Original subtitles

Oh. Come on, get in there.

Uhh!

A little short.

Aw! Nothing but pocket.

On top of the key. Fade away.

What are you doing?

Just playing a little spoonerball.

In the pocket is one point,

between the glasses and face-2 points,

and in the mouth, that's your 3-pointer.

And choking him to death, how does that factor in?

10-point bonus.

Come on. Give it a shot. Give it a shot.

No. I'm not gonna throw food at my father.

What about that chicken leg last week?

Ah, excuse me,

he threw peas at me first.

Come on. Let's see what you got.

Ok, maybe just one.

Ok.

Ok, one more.

One more. All right.

Ahh. No. You gotta- you gotta arc it.

Keep your elbows in, like that, just arc it.

There ya go.

Come on. Open up, like that.

Almost. Ok, ok.

Ok. Oh!

Come on.

So I wasn't dreaming.

Marvelous.

Wait a second.

Where are the Dutch hookers?

Voil�.

You didn't tell me we were having cake.

Yeah. I don't tell you about cake early in the day anymore.

It paralyzes you.

Does not. Oh, come on.

Remember last time you were so distracted you rear-ended a school bus?

Ok, that was pie, so don't rewrite history.

Ahh! This milk couldn't be warmer.

Yeah. The fridge is acting up again.

That's as cold as it's gonna get.

Hey! Come on, man!

I want to see if it's cold.

She just poured it out of the same carton.

The milk on the bottom is colder.

No, it's not.

Obviously, you've never been locked overnight

in a dairy storage facility!

Dad, will you stop? I haven't worked for 2 months,

so unless you have an extra thousand bucks laying around

to buy us a new refrigerator, please, just drink it.

All right, it's down.

For now.

Knock knock. Hey, holly.

Hey! Hey, Arthur, you ready for bingo?

Indeed I am. What's with the kraut?

This is my new dog shatzi.

He retired from the police force, and I adopted him.

Police dog, huh?

Before he starts barking, I should tell you

I have a fair amount of contraband in my sock drawer.

Oh, don't worry, Arthur. He's a bomb-sniffing dog.

He's a real hero, too. I met him when they busted my boyfriend.

So your boyfriend was making a bomb?

Soon-to-be ex-boyfriend, believe you me.

Ok, Arthur, are you ready?

All set. See you kids later.

Oh, cute hat.

Thank you.

I found it in a leaf pile.

Enh!

Oh, this milk is warm. You think it's dangerous?

Well, I don't know, but your dad had his finger in it,

and it's the one he works his ear with, so...

He's in my dreams.

Hey, dad, what's up?

Big news.

I was sitting next to Eleanor melville at bingo tonight.

She's the lady who lost an eye in a sledding accident, remember?

All right, he's goin' in the hamper.

Dad, it's kinda late.

Could you just get to the point?

God bless her lucky glass eye

because tonight I won the jackpot!

Great. Take your 8 bucks and get outta here.

Does this look like 8 bucks to you?

Wow, how much is that?

2,500 clams.

$2,500? Oh, my God!

At first I thought I'd put it away for a rainy day,

but then I realized, I got no mortgage, no bills to pay,

so I figured it's time for a. Spooner to have a little fun.

Starting tomorrow, I'm queen for a day!

Well... good for him.

What?

Did you notice anything wrong with what just happened here?

Other than his fly being open?

No. I'm numb to that now.

I mean the fact that he didn't mention

giving us any of that money.

Why should he? It's his money.

Are you kidding me, Carrie?

I mean, we spend thousands of dollars on him.

He said it himself.

He's got no bills, no mortgage to pay

because we pay it,

not to mention all the food, clothing,

medicine, those 2 clarinets.

Well, that's what you do when a parent gets old.

I mean, he did take care of me until I was almost... 15.

And, meanwhile, since you lost your job,

we have not gotten one thing for ourselves, not one!

Do you know every night before I go to bed,

I look at this golf catalog,

but I can't get anything in here.

So this means nothing to me!

The point is, I want a titanium fairway wood,

and I want it now!

And damn it, you deserve something, too. What do you want?

You know what we should buy is a new refrigerator.

Ok, so I'll get the golf clubs,

and the fridge will be your thing.

No. Why do I get the boring thing?

Fine. Then pick something you want.

I mean, the old fridge is fine.

Right now, we don't need something to keep food fresh,

we need something to keep us fresh.

