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1
00:00:07,756 --> 00:00:10,224
Hey, perfect timing.
I'm just about to plug her in.
2
00:00:10,225 --> 00:00:11,992
Oh, okay, good.
Fire her up.
3
00:00:11,993 --> 00:00:14,928
And let there
be light.
4
00:00:18,717 --> 00:00:21,185
Wow,
that's... festive.
5
00:00:21,186 --> 00:00:22,919
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
6
00:00:23,955 --> 00:00:25,222
Huh?
7
00:00:25,223 --> 00:00:26,640
All right.
8
00:00:26,641 --> 00:00:29,276
Seventy-nine more to go.
9
00:00:30,562 --> 00:00:33,129
I see my timing is perfect.
10
00:00:33,130 --> 00:00:34,965
I spent the day
at the senior center,
11
00:00:34,966 --> 00:00:38,569
crafting a one-of-a-kind
ornament for our tree.
12
00:00:41,373 --> 00:00:42,623
Okay.
13
00:00:42,624 --> 00:00:44,458
What is this?
14
00:00:44,459 --> 00:00:47,661
It started out as a coffee mug.
It became a reindeer.
15
00:00:47,662 --> 00:00:49,630
Hang it up, please.
16
00:00:49,631 --> 00:00:51,030
No. It doesn't look
like a reindeer.
17
00:00:51,031 --> 00:00:53,801
It looks like something
a reindeer left behind.
18
00:00:53,802 --> 00:00:56,637
Don't push me
during the holidays.
19
00:00:56,638 --> 00:00:58,589
Doug,
just do what he says.
20
00:00:58,590 --> 00:01:01,541
Carrie, this thing's a brick.
It'll drag the whole tree down.
21
00:01:01,542 --> 00:01:05,479
Hang it up or I'll bust
this angel wide open.
22
00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:07,030
Hey, put that down.
It's fragile.
23
00:01:07,031 --> 00:01:08,148
So help me, I'll do it.
24
00:01:08,149 --> 00:01:09,249
You do Vixen here
25
00:01:09,250 --> 00:01:10,818
is coming
right at your head!
26
00:01:10,819 --> 00:01:12,002
You what?
Yeah? Try me!
27
00:01:12,003 --> 00:01:15,606
All right, the both of you,
stop it! Stop it!
28
00:01:16,775 --> 00:01:19,476
Where is your Christmas spirit?
29
00:01:24,332 --> 00:01:26,182
Now, Dad,
I will find
30
00:01:26,183 --> 00:01:29,653
a prime place for this
on the tree, okay?
31
00:01:29,654 --> 00:01:31,455
Now, hand over
the angel,
32
00:01:31,456 --> 00:01:33,089
nice and slow.
33
00:01:39,214 --> 00:01:41,431
This isn't over.
34
00:02:19,603 --> 00:02:20,635
So, what's
the deal?
35
00:02:20,636 --> 00:02:22,471
Can we, uh,
go home yet or what?
36
00:02:22,472 --> 00:02:24,940
No, honey, we have to finish
our gift list.
37
00:02:24,941 --> 00:02:26,058
We don't need a list.
38
00:02:26,059 --> 00:02:27,860
I can get all our shopping
done in an hour.
39
00:02:27,861 --> 00:02:30,145
Honey, I saved very carefully
this year
40
00:02:30,146 --> 00:02:32,231
so everyone
would get a nice gift.
41
00:02:32,232 --> 00:02:34,099
Last year, you did all
your Christmas shopping
42
00:02:34,100 --> 00:02:36,902
at a gas-station minimart.
43
00:02:36,903 --> 00:02:40,906
Everyone got
The Best of Eddie Rabbitt.
44
00:02:40,907 --> 00:02:42,608
Not everyone. Oh, yeah, that's right.
45
00:02:42,609 --> 00:02:46,428
Your mother did get a bottle
of herbal trucker's speed.
46
00:02:46,429 --> 00:02:49,364
Hey, she painted our garage
in under an hour.
47
00:02:51,668 --> 00:02:53,969
Okay, look, I need you to finish
paying for this stuff,
48
00:02:53,970 --> 00:02:55,871
and then I need you
to go next door to buy these
49
00:02:55,872 --> 00:02:57,223
at Leather World.
50
00:02:57,224 --> 00:02:58,540
Leather World. Kinky.
51
00:02:58,541 --> 00:02:59,592
Yeah.
52
00:02:59,593 --> 00:03:02,394
Winter gloves.
Real kinky.
53
00:03:02,395 --> 00:03:04,146
Winter sex gloves.
54
00:03:04,147 --> 00:03:06,515
All right, I'll meet you
back here in a half-hour, okay?
55
00:03:06,516 --> 00:03:07,850
All right.
All right.
56
00:03:09,185 --> 00:03:10,385
Excuse me?
