I was thinking about grabbing some dessert.

Dessert?

You just ate 10 pounds of chicken wings.

Yeah.

I need a little something sweet.