Original subtitles

Hey, do you know where the scissors are?

Doug, we have lived in this house for 9 years, ok?

The scissors have always been in the same place,

and yet you continue to ask me where they are.

Not to mention the spatula,

the pot holders, the pens.

Well, I'll tell you something, honey.

I have been a tour guide in my own kitchen long enough.

Too many precious moments have been wasted

showing you where things are!

Just learn! Learn!

I mean, what if I died?

How would you flip a pancake?

How would you. - how would you ever cut anything ever again?

Would you just sit here weeping

and soiling yourself until somebody came in to help you?

No, you wouldn't. You would...

Remember where something is.

Yeah. So come on, honey. Please.

Just this once.

Find where the scissors are.

Find 'em. Go ahead, baby.

Go get 'em.

Go ahead.

I got 'em. You got 'em.

You got 'em. Now, was that so hard?

Not really, no. Ok.

What do you need now?

Tape.

Well, hey, major, whatcha got there?

I made you a Valentine, aunt Carrie.

Oh, that is so sweet...

And out of my jury summons.

Ok. I will put it right here

next to my snowflake mortgage payment.

What's that?

This is coffee, baby.

I want some. Coffee! Coffee!

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, baby.

No, no, no. This is a grown-up drink,

just like the big vodka I'm gonna have

after your parents pick you up.

Doug. He has my lipstick again.

I told you to hide those.

I do, but he finds them.

Hey, whatcha-whatcha got there, kirb?

Apricot shimmer.

Ok.

Do you think it's pretty?

I think it's, uh,

pretty great as a missile

on our battleship.

Look at that. Fire one!

Blood, guts, death.

Man things.

Hey, y'all. Hey.

Boys behave themselves?

Oh, yeah. They were fine.

Bubblegum went right into the carpet.

Anyway, it's ok.

He didn't try to put on lipstick again, did he?

In his defense, it is pretty.

Listen, we really appreciate

you guys taking the boys again.

Yeah, I'll tell you.

Having some alone time once a week

has been huge for me and kel.

Oh, please. We're happy to help out.

Yeah, plus, once a week,

we get to be the kind of family

that you usually only see on TV.

Do that thing I taught you.

What you talking about, Douglas?

The kid's a machine.

We really owe you guys. Yeah.

Darling, I need to borrow some bronzing cream,

an overnight bag, and a major credit card.

What for, dad?

That's my personal business!

Ok. You want to help us out?

Take that guy off our hands once in a while.

Got to throw you a big fat "no" on that one.

Thanks again, you guys.

Bye!

Night. Bye-bye.

What are you doing?

Apparently, somebody didn't like his macaroni and cheese,

so he hid it in the change jar.

Actually, I think that was your dad. I saw him in that area.

Oy.

Uh, speaking of your dad,

I was thinking about what you said before to Deacon and Kelly.

What?

That thing about maybe them taking him off our hands once in a while.

I was kidding.

I know you were kidding, but...

Think about it for a second.

I mean, we watch Kirby and major all the time, right?

They're children.

So? We don't have any children.

We have a crazy old man.

I mean, why does society

say that baby-sitting is normal,

but old-people-sitting, that's taboo?

Huh.

See what I'm saying?

I never thought of it that way before,

but you may be on to something here, butch.

Thank you.

I mean, how different is my father from a child, anyway?

I mean, he acts out.

He screams when he doesn't get his way.

When it thunders, he climbs into bed with us.

You know something?

We deserve some alone time

just as much as Deacon and Kelly.

Our marriage isn't perfect, either.

Far from it.

I mean, sometimes I wake up

and I just wanna run away from you.

I feel the same way!

Of course you do!

And you know what? It's not just about

us baby-sitting major and Kirby.

I mean, what about all the other things?

The-the birthday parties

and all the school plays we had to suffer through.

Meanwhile, have Deacon and Kelly

ever been to one of Arthur's things?

No!

When he got his swimming certificate-

and how about when he was in that senior center production of cats?

Where were they? Too busy.

Ooh, that was rough.

Remember when that one cat broke her hip during memories?

Ok. The point is we present Deacon and Kelly

with a very reasonable request, and what do we get back?

Gotta throw you a big fat "no" on that one.

Yeah! I'll tell you one thing.

This is happening, friend.

Oh, I know it's happening.

You don't have to tell me it's happening, friend!

We're not mad at each other here, right?

No. Good.

'Cause I got a little lost there for a second.

Ok. They just pulled up.

Ok. It's showtime.

Dad? Could you come up here for a minute?

All right, kids. Come on. Parents are here.

