Original subtitles

My name is Thomas, and I make wheels.

And I'm therefore known as Thomas the Wheelwright.

My name is Richard, and I make carts.

I'm therefore known as Richard the Cartwright.

My name is James, and I make sausage-knot untying machines.

And I'm therefore known as James the Loony.

My name is Hebard.

I'm a 12th century earl and pest control officer.

So remember, it's Earl Hebard who catches the worm.

I'm a 12th century apothecary.

I use Herb's, and Herb uses mine.

Don't you, Herb? That's right, Arthur.

# The Complete And Utter History Of Britain

# The Complete And Utter History Of Britain

# It's all in separate episodes

# In separate episodes # In separate episodes

# Complete and utter It's complete and utter

# It's complete and utter

# History

# Episode two. #

Good evening, and welcome to the 12th century.

The date is 1192.

1192.

Thank you.

It is the time of Britain's greatest warrior king, Richard I,

or Richard Coeur de Lion as he is known to the French police.

During the ten years of his reign,

he spent over nine years abroad on crusades to the Holy Land.

So his brief return visits

must have been eagerly awaited by those at home.

FANFARE

How long is it since our glorious King Richard was last at court?

Five long years, and may God be praised for his safe return to us.

Aye, for it was God's work

that took him on this crusade to distant lands.

FANFARE

The King. The King.

The King.

His Gracious Majesty, King Richard of England.

FANFARE

Hello, everybody.

Bon... bonjour.

Guten morgen.

O sole mio.

And Iraq.

Well...

it's certainly good to be back.

Chez maison as they say sur le continent.

Et bien, merci, mon ami. Toujours, Volkswagen murky.

Ah...

Welcome home, Your Majesty.

Our prayers have been answered.

The Lord hath granted you a safe return.

He certainly has, mate.

Mind you, I wish he'd grant me

a plate of eggs and chips with a good cup of tea, eh?

Have a dolly.

I haven't had a good cup of tea since 1191.

Ta.

Well, I expect you're wondering where I've been, then, eh?

Eh?

Eh?! Where have you been, Your Majesty?

HIGH-PITCHED: Where have I been?!

Where haven't I been?!

I've been everywhere.

Morocco, Algeria...

...Spain, France, Turkey, Gibraltar.

You name it, I've been there. I could tell you some stories

that'd make the hair jump off your chest, mate.

A crusade is indeed a wonderful thing, Your Majesty.

Course it is! Course it is!

Organised by the Pope, you see.

Everything on party rates.

I tell you, some of the places we stayed at,

you could drink yourself under the table for a tanner.

And, of course, one look at the uniform,

and the birds go potty.

Ugh!

But, Your Majesty, there must be a wonderful sense of unity.

You're right there, mush.

I remember one night in Naples, me and Philip Augustus...

The king of France himself, my lord?

That's right. Phil the Fairy we used to call him.

'Cause he doesn't drink, you see. And I'd had... I'd had a few goblets

when in comes this bloody great Algerian waitress,

you know, enormous...

Your Majesty, what of the Holy Lands?

The where? The Holy Lands, Your Majesty.

Oh, yeah, anyway, she comes up...

Are they safe at last from the ravaging hand of the infidel?

Yeah, yeah, that's all fixed. Yeah, yeah.

As a matter of fact, that was a bit of a washout, that was.

I think our next crusade, we'll leave the Holy Land out altogether.

But, Your Majesty...

Here, that's not a bad idea, that.

I think I'll mention that to the Pope.

Pope Celestine III! FANFARE

The Pope! The Pope! The Pope!

Dickie, boy!

Popey!

I've come for the booze-up!

How are you, eh?

I was held up in the customs. Here.

FANFARE, BOTH CHATTER

Richard the Lionheart,

one of the most astounding cases in medical history.

Now, what of trade in the 12th century?

It was time of experiment and adventure.

Exploration of the mass market.

But who was selling what and how?

DREARY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC

Ah...

