Original subtitles

NARRATOR: A new era begins. Henry VII receives his crown.

# The Complete And Utter History Of Britain

# Complete And Utter History Of Britain

# It's all in separate episodes In separate episodes

# In separate episodes

# The complete and utter This complete and utter

# This complete and utter history

# Episode four. #

Good evening.

We start tonight with the first Tudor king, Henry VII.

His right to the succession was constantly challenged

by imposters like Perkin Warbeck, who posed as Richard, Duke of York,

one of the two princes who were murdered in the Tower,

ten years earlier.

By making Perkin Warbeck pretend to be Prince Richard returned to life,

the Earl of Warwick hoped to claim the throne

for his own wicked purposes.

Come back with me now to 1493

as Perkin Warbeck faces King Henry for the first time.

My liege, I bring you someone who you may perhaps have forgot.

What fresh mischief is this, Warwick?

No mischief, my liege. HE CLAPS

I bring you now the face of truth.

Who is this boy? I know him not.

Name thyself, boy. Oh.

I'm Richard, Duke of York,

presumed murdered in the Tower in 1483,

but by cunningly turning over onto one side

and breathing through a piece of straw, I avoided suffocation.

And after hiding for three weeks in a nearby laundry basket,

I escaped from the Tower by tying 12 sheets together

and lowering myself from a window,

eating the sheets as I went, thus leaving no trace.

I fled to Flanders

where I've remained these ten years since, waiting.

To claim the throne. What?

To claim the throne. To claim the throne.

Ah! For I am Richard, Duke of Warbeck.

Ah! Perkin, Duke of York.

Richard, Duke of York. And not an impersonator.

But the prince would be a mere lad of 13.

And so he is, my liege.

Is that not so, Richard?

Richard? Perkin! Ooh!

Me? Oh, yes.

HIGH-PITCHED: Yes, I am but a mere lad of 13.

The same age as Richard would have been... Er, is.

As Richard is. As I am, for I am Richard.

I am he, of course I am, I'm only 13. Sorry.

The lad is confused, Your Majesty, but how say you?

Is not this not the very prince...? Also...

Shut up. Right.

We shall see, my Lord Warwick, for there is one sure sign.

As I recall, the young prince had a birthmark on his left thigh.

Right thigh.

Left thigh.

I've got it on my right thigh.

The prince's mark was on his left thigh.

Er... Do, er, birthmarks move around at all?

No, they do not. No.

Oh, I've just remembered an important appointment.

I must be gone. I will return to claim...

Guards, seize these men.

Both fools who seek to usurp this sacred throne.

Get thee hence,

and know that I, Henry, rightful king of England,

do scorn thee for the fools thou art.

I also do archbishops, earls, policemen, farmyard animals.

Pea brain!

Well done, Frank, you had 'em fooled there.

IN SILLY VOICE: Yes, I'm getting better, aren't I?

The Tudor period was full of magnificent artistic achievements -

paintings, wood carvings,

rich ornamentation, beautiful objects.

And here to put the Tudor arts into perspective for us

is Professor Weaver.

Oh, I've got some absolutely fantastic things to show you.

This is a complete collection.

It's the whizzo collection of early Tudor treasures

which I bought at the Al Mambo Galleries in Cairo

for £15/17/6.

Fantastic early Tudor treasures. Now look at this. What have we here?

Do you know what that is? I know what that is. It's a brick.

Probably dropped by Henry VII himself, you see.

And here, that's a... that's a milk bottle.

That's, er, United Dairies.

Well, that shows that United Dairies

was still going strong in 1486, you see.

Incredible to think that Henry VII himself

might have drunk from that very bottle.

Incredible. Almost impossible.

There's a sock.

If there's another one of those, we're in luck.

And a bicycle pump.

I thought there was something fishy when they tried to sell me

Mary Queen of Scots' football pullover for £5/10.

Tudor treasures, my foot.

SMASHING Oh, dear.

Er, can I start again, sorry?

Thank you. Yeah, only... Yeah.

Ah, good evening.

This evening, I've got with me

an amazing collection of early Tudor treasures,

and I intend...

to give away these treasures to the nation.

For £15/17/6 or nearest offer.

Now, come on, how much am I bid?

Come on, £17. £16...

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

1474.

Quite right, I'm so sorry, 1476. Thank you.

1476 was a memorable year.

For it was then that William Caxton

set up the first printing press in England.

The spread of reading and the printed word had begun.

But in those early days, rather like the early days of television,

a book was a rare and treasured possession.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, damn, just as it was getting interesting.

Put the lights on, would you, dear?

Oh, Celia. - Richard.

Hello, Richard, how are you?

