All language subtitles for The King of Queens - S06E12 - Dougie Houser (1080p x265 EDGE2020)-ing

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:36,300 --> 00:00:38,801 Yes, the billo miracle saw has the power 2 00:00:38,869 --> 00:00:40,503 to cut down this tree, 3 00:00:40,571 --> 00:00:41,721 and yet it's precise enough 4 00:00:41,756 --> 00:00:44,341 to make your own homemade Jigsaw puzzles. 5 00:00:45,993 --> 00:00:48,312 And if you call within the next 10 minutes, 6 00:00:48,379 --> 00:00:51,998 we'll send you this pair of miracle safety goggles free. 7 00:00:58,506 --> 00:00:59,472 What are you doing? 8 00:00:59,540 --> 00:01:00,674 Quiet. 9 00:01:00,741 --> 00:01:03,410 The miracle safety goggle clock is tickin'. 10 00:01:03,477 --> 00:01:06,313 Doug, what are you gonna do with a chain saw? 11 00:01:06,380 --> 00:01:09,066 What am I not gonna do? 12 00:01:09,133 --> 00:01:11,134 Ok, you know what? If you buy this chain saw, 13 00:01:11,201 --> 00:01:14,337 I know for a fact I will be bringing your thumb to the hospital 14 00:01:14,405 --> 00:01:16,773 in a ziploc bag. 15 00:01:16,841 --> 00:01:18,808 I'm on hold. Crap. 16 00:01:18,876 --> 00:01:20,810 I just saw an ad for a miracle chain saw. 17 00:01:20,878 --> 00:01:22,712 I need to borrow some plastic. 18 00:01:23,447 --> 00:01:24,831 Already ordering one. 19 00:01:24,898 --> 00:01:25,832 Make it 2. 20 00:01:25,899 --> 00:01:26,966 I think one's enough. 21 00:01:27,034 --> 00:01:28,335 Sure, until we both need 22 00:01:28,402 --> 00:01:29,736 to chain saw something at the same time. 23 00:01:29,803 --> 00:01:31,838 Use your head. 24 00:01:31,905 --> 00:01:33,273 All right. How about this for a compromise? 25 00:01:33,341 --> 00:01:35,175 Nobody gets a chain saw, ever. 26 00:01:35,243 --> 00:01:36,710 But I'm tired of throwing my money away 27 00:01:36,777 --> 00:01:38,278 on store-bought Jigsaw puzzles. 28 00:01:38,346 --> 00:01:41,215 Yeah, and by the way, you can't just tell me no. 29 00:01:41,282 --> 00:01:42,549 Uh, yes, I can. 30 00:01:42,616 --> 00:01:44,684 Uh, no, you can't. 31 00:01:44,752 --> 00:01:48,121 Uh, yeah, I can. We made that deal, remember? 32 00:01:48,189 --> 00:01:49,473 What, that you can just say no and- 33 00:01:49,540 --> 00:01:51,074 and have control over my entire life 34 00:01:51,142 --> 00:01:52,942 and I got no say whatsoever? 35 00:01:53,010 --> 00:01:54,110 Yeah. 36 00:01:54,178 --> 00:01:55,445 When did I agree to that? 37 00:01:55,512 --> 00:01:59,015 10 years ago when we bought this house. 38 00:02:01,101 --> 00:02:02,903 Oh, right. 39 00:02:04,906 --> 00:02:07,473 And this is the master bedroom. 40 00:02:07,542 --> 00:02:08,909 His and her closets 41 00:02:08,976 --> 00:02:11,878 so you don't have to deal with his mess. 42 00:02:11,946 --> 00:02:14,581 Honey, this is perfect for us. 43 00:02:14,649 --> 00:02:15,982 You're perfect. 44 00:02:16,050 --> 00:02:18,718 Oh. Mmm. 45 00:02:18,786 --> 00:02:21,988 I, uh, take it you two are newlyweds? 46 00:02:22,056 --> 00:02:23,023 Yeah, 2 months. 47 00:02:23,090 --> 00:02:24,624 And we're still into each other. 48 00:02:26,093 --> 00:02:29,162 Anyway, um... 49 00:02:29,229 --> 00:02:30,630 Plenty of outlets, um, 50 00:02:30,698 --> 00:02:32,532 and cable hookup's right there. 51 00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:33,533 Oh, no, no, no, no. 52 00:02:33,601 --> 00:02:35,334 I don't believe in TV in the bedroom. 53 00:02:38,039 --> 00:02:39,506 Really, honey? 54 00:02:39,574 --> 00:02:41,474 No. From the moment we walk in that door, 55 00:02:41,543 --> 00:02:45,245 it's about you, me, and sharing. 56 00:02:45,312 --> 00:02:48,015 Mmm. Mmm. 57 00:02:48,082 --> 00:02:49,382 Oh! What's the matter? 58 00:02:49,450 --> 00:02:50,450 Your mustache. It tickles. 