Original subtitles

Hello?

Oh, hey, Janet.

Yeah, we got our tickets.

Yeah, we can't wait to see you either.

Uh, ok. It's your mom.

She wants to know if we still like corn chex.

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, that's a green light on the corn chex.

Ok. Bye-bye, hon.

Ok, that's the 14th call about our trip.

You know my mom. She just wants it to be great for us down there.

No, I know. I love your mom.

I just wish she didn't have to work so hard

when we come there.

Hey, maybe this time we can take the burden off her

and stay in a hotel or something.

A hotel. Interesting.

Isn't it?

Yeah. You know what else we could do?

We could smack her in the face with a shovel.

Would you just think of it for a moment?

I mean, we'd see your parents just as much during the day,

get in all that family goodness,

and then at night we'd stay in a hotel.

We have a little privacy,

you know, without all their stuff

that makes us a little crazy. Heh.

Uh, what-what stuff?

Doug, come on. Like-

like the fact that we can't leave the house after 8:00

because they set the alarm

and it's too complicated to teach us a 4-digit code.

Followed by "pound."

And once that red light is on,

we are stuck there!

Do you know in prison, they call that lockdown?

So now staying at my parents' is like prison?

No, because in prison

you could actually flush the toilet past 8:30.

They're light sleepers, ok?

And by the way, I'm not quite sure prison

is the paradise you think it is.

All right, take your mother's feelings out of this for a second.

This is about you.

You're saying you would actually rather stay

in your parents' retirement complex

than in a beautiful room

stocked with liquor and dirty movies?

No!

But we can't stay in a hotel.

Ok? We just can't!

Look, Doug-ok, look,

your mom will be upset for a minute, ok,

but then she'll get over it,

and we're adults here! We're in our thirties.

We're allowed to do this.

It's like that time you finally realized

you can have cookies before dinner.

You told me I couldn't have cookies before dinner.

You can't, ok?

I'm just saying your parents aren't the ones

who are stopping you.

Ok, you know what? My head is spinning.

If I go get a cookie right now, what's gonna happen to me?

Doug...

Please, honey, let's just do this this one time, ok?

We set the precedent.

We never have to have this conversation again.

I will dial the number for you, ok?

Your fingers don't even have to touch the buttons.

Please? Come on, honey.

Come on. I'm calling.

All right, all right. Let's do it.

She'll be fine, I promise.

Hey, mom.

Uh, look, Carrie and I were talking,

and we need to tell you something.

Uh, we've...

Kind of turned against the corn chex.

You know what skill I realized I have?

I can tell who's doing the voice-over

on any commercial.

And I'm not talkin' James Earl Jones for verizon.

All right? That's kid stuff.

I'm talkin' Lisa kudrow for aquafina.

Yeah, it's her.

You wanna talk skills?

I can always tell whether a dog is a girl or a boy.

You mean, without looking underneath?

Yeah, see, that's what makes it a skill.

See, otherwise, it's just looking.

Wow, I really missed these conversations

when we were separated.

What's her problem? She ain't got no skills?

She's just mad

'cause I'm making her go skiing for a vacation.

Oh, it's too damn cold.

Hey, when are you guys going on vacation?

Next week. He's dragging me up to some lodge in Vermont.

Yeah, it's gonna be great.

Fun for us and fun for them

to see what black people look like.

Um, Doug, come with me to the salad bar.

What?

Come with me to the salad bar.

Uh, I don't eat the salad when it's brought to me.

Definitely not makin' a special trip for it.

They have a taco section.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Ok, where-where's the taco section?

Listen, I lied, ok?

You lied? Ok, I'm a person.

Doug, listen to me. Deacon and Kelly

are going on vacation the same time as us.

So? So if we talk them into going

to Florida with us instead,

we can't stay at your parents' house.

They don't have enough room for us!

We have to stay in a hotel!

You see? That way, your parents are not offended,

and we set our precedent,

and everybody's happy!

Oh, my God, they're looking.

Get some salad, get some salad.

Ok, but Deacon and Kelly aren't gonna change their vacation

just so we don't have to stay at my parents'.

I know. We don't tell them that part.

We just say, "you know, we haven't all gone away together"

since you guys got back together,"

how it's all about the foursome,

blah, blah, blah.

Kelly doesn't wanna go to Vermont anyway.

She'll be all over this!

This could work.

Hey, what are you doing?

I- I don't know. I panicked. I went all baby corn.

All right, put some dressing on, put some dressing on!

Ok. All right, let's do this.

But don't sit too close to me, 'cause I'm gonna accidentally knock this on the floor.

Ok. Come on.

So, look at us,

all four of us together.

This is great. This is great.

I wonder what else we could do?

You see? I told you this would work out.

I guess your mother didn't take us

staying at the hotel too hard, huh?

I said, "huh?"

Oh, my God!

I tried to tell her. I couldn't!

There they are!

Hi, kids! Hi! Hey!

Ohh! Hi!

Hi, how you doin', dad? Nice to see you.

