Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Thanks for coming on such short notice, Mr. Pig.

(STUTTERING) There's no group of students that the right teacher can't engage

in the wonders of edu... (STAMMERING) Learning.

There's no group of students, we just got one student.

Once I open this door,

there's no going back.

He's been held back, a lot.

(SHAVER WHIRRING)

(STAMMERING) Don't worry, I won't let you down.

-(DOOR SLAMS) -(YELPS)

(STAMMERING) Good morning, student.

I will be your substitute teacher for the day.

And my name is Mr. Pig.

Hmm. Uh, "Mr. Pig is lame"? (CHUCKLES)

Oh, I... I'm afraid you're mistaken.

You know, my legs are quite spry and healthy.

Sheesh. This guy doesn't even know when I'm making fun of him.

Okay. We'll start with some American history.

What United States President

delivered the Gettysburg Address?

I don't know. (CHOMPS)

But I know who delivered this pizza.

And... And no food in the classroom.

Clearly, you're forgetting about the first amendment.

The right to free cheese! (CHOMPS AND GULPS)

Just take out your books and turn to the page 26.

Uh, I don't have page 26.

- Eh, why not? - Because I ate it.

(CONTINUES CHOMPING AND GULPING)

Stop eating your book!

Here, take my book.

Now, what do you see there on page 26?

I see nothing because I lost your book!

Oh, fine. Take this one.

Now, be careful with it because it's the last one I have.

- Ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! - Daffy?

I lost your book again.

What!

Oh, there they are. They must've gone to recess.

I'm gonna show you how to make an electromagnet.

You wrap a wire around the metal rod,

then attach the battery to the wire.

-(ROD BUZZING) -(CLINKS)

A-ha! Science!

That's it? You'll never make science popular that way.

You have to give 'em a show!

You use these trash cans and some jumper cables.

You know, that's very inventive, Daffy.

Where did you find the jumper cables?

From your car.

- Huh? -(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)

Huh? (GROANS)

Here comes the bust of Rutherford B. Hayes.

PORKY: Ouch! Thank you, Mr. President.

- Look out for the filing cabinet! - PORKY: Oh, no!

Oh, no! An entire box of thumbtacks.

(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)

(PORKY GROANS)

I believe that should be everything.

(WHOOSHES)

Oh, look, your car.

Okay, time for some Alge...

(STUTTERING) Time for some math.

- If 5 - A plus two equals 22,

what is the value of "A"?

I have no idea.

Here, let me give you some scratch paper.

Great! 'Cause I've got an itch right here.

(MOANS IN RELIEF) That hits the spot.

You work out the equation on the paper until you solve it.

Ooh! So, it's like a mystery?

All right, Equation! Where were you on the night of January 26th?

I've got an eraser and I'm not afraid to use it.

Knock it off!

Let me show you how you do it.

If five times four equals 20,

which means "A" equals four.

Four? This is a fore.

(YELLING) Fore!

(SQUEALING)

That's it.

(STAMMERING) That duck is gonna learn something,

if it's the last thing I do.

- How many golf balls did you hit at me? - Ten.

- And how many did you start with? - Sixteen.

- So, how many golf balls do you have left? - Six.

I believe that's the answer!

I got the right answer?

That's never happened before!

Let's see if you can do it again. Here.

Wet this paper and throw it at the ceiling.

(SLURPING) Chuck! Chuck!

Now, launch these spitballs at the chalkboard.

(CHOMPS)

- How many wads of paper are on the ceiling? - Seven.

- And how many did you launch at the board? - Thirty.

- What's 30 plus seven? - Thirty seven.

Look at the addition!

Now, read this copy of Hamlet and I'll let you eat the book.

Done. (GULPS) And done.

What is the most famous speech in Hamlet?

"To be or not to be,

"that is the question."

Now, we're gonna launch a vinegar-rocket.

Step one, fill bottles with vinegar, our acid.

Step two, drop in baking soda, our base.

Step three!

Stand back and watch the show!

-(PORKY SQUEALS) -(DAFFY EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY)

So, Daffy, why are these bottles exploding?

Because carbon dioxide gas is released by the combination of the acid and the base.

So, basically, the bottle passes gas.

PORKY: And you pass my little class!

What is going on here?

Can you believe this ducky graduated? He is a total success.

He graduated?

Everyone, we don't have to deal with him anymore.

Thank goodness, our long national nightmare is finally over.

(SNIFFS) He graduated.

Congrats, Daffy.

And since you're the only student in my class,

you are the vale-duck-torian.

Some people go back to school...

And some go "quack" to school.