59 00:02:50,518 --> 00:02:51,451 Oh, does it? Yeah. 60 00:02:51,519 --> 00:02:52,452 Well, here comes some more! 61 00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:55,722 Stop! 62 00:02:59,060 --> 00:03:00,510 Ah. You're next, Nancy. 63 00:03:02,329 --> 00:03:05,014 So what do you think, sweetie? 64 00:03:05,082 --> 00:03:08,117 Oh. I love the finished basement. 65 00:03:08,185 --> 00:03:09,686 Oh, crap, honey. 66 00:03:09,754 --> 00:03:11,555 They're really into this house. 67 00:03:11,622 --> 00:03:13,289 Come on. 68 00:03:13,358 --> 00:03:15,492 Dine-in kitchen. Nice. 69 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:17,193 And we could put stools at the counter 70 00:03:17,261 --> 00:03:18,194 and eat our- 71 00:03:18,262 --> 00:03:19,363 our, um- 72 00:03:24,068 --> 00:03:25,001 how you doin'? 73 00:03:25,069 --> 00:03:26,436 Hello. 74 00:03:26,504 --> 00:03:28,438 Can I help you? 75 00:03:28,506 --> 00:03:30,591 Oh. No. 76 00:03:30,658 --> 00:03:31,592 Nice place. 77 00:03:31,659 --> 00:03:32,659 Yeah. 78 00:03:32,727 --> 00:03:35,128 Just the smell of the upstairs bedroom... 79 00:03:37,799 --> 00:03:39,866 And the neighbors, right? Ooh! 80 00:03:39,934 --> 00:03:41,734 What's wrong with the neighbors? 81 00:03:41,802 --> 00:03:43,203 They're skinheads. 82 00:03:45,289 --> 00:03:46,522 Really? 83 00:03:46,590 --> 00:03:49,326 Yeah, the whole family. Even the grandmother. 84 00:03:49,394 --> 00:03:51,812 I - I just saw her outside watering plants. 85 00:03:51,879 --> 00:03:53,630 She seemed very sweet. 86 00:03:53,698 --> 00:03:55,782 She tried to sell me crack. That's all I'm sayin'. 87 00:04:05,343 --> 00:04:06,659 Hey, great. Well, what's the address? 88 00:04:08,227 --> 00:04:11,847 Uh-huh. All right. Well, we'll meet there. 89 00:04:11,914 --> 00:04:13,548 Ok, thanks. Bye. 90 00:04:13,616 --> 00:04:15,183 Hey, baby. Who was that? 91 00:04:15,251 --> 00:04:16,251 Oh, it's our real estate agent. 92 00:04:16,318 --> 00:04:17,685 There's another house she wants us to see. 93 00:04:17,754 --> 00:04:19,020 Oh, ok. Well, 94 00:04:19,088 --> 00:04:20,622 I don't think we're gonna top the one we already saw- 95 00:04:20,689 --> 00:04:22,624 great price, great neighborhood. 96 00:04:22,691 --> 00:04:23,625 I know, and that basement- 97 00:04:23,692 --> 00:04:25,193 it's perfect for my home gym. 98 00:04:25,261 --> 00:04:27,395 I got my free weights on one side, 99 00:04:27,463 --> 00:04:30,065 all my cardio on the other. 100 00:04:30,133 --> 00:04:31,133 Well, don't get too ripped, ok? 101 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:33,969 I like a little somethin' I can grab onto. 102 00:04:34,036 --> 00:04:35,871 I can't make that promise. 103 00:04:35,938 --> 00:04:36,905 Mm-hmm. 104 00:04:41,878 --> 00:04:44,445 That is the table I eat on. 105 00:04:45,681 --> 00:04:47,649 Hi, dad. Hey, Arthur. 106 00:04:47,716 --> 00:04:49,117 Look, when I told you kids you could stay with me 107 00:04:49,185 --> 00:04:50,485 after you gave up the apartment, 108 00:04:50,552 --> 00:04:51,486 I was glad to help out. 109 00:04:51,553 --> 00:04:55,490 But for God's sake, it's been 10 days. 110 00:04:55,558 --> 00:04:58,227 Yes, we know, and we may have found a place. 111 00:04:58,294 --> 00:05:00,496 Good. Now hit me with a Martini. 112 00:05:00,563 --> 00:05:01,497 You got it. 113 00:05:01,564 --> 00:05:03,132 How was your day? 114 00:05:03,199 --> 00:05:05,967 Let's just say being a decorative ribbon salesman 115 00:05:06,035 --> 00:05:08,903 isn't as glamorous as it used to be. 116 00:05:08,971 --> 00:05:11,089 Why? You didn't get the winemaker's account? 117 00:05:11,156 --> 00:05:12,740 Nope. They decided to go high-tech 118 00:05:12,808 --> 00:05:15,810 with elastic box bands. 