Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

I've done it!

I, Cal-umbus,

have discovered a New World all by myself.

Don't believe everything you read in history books.

I claim this land for my show.

My Cal-umbus show.

Look at all these things I have discovered.

I've discovered this beach.

I've discovered this rock.

I've discovered this cute little turtle.

What is that, little turtle?

Did you say I'm awesome at discovering?

I know!

Hey, watch what you're doing.

(CHUCKLES) I have also discovered this disappointed rabbit.

I think I will eat him for lunch

so I have energy to do more discovering.

Who do you think you are?

I am Cal-umbus.

And I have discovered you.

Finders eaters, losers weepers.

Wait a minute there, Cal-umbus.

If you eat me, who's going to guide you

to all the other great discoveries?

Ah! I love discoveries!

I even have this "I'm nutty for discovery" tattoo.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay.

That's one thing I wish I hadn't discovered.

Now, follow me.

Okay, you ready to discover

your very own New World jaguar?

Jaguar?

What is a jaguar?

Oh, he's a beautiful animal asleep in that cave over there.

You'll just need to bang on this pot and pan

if you want to sneak up on him.

Jaguar! Prepare to be discovered!

Oh, so that's a jaguar.

(SNARLING)

Why don't we find you a New World giant bear instead?

He's right over there in the bushes.

BUGS: He's very timid and shy.

So, if you want to sneak up on him,

you'll first need to put on some camouflage.

Perfect. Oh, and don't forget to coat yourself with honey.

Bears love honey.

Now get moving, champ.

(LAUGHS) Prepare to be discovered, giant bear.

(SNARLING)

(CAL-UMBUS EXCLAIMING IN HORROR)

I think your camouflage outfit is broken.

You know, for a guy who sailed halfway around the world,

he ain't too bright.

Now I'm gonna take you to discover the fish of the New World.

Where are they, rabbit?

Ah, you won't be needing that net.

All you have to do is get into the water,

and they swim right to you.

Let me see.

(SPLASHES)

Fish! Fish.

Yes!

No! Ow, ow, ow!

CAL-UMBUS: (EXCLAIMING) They're biting me!

(YELLING)

(SPLASHES)

(PANTING)

Hey, Cal, now you're discovering a crocodile.

A crocodile?

(EXCLAIMS)

(GRUNTS)

Now, you're discovering an anaconda.

(GRUNTING)

The New World can be tough to swallow,

but Cal is not.

I'm beginning to think that you are messing with me.

And I'm going to eat you.

If you eat me, then I can't show you the giant boulder of gold.

The goulder?

This will be my greatest discovery yet.

Then let's go.

(TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING)

We've got to go through the forest of punching monkeys first.

Monkeys? I am not a-scared of no stinking monkeys.

CAL-UMBUS: (EXCLAIMS) Right in my paella.

BUGS: And then the guy says,

"You don't understand. Chumps is my dog."

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(CAL-UMBUS EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

Hey, Cal, when you're done playing with the monkeys, come up on the mountain.

CAL-UMBUS: Okay.

One goulder coming up.

Cal, I found the boulder of gold.

The goulder?

The giant boulder of gold is mine!

- Oops. - Oh, no!

(COMICAL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(EXCLAIMS)

-(GROANS) -(THUDS)

(EXCLAIMING)

(SQUISHING)

(SPLASHES)

(EXCLAIMING)

(GROWLING)

(CRASHES)

(GROANS)

I am ruined.

Ruined!

(CRYING)

Explorers leave no stone unturned.

But sometimes, they should.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Are you sure you want to try out for the football team, Porky?

I'm sure, Bugs.

Ever since I was a little piglet,

it's been my dream to play football for the Fighting Foghorns

Okay, but I hope you don't get squashed.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

All right, gather around. Gather around.

So, it looks like nobody, and I say, nobody had the guts

to try out for this finely tuned football machine.

- I'm here to try out, Coach. - Who said that?

Show your face, spirit.

I'm down here.

I want to play for the Foghorns.

You?

(ALL LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

Oh.

Oh.

You're serious?

Son, look around you.

