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1
00:00:36,300 --> 00:00:38,801
Yes, the billo
miracle saw has the power
2
00:00:38,869 --> 00:00:40,503
to cut down this tree,
3
00:00:40,571 --> 00:00:41,721
and yet it's precise enough
4
00:00:41,756 --> 00:00:44,341
to make your own homemade
Jigsaw puzzles.
5
00:00:45,993 --> 00:00:48,312
And if you call
within the next 10 minutes,
6
00:00:48,379 --> 00:00:51,998
we'll send you this pair
of miracle safety goggles free.
7
00:00:58,506 --> 00:00:59,472
What are you doing?
8
00:00:59,540 --> 00:01:00,674
Quiet.
9
00:01:00,741 --> 00:01:03,410
The miracle safety goggle
clock is tickin'.
10
00:01:03,477 --> 00:01:06,313
Doug, what are you
gonna do with a chain saw?
11
00:01:06,380 --> 00:01:09,066
What am I not gonna do?
12
00:01:09,133 --> 00:01:11,134
Ok, you know what?
If you buy this chain saw,
13
00:01:11,201 --> 00:01:14,337
I know for a fact I will be
bringing your thumb to the hospital
14
00:01:14,405 --> 00:01:16,773
in a ziploc bag.
15
00:01:16,841 --> 00:01:18,808
I'm on hold. Crap.
16
00:01:18,876 --> 00:01:20,810
I just saw an ad
for a miracle chain saw.
17
00:01:20,878 --> 00:01:22,712
I need to borrow
some plastic.
18
00:01:23,447 --> 00:01:24,831
Already ordering one.
19
00:01:24,898 --> 00:01:25,832
Make it 2.
20
00:01:25,899 --> 00:01:26,966
I think one's enough.
21
00:01:27,034 --> 00:01:28,335
Sure, until we both need
22
00:01:28,402 --> 00:01:29,736
to chain saw something
at the same time.
23
00:01:29,803 --> 00:01:31,838
Use your head.
24
00:01:31,905 --> 00:01:33,273
All right. How about this
for a compromise?
25
00:01:33,341 --> 00:01:35,175
Nobody gets
a chain saw, ever.
26
00:01:35,243 --> 00:01:36,710
But I'm tired of
throwing my money away
27
00:01:36,777 --> 00:01:38,278
on store-bought
Jigsaw puzzles.
28
00:01:38,346 --> 00:01:41,215
Yeah, and by the way,
you can't just tell me no.
29
00:01:41,282 --> 00:01:42,549
Uh, yes, I can.
30
00:01:42,616 --> 00:01:44,684
Uh, no, you can't.
31
00:01:44,752 --> 00:01:48,121
Uh, yeah, I can.
We made that deal, remember?
32
00:01:48,189 --> 00:01:49,473
What, that you can
just say no and-
33
00:01:49,540 --> 00:01:51,074
and have control
over my entire life
34
00:01:51,142 --> 00:01:52,942
and I got no say
whatsoever?
35
00:01:53,010 --> 00:01:54,110
Yeah.
36
00:01:54,178 --> 00:01:55,445
When did I
agree to that?
37
00:01:55,512 --> 00:01:59,015
10 years ago
when we bought this house.
38
00:02:01,101 --> 00:02:02,903
Oh, right.
39
00:02:04,906 --> 00:02:07,473
And this is
the master bedroom.
40
00:02:07,542 --> 00:02:08,909
His and her closets
41
00:02:08,976 --> 00:02:11,878
so you don't have to deal
with his mess.
42
00:02:11,946 --> 00:02:14,581
Honey, this is
perfect for us.
43
00:02:14,649 --> 00:02:15,982
You're perfect.
44
00:02:16,050 --> 00:02:18,718
Oh.
Mmm.
45
00:02:18,786 --> 00:02:21,988
I, uh, take it
you two are newlyweds?
46
00:02:22,056 --> 00:02:23,023
Yeah, 2 months.
47
00:02:23,090 --> 00:02:24,624
And we're still
into each other.
48
00:02:26,093 --> 00:02:29,162
Anyway, um...
