Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Good evening.

It is I, Elmer Fudderbatch,

the greatest Shakespearean actor

of all time.

Prepare yourselves for five hours

of non-stop theatrical perfection

without intermission.

(SPLUTTERING)

Five hours?

To ensure I won't be interrupted,

we're locking the door, so no one can leave.

(LAUGHING WICKEDLY)

(DOORS LOCKING)

What the...

Now let the show begin!

"To be, or not to be, that is the question."

DAFFY: Here's my question,

where are the exits?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) All right, who's the wise guy

who's ruining my soliloquy?

The name's Daffy Duck.

And this is the worst movie I have ever seen.

This isn't a movie.

This is Shakespeare!

Whatever it is, it's terrible.

How dare you insult my performance?

No one interrupts Elmer Fudderbatch.

Now get off my stage!

(GRUNTS AND GROANS)

Hmm, costumes, props.

I think it's time for Daffy Ducklivier to take the stage.

"But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?

"It is the east, and Juliet is the--"

Duck?

A duck by any other name would smell as sweet.

(INHALES)

(GAGS AND COUGHS)

Whoo! I could really use some deodorant.

"With love's light wings did I o'erperch these walls."

You mean, these walls?

(ELMER GROANS)

"Parting is such sweet sorrow."

"Sweet sorrow?" Who wrote this dreck?

Oh, when I find that duck, I'm gonna--

There you are! What are you doing?

You gotta be on the stage for the big speech from King Lear.

But I don't have my costume.

Don't worry. I've got you covered.

Here's your robe. And let's not forget your crown.

Ah! (COUGHS)

Now, get out there, champ.

"Blow, winds, crack your cheeks!

(FARTING SOUND)

"Rage.

(FARTING SOUND)

"Blow."

(FARTING SOUND)

"You cataracts and hurricanoes spout fire!"

(BLOWING)

(RUMBLING) "Thou all-shaking thunder..."

(BLOWING RASPBERRY)

I find his performance to be long-winded.

You ruined my storm scene!

We can talk about it later.

You're going to wear this kilt for your next role.

Some Scottish guy name Macbeth.

No! Don't say the name of the play.

Terrible things happen to those who say it.

Say what? Macbeth.

Okay, come on.

You gotta get out there and play the King of Scotland.

"Is this a dagger I see before me?

"The handle toward... The handle..."

Uh, I forgot my lines. DAFFY: Psst.

Over here, chum.

Thanks, Mr. Duck.

(CLEARS THROAT) "Macbeth." Macbeth?

Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth.

Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth.

(CRYING) Macbeth!

Wait a minute.

Oh, no.

(GROANS IN AGONY)

"Now is the winter of our discontent,

"made glorious summer by this sun of York."

Hey, what are you doing?

Look, bub, this is the winter of my discontent.

I'm playing Richard III, not you.

I've got a hump.

You call that a hump?

(INHALES DEEPLY AND BLOWS)

This is a hump.

No one out-humps Elmer Fudderbatch.

(INHALES DEEPLY AND BLOWS)

(LAUGHS)

(INHALES DEEPLY AND BLOWS) Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

Ha-ha!

Ah! (GROANS)

I win.

You may have out-humped me,

but I've got a funny walk.

(GRUNTING)

Well, I've got a funnier walk.

(FUNNY VOICE) Walk, walk, walk, walk.

(ELMER GROANS) I've got an even funnier walk.

(GRUNTING)

(DAFFY GROANS) And I've got the funniest walk of all.

Walka, walka, walka, (SPITS) walka, (SPITS) walka.

Walka. (SPITS AND MUMBLES)

Walka, walka, walka, walka. (SPITS)

You know, I think he's right.

That was pretty funny.

En garde, knave!

Hey, look, is that Scott Bakula?

(GASPS) World's greatest actor! Where?

Ooh, you got me!

(DRAMATIC VOICE) I am slain. (GASPS)

Thou hast made worms' meat of me.

And I hate worms' meat!

(NORMAL VOICE) Although it's not bad with a slice of avocado.

Ooh, I have kicked the bucket!

I've bought the farm!

(IMITATING PORKY'S STAMMERING) That's all, folks.

(GROANS)

(GASPING)

(GASPS AND GROANS)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

Oh, you stole my big death scene.

Listen to that applause.

That's not for me, it's for you.

It is? Oh, thank you.

Thank you. Oh, you like me. You really like--

(AUDIENCE BOOING)

(YELLING)

Huh! Guess I was wrong.

It was for me. Thank you.

A'thank you, my dearest subjects.

Oh, you ruined my show! I'm gonna...

