Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

There's nothing like picking apples on a summer's day.

(GRUNTS)

Hey, it's stuck.

What the--

(YELLS)

Eh, what's up, Spock?

I'll tell you what's up, inferior life form.

You're going to tell me how to take over the Earth!

Sorry, pal. But this planet is already taken.

So why don't you take your little spacecraft

and toodle on back to where you came from?

If you don't help me,

then I will use my disintegration ray

to destroy you!

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) On second thought,

maybe the Earth could use some new management.

Oh, goody, goody.

Tell me all your earthling secrets.

All my earthling secrets?

Well, I'm scared of the dark,

I don't always brush my teeth before bed,

and sometimes I wear the same underpants

two days in a row.

I mean, secrets to taking over the Earth!

Oh, those secrets.

Well, if you wanna take over the Earth,

the secret is mastering three activities.

I just love activities.

And mastery.

(PLAYERS GRUNTING)

All right. This is one of the three activities

you must master to take over the Earth.

It's called football. We do it every weekend.

It looks like they're trying to rip each other's heads off!

Yeah, pretty much.

But if you wanna take over the Earth,

you gotta be able to run all the way down to the end of the field

and score a touchdown.

You're new at this.

I'm gonna help you out.

Now here's the play. Tight right, Z-54,

butterscotch crunch on three.

I don't know what that means.

- Just go long! -(YELLS)

Down, set, Red Omaha, Red Omaha!

I'm Red Omaha!

Get out of here, I'm trying to save the world!

(RED OMAHA YELLS)

Hut, hut, hike!

(MARVIN YELLS)

You did it, Marvin!

You scored a touchdown!

MARVIN: (GROANING) Oh, goody, goody.

And now it's time for the extra point.

(SCREAMING)

He's good!

If I'm good,

then why do I feel so bad?

It doesn't matter how you feel.

You did it!

You learned football!

So, that means I'm ready to take over the Earth?

No, you have two more activities to learn.

Follow me.

Welcome to your next activity. The steak house.

Now, if you wanna take over the world,

you have to get your picture on this restaurant's wall of fame.

And the only way to do that

is to eat the biggest steak they have.

(WHIMPERS)

Now bring out the big one, boys!

Huh?

(BEEPS)

Oh, dear. (GROANS)

Heavens to Murgatroyd,

this is too big!

Then I guess you can't get your picture on the wall.

What? Wait.

Marvin never quits!

You know, for a little guy,

he's got quite the appetite.

(MARVIN BURPS LOUDLY)

There. I... (GAGS) did it.

Now let's get your picture.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Now that you've mastered the art of overeating,

you have to master the art of overshopping.

At this wholesale warehouse store.

Look at all these great deals.

I don't know why,

but I suddenly have the urge to buy everything!

That's right. Hit it, Rhoda.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ You gotta buy You gotta buy in bulk

♪ You gotta buy You gotta buy in bulk

♪ Don't just sit and sulk You gotta buy in bulk

♪ Second verse Same as the first

♪ You gotta buy You gotta buy in bulk

♪ You gotta buy You gotta buy in bulk

♪ Don't just sit and sulk You gotta buy in bulk

♪ Yeah ♪

(MARVIN GRUNTING)

You need bigger carts.

(RUMBLING)

Oh, no.

Now that I've got my bounty loaded into my spaceship,

it's time for planetary domination!

You should've had it delivered, doc.

Ooh, you tricked me, rabbit!

You'll pay for this!

(SARCASTICALLY) Oh, no.

(GASPING AND PANTING)

Eh, what's up, doc?

I'm too tired to chase you.

I'm still exhausted from shopping and gorging on meat.

Forget about chasing me.

I have a better activity for us to do.

Another root beer?

No, thank you. I'm good.

This is actually the ultimate Earth activity.

It's called "Putting your feet up."

Ooh, I like putting my feet up.

In fact, I could put my feet up all the time.

What about taking over the Earth?

I think the Earth has taken over me.

(BURPS)

I'll see that burp and raise you another. (BURPS)

Oh, no. I'll see that burp and raise you another.

(BURPS)

(BOTH CONTINUES BURPING)

Gentlemen, this here is the noted oceanographer Blacque Jacque Shellacque.

Is that the guy in the courtroom

with the little, tiny typewriter?

No, Horace. An Oceanographer is someone who explores the vast ocean waters,

and documents and tells his adventures.