49
00:02:29,229 --> 00:02:30,630
Plenty of outlets, um,
50
00:02:30,698 --> 00:02:32,532
and cable hookup's
right there.
51
00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:33,533
Oh, no, no, no, no.
52
00:02:33,601 --> 00:02:35,334
I don't believe
in TV in the bedroom.
53
00:02:38,039 --> 00:02:39,506
Really, honey?
54
00:02:39,574 --> 00:02:41,474
No. From the moment
we walk in that door,
55
00:02:41,543 --> 00:02:45,245
it's about you,
me, and sharing.
56
00:02:45,312 --> 00:02:48,015
Mmm.
Mmm.
57
00:02:48,082 --> 00:02:49,382
Oh!
What's the matter?
58
00:02:49,450 --> 00:02:50,450
Your mustache.
It tickles.
59
00:02:50,518 --> 00:02:51,451
Oh, does it?
Yeah.
60
00:02:51,519 --> 00:02:52,452
Well, here comes
some more!
61
00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:55,722
Stop!
62
00:02:59,060 --> 00:03:00,510
Ah. You're next, Nancy.
63
00:03:02,329 --> 00:03:05,014
So what do you
think, sweetie?
64
00:03:05,082 --> 00:03:08,117
Oh. I love
the finished basement.
65
00:03:08,185 --> 00:03:09,686
Oh, crap, honey.
66
00:03:09,754 --> 00:03:11,555
They're really
into this house.
67
00:03:11,622 --> 00:03:13,289
Come on.
68
00:03:13,358 --> 00:03:15,492
Dine-in kitchen.
Nice.
69
00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:17,193
And we could put stools
at the counter
70
00:03:17,261 --> 00:03:18,194
and eat our-
71
00:03:18,262 --> 00:03:19,363
our, um-
72
00:03:24,068 --> 00:03:25,001
how you doin'?
73
00:03:25,069 --> 00:03:26,436
Hello.
74
00:03:26,504 --> 00:03:28,438
Can I help you?
75
00:03:28,506 --> 00:03:30,591
Oh. No.
76
00:03:30,658 --> 00:03:31,592
Nice place.
77
00:03:31,659 --> 00:03:32,659
Yeah.
78
00:03:32,727 --> 00:03:35,128
Just the smell of
the upstairs bedroom...
79
00:03:37,799 --> 00:03:39,866
And the neighbors,
right? Ooh!
80
00:03:39,934 --> 00:03:41,734
What's wrong
with the neighbors?
81
00:03:41,802 --> 00:03:43,203
They're skinheads.
82
00:03:45,289 --> 00:03:46,522
Really?
83
00:03:46,590 --> 00:03:49,326
Yeah, the whole family.
Even the grandmother.
84
00:03:49,394 --> 00:03:51,812
I
- I just saw her outside watering plants.
85
00:03:51,879 --> 00:03:53,630
She seemed
very sweet.
86
00:03:53,698 --> 00:03:55,782
She tried to sell me crack.
That's all I'm sayin'.
87
00:04:05,343 --> 00:04:06,659
Hey, great. Well,
what's the address?
88
00:04:08,227 --> 00:04:11,847
Uh-huh. All right.
Well, we'll meet there.
89
00:04:11,914 --> 00:04:13,548
Ok, thanks. Bye.
90
00:04:13,616 --> 00:04:15,183
Hey, baby.
Who was that?
91
00:04:15,251 --> 00:04:16,251
Oh, it's
our real estate agent.
92
00:04:16,318 --> 00:04:17,685
There's another house
she wants us to see.
93
00:04:17,754 --> 00:04:19,020
Oh, ok. Well,
94
00:04:19,088 --> 00:04:20,622
I don't think we're gonna
top the one we already saw-
95
00:04:20,689 --> 00:04:22,624
great price,
great neighborhood.
96
00:04:22,691 --> 00:04:23,625
I know,
and that basement-
97
00:04:23,692 --> 00:04:25,193
it's perfect
for my home gym.