119 00:05:15,878 --> 00:05:17,179 Oh. Here you go. 120 00:05:17,246 --> 00:05:20,215 Thanks. 121 00:05:20,283 --> 00:05:21,649 If I could close one big account, 122 00:05:21,717 --> 00:05:23,318 I'd be on easy street. 123 00:05:23,385 --> 00:05:26,154 No more trips to hick towns upstate. 124 00:05:26,222 --> 00:05:30,025 No more evenings locked in the fleshy arms of some spinster 125 00:05:30,092 --> 00:05:34,495 just so she'll buy 2 spools for her card shop. 126 00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:40,034 Ahh. 127 00:05:40,102 --> 00:05:42,504 And once again, I'm alive. 128 00:05:44,507 --> 00:05:47,075 How you doin'? We're here to see the house. 129 00:05:47,142 --> 00:05:48,677 Are you the heffernans? 130 00:05:48,744 --> 00:05:51,112 Yes. I mean, uh... 131 00:05:51,180 --> 00:05:54,316 I am, he's-he's not. 132 00:05:54,383 --> 00:05:57,385 I'm the heffernan. My wife-my wife's meetin' us here. 133 00:05:57,453 --> 00:06:00,521 Great. They're actually selling the place furnished. 134 00:06:00,589 --> 00:06:03,558 Take a look around. I'll be right in. 135 00:06:07,530 --> 00:06:11,266 Sweet mama, I'm home. 136 00:06:11,334 --> 00:06:13,035 Pretty cool, man. Hey, look at this. 137 00:06:13,102 --> 00:06:14,436 Sunken living room. 138 00:06:14,504 --> 00:06:19,508 Or you bring in a hose. Boom! Indoor pool! 139 00:06:19,575 --> 00:06:20,975 How great are these stairs?! 140 00:06:21,044 --> 00:06:22,144 Hey, check it out. There's an intercom. 141 00:06:22,211 --> 00:06:23,145 Oh, really? 142 00:06:23,212 --> 00:06:24,779 Yeah. Oh. 143 00:06:24,847 --> 00:06:27,815 Uh, breaker, breaker, Carrie, 144 00:06:27,883 --> 00:06:30,618 big daddy's home. Why don't you go get yourself... 145 00:06:30,686 --> 00:06:33,488 Naked? 146 00:06:33,556 --> 00:06:36,058 I'll have better stuff. I love this place! 147 00:06:36,125 --> 00:06:38,527 Shh, shh, shh. Hey, you don't want him to know 148 00:06:38,594 --> 00:06:39,561 how much you love the place. 149 00:06:39,628 --> 00:06:40,628 He might Jack the price up. 150 00:06:40,696 --> 00:06:41,896 Right. I gotcha. Ok, good. 151 00:06:41,964 --> 00:06:43,731 So what do you think? 152 00:06:43,799 --> 00:06:44,966 It's got great flow, huh? 153 00:06:45,034 --> 00:06:46,568 Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. You know what? 154 00:06:46,635 --> 00:06:50,054 So does a tea bag, though, and I don't wanna live in one. 155 00:06:50,122 --> 00:06:53,725 And I gotta tell ya, I'm not really lovin' the neighborhood. 156 00:06:53,793 --> 00:06:56,378 Actually, this is a very desirable area. 157 00:06:56,446 --> 00:06:59,381 Right across the street, there's an excellent elementary school. 158 00:06:59,449 --> 00:07:00,716 Gee, I'm not sure what you're implying, 159 00:07:00,783 --> 00:07:02,451 but I already been to elementary school. 160 00:07:06,405 --> 00:07:07,605 What's this right here? 161 00:07:07,674 --> 00:07:08,940 Oh, that's the dumbwaiter. 162 00:07:09,008 --> 00:07:11,793 You can send food right up to the bedroom. 163 00:07:18,701 --> 00:07:22,153 I desperately want this house. 164 00:07:22,221 --> 00:07:23,171 Well, great. 165 00:07:23,238 --> 00:07:24,940 Is there any way we can close the deal by Saturday? 166 00:07:25,007 --> 00:07:26,507 'Cause I'd really love to barbecue. 167 00:07:26,575 --> 00:07:28,543 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, honey, hi. 168 00:07:28,611 --> 00:07:31,079 What, are you buyin' a house? 169 00:07:31,147 --> 00:07:33,031 Not a house, the house! 170 00:07:33,099 --> 00:07:35,333 Can't you just see us growin' old here, huh? 171 00:07:36,869 --> 00:07:39,504 Um, can I talk to you for a second over here? 172 00:07:39,572 --> 00:07:43,307 Sure you don't wanna join me in the love glove? 