Original subtitles

Another chip of the Taj Mahal.

You could have killed me with that.

So, you've been dead for the last five years.

Oh charming, very.

Ever since we've been married you've been.

- Yes? - Lying in state!

Very good, darling, very good, no that's splendid.

No, come on, tell me more, tell me more.

Darling, don't stop now.

We might as well talk about something

as you pack your battle dress.

Anyway, I always think that the last part

of your performance is the best, you know the climax

brings out all the hidden dirt.

There she goes, off in search of golden boy.

At least it'll be nice to nice to meet someone

who treats me, Oh treats me.

Like a woman, that's it, right.

Who says the art of good conversation is dead?

When my wife can come out with great original phrases

like someone who treats me like a woman, like a woman.

Have you got your razor?

Oh, forgive, what were we saying?

No, honestly what you must think of me at a time like this.

I mean, it's quite a moment, isn't it?

It's what they call the crunch, the c-r-u-n-c-h

and there was none.

It seems rather sad doesn't it?

I mean, we had something that was rare in this world,

my darling, we had something that was-

Rotten!

She has done it again.

You have won a major prize in the word game.

But there is a brave new life ahead, is there not.

Aha, yes, tonight among the fat guts and the money bags,

there is an heir of cautious optimism.

Oh brother, they'll treat you like a woman,

they will all be out there in you know, waiting.

# Take my pants for the night is so romantic #

Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please.

Tonight as you know, marks the first international release

of the fastest drawers in the west.

Yes, Scillia, how are you, good holiday?

What, Oh god, I am sorry, Scillia.

Honestly.

Well, of course, I always knew a bit.

Oh, couldn't agree with you more, easily the best thing.

Look, why don't we have a little lunch on,

tonight, you're joking.

No, no, I didn't mean it like.

Look, could you speak up a bit there is all that singing.

Oh, is he.

Well, it is a bit.

All right, Well it'll take about,

well, as soon as I can.

See you.

Oh damn it.

Who was that then, Carey Grant?

John is coming to collect me.

John, now that is quite a switch, isn't it?

Well, we mustn't keep him waiting must we?

What's he got that I couldn't have had

for another 150 guineas a turn.

Oh by the way, my darling.

I know what you're going to say.

Do you, what?

Am I gonna to appear in that lousy show

of yours tomorrow night?

- That's right, darling. - No.

Well, you do what you damn well like,

I mean after tonight, you're on your own.

You wanna bet.

When you do not turn up,

you'll be finished, of course, professionally.

We have something in common after all.

As director of the programme, I shall make my own excuses.

As an excuse for a director,

you should be an expert at that.

Putting on that crap every Sunday.

Oh, thank you, they'll sue, of course.

Of course.

Look it's breach of contract, darling,

it could cost you a fortune,

now that will make a very nasty hole in Granny's nest egg.

Granny's nest egg.

You signed a contract, darling.

So did you, I thee worship, big deal.

I seem to remember there was something about obedience,

now come on, pull yourself together, Scillia.

- Lewis. - Hmm?

Have another drink.

So the next time we meet will be in court.

Fancying bother to me, Paris,

I shall ask for 48 other of fences to be taken

into consideration.

Lewis, here's your jacket.

Hard luck, darling, try the High Street,

you get a much nicer class of person.

Uh, uh.

Now you stay here and I'll step back and lock the car.

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

Oh.

Oh, John, is it all a mess?

Well, it's not Claridge's is it?

No, I don't mean this, I mean everything.

Oh, come on, can't get mourning in this time of night.

It is a bit dark.

Yeah, Bob's gone on an Andy.

Oh, can you manage?

I know these stairs only too well, my darling.

- I have an idea. - What?

Harry's room upstairs.

He's away on a course.

You could easily slip in there for a day or two.

Will it be all right?

Oh yes.

Don't have sheets and things.

Oh, Oh well, it doesn't matter.

Oh, would you like to stay here and me-

No, no, no, it's all right,

if anybody's going up, it's me, come on, up we go.

Oh, oh, I could bother with all that business

until tonight.

A bit late.

Yeah, got a key?

Well, I don't think there's a lock on the door.

Oh.

A roof over your head though.

Oh, Oh, John, you are sweet.

If you would just go down and bring that other case up.

I'll be all right.

Well.

No, no, really, John, I will.

I'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

Does he ever have a bath?

Yes, over there.

It's all right, it's dead.

What a bloody awful place.

Oh I know.

I'm sorry.

Look, I'll stay up here tonight.

No you won't, I will, it'll do me good or something.