98
00:04:25,261 --> 00:04:27,395
I got my free weights on one side,
99
00:04:27,463 --> 00:04:30,065
all my cardio
on the other.
100
00:04:30,133 --> 00:04:31,133
Well, don't
get too ripped, ok?
101
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:33,969
I like a little somethin'
I can grab onto.
102
00:04:34,036 --> 00:04:35,871
I can't make
that promise.
103
00:04:35,938 --> 00:04:36,905
Mm-hmm.
104
00:04:41,878 --> 00:04:44,445
That is the table
I eat on.
105
00:04:45,681 --> 00:04:47,649
Hi, dad.
Hey, Arthur.
106
00:04:47,716 --> 00:04:49,117
Look, when I told you kids
you could stay with me
107
00:04:49,185 --> 00:04:50,485
after you gave up
the apartment,
108
00:04:50,552 --> 00:04:51,486
I was glad to help out.
109
00:04:51,553 --> 00:04:55,490
But for God's sake,
it's been 10 days.
110
00:04:55,558 --> 00:04:58,227
Yes, we know, and we
may have found a place.
111
00:04:58,294 --> 00:05:00,496
Good. Now hit me
with a Martini.
112
00:05:00,563 --> 00:05:01,497
You got it.
113
00:05:01,564 --> 00:05:03,132
How was your day?
114
00:05:03,199 --> 00:05:05,967
Let's just say being a
decorative ribbon salesman
115
00:05:06,035 --> 00:05:08,903
isn't as glamorous
as it used to be.
116
00:05:08,971 --> 00:05:11,089
Why? You didn't get
the winemaker's account?
117
00:05:11,156 --> 00:05:12,740
Nope. They decided
to go high-tech
118
00:05:12,808 --> 00:05:15,810
with elastic box bands.
119
00:05:15,878 --> 00:05:17,179
Oh. Here you go.
120
00:05:17,246 --> 00:05:20,215
Thanks.
121
00:05:20,283 --> 00:05:21,649
If I could close
one big account,
122
00:05:21,717 --> 00:05:23,318
I'd be on easy street.
123
00:05:23,385 --> 00:05:26,154
No more trips
to hick towns upstate.
124
00:05:26,222 --> 00:05:30,025
No more evenings locked in the
fleshy arms of some spinster
125
00:05:30,092 --> 00:05:34,495
just so she'll buy 2 spools
for her card shop.
126
00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:40,034
Ahh.
127
00:05:40,102 --> 00:05:42,504
And once again, I'm alive.
128
00:05:44,507 --> 00:05:47,075
How you doin'? We're
here to see the house.
129
00:05:47,142 --> 00:05:48,677
Are you
the heffernans?
130
00:05:48,744 --> 00:05:51,112
Yes. I mean, uh...
131
00:05:51,180 --> 00:05:54,316
I am, he's-he's not.
132
00:05:54,383 --> 00:05:57,385
I'm the heffernan. My wife-my
wife's meetin' us here.
133
00:05:57,453 --> 00:06:00,521
Great. They're actually
selling the place furnished.
134
00:06:00,589 --> 00:06:03,558
Take a look around.
I'll be right in.
135
00:06:07,530 --> 00:06:11,266
Sweet mama, I'm home.
136
00:06:11,334 --> 00:06:13,035
Pretty cool, man.
Hey, look at this.
137
00:06:13,102 --> 00:06:14,436
Sunken living room.
138
00:06:14,504 --> 00:06:19,508
Or you bring in a hose.
Boom! Indoor pool!
139
00:06:19,575 --> 00:06:20,975
How great
are these stairs?!
140
00:06:21,044 --> 00:06:22,144
Hey, check it out.
There's an intercom.
141
00:06:22,211 --> 00:06:23,145
Oh, really?
142
00:06:23,212 --> 00:06:24,779
Yeah.
Oh.
143
00:06:24,847 --> 00:06:27,815
Uh, breaker,
breaker, Carrie,
144
00:06:27,883 --> 00:06:30,618
big daddy's home. Why
don't you go get yourself...
145
00:06:30,686 --> 00:06:33,488
Naked?
