Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ASTEROID READING)

Good afternoon and welcome to Literary Classics.

I'm your host, a talking asteroid.

Today's story is called

The Legend of the Burrito Monday

by Mark Kregner.

Book, please.

(GRUNTS)

Luckily, I memorized it.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Our story begins in present day, Chicago, Illinois.

where the greedy old billionaire, Elmer Scrooge,

is counting all his money.

One billion one,

one billion two.

I'm a billionaire. (LAUGHS)

Mr. Scrooge.

Whoa! (GRUNTS, GROANS)

Bugs Cratchit.

How many times have I told you to knock before coming in?

Several times.

Anyhow, here you go.

The latest figures from your billion-dollar business.

Three billion and one dollars?

I was supposed to be three billion and two dollars.

But it's just a dollar.

Maybe to you, it's only a dollar,

but, to me, it's one hundred cents.

I'm taking that dollar from your pay check.

Now finish the rest of this paper work,

and I'll see you tomorrow morning.

But tomorrow is a holiday, sir.

Well, what holiday?

Why it's Burrito Monday, sir.

Who thought that one up?

Some sort of cartoon writer/producer?

Burrito Monday is the day when everyone buys burritos

because they hate Mondays.

You need to celebrate Burrito Monday, sir.

Enough of this nonsense!

You're gonna celebrate Burrito Monday by working.

And don't touch my money.

Burrito Monday, bah.

I've never heard of anything more ridiculous.

PUNKINHEAD: ♪ Deck the halls For Burrito Monday

♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la La tortillas ♪

Season's eatings, sir.

Do you have a dollar to spare for people who can't afford

a decent burrito on Burrito Monday?

No way. I don't celebrate made up holidays,

and I don't like poor people.

Gross!

But it's not made up. It's real.

Yeah, it was on December 9th, 2002.

There was a giant snow storm

in the city of Chicago, Illinois.

CURT: And no one had nothing to eat.

It was the worst Monday in the history of Mondays.

PUNKINHEAD: But, then, at midnight,

a giant burrito done floated over the city,

and everyone took a pinch of it.

CURT: And it filled their bellies with joy.

(BOTH MUNCHING)

Aww, you want to know what would fill me up with joy?

(LOUDLY) If you two would get out of my face!

(WIND WHISTLING)

Those two and their crazy stories.

Elmer Scrooge.

Huh? Oh!

Must be my imagination.

I'm all worked up

because of this Burrito Monday nonsense.

(YAWNS)

A good night's sleep will calm my frazzled nerves.

(SNORING)

Elmer Scrooge.

Who's there? Show yourself.

It is I, the ghost of Yosemite Sam.

Yosemite Sam?

My old business partner? But you passed away years ago.

Of course, I did. I just told you I was a ghost.

I don't believe in ghosts.

Oh, yeah?

How about now?

Boo!

Booga, booga, booga.

All right, all right, I believe in ghosts.

What do you want, Sam?

I've come to give you a warning.

If you don't change your evil, greedy ways,

you will be doomed to walk the Earth

covered in cilantro like me.

(GASPS) I hate cilantro. It tastes like soap.

How do I avoid this terrible fate?

Tonight, you are gonna be visited

by the three spirits of Burrito Monday.

They will show you what you need to do.

(SCREAMS)

(CRASHES)

He's gone. Was that real?

Oh, who am I kidding?

There's no such thing as ghosts.

I'm going back to bed.

(YAWNS)

PORKY: Greetings, Elmer Scrooge.

(SCREAMS, GROANS)

(STUTTERING) I am the Ghost of Burrito Monday Past.

Whose past?

Your past, Scrooge. I'm gonna take you back to your childhood.

To figure out what turned you into such a (STUTTERS) dirty meanie.

I'm not a meanie. Now, get out of house.

- Ow! - You need to worry less about yourself,

and more about others. Now, come along. (BLOWS AIR)

Do you recognize this place?

Why, it's my old house.

And that's my old pet horse, Apple Butter.

Oh, we would eat the days away,

This time, I put extra black beans in mine and what not.

I made mine extra big by using two tortillas.

Elmer, what do you think you're doing?

Oh, uh, we were just, uh, doing our chores.

You were eating Mexican food with that horse again.

He's become too much of a distraction.

He has to go.

Apple Butter!

Goodbye, Elmer, I'll never forget you.

Oh, Apple Butter.

My father took him to the Glue Factory.

He worked for the rest of his life

as the assistant manager of the food court.

I never saw him again.

(CRYING LOUDLY)

I'm sorry,

but I have to take you to your next destin... (STUTTERS)

Your next stop.

-(BLOWS AIR) -(COUGHS)

Hello, Ghost of Burrito Monday Past.

Where did you go?

EERIE VOICE: Whoo, ooh, ooh.

Is that you, Spirit?

What do you want from me?

ASTEROID: Ooh, scary.