173 00:07:43,375 --> 00:07:46,477 No. No, I don't think I do. 174 00:07:46,546 --> 00:07:48,513 You know what? I-i think I'm gonna roll. 175 00:07:48,581 --> 00:07:49,848 I'll see you later, brainiac. 176 00:07:55,754 --> 00:07:57,905 Um... 177 00:07:57,973 --> 00:08:00,191 Do you mind? Could we have a minute, please? 178 00:08:00,259 --> 00:08:01,776 Sure. Take all the time you need. 179 00:08:01,844 --> 00:08:02,777 Thank you. 180 00:08:04,747 --> 00:08:06,181 What's the matter, you don't like the place? 181 00:08:06,249 --> 00:08:11,453 Um, well, it is groovy. I will give you that. 182 00:08:11,521 --> 00:08:14,222 But, uh, I thought we both loved the other house. 183 00:08:14,290 --> 00:08:16,991 The place was ok. But this place has got much better flow. 184 00:08:17,059 --> 00:08:18,059 Not to mention the intercom, 185 00:08:18,126 --> 00:08:20,078 the spiral staircase, the dumbwaiter, 186 00:08:20,146 --> 00:08:23,181 and she comes furnished! 187 00:08:23,249 --> 00:08:25,567 Um, honey, I love you, 188 00:08:25,634 --> 00:08:27,635 and I love when you get excited about things 189 00:08:27,703 --> 00:08:29,353 like a house or a new cereal, 190 00:08:29,422 --> 00:08:32,223 but, um... 191 00:08:32,291 --> 00:08:35,259 This is a really important decision we're making here. 192 00:08:35,327 --> 00:08:36,761 I know it is. 193 00:08:36,829 --> 00:08:38,563 The other house was so perfect for us. 194 00:08:38,631 --> 00:08:40,064 I mean, it had the room we needed. 195 00:08:40,132 --> 00:08:41,900 It was in a quiet neighborhood. 196 00:08:41,967 --> 00:08:42,901 It was close to your work. 197 00:08:42,968 --> 00:08:44,035 I mean, this house is- 198 00:08:44,103 --> 00:08:46,787 it's fun, but it's just not practical. 199 00:08:46,855 --> 00:08:48,406 Oh, really? Yeah. 200 00:08:48,557 --> 00:08:50,458 Ok, let me paint a picture for ya. 201 00:08:50,526 --> 00:08:52,727 We're in that other house. You're in bed. 202 00:08:52,794 --> 00:08:54,295 You're in the mood for pork chops. 203 00:08:54,363 --> 00:08:56,865 Both your legs are broken. 204 00:08:59,968 --> 00:09:01,403 Ok. 205 00:09:01,470 --> 00:09:05,806 Now coincidentally, I'm down in the kitchen frying pork chops. 206 00:09:05,874 --> 00:09:09,944 The smell wafts up to you, and you shout down to me. 207 00:09:10,012 --> 00:09:13,648 But I can't hear you 'cause we don't have an intercom. 208 00:09:15,083 --> 00:09:16,818 Now it turns out I'm a nice guy, 209 00:09:16,886 --> 00:09:18,653 and I wanna get you those pork chops. 210 00:09:18,721 --> 00:09:20,805 So I go to send 'em up in the dumbwaiter. 211 00:09:20,873 --> 00:09:23,608 But we don't have one. 212 00:09:23,676 --> 00:09:26,177 So I walk the pork chops to ya, but the house has no flow, 213 00:09:26,245 --> 00:09:27,446 and I wind up in the basement 214 00:09:27,513 --> 00:09:29,147 and you starve to death. 215 00:09:29,214 --> 00:09:33,468 Ok, here's the thing. - I mean, we could talk about this all night, 216 00:09:33,536 --> 00:09:35,904 but the other couple is gonna make an offer on that house, 217 00:09:35,971 --> 00:09:38,440 and I don't wanna lose it because of a dumbwaiter. 218 00:09:38,508 --> 00:09:40,509 Ok, maybe you don't understand what we have here. 219 00:09:40,576 --> 00:09:44,196 This is a private elevator for pork. 220 00:09:44,263 --> 00:09:48,983 Yes, and I appreciate that. But come on, honey. 221 00:09:49,051 --> 00:09:51,253 This house is across the street from a school. 222 00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:52,820 Do you know how noisy that's gonna be? 223 00:09:52,888 --> 00:09:56,874 Carrie, listen to me. Meat goin' up, bones comin' down. 224 00:09:56,942 --> 00:09:58,743 And then what about when we have a baby? 225 00:09:58,810 --> 00:10:01,812 You wanna carry a baby up and down the spiral staircase? 