Well, I'll phone Lewis in the morning

and tell him you got a fabulous penthouse somewhere,

how about that?

Oh, yes, John do that.

Feel a bit better now?

Yes, I do actually.

I couldn't go any further tonight.

See you in the morning.

Yes, all right, then.

- John? - Mm?

Thanks very much, very much.

Don't thank me, what for?

Well, everything.

Oh anytime, anyhow, anyway, come down when you get up.

Yes, all right, I will.

- Sure you're warm enough? - Yes.

- You want a bottle? - Of what?

- Hot water bottle. - No.

Night night.

Night night.

John, night night!

Good night.

Oh no.

Ah, darn it.

Yes, who's that?

Lewis, well, it's damn late to ring, Lewis,

it's almost two.

Yes, well, I mean, damn it man you know.

There's somebody in!

Hey!

Oh damn.

Of course I'm not taking sides,

and what do you expect this time of night?

Of course, she's all right, I'll tell you about it tomorrow.

I tell you she's all right.

Yes, yes, Lewis.

Sure, she always was one for falling on her feet.

Aye Lewis, Lewis, listen, why don't we all go to bed.

That's crude, Lewis, you know exactly what I mean.

I have no intention of doing that.

Well, call me then if you like.

Okay, I'll see you.

Scillia.

John, John, the door slammed on my coat,

I was trying to get out and I'm stuck.

Put another penny in.

But I only had the one.

Well, I'll go back and get one.

Honestly, Scillia, this is the last straw.

Hurry up, John, it's horrible down here.

Oh John, you were ages.

How did you get into that position.

You must be joking,

you don't think I'm doing this for fun do you?

I do wonder about you.

Have you got the penny?

- Yes. - Well, put it in.

All right here goes.

- Now concentrate. - Concentrate.

I'm frozen to death, let's get you back to bed.

Oi, you two.

Hooray, applause, applause, applause

and what, that's all right, sir I'll tell him.

All right, I'll tell him, okay, bye.

That was very good indeed, that was tres yono darling.

Yes, but you make a movement

other end of table.

- Other end of, yes? - Yes, yes.

No, look, this end table bad, a bad medicine.

This end table good, yes.

It's okay, darling, just moving the sticks over.

- Yes, yes. - Yes.

Hold it, hold it.

But you'll have to come down, darling,

he doesn't understand a word.

He no savvy, right.

Okay relax everyone, Lewis is coming down on the floor.

What's the trouble?

He doesn't understand a word, I've tried other language

and I've tried to tell him, I've tried showing him,

I mean, look at him grinning away like an idiot.

I can't understand why they don't teach him English-

Well, that's very good, I'm very pleased.

There's one or two.

Oh yes, yes, forget about the table, forget the table.

Yes.

- Yes, we'll use the club. - Yes.

- The throw up. - Yes.

Good.

You wait here.

Just do the throw up for me will you?

Just do the throw up for me will you love?

- Throw up, it. - Up.

- Ah. - No, I,

tell him to throw it up, will you?

' UP, you.

Ah.

UP yeah.

I thought I'd seen it all last week

when we had an alsatian on a trampoline.

Where do they come from, I mean, where do they find them?

Lew, Lew, darling, we must get on, we're late already,

now what about Scillia, is she here,

she was called at 9:30, you know?

Forget about her.

Forget, look is she coming or isn't she?

She's gonna be a little late.

Oh what a pickle it all is.

Try that number will you?

Keep ringing it.

Scillia?

Right now, then who else have we got?

What was that old queen casting captured

for 25 guineas last week?

It's slipped my mind, gone, it's gone, it's gone,

I can't remember a thing, not a bloody thing.

Oh no, oh that does it, that does it.

Elijah, I'd forgotten about him.

Well, I think what Sunday mornings used to mean to me

when I was a kid.

Two way family favourites, when I think what I used to do,

10 o'clock on a Sunday morning.

Somebody get me a chair!

Did you sleep at all?

- A bit, I took a pill. - Any good.

- Not bad. - What colour was it?

It was white with a blue bit around the middle.

Oh, I had some of those.

Didn't you find you were a bit tired the next morning?

Yes, then I'd take a green and white one to wake me up.

Honestly, Scillia, you are well-equipped.

I'm not, that's why I have to keep

taking them all the time.

Things will change for the better now, you'll see.

- What time was he called? - 10 a.m.

10 past 11, marvellous, isn't it, bloody marvellous.

The car left the hotel half an hour ago.

Well, well, well.

Can't be far away.

He's here.

