Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Ah. Floating down the Mississippi River.

The trees are swaying, the frogs are chirping,

and that giant steam-powered paddle boat

is racing towards me.

(SCREAMING) Yikes!

-(WHIRRING) -(YELLING)

(SCREAMING)

(THUDDING)

What's this? A stowaway?

On my riverboat?

I'm not a stowaway.

Your riverboat ran over my dinghy.

Well, you got in my way with your pathetic little dinghy.

You would be wise not to besmirch my dinghy.

(CHUCKLING) Okay, okay.

Let me make it up to you.

Step into my office.

You're not just blowing smoke, are you?

I'm not.

But this here smokestack is.

(BUGS SCREAMS)

This captain is going down.

With or without his ship.

Well, that takes care of that.

(EXCLAIMS)

(SLURPS)

I've been saving this for a special occasion.

Well, hello there, ma'am.

These eyes have seen many beautiful sights,

but none of them compares to you.

Oh, my. Are you speaking to little old me?

Would you allow me the pleasure

of showing you around my magnificent riverboat?

- Oh, how lovely. -(SMACKING)

Are you okay?

Yes, ma'am. Just enjoying the company.

May I show you the bridge?

As long as you don't show me the poop deck.

This here is where I steer the ship.

It's called the wheel. Give it a try!

Whee!

That's why we call it a whee-l!

Now, how'd you like to take me for a spin?

(THUDDING)

Are you okay?

That kiss sure packed a wallop.

Will you marry me?

I think we should put this relationship

on the breaks.

Huh?

Whoa!

How dare you play with my heart, rabbit?

Gators! Help!

(GURGLING)

Now, where'd you get off to?

Yoo-hoo! Oh, captain, my captain!

Don't move a muscle.

I'm gonna come up there and clean your clock.

BUGS: Yoo-hoo!

(DOORS SLAMMING)

BUGS: (WHISTLING) I give up.

Aha!

I got you now, rabbit.

Rat biscuits.

(EXCLAIMING)

(SCREAMING)

Help me, rabbit. Help!

I know just the thing you need.

(GROANING)

-(GRUNTS) -(SPLASHES)

-(EXCLAIMING IN RELIEF) -(HORN BLARING)

- Got it. - I hate you.

BUGS: Yoo-hoo!

For your listening pleasure, the musical stylings

of your riverboat captain, Yosemite Sam.

But I can't sing.

You have to. Look how excited they are.

(ALL CHEERING)

But I don't know no songs.

Here. Just sing this.

But, I...

(PLAYING THE PIANO)

♪ Oh I can't stand you people You're all a waste of space

♪ Go jump into the water And put a smile Upon my face

JOHN: Hey, are you singing about us?

No, this isn't about you. Not at all.

♪ I know I said I wasn't But I'm singing about you

♪ John's ugly and he's smelly Rick has fungus in his shoe

JOHN: Now, wait a minute. Are you singing about us or not?

'Cause that was pretty specific, Rick.

RICK: For sure, John.

No, honest. This is not about you guys.

Maybe I should stop singing.

JOHN: No. Sing what's left on the sheet.

RICK: Yeah. Finish what you started.

(PLAYING THE PIANO)

♪ You're ugly Dumb and smelly

♪ And your breath makes me sick

♪ But all of you Are better off Then being John or Rick ♪

-(SPLATTERS) - JOHN: All right, that does it.

- JOHN: Get him, boys. - RICK: Get him, boys.

-(BOOING) -(EXCLAIMS GRACIOUSLY)

(LAUGHING)

(YELLS)

Ooh!

Get off my paddle, rabbit.

(EXCLAIMS)

(GURGLING)

(PANTING)

- Hey, what's up, doc? - Oh, hey, rabbit.

Rabbit?

Okay, everyone. We're gonna throw this boat in reverse.

(EXCLAIMING)

BUGS: Now forward, and back.

Forward, back, forward.

(EXCLAIMING)

- BUGS: Forward, back. - Please!

Okay, doc.

Phew.

Go backward. Go backward!

Forward! Go forward!

Go backward!

I'm weary.

This is a much better way to ride down to Mississippi.

(PANTING)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

Who knew?