Oh... MAN: Hard work?

Wish you could get it clean in half the time?

Then you should try...

...water.

UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC

Water gets floors really clean in half the time.

And you can drink it as well.

Food.

Food has... Mmm!

..man appeal!

Oh, it's food again.

You are clever.

HARP GLISSANDO

CELESTIAL HARP

Soft as dappled sunlight.

Gentle as a summer's breeze.

Pure as a mountain stream.

Fresh and lovely as nature itself.

Yes, get a woman today.

TENSE GLISSANDO ON HARP

Who was Thomas a Becket?

What of his religious beliefs? What of his death?

What of his weaknesses and strengths?

Over now to Professor Weaver.

Er, w-what of his religion?

W-What of his what?

I didn't know I was going to ask this.

Well, I've been preparing a piece on the Cheyenne Indians.

That's the trouble, you see, they don't tell me anything.

Expect historians to know about everybody.

Who was Thomas a Becket? HE PUFFS

I'd like to rephrase that question.

What were the similarities

between Thomas a Becket and Cheyenne Indians?

Well, for a start...

...they were both bald.

Thomas a Becket - very bald.

And the Cheyenne Indians were bald Indians.

Which was why they were so intent on collecting scalps,

which they used to sew together to make their wigwams.

Or toupees, as they used to call them.

Thomas a Becket...

What of his religion?

Well, erm, Thomas a Becket,

as we all know, was not a sun worshipper,

BUT this is the interesting point, the Cheyenne were.

Their beliefs were in the mainstream of occidental pantheistic dualism.

Believing in the potency of the sun as source of both good and evil,

which, of course, it obviously is.

Now, what of Thomas a Becket's death?

Well... Thomas a Becket...

if he'd been killed by the Cheyenne...

he'd have been ceremonially scalped, his body carried back

in a rough, bark casing covered with eucalyptus leaves

and weighing about 16 lb.

So to sum up, Thomas a Becket was a bald, non-sun-worshipping person,

chiefly remembered for being the first English Archbishop

to be killed by Red Indians.

Well, I wonder if it was the Cheyenne.

I don't think that's even in this book.

One up for them if it was.

Professor Weaver will be talking later in the programme

about Robert the Bruce.

Thank you!

One of the great landmarks of our history was the Magna Carta.

The first charter of civil liberties.

For 12 long years, and three short ones,

King John had resisted the demands of the barons.

And tonight, we bring you the scene from Runnymede in 1215

when this constitutional breakthrough, the Magna Carta,

was finally signed.

Mine! Mine!

Ah!

Little boy. Mwah!

It's here. Look!

We got it! CHEERING

BOTH GRUNT

Welcome back.

And now, The Complete And Utter History Of Britain presents

a special pull-out supplement - Careers In The Royal Household.

If you were a young man in 1300,

what sort of careers could you expect?

Join us now as two court servants talk about their work.

Ted Lupini, Royal Court jester,

one of the great laughter makers of his time.

Mr Lupini, what in particular does the King find funny about you?

Breaking plates over my head.

GUFFAWS

Is that all?

Oh, yes, tripping me up,

throwing water over me,

pushing me in the moat, covering me with mud.

But most of all, breaking plates over my head.

GUFFAWS

Mr Lupini, you are renowned as a joke-teller.

Is there one joke which makes the King laugh more than any other?

Oh, yes. There is this one about two monks sitting in the bath,

and one monk says to the other,

"You've got a banana sticking out of your ear."

And the other monk says, "Pardon?"

Yes?

Yes?

Well, then His Majesty breaks a plate over my head

and laughs like a drain.

LUPINI LAUGHS

How did you start in the laughter business, Mr Lupini?

Well, it was an accident, really.

His Majesty saw the accident and thought it was very funny.

And... from then on, entertainment was in your blood?

Well, not really, no.

I didn't have much blood left after the accident, you see.

Oh, excuse me.