# Hey bodiddley hey bodiddley hey bodiddley #

# Hey bodiddley Oh b0 b0 diddley #

# BO b0 diddley b0 b0 did did ley #

There he is my old darling, Lewis.

A big kiss for Lewis McKinsey, how are you today.

Morning Eli.

And there's me darling duchess, how are you today, love'?

You managed to leave from Santos then?

Yeah, yeah, hey didley.

Oh lovely, right.

Get off.

Shall we do the number?

Okay, Eli, darling, look, we must press on,

try and get it in before lunch, okay?

Yeah, Lew, yeah.

# Yeah Lew yeah #

# Yeah Le-Lew yeah #

# Hallelu-yeah hallelu-yeah #

This isn't the number he's gonna do is it?

NO-

# Yeah Lew yeah hallelu-yeah yeah Lew yeah #

# Hallelu-Yeah hallelujah hallelujah #

Shall we do our number.

Can we have the Elijah number on play back please.

Lew, I've got the greatest idea.

I've got the greatest idea ever, Lew.

Shall we do the number?

Now, Lew listen to me I'm gonna let you in right on the ground,

so I've got the greatest idea.

What?

Life-sized puppets.

Very funny.

They're life-sized puppets, Lew,

introducing late night celebrities, it could be...

Yeah, it could be the greatest thing ever, Lew,

it could be on the moon.

Could get them all dressed up in plastic

and oh boy, it could be fantastic, Lew.

I'll tell you something, man, if you get a show like that going,

you could forget all about your ordeals, right?

Yeah, you could have those old dears falling right off of their seats.

Let's do the number.

You're not listening to me, Lew.

It's the greatest thing ever.

Get their names, Kinky and Querky,

oh it's compulsive, isn't it?

It's sick.

Yeah, I knew you'd like it.

Should I put a record on

or is it too early for you?

Please yourself.

Anything you fancy?

Is there a record of just distant gun fire'?

Oh John, you're so sweet to me and I'm such a drag.

- Oh nonsense. - Oh yes, I am.

Do you wanna talk about it?

What was the row about?

I don't know, it just sort of blew up,

Oh it's been coming on for ages.

He kind of absorbed me like a sponge

in that house of ours, ours.

Do you know if I bought anything for it, he used to hide it.

You're bored aren't you?

- No. - Oh yes you are.

No, just trying to help.

Do you want some more coffee?

Yeah, go on, be a devil.

- Scillia? - What?

How much money have you got?

What do you mean, on me?

No, love, put in the bank?

Well, a bit, why?

There's a place here, sounds quite nice in the paper.

A mace?

- Flat. - Oh.

Where is it?

It says fashionable Hammersmith.

I don't fancy it.

I haven't read it out yet.

I still don't fancy it.

I do not fancy it one tiny little bit.

We could go and see it, what fun.

I wanna do something wild and irresponsible

and preposterous, if I do anything at all!

Like what?

Well, I don't know but not Hammersmith.

Lewis' mother comes from Hammersmith!

- Does she? - Yes, she does!

When I was a little girl, I always wanted to be

a lighthouse keeper.

Do they have women lighthouse keepers?

Oh, god, no Scillia, they probably

do in Japan or somewhere like that.

Maybe you should build a lighthouse, an ivory tower.

You're just as bad as Lewis, you're all sending me up.

Well.

Oh what I want to do is something

that is sort of a declaration of independence.

I think you're pushing it.

So do I.

But John, you know me, I could never live

in one of those great modern blocks.

- You're better off. - I'd die.

I'd rather live in a field.

- I believe you would. - I would.

- I believe you would. - I would!

Scillia, once and for all, I don't know anyone

who likes her own governess more than you,

you and your bathroom for instance.

Oh, it'd have to be a field with a bathroom in it.

Spend all your time living in the bathroom.

Actually, a bathroom is the only thing I miss

about that house.

- Are you hungry? - No, are you?

NO-

Should we eat tonight?

Oh, yes, if you've got nothing more important on.

I could always open a tin of something.

No, I think definitely go to a club and cheer you up.

Shall I answer it?

If you do, I'm not in.

Do you think she'll be all right up there?

She always insists on the biggest set.

Who's that rather twanky-

- Elijah Stark. - Who?

Our star.

We couldn't get Sinatra every week.

Eli, Eli!

Just a minute.

There's somebody I want you to meet, come on.

I don't think you've met Elijah,

Elijah, this is Saul Alexander,

head of Light Entertainment.

Oh, give us a chance, give us a chance

that's all I want Saul just a chance.

Good evening.

I hope you find well Saul, he's a genius you know,

a genius.

I think you'll find he receives adequate recompense.