Actually, you know what I'd love?

I'd love to go to that spa right next door to bloomingdale's

and get, like, a whole day of beauty.

Yes! God, you need a day of beauty!

Hey.

You know what I mean, ok?

All right. Well, you know what?

Tomorrow morning, I will talk to him. I will tell him how we feel,

and I'm sure he'll give us some of the money.

Great. All right, thank you.

And if that doesn't work, I'll just follow up

with a lamp to the back of the head.

Not to kill him, just to send a message.

What do you think I am?

Morning, daddy.

Darling, I think I'm ready to make my first purchase:

The world's best personal submarine.

What do you think?

World's best? With no periscope?

You're smarter than that.

Speaking of that money,

it's so great to see someone in this house

have some good luck for a change.

It certainly is.

Lord knows Doug and I haven't had any lately.

That's putting it mildly.

The thing is, um...

We have certainly helped you out quite a bit over the years.

How so?

Well, we've given you food, clothing, shelter.

Mm. I suppose you could put that spin on it.

And we were kind of hoping

that you could help us out a little bit, you know, money-wise.

Oh, I'd love to be able to help.

You kids have been like family to me.

What do you want?

Half.

I meant, what specific items do you want to purchase?

I want golf clubs. She wants a day of beauty.

Fair enough. I'll give your requests some thought

and get back to you in a day or so.

But just to show my heart's in the right place,

how 'bout we paint the town red tonight, my treat?

Oh, we have plans tonight, dad.

Do you?

That's very disappointing.

Oh, you know what? We can cancel. No problem.

Wonderful. I'll pick you up at 5:30.

Dress is smart casual.

Don't overthink it, dad.

That's what got you into trouble back at the clown's mouth.

That one was close.

That one was close, too.

Be a pal. Shove this in my eye.

Ok... now!

Now!

Those blades are diabolical.

Now. Now. Now. Now!

Oh... what are the odds?

Now.

Thank God.

Last night was so brutal.

So when do we get this money?

I don't know, but I should warn you:

He told me to keep Saturday open

for a trip to the American doll museum.

Family meeting!

What?

Calling a family meeting.

Grab your drinks and kindly follow me to the dining room.

Chop chop.

Come on.

Please rise for the pledge of allegiance.

If you choose, you may omit the words, "under God."

Get on with it.

Fine.

First order of business,

vis-�-vis, the items you requested yesterday,

unfortunately, no can do.

What?

Dad, you said you wanted to help us out.

I do. I'm going to give you $1,000

to purchase a new refrigerator.

You know, I got a better idea:

Why don't you give us $1,000,

and we'll decide what we want to do with it, ok?

Oh, to be young and witless.

Douglas, trust me, you don't get to my position

by throwing away money on frivolous things.

You wanted to buy a submarine.

Hey! When the only way out of the city is through the sewers,

you'll be begging to get in.

I hate this.

What? It's not like we're getting nothing.

I mean, the man is buying us a new refrigerator.

That's not the point. Just 'cause he

stumbled onto some money like jed clampett,

doesn't give him the right to tell us what to do with it.

This one looks nice.

Oh, and look how big the crispers are.

Oh...

Hey, don't knock crispers.

That's where I hide the vegetables so they won't upset you.

Fine. You know what?

Let's just get it and get outta here.

Oh, look! Look it's only 995.

We can tell my dad it cost the full thousand,

and then we got 5 bucks left to par-tay.

Hmm.

What?

Look, I really don't feel right

about lying to my dad.

Look, we are not lying, ok?

We told him we were going to buy a refrigerator, and we did.

The fact that we bought it from a queens college student who was moving out of his dorm,

that's our business.

Do you think he's gonna believe that this cost $1,000?

Carrie, the man thinks I control the TV with my voice.

Everybody wins this way, all right?

Your dad feels like a big shot,

we get a temporary fridge for 68 bucks,

and with the leftover change, new golf clubs and a day at the spa for you.

Oh, look at this. Kenny's mom made meat loaf.

Mine now.

Hey, dad. How was your walk?

Not so good. Turns out the double-Dutch kids don't appreciate heckling.

Is this the new refrigerator?

Yeah.

It's magnificent!

Amazing how small they can make things these days.

God bless those Japanese.

That was great today.

We were hittin' 'em pretty hard, huh?

Oh, but you like it rough, don't ya?

Oh, yes, you doo-be doo-be doo!

