Original subtitles

- all of U.S. intelligence

in more than 50 years...

Do you mind? I'm trying to read.

That's yesterday's news.

I need up-to-the-minute coverage.

President's says he's happy to have it, but has not yet...

There you go, all right? There.

I can't hear. Okay, well, I can't read.

Yea- Here, fine. You know what?

There. Closed captioning.

You happy now?

Huh, those clever Japanese have done it again.

"Investigators believe a faulty hair dryer

"was the cause of the blaze.

"Speaking of bad-hair days,

here's Curtis with the weather. Chuckles. "

You-? You're kidding, right?

Sorry, I'm having trouble following this.

You can help me if you could read

the part of Sue Simmons.

Yeah, it's not gonna happen.

"There is a cold front rolling in from the north,

colliding with a high-pressure symptom. "

It's "system. "

It says "symptom. "

Okay, well, they obviously made a mistake!

Well, how can I trust anything they say?!

Okay, fine, here you go! Okay? There!

That loud enough?

"On the lighter side of the news,

"a cat was rescued from a well today.

"When asked to comment,

the fire chief said the mission was purr-fect. "

Let's go.

Okay.

Come on.

Nothing fit her, huh?

That is not good.

It gets worse.

Guess what she came down the stairs wearing.

Sweatpants.

So what? Lot of girls wear sweatpants.

My sweatpants.

Ooh.

Why don't you tell her she needs to lose weight?

Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. Why don't I just write up a list

of other women I wanna have sex with?

"Here. Hey, huh? Hey, honey, you knew some of these.

The- Some are you are friends. You know 'em all. "

Idiot.

Uh, this is a tough one.

I had the same situation with Kelly.

But she just lost weight.

Yeah, only 'cause she got food poisoning.

Hm.

So in order for your plan to work,

I gotta give Carrie some undercooked chicken

or something. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

It wasn't a plan to give her food poisoning.

I just got lucky.

Yeah, and not for nothing, guy,

but, uh, aren't you a little out of line,

you know, getting on Carrie about her weight?

You're not exactly Mackenzie Phillips.

Really? I'm not exactly Mac-?

I'm not Mackenzie Phillips?

Look, she knows this is what I looked like

when I met her, okay?

This was all in the Doug brochure, as advertised.

I'm just worried about where she's headed.

I mean, I don't want her catching me.

Well, why don't you just start eating a lot more?

You know, stay one step ahead.

I'm gonna do that anyway,

but, I just- I don't know. I think maybe if I can-

You know, I'm gonna stop you right there.

I'm your boy, and I'm looking out for you.

You're playing with fire. Just let it go.

I know it's tricky, but if I could-

Bup-bup-bup-ba!

Let it go.

If there's a way that I can-

Ah!

Let it go.

What are we doing here?

Doug, they're our neighbors.

We should be supportive

and buy one of their pieces of crap.

We can throw it out when we get home.

Why would Lou Ferrigno need a jar opener?

He's the strongest man in the world.

That's probably why he's selling it.

Oh, look,

here's something we can use.

A deep-fryer?

Yeah, can make our own french fries,

some fried chicken.

I don't wanna waste our money on that. I don't know.

It's a dollar.

Still, it's just, uh-

Hey, what about this? Look at this.

Yeah, we already have a stationary bike.

Your regular bike.

Hey, guys.

Hey! Hi.

Hey, Lou.

How are you? How's the sale going?

Okay, I guess. Oh, Lou's just cranky

because I'm making him sell all of his video games.

I'm telling you, the man was addicted.

Hey, better video games than steroids, huh?

We don't joke about that, Doug.

Hey, so what's the story with this bad boy?

Oh, well, if you're interested in this,

we're selling our home gym.

I'll even sweeten the pot.

If you buy it,

I'll train you both for free.

You hear that? He'll- He'll train us... both.

We'll let you two think about it.

Okay. Okay?

Both.

That's a pretty sweet deal, huh?

Well, yes, Doug, but you still belong to three gyms

that you never go to.

Would it really be fair to them?

See, that's the thing.

If you're training with me, I'd be inspired.

I'd stick with it.

Okay, you know what? Let's do it.

I can stand to lose a couple pounds.

This is not about you. It's about me, but whatever.

I mean, if that happens, it's great.

This is awesome, huh?

God, I can't picture Lou Ferrigno

playing tennis, huh?

Douglas, look what I came across on the Game Show Channel.

Glen and I would like

to for Of Mice and Men. Is that you?

You never told me you were on a game show.

I've actually told you several dozen times.

Thanks for listening.

Look at you.

You look so young and sane.

Lee Meriwether couldn't keep her paws off me.

Get it?

Paws.

She was one of three Catwomen.

So did you win the 10,000?

Would I be living in this dump if I did?

Probably, yeah.

Contestants appearing on The $10,000 Pyramid

will receive a year's supply of Rice-A-Roni,

the San Francisco treat.