Hey, you don't make any money then, hey, hey, hey.

I think you should go, Saul, it would be best.

Yes, I don't think I'll stay for the transmission.

Have you heard my single, sir,

what did you think of my single, hey?

Very good, good sound.

Yeah, it's number four in the charts

but it's still climbing.

Do you think he's going to be all right?

Don't worry it's his pills working.

Have you told old Saul about our puppets?

No, not yet.

PUPPETS, What puppets.

I mentioned it to the BBC but they reckoned

it was much more your line of country.

Nah.

Yeah, got a great idea for a puppet show,

it's fantastic, it's life size puppet show.

- Lewis. - Scillia?

Nothing, I phoned around everywhere

but we've had it, there's no one that'

step in this late.

What are we left with then?

Some old dear in his 60's who can hardly stand

let along sing.

A balancing act from god knows where

and a sex maniac on top of the bill.

It has a certain old world charm about it.

What exactly happened between you and Scillia last night?

Did you forget your key or something?

It matters damn all what happened,

she's booked to appear.

She doesn't need the money.

She will soon.

Oh, look, you better phone transmachine control,

tell them we're going to under-run.

I already have at lunchtime.

I'm off to the pub.

# Let's take a chance on something #

# Something strange and new #

# The game of love is a gamble #

# But I'll chance a game with you #

# For I'm aware this love affair may be ruined collapse #

# Who knows perhaps it will but still #

# Let's leave the straight and narrow #

# Taking a chance instead #

# Let's run for nowhere #

# Why don't we go where angels fear to tread #

# So if I phrase a few cliches about our new romance #

# But give but give me just a chance #

# Let's take a chance on something #

# Something strange and new #

# The game of love is a gamble #

# But I'll chance a game with you #

# But I'm aware this love affair may very well collapse #

# Who knows perhaps it will but still #

# Let's leave the straight and narrow #

# Taking a chance instead #

# Let's head for nowhere why don't go where #

# Angels fear to tread #

# So if I phrase a few cliches about our new romance #

# Forgive me but give me just a chance #

- Better? - Yes.

- There she is. - Oh my god that's him again.

Now keep calm, let him have a scene.

They're bound to throw him out.

You mean, pour him out.

Where the hell have you been all day, may I ask?

Avoiding you.

I thought I'd find you here slumming around

with pretty boy.

Now Lewis, watch it.

Don't touch me, John, I'm terrified,

I know you're a kind of a street gold medalist.

I do think personal freshness is so important, don't you?

It's a raid.

Has this man been annoying you, madame?

For the last five years.

What a dull bitch you are.

Would you mind leaving the club, sir?

Certainly inspector, only too happy

to help the police in any way I can.

Get out.

You think she'd had done the show, I mean wouldn't you.

Yeah.

What an understanding fellow you are.

If I faint, leave the money on the grill.

Well, that was a charming little performance, I must say.

I say, he's obviously drinking like a fish.

I'll never go back to him now.

God to think I was weakening.

Oh, no, no, never, never, never, ever.

I was just thinking about the rest of my things.

What things?

My clothes and stuff.

You mean, there's more than we had last night?

Oh, masses.

Well, I'm rather tied up this week, otherwise I'd-

Oh don't worry, I'll go down there myself tomorrow.

There's all sorts of bits and pieces,

my transistor radio, he's not getting that.

Oh, I suppose everything happens for the best.

I'll have a bath while I'm there.

Why don't you borrow the car, it's only 20 minutes down the M4.

Oh, yes, thank you.

- Suppose he turns up. - No, he won't do that,

he works on Mondays.

You staying on here a bit?

Well, two or three more nights, if that's all right.

I suppose Harry won't mind.

I'll ask around at work, see if anyone knows of a flat.

I must make a list.

There's my radio, it's in the bathroom, my Polaroid camera,

oh, the Kenwood mixer, that's in the bathroom too.

- Lewis. - Lancet.

Oh Lewis, it's fantastic.

- Oh, you like it? - Mmm.

Come, let me take your coat, shall I?

Thank you.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Good, good.

Well, now then a little drink I think, don't you?

A lovely little drink to do you the world of good,

you know, that cold of yours, it'll build you up.

Some of this, yes?

Oh, just a tiny one Lewis, I had a couple at the club.

- Five. - Five.

Who's counting.

Come here, let me have a look at you.

You know it's inconceivable that I haven't seen you before.

I've been doing the children's programmes in Birmingham

I expect that's why.

We'll soon put a stop to that.

I've signed for another 13.

Oh don't worry about that darling, I'll fix it,

I want you to leave it to me.

