Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

NARRATOR: Welcome to Elmer Fudd's literary classics.

Hello, I'm your host, Elmer Fudd.

Today's story is about a young orphan named CinderPorker

ELMER: who was adopted by a family of rich cats.

CinderPorker, what do you think you're doing?

(STAMMERING) Hello, Stepfather.

I was just scrubbing all the spilled cream off the floor.

I spilled it there on purpose.

It makes it easier to drink.

(SLURPING)

Knock it off.

You're aristocats.

You don't drink cream off the ground.

You drink it from a cup with your pinky extended.

Like this.

(SPLASHES)

(SLURPING)

Numskulls.

And you, you're supposed to be cleaning the toilets

and washing clogged sweat socks.

And picking the fleas off my butt.

Here.

Ugh, okay.

I will work faster.

Well, see that you do.

And in the meantime, it's time for us

to take our afternoon snoo-tea break.

Who wants a spicy tuna roll, huh?

I do, I do, I do!

(WHOOSHES)

(SIGHS GRIMLY)

Oh, well, Tree.

You're the only one who doesn't have chores for me to do.

Well, actually, my upper branches

could use a little trimming.

Even you?

(LAUGHING)

- I'm just kidding. -(LAUGHING)

Oh, Tree. You're my best friend.

I'll always be your best friend.

I have no choice.

I'm rooted to the ground.

Stuck here.

♪ Oh, tree You're my very best friend

♪ I know you'll always stick with me Till the end

♪ You turn my tears Into a chuckle

♪ I sit on your branches And they don't bite

♪ 'Cause you got me Cooking with gas

♪ Hey, what's up With this rash? ♪

How many times do I have to tell you I'm a poison oak?

-(CINDERPORKER SCREAMS) -(THUDS)

Lotion! I need lotion!

(SCREAMING)

Poison oak. Never kept it a secret.

ELMER: Meanwhile, at the royal palace,

King Thes was trying to find his daughter, Petunia, a husband.

My daughter, three suitors have come to the kingdom

seeking your hand in marriage.

Are you ready to hear their declarations of love?

I told you I don't wanna meet anybody.

That's the spirit!

Bring in the first suitor.

I say, I say, Petunia.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Of course, now that I think about it,

on a summer's day, I get kind of sweaty.

(SNIFFS)

(RETCHING)

Oh, mercy me, I stink!

FOGHORN: It smells like garlic.

(FOGHORN SNIFFS)

FOGHORN: Reminds me of mommy's minestrone.

Next!

♪ Petunia! I want to marry you!

♪ I'm kinda out of options So I guess you'll do ♪

(SCREAMING)

Next.

Petunia, if you marry me, you won't have to do any housework,

because I built the Immacubot 9000.

Allow me to demonstrate.

(YELPS)

(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

(EXCLAIMING IN AGONY)

I'd go with the guy who smells like garlic.

I'm notmarrying any of them.

First off, they're all goofballs.

Second, they can't keep up with me.

♪ I love to eat peanut butter with my hands

♪ I play guitar In my one-man band

♪ I ride down Everest on just one ski

♪ But I drive my sports car at 103

♪ You can't keep up with me ♪ We can't keep up with she

♪ You can't keep up with me ♪ We can't keep up with she

♪ I can ace my calculus With my feet

♪ And do the booty wiggle to the disco beat

♪ So if a man wants me to wear his ring

♪ He's gotta be a dude who does all these things

♪ He's gotta keep up with me ♪ He's gotta keep up with she

♪ He's gotta keep up with me ♪ He's gotta keep up with she

♪ He's gotta keep up with me

♪ Because I'm super savvy ♪

Well, I don't care what she wants,

I'm going to find her a husband if it kills me.

(EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)

Daddy, daddy! Look at this!

"Princess Petunia is single and looking to mingle.

"All eligible bachelors in the kingdom

"are invited to the palace at 8:00 p.m."

That means the princess is looking for a prince!

Ooh!

I want to be a prince!

(MEWLING)

No, I want to be a prince!

-(BOTH SNARLING) - Knock it off!

Neither of you are gonna be a prince

if you don't clean up your act.

Porky, I need you to clean up these two for the ball.

(FLEAS BUZZING)

I'll see what I can do.

Well, look at you two.