226 00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:03,515 Again, dumbwaiter! 227 00:10:03,582 --> 00:10:05,816 Baby goes up, baby come down. 228 00:10:05,884 --> 00:10:08,103 All right. Would you stop? 229 00:10:08,170 --> 00:10:10,304 Now look, we are gonna buy that other house, 230 00:10:10,372 --> 00:10:12,239 and we're gonna be very happy, 231 00:10:12,307 --> 00:10:13,841 and if you can't survive 232 00:10:13,909 --> 00:10:17,078 without pork chops being hoisted up to the bedroom, 233 00:10:17,145 --> 00:10:20,815 then we'll string a bucket outside the window for you, ok? 234 00:10:20,883 --> 00:10:22,901 Good. I'm glad that's settled. 235 00:10:22,968 --> 00:10:24,301 And shave that mustache off 236 00:10:24,369 --> 00:10:26,137 'cause you look like a motorcycle cop. 237 00:10:43,420 --> 00:10:45,388 Hey, homeslice. 238 00:10:45,455 --> 00:10:47,924 What are you doin'? 239 00:10:47,992 --> 00:10:48,925 Aw, nothin'. Just, uh... 240 00:10:48,993 --> 00:10:50,927 Shavin' the 'stache. 241 00:10:50,995 --> 00:10:53,363 Losin' the 'stache. Wow. 242 00:10:53,430 --> 00:10:55,731 Yeah, I was thinkin' it's a little too, uh... 243 00:10:55,799 --> 00:10:57,583 Motorcycle cop. 244 00:10:57,651 --> 00:10:59,585 Really? 'Cause to me, it was more 245 00:10:59,653 --> 00:11:02,087 out-of-shape porn star. You know. 246 00:11:02,155 --> 00:11:03,956 So what's up with the house with the dumbwaiter? 247 00:11:04,024 --> 00:11:06,959 Oh, we're, uh, actually making an offer on another house. 248 00:11:07,027 --> 00:11:08,861 Heh heh heh. She beat you down, huh? 249 00:11:08,929 --> 00:11:10,496 No. We had a discussion, 250 00:11:10,564 --> 00:11:12,498 and she made a lot of very good points. 251 00:11:12,566 --> 00:11:14,534 This house is better. You know, it's roomy. 252 00:11:14,601 --> 00:11:17,337 It's close to here. On a nice day, I can actually walk to work. 253 00:11:17,404 --> 00:11:20,406 Heh, walk to work. You don't even like to walk at work. 254 00:11:20,474 --> 00:11:21,491 Admit it, man. She beat you down. 255 00:11:21,558 --> 00:11:23,693 Ain't no shame here, baby. 256 00:11:23,761 --> 00:11:25,728 She didn't beat me down, ok? 257 00:11:25,796 --> 00:11:27,897 I want that house, and I wanna shave my mustache, 258 00:11:27,964 --> 00:11:29,332 and we're not getting a dog anymore. 259 00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:31,834 We're gettin' a kitten 'cause I think cats are fun. 260 00:11:34,738 --> 00:11:36,439 Oh, my God. What am I saying? 261 00:11:36,507 --> 00:11:38,408 Cats are brutal! 262 00:11:38,475 --> 00:11:39,942 And I want my mustache back. 263 00:11:40,010 --> 00:11:42,578 Oh, my God. Here's a little. 264 00:11:42,646 --> 00:11:45,014 Doug, it's-it's gone. 265 00:11:45,082 --> 00:11:47,884 Oh, my-what am I doin'? What's goin' on here? 266 00:11:47,951 --> 00:11:49,753 I mean, everything was goin' so great with Carrie. 267 00:11:49,820 --> 00:11:51,621 She's always been so sweet and fun, 268 00:11:51,689 --> 00:11:56,993 and now all of a sudden, she's, like rrrarrgh! 269 00:11:57,060 --> 00:11:58,161 Oh, yeah, yeah, I got that one 270 00:11:58,228 --> 00:11:59,796 on my honeymoon. Heh heh! 271 00:11:59,863 --> 00:12:01,097 Man, if Carrie's like this now, 272 00:12:01,165 --> 00:12:02,865 what's she gonna be like 10 years from now? 273 00:12:02,933 --> 00:12:04,234 Something to think about. 274 00:12:04,301 --> 00:12:05,801 10 years from now. 275 00:12:05,869 --> 00:12:08,671 That's, like, 2004. 276 00:12:11,074 --> 00:12:12,575 Don't be late tonight, ok? 277 00:12:12,643 --> 00:12:14,810 Remember, we have to go to the ballet. 