Hi, sweetheart. Hi.

You kids look great!

Don't they look great, Joe?

Why aren't you standing under the chute

where the bags come out? What?

Now we'll be stuck at the other end

of the carousel in Siberia!

Get comfortable, people.

We're gonna be here all day.

We're not gonna be here all day.

No, we're not, because I'm gonna shimmy my way under the chute.

Doug, you see one of those sittin' around, grab it.

I'm not coughing up 2 bucks

for a glorified shopping cart.

You kids must be tired.

We'll go home, we'll have lunch,

and then you can take a nice nap.

Oh, by the way, good news.

Costco was willing to swap the corn chex

for the rice chex even-Stevens.

Whew! Crisis averted!

Yeah! Yeah.

Isn't that your friend Deacon?

Who? Which one?

Right there, next to Kelly.

I don't know what you're sayin'.

I really don't.

Um, here's the thing:

Yeah, we, uh-

we all decided to go on vacation together.

We know you don't have the room for all four of us,

so we're just gonna stay at a hotel.

No big whoop.

Oh.

You look so pretty.

Well, that was the worst car ride ever.

What? I don't think your mother took it that bad.

She refused to put on her seat belt.

She said, "what's the point?"

Ok, she was a little rattled,

but she'll get over it, ok?

Honey, come on. Please just remember why we're doing this.

I mean, look around.

We are in a hotel room

in Florida. Ok?

I mean, look at this. Look.

We got a TV that swivels...

And some painting of some...

Mystical dolphins...

And when we get bored lookin' at that,

we can go downstairs

and have a little drink at cap'n Toby's.

Actually, I saw that they let you

throw your peanut shells on the ground.

I've always wanted to try that.

You see? Now you're thinkin', honey!

Ok. So what do you wanna do first?

Anything. Just name it.

Anything? Anything.

You'd watch a movie starring the rock with me?

I would love to.

Hey! Hello. Hey.

Nice hotel you picked.

Uh, the air-conditioning in our room?

Not working.

Oh, well, maybe you should call downstairs-

and get another room? Yeah, already tried that.

They're all booked.

You know where you don't need air-conditioning?

Vermont.

I'm sure sometimes you need air-conditioning in Vermont.

Yeah, I think you do. I think he's just exaggerating.

All right, honey, come on.

You pick a little snack from the mini-bar,

and let's watch the rock

be a neurosurgeon who saves the president.

Spring break 2004 is on!

All right, here's how this works, people.

I call your school, you pound a beer

and scream like hell! Are we ready?

I can't hear you!

That's crazy. How can he not hear that?

I'll just turn it up a little bit.

There you go.

Michigan state!

University of Maryland!

Ok, well,

there's 9.95 I'll never see again.

Yeah?

You know where kids don't go for spring break?

Vermont.

University of Texas!

Honey, come on. It's not that bad.

Look at it this way. We have our own disco in the room!

Huh? Come on!

Shake that thing, baby!

I don't really- do it for me, for me!

You know I love it! You know I love it!

Come on, do it for me!

Do it for me, do it for me!

Come on, shake it! Shake that thing!

Shake that thing! Shake that thing!

Yeah! Yeah!

I don't wanna, I don't wanna!

I- you know, I wanna relax.

You wanna relax? Ok, how 'bout this?

How 'bout this? We just freshen up a little bit,

we go downstairs, we tip one back with cap'n Toby?

Come on, let's freshen up. Come on.

All right.

What happened?

There's a bat in there. What?!

There is a bat in the bathroom!

No!

I'm sorry. Did you say no?

Doug, how can there be a bat in the bathroom?

It's probably just a moth or something.

Ay-yi-yi.

Ok, um,

there's a bat in the bathroom...

And he's a big 'un.

Let's not panic, let's not panic.

I will just call downstairs,

and we will just get this taken care of right away.

Yeah, hi. Um...

We have a bat in our bathroom.

No, it-

no, I'm sure you get a lot of prank phone calls

from the spring breakers,

but I'm serious. We really-

okey-doke.

What did they say?

He told me to have another Heineken,

and he hung up on me.

This is ridiculous. I'm going in there myself.

What are you gonna do with the hair spray?

I'm gonna spray him, ok?

Maybe it'll kill him.

Maybe it'll just freeze his wings out like that.

Wait, wait, wait!

Take these. Wear these for protection.

Now the bat's gonna think I'm Elton John.

Look, just wear them, please!

Did you get him?

I got him angry.

Piedmont college! Ohh.

Will somebody please shake that thing

and get it over with?!

So how are things at your hotel?

There was a goat swimming in the pool this morning.

Doug's really enjoying that mini-bar, aren't you, honey?

What did you end up settling on? M&ms?

What are you doing eatin' from the mini-bar?

You can buy m&ms at walgreen's

for a third of the price!

I think I have some chocolate chips in the kitchen.

I could put some in a baggie for you.

Oh, that's ok. Thank you.

All right.

