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Jeez, Gina. I can smell your perfume from the top of the stairs.

I'm not wearing any perfume.

The bottle said "unisex."

How are you this morning?

I don't know. I'm a little frustrated about my career.

I came here a couple months ago with goals, and I haven't achieved any.

-Like what? -I haven't been on a magazine cover.

I haven't been nominated for an award.

I haven't been on even one best-dressed list. What's up with that?

You were in People magazine last month.

Unidentified male next to Nicole Kidman.

Something good better happen for me soon.

I wanna feel like I made the right decision moving here.

Joey, why don't you do something about it?

Call your agent. Light a fire under her.

-Oh, let me do it. I will rip her a new-- -No, no.

I'll do it. But you're right. Yeah. I should call her. I need work.

Not being on TV is even starting to affect my love life.

-No. -Yeah.

Last night I went out to meet a girl, you know, for sex.

I realized when I moved here, I lost a big part of my rap.

I'm no longer Joey Tribbiani, star of Days of Our Lives.

-Lines like that actually work? -Well, not as good as your man perfume.

Now that I don't have that, things are harder.

I gotta say, I hate to delight in this. . .

... but it's kind of nice that for once you're having a problem with women.

Hey, Joey.

-Thanks for a fun night. -Oh, yeah.

You take care.

I said it was hard. I didn't say it was impossible.

Well, he's just walking in right now.

I'll tell him.

Great news, Joey. I just got you the lead in an industrial safety video.

What? No, no, no. I don't wanna do any more stuff like that.

Look, Bobbie, I came to L.A. to take the next step in my career.

And I feel like I'm taking a step back.

You got me doing these lame auditions, lousy commercials. . .

. . .that mystery theater thing at Ted Danson's house.

I need things to change now.

Now there's the fiery Latin heartthrob that I took a chance on.

I'm not Latin. I'm Italian.

Italian?

Oh, no.

Italians are out this year.

It may be time for you to call in your boy-band connections.

-I wasn't in a boy band. -I can't catch a break.

Bobbie, you gotta do whatever it takes to get me something.

And something good.

Otherwise, I'm gonna go out and find someone else who will.

Okay, look. Just give me one more chance.

I will find you something.

There's gonna be no more celebrity parties.

No more cheesy commercials.

Oh, when you get home, just delete the message about emceeing the dog show.

All right. Okay. That's more like it. Is there anything I can do on my end?

Yeah. It'd be great if you had some connections.

Who have you met in this business who's powerful?

I mean, someone who loves you, someone you trust.

Just you, I guess.

You sweet thing. Come here.

Oh, God, I could slap a diaper on you and nurse you right now.

-Hey, Joey. -Hey, Alex. What's going on here?

Oh, I'm hosting an alumni event for Northwestern University.

No, no, I meant there's no mustard for the pigs in the blanket.

Where's your head at, girl?

-I'll take care of it. -Hey, hey, Alex.

That guy looks familiar, but I can't place him.

Usually when I feel that. . .

... it's someone I slept with, but I don't think it's that.

He's a movie producer.

Hey, can you introduce me? I need to make some Hollywood connections.

Oh, yeah, sure. Hey, Steve, come here.

This is my friend, Joey Tribbiani. He's an actor.

He moved here a couple months ago.

-Hey. Steve Carpenter. Nice to meet you. -You too.

Excuse me. There's a girl in there I hated in college. . .

... and I'm now more successful than.

So, Joey, you don't look familiar. Are you a Wildcat?

Well, I don't like to brag about it, but I do okay.

Go ahead and brag. We're all proud we went to Northwestern. Go, Wildcats!

-I thought you meant-- -You should audition for me sometime.

-Really? -Yeah. We like to look out for our own.

They call us the Northwestern Mafia.

We got alumni at every studio, network and major talent agency in this town.

Then I am really glad I went there. Go, Wildcats!

Say, what year did you graduate? Wait, let me guess. Ninety-one.

Producer or awesome year-guesser?

Now, who do I know that was '91 ?

Lance Beckman. You know Lance?

-Is he here? -No.

I was in his wedding.

If you're new in town, I should introduce you. . .

. . .to the rest of the Northwestern Mafia.

I don't think anyone else here is from '91 .

Oh, darn. That would've been a fun situation.

Okay.

Hey, guys, this is Joey. Joey, this is Dave.

He's an executive at Universal.

-Mark's in television. -Hey.

And Paul is a feature director.

Yeah, Joey's a class of '91 .

-Oh, yeah? What dorm were you in? -Well, a different one every night. . .

. . .if you know what I mean, right?

-So, what'd you study? -Not much of anything, I'm afraid.

Fight song time. Shall we?

Spread far the fame of our fair name Go Northwestern win that game

And then we'll-- Okay.

-Hey. -Hey.

Where'd you get the Northwestern shirt?

At an organizational meeting for next year's homecoming.