Well, we think Blacque Jacque is using his documentaries

as an elaborate sponge-dealing operation.

I believe that's illegal.

Yeah, I need those things to clean my dirty dishes.

Sponges are a valuable part of the delicate ocean ecosystem,

but they're worth a lot of money.

Your assignment will be to go undercover,

and work on Blacque Jacque's sub.

We're gonna make sub sandwiches!

All my dreams are coming true!

You're not making sub sandwiches, you knucklehead!

But I got so excited I cut all this roast beef!

Don't worry, buddy. I'll find a nice home for you someday.

No problem, Chief.

- You can count on us. -(CHUCKLES)

Let me tell you about all the different sandwiches

there are in the world, all right?

There's Monte Cristo,

there's grilled cheese,

there's ham on rye--

So, you silly willies are my pathetic excuse for a crew, eh?

Oh, man. That little guy is angry.

That's hilarious.

Porky and Horace, reporting for duty, Captain.

Well, don't just stand there like day-old poutine.

Get into my submarine!

There is exploring to do

and money to be made. (CHUCKLES)

(SUBMARINE SONAR BEEPING)

Now, you are my crew and you will do as I say.

You will be a finely tuned machine.

What's a what? Did you say hot tuna on wheat?

I do not want a sandwich!

I said "Fine tuned machine!"

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, I still don't know what you're saying, lil' fella.

Stop patronizing me.

Now, get to your stations!

You got it, Mr. Jacque.

Ooh! Look at all these cool buttons and lights!

Gee, I wonder what this one does.

(GROANS)

Hmm, doesn't seem to be doing anything.

Hey, maybe the button is sticky or somethin'.

Horace, stop pressing those buttons!

Ooh, sorry. Better?

Press the same button!

We gotta get that periscope off the Captain.

(YELLING)

Oh, no. Where did Blacque Jacque go?

Oh, hey, Captain.

What are you doing outside the sub?

Oh, no. We gotta get him back in here quick!

You two are grossly unqualified.

BLACQUE: Okay, let's try this again.

You will film me

as I narrate the beautiful water dance of the fishes.

Roll film, pig.

This is the coral that lives on the ocean floor.

Its finely delicate structure

is a perfect hiding spot for electric eels.

Huh?

-(ELECTRICITY BUZZING) -(GROANING)

(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

Hey, Porky. You got the high score.

(PORKY SHUDDERING)

Thanks for this cage, Captain.

Is this to protect me from sharks?

It's to protect you from me if we don't get this next shot!

Maybe we can film something soft and cuddly?

Like sponges. Do you know where they are?

What do you know about sponges?

-(THUDDING) - What was that?

Hold on, I'll be right back.

Wait, what about me?

BLACQUE: You'll be fine. Just stay in the cage.

Horace, I think Blacque Jacque

is swimming off to steal the sponges.

I'm gonna go after him.

Open the cage.

Okay. You got it!

(SCREAMS) Sharks!

Close the cage!

Oh, don't worry, partner. I got this!

Whoops. Wrong button.

BLACQUE: Get away from my little piggy, you overgrown halibut.

One down, one to-- (SCREAMS)

(SHUDDERS) Horace. It looks like this is the end.

I want you to know what you were a great partner.

Hey, shark. Don't have the ham.

Try the roast beef instead!

Mmm.

(CHOMPING)

(BURPS)

Horace, you did it!

You saved my life--

(STUTTERS) You saved my bacon!

(CHUCKLES) I knew I could be a great sandwich sculptor.

Now let's go stop Blacque Jacque from stealing those sponges.

(GROANING)

PORKY: There he is.

(BLACQUE GROANING)

Get your croissants off of me!

HORACE: Chief, what are you doing on the ocean floor?

And why do you have that big bag full of illegal sponges?

Because I'm the one stealing the sponges!

(ALL GASP)

(CHOMPING) Mmm. Mm-hmm-hmm.

You see, Blacque Jacque here

kept interrupting my sponge-stealin' scheme

when he films his little videos.

I signed you two dunderheads to stop him.

I figured you'd keep him far away from here,

so I can steal all these fluffy sponges for myself.

Feel 'em! They're so fluffy.

So goldarn fluffy!

Ooh, he's right.

They are fluffy and whatnot.

He's also right about you two being dunderheads.

Even so, we did our job and caught the bad guy.

Horace, take the Chief away.

What's gonna happen to me?

You're going to jail.

Where unlike sponges, they won't be soft on you.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)