You've got to get into the habit of leaving everything to me.

You must trust me.

- What about me? - Just trust me.

You don't live in Birmingham, do you?

No, Fulham.

Well, there you are, you see, I mean,

if you're in my show,

you won't have that nasty whole journey all the time.

- But you mean. - I mean.

Oh good, what do I have to do?

Oh, I'll think of something.

You know, my dear I've always thought of myself

as something of a creative man.

But you are, Lewis.

Ah, now, seeing you there with the light falling

on your delicate head, a lovely sensuous mouth,

makes me think of a great painting.

A Goya, perhaps, a Velasquez, or a Renoir.

Did you bring the cigarettes in from the car?

Hmm?

Cigarettes, did you bring them in?

Oh, no, no, you don't want a cigarette.

No, I was just...

I would like one please.

What?

I would like one.

No, don't, no, no, no, it's all right, it's all, right,

I'll get them.

Oh, it's okay.

Don't, you stay here, help yourself to a drink,

and there's some records on there, I'll be a sec.

Hello, darling, you must be a new one.

He's a remarkable man, isn't he?

You must be a very sweet child to be taking

such an interest in him.

Borrowed time, it's such a sinister phrase I always thing,

but not to worry, we've always made it a family rule,

that one of us should be here with him

so, if you need me, just call.

The specialist has done a remarkable job, really.

Those rubber tubes and little bits of wire.

You'd think he was a healthy man instead of a living corpse.

Here they are.

No, I, no.

- Don't you want? - No thank you.

Ah, you.

Just a minute.

Wait a minute.

What a fantastic place, however did you find it'?

Oh, I've been coming here on and off for ages.

Not many people know about it.

Yes, I can see that.

What's that?

Schnapps-

Gin and tonic please.

Oh, what a day.

Well, how was the bath and everything?

I've done something awful.

Is the car all right, you haven't-

No, of course not.

- I saw Lewis. - Oh that's it,

had another row.

He didn't see me.

He had a woman with him, he brought a woman home.

A bit swift.

I saw them.

What, actually?

No, no, not actually.

What was she like?

Very unpleasant for you.

They didn't see me, I got away.

I thought it was going to be something much worse.

Well, I haven't finished yet.

- There's more? - Yes.

- And? - Well, you see,

I was in such a state when I rushed away, that-

Scillia, is the car all right?

John, forget about the wretched car.

I bought a piece of land.

- Oh my god, how much? - About an acre.

- How much? - That's the deposit.

John, you haven't said anything.

- Thinking. - Don't be angry.

I'm not angry, not my money.

We'll sell it again, I suppose.

What are you going to do with it?

I'm going to build.

I'm going to find an architect who'd do it.

It's got outline building permission the man said.

It was a sweet little man.

Where was I?

He said it with a bit of luck, I could be moving in

in three months time.

- Into what? - Into a-

- A place. - Yeah.

Costs thousands.

Not a big place, John, don't be difficult, darling.

Listen you know lots of architects and clever people

like that, there must be someone who can help.

I know a man called Lebetay, he might.

Is he any good?

- Well, he's a psychiatrist. - Think.

Well, if you had thousands

and you wanted to start at the top,

you can try old Fisher over there.

What does she think she's good on?

Well, I don't know about her but that is Fisher,

one of the great pre-war eccentrics, equestrian, swordsman,

racing driver, architect.

You're making it up.

I'm not. The waiter was his batman, he told me.

Did you say architect?

Oh, I wasn't being serious.

I think we're quite his speed, he's very big time.

He might design something for me.

You're joking.

Mr. Fisher.

- Graft. - Graft.

- Von. - Von.

Fisher?

Graff Von Fisher, I would like

to consult you professionally, of course,

I need your advice.

So.

I would like to make an appointment with you.

I'd like to consult you about my land.

Your land, ze fatherland?

Oh no, not a land, not that sort of land.

It's more of a plot.

Plot, plot, was that man here.

My dear, I've quite enough of plots, quite enough.

Show this gentlemen our papers.

Oh, please let me talk to you.

He will see at 11:25 tomorrow.

Lovely show, darling.

Shut up.

Has it been around yet?

What, coffee? Quarter to 12, you're joking.

Be a dear, will you, try and find me some.

I used to make my other secretary.

We all know that, darling, what we often wondered

was who had custody of the child.

You mustn't believe every letter you see pinned

on the staff notice board.

Why can't we have an electric kettle

like they do at the BBC?

Do I have to look at you doing that?

Lewis McKenzie's office, who's calling?

Jane Fishton.

Sorry, he's just popped out, can I take a message?