278 00:12:14,878 --> 00:12:17,713 Actually, tonight I was think about watching the knick game. 279 00:12:17,781 --> 00:12:19,749 Rrrarrgh! 280 00:12:19,816 --> 00:12:21,167 Good point. 281 00:12:21,234 --> 00:12:23,102 All right. I gotta get going to work. 282 00:12:23,170 --> 00:12:25,371 All right. And pick up your blue suit 283 00:12:25,439 --> 00:12:27,106 from the dry cleaners, ok? 284 00:12:27,174 --> 00:12:29,408 I gotta wear a suit? 285 00:12:29,476 --> 00:12:32,478 Yes, a suit, and your uncomfortable shoes. 286 00:12:32,546 --> 00:12:34,380 All right, fine. I'll see you later. 287 00:12:34,448 --> 00:12:35,748 Ok. 288 00:12:38,586 --> 00:12:40,069 And pick me up a loaf of bread! 289 00:12:46,543 --> 00:12:47,776 You know what? 290 00:12:47,844 --> 00:12:49,545 This mustache is staying. 291 00:12:49,613 --> 00:12:51,981 Actually, it's half a mustache. 292 00:12:54,618 --> 00:12:56,986 Still staying. 293 00:12:57,054 --> 00:12:59,739 Darling, the tide has turned for Arthur spooner 294 00:12:59,807 --> 00:13:02,391 in the ribbon game. With any luck, 295 00:13:02,459 --> 00:13:04,127 this will be my best year 296 00:13:04,195 --> 00:13:06,395 since the hostage crisis. 297 00:13:06,463 --> 00:13:09,682 Great, dad. Well, what happened? 298 00:13:09,750 --> 00:13:13,286 I realized, "why do I need big department stores" 299 00:13:13,353 --> 00:13:15,421 when I can go directly to the people?" 300 00:13:15,489 --> 00:13:17,940 Think about it. Who wears ribbons in their hair? 301 00:13:18,008 --> 00:13:19,375 Little girls. 302 00:13:19,443 --> 00:13:22,211 And where do you find little girls? 303 00:13:22,279 --> 00:13:24,580 In the schoolyard. 304 00:13:31,821 --> 00:13:32,972 Oh, boy. 305 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:34,007 It worked like a charm. 306 00:13:34,074 --> 00:13:36,142 I'd beckon a little girl off the swings 307 00:13:36,209 --> 00:13:38,277 with the promise of a candy treat, 308 00:13:38,345 --> 00:13:39,712 and then I present her 309 00:13:39,780 --> 00:13:42,715 with a beautiful faux velvet ribbon. 310 00:13:42,783 --> 00:13:45,952 They ran off screaming, "mommy!" 311 00:13:46,020 --> 00:13:48,454 They couldn't wait to tell their mother 312 00:13:48,522 --> 00:13:51,057 about their encounter with the ribbon man. 313 00:13:52,993 --> 00:13:55,077 Dad, you can't do that. 314 00:13:55,145 --> 00:13:56,112 Sure, I can. 315 00:13:56,179 --> 00:13:58,447 And after a nice snack, 316 00:13:58,515 --> 00:14:01,283 I'm gonna hit the parochial schools. 317 00:14:01,351 --> 00:14:03,903 No, you won't! 318 00:14:03,971 --> 00:14:05,304 You can't tell me what to do. 319 00:14:05,372 --> 00:14:07,657 I am doing it, ok? 320 00:14:07,725 --> 00:14:08,958 Now look, I gotta go meet Doug at the house 321 00:14:09,026 --> 00:14:11,494 to sign some papers. You stay right there 322 00:14:11,561 --> 00:14:14,163 until I get back. Oh, and come here. You have something 323 00:14:14,231 --> 00:14:15,331 on your thing. Ok, good. 324 00:14:15,398 --> 00:14:16,766 Hey, hey! These are mine now! 325 00:14:16,834 --> 00:14:18,601 You can't take my candy treats! I did it! 326 00:14:18,669 --> 00:14:19,669 I'll get more! 327 00:14:19,737 --> 00:14:21,470 And I took your car keys, too! 328 00:14:21,538 --> 00:14:24,223 Damn. Needless to say, 329 00:14:24,291 --> 00:14:26,159 you're dead to me! 330 00:14:32,282 --> 00:14:34,466 Ok. This just confirms 331 00:14:34,534 --> 00:14:37,737 that you're asking for an 8-day inspection period 332 00:14:37,805 --> 00:14:40,657 and 14 days to secure your loan. 333 00:14:40,724 --> 00:14:42,458 Why don't you look that over? 334 00:14:42,526 --> 00:14:43,760 I'll go grab the termite report. 335 00:14:43,827 --> 00:14:46,763 Ok, thanks. 336 00:14:46,830 --> 00:14:48,430 Wassup? 