I am back from the spa.

How do I look?

Fantastic.

Soon as I'm done fondling my new club, you're next.

My massage was amazing.

I had this Russian guy-uri.

He had these huge hands, and he found every knot in my body.

Not a whole lot of yap yap, you know?

Just every couple of "is good?

Is good?"

By the way, that's all you need to say

when we're, you know, upstairs.

So no more mighty mouse theme?

So, those the new clubs?

Yeah. They're awesome.

Look at the size of that driver.

It's as big as a baby's head.

Yeah. It's beautiful. You deserve 'em.

Yeah, um...

The only problem is, uh...

I got these great new woods,

but I still have the same old crappy irons.

They're fine.

No, they're not. I mean, it's-

it's like if you got a day of beauty

for only half your face,

and they left the other side lookin' all...

Tired and yellow.

What are you gettin' at here, Doug?

Just maybe we could ask your dad for some more money

so I could complete my set here.

What? We can't scam him again.

It's a few hundred. That's not even a scam.

That's pullin' a fast one.

Doug, believe me, don't think I haven't thought about it, ok?

They sell this thing at the spa

that turns your bathtub into a whirlpool.

You don't think I would kill for that?

But lying to him again is just wrong.

Wrong...

Or very right?

Wrong.

Get out of here. I'm naked.

Why is that water bubbling?

Um...

It's really hot?

I cannot believe you!

After you give me that whole speech on how wrong this is,

you go out and buy this?!

But it bubbles.

How could you?

It's just that your golf clubs are forever,

and my spa day is gone,

so I figured, it's only fair, you know?

How did you get your dad to give you the money?

Well, you know how our clock radio's been broken?

Gave me $200 to get a new one.

200? I got that free when I ordered sports illustrated.

Hey, I was only shooting for 100,

but then he started talking about transistors

and how clever those Japanese are.

I just went with it.

And you made me feel bad about wanting more?

Oh, it's on, baby.

Where are you going?

Oh, we got a house full of appliances,

and one's about to go down.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

Doug, no! Not the DVD player!

Carrie, this is a machine that uses lasers to play movies from shiny disks.

I could tell him it cost a million dollars.

Doug, no! This has to stop.

Why should it stop, Carrie?

What, am I beating you to the punch?

What, you got your eye on something that'll make the toilet bubble, too?

Yeah?

Shh! Holly's here.

Yeah, I'm still here.

Hi.

Hey, hey. Yeah, go ahead.

$800? I don't have that kind of money.

Oh, this isn't good.

What? What?

She needs money.

And who do you think she's gonna try to get it from? My dad.

What do you care? You said you were done getting money from him.

Not if she's gonna get it instead.

If someone is gonna scam my dad,

it should at least be someone who loves him.

What does she need the money for anyway?

She finally got that bill

for that blonde they pumped into her hair?

Don't worry. Your dad probably won't give her the money anyway.

Oh, he will, the way she kisses his butt.

"Oh, Arthur, you look so cute in that hat."

You saw him. He looked like a 90-year-old gilligan.

By the way, so does the real gilligan.

All right, you know what?

Just break the frickin' thing.

We've gotta get that money. All right, now,

I'm gonna get the money, and you keep holly busy, ok?

All right, come on. Hurry up! Hurry up!

All right.

Uh-huh. Ok, well, I'll just try to figure something out

and I'll get back to you.

Thanks.

Hey, what you got there...

Sweater?

Sweaters are great,

but, ironically, they don't handle sweat that well.

They're very warm, though.

What's wrong?

My new dog shatzi needs an operation,

and I can't afford it.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Turns out, all the stress from working on the bomb squad

weakened his heart,

and now there's some kind of valve ripping,

and if he doesn't get the operation,

he's gonna be in so much pain,

they're gonna put him down.

Well, he had a good run. He...

Had a full life.

He's 4.

Yeah, but that's 28 in human years.

That's when I started fallin' apart.

And the sad thing is, he doesn't even know it.

You know, he's just this sweet lovable guy

who just wants to kiss you and be with you.

I mean, he spent his entire life saving people.

And now there's no one there to save him.

We gotta give the money to holly.

What?! Why?!

Because if we don't, we're gonna spend eternity swimming in a lake of fire.

Both of us?

Give me this.

Hey... dad?

What's up?

Guess what.

I won at bingo again.

Really? How much?

11 bucks.

Family meeting. Chop chop.