Original subtitles

BELL RINGS

NARRATOR: 1307.

Edward I lies on his deathbed.

Warwick.

WEAKLY: Warwick!

My dearest friend.

There's something I've always wanted to say.

And now, at last, I can.

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrob wllllantysiliogogogoch!

Oh! That was good, Your Majesty.

# The complete and utter history Of Britain

# The complete and utter history Of Britain

# It's all in separate episodes

# In separate episodes

# In separate episodes In separate episodes

# Complete and utter It's complete and utter

# This complete and utter history. #

# Episode Three. #

Good evening.

And welcome, once again,

to The Complete And Utter History Of Britain.

Tonight you join us in the 14th century.

The date - 1337.

Edward III has led England

into a long series of bitter wars with France.

The conflict became known as the Hundred Years War,

owing to its length.

And to give you some idea, the excitement and glamour

of this epic struggle for the domination of a continent,

over to Professor Weaver.

ALARM BLARES

Oh.

May I start by saying how terribly happy I was

when I was asked to talk to you about the Hundred Years War?

Because it's my pet subject.

That and cooking, I love cooking.

And I love the Hundred Years War.

But, you know, historians are still divided on so many points.

I mean, should you use garlic with lamb?

And is celery binding, you see?

Or should trout have friends?

But, of course, cooking has about as much relevance

to the Hundred Years War as bird-watching.

That curious hobby

which used to take me out on long trips across the Sussex marshes.

Dressed only in my Wellington boots and my binoculars.

What amazing things I saw.

The magnificent flight of the marsh heron,

as he swept, swooped his way across the sky.

And then suddenly stalled, plummeted to earth,

in a great column of flame, with three Messerschmitts on his tail.

They were exciting days.

Alone out there on the sand dunes,

with Irene,

my dachshund.

And my faithful fiancee, Fido.

We had such exciting times, searching for plovers' eggs

and re-enacting scenes from the Hundred Years War.

Hundred Years War.

I'm sorry. The Hundred Years War was fought

right across the most fertile food-producing regions of France.

From Normandy, of the creamy white cheeses,

to Roquefort, Camembert,

to the truffles of Perigord,

and the full-blooded wines of Burgundy, Bordeaux and the Seine.

The Seine trout.

And the mad salmon!

I'm slathering, I must have a small bite, if you'll excuse me.

I usually allow myself a small repast at this hour.

I always find Hundred Years War so entirely satisfying.

It goes on and on for so long, yes, never too much of it for me.

Oh, excuse me.

Next week, I shall be talking to you

about the financial stricture of Tudor England... structure, sorry.

And, of course, the workings of the Poor Law.

When they used to give away food free!

Stupid fools. Not me, they.

Sure.

APPLAUSE

1348.

The year of the Black Death.

The deadly plague swept over the country.

But in the 14th century,

doctors were totally unprepared for an epidemic of this nature.

Their lack of medical equipment

was only matched by their lack of medical knowledge.

HE SIGHS

BIRD CHITTERS

Well, Sir Montague, it doesn't look like we can do much else for you.

You'd better stay there until we can have you cleared away.

Next, please.

Ooh, oh...

Oh, ooh.

What's your trouble this time?

Well, Doctor, I fell ten foot off a cart onto a stone floor.

Ah, Black Death.

Lots of it about.

Here, swallow a live newt, you'll soon be better.

You gave me a newt last time, Doctor.

And I brought it up, and a hedgehog!

Well, if you will swallow hedgehogs.

You told me to.

What for? Indigestion.

No, no, no.

Squirrels for indigestion!

Hedgehogs are for constipation.

Just, just...

Just slip your jacket off, let me look.

Yes.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Good material.

Now, have you had the Black Death before?

I haven't got the Black Death, Doctor.

That's all boils and sores and headaches.

Oh, is it really? How very unpleasant.

And you haven't got it? No, I've got a pain in me leg.

Oh, you're still taking the toads?

Yes, but they don't seem to be doing any good.

Oh, I see. Well, where does it hurt?

It's me knee, Doctor.

Your knee?

Erm... HE CLEARS THROAT

Would you mind showing me where that is on the map?

Yes, Doctor, it's there.

Oh!

That's the knee, is it?

