Original subtitles

Woah!

Oh!

- Marcus! - Did I startle you?

No, no I was, no.

How are you, how was school?

- 'tupid. - Right.

Hope I'm not interrupting.

No, no. I think it's just uh, delivered by mistake.

- You know why Judith left you? - Oh, hey now listen.

- Mommy loves you Marcus. - I know she loves me.

We're trying to establish why she does not love you.

Right.

- 'cos you are weak, - Okay.

- and you are boring, - I see

and you are lazy.

That true?

- It's not that I didn't love you, - There you go, you see?

- I despised you. - Oh.

You witnessed throwing her into the arms of another man,

a man who could properly nourish her,

both intellectually, as well as physically.

That's exactly right.

Really don't need to hear about Philip. No offense Philip!

Hey I don't care bud, I ended up scoring the hottie.

Not in front of him,

you are still his headmaster for god's sake.

So we'll see you next weekend.

Oh, but can't I just stay with you?

It's only temporary.

Just while your mama sorts out all the legal stuff.

Yes.

- And her pill addiction. - Philip!

Come on, come on say good-bye.

You take care big bear. Don't, get off me.

Come on hey Goose,

I'm feelin' the need for speed.

- You call me. - No.

Okay.

Right, now the oldies are out of our hair.

What say you and me grab ourselves a pizza, or alone time.

Yeah, that's a good idea. I could... do that.

Spy 01x01 Codename Loser

22 pages a minute,

pretty reasonable ink consumption.

- And the photo quality is good? - It's not bad.

Can I access the printer through my phone?

Why do you want to do that for?

- I'm handling this, thanks Chris. - Well I just thought that...

- I loath people like you. - Chris!

Transfering your failed aspirations onto some trendy bit of hardware

that has the processing power to run NASA.

Chris!

But all you do is watch hilarious clips of fat kids on rollercoasters.

Chris!

Or illegally download the latest Girls Aloud album,

because you too embarassed and too cheap to pay for it.

- Chris! - And the rest of the time

you sit in front of your screen slack-jawed,

go watching yourself on meaningless trivalent.

Oh one day, the futility

- of your hateful existence - Chris!

smacks you square in your flat table face.

- I'm going to think about it. - Alrighty.

Thanks. Do call again.

- Just for once? - What?

Why do you stay at Computer Galaxy?

The prestige.

- Marcus hates me. - Marcus is a dick.

You can't say that about my son.

Why not? I've met him, he is.

He's nine!

I don't know why you don't just let him live with his mom?

Believe me, Judith is not a good mother.

Well, for what it's worth I think Marcus is pretty hard on you.

Thanks! I appreciate that.

So you divorce his mother, big deal. Why not?

She was actually the one, who...

So what if you exploited her pill addiction

to win back custody and have her tossed out of her own house?

Good for you. It show you care.

That was... of course I decided that I should...

Who honestly cares if you've been working as a junior sales assistant

in a computer shop for the last seven years?

Five years, actually.

Seven years actually, dude.

Seven years?

Well, no wonder he doesn't respect me,

I'm not... going, nowhere.

- That's the problem because... - No, I'm sorry.

I should be doing more with my life,

than selling cheap printers and sitting here with you

every single day, sharing M&S meal deals.

I have a BSE from Sussex, Chris.

I have a first from Oxford, and do you see me complaining?

- All the time. - Exactly!

No, I'm sorry.

No.

What are you doing? It isn't time.

I'm quiting.

- Quiting to do what? - I don't know.

Something better with my life.

I'll see you around, Chris.

You got something on your... Yeah.

Possiamo mangiare oggi.

- What? - Any danger from supper?

Yes, absolutely.

Let's see what've we got.

Oh, cumin.

Forget it. I go around to Justin's.

They're having ***

I quit my job!

You did what?

I quit my job today. Yeah!

And what exactly we going to do for money?

Get another job. A better job.

Doing what?

Sudoku?

I haven't fi...

figured it out yet.

Well, take your time.

The human body can last a good ten days

before withering to death from malnutrition.

I'm sensing that you know that pleased.

I know it's unfashionable

in today's socialist dystopia, but I still regard unemployment

as a badge of failure.

No, see no, look this is a new start for me.

*** you know?

I mean yes, things might be a little bit difficult to begin with,

but it's a chance for us to really come together, you know?

Be a team.

Come on, what do you say?

