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APPLAUSE

# The Complete And Utter History Of Britain

# The Complete And Utter History Of Britain

# It's all in separate episodes

# In separate episodes # In separate episodes

# Complete and utter The complete and utter

# The Complete And Utter

# History

# Episode One. #

Good evening, and welcome to

The Complete And Utter History Of Britain,

which is a series which brings to your screens for the first time

history as it actually happened. In it, you will see

some extraordinary glimpses into the past. We begin at the beginning.

The year is 2564BC, and this is Britain.

As you will notice, Scotland is missing.

Come back with me now to those far-off times, 4,532 years ago.

TRUMPET

England is not the green and pleasant land we know today

but a savage world ruled by tooth and claw.

Nevertheless, it is here that we find the first primitive Englishmen.

TENSE MUSIC

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN ON PIANO

They were known as Iberians.

The Iberians were not a backward race

and quickly learned to use their hands.

WOMAN SQUEALS

With their new-found skills, they built coracles,

which they carried on their backs.

And which they later learned to sail in.

Progress was rapid, and before long, they were facing new problems,

such as buying houses and selling them.

Do you think we'll like it? You're bound to.

It's ideal for a young couple like yourselves.

Modern, open-plan and no overheads.

Well, there you are. You can see it for yourself.

Is that it?

Cosy, innit? Well...

As I say, it's ideal for a young couple like yourselves

with 30 or 40 children.

It's got character, charm and a slab in the middle.

And what about the gaps?

Doors? That's another great advantage of a place like this.

46 doors. But isn't it a bit draughty in winter?

Not if you keep running about.

Dear, if you keep running about, I mean, feel that wall.

Go on, feel it. That's Welsh quality for you, that is.

A mountainside in your own home.

Now look what you've done.

Not to worry. Oh, I am sorry, Mr... I-I...

Not to worry. You've just found the emergency exit.

Let's face it, nothing lasts forever,

but this place will do better than most.

I can honestly say that this will still be here

in, ooh, 40 or 50 years at least. No, I'm sorry.

We're just not interested in these modern buildings.

Oh, well. On your own head be it.

Well, 20 years, anyway.

To help us unravel the mysteries of the past, we have with us

a resident historian - Professor Weaver.

Regis professor,

socio-economic history at the Lyceum Ballroom, Yarmouth.

Professor Weaver.

Hello.

I'd like to talk to you for a moment,

if I may, about archaeology.

The study of the remains of the past.

I've brought along one or two rather interesting things to show you.

This is a piece of pottery.

1,300 years old, Anglo-Saxon, part of a drinking vessel.

But from this little piece,

you do get a glimpse of how beautiful

the actual drinking vessel must have looked

before I dropped it on the way to the studio.

Here's another Anglo-Saxon pot.

From this pot, we get a picture of what the Saxons themselves

must have really looked like.

Small, dark, with a handle on one side and a spout on the other.

Amazing people. Of course, for the archaeologist,

the big problem is always dating.

It's not that they're all unattractive people,

but they're very shy.

Of course, today, we have modern methods of dating.

Machines which can calculate the age of any object

by gauging the carbon content inherent in it.

This was how I met Doreen Potter,

my bosom companion on the 1948 Belfast dig

when we unearthed an entire drainage system.

Plunged the centre of Belfast into chaos.

And two other things I'd like to show you.

This... believe it or not, is an Anglo-Saxon pill -

a primitive herbal mixture,

but incredibly enough, you can still use it today.

They must have had stronger jaws than we, but...

...down it goes, leaving just a slight purple flavour

around the lips.

But now, finally, the most fantastic Anglo-Saxon treasure

in existence today, King Alfred's brooch.

Notice...

Fantastic how the jewels still retain their sparkle

in the solid gold setting. Notice the intricate craftsmanship.

The whirls - very typical of the work of the Anglo...

I'm afraid you must excuse me.

I... must go look for King Alfred's brooch.

Alfred, Ethelred, Edgar, Canute, the names ring out across history.

CHURCH BELLS

But what were these kings really like?

What do they want to be remembered for?