And also a good time to take a break and have a spot of tea.

(SLURPING)

-(SHATTERS) -(GRUNTS)

We'll be right back.

Ooh, they started running I gotta go, ta-ta.

Welcome back.

When we last saw Scrooge, he was being confronted

by another spooky ghost.

Let's watch, shall we?

EERIE VOICE: Whoo, ooh, ooh.

Is that you, Spirit?

EERIE VOICE: Whoo, ooh, ooh.

Whoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!

Who are you?

I am the Ghost of Burrito Monday Present.

I don't wanna talk about Burrito Monday.

Don't you mean you don't wanna guac about it?

Well, you don't have to. (SNAPS FINGERS)

Because we're here.

- Where's here? - Bugs Cratchit's house.

BIGFOOT: Come on, guys.

Any minute now, Bugs and actor Sean Astin

will be here with a burrito.

♪ And a burrito in a pantry ♪

Hey, everyone, it's me, actor Sean Astin.

The burrito is here!

ALL: Hurray!

- Oh, it's kinda small. - Yeah.

Well, all I know

is this is the biggest burrito I've ever seen.

Hey, Sean, why don't you do some acting before we eat?

Oh, I don't know.

Yeah, I wanna eat.

All right, you talked me into it.

This is from Shakespeare's Twelfth Night.

(CLEARS THROAT)

"If music be the food of love,

"play..." (COUGHING)

Actor Sean Astin, are you okay?

I'm just weak from lack of food. (COUGHS)

Oh, no, actor Sean Astin looks so ill.

Tell me, Spirit, what will happen to him?

I see an upcoming movie

and no supporting actor to play the lead's best friend.

- Well, I gotta take off. - Now?

I'm the Ghost of Burrito Monday Present.

It's always now.

So long. Whoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!

Wait, I'll raise Bugs' salary.

I'll make it right.

Elmer.

I'm the Ghost of Burrito Monday Future.

Egads! What sort of creature are you?

I'm a Martian.

I'm here to tell you about your future.

Come with me.

Yeah, can you believe the old man finally kicked the bucket?

I thought he'd never pass away.

What happened to all his money?

No one knows.

I suppose he was hoping to take it to the grave with him.

(ALL LAUGHING)

We have to steal all this old dead guy stuff

before they auction it off.

Nice work, Claud.

That ought to be worth something.

- Ooh, I wanna see. -(GROANING)

- Will you... - No. Me!

You guys wanna see stars, I'll show you stars.

(BOTH YELPING)

Does no one care this man is dead?

Enough of this, Spirit! Take me away from here!

(GRUNTS) This is Bugs Cratchit's house.

BUGS: So everyone decided to eat a burrito.

(CRYING) Everyone felt the warmth of this burrito miracle.

Sorry, guys.

It's just, usually actor Sean Astin

tells the story of Burrito Monday

I miss him so much.

(CRYING LOUDLY)

Where is actor Sean Astin?

(GASPS) Is he...

No. Worse.

"To be or not to be."

WOMAN: Can I get a warm up on this coffee?

Of course, right away, ma'am.

He's doing dinner theater?

That's a fate worse than death!

Speaking of which...

Why are we by this open grave?

Wait, I know. It's mine, isn't it?

Well, yeah.

Tell me how I can avoid this fate.

You know how to do it. Now, get in there!

(SCREAMING)

Black beans and hot sauce?

No, please!

No, please!

Huh?

I'm alive! I'm back in my room.

Maybe it's not too late. (GRUNTS)

Hello, boy. Hello, girl. What day is it today?

Why, it's Burrito Monday, sir. (GRUNTS)

I didn't miss it!

Do you know Salsa Sam's restaurant on Third Street?

We do, sir.

You know whether they sold the prize burrito

that was hanging in the window?

- Why, it's hanging there now. -(GRUNTS)

ELMER: Go buy it and take it to Bugs Cratchit's house.

You there! I want to give you something.

Don't move.

(GRUNTS) This is for all the poor people

who can't afford a burrito today.

(LAUGHS)

I think that old man...

...done lost his mind.

I don't understand.

Who would send us a giant burrito?

I don't know, but I ain't complaining.

-(KNOCK ON DOOR) - Come in.

-(THUDS) -(WIND HOWLING)

Cratchit, you're supposed to be at work.

I know, sir. I was just about to leave.

Don't bother.

I'm tired of this behavior.

In fact, I'm so tired of it,

I'm going to have to give you the day off.

What? I did not see this coming.

Happy Burrito Monday, Bugs.

Not only am I gonna raise your salary,

I'm also gonna help your struggling extended family.

It's a Burrito Monday miracle!

No, actor Sean Astin, you're the miracle.

Burrito, bless us everyone.

ALL: And salsa to you.

Happy Burrito Monday to all, and to all a good bite.

(CHOMPING)

Well, that was very silly, wasn't it?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)