Original subtitles

Hey. Hey, babe.

Ugh. I gotta learn to put a few more minutes

between toothbrushing and orange juice.

Now, don't forget, we have that show at the art gallery tonight.

Oh, God.

Come on, you can keep yourself busy

by looking for paintings with boobies.

Oh, yeah, like boobies in paintings are a real turn-on.

They got like one boobie here, a boobie on her head... it's crazy.

All right, look, here's the address,

go straight from work, the gallery's in soho.

It's in an old meat-packing warehouse.

Ok, so they took out beef and moved in art.

I have nothing more to say to you.

God, this is brutal.

I can't believe Carrie's making me do this.

Hey, thanks for coming with me, man.

Thanks for rescuing me from Kelly's American idol party.

Man, Denise would've loved this.

This is the first gallery opening I've been to since...

Since she dumped you?

She didn't dump me, ok?

We parted at her request.

Why don't you just chill out and get some wine?

Where the hell is Carrie?

What's the matter?

Nothing. I just got a little museum head.

Oh, uh, go ahead, take it.

No, no. Go ahead.

I heard it's a zinfandel, so no big loss.

Well, according to my wine enthusiasts' club,

zinfandel is the new Merlot.

You're kidding, right?

What's next? We start chilling chiantis?

Oh, my God, no.

What?

See that girl over there?

That's Trish flintoff.

I dated her, like, 10 years ago.

Yeah, and what happened?

Oh, the way I ended things, I was-

what you call in the business. - a "jackass."

You know what? Pull in here, man.

Guy, take it easy, man. You've been married for, like, 8 years.

I know, you know, but I cannot be seen by her, ok?

She's on my "top 3 most most awkward people to run into" list.

Right after this friend of my dad's, who taught me to wrestle.

Sorry about that, guys.

I just got asked out on a date.

Good for you, man. Where is she?

Uh, it's that guy over there. By the way,

if you like sheep's milk, do not miss the cheese table.

Ok, it's not what you think, all right?

After this whole thing with Denise,

it's nice to have someone who's into me again.

What's wrong with that?

Well, I could think of 2 things,

and they rhyme with schmesticles.

Calm down. It's just dinner and a movie.

Wait. You said yes?

Yeah. He's a nice guy.

We have a lot in common, and I gotta eat.

What's your end game here?

We go out, he makes me feel desirable again,

and then when he makes his move, I go,

"ooh, sorry, buddy. I'm sweet on ladykind...

But I'm very touched."

I'm sure you will be.

I don't know why I tell you guys anything.

Oh, good. There's Carrie. Let's go.

Ok.

Oh, Carrie, too close to she who hates me.

My God, they touched!

They touched! They're talking!

Do something. Create a distraction.

What do you want me to do?

I don't know. Moonwalk.

Oh, she likes her purse. Get the hell out of there.

Wow, they're really hitting it off.

Stop it. Stop talking.

Stop talking.

Oh, no. They're coming over here.

Hell. I'm in hell.

Honey, hi.

I want you to meet somebody. Trish, this is my husband Doug.

Doug, this is Trish.

Hi, Doug.

I owe you a phone call.

I'm just saying, do you have to have lunch with her?

Doug, you went out with her 10 years ago

and we hit it off and she works for saks

and she's gonna take me to the friends and family sale next week.

Look, I am begging you to let this go.

Doug, could you just explain to me

what happened that was so terrible

that I can't even have a meal with her?

I- I'll tell you, but I just want you to remember

I'm still the same ol' Doug who can make you laugh

with only his belly button.

Would you just tell me what happened?

Well, we went out a couple times

and I realized it wasn't going anywhere long-term,

so I may have bought concert tickets

for a tour that was 6 months in the future

to make her think I was serious

so that she would sleep with me.

That's really jerky, but-

there's more.

Ah, after we finally hooked up,

I may have climbed out of her bedroom window

with $20 that I may have taken off her dresser for cab fare.

Ok, that's horrendously jerky. - a little more.

A little more.