146
00:06:33,556 --> 00:06:36,058
I'll have better stuff.
I love this place!
147
00:06:36,125 --> 00:06:38,527
Shh, shh, shh. Hey, you
don't want him to know
148
00:06:38,594 --> 00:06:39,561
how much
you love the place.
149
00:06:39,628 --> 00:06:40,628
He might
Jack the price up.
150
00:06:40,696 --> 00:06:41,896
Right. I gotcha.
Ok, good.
151
00:06:41,964 --> 00:06:43,731
So what do you
think?
152
00:06:43,799 --> 00:06:44,966
It's got
great flow, huh?
153
00:06:45,034 --> 00:06:46,568
Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.
You know what?
154
00:06:46,635 --> 00:06:50,054
So does a tea bag, though,
and I don't wanna live in one.
155
00:06:50,122 --> 00:06:53,725
And I gotta tell ya, I'm not
really lovin' the neighborhood.
156
00:06:53,793 --> 00:06:56,378
Actually, this is
a very desirable area.
157
00:06:56,446 --> 00:06:59,381
Right across the street, there's
an excellent elementary school.
158
00:06:59,449 --> 00:07:00,716
Gee, I'm not sure
what you're implying,
159
00:07:00,783 --> 00:07:02,451
but I already been
to elementary school.
160
00:07:06,405 --> 00:07:07,605
What's this right here?
161
00:07:07,674 --> 00:07:08,940
Oh, that's
the dumbwaiter.
162
00:07:09,008 --> 00:07:11,793
You can send food
right up to the bedroom.
163
00:07:18,701 --> 00:07:22,153
I desperately
want this house.
164
00:07:22,221 --> 00:07:23,171
Well, great.
165
00:07:23,238 --> 00:07:24,940
Is there any way we can
close the deal by Saturday?
166
00:07:25,007 --> 00:07:26,507
'Cause I'd really
love to barbecue.
167
00:07:26,575 --> 00:07:28,543
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, honey, hi.
168
00:07:28,611 --> 00:07:31,079
What, are you
buyin' a house?
169
00:07:31,147 --> 00:07:33,031
Not a house, the house!
170
00:07:33,099 --> 00:07:35,333
Can't you just see us
growin' old here, huh?
171
00:07:36,869 --> 00:07:39,504
Um, can I talk to you
for a second over here?
172
00:07:39,572 --> 00:07:43,307
Sure you don't wanna
join me in the love glove?
173
00:07:43,375 --> 00:07:46,477
No. No,
I don't think I do.
174
00:07:46,546 --> 00:07:48,513
You know what? I-i think
I'm gonna roll.
175
00:07:48,581 --> 00:07:49,848
I'll see you later,
brainiac.
176
00:07:55,754 --> 00:07:57,905
Um...
177
00:07:57,973 --> 00:08:00,191
Do you mind? Could we
have a minute, please?
178
00:08:00,259 --> 00:08:01,776
Sure. Take
all the time you need.
179
00:08:01,844 --> 00:08:02,777
Thank you.
180
00:08:04,747 --> 00:08:06,181
What's the matter,
you don't like the place?
181
00:08:06,249 --> 00:08:11,453
Um, well, it is groovy.
I will give you that.
182
00:08:11,521 --> 00:08:14,222
But, uh, I thought we both
loved the other house.
183
00:08:14,290 --> 00:08:16,991
The place was ok. But this
place has got much better flow.
184
00:08:17,059 --> 00:08:18,059
Not to mention
the intercom,
185
00:08:18,126 --> 00:08:20,078
the spiral staircase,
the dumbwaiter,
186
00:08:20,146 --> 00:08:23,181
and she comes furnished!
187
00:08:23,249 --> 00:08:25,567
Um, honey, I love you,
188
00:08:25,634 --> 00:08:27,635
and I love when you
get excited about things
189
00:08:27,703 --> 00:08:29,353
like a house
or a new cereal,
190
00:08:29,422 --> 00:08:32,223
but, um...
191
00:08:32,291 --> 00:08:35,259
This is a really important
decision we're making here.
192
00:08:35,327 --> 00:08:36,761
I know it is.