57
00:03:10,386 --> 00:03:11,720
Oh, yes?
58
00:03:11,721 --> 00:03:13,772
Sorry to bother you,
but, uh...
59
00:03:13,773 --> 00:03:16,492
I can't decide which one
of these sweaters to buy.
60
00:03:16,493 --> 00:03:19,695
Oh, okay, well,
first off, who's it for?
61
00:03:19,696 --> 00:03:22,531
My sister
and she's very picky.
62
00:03:22,532 --> 00:03:25,834
Okay, well...
You know what?
63
00:03:25,835 --> 00:03:28,504
I would go with the black one
because she can wear it to work,
64
00:03:28,505 --> 00:03:30,405
and then she can wear it
for goin' out at night.
65
00:03:31,741 --> 00:03:32,925
You know,
66
00:03:32,926 --> 00:03:34,409
I almost went
with the brown one,
67
00:03:34,410 --> 00:03:35,844
because when you held it up,
68
00:03:35,845 --> 00:03:37,679
it really brought out
your eyes.
69
00:03:39,716 --> 00:03:40,983
Oh...
70
00:03:40,984 --> 00:03:43,936
That's so sweet.
Thank you.
71
00:03:43,937 --> 00:03:45,221
And you're very beautiful.
72
00:03:47,140 --> 00:03:48,790
Hey, babe,
73
00:03:48,791 --> 00:03:50,860
what's up?
74
00:03:50,861 --> 00:03:52,561
Hi.
75
00:03:52,562 --> 00:03:55,781
Yeah, just shoppin'
with my three favorite people:
76
00:03:55,782 --> 00:03:58,951
my wife, my love
and my lady.
77
00:03:58,952 --> 00:04:00,402
Okay. Yeah? How about you?
78
00:04:00,403 --> 00:04:01,904
Ya got everything
you need?
79
00:04:01,905 --> 00:04:03,555
Uh, yes,
looks like I do.
80
00:04:03,556 --> 00:04:04,907
Hm.
81
00:04:04,908 --> 00:04:07,243
Well... thanks again.
82
00:04:07,244 --> 00:04:08,077
Oh,
you're welcome.
83
00:04:08,078 --> 00:04:09,945
Happy holidays.
Mmm.
84
00:04:13,383 --> 00:04:15,000
What is the matter
with you?
85
00:04:15,001 --> 00:04:16,135
He was hittin' on you.
86
00:04:16,136 --> 00:04:18,254
You don't have to be
so rude to him.
87
00:04:18,255 --> 00:04:20,589
Hey. Guy hits on my woman,
I'm gonna throw down.
88
00:04:20,590 --> 00:04:23,092
Really? How come you didn't
do anything to that bank teller
89
00:04:23,093 --> 00:04:24,593
when he asked me out
last week?
90
00:04:24,594 --> 00:04:26,928
'Cause he was
almost my height.
91
00:05:35,298 --> 00:05:36,565
May I help you?
Oh.
92
00:05:36,566 --> 00:05:39,000
Yeah, I don't think
this is the right size.
93
00:05:40,587 --> 00:05:43,355
You know, I am looking at you,
and I am thinking,
94
00:05:43,356 --> 00:05:44,756
a Guiseppe Gimali,
95
00:05:44,757 --> 00:05:47,343
three-quarter length
leather duster.
96
00:05:47,344 --> 00:05:50,095
Didn't understand a word
you just said.
97
00:05:50,096 --> 00:05:51,847
Shall I ring up
those gloves?
98
00:05:51,848 --> 00:05:53,315
Oh, yeah, sure.
Okay.
99
00:05:53,316 --> 00:05:55,150
Will that be
cash or charge?
100
00:05:55,151 --> 00:05:56,101
Charge.
101
00:06:01,992 --> 00:06:04,593
You lost
your wallet?
102
00:06:04,594 --> 00:06:06,912
It looks that way.
Are you sure?
103
00:06:06,913 --> 00:06:08,964
I won't be positive
until I shower tonight,
104
00:06:08,965 --> 00:06:10,699
but I think it's gone.
105
00:06:10,700 --> 00:06:12,567
Well, the leather store
was only 20 feet away.
106
00:06:12,568 --> 00:06:15,421
So it's gotta be somewhere
between here and there.
107
00:06:15,422 --> 00:06:17,840
Actually, I may have made
a couple stops
108
00:06:17,841 --> 00:06:19,174
before the leather store.
109
00:06:21,044 --> 00:06:22,795
Okay, so where
did you go first?
110
00:06:22,796 --> 00:06:26,265
Well, first I went right here
to Paws and Claws.
111
00:06:26,266 --> 00:06:27,549
Paws and Claws?
112
00:06:27,550 --> 00:06:28,767
Yeah,
the pet store.