Wait a minute!

I never got any Rice-A-Roni!

Come on, two more.

You said "two more" five ago.

Do it! God.

All right, I'm just saying,

you suck at math, that's all.

There. Okay? You happy?

Oh, my God, Doug, that was torture.

First the bike and then three sets on every station.

Hey, you know, the first time is never easy.

Like the first time we had to trim

your father's nails, huh?

Now we wait for him to fall asleep.

It's a lot less kicking. That's all I'm saying.

Let's get ready on the bike

and get the blood flowing. All right.

just don't make me too skinny there, buddy.

Okay, this is very easy.

I'm just telling you that right now.

Could do this all day.

You can stop now.

Thank you.

Carrie really did this?

Yeah, but she did the whole 10 minutes.

I'm gonna write some notes on the chart,

and you give me 20 curls.

Hey, how about I do the notes,

you do the curls, huh? Ha-ha-ha.

Now 30, funny man.

Come on, all the way up.

All right.

Count them off. All right.

One. Oh, wow, a Game Boy?

Yeah. Carla made me sell mine.

Two. You mind if I, uh...?

Three. No, go ahead.

Four.

Five.

Seventeen.

...four, 25!

Ah, 30!

Okay, that was great, Lou.

I'll see you Wednesday.

I hope he burns in hell.

You ready to hit it, Doug?

Absolutely.

Uh, first, I just wanna save a game

I was playing before.

You have PlayStation?

No, I have PlayStation 2.

There. Okay, I'm a lump of clay, Lou.

Sculpt me.

Is that "The Getaway"?

Yes, it is.

Anyway, what do you say we hit it? Come on.

"The Getaway" was my favorite game.

Hey, you know, here's a crazy idea.

Uh, why don't you, uh, you know, play a game

while I do my warm-ups?

Oh, I don't know. Carla would kill me.

I don't see Carla here.

What I do see is a state-of-the-art video game

hooked up to a big-screen TV.

Mm, no, I can't.

I'm a trainer. I have to do my job.

Okay, here's the thing, Lou.

You really wanna play that video game,

and I really don't wanna get into shape.

I'm with you so far. All right.

So I was thinking, instead of letting our wives

decide what we should do,

maybe we should use my workout time

to do what we wanna do, hm?

It'll be our little secret.

Hey, Dad.

Ah, darling,

could you, uh, do me a small favor?

What?

I need you to help me get a lawyer,

so I can sue the boyish grin off Dick Clark's face.

Okay, once again, he did not steal the idea

for New Year's Rockin' Eve from you.

I never claimed he stole the "Rockin'" part.

All right, what's the problem?

When I was on Pyramid,

I was promised a year's supply of Rice-A-Roni,

and I never got it.

Did you get that in writing?

They announced it on the show.

It's an oral agreement.

Oral.

Okay, stop using that word.

So can you help me? No, I'm sorry.

Why do you always take Dick Clark's side?

Hey.

How was your workout?

Oh, just brutal, as usual.

I'll tell you, that Lou comes off

like a gentle giant in public,

but come workout time,

he's one scary bastard.

I know. I know. He's a tough one.

But you know what? You gotta stick with it.

I mean, look at me.

I haven't fit in this suit in months. I lot 6 pounds.

I don't care about numbers.

I'm just happy that you're healthier.

You getting results too? Are you kidding me?

Look at that. Feel this. Feel it.

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Yes. Yes, honey.

You're really- You're- You're getting there.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you for noticing.

All right.

Hey, why don't you get Lou the "Spider-Man 2" game?

Yeah, I'm gonna get the Incredible Hulk

a Spider-Man game.

Who raised you?

Hey, Deac,

you have "ATV 3," right?

How is it?

Instead of going through this trouble,

why don't you actually let Lou train you?

Maybe that way, you won't get winded throwing darts.

What is your problem?

I just think this is wrong.

I'm only cheating myself.

And Carrie.

And Carrie, right. And Lou.

Got him hooked on video games again.

Right, me, Carrie, and Lou.

Just cheating the three of us.

So you came up with a way

to get her to lose weight without knowing it.

I just can't believe you.

Oh, my God, you're jealous.

That's what it is.

You're damn right I'm jealous.

I- I mean, you found a way to beat the system, man.

Oh, I not only beat the system,

it was first-round KO.

And I'm just getting started.

What do you mean?

Well, you know that now I can control Carrie

through Lou, right? Right.

If she can lose 6 pounds at the current pace,

imagine I have Lou kick it up a notch.

You're making a mistake.

I'm not making a mistake,

and I'm gonna change other things.

Look, do you know

how to cut things off when-?

Let it go.

Hey. Hey.

What's that? It's my dinner.

All of a sudden, Lou's got me on a liquid diet.

Really?

Yes, and he doubled my time on the bike,

he increased my weights,

and then he said get some blond highlights.