337 00:14:50,567 --> 00:14:53,736 Hey, babe. We got a million papers to sign here. 338 00:14:53,804 --> 00:14:56,438 I want you to start working on these. 339 00:14:56,506 --> 00:14:59,742 All righty. Hmm. 340 00:15:02,613 --> 00:15:05,431 Uh, babe? I think you missed a spot. 341 00:15:05,499 --> 00:15:09,402 No, don't think I did. I'm starting a new trend. 342 00:15:09,469 --> 00:15:10,787 I'm either gonna call it half-stache 343 00:15:10,854 --> 00:15:12,955 or upper lip surprise. 344 00:15:13,023 --> 00:15:14,757 Doug, what's going on? 345 00:15:14,825 --> 00:15:16,793 What's going on? I'll tell you what. 346 00:15:16,860 --> 00:15:19,995 I was standing there shaving my mustache like you ordered me to, 347 00:15:20,063 --> 00:15:22,632 when halfway through the job Doug heffernan showed up 348 00:15:22,700 --> 00:15:24,583 and said, "what are you doing, ass?!" 349 00:15:27,087 --> 00:15:28,988 Ok. You want to keep the mustache? 350 00:15:29,055 --> 00:15:30,757 Keep the mustache. It looks great. 351 00:15:30,824 --> 00:15:32,692 No, it's not just stopping with the mustache, ok? 352 00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:33,959 I want that other house. 353 00:15:34,027 --> 00:15:37,830 Wha-Doug, come on! We've already discussed this. 354 00:15:37,898 --> 00:15:40,032 Now we're here to sign papers 355 00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:41,967 and make an offer on this house. 356 00:15:42,035 --> 00:15:43,770 No, we didn't discuss it. You steamrolled me, 357 00:15:43,837 --> 00:15:45,137 and I'm not signing anything 358 00:15:45,205 --> 00:15:46,939 until we talk about it for real. 359 00:15:47,007 --> 00:15:48,107 All right, fine. You want to talk about it? 360 00:15:48,175 --> 00:15:49,342 Let's talk about it. Tell me why 361 00:15:49,410 --> 00:15:50,476 we should buy that other house 362 00:15:50,544 --> 00:15:52,345 without using the words pork chops 363 00:15:52,413 --> 00:15:53,413 or dumbwaiter. 364 00:15:55,799 --> 00:15:57,216 You know that's impossible! 365 00:15:58,452 --> 00:16:00,085 Then this discussion is over. 366 00:16:00,154 --> 00:16:01,320 Ok, fine! You know what? 367 00:16:01,388 --> 00:16:02,588 Let's just go with the house you want, all right? 368 00:16:02,656 --> 00:16:04,023 Hey, and you know what? Here's a great idea. 369 00:16:04,090 --> 00:16:05,491 You told me once you liked the name Mike. 370 00:16:05,559 --> 00:16:07,793 So from now on, my name's Mike. 371 00:16:07,861 --> 00:16:08,927 All right? Oh, yeah, right. 372 00:16:08,995 --> 00:16:10,563 You know what? I should shave my mustache. 373 00:16:10,631 --> 00:16:11,864 All right, here we go. 374 00:16:11,931 --> 00:16:12,865 What the heck? You know what? 375 00:16:12,932 --> 00:16:14,867 Why stop at the face, huh? 376 00:16:14,934 --> 00:16:15,934 How about in here? Yeah! 377 00:16:16,002 --> 00:16:18,153 Am I hairless enough for you? 378 00:16:18,221 --> 00:16:21,891 Smooth Mike! That's what they're gonna call me! 379 00:16:21,959 --> 00:16:23,893 Nipple! 380 00:16:26,597 --> 00:16:28,297 Doug, come on. 381 00:16:28,364 --> 00:16:29,999 You just have to trust me. 382 00:16:30,067 --> 00:16:33,002 I just know that I'm right about this house. 383 00:16:37,841 --> 00:16:39,909 All right, fine. 384 00:16:39,977 --> 00:16:42,511 You know, I don't even know what to say anymore. 385 00:16:42,579 --> 00:16:46,381 I just thought when we got married, 386 00:16:46,449 --> 00:16:48,417 you know, we were like partners. 387 00:16:48,485 --> 00:16:50,953 And you would respect my opinion 388 00:16:51,021 --> 00:16:54,240 or at least pretend to. 389 00:16:54,308 --> 00:16:57,109 I don't want to fight. All right? I love you. 390 00:16:57,177 --> 00:17:00,129 Ok? I don't care where we live 391 00:17:00,196 --> 00:17:02,882 as long as we're together. 