113
00:06:28,768 --> 00:06:30,436
Why? What did you do
in the pet store?
114
00:06:30,437 --> 00:06:32,771
Held a puppy.
115
00:06:32,772 --> 00:06:34,640
And then you went
to Leather World?
116
00:06:34,641 --> 00:06:35,990
No, then I went
to Barnes & Noble
117
00:06:35,991 --> 00:06:38,193
to look up dog names,
in case you let me get a puppy.
118
00:06:38,194 --> 00:06:40,795
I like Hondo.
What do you think?
119
00:06:43,099 --> 00:06:45,150
Anyway, uh...
120
00:06:45,151 --> 00:06:46,402
Then I went
to the second level,
121
00:06:46,403 --> 00:06:48,904
where I tried on sunglasses,
sat in a massage chair
122
00:06:48,905 --> 00:06:50,839
and watched a little bit
of the teen fashion show.
123
00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:52,541
It's pretty cool,
'cause I could see it
124
00:06:52,542 --> 00:06:54,075
from the massage chair.
125
00:06:55,545 --> 00:06:59,415
Then I went over here
to Lady Foot Locker.
126
00:06:59,416 --> 00:07:01,216
Why?
127
00:07:01,217 --> 00:07:03,502
I saw C�line Dion
in there.
128
00:07:03,503 --> 00:07:07,423
Oh, okay, C�line Dion
shops at Lady Foot Locker?
129
00:07:07,424 --> 00:07:08,673
No.
C�line Dion
130
00:07:08,674 --> 00:07:10,609
works
at Lady Foot Locker.
131
00:07:10,610 --> 00:07:12,594
Anyway,
it wasn't her.
132
00:07:12,595 --> 00:07:13,462
Okay,
you know what?
133
00:07:13,463 --> 00:07:15,431
Please, let's just
retrace your steps
134
00:07:15,432 --> 00:07:17,099
and maybe we can find
your wallet.
135
00:07:17,100 --> 00:07:19,401
Cool.
I'll show you Hondo.
136
00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:25,507
I cannot believe
I lost it.
137
00:07:25,508 --> 00:07:28,076
I mean,
my driver's license,
138
00:07:28,077 --> 00:07:30,813
my insurance card,
my gym membership.
139
00:07:31,931 --> 00:07:34,232
Yeah, without that
and your library card,
140
00:07:34,233 --> 00:07:36,251
how will you live?
141
00:07:36,252 --> 00:07:39,121
I just don't understand.
It's like it vanished.
142
00:07:39,122 --> 00:07:41,923
Yeah. Along with the other
five wallets that you've lost.
143
00:07:41,924 --> 00:07:46,128
Including the one
that was chained to your pants.
144
00:07:46,129 --> 00:07:48,046
I still can't figure
that one out.
145
00:07:48,047 --> 00:07:51,266
I lost my pants, Carrie.
It's not a big mystery.
146
00:07:51,267 --> 00:07:52,517
Okay,
you know what?
147
00:07:52,518 --> 00:07:54,419
Let's just cancel
your credit cards
148
00:07:54,420 --> 00:07:57,121
and try to enjoy
the holidays, okay?
149
00:07:57,122 --> 00:07:59,441
So it was just the Visa
and the Amex, right?
150
00:07:59,442 --> 00:08:01,059
Yeah, and, uh,
151
00:08:01,060 --> 00:08:03,312
some other ones.
152
00:08:03,313 --> 00:08:05,197
What other ones?
153
00:08:05,198 --> 00:08:07,849
Well, every day they send me
these applications in the mail.
154
00:08:07,850 --> 00:08:11,319
Sign up for a Jets card
and get a free Jets hat.
155
00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:14,907
Sign up for a Knicks card
and earn Knick bucks.
156
00:08:14,908 --> 00:08:18,577
What the hell
are Knick bucks?
157
00:08:18,578 --> 00:08:20,329
I don't know,
but if I get 20,000 of 'em,
158
00:08:20,330 --> 00:08:22,297
I get a free hat.
159
00:08:22,298 --> 00:08:25,434
Doug, I accept the fact that
I'm the responsible one, okay?
160
00:08:25,435 --> 00:08:28,736
I do all our finances,
I plan for our retirement,
161
00:08:28,737 --> 00:08:31,306
I check us both
for lumps,
162
00:08:31,307 --> 00:08:33,708
and I real-
I don't expect you to help me,
163
00:08:33,709 --> 00:08:36,478
but now you're just
actively screwing me over.
164
00:08:36,479 --> 00:08:37,979
I just don't understand this.
165
00:08:37,980 --> 00:08:41,016
I swear, I took my wallet out.
I paid for your dad's sweater.
166
00:08:41,017 --> 00:08:43,618
I put my wallet back,
and I-
167
00:08:43,619 --> 00:08:45,287
Wait a second.