Doug, help them get packed up. Ok. You know what, kirb?

Why don't you get g.I. Joe out of that blouse and back into his khakis?

Time for dinner?

Uh, not exactly.

It's just you haven't fed me since breakfast,

and I'm starting to hear a low-pitched hum.

You will be eating in no time.

Hey. How you doing?

How was your afternoon?

You get some good alone time in?

It was great. We spent the whole day

at the modern museum of art.

Ouch.

So, uh, where you headed now?

We're gonna take the kids to this new Italian place.

Oh, you know, that's right. Kirby mentioned that.

You know who loves Italian food?

Arthur, you love Italian food, don't you?

I'd eat anything at this point.

Just end this experiment.

Hey! Crazy idea.

You love Italian food.

You're going to an Italian restaurant.

Maybe Deacon and Kelly can give you a lift.

Heck. While you're there,

why don't you guys just sit together,

ok? Would ya, could ya?

What- what can I say?

Sounds like a thumbs up to me.

Ok. Well, have a good time.

Here you go. Glad this worked out.

Go on, dad. Have a good time.

Go ahead. Skedoodle.

And you behave yourself.

I want a good report on you.

Ha ha ha.

Oh, kel, one second.

Here are his pills and his doctor's number

and a list of foods he can't eat.

Don't let him order anything spicy.

Thanks.

Ok. Tub's ready.

Sweet.

We got the house to ourselves.

Time to get a little clean...

And a little dirty.

So, uh, who should, uh, get in first?

Um, I'm thinking you.

All right.

All right. Come on in.

Well, all righty.

Ok. This is nice.

Yeah.

All right. Let's get down to business.

Wait wait. Wait. You gotta-

watch your knee, honey.

Ok. Sorry.

That's the hot water! Turn it off!

Would you hurry up?!

Ok! I'm not used to using my foot as a hand!

That's the wrong way!

I know that now!

It's scalding me!

Save yourself!

So, after we eat, what's on tap?

A jazz club?

Amateur night at the Apollo?

Again, miniature golf.

Wonderful.

I think we're ready to order.

Ok. What can I get you folks?

The boys will have ravioli,

and I would love a house salad

and a spinach lasagna.

Same for me. How about you, Arthur?

I think I'll try the spicy sausage with peppers.

Uh, Arthur...

What's the matter?

Well, Carrie said he's not supposed to have anything spicy.

Oh. Hey, why don't you order something else?

Very well.

I will have...

The spicy sausage with peppers.

Arthur.

Well, it was worth a try.

Seriously, uh,

bring me the spicy sausage with peppers, will you?

Would you stop?

I'm a grown man!

Why can't I have what I want?

Because you can't!

You know, instead of giving me grief,

I would think you would be more upset

about why we have been seated next to the kitchen!

Is it because we're black?!

Just get what you want.

Thank you.

How's the spicy sausage with peppers?

How's his stomach... Et cetera?

I can't believe they let him have spicy food.

Are you ok?

Talk to me, baby.

Carrie, I saw things down there

that no man should ever see.

I know. I know. You just gotta put it out of your mind.

I can't.

Can I have some more milk of magnesia?

I'm starting to percolate again.

Bringing it right down, dad.

No!

I will not let my daughter see me like this.

Send Douglas.

Hey, come on in.

Hey. I know it's pretty short notice

to dump the kids on you again,

but these Beyonce tickets just fell into our lap.

Nothing like a Beyonce concert

to keep a marriage strong.

We do the same thing with monster truck rallies.

Hey, thanks for taking my dad off our hands

on Saturday night.

Oh, don't be silly. We had a great time. Right, babe?

He's something.

Yeah, the only thing is, and maybe you guys just forgot,

uh, but you let him have spicy food,

and, well, we were up with him all night.

Yeah. Um...

We told him that he couldn't have it,

and, you know, he made a big scene and started yelling, so-

so... you just let him yell.

Didn't really wanna do that in a crowded restaurant.

And I could understand that, kell,

um, I do.

But it's just that when major and Kirby

are yelling for stuff, which they do a lot,

um, we can also just forget the rules

and say, "sure, you can use that drill to play dentist,"

but we don't.

You know what?

Next time he yells,

just give him a piece of Taffy.

That'll buy you 45 minutes.

Next time?

Yeah. We're taking your kids this time,

next time, you take Arthur.

Right.

It is right.

You know what? We should probably go

if we're gonna make that show, so-

ok.

You two take it easy.

We'll see you in a few hours.

Be good.

All right, I'm gonna get the burgers going,

and you guys just pick out a video, ok?

Ok. Ok.