Well, if that's the knee, what's that bit?

Those are elbows, Doctor.

Elbows?

Not tonsils?

No, Doctor.

Oh, dear.

No wonder his arms fell off.

Oh, well, only one thing for it. What's that, Doctor?

Dead pigeons. Oh, no!

Pigeons! Wrap them round your legs before you go to bed.

But first of all,

smear your body with moss and fresh turnip juice

from Pilchard's Meadow.

Oh, no. And put 16 earthworms under your pillow

and a dead bat in your tea. Not the bat, no!

On the third Sunday after the first full moon,

dance naked round the fairy circle.

Then nip down to the magic sycamore in Carver's Wood.

Ask for Ned, the creepy goblin. Ooh!

And will he cure it, Doctor?

No, but he'll give you some penicillin to take the pain away.

Next, please!

APPLAUSE

And now, our Heroes Of History competition.

A random selection of my friends

were asked to give points out of a hundred for their favourite heroes.

And here are the results so far.

Bottom was Bede, with .5%.

Julius Caesar next, with 18%.

Boadicea and Cliff Michelmore - 24%.

That's quite a surprise, that one.

But overwhelmingly first was Henry V.

And he wins a holiday for two in the Potteries.

Henry V, son of Henry IV, parts I and II,

was born to be a hero.

A young and glamorous warrior king, Shakespeare's portrait of him

is perhaps the most acted part on the English stage today.

But what was Henry V really like?

Come back with me to the year 1415 and the Battle of Harfleur.

FANFARE

SOLDIERS CLAMOUR

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.

Or fill the wall up with our English dead.

In peace there's nothing so becomes a man as...

Prompt.

MAN: Modest stillness.

Modest stillness!

...modest stillness and humility. SWORDS CLANK

Oh, hello.

We, in the English Army, are very keen on amateur dramatics.

At the moment, we are rehearsing the Battle of Harfleur.

Next week, we're going on to do the Battle of Agincourt.

Which is a super scene, and I'm not just saying that because I win.

Anyway, if you'll excuse me a moment,

the men'll be in battle soon,

and I haven't quite finished exalting them. OK?

Stick around.

Now, then, troops.

Troops!

A word about make-up.

Don't just slap it on,

use it to highlight the features,

bring out the natural shape of the face.

And the same with costumes.

Don't overdress.

And one final thing,

remember to give all the shields back to Ken

at the end of the battle. All right?

Well, let's get in line and take it from the top.

HE CLAPS ONCE

And cue battle.

FANFARE

Once more unto the breach, once more.

Or close the wall up for England.

Come on, Sandy, love, where are you?

I like that, Alan, love, keep hitting.

In peace there's nothing so becomes a man...

Hey!

You're supposed to be leading an infantry charge, not a choir outing.

Look a bit fiercer, for God's sake!

HENRY GRUNTS

Ooh, you brute!

Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,

disguise fair nature with...

Frank, come on!

Stiffen, stiffen, that's it.

Nice and rigid!

Then lend the eye a terrible aspect!

Doug? Dougie, love, can you lend it, lend it? Head up.

Mm. Terrible. Mm!

Fathers that, like so many Alexanders...

Get back!

I say!

...have in these parts from morn till even...

Hold it! Hold it!

I'm sorry.

It's the French again.

They've got all the moves wrong.

Excusez-moi, duckies!

But we win, remember!

And you've got to move back much quicker than that.

THEY GROAN

You have, my loves, because we win.

Oh, no.

We've been over all this before.

You start to move back.

On my line, "Fathers, like so many Alexanders."

THEY SCOFF

I did not say it wrong!

FRENCH SOLDIERS CLAMOUR

All right, well, you try and say it.

You couldn't even hold a lance properly,

let alone deal with a 34-line speech.

HE SCOFFS Le boeuf!

Ooh!

Don't you dare call me that!

When you've been acting for 12 years,

you can say something like that.

THEY MUMBLE

Right, that does it!

Come on, lads, real swords this time.

We'll show these French how to act.

You bitches!

ROARING

APPLAUSE

Hello again.

The year is 1422,

the throne of England passes to Henry VI.

At this time, he was a mere babe in arms, only nine months old.

This infant king

was soon dubbed, by the rough and ready wit of his fellow Englishmen,

the Infant King.