We bring you the answer now

in a sensational face-to-face series of interviews

with the men who ruled Britain before the Norman Conquest.

FANFARE

King Alfred The Great, perhaps the greatest of all English kings.

Defeater of the Danes, founder of the navies,

scholar, author and translator.

We asked him what he wanted to be remembered for.

Not telling.

I can jump over anything.

Do you want to be remembered for your castle-building?

And I can whistle. I mean, maybe.

I can shout louder than anybody. Boo!

Ethelred The Unready failed to defend Wessex

against the Danish invaders and paid them off with Danegeld.

Well, what I want to be remembered for... is killing people.

And smashing them over the head and generally toughening them up.

What do you say to your critics

who accuse you of failing in your duty to defend England?

To my credit, cred... STUTTERS

I say, there are a lot of namby-pambys...

that don't like fighting people and smashing them up

and generally toughing them over.

King Edgar, founder and rebuilder of the Benedictine monasteries,

what you want to be remembered for, Your Majesty?

Well... first of all...

for my work for the Benedictine monasteries.

I try to do whatever I can for this wonderful order,

and I hope that something

of what we've been able to achieve together

may have a lasting effect

and continue to benefit mankind for generations to come.

And now, for my dearest mother... a little song.

# I am my mother's boy. #

King Canute - King of England and Denmark.

I would like to be remembered as the first king

who was entirely waterproof.

As you can see, this new Danish-style throne

is completely rustproof,

and the floats are of Norwegian-built PVC.

This is a great step forward for royalty,

as it means they can be left outside in all weathers.

I also want to be remembered as the inventor of marine biology.

READS:

One thing in this period, above all others,

that catches our imagination, the glory of the legend

surrounding King Arthur and the Knights Of The Round Table.

It was the age of romance and gallant deeds.

Knights in armour, damsels in distress, the age of chivalry.

BIRDS TWEETING

Help!

Help!

Oh, help me out! I perish!

Help!

GALLOPING, SHE GASPS

Yes, it is. A knight in shining armour.

And does he?

SHE SQUEALS Yes! He does!

He bears King Arthur's banner. Ooh, er.

Praise be to King Arthur and the Knights Of The Round Table.

I am saved!

That's all right, madam. Be with you in a minute.

SHE GIGGLES July 7th.

07:00 hours...

...Wimbledon Common... found by RF Lancelot.

Sign there, please. Turned out nice again, hasn't it?

Oh, indeed it has!

Thou has made dark night bright day, good knight.

And age, date of birth and father's style or title down there, please.

HE HUMS Thank you. Right, that's the lot.

Now, save me, gentle knight,

ere the loathsome monster returneth here to claim me for his own!

Ah, yes, good point, good point.

We've got to have full details of your predator or captor.

A fearsome, dreadful beast. Yeah.

Taller than the tallest mountain, wider than the widest oak tree.

Yes, fine, love, very nice,

but I've gotta have it in feet and inches. Feet and inches.

Right, highest mountain, 28,000ft.

Widest oak tree... HE EXHALES

...say 8ft.

So he's tall and thin. Oh, yes, he is!

Right, shouldn't have too much trouble spotting him.

See what I can do. Thank you, madam.

And now I am yours, parting gentle knight.

Yes. Loose me from these vile thongs.

Well, as I say, I'LL get these forms in as soon as possible,

and you should have someone round by the end of the week.

Friday a good day, is it? But I may perish ere a Friday.

Oh, I'm sorry about that, madam, but we're short-staffed as it is,

what with the union ban on night work.

Still, I'll do the best I can, let you know. Thank you, madam.

But the loathsome beast!

GALLOPING AWAY The loathsome beast!

The loathsome beast ends his work to rule on Thursday.

Welcome back. And now we are proud to present

the first of our Golden Year awards.

Tonight's Golden Year award goes to...

TRIUMPHANT MUSIC

...1065.

These awards are made to little-known years

which have been overlooked by history.

And tonight, we bring you Scrapbook For 1065.

The storm clouds gather,

but all England was dancing to music like this.

SING IN LATIN

Yes, it was a difficult time for everybody.

But soon, travelling minstrels were to arrive like Elfric Gothwell.