193
00:08:36,829 --> 00:08:38,563
The other house
was so perfect for us.
194
00:08:38,631 --> 00:08:40,064
I mean, it had
the room we needed.
195
00:08:40,132 --> 00:08:41,900
It was in
a quiet neighborhood.
196
00:08:41,967 --> 00:08:42,901
It was close
to your work.
197
00:08:42,968 --> 00:08:44,035
I mean, this house is-
198
00:08:44,103 --> 00:08:46,787
it's fun, but
it's just not practical.
199
00:08:46,855 --> 00:08:48,406
Oh, really?
Yeah.
200
00:08:48,557 --> 00:08:50,458
Ok, let me paint
a picture for ya.
201
00:08:50,526 --> 00:08:52,727
We're in that other house.
You're in bed.
202
00:08:52,794 --> 00:08:54,295
You're in the mood
for pork chops.
203
00:08:54,363 --> 00:08:56,865
Both your legs
are broken.
204
00:08:59,968 --> 00:09:01,403
Ok.
205
00:09:01,470 --> 00:09:05,806
Now coincidentally, I'm down in
the kitchen frying pork chops.
206
00:09:05,874 --> 00:09:09,944
The smell wafts up to you,
and you shout down to me.
207
00:09:10,012 --> 00:09:13,648
But I can't hear you 'cause
we don't have an intercom.
208
00:09:15,083 --> 00:09:16,818
Now it turns out
I'm a nice guy,
209
00:09:16,886 --> 00:09:18,653
and I wanna get you
those pork chops.
210
00:09:18,721 --> 00:09:20,805
So I go to send 'em up
in the dumbwaiter.
211
00:09:20,873 --> 00:09:23,608
But we don't have one.
212
00:09:23,676 --> 00:09:26,177
So I walk the pork chops to
ya, but the house has no flow,
213
00:09:26,245 --> 00:09:27,446
and I wind up
in the basement
214
00:09:27,513 --> 00:09:29,147
and you starve to death.
215
00:09:29,214 --> 00:09:33,468
Ok, here's the thing.
- I mean, we could talk about this all night,
216
00:09:33,536 --> 00:09:35,904
but the other couple is gonna
make an offer on that house,
217
00:09:35,971 --> 00:09:38,440
and I don't wanna lose it
because of a dumbwaiter.
218
00:09:38,508 --> 00:09:40,509
Ok, maybe you don't
understand what we have here.
219
00:09:40,576 --> 00:09:44,196
This is a private elevator
for pork.
220
00:09:44,263 --> 00:09:48,983
Yes, and I appreciate that.
But come on, honey.
221
00:09:49,051 --> 00:09:51,253
This house is across
the street from a school.
222
00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:52,820
Do you know how noisy
that's gonna be?
223
00:09:52,888 --> 00:09:56,874
Carrie, listen to me. Meat
goin' up, bones comin' down.
224
00:09:56,942 --> 00:09:58,743
And then what about
when we have a baby?
225
00:09:58,810 --> 00:10:01,812
You wanna carry a baby up
and down the spiral staircase?
226
00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:03,515
Again, dumbwaiter!
227
00:10:03,582 --> 00:10:05,816
Baby goes up,
baby come down.
228
00:10:05,884 --> 00:10:08,103
All right.
Would you stop?
229
00:10:08,170 --> 00:10:10,304
Now look, we are gonna
buy that other house,
230
00:10:10,372 --> 00:10:12,239
and we're
gonna be very happy,
231
00:10:12,307 --> 00:10:13,841
and if
you can't survive
232
00:10:13,909 --> 00:10:17,078
without pork chops being
hoisted up to the bedroom,
233
00:10:17,145 --> 00:10:20,815
then we'll string a bucket
outside the window for you, ok?
234
00:10:20,883 --> 00:10:22,901
Good.
I'm glad that's settled.
235
00:10:22,968 --> 00:10:24,301
And shave
that mustache off
236
00:10:24,369 --> 00:10:26,137
'cause you look
like a motorcycle cop.
237
00:10:43,420 --> 00:10:45,388
Hey, homeslice.