You know, Kelly, darling, if you're tired,

you could take a nap in the guest room.

Somebody might as well use it.

Your parents have a guest room?

What are you doing at the hotel? Save yourselves.

Hell, no, if we have to suffer,

they have to suffer, too.

Don't worry. We're not staying here.

All right, whatever. Deac, here.

Help me clear.

You know, maybe we should move out of the hotel and stay here.

No! I don't want to.

Well, I kind of do.

Uh, Doug,

let's remember why we're doing this. Ok?

We are setting a precedent

to stay in a hotel.

No one said it was gonna be easy.

You did.

You said as long as we got Deacon and Kelly to come down with us,

we'd be home free.

What I just heard

did not make me happy.

Oh, 'cause you're taking it completely out of context.

You invited us down here just so you wouldn't have to spend time

with your in-laws?

No. We invited you here

because we are a foursome.

Yeah, see, that's funny, 'cause what I heard

was that I'm not skiing down a Mountain

of freshly packed snow with the wind in my face

because you wanted to set a precedent.

And because we're a foursome!

Why does nobody remember this?!

Kids, should I make something for lunch,

or have you made other arrangements for that, too?

You-you know what, Mrs. heffernan?

If that guest room is still available,

we'd love to use it tonight.

That would be wonderful!

You've made me very, very happy.

Well...

Brunch was nice.

Now, you ready for a little dessert?

'Cause I'm gonna get on you like hot fudge.

What is wrong with you, ok?

There's a bat in our bathroom!

And there's gonna be some lovin' in the bedroom.

Stop it, ok?!

Have you noticed anything that's gone on here?!

I mean, my mother hates us.

Our best friends hate us.

This trip has turned evil!

Ok, and for what? What's it all for?

For the precedent? Ohh!

Would you stop with that precedent!

I'm not even entirely sure what it means.

It means sweet freedom!

Oh, my God, are you really telling me

you can't spend 3 days with my parents?

Let me fill you in on something.

I live every second of my life

with an old man who gets cereal

by digging his ape-like hands right into the box!

All right, you don't need to bring my father into this, ok?

Oh, don't I?

This is a man who canceled our cable

because they wouldn't pay him every time they ran the movie Arthur!

Come on, he's not that bad, Doug. I mean-

no, you know what? That's it.

What-what are you doing?

I'm packing. We're staying at my parents' house

like we should've in the first place.

No, Doug, we can't! Deacon and Kelly

are staying in their guest bedroom anyway!

That's all right. You know what? We'll sleep on the floor,

or we'll sleep in the bed with my parents.

God, my mother would love that.

So, you got your water,

and here are some extra pillows,

and I put some tangerines in your room.

Now, they told me at the market that they were seedless,

so if they're not, I wanna know about it.

Everything's great. Thank you.

We'll see you in the morning.

Good night. How are you two doin'?

Great. Good.

I'm so happy you're here.

I love you both.

System armed.

Remember, don't open any doors or windows.

Okey-doke.

It's still a little light out.

It's bedtime.

What are you doing? I have to pee.

Remember, don't flush.

Oh, come on.

Carrie, it's almost 9:15.

Just...

Pee in the tub.

I am not going to pee in the tub, ok?

I begged you to go after dinner!

I didn't have to go then!

Well, then, you know what, you lost your chance!

Fine. I'll hold it.

No, I can't hold it. I gotta go, I gotta go.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa. Wait a second!

Look, the rec center down the hall

is open till 10:00, all right?

They got a beautiful bathroom.

What? Doug, we can't open the door.

The frickin' alarm is on!

I may know the code.

What?

I heard my parents talking,

and I'm pretty sure it's my birthday.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Let's go! Open the door!

But you go out, you do your business, you come back.

No one has to know. Fine!

All right.

My birthday's, uh,

February 9, 1965.

What are you doing? I'm loosening up my fingers!

All right, come on.

Ok...

That's, uh, 2...

Wait a second. That is my birthday, right?

Doug, you don't know your birthday?

I blanked out. Excuse me!

Ok, come on.

2... 9... 6... 5...

Pound.

System disarmed.

Honey, I love you!

I love you, too. Pee like the wind.

All right, all right.

Intruder detected.

Oh, my God! What's going on?! I did it right!

Is everybody ok?!

What happened?!

I saw the alarm switch off!

I hit the panic button! There's somebody in here!

Ma-

there's nobody in here, all right?

I punched in the code.

Why would you do that?!

Oh, great. Now I gotta pay $25.

Everyone all right in here?

Should I call the real cops?

Loo-no.

Everything's fine, ok? It was an accident.

Why would you fiddle with the alarm?!

You know it's very complicated!

You know where they don't fiddle with the alarm?

All right, people, it's after 9:00.

Back to bed. Let's go.

I just wanted to stay in a hotel.

I got the food.

You know, with the a.C. Working,

I'm not hatin' being back here.

Kell?

Ok, girls, time to get those t-shirts wet!

Kelly?

Woman, put a damn towel around yourself!