Hello, Madge, darling. It's Celia and Trevor.

Hello, Madge, just popped in. We can't stop.

How lovely to see you. How are you? Are you well?

Good heavens, look, Trevor, they've got a book.

- Oh, so they have. - How super!

We were just shutting it, actually. Marvellous.

Do sit down. We toyed with the idea of getting one, didn't we, darling?

Yes, we did. We decided against it, don't know why.

Well, of course, we only look at the odd page here and there.

Some of them are quite interesting.

Of course, there is an awful lot of rubbish.

Oh, I hope we haven't stopped you looking at it.

Oh, good heavens, no, there's nothing we wanted to read tonight.

THEY LAUGH

Although of course, if you'd like to look at it...

Well... Yes.

ALL: No, no, no. Surely no. Indeed.

I mean, I could open it, if you want.

Oh, no, Richard, don't bother, honestly, really. Really.

No, we're actually quite pleased with this one.

It is very, very reliable.

What sort is it? It's a Bible.

Oh, yes, I've heard they're very good.

They are, they are. They're very easy to open.

Come on, Richard, I'm sure you're dying to show it to us.

Oh, just a quick look, dear. Yes, come on, Richard.

OK, well, if you really want to. Shall I open it?

No, no, I'll do it, dear. I'll do it.

Erm... Which page shall I show them, dear?

44, dear, that's a good one. Yes. Right.

Er... There, 44.

Just... Stop fiddling with it, dear.

Just getting it right and smooth.

Ah. Super.

Yes. It is rather good, isn't it?

And look, if you come a bit closer... Come on.

If you look closely, you can see each page

is made up of a lot of little lines, do you see?

I see. Oh, isn't it complicated? Yes.

Don't touch it, no.

While I'm only going to turn the page over.

I'm still a bit nervous about it, though. Do be careful.

All right, all right. I'll have a go. Oh, yes.

Don't shut it, er...

Well, look, it is a book, it's meant to be opened and shut.

Yes, but the man in the shop said it was bad

to keep opening and shutting it all the time. Oh, let Trevor shut it.

Oh, well, but really be careful about it.

I'll be very careful. Gently. Yes.

ALL: Oh! THEY LAUGH

I didn't exactly hurt it, did I?

No, no, it's just these books are so jolly new,

I'm still a bit nervous of them.

THEY LAUGH

EXPLOSION

Silly, really, I suppose. I'll get used to them.

It's the Bloody Tower.

The ghost of Anne Boleyn walks this night as every night.

OWL HOOTS

BRUSHING

Anne Boleyn.

The second and perhaps most tragic wife of Henry VIII.

There can't be many people who don't know what Henry VIII looked like.

Henry VIII, the Renaissance ideal of the young, dashing prince...

...who won his subjects' devotions, not by politics,

but by his infectious gaiety and by his prowess as a sportsman.

ANNOUNCER: And now, Sportsman of the Year!

And this year, the unanimous vote

has gone to His Majesty King Henry VIII.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE STOPS

Yes, it's the centre court at Hampton Court

where Henry first makes his mark.

Just watch this service.

It's an ace! Well done, Henry.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now it's archery.

Just watch how he gets the arrow smack on target.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on the running track, too,

this sporting king shows his paces against England's best.

PISTOL FIRES

Yes, he's done it again!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Just look how his amazing new style gets him over the high jump.

He's going up. Will he make it?

Yes, he's cleared it. He's cleared it.

What a fantastic performance!

Watch it now in slow motion.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Notice how he gets one foot over first...

and here comes the other foot right behind.

Yes, he certainly leads the world in high-jump technique.

And he's not finished yet.

Yes, another record for England's number one king.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Here's his latest wife, Anne of Cleves.

INDISTINCT

Yes, well, may we say well done Henry VIII,

Sportsman of the Year!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

No study of Henry VIII would be complete

without a look at his wives.

It's sometimes difficult to remember just how many wives he had

or in what order he married them or who in fact they were.

Bear with me now as we go over to Professor Weaver.

Oh, well, it's all history.

Henry VIII, as we all know, had six wives, six whole wives.

And what I want to ask tonight is why?

Why should Henry VIII have six wives

when I've been going out with Maureen Spencer for three years

and haven't even been asked in for a coffee?

All right, Henry VIII.

Well, Henry VIII's first wife was Catherine of Aragon.

A young and, by all accounts, extremely attractive

dark-haired Spanish lady,

not unlike the Hendersons' au pair girl.

Smooth-skinned, dusky, mysterious,

sitting cross-legged on the settee playing her Max Jaffa.

Not that I've actually seen her,

but I've heard Max Jaffa coming up the stairs.