238
00:10:45,455 --> 00:10:47,924
What are you doin'?
239
00:10:47,992 --> 00:10:48,925
Aw, nothin'.
Just, uh...
240
00:10:48,993 --> 00:10:50,927
Shavin' the 'stache.
241
00:10:50,995 --> 00:10:53,363
Losin'
the 'stache. Wow.
242
00:10:53,430 --> 00:10:55,731
Yeah, I was thinkin'
it's a little too, uh...
243
00:10:55,799 --> 00:10:57,583
Motorcycle cop.
244
00:10:57,651 --> 00:10:59,585
Really? 'Cause to me,
it was more
245
00:10:59,653 --> 00:11:02,087
out-of-shape porn star.
You know.
246
00:11:02,155 --> 00:11:03,956
So what's up with the house
with the dumbwaiter?
247
00:11:04,024 --> 00:11:06,959
Oh, we're, uh, actually making
an offer on another house.
248
00:11:07,027 --> 00:11:08,861
Heh heh heh.
She beat you down, huh?
249
00:11:08,929 --> 00:11:10,496
No. We had a discussion,
250
00:11:10,564 --> 00:11:12,498
and she made a lot
of very good points.
251
00:11:12,566 --> 00:11:14,534
This house is better.
You know, it's roomy.
252
00:11:14,601 --> 00:11:17,337
It's close to here. On a nice
day, I can actually walk to work.
253
00:11:17,404 --> 00:11:20,406
Heh, walk to work. You don't
even like to walk at work.
254
00:11:20,474 --> 00:11:21,491
Admit it, man.
She beat you down.
255
00:11:21,558 --> 00:11:23,693
Ain't no shame
here, baby.
256
00:11:23,761 --> 00:11:25,728
She didn't
beat me down, ok?
257
00:11:25,796 --> 00:11:27,897
I want that house, and I
wanna shave my mustache,
258
00:11:27,964 --> 00:11:29,332
and we're not
getting a dog anymore.
259
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:31,834
We're gettin' a kitten
'cause I think cats are fun.
260
00:11:34,738 --> 00:11:36,439
Oh, my God.
What am I saying?
261
00:11:36,507 --> 00:11:38,408
Cats are brutal!
262
00:11:38,475 --> 00:11:39,942
And I want
my mustache back.
263
00:11:40,010 --> 00:11:42,578
Oh, my God.
Here's a little.
264
00:11:42,646 --> 00:11:45,014
Doug,
it's-it's gone.
265
00:11:45,082 --> 00:11:47,884
Oh, my-what am I doin'?
What's goin' on here?
266
00:11:47,951 --> 00:11:49,753
I mean, everything was
goin' so great with Carrie.
267
00:11:49,820 --> 00:11:51,621
She's always been
so sweet and fun,
268
00:11:51,689 --> 00:11:56,993
and now all of a sudden,
she's, like rrrarrgh!
269
00:11:57,060 --> 00:11:58,161
Oh, yeah, yeah,
I got that one
270
00:11:58,228 --> 00:11:59,796
on my honeymoon.
Heh heh!
271
00:11:59,863 --> 00:12:01,097
Man, if Carrie's
like this now,
272
00:12:01,165 --> 00:12:02,865
what's she gonna be
like 10 years from now?
273
00:12:02,933 --> 00:12:04,234
Something to think about.
274
00:12:04,301 --> 00:12:05,801
10 years from now.
275
00:12:05,869 --> 00:12:08,671
That's, like, 2004.
276
00:12:11,074 --> 00:12:12,575
Don't be late
tonight, ok?
277
00:12:12,643 --> 00:12:14,810
Remember, we have to go to the ballet.
278
00:12:14,878 --> 00:12:17,713
Actually, tonight I was think
about watching the knick game.
279
00:12:17,781 --> 00:12:19,749
Rrrarrgh!
280
00:12:19,816 --> 00:12:21,167
Good point.
281
00:12:21,234 --> 00:12:23,102
All right. I gotta
get going to work.