The next day, she called my answering machine and left this crazy message.

And she may have caught me playing it

for a bunch of my buddies for our general amusement.

Oh, my God, Doug. You're a monster!

What could've possibly possessed you to act that way?

Was she so awful?

I don't know.

She said the word "literally" a lot.

What?

Yeah. It's literally the best muffin I ever had.

Oh, it's literally the funniest show I ever saw.

Aagg. Yeah. Aagg.

I know, what a bitch. I wish she were dead.

I'm not proud of what I did, ok? I feel terrible.

That's why I'm asking you to drop this.

No, I can't drop this, ok?

On behalf of all women, I think I owe it to her to have lunch,

and we're having lobster that you're paying for.

Fine, but... whatever bad stuff she says about me,

just remember this.

Ah, that was literally

the most annoying waiter I've ever had.

Ohh. He was all over us.

Do you know he actually tried to fill my iced tea

as I was drinking it. It's unprecedented.

I know. Crazy.

All right. You know, I'm gonna run upstairs.

Could you throw this in the fridge? Sure.

Hey, Doug.

I guess there's a little outlet there.

There's an outlet there. Hey.

So how was lunch? A little midday lady chow, huh?

It was great. We had a wonderful time.

Yeah, you know what I always say about a good lunch.

Just like a good dinner.

Only earlier and...

Often a sandwich, as opposed to a platter.

Doug, it's ok. It's ok.

I'm over what happened between us.

You are? Yeah.

I'm not gonna say it didn't hurt me,

but, um, it was a long time ago

and I've lost the weight. The weight?

Yeah. I put on about 100 pounds after you dumped me.

All right. Ok.

I lost the weight. I kicked the amphetamines,

which, incidentally, I took to lose the weight, and I've moved on.

Hey, at least you had a fun time eating your way up that hundred pounds.

I've lost the use of one kidney.

Been there.

Look, Trish, I, uh, I never officially apologized to you. You know, I-i...

I acted like a real jerk. Especially about that whole answering machine thing.

It's, uh, it's fine. I officially accept your apology.

And, um, you did set me back about a year or so dating-wise,

but, hey, as long as I have a baby by 45, I'm all right.

And besides, Carrie's a wonderful woman,

so something very good came out of this.

That is good. Yeah, it is.

Hey, so did the leftovers make it to the refrigerator,

or did this one swallow everything, including the foil?

Oh, you're funny.

No. They're ok for now.

I should probably take off.

Oh, ok. I'll walk you out.

All right.

So, we still on for that saks sale on Saturday?

Oh, my God, yes, we are.

Ok, I'll call you.

Ok, bye-bye. Bye.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Well, this is great. You guys are friends,

and I don't have to feel guilty. It's all good.

Oh, my God, I can't stand her.

What?

Doug, lunch was torture.

I mean, you are right. There is something about her-

the needy thing, the "literally" thing.

When she ordered a souffle that was gonna take a half hour at lunch,

I almost drove a fork through my hands.

After the saks sale is over, I'm telling you, she's toast.

You're just gonna use her to get what you want and then throw her away?

Yeah.

You... can't do that, Carrie.

That's exactly what I did with her!

And you were right to do it. She's unbearable.

You should've stolen $80 from her dresser.

I cannot be part of this again.

You can't dump her after saks.

Doug, she gets a 40% employee discount

on already marked down items, ok?

I haven't shopped in 3 months. This is saks.

There's a reason why winona stole from there.

Their stuff is gorgeous.

This is so bad. This is so bad.

Carrie, look, all right, look, ok.

If you're gonna do it,

you can't dump her the same way I did, all right?

You gotta let her down easy.

You gotta see her a couple times after the sale.

You know, then you know what?

You get busy, she gets busy,

nobody has to get hurt.

All right, how many times?

5. Absolutely no.

All right, 3.

Ok, but I'm only seeing her, literally, 3 times, Doug, ok?

Oh, my God. I caught it.

Ok, this one's $80 off.

59 off. 30 off.

Oh, yeah.