LUPINI WHIMPERS, KING LAUGHS

Finally, Mr Lupini,

what are your laughter-raising ambitions for the future?

Well, I do hope to be executed next summer.

But isn't that a waste of all the years you've spent

reaching this eminent position?

Oh, well, it has taken me a long time to get ahead,

I just hope it comes off. Ha!

But surely you don't call being executed a joke?

I mean, does it make you laugh, does it?

Oh, no, it doesn't make me laugh. Of course it doesn't make me laugh.

KING TITTERS

I suppose I haven't really got much of a sense of humour.

A vital member of the royal household is the food-taster.

For the royal person is a regular target for the poisoner.

This is Hubert Fitzroy.

A veteran food-taster.

He's been with King Henry for nearly 30 minutes.

The most deadly of poisons are, of course, just toxins.

Cyanide, strychnine,

that sort of thing.

And they are most commonly found in this kind of dish.

Naturally, before I can say if the food is lethal,

I have to eat it.

Of course... these poisons act instantaneously.

The tongue blackens, swells up.

The body perspires freely, feels as if it's on fire.

The teeth drop out, and in two minutes, you're dead.

Yes, it's really very tasty. HE CHUCKLES

Oh! Hm-hm!

Blackcurrant tart. My favourite.

Just have a quick taste.

HE GROANS Mr Fitzroy?

HE SCREAMS Mr Fitzroy?!

Pleugh! Pleurgh! Ugh...

No sugar.

Ugh... I can't think how he eats it.

Is that the end of the meal?

Oh, well, not exactly.

No. I always do "just test the cheese".

There is a killer cheese on the market, but...

very rare.

Has a most peculiar delayed action.

Just a sharp kick in the back and you're dead. Huh!

Of course, this is quite delicious.

Well, congratulations, and thank you, Mr Fitzroy.

Not at all.

All in a day's work.

HE LAUGHS Te...

Well, that's interesting. HE GROANS

It's quicker than I thought. Urgh...

Fitzroy, you're... you're fired! GROANS

Now it is Scotland that draws us like a great magnetic haggis.

In 1305, Robert the Bruce was crowned King of Scotland.

We all, of course, know the story of Robert the Bruce and the spider.

But in spite of that,

Professor Weaver is going to tell us all over again.

Thank you.

In my latest book, Greater Spiders Of History,

I've attempted to assess the contribution of spiders

to the socio-economic

and constitutional development of our society.

The book has, I'm glad to say, sold remarkably well,

partially due to a revival of interest in constitutional history,

and partially due to the title on the cover - Nudes Of Scandinavia.

Now, I have been asked

why I should have photographs of nudes from Scandinavia

in full colour and provocative poses

on the cover of a book about constitutional history.

Well, I say the historian is interested in facts.

And it is a fact that there are a lot of nude people in Scandinavia.

And it's no use our trying to run away from them.

Even if we should want to.

All of which brings me to Robert the Bruce, spiders

and their place in Scottish history.

After studying 395 million fossils,

I went mad and had to spend several weeks in a cupboard.

After which, I discovered the particular little creature

who so inspired Robert the Bruce to overthrow the English

was, in fact, a Northumbrian grass spider.

Delightful little black and yellow fellow

with four pairs of grey, hairy legs

and a remarkable knowledge of military history.

The English soldiers were taken completely unawares

as 30,000 grass spiders came crawling up over the battlements,

playing their bagpipes and uttering their terrifying war cries -

"Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha."

Unfortunately, Robert the Bruce is the only man in history

to recognise the potential of insects.

Cromwell trod on them.

You see, Nelson swatted them. They still have no vote.

Do you realise that woodlice spend 24 hours a day

in the House of Commons and get no thanks for it?

Flies live in the most appalling conditions.

May I appeal for sanity before it is too late?

History must recognise the insect.

And the Scandinavian nude.

Oh, Britt, Britt, with your hairy legs

and your infinite knowledge of cupboards.

Excuse me, I must have a boiled egg.