282
00:12:23,170 --> 00:12:25,371
All right. And pick up your blue suit
283
00:12:25,439 --> 00:12:27,106
from the dry
cleaners, ok?
284
00:12:27,174 --> 00:12:29,408
I gotta wear a suit?
285
00:12:29,476 --> 00:12:32,478
Yes, a suit, and your
uncomfortable shoes.
286
00:12:32,546 --> 00:12:34,380
All right, fine.
I'll see you later.
287
00:12:34,448 --> 00:12:35,748
Ok.
288
00:12:38,586 --> 00:12:40,069
And pick me up
a loaf of bread!
289
00:12:46,543 --> 00:12:47,776
You know what?
290
00:12:47,844 --> 00:12:49,545
This mustache
is staying.
291
00:12:49,613 --> 00:12:51,981
Actually,
it's half a mustache.
292
00:12:54,618 --> 00:12:56,986
Still staying.
293
00:12:57,054 --> 00:12:59,739
Darling, the tide has
turned for Arthur spooner
294
00:12:59,807 --> 00:13:02,391
in the ribbon game.
With any luck,
295
00:13:02,459 --> 00:13:04,127
this will be my best year
296
00:13:04,195 --> 00:13:06,395
since the hostage crisis.
297
00:13:06,463 --> 00:13:09,682
Great, dad.
Well, what happened?
298
00:13:09,750 --> 00:13:13,286
I realized, "why do I
need big department stores"
299
00:13:13,353 --> 00:13:15,421
when I can go
directly to the people?"
300
00:13:15,489 --> 00:13:17,940
Think about it. Who wears
ribbons in their hair?
301
00:13:18,008 --> 00:13:19,375
Little girls.
302
00:13:19,443 --> 00:13:22,211
And where do you find
little girls?
303
00:13:22,279 --> 00:13:24,580
In the schoolyard.
304
00:13:31,821 --> 00:13:32,972
Oh, boy.
305
00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:34,007
It worked like a charm.
306
00:13:34,074 --> 00:13:36,142
I'd beckon a little girl
off the swings
307
00:13:36,209 --> 00:13:38,277
with the promise
of a candy treat,
308
00:13:38,345 --> 00:13:39,712
and then I present her
309
00:13:39,780 --> 00:13:42,715
with a beautiful
faux velvet ribbon.
310
00:13:42,783 --> 00:13:45,952
They ran off
screaming, "mommy!"
311
00:13:46,020 --> 00:13:48,454
They couldn't wait
to tell their mother
312
00:13:48,522 --> 00:13:51,057
about their encounter
with the ribbon man.
313
00:13:52,993 --> 00:13:55,077
Dad, you can't do that.
314
00:13:55,145 --> 00:13:56,112
Sure, I can.
315
00:13:56,179 --> 00:13:58,447
And after
a nice snack,
316
00:13:58,515 --> 00:14:01,283
I'm gonna hit the
parochial schools.
317
00:14:01,351 --> 00:14:03,903
No, you won't!
318
00:14:03,971 --> 00:14:05,304
You can't tell me
what to do.
319
00:14:05,372 --> 00:14:07,657
I am doing it, ok?
320
00:14:07,725 --> 00:14:08,958
Now look, I gotta go
meet Doug at the house
321
00:14:09,026 --> 00:14:11,494
to sign some papers.
You stay right there
322
00:14:11,561 --> 00:14:14,163
until I get back. Oh, and
come here. You have something
323
00:14:14,231 --> 00:14:15,331
on your thing.
Ok, good.
324
00:14:15,398 --> 00:14:16,766
Hey, hey!
These are mine now!
325
00:14:16,834 --> 00:14:18,601
You can't take my
candy treats! I did it!
326
00:14:18,669 --> 00:14:19,669
I'll get more!
327
00:14:19,737 --> 00:14:21,470
And I took
your car keys, too!
328
00:14:21,538 --> 00:14:24,223
Damn.
Needless to say,
329
00:14:24,291 --> 00:14:26,159
you're dead to me!