We're not casting at the moment

but if you care to send in a photograph.

Very well, I'll tell him.

Get me some coffee, please.

- What like this? - Put a patch

over the other eye.

Oh god.

Oh, I wish I was dead.

Looks like another early night for mister show business.

Tell me something, why is it every woman I know

is a horrible, twisted bitch?

Luck, darling.

If you can't beat them, join them,

I think I'll have the operation.

You could have fooled me, I thought you'd had.

Lewis McKenzie's office.

I'm afraid Mr. McKenzie's in a meeting.

Onto where, Malta, well I'll tell Lewis you called, goodbye.

Malta, per so.

Darling, now that we have the main masses sketched in,

could you do the more delicate brush work in the loo.

It's like sitting opposite

a bloody sign writer eight hours a day.

- Five most. - Five then.

Perhaps you won't have to too much longer.

Tell me you're going, who are you going to work for next?

Holloway, the Military Police?

You're not in the club, are you, oh not that, not you.

Don't worry darling, not another blood test.

I don't think you've got much left anyway.

Saul Alexander was in looking for you,

wants you phone him as soon as you come in.

Well, thank you.

You've taken your time giving me

that bit of news, haven't you?

That's loyalty and devotion, that is.

What does he want?

He's just seen a recording of your last night's show.

"And?"

And he says, geeze.

Lewis McKenzie's office.

- Lewis. - Ah, Saul,

I was just coming up to see you.

Yes, yes, I hear you played back the show.

We'll talk about that upstairs.

You coming?

Yes, you go on, I'll catch you up there.

Just got to...

And somehow I think we're going to have to forego

our usual lunchtime orgy.

Looks like it, sweetie.

If anybody calls I'll tell them you'll be back drunk about three

for the daily ceremony of the laying on of hands.

He'll never do it, even if he does it,

it'll cost thousands.

Enter.

- You wish to build? - Hmm?

- You wish to build! - Yes!

- Where is the site? - Just here sir.

Marked it across.

I'll say.

Look, there's my field.

So much for the site, now for the working drawings.

Here I will build, but what, but what?

Ask him about the money.

- Your husband? - No, a friend.

A friend, ah, but we build for two, yes?

You're like two little birds in the blue, yes?

No, for one, I live alone.

I thought, you live alone?

I do.

But for you I will build, for you I will build.

Smoke out again, smoke go out.

With a bath, a nice bath.

Bath.

- And somewhere to cook. - Kitchen.

And somewhere to hang up my clothes.

A place to entertain with a bath.

- Entertain with a bath. - Yes, a nice bath.

Yeah, yeah.

Windows, windows, windows, towel rail, towel rail.

Floors, floors, round floors out.

# Here here the round is grand. #

- Pardon? - You happy?

Graft, darling, it's marvellous.

Now, I survey it, the drawings will be ready in two days.

Yes, very natural.

Get us our drink, Lewis.

Yes, of course, I'll do anything I can.

Hastings, very wise.

Have her legs swollen up again this time?

Oh that's good.

I'll be with you in a minute, Lewis.

How right you are, Mother.

No, no, it's all right, nothing important.

And Mrs. Earl, no I can't talk about that now.

That'

be the day.

Yes, all right, hello to Flo, bye-bye.

Smoke?

No, thank you Saul.

It says here she then fell from the stool, is that right?

More or less, yeah.

JB's gonna see this, I'm afraid, Lewis.

If you insist on booking these old dears who've been on the trot for years,

I mean, what else do you expect?

It's a wonder they don't fall down more often.

She is a great favourite of JB's

and you know she goes down like a bomb up north.

Best place for the poor old thing.

She's a very great entertainer.

- She's cheap. - That's not the point.

Well, what is the point then?

Why else do you keep lumbering me with these old tots

from the provinces?

Every time casting makes a booking,

I have to check with the obituary columns.

Now, Lewis, I've managed to talk JB into giving you

another chance, now it wasn't easy.

Oh, don't tell me, let me guess, now what delights

are in store for me now?

Or is it gonna be one of those lovely outside broadcast surprises?

We're gonna do a brand new series of spectaculars,

what do you think about that?

It's all right, I suppose.

Now, Lewis, this is difficult for me,

but as head of Light Entertainment,

in this company I like to feel

that we have established a sort of style of our own.

Nevermind.

You won the award, didn't you?

Two years ago.

Now these new shows will be something different.

Now I've made a few notes here, you'll see what I'm driving at.

Now each show will have a big start,

we'll build each show around a big name.

Who, for instance?

Well, I mean someone big.