105 off. Ohh!

For a total savings of nearly $300.

So where do you wanna go for lunch?

I could literally eat anything.

Actually, I gotta go.

Oh, come on, get 'im, get 'im, get 'im! Get 'im,

yes! Oh! It's a fumble.

Fumble! There you go!

Do you guys think I look good in blue?

Excuse me?

Specifically, that blue turtleneck I have. You know the one.

No. I really don't.

But I'll tell you, in terms of turtlenecks,

you probably look enough like a turtle already.

Thanks. Thanks a lot. What's your problem? Is it this guy again?

Yes! We've been out 4 times,

and he hasn't made his move yet.

This is way better than the game.

I mean, this is supposed to be making me feel better about myself.

And it's just making me feel worse, so what's the point?

Maybe he's just playing hard to get.

I hope so. I don't know.

I... oh, I gotta go. He's picking me up at 8:00,

and I gotta do something with my hair.

I should split, too.

All right, I'll see you guys later.

All right, man. Have a good one.

Oh, hi, Carrie. It's Trish.

Um, I don't know if you got my other messages,

I left, like, 4, but I haven't talked to you

in literally ages since that saks sale.

I miss you. Um, anyway, I hope we're still on

for that Hugh grant movie tonight.

I need my Carrie fix.

So, I guess if I don't hear from you,

we should just meet at the fairway at 9:00. Ok, so, ok, ok, bye.

Hey, honey.

Hey. What are you up to?

Oh, I just stopped at that falafel place.

I don't know why I keep having falafel. I kinda hate it.

What do you got planned for tonight?

Nothing. Why?

'Cause Trish just called. You're supposed to meet her at the movies.

You haven't called her since saks, have you?

No. I-I've, um-

you-you-you-you know what?

We had a deal. You were supposed to see her 3 more times.

You want her to gain that hundred pounds back?

No. Well, you know what?

If you don't meet her at the movies,

she can gain 10 of them tonight on popcorn and little ice cream balls.

You're going.

No. I'm not going to the movies.

Oh, yes, you are.

Doug, listen to me.

I am not going to the movies tonight, ok?

Life is too short to spend listening to Trish flintoff

go on and on about how she misses me so much

when we only met last week.

Now, I know you feel guilty about her,

but I feel nothing.

Hey, trishy.

Hey, Doug. Where's Carrie?

Oh, um, she couldn't make it.

She got sick and a family emergency.

Sounds like she's got a lot going on.

Yeah. She-she felt bad that she couldn't be here.

Actually, she wanted to say hi to you.

Oh! Yay!

Hold on a second.

Here we go.

Hello.

Hey, sweetie. I'm at the movies with Trish.

What?

I knew you weren't going jogging.

Yeah. Anyway, I was just telling her how sorry you were

that you couldn't be here tonight and that you wanted to say hi to her.

No, no, Doug. Don't put her on.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no-

hi! Hi, Trish!

Hi. I feel like I haven't talked to you in literally forever.

Uh-huh.

Doug said you had a family emergency.

What? Oh, uh, yeah. I'm ok. I'm ok.

It's just hard when, you know, your family has... an emergency.

You know, but we're pulling through. We're pulling through.

Can I speak to Doug real quick?

Sure. Thanks.

Ok. You take care of yourself.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye.

Ahem. What's up?

Literally forever?

I mean, does she know that's just not possible?

What's that? You wanna invite her to dinner at our house Saturday night?

Oh! No.

That sounds like a great idea. I'll ask her.

Doug, you better stop this,

or I swear I will kill you in your sleep.

7:00 sounds really good. Ok. I'll talk to you later, sweetie. Bye-bye.

She invited you to our house Saturday night for dinner.

Ooh, Saturday night. I've been bumped up to the "a" list.

Yeah.

It's, uh, chilly in here, isn't it?

A little.

Brr. Ha ha.

The, uh, seats are real comfy though.

You can just snuggle right in.

Yeah, they're all right.

What are you doing?

What?

I don't know what you think is going on here,

but I'm not gay.