(ELMER SCREAMING)

(ELMER THUDDING)

(ELMER MUTTERING IN PAIN)

In theater, they tell you to break a leg,

but he just broke everything.

Eye of newt, two for the price of one.

Dirty, slimy earthworms, half off...

And for each toadwart you buy,

I'll throw in one of my own, absolutely free.

Oh, dearie, I knocked over my big box of spiders.

Broom! Get over here, and clean this up.

Faster, you lazy broom. And don't expect a thank you.

And while you're at it,

my gargoyle just had an accident in the corner. (SIGHS)

So, hop to it!

I love a good yard sale.

You never know what you're gonna find.

Well, look at all these great Halloween decorations.

(DEEP VOICE) Beware the witch's curse.

Or you too will suffer a fate worse than--

Boring. (SKULL SHATTERS)

Maybe I should look for something more practical.

(EERILY) Beware! Beware!

Well, hey, I guess I could use a new broom.

How much for this one?

Oh, I'm busy, dearie.

Whatever it is, uh, just give me a dollar. I'll take it.

What a deal! A new broom for only a dollar.

That bunny's got my magic broom!

No one bamboozles Witch-- (THUDS)

(GROANS AND THUDS)

(GRUNTS)

Oh, would you look at that?

The bridge is out. I guess I'll have to go all the way around.

Huh! Whoa!

I'm flying.

Look, Ma, no hands!

(BRAKES SCREECH)

What's up, doctress?

You took my broom from me, and I want it back.

I didn't take it. I paid for it.

Plus, I don't think it wants to be with you.

It doesn't matter what it wants.

It's my broom.

Now give it back, or you'll regret it.

The only thing I regret is this conversation.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my broom and I must be going.

If you don't give me that broom, I shall put a spell on you.

Do your worst.

"Spider belly, dragon bone,

"turn this rabbit into a stone."

(LAUGHS WICKEDLY)

Oh, my-- (GRUNTS)

(LAUGHING WICKEDLY)

You know, I've never even flown a broom before.

(LAUGHS WICKEDLY)

WITCH HAZEL: My wand is on empty.

Okay, okay, time-out swamp-breath.

"Swamp-breath" Ooh, are you flirting with me?

As long as we're casting spells,

I bet I can out-spell you any day of the week.

Oh, you're on.

No, no, no, no. Not that kind of spelling, this kind of spelling.

A spelling bee?

(ANNOUNCER VOICE) That's right. It's a spelling bee.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

The first word to spell is "Osprey."

Uh, can you use it in a sentence?

Sure. I'll spray you with this seltzer water.

Osprey? Uh...

"A--" (BUZZER SOUNDS)

Ooh, time's up.

The word for our next contestant, Bugs Bunny, is "Cat."

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Cat. C-A-T. Cat.

(ANNOUNCER VOICE) Correct. Very good, Bugs.

Okay, Witch Hazel, your next word is,

"Debris. Debris."

Uh, can you use it in a sentence?

BUGS: When it comes to cheese,

some folks prefer decheddar,

others like debrie.

Debris.

D-- (GROANS)

Debris. D-- (BUZZER SOUNDS)

Sorry, time's up. Bugs, your word is,

"ER."

ER. E-R.

That's not a word. That's an abbreviation!

BUGS: (ANNOUNCER VOICE) Luck of the draw, I guess. Let's move on.

"Rhinoceros."

Wait! Don't use it in a sentence. I know how to spell it.

No, that's not your word.

I meant, look out for that rhinoceros!

(GRUNTS)

Come on, broom, let's get out of here.

(WHISTLES)

(GASPS)

(LAUGHS WICKEDLY)

(WHISTLES)

(YELLS AND GROANS)

Whoa! (BLOWS WHISTLE)

Whoa!

(WHISTLES)

Oh!

(GROANS AND BLOWS PARTY HORN)

(PLAYING INSTRUMENTS)

(GRUNTS) (GROANS)

So long, dearie.

(LAUGHS WICKEDLY) Give me that broom, you nasty witch!

(STRUGGLING)

(BOTH THUD)

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

Look, now you scared him away.

Me? Look at you!

You look like a jalapeno pepper that got run over by a garbage truck.

Flattery won't get you anywhere, rabbit.

Stop trying to steal my broom.

Look, lady, I paid for the broom, and he's mine.

I sold him to you by accident, so he's mine.

Well, why don't we let the broom decide.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Uh, I'll take my dollar back.

All sales are final.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Aw, he's in love.

We can't break up the bride and broom.

Of course not, I bristle at the thought.

Would you look at that.

He really swept her off her feet.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)