Well, I think it's ridiculous.

In this day and age, when I want to go out to the Odeon with Maureen,

her mother comes along, too.

Well, it's very embarrassing for me,

and there's not room for three of us in two seats.

Of course, Henry VIII, you see, when he wanted to get rid of one,

he divorced Catherine of Aragon, married Anne Boleyn in 1533,

and three years later, he'd fallen in love with Jane Seymour,

a willowy, wispy little creature, no flesh on her.

That's what surprises me.

I like big girls, myself, I make no mark about it. I do.

I wish I hadn't mentioned Dorita Franco, I really do.

But anyway, Henry VIII, you see, once he got fed up with Anne Boleyn,

off with her head, got rid with her.

On, straight onto the next one.

The same with his fourth wife, Catherine Howard.

Off with her head, onto the next one.

That's just what they like. A bit of masculine aggression.

I've got an axe.

That's the genuine article.

Maureen, put on the coffee, I'm coming over.

In 1547, Henry VIII died,

and we move on to the troubled reign of Edward VI.

Very little is known of this young, scholarly man

except that he built a large number of public schools,

far too many for the scant population of those days,

so there must have been a severe shortage of pupils.

All right, quiet now, settle down. Settle down, settle down!

Roll call, please, Mr Partridge.

- Potter. - Sir.

- Smith. - Sir.

They're all here, sir.

Well, thank you, Mr Partridge.

I'd like to welcome you all - both -

to this, your first term

in the latest school to be founded by His Majesty, King Edward VI.

Hip, hip, hooray. Hip, hip, hooray. Hip, hip, hooray.

Our first communal activity will be the singing of the school song.

HE WHISPERS

Our first communal activity will be a competition

to write the school song.

All entries to Mr Bacharach before the end of assembly.

Now, the school will be divided into eight forms,

four of which will be Potter and four of which will be Smith.

The finals of the one-a-side rugby competition

will be between Potter and Smith.

MASTER: Jolly good.

Meals.

All meals will be taken in the great assembly hall,

in two sessions just to help the caterers.

Potter, you can sit on table four,

Smith can sit on all the other tables.

Absentees.

Now, if Potter goes absent, then Smith will become Potter.

But if Potter...

If Smith goes absent, then Potter will still remain Potter

but will also be known officially as Smith.

Is that clear?

Now, if Potter and Smith both go absent,

then we shall have to fill in with the masters.

So, now, Mr Partridge, you can be the lower fourth,

Mr Murphy, you can be the fifth form. Stop eating.

And Mr Sopwith, you can be matron.

Oh, goody!

Now, has any boy any questions?

Put down your hand, Mr Murphy, you are a master today, not a boy.

Don't want people to think we don't know what we're doing.

This is a new school, I'm new, and you're new,

and our first most difficult problem

is to establish the proper master-pupil relationship.

I...

Smith. Smith. You're not listening.

You're so jolly boring, sir. THEY SPLUTTER

- Smith. - Yeah?

- You're smelly. - So is Potter.

Yes. Gah! Oh, you rotten weed!

Come on, staff, strike them!

THEY SHOUT

So much for education.

It is 1557, and the King of England is Queen Mary.

Now, what kind of woman was Mary Tudor?

Well, a recently unearthed statue shows us

that she was small with a badly chipped nose.

Her reign was a series of disasters,

but perhaps the most galling loss to Englishmen

was the loss of our final possession in France, Calais.

For years, England's military might had held the French in subjection.

But eventually, the French army developed

such cunning and devilish fighting techniques

that it was no longer possible for the English to resist.

MUSIC: 'La Marseillaise'

INDISTINCT

THEY SHOUT

HE EXHALES

Ugh! Garlic! Garlic, lads!

They only eat garlic!

HE PLAYS JAUNTY TUNE

ENGLISHMEN GROAN

And so, on that Beaujolais-stained battlefield of Calais,

England lost her last possession in France.

From now on, she had to look further afield for success and glory,

so join us next week in the golden age of Elizabeth

when you can...

Marvel at the mighty pen of William Shakespeare!

Discover the truth about Elizabeth I!

See Sir Francis Drake sail the world!

Watch Sir Walter Raleigh discover Virginia with Sir Humphrey Gilbert!

Virginia!

Yes, the naked truth revealed in next week's

Complete And Utter History Of Britain.

# The Complete And Utter History Of Britain

# Complete And Utter History Of Britain

# It's all in separate episodes In separate episodes

# The Complete And Utter History Of Britain

# It's all in separate episodes In separate episodes

# In separate episodes

# Complete and utter It's complete and utter

# It's complete and utter history. #