Well, neither am I.

Then why did you try to put your arm around me?

My girlfriend dumped me. It's a very confusing time.

I'm sorry. I thought we were just friends.

Maybe it's better if I just head out.

Fine! Leave like they all do.

Wow, these are really good.

Oh, thank you.

Every time I get invited to somebody's house for dinner,

I gotta make empanadas.

I learned how in Argentina.

Have you ever been?

No.

Oh, you have to go. It's so wonderful.

Yeah, I don't really have a lot of money to travel right now.

Go on the Internet. They have really cheap tickets.

Yeah, I know, but it's still kinda hard to get-

yeah. No, go to Argentina.

Ok. Ok. Ok.

Hey, car, how are we doing on those drinks?

They're coming!

Eggrolls in the house. Oh, and good news.

Chef ming had the baby.

Ha ha. Brian.

Hol, what are you doing here?

Carrie invited me over.

Did she?

Well, let me just drop this off here.

What the hell is going on? Are you trying to palm Trish off on holly?

No. Holly dropped by, and I invited her to stay for dinner.

I like people, Doug.

Carrie, I can't do this anymore.

Here's your 30 bucks back.

You're paying her?

I told you, Doug. I couldn't do this, ok?

Life is too short.

I know. And now I think I have to go to Argentina.

All right, you know what?

I'm just gonna end this, ok?

I'm just gonna go out there and tell Trish

that she says "literally" too much,

and I'm gonna give this lovely Chinese food as a parting gift.

No. Wait, wait, wait, wait a second.

Look, I started this whole thing.

I should end it like a man.

I owe her that much.

Ok. Holly, you wanna see my new clothes?

Sure. Ok.

Hi.

There you are.

I thought you literally got lost

on your way back from the kitchen.

Ha ha ha ha.

Ah, Trish, you...

Are an incredible person.

Thank you.

You really are, you know.

You're fun. You're a great empanada maker.

And you're a great friend...

For someone who's not Carrie.

What?

Carrie doesn't really think it's in the cards

for you two to be friends.

It's not you, you know.

Sometimes the chemistry is not right.

And I think it would probably be best

if we all just kinda, you know, moved on.

Please don't start eating.

Well, uh, that's actually the most mature way

anyone has ever handled this kind of thing with me.

Really?

Yeah, um, I'm not happy.

But I got a great friend in holly out of it, so...

Well, there you go.

I think I'm just gonna take off.

So, will you say good-bye to them for me?

Definitely, yeah.

Thanks.

I really appreciate your honesty. It meant a lot to me.

Oh, no problem. My pleasure, you know.

Life's a long road, and we all stop for gas, you know.

Is she gone?

Yeah.

Carrie, you can come down now.

Is it done?

Yeah, it's done.

Oh, God, Doug, come on, honey, look on the bright side.

This way she'll be forced to take a good hard look at herself

and come up with a better personality.

Ok, you know what? Enough.

She's a nice person.

Hah. Seriously, Doug, come on.

She's a freak show. Yeah. I have to agree.

She's not.

Seriously. Really.

Have you listened to the messages she left me? Listen.

Don't. Yeah.

So, I haven't heard from you in a while.

Did I do something to annoy you?

I was thinking perhaps I hurt your feelings

when I said I didn't like step aerobics.

Don't misunderstand me. It is a good workout.

What is she talking about?

Listen. And this one.

Hey, car. Did you just call me?

'Cause my phone rang and I couldn't find the receiver.

It was actually just in my kitchen-oh.

You have never seen my apartment.

You have to see my apartment.

Ok. Anyway, tag, you're it. Call me.

I mean, really.

All right, all right.

Thank you, holly.

She said literally. I gotta be literally...

Right. Sure. Ok, I get it. I know. She is a bit-

I forgot my empanada dish.

That's gonna be one big girl.

Put on a life jacket.

Excuse me. Are those empanadas?

Yeah.

They are literally my favorite food.

I have a whole basket.

Oh. Can I have one?

No.