All it takes to power a steamboat is a little dinghy.

(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)

(BULL BELLOWING)

(CAR REVVING)

(PHONE RINGING)

- Hello? - LIAM: Dorlock.

It's your wealthy benefactor, Liam Luxurious.

Hold on. It's Liam Luxurious, my wealthy benefactor.

I was staying at his estate in exchange for detective work.

Some art has been stolen from the local art museum,

and I need you to find it.

You got it. Dorlock P.I. is on the case.

Dorlock, you told me you were gonna clean the pool.

Well, Piggins, I was gonna clean the pool

but I started eating this bowl of caviar and forgot.

Oh, the caviar is for special occasions only.

Oh, but this is a special occasion.

We have a case to solve.

- What's that? - My super cool theme music.

I can't solve a case without it.

To my super cool sportscar!

(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(GRUNTS)

Can I help you?

Dorlock Holmes, private eye.

- This is my sidekick, Piggins. - I'm glad you're here.

Someone has stolen the Jade Stuffengerben.

Gesundheit.

I didn't sneeze, the Stuffengerben is one of these.

They stole a tiny green dwarf?

This isn't a robbery, it's a kidnapping!

It's not a real dwarf, it's a sculpture.

Who would make an ugly little thing like that?

I made it.

Where did you last see these (STAMMERS) Stuffengerben?

Gesundheit. It was in a display case over there.

Out of my way.

The first thing we need to do is dust for fingerprints.

Piggins, dust for fingerprints.

Hmm.

(SNEEZES) (EXCLAIMING)

(SCREAMING) My eyes!

Oh, stop it.

You're ruining the art museum.

Get it off me! Get it off me!

Dorlock, look at this.

Someone left this orange paintbrush near the display stand.

A clue!

To the super-cool sportscar!

-(SPUTTERS) -(CRASHES)

(CRASHES)

So, why are we at the art fair again?

Because the art fair is filled with artists.

Artists who use paintbrushes.

And orange paintbrushes!

DORLOCK: That big chicken must have stolen the Stuffengerben.

And I bet he's hiding it in that trunk over there.

I'll distract him while you go through that trunk.

- How're we gonna do that? - With a disguise.

Oh, there you go, Miss Delilah.

Your Foghorn masterpiece is complete.

(IN FEMALE VOICE) Care to paint my picture?

My, my, my.

You're more pretty than an apple pie made of sunsets.

Please step inside my studio,

so I may immortalize your most beautiful visage.

(GRUNTS)

Now, let's get you posed up.

Now, if you could just tilt your head a little and raise your arm,

extend your right pinky three inches, flare your nostrils,

spread your toes, adjust your earlobe,

turn your ankles out 30 degrees, invert your elbows

and slide your heels underneath your pelvis.

Maybe let's go back to the original pose.

(EXPLOSION)

Hold on, you ain't no pretty lady.

And you're an art thief.

- You stole the Snuffengerben. - Gesundheit.

It's not here. There's nothing in this trunk but a bunch of broken polka records.

Then at least you didn't waste the dynamite.

See? I told you I didn't steal nothing.

Then where did you get that paintbrush?

That guy gave it to me.

(CAR REVVING)

- He's getting away! - Time for a super-cool car chase.

(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

- The bridge is up! - I'm down.

All right, where's the Stuffengerben?

Look at all these boxes. He's stealing paintings, too.

That's not a painting. That's a pizza.

I didn't steal anything.

I'm a pizza guy.

If you didn't steal any art, then where did you get all these paintbrushes?

The janitor at the art museum gave them to me in exchange for some pizza.

The real mystery is why everyone keeps paying for things with paintbrushes.

To the museum!

The jig is up, Janitor.

Now come along peacefully, or face the consequences.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm warning you, old man.

I know krav ma-duck,

a combination of jujitsu, karate and clog dancing.

Super cool karate fight!

- Hiya! - Get out of my face.

(SMACKS)

Come on, old timer.

We know you took the Snuffengerben.

Yeah, of course I took it. I was cleaning it.

You did it! You found the Jade Snuffengerben.

Gesundheit.

It just goes to show you,

finding a Snuffengerben is nothing to sneeze at.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)