And wherever they went, they were to be greeted

by screaming, hysterical women. CLAMOURING

And all the time, the storm clouds were gathering

over the English Channel.

But it was here that there occurred the first momentous event of 1065,

Eric Smith, a serf, was walking to work when...

he stubbed his toe.

But even this was soon to be overshadowed

by a host of other remarkable events.

Richard Dequincy hits his thumb.

Ow!

Norman Black discovers the force of gravity.

Baron Simon Della Anvil Smith discovers the thimble.

Found it!

Edward The Confessor drew closer to the Archbishop of Canterbury.

And Bristol Zoo was not yet built.

And all the time, more and more storm clouds were gathering.

Suddenly, the King fell out with the Archbishop of Canterbury.

LIGHTNING CRACKLES, THUNDER RUMBLES

And at last, the storm had broken.

These then are some of the outstanding events,

but how do those who actually lived through

this remarkable year remember 1065?

1065? Never heard of it.

Is it a kind of pastry?

Black pudding.

1065? SPITS

Terrible year. Terrible, rotten year

for us in the commemorative business.

I got hundreds of these in the back of the shop.

Huh! "Present from 1065".

"Welcome to 1065". Ha! "1065, top year".

And what happened? Nothing! Same as the year before.

I'm getting out before 1066, I can tell you.

But there was one man whose name was to change

the whole course of British history - Harold Godwinson,

who, in 1066, was to become king of England,

and who had already in 1065 was laying his plans.

Now, I happen to know, and you can take my word for it,

'cause I know, that in 1066,

the Normans are planning an invasion...

of Denmark.

So my plan is, while they're up in Denmark,

we'll get some of the lads together, over to Boulogne, over in Normandy.

So just remember, 1066, Battle of Boulogne.

Yep. I've got a feeling 1066 is gonna be my lucky year.

And so our story moves on

to one of the most exciting moments in English history -

the dramatic news of October 14th 1066.

ITN NEWS THEME

Serf riding is to become illegal as from next week.

Good news for serfs.

And now the latest news from the Sussex coast.

King Harold himself is investigating a report

of illegal immigrants in the Pevensey Bay area.

He stated that the immigrants, believed to be Normans,

would be sent back to their own country as soon as possible.

A spokesperson for the Normans said that they were on a day trip

and only numbered 5,000... MAN GROANING

...including 500 cavalry and 2,000 archers.

Oh, we have just heard from Hastings that the illegal Norman immigrants

have resisted attempts to get them into hostels

and dress battle has developed outside the town.

Embroiderers have sent us these pictures.

The latest news is that the English army

has been completely overrun, and at four o'clock,

our great and glorious King Harold was killed.

No further news of casualties but now, I believe,

we are able to speak to our great and glorious King William.

So, via the miracle of danegeld,

over to Hastings and our reporter Aelfric Campald.

Here, away from the heat of this afternoon's battle,

I'm going to try and have a few words with the man

who is already being called William The Conqueror -

first king of England and Normandy.

CHEERING King William, King William!

King William, congratulations on a wonderful victory.

Thank you very much, David.

You must be very pleased with the boys.

Certainly am, David. They did a wonderful job.

Did you expect to win? Well, I never had any doubts, David.

The boys have been fighting very well on the continent,

but this was the big one they were all looking forward to.

Were there any anxious moments? Well, right at the start, David,

our lads weren't used to the sloping ground,

but soon, we began to open out the battle a lot more.

We're using the long one down the centre

and able to split your defence right down the middle.

When were you sure you were going to win?

What's that? When were you sure you were going to win?

You can never be sure of a thing like that, David.

But I must say, I was pretty confident

halfway through the second half when they were 2,000 down.

CHEERING Great fun, these lads.

Oh!

Oh, dear, that's wonderful. Well, now, what about that incident?

Oh, you mean when Harold was knocked down?

LAUGHTER, CHEERING

Well, that was a very nasty business, David,

and we're all very sorry about it. But I think it was fair.

It certainly gave our lads a bit of laugh.

LAUGHTER

Oh, now I can see we have a playback of the last few moments.

Would you like to talk us through it?