168
00:08:45,288 --> 00:08:48,106
That guy-
That guy, he picked my pocket!
169
00:08:48,107 --> 00:08:49,241
What guy?
170
00:08:49,242 --> 00:08:50,792
You know.
171
00:08:50,793 --> 00:08:53,028
Little Romeo.
172
00:08:53,029 --> 00:08:54,596
Oh, my G-
Okay, Doug.
173
00:08:54,597 --> 00:08:58,033
You have tried to blame
your stupidity on other people,
174
00:08:58,034 --> 00:09:00,869
but this-
This is just sad.
175
00:09:00,870 --> 00:09:02,621
No. I'm tellin' you,
he took it.
176
00:09:02,622 --> 00:09:05,040
Oh, you just have it in for him
'cause he was hitting on me.
177
00:09:05,041 --> 00:09:07,275
Maybe he was hitting on you
just to create a diversion
178
00:09:07,276 --> 00:09:08,844
so he could grab
my wallet.
179
00:09:08,845 --> 00:09:10,462
Oh, please.
180
00:09:10,463 --> 00:09:12,230
Right, what was I thinkin'?
I mean, he had to be
181
00:09:12,231 --> 00:09:14,966
hittin' on you
'cause you're so damn hot.
182
00:09:19,022 --> 00:09:20,321
Okay, you know what,
Doug?
183
00:09:20,322 --> 00:09:23,258
I don't want you to buy me
a gift this year, okay?
184
00:09:23,259 --> 00:09:24,593
All I want
for Christmas
185
00:09:24,594 --> 00:09:26,728
is for you to stop acting
like a big baby
186
00:09:26,729 --> 00:09:28,447
and grow up.
187
00:09:28,448 --> 00:09:30,081
No. I gave you that
last year.
188
00:09:36,271 --> 00:09:38,021
Now,
if I cancel my credit card,
189
00:09:38,022 --> 00:09:40,690
do I still get to keep
the Knick bucks?
190
00:09:40,691 --> 00:09:44,261
I do? Great! Oh, that's great.
Thank you very much.
191
00:09:48,283 --> 00:09:49,600
What the hell's goin' on?
192
00:09:49,601 --> 00:09:50,801
Danny and I just got attacked
193
00:09:50,802 --> 00:09:52,553
by a bunch of kids
throwin' snowballs.
194
00:09:52,554 --> 00:09:55,422
Where's Danny?
He's not here?
195
00:09:55,423 --> 00:09:56,807
I thought
he was ahead of me.
196
00:09:56,808 --> 00:09:58,275
Cut it out!
Just quit it!
197
00:10:05,449 --> 00:10:07,067
Where'd ya go?
198
00:10:07,068 --> 00:10:09,603
Once they ran out
from behind the station wagon,
199
00:10:09,604 --> 00:10:11,822
it was every man for himself.
200
00:10:11,823 --> 00:10:14,941
Aw, man, that Chinese kid's
got an arm.
201
00:10:17,662 --> 00:10:19,262
Okay, guys,
so, what's the plan now?
202
00:10:19,263 --> 00:10:21,966
Are you gonna hang out here
till the streetlights come on?
203
00:10:21,967 --> 00:10:24,034
We're on our way to Cooper's
to catch the second half
204
00:10:24,035 --> 00:10:25,636
of the game.
Get your coat on.
205
00:10:25,637 --> 00:10:27,755
Nah. You know what?
I pass.
206
00:10:27,756 --> 00:10:29,423
Come on, 2-for-1 pitchers.
Yeah, come on.
207
00:10:29,424 --> 00:10:31,258
It's all right, man.
I'm not goin'.
208
00:10:31,259 --> 00:10:32,259
Why not?
'Cause I'm not.
209
00:10:32,260 --> 00:10:33,627
Why not?
Becau- I-
210
00:10:33,628 --> 00:10:36,329
I spent my allowance
already, okay?
211
00:10:36,330 --> 00:10:37,565
What?
212
00:10:37,566 --> 00:10:39,183
Carrie and I got into a fight,
all right.
213
00:10:39,184 --> 00:10:40,617
And to teach me a lesson,
she-
214
00:10:40,618 --> 00:10:42,786
- put me on an allowance.
215
00:10:46,391 --> 00:10:48,442
Why don't you sell
your bike?
216
00:10:51,930 --> 00:10:53,797
That's pretty tough talk
comin' from a guy
217
00:10:53,798 --> 00:10:56,533
who just got chased
into my house by a 12-year-old.
218
00:10:56,534 --> 00:10:58,685
It was
five 12-year-olds.
219
00:10:58,686 --> 00:11:00,721
And three of them
were guys.
220
00:11:02,257 --> 00:11:03,323
Well, I'm not goin',
so go-
221
00:11:03,324 --> 00:11:04,959
Go to Cooper's
and have a good time.