Okay, if you've got the money.

We've got the money, Lewis, we've got the money,

don't worry about that.

Well, you kept it a secret from me all this time.

These new shows will be different, lavish,

like "Covergirl" all over again.

We'll start each show on film with a star artist arriving

at the studio.

In a Rolls, I suppose.

Marvellous idea, Rolls, yes, yes.

That's the old Lewis McKenzie magic working, Rolls.

We'll win that award yet, you wait and see.

- We. - Yes, now Lewis,

don't take this the wrong way

but it was catch and go up there with JB this morning,

he wanted you to go now.

It was only by suggesting that I sit in

on this show with you, that you're still here.

It won't work, Saul.

Now, don't be like that, Lewis, wait until you hear some of these ideas.

Now the finale, a wartime medley.

- Wartime. - Yes,

all the old songs, "Old 504, "When the Lights Go on Again,".

"The White Cliffs of Dover."

"Hang Out your Washing on the Siegfried Line."

Marvellous idea, "Hang Out your Washing"

on the Siegfried Line," yes, yes, I can see

it all search lights in the background,

washing hanging on the barbed wire,

sound of marching men, yes, yes.

This will knock them for six at mantra.

You can say that again.

Have you tried Lilly Marlena?

Is she free'?

She'd do it for me.

She's free, she'd do it for anybody.

- Good afternoon, ma'am. - Good afternoon.

If you would be so kind.

Oh yes.

Thank you, madam, most kind of you.

You do not appear to actually have an appointment, madam.

Oh I didn't know you had to have...

Oh, nevermind, nevermind.

As it so happens, I can fit you in.

We're showing a mixed collection down here at the moment.

In the spring as you as you doubtless know,

we start the series of one man shows.

I'm sure you will find something to amuse you, nevertheless.

Really?

A lifetime of trouble-free drainage, delicious isn't it?

A symphony in enamel, cast-iron, of course.

Just a moment.

- This is the one. - How right you are, madame.

Full suite, of course.

Now, camera three picks him up

at the top of the stairs,

we go down with him and as he turns,

we mix to camera two and as he walks forward,

we pull back and camera-

Oh no!

I am so clumsy, I am sorry.

Oh, you poor thing, you sure you're not burnt?

Just a little bit on my hand, fortunately the coffees never hot.

Well, it's a good thing more than a little went on me.

On my model and my trousers.

I said I was sorry, Lewis.

Just look at these trousers, they're soaking.

These have just come back from the cleaners.

Would you mind leaving the room?

I have seen it all before.

Oh, thank you miss world.

What can I say, Lewis, I'll tell you what,

charge it on the petty cash, put it onto the show,

unofficially, on me.

Already done it, just sign it and I might just catch her

before she closes.

Next time try and spill some on his sweater,

he's been wearing it for the past three weeks.

What a curious woman.

- Oh, same old trouble. - What?

Not getting enough of it.

Isn't she?

She fancies you, you know.

Oh, Oh, come now.

It stands out a mile.

Really?

How are things between yourself and Heather?

Who the hell is Heather?

Your wife, Heather.

Oh, Scillia, you mean, Scillia.

Scillia, yes, Scillia.

Nonexistence, I think that's the word.

Oh, stupid isn't it, bloody stupid.

Absolutely stupid.

You fancy a drink over the road.

Yes, uh, no, you go on, I'll catch you up,

I'll just make a couple of quick calls.

I'll wait for you if you'd like.

No, you go on.

Well, don't do anything I wouldn't do, as they say.

Here you are, seven pounds.

Face is familiar, I can't recall a marriage.

Stupid, isn't it?

If you don't phone her, then, for Christ's sake, I will.

One day.

- Is he still? - Still.

Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.

Hello.

Well, why don't you come and stay with us?

Oh, that's very sweet of you

but I think we'll be moving a few weeks.

Are you sure, we have lots of room.

No, no, I think I'll stick it out.

What do you do about you and Lewis,

when did it all happen?

Two months ago.

And you've been living above John ever since?

Yes.

- What's the frat like? - So, so.

- Any news of Lewis? - No.

- Any talk of a divorce yet? - No.

Perhaps, he's having you followed.

Well, that would be a thankless task,

I've gone right off it.

Oh, darling, it seems a terrible waste.

- Yes. - What about Lewis?

Your guess is as good as mine.

- Do you ever hear? - Hazel saw him

walking down High Street the other day

and she said he looked very ill.

He was very pale and drawn.

Well, darling, Hazel sees everybody like that.

Yep.

Of course, he always did drink, quite a lot.

Do you think so?