Lads! Hold on. Right. It starts off... There we are.

...with that great 60-yarder from Roger Montgomery.

There's me coming up the middle. I've got 700 men in my right wing.

There's Reynolds. It's a high one. He shoots. We're going through!

And it's a goal!

Well, once more, congratulations, King William.

And when are we going to see you in action again?

Well, I'm not sure about that, David.

As you know, I'm writing a book, but I shall first of all be going

to London to accept this very high honour

which I believe your countrymen are bestowing on me.

The crown of England. No, no, no, no.

President of The Football Association.

CHEERING Thank you, King William. Thank you.

The Norman Conquest in 1066 has become such a part of our history

that historians are usually agreed

on the details of this momentous year.

But Professor Weaver, inevitably, has challenged these accepted views.

Er... Good evening.

The famous French historian Professor Henri Norman,

in his latest work, The Best Book I've Written So Far,

has produced evidence to show that William of Normandy's real name

was in fact Norman of Williamdy.

So what we are dealing with is Norman the Conqueror

and the William Conquest.

Now, this radical reinterpretation stems from a re-examination

of the reconditioned, re-exhumed remains

of the will of Roger de Logier.

A baron, Norman baron, or William Baron, as, of course, he now is,

and Professor Norman finds that in his will, or "norm",

Roger gives quotes. Williamlands to his son Norman.

Now, not Normanlands but Williamlands.

Now, this is the important thing.

Now, we all know, don't we, that William, in Norman,

or William, means Conqueror? Now, it's very unlikely that

William should call himself William the William.

And he doesn't.

Professor Norman points out he calls himself Norman.

I mean, obviously, Professor Norman calls himself Norman,

but William the Conqueror calls himself William

the William of Williamdy. Now, these findings, you see,

do alter our interpretation of history.

We must now talk of William castles,

William churches built by King Norman.

William arches, William keeps and, of course,

the allied invasion of Williamdy. And the wonderful, marvellous

Just Norman books of Richmal Crompton.

But although we may have to alter our terminology,

we do not alter the basic significance of the facts of 1066

and the defeat of King Harold at Waterloo.

Paddington. Where I should be. Paddington! I should be there.

Good heavens, Victoria'll be waiting. Taxi!

Perhaps William The Conqueror's most lasting achievement

was the Domesday Book, a monumental work,

backed up by the most sophisticated sales technique of the day.

MAN HUMS

Oh, here, can I help you, sir? What have we got?

Well, I've got the Domesday Book. Oh, have you?

Yeah. Domesday Book, plenty of them.

Anything else? Well, I've, er...

Oh, I've got a proclamation. What about? Well...

BOTH: The Domesday Book. Yeah.

Nothing else? Is that your lot? No, I'm afraid not, sir.

Oh, well, thank you very much. J-Just a minute, hang on, sir.

You look a very discerning buyer.

You're not interested, are you, in foreign books?

Now you're talking! That's it. Plain cover.

No questions asked. You've got it.

I've got just the thing for you, sir.

Just came in the morning from Sweden. Swedish, eh?

Cor! How much? Now, to you, sir, 30 pieces.

30 piece... Cor! Thanks very much! Ta!

Valerie! Hello!

Just sold a Domesday Book in Swedish!

And there we must end this brief glimpse

into those far-off days

when you could still get a pair of football boots for a penny

and trousers were unheard of.

So join us again next week in the 12th century,

when you will be able to...

AMERICAN ANNOUNCER: Laugh with Thomas Beckett!

HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHING Stop it!

Join the thrills and spills of a medieval hunt!

Gasp as Robin Hood hits the bull's-eye!

Thrill to the immortal music of Magna Carta!

# The hills are alive

# With the Magna Carta. #

It's all part of...

# The Complete And Utter History Of Britain

# The Complete And Utter History Of Britain

# It's all in separate episodes

# In separate episodes

# The Complete And Utter History Of Britain

# The Complete And Utter History Of Britain

# It's all in separate episodes

# In separate episodes # In separate episodes

# Complete and utter The complete and utter

# It's complete and utter

# History. #

COIN RATTLES Thank you. Thank you very much.