- Dad? - Yeah?

Get a bloody job.

Understood. Good.

Have fun!

Hurray!

You have a BSE in computer science.

With Spanish.

With Spanish, Claro que si.

What?

You've been working at Computer Galaxy

for you think five years, but it might be seven.

Yeah, that's right.

You like number puzzles and strategic board games.

I do.

And you have an adorable little son, called Marcus.

I have a son.

Alright, let's see what we've got.

You should be doing this, Mr. Computer.

Yeah.

No you shouldn't.

We're a government founded organisation,

and it would be illegal if I'd let you touch my terminal.

- Right. I didn't ask to... - Yeah, well next time just think.

Oh, here we go.

McLaren are looking for computer engineer for their Formula 1 team,

involves attending all the Grands Prix,

Monaco, California, Indonesia.

Salary 58.5

That sounds great. I can't be away that much.

Need to be with my son.

I bet he absolutely loves being with you.

Wells... Oh, Playboy are looking for a web technician.

That sound quite fun, doesn't it?

Sign me up.

You have a son!

- No, but you just, you would. - Shame on you Tim!

Okay.

Well it's gone now, so.

Oh, what about this one?

Civil service, they need someone to imput data.

Now it's only a six month contract, but you never know,

might get extended.

Yeah, ***

Really?

Yeah, civil service. Why not?

Score!

Alright, now there's an assesment day tomorrow at 12:00

so I'll just print off your forms and you are good to go.

Alrighty.

I feel like this is going to be the start of great things for you, Tim.

Hey!

Good jog?

Are you ready for your interview?

Yeah, I think so.

Do you want to practice some questions?

Nope. I think I'm okay.

Why do you think you're suited to this position?

- Well... - Too slow!

On a scale of 4 to 60, do you prefer failure or defeat?

Don't understand.

- Really? - No.

- 47? - What?

- No? - No.

- Okay, pretty basic stuff. - Yeah.

I'm pretty sure that they going to stick to questions about my CV.

- Just the one sheet? - Yeah.

How compact.

- Says here you're single. - Yes.

Been single a long time?

Um, well since your mother left me, so uh, what's that?

All about a year?

And why specifically do you think women find you so repugnant?

Yeah, I really don't think that they're going to ask me that.

Says here you speak intermediate Spanish.

S�.

Cuales son las exportaciones principales de Catalunya?

S�.

[Speaking gibberish]

Do you think you got the job?

- Nope. - No.

You've got to pick me up from football this afternoon.

And try not to be too late.

Probably not the best idea for a 9-year-old

to be left alone in an empty playing field.

Alrighty.

Unless you're trying to get me abducted.

Is that what you want, Tim?

No.

Good luck with the interview!

Excuse me!

Um, you don't know where room 1-5...

Okay, thanks.

You don't know if...

You don't know? No.

Just in time. In you pop.

Sorry!

No talking. Thank you.

Alright, you have one hour.

Begin!

Ssshh!

Sorry!

Uh, maybe just leave them? Yes.

- Here you go. - Oh, no. I finished.

Finished?

It's only been 17 minutes.

I can stay, it's fine. I got things.

Sorry!

- What's your name? - Tim Elliott.

Well done, Tim. Well done.

Be back at 2 pm, for the interview.

Okay.

- I'll just get it later. - Yeah, good idea.

Good luck!

I think it went okay.

Well you'd be sure to tell them for me,

that the civil service is nothing but a pimp

to this fascist puppet government,

and I count off the days till we see their survival heads

rolling in the streets.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll definitely do that.

- Alright, cool. - Alrighty.

You going to need a new one.

Do you mind?

Well, I was sitting here first.

No, I meant with you. Sit with you.

Oh, you it's alright. I thought you meant you wanted me to...

Do you mind?

Sorry, no. Yeah, go ahead.

We haven't met probably. I'm Caitlin.

I'm Tim.

- Sausage? - No, thanks.

- They're pork. - I'm fine.

It's like *** It says 87% meat.

You finished the test very quickly.

There's definitely pork in there.

I mean I found it pretty easy as well.

And beef?

But then again my entire career was leading up to this moment, so.

Really?

Well, I don't think you'll get the job.

- Why? Have you heard something? - No.

Is this part of the test? Are you wearing a wire?

What? No, I'm not, no.

My son just say that they only hire ugly people

in the civil service, so that would count you out.