392 00:17:02,949 --> 00:17:06,118 Let's just do this. 393 00:17:06,186 --> 00:17:07,920 No, stop, stop. 394 00:17:07,988 --> 00:17:09,138 What? 395 00:17:09,205 --> 00:17:11,240 Look... 396 00:17:11,307 --> 00:17:13,676 Doug, I'm just. - I'm so used to being bossy, 397 00:17:13,744 --> 00:17:15,878 you know, with my dad, and... 398 00:17:15,946 --> 00:17:18,413 I don't want to be like that with you. 399 00:17:19,566 --> 00:17:23,268 You're a smart guy, and I love you. 400 00:17:23,336 --> 00:17:24,754 You know what? I want you to pick out 401 00:17:24,822 --> 00:17:26,388 the house that we buy. 402 00:17:27,858 --> 00:17:29,075 Really? 403 00:17:29,142 --> 00:17:30,709 Yeah. 404 00:17:32,562 --> 00:17:33,829 Ohh. 405 00:17:38,218 --> 00:17:41,537 Carrie, we're gonna have a great life. 406 00:18:08,565 --> 00:18:10,432 Doug, food's here! 407 00:18:16,323 --> 00:18:18,040 Sorry it took so long. 408 00:18:18,108 --> 00:18:20,743 There's like 50 school buses down there. 409 00:18:20,811 --> 00:18:22,177 God, that would make me nuts. 410 00:18:22,245 --> 00:18:23,579 Would it? 411 00:18:25,949 --> 00:18:29,101 Dad! Get away from those little girls! 412 00:18:30,470 --> 00:18:31,470 Oh, God. 413 00:18:32,639 --> 00:18:35,007 Ohh! It's ok. Just a rug burn. 414 00:18:35,075 --> 00:18:38,744 Unh! We gotta remember to cone this area off. 415 00:18:40,113 --> 00:18:42,248 All right. Can we just eat up in the bedroom, please? 416 00:18:42,315 --> 00:18:44,250 It's much quieter up there. 417 00:18:44,317 --> 00:18:47,086 Yeah, no problem. Hey, we'll just use the dumbwaiter. 418 00:18:47,154 --> 00:18:49,855 All right. Here we go. 419 00:18:49,923 --> 00:18:51,657 It's perfect. A couple of iced teas 420 00:18:51,724 --> 00:18:53,926 for my new bride. All right! 421 00:18:53,994 --> 00:18:55,761 Here we are. 422 00:18:55,829 --> 00:18:57,713 Oh, yeah! 423 00:19:02,786 --> 00:19:06,655 She's moving! She's moving! 424 00:19:06,723 --> 00:19:08,991 Oh, we are eating in no time! 425 00:19:09,058 --> 00:19:11,394 Eating in no time! 426 00:19:15,265 --> 00:19:17,633 Oh, yeah. 427 00:19:17,701 --> 00:19:19,635 Oh, this is great. 428 00:19:35,418 --> 00:19:38,821 We're gonna need a tiny cleaning lady. 429 00:19:40,340 --> 00:19:43,426 Oh, no, no, no! Don't cry! 430 00:19:43,493 --> 00:19:47,029 I promise. Every big decision from now on you'll make. 431 00:19:47,097 --> 00:19:48,914 You think? 432 00:19:53,570 --> 00:19:55,404 That's how I learned that little girls 433 00:19:55,472 --> 00:19:58,424 are made of sugar and spice... 434 00:19:58,491 --> 00:20:00,392 And lies! 435 00:20:02,763 --> 00:20:05,932 It worked out fine. I mean, we got our house. 436 00:20:05,999 --> 00:20:10,702 Yeah. After 6 months and an extra $19,000. 437 00:20:10,770 --> 00:20:12,805 Uh-huh, mm-hmm. 438 00:20:12,873 --> 00:20:14,373 Oh! Finally. 439 00:20:14,441 --> 00:20:15,741 Uh, yeah. I'd like to place an order 440 00:20:15,809 --> 00:20:17,109 for the miracle chain saw. 441 00:20:17,177 --> 00:20:18,493 Doug! What? 442 00:20:18,561 --> 00:20:19,995 We said you'd make all the major decisions. 443 00:20:20,063 --> 00:20:21,430 This is just a chain saw. 444 00:20:23,266 --> 00:20:24,767 Ugh! Fine. 445 00:20:24,834 --> 00:20:26,802 Uh, you can forget about the saw, 446 00:20:26,870 --> 00:20:28,621 but I'd like to order 2 pairs 447 00:20:28,688 --> 00:20:31,606 of the miracle safety goggles. Yeah! 448 00:20:48,208 --> 00:20:50,476 Hey. Did you bring my bread? 449 00:20:50,543 --> 00:20:51,610 Here you go. 450 00:20:51,678 --> 00:20:53,896 Oh. 451 00:20:53,963 --> 00:20:56,798 This is rye. I asked for whole wheat. 32021

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