The qualities he showed as a child stayed with him all his life.

He was humble, simple, devout.

And despised by everybody.

Except, perhaps, by Humphrey, Duke of Gloucester.

The Lord Protector.

Or Nan-Nan, as he was known.

Such a weak ruler was a sharp contrast

to the ruthful, the ruthless, I should say, pragmatist

who seized the throne in 1483 - Richard III.

Who is so often connected

with the death of his nephews, the princes, in the tower.

But could Richard really have been involved?

Could he have been such a monster?

THUNDER BOOMS

What time was the baby-sitter meant to come?

About an hour ago.

Well, we simply can't wait any longer,

we'll just have to go.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Ah! About time too.

Good evening.

Who are you? I'm the baby-sitter.

The baby-sitter.

Oh, thank goodness you've arrived.

We were beginning to think you weren't coming.

Not coming? What do you mean, not coming?!

So you think I'm a liar?

No, no, it's just that...

Miss Phillips at the agency said you'd be here by seven.

One hour late, one hour.

Is it a crime? Is it a scene, huh?

No, no, I'm sure my husband didn't mean anything like that.

Mr...? King!

King, I'm King!

Mr King.

Well, look, Mr King, we must be off.

There's a chicken in the kitchen for you. A dead chicken?

Well, yes, of course.

No, I kill my own food with my own hands.

Slowly!

Oh, I see, fine.

Well, that should keep you busy.

If there's anything you want, just let us know. Yes!

A knife, two pillows and a piece of rope.

Yes. Could you get Mr King a knife, please, dear?

A large knife!

And there's a couple of pillows on our bed you can use.

And there's a rope in the chest.

Ah!

Good. Ha-ha.

Good.

Now, where are they?

Oh, yes, of course, you'll be wanting to see the children.

They're asleep in the next room.

Bless their little souls.

Amen!

Don't they look little angels?

Sleeping there so peacefully.

Do you like children, Mr King?

When I can get them...

Get on with them.

CHUCKLING

The little dears!

Well, look, we really must be off.

We leave them in your hands.

I hope they don't cause you any trouble.

Oh, they won't. Do they, er, scream much?

Oh, no, I'm sure they won't disturb you. Good, good.

Darling, I know you're going to think me silly,

but there's just something I don't like about him.

No, nonsense, he's probably just a rather lonely person.

I'm sure he's going to frighten the children.

Well, they probably won't see him.

CHILDREN SCREAM

Damn! They saw me.

Oh, you naughty children!

Damn, the brats, they've ruined it!

Yes, they are going to make us a bit late, I'm afraid.

I'll tear them limb from limb!

Oh, come, come.

Don't be so hard on them.

They're probably just, probably just a little frightened by your hunch!

Don't mention that!

Don't even look at it, it drives me mad!

Mad!

Mad, I say, mad!

I'm sure they'll be all right now.

Ah, that's nice, Mr King. Making yourself at home.

Yes.

Nice and comfy.

Now go, go.

Yes, come on, we can't wait a minute longer. We'll be back about one.

Yes, yes. Get out!

Goodbye.

Get out, before they start screaming

in earnest!

Ha-ha-ha.

Well, I'm very pleased he turned up.

I wouldn't like to have left those children by themselves. Yes.

CHILDREN SCREAM

Oh, dear.

They're going to be difficult.

BOTH: Poor Mr King.

Argh!

Argh! Get it off! CHILDREN SCREAM HAPPILY

Argh!

MR KING SCREAMS

APPLAUSE

The death of Richard III

marked the end of the Wars of the Roses.

Richard died in the mud at Bosworth Field in 1485.

But tonight, Professor Weaver sheds new light

on this final defeat of the House of York. Professor Weaver.

Oh, hello.

I'm going to talk to you about the Battle of Bosworth Field.

But before I do, I want to show you a letter.

Now, it's a letter that was, erm, written from the field,

Battle of Bosworth Field, by an unknown soldier

whose name escapes me at the moment.

Written to his mother.

And in it, he gives vivid descriptions of the actual battle.

The very death of Richard the... Richard III.

Of course, yeah.

Now, this is the actual...

Oh, now, that's typical. Now, where did I...?