Crystal balls, tarot cards,

I see the future.

Viktor the Psychic!

(ALL CHEERING)

ALL: Oh, Viktor! You're amazing!

- These guys are so phony. - Whatever.

Viktor the Psychic can see into your future,

read your aura, and communicate with those from the great beyond!

For a small fee, of course.

Who would be gullible enough to believe the--

ALL: Me! Me! Me!

You, sir! I am sensing

that there is someone in your past here with you tonight.

It is your grandmother

and she's with us now.

Yeah, she's sitting right next to me.

Wow.

I'm sensing great pain in your future.

Actually, I feel pretty good.

(SCREAMS) Ow!

Wow, you were right.

-(ALL CHEERING) - Oh, come on!

Now, who wants me to take a look-see into their future?

Oh, me! Oh, me! Me, me, me!

Have a seat, Mr. Squirrel.

Watch and wonder as I gaze into your future with my crystal ball.

Hmm. (GASPS)

Soggy-stroodle. Your future is sad

- because in the not-so-distant future... - Huh?

You will lose all your money!

I am Viktor Psychic!

-(ALL CHEERING) - ALL: Oh, Viktor! We love you.

Okay, I've seen enough.

You're taking advantage of all these innocent patriots.

You're a fraud.

(DRAMATICALLY) Oh, I'm sensing

that you will not be with us for very long.

Eh, what are you talkin' about?

(SCREAMS AND GROANS)

- Of course you know this-- - This means war?

I knew you were going to say that 'cause I'm a psychic!

(READING)

Now, I need a victim...

(NERVOUSLY) Uh, I mean, volunteer

for a reading of the invisible energy field that surrounds us all.

An aura reading.

BUGS: Did someone say aura reading?

(WHOOSHES AND POOFS)

- Who are you? - It is I, Bugsito the Psychic.

I've never heard of Bugsito the Psychic.

I'm such an amazing psychic that in my presence,

even a non-psychic can see auras.

CROWD: Ooh!

Ah, yes. Your aura is very bright.

Suddenly, I feel very warm.

Yes, it has a little red in it.

(VIKTOR SCREAMS)

Now, your aura is black and blue.

The Bugsito is amazing!

Argh! Friends, maybe our guest can help your see auras,

but only I can read palms and tell your future.

Then why don't you read my palm?

I am not scared to read another psychic's palm.

- BUGS: Here you go, Doc. - Okay.

I see that you're sort of furry...

(SNIFFS) Very smelly

and you need a manicure. Hmm?

-(GROWLING) -(VIKTOR GROANS)

I, Bugsito, will read your future using only these cards.

Not so fast! I am the one who reads the tarot cards.

I don't use tarot cards, I use greeting cards.

"Sorry for your loss"? I didn't lose anything.

(CHUCKLING) Yes, you did.

-(SQUEALS) - You just lost your dignity.

Read this one.

"Get well soon"? But I feel fine.

-(GROWLS) - VIKTOR: Beaver skeever!

(READING)

(QUIVERING IN FEAR)

Sorry for the interruptions.

Now, we can begin the spookiest part of the show

where we can make contact with the other side!

(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL GASPING)

Spirits, I beseech thee

to speak of secrets left untold from the other side!

BUGS: (SPOOKILY) Yes! I have many secrets to tell!

Many dark secrets about you, Viktor!

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

(NERVOUSLY) What do you know?

I know that your wear extra-extra small tighty-whities.

It's true.

BUGS: And I know you swindled that poor squirrel out of all his money

by pretending to see the future.

(SOBBING) It's true! I am a swindler.

A phony, a fraud!

(BAWLING)

-(ALL EXCLAIMING IN HORROR) - I'm not Viktor the Psychic,

I'm just Viktor, the lying person.

-(ALL JEERING) -(VIKTOR GROANS)

We're not mad!

Just deeply disappointed.

BUGS: Now, make amends for this great evil thou hast done.

I'll do whatever your say, most merciful spirit.

-(SCREECHES) - What the...

-(VIKTOR SNARLING) -(SQUIRREL SCREECHES)

Uh, ignore the rabbit behind the curtain.

(VIKTOR SCREAMS)

-(ALL JEERING) - VIKTOR: Can't see where I'm going.

- Whoa! -(SNARLING)

(GROANING)

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am Johnny Grambus

and I own this TV station.

In light of tonight's events,

I have decided to cancel this fraud's TV show.

But, tune in tomorrow for my replacement show,

Bear on a Ball. It's sure to be a hit.

-(VIKTOR GROANS) - Told ya'.

How did a psychic not see that coming? (CHUCKLING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)