That's weird, but I would just do it.

Oh, dear God. I can't do this.

What? I can't do this. Doug, I am-

I am achy, I'm tired all the time,

and now I'm drinking this crap?

I think I'm gonna quit.

Y- y-you can't quit. You can't quit.

I- I mean, I- It's not fair to me.

You- You can't.

Doug, you can still keep working out.

Not- Not without you.

I mean, the- The whole drive behind this thing

is that we're doing it together for me.

That's- It really is. You're the wind beneath my wings.

Without wind, wings are useless.

I'm pretty sure wings still work

even though there's no wind.

Okay, an Oscar-winning song is wrong. All right.

Come on, Carrie. Okay, honey, fine,

I will keep going for you.

Thank you. For me.

There you go. Gosh.

You wanna talk about brutal,

Lou's got me on light beer.

It's hard going down, I tell you.

What do you want?

Uh, sorry to interrupt your exercise session,

but Lou has some important documents for me

vis-�-vis Rice-A-Roni-gate.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Lou you have anything for Arthur?

In my bag.

Say, uh, what's going on in here?

What do you mean?

He's training me.

You're playing solitaire,

and he's playing some television game.

What gives, eh?

You ask too many questions, old man.

Too many or not enough?

Too many.

Now, uh, Mr. Spooner, my assistant tells me

this is an urgent matter for Mr. Clark.

Yes, if you recall, I was a contestant

on The $10,000 Pyramid in 1976.

Actually, I don't. Why not?

I was in the 3rd grade.

Anyway, I never got my Rice-A-Roni.

Again, the show's been off the air for years.

Uh, I'm not sure they even still make Rice-A-Roni.

Oh, they make it, all right,

in a variety of mouth-watering flavors.

Okay, well, uh, instead of Rice-A-Roni,

how about I, uh, give you...

this book? I don't wanna read!

I wanna eat!

But, sir- I want my year's supply

of Rice-A-Roni, plus all the extra Rice-A-Roni

I would have accrued in interest over the past three decades!

Yeah, uh...

no?

Didn't wanna use this,

but you forced my hand.

Wait a minute.

Hello?

Darling, Lou has an envelope for me out in the garage.

So?

I need you to fax me the photo of Dick Clark

locked in a muddy embrace with Fannie Flag.

It's from The Battle of the Network Stars.

Dad- No, I can't.

I'm about to get in the shower here.

I need it! Hold on!

What the hell is going on here?

We're training.

You were fast asleep.

I was resting between sets.

And you, how can you let this happen?

I'm weak. But please don't tell my wife.

Just get outta here.

Could I at least save my game to the memory card?

So weak.

So this has been going on

during your training sessions.

Lou plays video games while you sleep and eat.

And read.

And all that crap

about me being "the wind beneath your wings. "

Did you even work out at all?

Define "at all. "

Doug, if you didn't wanna work out,

why didn't you just let me quit when I wanted to

and end the whole thing?

Because I wanted to help you.

You said you could stand to lose like 10 or 15 pounds.

I- I just-

I said I could stand to lose a couple of pounds.

Hm? Yeah.

I said a couple of pounds.

You just said 10 or 15.

A couple, that's a figure of speech,

like when I say I'm going to White Castle

and getting a couple of burgers.

Everyone knows it's 10, 15.

Oh, I see.

So you kept up this whole charade

because you wanted me to lose weight?

Define "charade. "

Okay, so you think I'm fat now? No!

Yeah- No, obviously you do. I mean, just admit it.

Be a man and just say it.

This is a trap.

No, it is not a trap.

It feels like a trap because...

I have the same bad feeling I did

when you made me agree you have a slight, slight mustache.

Doug, this is not a trap.

I just wanna know my husband's honest feelings.

That's all.

Okay, I guess...

it wouldn't hurt you if you lost a few pounds.

Ow!

Look, why is it okay that you can get on me

about my weight every day,

but I can't say a thing to you

if you need to drop a few?

Because that's just the way it is.

Carrie, look, all right- Look, come here.

I got carried away, all right?

I swear to you, I don't even care what size you are.

I love you no matter what.

Thank you.

I appreciate that, Doug.

However, I still think you need to lose more than 30 pounds.

What?! Yeah, that's right.

More than 30-? That's right.

You heard me, okay?

And this is how we're gonna do it.

I'm gonna keep working out

only to be supportive of you,

because I don't need to lose weight.

Isn't that right, Doug?

I'm supposed to say yes here, right?

I don't know. You can say whatever you want.

I wanna say yes.

Yes, that would be correct.

Yeah. So you know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna clean out the cupboards

of all the junk food,

starting with the Ring Dings-

Yeah, about the Ring Dings, um...

You ate them during your "workouts"?

I wanna say yes.

Ugh.

Good. Now, let's go hit the weights.

Hey, kids, so, what do you feel like tonight?

Original or Cajun-chicken flavor?