Oh. Right.

- Sorry about that. - It's fine.

God I want this job! Sorry.

Don't worry about it.

There're lots of other jobs out there.

There's one at Playboy right now, if you're interested.

Excuse me?

Not as a model, you know, just techie stuff.

Oh right.

Not that you know not attractive enough to be a model,

because that you are, you know, but you don't even want to, um...

What?

You know. Do all the...

- No. - No?

- No. I mean thanks, but no thanks. - No thanks.

Right! Yes! Yes! I mean not even thanks, right?

Just no.

- I'm going to head back. - Okay. Yeah.

- Good luck this afternoon! - You too!

You sure you...?

***

Yes...

- Damn impressive exam results, Tim. - Thank you.

Hope we not appear to have any paperwork on you.

No, job centre should've sent that over.

Discrete, I like that.

So, any questions for us?

Um...

Do you do dental cover? You know, for the teeth?

He's... You are one cool guy, Tim.

Really?

- Smoking cool. - Okay.

But I bet you hear that all the time.

Not as often as you think.

Tim, we err... we'd like to offer you a job.

Wow, brilliant. Okay, thanks!

Good.

He is one cool guy.

He's good, huh?

- And that is? - Yeah, I know.

It's standard issue Glock 17 I'm affraid.

But hey, you're free to supplement it as you see fit.

Personally I prefer these babies.

Right. Good.

- What? Everything okay? - Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Actually one thing.

Will I be needing that a lot, do you think?

- What's your meaning? - For the data processing?

Not really your tea bag.

Pr... processing the data?

- Woah! - Woah! Woah!

- Woah! - Hey!

It's okay, nice and easy.

That's it, just slide it across.

You see that I am fully conversant in PowerPoint and Excel,

and I do speak intermediate Spanish.

Tim, would you just go outside for a moment?

- Should I take? - Not just yet.

Well, Tim.

Clearly there has been some kind of mix-up.

Oh dear!

Now I have to inform you that everything that you have seen today

falls strictly within the official secrets act,

and its breach will result in life in prisonment.

- Do you understand? - Yes. Yes.

You have put us in a very awkward position.

But luckily for you, I like awkward positions.

Always have. You read me?

- No. - Terrific.

Now Tim, you've demonstrated skills today

that we can definitely use.

So what do you say, pal? You want a job?

- What? Doing what? - What do you think?

As an agent in her majesty's secret intelligent service.

Shut up!

No, rea...

Any questions?

- Um, what does the job involve? - That's classified.

- Do I get to stay in London? - Classified.

But I'd be working for you? No, I got it!

- Classified. - No it isn't.

- No? Okay. - No, only kidding.

That really is classified.

I... could I think about it?

No. Not a way around.

But Tim, if you do accept this job,

your world will never be the same again.

People's lives will depend on you.

Is that fun? Of course it is

But it's also a burden.

A burden that you cannot share with anyone.

And I mean anyone.

Well? What do you say?

You did well today, Caitlin.

Welcome aboard!

Lovely!

- It's so beautiful. - What are you wearing?

I was just catching some rays.

- Have you shot it yet? - No.

- Can we shoot it? - No, it's really dangerous.

Oh, from so you heard?

This is ridiculus. I went for job in IT.

How could I be a government agent?

Yeah, I am amazed about how you keep that a secret.

You see how bad I'm going to be at this?

- Oh, can we shoot Marcus? - No, it's... Marcus, damn it!

- Sorry, can I? - Yeah.

- Don't tell anyone! - Okay!

Hey! Sorry!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

I'm so sorry!

- Are you okay? - Mommy said you'd be late.

Yet another reason why she loaths you.

- Is that true? - What do you think?

Philip's never late.

Can we please not discuss Philip?

- No offense Philip. - Rodger that.

23 minutes late.

- Make a note, please Philip. - Sorry muchacho!

Can we get in the car? I'm actually quite cold.

- Good response time, Mommy. - Won't be long now, Marcus!

Ciao bud, you call me, eh?

Stop saying that, I will never call you!

10-4.

Ask me about the interview.

- How was the interview? - It was good.

- Did you get the job? - Yes I did.

And what critical function will you be providing?

Okay, you are not going to believe this,

but your father is going to be responsible for...

copying spreadsheets and imputting random data.

It must be thrilling to have finally fulfilled your potential.

It really is.

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