All of my players are big, strong fellas.

Now, look at you. You're four foot nothin',

three hundred and something, and don't have a speck of athletic ability.

Give me a shot, Coach?

Fine, if you want to try and play with the big dogs, have at it.

But don't get yourself killed.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Hit the ropes!

(YELLING)

Son, I say, son, you're a real ball hog.

(CHUCKLING)

Hey, don't laugh at him.

He's trying his best.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Nobody asked you. All right, son. You had enough yet?

(STUTTERING) No, Coach. I'm not gonna quit.

Well, have it your way.

All right, boys. Monkey rolls.

-(BLOWS WHISTLE) -(THUMPS)

Oh, man, Porky's getting trounced out there.

I gotta do something.

(GROANING)

It's time to kick it up a notch.

Circle up. Tackling drills.

(GRUNTING)

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Hold up, Hammy.

It looks like we've got ourselves a mole infiltrating our practice.

Hey, what's up, doc?

This field's for players only, rabbit.

-(YELLING) -(THUMPS)

Shame. I was going for a field goal.

-(CHUCKLING) -(THUMPS)

Heads up, Coach.

(WHISTLE BLOWING) I done... Gone... Swallowed... My... Whistle...

Help!

-(COUGHING) -(THUMPS)

You saved my life, Pig.

So I'm gonna do you a favor

and save yours in return.

You're terrible, son.

You need to leave before you wind up on the injured list.

Go on. Get.

- Porky? - Not now, Bugs.

(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)

-(SIGHS SADLY) - MAN: Why the long face, pal?

Oh, I tried out for the football team, but I ain't no good, so I quit.

Well, take it from me.

In football, quitters never win, and winners never quit.

Are you a football player?

No, I'm actor Sean Astin,

but I played a famous football player in a movie.

- Was it Tom Brady? - No.

- Cam Newton? - No, he's...

- Serena Williams? - That's a woman!

- Is it Secretariat? - That's a horse!

I played Rudy Ruettiger in the hit movie Rudy.

- I haven't seen it. - You haven't seen it?

It's "Certified Fresh" on Rotten Tomatoes.

Roger Ebert said my performance was serious and affecting.

Oh. I'll have to check it out.

That didn't sound very sincere.

And you should check it out.

Because Rudy had a dream to play football at the University of Notre Dame.

He wasn't the biggest guy or the fastest guy,

but he gave it his all, and he never quit.

Did he make it big in pro football?

No, his career ended after one play.

But he worked hard and he never gave up, and he made the team

- Oh, wow. - Yeah, wow!

Now, go be Rudy.

You're right, Actor Sean Astin. I'm going back out there.

Hold up.

Can you do me a favor, and pass these out to your teammates?

- What are they? - My headshots.

You never know when another football player

is gonna need an actor to play him in a movie.

Okay. Thanks, Actor Sean Astin.

Porky, what are you doing?

I'm going back to the tryouts, and you can't stop me.

I just didn't want you to get hurt.

But if you really want to do this,

I've got your back.

I'm back, Coach. Put me in!

No, thanks, son.

I don't feel like watching you hurt yourself any more.

Put Porky in, coach.

(IN DIFFERENT VOICE) Yeah, coach. Let Porky play.

(IN DIFFERENT VOICE) He's got more heart than all of us put together.

Yeah, Coach. Let the pig play.

Yeah, he don't quit. Put him in!

Porky! Porky!

ALL: Porky! Porky! Porky!

Porky! Porky!

Porky! Porky! Porky!

Fine. You can play.

But when you get beat like a pinata,

I ain't picking up the candy.

(SCREAMING)

Red Omaha! Red Omaha!

I'm Red Omaha! Hike!

(GRUNTS)

(THUMPS)

BUGS: Yeah!

You had it in you all along!

Hey, those are my headshots.

(TRIUMPHANT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

PORKY: Cut.

How was that, Porky?

It was great, Sean baby.

But I think you need to stutter more.

(STUTTERING) You got it.

I really put the pig in the pigskin.

(CHUCKLING)

(STUTTERING) That's all, folks.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)