Did you catch the attitude coming from them?

Hard to miss.

You know what I think?

I don't think they just let my dad

have spicy food because he was yelling.

They wanted him to have it.

They figured they'd make it so tough on us

that we wouldn't ask them to take Arthur again.

Right! And meanwhile, we're so good with their kids.

We're freakin' great.

Aunt Carrie? What is it now?

Can I have some mayonnaise on my hamburger?

Yes, you can have mayonnaise on your hamburger.

Can we have coffee, too?

No, sweetie. Remember I told you-

coffee! Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! Coffee!

Ok. Go get me your sippy cups. Hurry up.

All right! All right.

Settle down.

What is it with you guys?

Aunt Carrie gave us coffee.

Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! Coffee!

Here you go.

What does "caliente" mean?

It means "delicious."

Hmm.

"And then, eyes widening in horror,

"he saw the word redrum

"reflecting dimly from the glass dome

"now reflected twice.

"And he saw that it spelled murder.

Danny torrance screamed in wretched terror."

Aah!

Look what they bought me at radio shack!

Are we gonna do anything tonight?

Oh, yeah. We're gonna do something.

Just don't know what yet, babe.

But it will be good.

All right. So, what do you got?

Wanna do the coffee thing again?

Ok. That is so 2 weeks ago.

Douglas! Did you borrow my argyle socks?

No.

Your feet are 8 sizes bigger than mine.

I can't believe they bought him a megaphone.

Well, when we sent them home with that ferret,

we knew they'd come back at us pretty hard.

Oh, man. This thing's getting crazy.

Maybe we should just be the bigger couple

and stop asking them to take Arthur.

What?!

And give up our alone time?

Honey, are you really enjoying it that much?

It is what it is, you know,

but that's not the point!

Ok? There is a principle here.

We can't just give up when we know we're right.

Update on the socks.

They were in the dryer the whole time.

All right, if we're gonna keep doing this,

then we gotta go for a knockout punch.

Ok? Something they can't get up from.

Ok.

I'll get it.

Hey! How's it going?

We're here for our children.

Hi, mom. Hi, dad.

Hi, baby.

Hey, bud. How you doin'?

You doin' all right? Cool. All right.

Um... where's your brother?

I don't know. Kirby? I think he scampered upstairs.

We haven't seen him in a while.

Kirby? Kirby?

Kirby?! Kirby!

Check the bedroom!

Right by the makeup.

Oh, my God! He looks like Liza minelli!

I think we all know why we're here.

I think we do.

This whole thing has gotten way out of hand,

and it's hurting the people we love.

Well, look, we didn't mean to hurt anybody,

but you guys started it

when you gave my dad spicy food.

And you ended it by giving my kid an extreme makeover.

The point is you're the kids' godparents

and they love spending time with you,

so we wanna work this out.

We wanna work it out, too,

but it has to work out for all of us.

I agree.

So we have come up

with what we think is a very reasonable proposal.

Lay it on us.

You keep taking the kids,

we stop taking Arthur,

but... when the four of us go out,

we pick up 2 out of every 3 checks.

And that beanbag chair in our place that Doug likes,

it's all yours.

That chair was leaking beans last time I saw it.

I'll patch it up.

No. This has to be about you taking Arthur.

Yeah, and just as much as we take the kids.

That's ridiculous.

Ridiculous?

You guys have a good evening.

Wait. Take it easy. Take it easy. Come on.

Sit down.

All right, we'll take Arthur,

but it can't be as much as you take the kids.

It's just too weird.

Well, how often? How many times a month?

Ok.

Oh, come on. It was just an opening figure.

It's a one with a question mark.

All right.

Maybe we can take him 2 or 3 times a month,

but he's just so crazy.

I don't know why he's so crazy when you get him.

He does take his blue pill at 6:00 every day.

Well, it ain't doin' the job.

Ok, look. How about this?

If we take him, you gotta give him

more than one pill.

Well, how many more are we talking here?

That many? That'll kill him!

We don't know that.

How about we bump it up to 2?

And a shot of cough syrup.

Done.

So we're back in the best friends business?

I think so.

I'm glad we got this over with,

'cause you two fight ghetto.

You started with the-

just so you know,

we are very aware you're talking about us,

and we don't appreciate it.

To show my displeasure,

I've polished off a full platter

of the spicy garlic shrimp.

You've got 12 minutes.

Hey, you guys. Hey, honey, Doug and Carrie are here.

How was the movie?

Great. How'd things go with my dad? Oh, great.

Here's the little fella.

He fell asleep during scarface.

Aw.

Ok. We'll just put him in his pajamas when we get home.