John says he needs complete rest.

- Who does, John? - No, Lewis.

He'd phoned him up a couple of times at the office

but he wasn't there.

Well, darling if he's not there,

where could he be?

- In the clinic. - What clinic?

You know, in a curious sort of way,

he was quite dependent on me.

Yes, darling, in a curious sort of way,

I suppose he was.

Oh, dear, Carol, you're so understanding.

Ah, but then of course you've been through it yourself,

so many times.

# Last night ain't that just like a woman #

# I'll never figure what makes them act this way #

# Yet my love for them grows much bigger everyday #

# I know I'll have to share #

# With all those other guys #

# There isn't one who's fair #

# Although it seems unwise #

# She's got me where she wants me #

# With one look of those eyes #

# Ain't that just like a woman #

You're the last person I expected to see here.

Yes.

I'm sorry about all that.

- What will you have, scotch? - I'm all right, tomato juice.

- Oh, well, how's everything? - Fine.

- You? - Very 900d.

You seem to be doing very well, nice deficit?

Yeah, not bad.

- Is? - No, not tonight.

Just thought I'd ask.

- Of course. - How is she?

Oh splendid, I see her on and off you know.

Yes, quite.

She has got in- Oh no, nothing like that.

- No. - No.

- If I were too, you think? - Probably.

- You think? - Yes.

Shall I ask her down one night?

Down, Oh no, hell not here.

Dinner, then break the ice?

Well, I'd prefer to hide behind the crowd.

Well, how about a nice little party, your place?

' My Mace.

What a very good idea, I haven't been to a good mixer

for weeks.

- Your place. - My place?

Much better, Oh, I hate my place.

I just had the floor done.

Well, we must all be very careful, mustn't we?

Yes, we damn well must, no raiders.

Now not a word to Scillia and it's all on me, all right?

I wouldn't dream of it, split it then.

- Saturday it is then. - Saturday.

Okay, if I bring Saul and Ellen, you like them don't you?

Passionately.

Oh...

You know, he's fifteen and a half he dresses in overalls,

and he sings folk songs about all the women

he's been to bed with.

Well, he must have something.

Very good at miming.

Oh well, that's what it is, you see.

He went into the Congo to look for this tribe

and when he come back ripe with disease,

he found they were all living in one house up Ladbroke Grove.

So, he chucked a tin of Kit-E-Kat on the bed and said to the girls father.

She should have tried to bribe somebody

in the college of cardinals.

Oh no, she got a special compensation from the pope.

- Dispensation. - No, compensation,

she had a cheque through the post.

Do you, um, do much swimming in the nude?

All the time darling.

Yeah, where?

Streatham Baths.

Have you been hanging around divorce courts recently?

Oh yes, you know it was so much hurried

than when we got married.

While we waited, Mark fell to his knees.

Oh how is he, is he still working as a railway farmer?

Yes, worries me a bit sometimes.

A waste of the double first.

Yes, you see they're going around to diesels.

She was like a dying flame.

I go down big all over the country,

I could have done some great jobs, great gigs, I've done,

I've been down the south coast, I've done Walton-on-the-Naze

I've done Frinton, I done Roehampton.

Do you know what happened with Gloria?

Was she that girl who crashed her Mini as Ascot?

Forget all about that mate, listen to this.

It's a fab RnB song, I wrote it meself. Right count me in.

One, two, three.

# I've got love for you baby #

# I've got love for you yeah #

Oh it's lovely.

Oh no, I had to be,

and you still don't have a following

- like the Beatles? - Of course they have.

- Who? - Hitler.

- John, John. - Lewis.

- Hello. - How are you?

No worse.

My god, I look awful.

Isn't it great, hello.

What are you doing?

Little... take it off.

- No, stop it. - Come on.

Oh come on, be a sport.

- Take it off. - Oh stop it!

Listen, my husband's downstairs!

Oh, you are all the same.

Oh, was that?

- No, when? - What?

Oh sorry, excuse me.

Come on.

There, stop it!

Stop it, stop it!

Lewis.

Look, that is my wife!

Lewis, Lewis.

Hey, hey, come off him, come off him!

Leave him alone.

Kill him-

Lewis, be careful.

Oh darling!

Oh, Lewis.

Oh, Lewis.

- Lewis. - Hmm?

Zip me Up-

- Come on. - Go.

Lewis!

- We're going home. - No, I don't think so.

You must be joking.

# I know I'll have to share with all those other guys #

# There isn't one who's fairer #

# And although it seems unwise #

# She's got me where she wants #

# With one look at those eyes #

# Ain't that just like a woman #