222
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:06,143
Aw, all right.
223
00:11:06,144 --> 00:11:07,911
Hey, let's-
Let's go out the back door.
224
00:11:07,912 --> 00:11:09,213
Oh, good idea.
225
00:11:09,214 --> 00:11:10,647
We'll grab some
garbage-can covers,
226
00:11:10,648 --> 00:11:12,315
use them as shields.
Oh, good idea.
227
00:11:15,753 --> 00:11:17,021
Hello?
228
00:11:17,022 --> 00:11:19,289
This is he.
229
00:11:19,290 --> 00:11:21,691
Yes,
that is my credit card.
230
00:11:21,692 --> 00:11:24,328
Are there any charges
on it?
231
00:11:24,329 --> 00:11:26,430
Really?
232
00:11:26,431 --> 00:11:28,232
Really?
233
00:11:28,233 --> 00:11:29,633
Uh-huh.
234
00:11:29,634 --> 00:11:31,235
Thank you.
235
00:11:31,236 --> 00:11:34,371
Thank you very much.
236
00:11:34,372 --> 00:11:36,139
Hey, Columbo.
237
00:11:36,140 --> 00:11:38,993
How's the, uh,
manhunt goin'?
238
00:11:38,994 --> 00:11:42,663
Oh, I just got a call
that blew this case wide open.
239
00:11:42,664 --> 00:11:43,797
Oh, yeah?
240
00:11:43,798 --> 00:11:44,915
Mm-hm.
Here are some charges
241
00:11:44,916 --> 00:11:47,651
that were just made on one
of my missing credit cards.
242
00:11:47,652 --> 00:11:50,054
Read 'em and weep.
243
00:11:50,055 --> 00:11:51,505
Pablo's Tailor Shop.
244
00:11:51,506 --> 00:11:53,173
Yeah.
Now, tell me,
245
00:11:53,174 --> 00:11:58,479
what kind of a guy goes
to get his clothes altered?
246
00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:00,413
You.
247
00:12:00,414 --> 00:12:02,883
I mean, I've let your pants out
so many times,
248
00:12:02,884 --> 00:12:06,219
the tailor invited me
to his daughter's wedding.
249
00:12:06,220 --> 00:12:07,404
Okay, fine.
250
00:12:07,405 --> 00:12:08,622
But
how do you explain these?
251
00:12:08,623 --> 00:12:11,725
The boys' department at Saks,
huh?
252
00:12:11,726 --> 00:12:13,293
Island Minigolf.
253
00:12:13,294 --> 00:12:15,646
Which is like regular golf
for him.
254
00:12:17,499 --> 00:12:18,615
And The Ladder Store.
255
00:12:18,616 --> 00:12:22,585
That's right,
The Ladder Store.
256
00:12:22,586 --> 00:12:26,040
Now,
who needs a ladder?
257
00:12:26,041 --> 00:12:29,843
Um, a contractor,
a painter, a tree trimmer,
258
00:12:29,844 --> 00:12:31,277
a window washer.
259
00:12:31,278 --> 00:12:33,597
That's just to name a few.
260
00:12:33,598 --> 00:12:35,683
It's him,
and you know it is.
261
00:12:35,684 --> 00:12:37,084
No. What I know
is that you're a screwup,
262
00:12:37,085 --> 00:12:39,720
who just cost himself
next week's allowance.
263
00:12:39,721 --> 00:12:42,990
You just can't face the fact
that he was after my wallet.
264
00:12:42,991 --> 00:12:46,894
He was trying to get
in my pants, not yours.
265
00:12:49,414 --> 00:12:52,733
Just cost yourself
another week, buddy boy.
266
00:12:52,734 --> 00:12:55,335
You- You are livin'
in a fantasy world, okay?
267
00:12:55,336 --> 00:12:57,454
Because I got enough proof,
and I'll tell you what,
268
00:12:57,455 --> 00:12:59,773
I'm goin' to the cops.
269
00:13:03,461 --> 00:13:04,594
Okay,
I don't have a license,
270
00:13:04,595 --> 00:13:06,079
so I'm gonna need you
to drive me.
271
00:13:14,456 --> 00:13:15,789
Mr. Heffernan?
272
00:13:15,790 --> 00:13:18,058
Detective Perry said
he'll be just another minute.
273
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:21,861
Why are they makin' us
wait so long?
274
00:13:21,862 --> 00:13:23,397
I don't know,
Doug.
275
00:13:23,398 --> 00:13:24,947
They're probably all
wastin' their time
276
00:13:24,948 --> 00:13:26,483
on some pesky murder.
277
00:13:26,484 --> 00:13:30,553
Boy, you got some sass,
mujer.
278
00:13:32,323 --> 00:13:33,423
Mr. Heffernan?