-Hello. -Joey, I did it.

I got you a huge audition for tomorrow.

That was fast. What happened?

Well, apparently, your friend from Northwestern called the producer.

And then the producer called me and offered you the audition.

And I said okay.

That's great. Okay, well, what's it for?

It's a sexy new nighttime drama set in a mountain resort.

It's called Deep Powder.

It's Baywatch on skis.

And it's the dumbest script I ever read.

It's gonna be huge.

-All right. -Yeah, /'m gonna have my assistant...

. . .fax you the audition scene as soon as I get off the phone.

Great, Bobbie, thanks a lot. Bye-bye.

-What was that about? -I got a huge audition for tomorrow.

-That's great. For what? -Yeah, it's a sexy nighttime drama...

-. . .set at a ski resort. -That sounds fantastic.

Oh, my God. It's not on against JAG, is it?

I don't know when it's gonna be on. But this is definitely a part I can get.

Yeah. And it's all because I told that guy I went to Northwestern.

Lying is awesome.

I can't wait to see the script. Bobbie's gonna fax it over right now.

Hello? Stop calling here! Damn it.

Every time I'm expecting an important fax, this jerk prank calls me.

-What does he say? -Nothing. He makes this annoying sound.

-Did you go to Northwestern? -Why, yes, I did.

Well, I graduated from Purdue three years ago.

So?

-We're rival schools. -Oh, yeah. Hate you.

-Joey Tribbiani. -Katie Harper.

Yeah, listen. I got this audition now, but maybe we can. . .

. . .get together some time and get to the bottom of this rivalry.

-Maybe we can. -Yeah.

Well, hey, you should give me a call sometime.

-You have your number on a card? -I do this a lot.

But also, you are very special.

Hi, I'm Joey Tribbiani.

I'm here to audition for the role of Langdon Powder. . .

. . .the sexy young snowboarder with the secret past.

I don't wanna tell you to cancel the rest of your session. . .

. . .but I was born to play this role.

You're not reading for Langdon.

You're reading for Langdon's dad.

Langdon's dad? But I'm young and sexy.

I'm not some old, gray-haired guy in a dumb-looking sweater.

Hey, how you doing, buddy? Good luck on the audition.

-Hey. -Hey. How did the audition go?

I did the stupidest thing I've ever done.

Come on, honey. Now, we both know that is not true.

Did they find out you didn't go to Northwestern?

It's not that. I spent all this time...

. . .preparing for the wrong role. You know?

They wouldn't even let me audition. I would've been so great at it.

If thrashing's a crime, lock me up. I don't wanna live in a world...

... where I can't thrash to the extreme.

-That is great. -I know.

-So did you audition for the right part? -No. It was for the father.

I'm not old enough to play the father of a teenager.

-I had a teenager when I was your age. -That's different.

How?

Look, I don't have time to pretend your life is okay. I have a problem.

Joey, they called you in.

I mean, you should just audition for the dad.

Yeah, but I don't know if I can pull it off.

I have these heavy scenes with my kids in the show.

-I don't know how to do that. -This isn't a role you're used to...

... but you can't give up because you're afraid to fail.

And I don't think you're gonna fail.

Really?

I hate doing this to your face. You gonna make me compliment you?

-I need it. -Turn around.

I've seen everything you've done, and you're a great actor.

And I know you can play a dad. . .

... because I've seen the way you are with Michael. . .

... and you're like a father to him.

Thanks, Gina.

Come here. Give me a hug.

God, you're such a girl.

I've been meaning to make a contribution but it keeps slipping my mind.

Well, yes, of course. I treasure my Northwestern experience.

And I treasure mine.

Now, if you're willing to pledge $ 1 000--

Joey. What are you doing?

Excuse me one second.

Ma'am, can I call you back in a few minutes? I'm not able to speak freely.

It's me.

If you can hear this, wave your hand.

Why are you calling me from my alumni association?

I didn't know it was you. The sheet says Alexis Garret.

That's my full name.

Sexy.

Joey, why are you pretending like you went to Northwestern?

Because your friend Steve thought I went there, and he got me an audition.

Now he's asking me to do all this alumni stuff. I can't say no.

-But you're lying. -Alex.

Isn't doing whatever it takes to achieve your dreams. . .

-... what Northwestern's all about? -No.

Then what is it about? I have to speak at an alumni dinner.

Oh, my God.

-Hey. -Hey, Howie.

-What are you doing? -I got a big audition.

So I'm just going over my lines.

Can I help? I have acting experience. I was one of the Honeycomb kids.

Sure, okay. You have the first line.

Did you have lines in those commercials?

No, I did not.

Michael, listen, I'm leaving for my audition in a few minutes.

-Will you run through the lines with me? -Sure. Yeah.

What's the scene about?

I'm being overprotective of my daughter. . .

. . .because her mom died in an avalanche that I may or may not have caused.