You look stupendous!

Let's get to that ball before I marry you myself.

Hold up. Where do you think you're going?

To the ball.

You? Go to the ball?

(LAUGHING) That's rich.

Yeah, you can't go to the ball.

You're covered with garbage and fish guts.

What? No I'm not!

You are now!

(LAUGHING)

Come on, boys. We've got a princess to woo.

Yeah.

Ugh, I guess I'll never go to the ball.

Welcome to my world.

I can't go anywhere.

DAFFY: What a couple of sad sacks.

Who said that?

I did. I'm your fairy duck-mother.

I'm here to help you go to the ball.

Can I go too?

I'm his fairy duck-mother. Not yours.

Oh, nuts.

First, I'll prepare your door-to-door transport

by turning those mice into horses,

and that rutabaga into a carriage.

(THUDS)

But these are whales!

Okay, okay. Maybe we should work on your outfit first.

Orca bros, let's do this.

- Five, six, seven, eight. -(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Make him pretty Make him spiffy

♪ And let's do it in a jiffy

♪ First we wash him head to toe

♪ Give his skin a golden glow

♪ Give him fancy underpants Wear this perfume It's from France

♪ Make him fit the finest fabric

♪ Let's make sure that it's a classic

♪ Give his face a sparkling smile And his head a cool hairstyle

♪ Add a pair of platform shoes And throw in a fish or two

♪ Make him pretty Make him spiffy

♪ In a jiffy ♪

(music stops)

Have a great time!

(WHALES GROANING)

(CREAKING)

Yeah, you know what? I'm just gonna pop you in a sports car.

(ENGINE REVVING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Well, well, well,

look at all these potential princes.

Father, I told you I'm not interested.

Hi, toots.

You're coming with me.

(EXCLAIMS)

(WAILS)

(YELLS)

(CRASHING)

This is exactly why I don't need a man--

- Hey! - Oh, I'm sorry.

I get carried away sometimes when I'm disco dancing.

Did you say disco dancing?

- Of course. - Would you like to dance?

-(CHUCKLING) Sure. -(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

Sorry if my hands are sticky,

I eat peanut butter out of a jar.

So do I!

How did you get to be such a great disco dancer?

I just use basic calculus.

You like calculus?

I love calculus.

My best friend is an oak tree.

He checks my work.

Oak tree? My best friend is a rock.

You're the most incredible man I've ever met.

Wait right here,

I'm going to introduce you to my father.

Hey, where did my cool hairdo go?

DAFFY: Oh, I forgot to tell you.

The spell only lasts like ten minutes.

Who casts a ten-minute spell?

(SQUEALS)

Maybe get out of here

before your magic underwear goes poof.

(SQUEALING)

What? But...

Where is thatmysterious handsome prince

who was standing here?

He had to jet.

Taquito?

(PANTING)

(YELLS)

PETUNIA: Wait! We have so much in common!

I have a whole book of calculus we can do.

(THUDS)

(SQUEAKING)

(PANTING)

(POOFS)

(SQUEALING)

Mysterious prince, wait!

I will only marry the man

who fits in this goldfish platform shoe.

I know love is blind,

but did he have to have such bad taste?

We must find him!

ELMER: So, the princess and her father

went all around the countryside

looking for whoever would fit into the shoe.

After months of searching,

they came to the final house,

CinderPorker's house.

(STRAINING)

(TWANGING)

(MEOWS)

Don't eat the shoe.

Try on the shoe.

(THUMPING)

I guess I'll never find my Prince Charming.

Hey, I haven't tried it on yet.

Porky, it's not gonna fit you.

You're just a lowly servant pig.

You're the man I fell in love with on the dance floor.

Porky, will you marry me?

But, Petunia, I...

(STAMMERING)

(CONTINUES TO STAMMER)

All right, let's move this along.

♪ Petunia You're my very best friend

♪ I know you'll always stick with me till the end

♪ You're handsome and true With you the world seems so brand-new

♪ Because of you I am now free

♪ Oh let's get married by this tree ♪

I now pronounce you pig and male pig.

You may kiss the groom.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

Still a poison oak.

- Lotion! - I need lotion!

ELMER: And so they lived scratchily ever after.

Because long stories are like taquitos.

The cheesier the better.

(CHUCKLING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)