279
00:13:36,578 --> 00:13:37,995
I'm Detective Perry.
280
00:13:37,996 --> 00:13:40,948
Hey there.
How ya doin' there?
281
00:13:40,949 --> 00:13:43,367
I understand, uh,
someone stole your wallet.
282
00:13:43,368 --> 00:13:45,119
Uh, yeah.
283
00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:46,185
Yeah, Doug, why don't you, uh,
284
00:13:46,186 --> 00:13:48,205
go ahead and tell the detective
who did it?
285
00:13:48,206 --> 00:13:50,640
Uh, yeah, I-
I was shopping,
286
00:13:50,641 --> 00:13:52,842
and this guy was talkin'
to my, uh, wife,
287
00:13:52,843 --> 00:13:54,744
and he- He-
He took it.
288
00:13:55,930 --> 00:13:57,297
What'd this guy
look like?
289
00:13:58,916 --> 00:14:00,717
Oh, just-
White guy.
290
00:14:00,718 --> 00:14:03,220
Uh, spiky hair.
291
00:14:03,221 --> 00:14:06,056
Probably in his 30s.
Yeah, that's the guy.
292
00:14:06,057 --> 00:14:08,592
Hey, honey, could you
be any more specific?
293
00:14:09,994 --> 00:14:12,212
Yeah, did he have any
distinctive characteristics?
294
00:14:12,213 --> 00:14:14,481
Anything unique that would
help us ID him. Anything.
295
00:14:14,482 --> 00:14:18,551
Distinctive...
296
00:14:18,552 --> 00:14:20,287
Let's see.
He was, uh...
297
00:14:20,288 --> 00:14:23,090
Uh, dressed very nicely.
298
00:14:23,091 --> 00:14:26,994
I think he was wearin'
some kind of cologne.
299
00:14:26,995 --> 00:14:29,762
He was a midget, and, uh...
300
00:14:29,763 --> 00:14:31,832
I think
he was wearin' jeans.
301
00:14:31,833 --> 00:14:33,717
Uh, I'm sorry.
What did you say?
302
00:14:33,718 --> 00:14:36,053
Jeans. I think
he was wearing jeans.
303
00:14:36,054 --> 00:14:37,370
Before that
you said something.
304
00:14:37,371 --> 00:14:38,288
Oh, uh,
305
00:14:38,289 --> 00:14:39,489
he was a midget.
306
00:14:42,176 --> 00:14:43,927
I'm not catching this.
307
00:14:43,928 --> 00:14:45,679
He was a midget.
308
00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:46,680
He was in what?
309
00:14:46,681 --> 00:14:48,414
He was-
I can't-
310
00:14:48,415 --> 00:14:49,483
Mr. Heffernan-
311
00:14:49,484 --> 00:14:50,867
He's a midget!
312
00:14:52,636 --> 00:14:54,654
I'm sorry. I know
that's not the right word.
313
00:14:54,655 --> 00:14:56,356
Okay.
No offense. I-
314
00:14:56,357 --> 00:14:58,108
Why would I take offense?
315
00:14:58,109 --> 00:14:59,910
I'm not sayin'
that you're a-
316
00:14:59,911 --> 00:15:01,344
You're a-
You know-
317
00:15:01,345 --> 00:15:02,478
A midget?
318
00:15:02,479 --> 00:15:05,548
No. You're way past
the cutoff, right?
319
00:15:13,691 --> 00:15:15,892
Well, well,
320
00:15:15,893 --> 00:15:19,028
who put a lump of coal
in your stocking?
321
00:15:20,831 --> 00:15:23,166
It's nothin'.
It's just...
322
00:15:23,167 --> 00:15:25,618
This little person
stole my wallet,
323
00:15:25,619 --> 00:15:27,771
and nobody believes me.
324
00:15:27,772 --> 00:15:29,873
Oh,
the little people.
325
00:15:29,874 --> 00:15:32,693
So small yet so cunning.
326
00:15:32,694 --> 00:15:35,345
Yeah. I mean, Carrie thinks
I got it in for this guy
327
00:15:35,346 --> 00:15:36,947
just 'cause he hit on her.
328
00:15:36,948 --> 00:15:41,184
Well, we all know her taste
in men runs to the extreme.
329
00:15:42,737 --> 00:15:44,655
What makes you so sure
it's him?
330
00:15:44,656 --> 00:15:47,124
Look at the charges
on my credit card.
331
00:15:51,028 --> 00:15:52,662
Why,
any fool could tell
332
00:15:52,663 --> 00:15:54,730
these are the charges
of the tiny.
333
00:15:56,301 --> 00:15:57,634
Exactly.
I mean-
334
00:15:57,635 --> 00:15:59,636
You're the only one
who believes me.
335
00:15:59,637 --> 00:16:00,920
Great.