It's the only soothing thing at this time. Eggs are so soothing.

Good grief.

And finally, we re-examine

one of the truly colourful legends of our past -

the legend of Sherwood Forest and Robin Hood.

Man or myth or myth-ith?

Sherwood Forest is in the quiet shire of Nottingham.

It is Friday morning. The time is 11:45.

The year is also 1145. MAN WHISTLES

Clever, isn't it?

WHISTLING CONTINUES

Oi!

This is Robin Hood.

One of the few social workers

operating in Britain's forests today.

What has made this 33-year-old ex-Nottinghamshire pig farmer

a legend in his own lifetime?

I believe very seriously that there is a need in the country today

for a radical redistribution of the nation's wealth.

And I think it's terribly important

that somebody does this kind of work.

We're always on the lookout for rich people

who might be interested in what we're trying to do.

I usually talk to them about the pressing needs

of the underprivileged section of the community,

and then I ask them to make some small subscription to our fund.

What if they don't want to give you anything? I beat them up.

These are Robin's permanent staff.

They're known as the Merry Men.

On account of their humour.

And their infectious gaiety.

I joined Robin because, basically, I'm deeply concerned

with the whole problem of poverty and squalor in the world today,

and this is where I do find working for Robin so rewarding.

I think it's simply marvellous

to be able to do something for these people.

Because, you know, in Sherwood Forest,

we've got some simply wonderful poverty

and immensely rewarding squalor.

Oh, yeah, well, there aren't many opportunities

for a monk with a criminal record, like myself.

But Mr Hood was prepared to overlook this.

That's the kind of man he is.

Completely undiscriminating.

After spending a few hours with the Merry Men,

Robin and Friar Tuck go off to distribute the week's takings.

As they have done each Friday for the last six years.

Bringing comfort to humble dwellings like this,

where those in most need

have been able to take advantage of Robin's generosity.

Oh! No.

Not any more, my days.

No, they get terrible in the way of my ploughing.

You put them over on the compost heap there.

We've got as much inside as we possibly can.

Right up to the ceiling.

What do people around Nottingham think of his work?

Ah.

Well, I think the fellow's an absolute menace.

Only last week,

I caught a serf wearing a pair of my wife's earrings.

Can't leave the manor for a minute without something being pinched.

Oh, thank you.

All I can say is, if he comes back here,

he knows what he'll get.

Oh!

I think Robin is a wonderful person.

And he's doing a wonderful job.

Especially amongst us poorer folk.

I just wish he had more time to spend among us.

PEOPLE CHATTER

Hello there, mate. Hi.

Mr Hood, what do you reckon as your achievements,

and what are your hopes for the future?

Well... after six years in social work,

I still find myself amazed and touched by the gratitude

of the folk we're trying to help.

In fact, we've been so successful

in taking from the rich and giving to the poor,

they are now having to take a lot back from the poor

and give it to the rich. ALL AGREE

So there's at least another six years' work there.

Robin, what do you get out of it?

Me?

A deep sense of personal satisfaction.

The joy of...

...improving the lot of my fellow men,

and 25% of the panto rights.

And there we must leave yesterday for today.

But be sure to join us again next week, and...

AMERICAN ANNOUNCER: See Chaucer write!

Yes, just half a crown to see Chaucer write.

Cheer Richard III, England's first detective!

I think I've got a hunch.

Thrill to the Wars of the Roses!

Watch the end of the Hundred Years' War!

MUSIC DISTORTS

For sheer nail-biting, toe-chilling excitement,

don't miss next week's...

# The Complete And Utter History Of Britain

# The Complete And Utter History Of Britain

# It's all in separate episodes Separate episodes

# The Complete And Utter History Of Britain

# The Complete And Utter History Of Britain

# It's all in separate episodes In separate episodes

# In separate episodes

# Complete and utter

# It's complete and utter

# It's complete And utter history. #

COIN RATTLES Thank you. Thank you very much.