There's a speech where I curse the elements:

Damn you, mountain. Bring her back.

So I'm the daughter? All right. Do I have to read it. . .

-. . .with a high, girly voice? -No.

-May I? -No.

All right. So--

I can do it now. I want another shot.

-That's okay. Michael's already doing it. -Can I be his understudy?

-Sure. -Great.

-Hi, Daddy. -How are you doing?

Is something the matter?

Why won't you let me go to Hayley's sleepover party?

A blizzard is coming. You could get snowed in.

You don't have to worry about me so much. Look at me. I'm a big girl now.

I can see that.

I bet your friends think it's lame...

. . .that your old man wants to hold on to you so tight.

If I had functional tear ducts, I'd be crying right now.

Really? Was I good?

Actually, I got a very strong dad vibe from you.

Thanks, Michael. I got a strong little-girl vibe from you.

All right. Thanks, you guys.

I'm gonna get this part. I gotta go pick up your mom.

She's coming with me for moral support.

All right. Wish me luck.

Hi, I'm Thomas Wheeler. I'm here for my Northwestern alumni interview.

The producer I met at Alex's asked me to interview this kid as a personal favor.

I completely forgot.

How are we gonna get out of this?

Hey. Sorry about that. Come on in.

Oh. Thank you, sir. I brought a copy of my high school transcript. . .

. . .and a recommendation letter from--

I'm in a time crunch here, but you seem like a fine young man.

I'm giving you my full recommendation.

What about my questions? What about the English department?

Is there a strong pre-law program?

college isn't all about academics, Thomas.

So why don't you hang out here and have a good time.

That's our motto at Northwestern.

I thought it was Quaecumque Sunt Vera.

No, no, we changed it.

Okay. You go over your lines. I will take care of the competition.

Hi. You reading for the role of dad? Yeah. You like Jäger?

-Hey, Katie. -Hey, Joey. It's good to see you again.

I was thinking about you. There's a Northwestern-Purdue game on Saturday.

-You wanna come over? -You read my mind.

-You like football? -No.

Neither do I.

Okay, I'll talk to you after my audition.

Okay, thanks for your patience, everyone.

We're gonna start reading now.

Oh, ma'am, I'm sorry...

... but we're not reading for the part of Angry Prostitute till tomorrow.

Oh, I'm not an actress. But thank you.

Okay, Joey, we're ready for you now.

And I'd like to introduce you to Katie Harper.

You're gonna be reading with her.

-The scene is me and my daughter. -That's right. We cast her in the part.

We're gonna see if you two have chemistry.

I think we might.

You can do this. She's your daughter.

And you're going to jail.

Whenever you're ready.

Hi, Daddy.

How you doing?

I mean, how are you doing? Is everything all right?

Why won't you let me go to Hayley's sleepover party?

Because there's a blizzard coming. You could get snowed in.

You don't have to worry about me so much anymore.

I mean, look at me. I'm a big girl now.

I can see that.

I bet your friends think it's pretty lame that your old man...

. . .wants to hold on to you so tight.

Yeah, I like it when you do that.

You're my special little girl.

-I love you, Daddy. -And I love you too.

Now come give Daddy a kiss.

Okay, thank you.

Please, never have a daughter.

-Hey, how'd it go? -Terrible.

Why does my daughter have to be so hot?

I told you I couldn't play a dad. Come on.

No, no, no. You go back in there and try it again.

I can't. I am too turned on by that girl.

Joey, you are an actor. Act.

-But I can't stop thinking about sex. -You wanna stop thinking about sex?

What are you doing? That's disgusting. You're my sister.

That is your daughter. That is worse.

Now, you go back in there and you ask if you can try again.

Okay. Yeah, you're right. Thanks.

-Hey. -Hey. How'd it go?

Well, Joey sucked the first time, but then l--

Your mother helped me in a totally normal way.

So you feel like it went pretty well, right?

Wait a minute. What's that look on your face? You know something?

What's the best news I could give you?

They fixed the vending machine?

We got a Ping-Pong table!

Oh, no. Kool and the Gang got back together?

Okay. I'm gonna have to try this a different way.

You are Langdon Powder's dad.

Who?

-You got the part. -I got the-- I got the part!

-I did it. Hey, I did it! -Congratulations.

Congratulations. Oh, Joey, I'm so proud of you.

Okay. But that's the last one.

-Hey, Joey. -Hey, Steve.

-How'd that audition go? -Great.

Thanks so much for setting that up. I got the part.

-All right. Go, Wildcats. -Yeah, but not Purdue. We hate them.

Yeah. Hey, wait a minute. I'm here with your buddy.

Lance, come here. You gotta see who this is.

Hey. It's me, Lance Beckman.

Joey. I was in your wedding.

No, you weren't.

Okay, look, Steve. I have something I have to tell you.

This man is not Lance Beckman.

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