336
00:16:00,921 --> 00:16:02,556
This is no time
for self-pity.
337
00:16:02,557 --> 00:16:04,724
There's a criminal
on the loose.
338
00:16:04,725 --> 00:16:07,260
We'll call these stores
and see if anyone remembers
339
00:16:07,261 --> 00:16:09,429
who used your card.
340
00:16:09,430 --> 00:16:11,014
Y- y-you think someone will?
341
00:16:11,015 --> 00:16:12,882
I worked in retail.
342
00:16:12,883 --> 00:16:15,585
If a little person
walked into my shop,
343
00:16:15,586 --> 00:16:18,622
it was all I could
talk about for years.
344
00:16:23,778 --> 00:16:25,545
Appreciate you
driving me, Arthur,
345
00:16:25,546 --> 00:16:28,315
but, uh, could you
speed it up a little?
346
00:16:28,316 --> 00:16:31,050
I follow
the rules of the road.
347
00:16:32,803 --> 00:16:34,770
Okay, we just got passed
by a shopping cart.
348
00:16:34,771 --> 00:16:36,006
Come on.
349
00:16:36,007 --> 00:16:37,607
Are you sure
this is a strong lead?
350
00:16:37,608 --> 00:16:38,774
Positive.
351
00:16:38,775 --> 00:16:39,926
The Ladder Store said,
352
00:16:39,927 --> 00:16:42,462
"A little fella by
the name of Doug Heffernan
353
00:16:42,463 --> 00:16:44,747
just bought himself
a step stool. "
354
00:16:44,748 --> 00:16:46,649
She also said
she remembers him saying
355
00:16:46,650 --> 00:16:48,584
that it was for his job
at the mall.
356
00:16:50,271 --> 00:16:52,989
You know,
we're quite a team.
357
00:16:52,990 --> 00:16:55,892
Like Jake and the Fatman.
358
00:16:55,893 --> 00:16:57,760
Needless to say,
I'm Jake.
359
00:16:59,897 --> 00:17:04,234
There's just one more person
I need to invite to the party.
360
00:17:04,235 --> 00:17:07,470
Hey, Car, it's, uh, me.
It's, uh...
361
00:17:07,471 --> 00:17:09,572
Let's see. It's 6:30 now.
362
00:17:09,573 --> 00:17:12,375
Do me a favor.
Meet me at the mall ASAP.
363
00:17:12,376 --> 00:17:14,661
I got a little surprise
for ya.
364
00:17:14,662 --> 00:17:16,662
Little surprise.
Marvelous.
365
00:17:25,590 --> 00:17:27,256
How are we gonna
find this guy?
366
00:17:27,257 --> 00:17:28,992
There's, like,
a million people here.
367
00:17:28,993 --> 00:17:32,361
Vigilante justice
takes patience, Douglas.
368
00:17:32,362 --> 00:17:35,482
Hey, do you see
what I see?
369
00:17:35,483 --> 00:17:38,802
The Panda Express?
Because I could eat.
370
00:17:38,803 --> 00:17:41,571
No, that elf over there.
That's the guy.
371
00:17:41,572 --> 00:17:43,172
All right,
hand over my wallet.
372
00:17:44,208 --> 00:17:45,442
What?
373
00:17:45,443 --> 00:17:47,694
Oh, I'm sorry. I-
374
00:17:47,695 --> 00:17:50,697
I thought you were this
other guy who stole my wallet.
375
00:17:50,698 --> 00:17:52,198
Oh, ho, ho. I get it.
376
00:17:52,199 --> 00:17:54,501
Because I'm black.
377
00:17:54,502 --> 00:17:56,119
No, no, no, no.
Not 'cause you're black.
378
00:17:56,120 --> 00:17:58,705
'Cause you're a-
A little person.
379
00:17:58,706 --> 00:18:01,375
Oh, so now all little people
are thieves?
380
00:18:01,376 --> 00:18:02,709
No, that's not
what I'm sayin'.
381
00:18:02,710 --> 00:18:04,611
How would you feel
if I walked around sayin',
382
00:18:04,612 --> 00:18:08,682
someone stole my donut,
it must have been the fat guy.
383
00:18:08,683 --> 00:18:11,050
Whoa!
Where'd my Christmas ham go?
384
00:18:11,051 --> 00:18:13,553
Gee, I wonder.
385
00:18:13,554 --> 00:18:15,222
All right, all right,
all right, all right!
386
00:18:15,223 --> 00:18:17,423
You made your point.
I'm sorry, man. Jeez.
387
00:18:17,424 --> 00:18:18,725
That's right!
388
00:18:18,726 --> 00:18:20,460
You better leave, tubby.
389
00:18:21,896 --> 00:18:23,546
Hey! Hey!
390
00:18:26,416 --> 00:18:28,452
Hey, I know
it was you!