I'm sorry about this, but it's rather important I find it.

It may be less important to you than to me,

but I'd like to see it before I continue.

Oh, this is too much.

Bosworth Field, of course, is in Leicestershire.

As, of course, is...

Er...

Leicester.

I suppose.

Oh, yes. Now...

That's more like it.

Erm...

HE CHUCKLES Oh...

Twinkle.

Oh, she was a fun girl.

I'm sure I had something once and she got it.

Now, let's look in the files.

Oh.

That's typical, you see.

No wonder there's chaos, fancy putting a cat in under H.

Better leave it in there, otherwise I'll never find it,

not that I'm likely to look in there again.

Bosworth Field, as I said, is directly west of, erm...

Leicester, and, er...

there's a very charming little man down there.

Give him a couple of shillings,

he'll show you round the whole field.

For a couple of shillings more,

he'll give you a couple of postcards, some of which...

It's filthy up here, you know, absolutely disgusting.

I'll have to get the whole place taken down.

I've no idea where the darned letter is.

I say, it's near Nuneaton, Bosworth Field, if you're interested

in finding Bosworth Field.

I'm more interested in finding the letter at this moment.

It's nowhere near Crouch End, of course,

where I have a cousin, also a Weaver.

Nor near Deptford, where I have lunch on Mon...

Look, I don't think I'm gonna find it.

Why don't you try turning on to the other channel?

Maybe it's more interesting there.

Erm, look, I wish you'd go away.

Give a man bit of privacy. Heaven's sake.

Mercifully, we seem to have lost Professor Weaver.

So, let us turn to a subject which fired men's imaginations

throughout the Middle Ages, courtly love. Found it!

Just before Geoffrey Chaucer died in 1400,

he completed a film... Found it!

...which deals frankly and fearlessly

with the difficult problems of courtly love.

I found it. Isn't that lucky?

Yes, extremely. Now, would you mind...?

It was in my raincoat pocket all the time.

I never wear it. Now, erm...

Would you mind if I...? Oh, dear.

Yes. Dated Monday.

It says, "Dear Mother, I'm terribly excited,

"as I shall be appearing on television tomorrow.

"The..."

Oh...

Oh, dear.

Thank you, Professor Weaver.

APPLAUSE

And now for our first-ever viewing of the unpublished film

Geoffrey Chaucer's Rules Of Courtly Love.

WISTFUL MEDIEVAL MUSIC

It is the desire of every knight

to enter into the bliss of courtly love.

BIRDSONG

PING

PING

And for to prosper in his endeavour,

better it is that he should follow certain rules thereto.

HE EXHALES

BIRDSONG

First, must he find a lady

whose beauty draws him to her, as if by magic.

SCREECHING

TAPE WHIRRS

And smite of him to the heart.

GONG

Then should he seek to gain her notice

by what means he may.

HE WOLF-WHISTLES

To then, should he contrive to let her know

the feelings that control his press.

Now would he win her,

he must change his horse for a noble steed of purest white.

He must dress according to the fashion.

With shorter gown and longer sleeves.

Now we see fit to show himself before his lady fair.

RIPPING

And though she bid modesty,

her blushes bleak his first approach.

If all should fail,

let him tell her that he is her slave

if she would but grant him a single smile.

Then may he sup the truth of courtly love.

APPLAUSE

So much for courtly love,

a way of life that was soon to disappear,

as Britain moved out of the Middle Ages and into the modern world

under the leadership of the Tudor kings.

So join us again next week and...

Gasp at the amazing rise of the Tudor monarchs!

Boo the Pope!

Boo! POPE GASPS

Cringe before Cardinal Wolsey,

the most powerful man in England!

THUNDER RUMBLES

See Anne Boleyn...

And Henry VIII battin'!

Yes!

All this, and Sir Thomas More,

in next week's Complete And Utter History Of Britain.

APPLAUSE

# The complete and utter history Of Britain

# Complete and utter history Of Britain

# It's all in separate episodes

# In separate episodes

# The complete and utter history Of Britain

# The complete and utter history Of Britain

# It's all in separate episodes In separate episodes

# In separate episodes

# Complete and utter It's complete and utter

# This complete and utter history! #

COIN CLINKS

Thank you, thank you very much.