391
00:18:28,453 --> 00:18:30,237
Don't know what
you're talking about.
392
00:18:30,238 --> 00:18:32,439
Yeah? You stole my wallet,
and you used my credit cards.
393
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:34,374
I wrote down all the charges
right here.
394
00:18:34,375 --> 00:18:37,494
All right, I did it,
but it serves you right.
395
00:18:37,495 --> 00:18:38,795
What are you
talkin' about?
396
00:18:38,796 --> 00:18:40,914
I was having a nice conversation
with your wife,
397
00:18:40,915 --> 00:18:42,082
and you came over,
398
00:18:42,083 --> 00:18:43,649
and you made me feel
like garbage.
399
00:18:43,650 --> 00:18:45,719
So I just grabbed your wallet.
400
00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:47,420
Careful, Douglas.
He's cornered.
401
00:18:47,421 --> 00:18:50,256
There's no telling
what he might do.
402
00:18:50,257 --> 00:18:52,025
Look, I got the situation
under control.
403
00:18:52,026 --> 00:18:53,492
Why don't you go
to Panda Express?
404
00:18:53,493 --> 00:18:54,560
I could eat.
405
00:18:56,647 --> 00:18:58,498
Look, even if what you say
is true, okay,
406
00:18:58,499 --> 00:19:00,733
it doesn't give you the right
to steal my wallet.
407
00:19:02,085 --> 00:19:04,120
You're right.
408
00:19:04,121 --> 00:19:06,722
Why do I do these things?
I mean...
409
00:19:06,723 --> 00:19:08,575
I've really made a mess
of my life.
410
00:19:08,576 --> 00:19:12,412
I can't hold down a job
or make a marriage work,
411
00:19:12,413 --> 00:19:14,564
but when it comes
to screwin' up,
412
00:19:14,565 --> 00:19:17,567
man,
I'm the all-time champ.
413
00:19:18,219 --> 00:19:19,903
All right, tell you what.
414
00:19:19,904 --> 00:19:22,205
Just, uh...
give me back my wallet,
415
00:19:22,206 --> 00:19:24,007
and we'll just forget
the whole thing.
416
00:19:24,008 --> 00:19:26,293
Really? You're not
gonna call the cops?
417
00:19:26,294 --> 00:19:27,744
Nah.
418
00:19:29,046 --> 00:19:30,964
Here. All the credit cards
are in there.
419
00:19:30,965 --> 00:19:32,699
You can count 'em if you want. No.
420
00:19:33,434 --> 00:19:34,817
That's all right.
421
00:19:34,818 --> 00:19:36,103
Merry Christmas.
422
00:19:36,104 --> 00:19:39,355
You too,
Douglas Steven Heffernan.
423
00:19:42,777 --> 00:19:43,777
Doug?
424
00:19:43,778 --> 00:19:45,027
Hey, uh...
I can explain.
425
00:19:45,028 --> 00:19:46,596
You don't have
to explain anything.
426
00:19:46,597 --> 00:19:48,782
That was a very nice
thing you did.
427
00:19:48,783 --> 00:19:52,986
You're still a big baby, but...
you're a sweet big baby.
428
00:19:52,987 --> 00:19:54,420
So we, uh...
429
00:19:54,421 --> 00:19:55,705
We're good?
430
00:19:55,706 --> 00:19:57,491
We're good.
Just hang on one second.
431
00:19:57,492 --> 00:19:58,891
Uh, excuse me.
432
00:19:58,892 --> 00:20:00,243
Can I ask you
a question?
433
00:20:00,244 --> 00:20:01,161
Sure.
434
00:20:01,162 --> 00:20:03,746
You were...
hitting on me, right?
435
00:20:03,747 --> 00:20:05,515
I mean, that wasn't just
part of your scam
436
00:20:05,516 --> 00:20:06,633
to get the wallet?
437
00:20:06,634 --> 00:20:08,117
Are you kidding?
438
00:20:08,118 --> 00:20:11,555
You're an A-1 piece of tail,
honey.
439
00:20:11,556 --> 00:20:14,858
Oh, that is so sweet.
Thank you.
440
00:20:16,260 --> 00:20:18,361
Now, get the hell
outta here.
441
00:20:19,296 --> 00:20:21,431
We can go now?
Yes.
442
00:20:21,432 --> 00:20:23,099
Guess I owe you
an apology.
443
00:20:23,100 --> 00:20:26,052
Actually, I owe you
an apology too.
444
00:20:26,053 --> 00:20:27,753
He's actually an okay guy.
445
00:20:31,308 --> 00:20:32,542
Mr. Heffernan,
446
00:20:32,543 --> 00:20:34,744
welcome
to the Maui Paradise Resort.
447
00:20:34,745 --> 00:20:37,313
And how will you be paying
for your stay?
31704
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