330
00:14:32,282 --> 00:14:34,466
Ok. This just confirms
331
00:14:34,534 --> 00:14:37,737
that you're asking for
an 8-day inspection period
332
00:14:37,805 --> 00:14:40,657
and 14 days
to secure your loan.
333
00:14:40,724 --> 00:14:42,458
Why don't you
look that over?
334
00:14:42,526 --> 00:14:43,760
I'll go grab
the termite report.
335
00:14:43,827 --> 00:14:46,763
Ok, thanks.
336
00:14:46,830 --> 00:14:48,430
Wassup?
337
00:14:50,567 --> 00:14:53,736
Hey, babe. We got a
million papers to sign here.
338
00:14:53,804 --> 00:14:56,438
I want you to start
working on these.
339
00:14:56,506 --> 00:14:59,742
All righty. Hmm.
340
00:15:02,613 --> 00:15:05,431
Uh, babe? I think
you missed a spot.
341
00:15:05,499 --> 00:15:09,402
No, don't think I did.
I'm starting a new trend.
342
00:15:09,469 --> 00:15:10,787
I'm either gonna
call it half-stache
343
00:15:10,854 --> 00:15:12,955
or upper lip surprise.
344
00:15:13,023 --> 00:15:14,757
Doug,
what's going on?
345
00:15:14,825 --> 00:15:16,793
What's going on?
I'll tell you what.
346
00:15:16,860 --> 00:15:19,995
I was standing there shaving my
mustache like you ordered me to,
347
00:15:20,063 --> 00:15:22,632
when halfway through the
job Doug heffernan showed up
348
00:15:22,700 --> 00:15:24,583
and said, "what are
you doing, ass?!"
349
00:15:27,087 --> 00:15:28,988
Ok. You want to
keep the mustache?
350
00:15:29,055 --> 00:15:30,757
Keep the mustache.
It looks great.
351
00:15:30,824 --> 00:15:32,692
No, it's not just stopping
with the mustache, ok?
352
00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:33,959
I want that other house.
353
00:15:34,027 --> 00:15:37,830
Wha-Doug, come on! We've
already discussed this.
354
00:15:37,898 --> 00:15:40,032
Now we're here
to sign papers
355
00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:41,967
and make an offer
on this house.
356
00:15:42,035 --> 00:15:43,770
No, we didn't discuss it.
You steamrolled me,
357
00:15:43,837 --> 00:15:45,137
and I'm
not signing anything
358
00:15:45,205 --> 00:15:46,939
until we talk
about it for real.
359
00:15:47,007 --> 00:15:48,107
All right, fine. You
want to talk about it?
360
00:15:48,175 --> 00:15:49,342
Let's talk about it.
Tell me why
361
00:15:49,410 --> 00:15:50,476
we should buy
that other house
362
00:15:50,544 --> 00:15:52,345
without using
the words pork chops
363
00:15:52,413 --> 00:15:53,413
or dumbwaiter.
364
00:15:55,799 --> 00:15:57,216
You know
that's impossible!
365
00:15:58,452 --> 00:16:00,085
Then this discussion
is over.
366
00:16:00,154 --> 00:16:01,320
Ok, fine! You know what?
367
00:16:01,388 --> 00:16:02,588
Let's just go with the
house you want, all right?
368
00:16:02,656 --> 00:16:04,023
Hey, and you know what?
Here's a great idea.
369
00:16:04,090 --> 00:16:05,491
You told me once
you liked the name Mike.
370
00:16:05,559 --> 00:16:07,793
So from now on,
my name's Mike.
371
00:16:07,861 --> 00:16:08,927
All right?
Oh, yeah, right.
372
00:16:08,995 --> 00:16:10,563
You know what? I
should shave my mustache.
373
00:16:10,631 --> 00:16:11,864
All right, here we go.
374
00:16:11,931 --> 00:16:12,865
What the heck?
You know what?
375
00:16:12,932 --> 00:16:14,867
Why stop
at the face, huh?
376
00:16:14,934 --> 00:16:15,934
How about in here? Yeah!
377
00:16:16,002 --> 00:16:18,153
Am I hairless enough
for you?
378
00:16:18,221 --> 00:16:21,891
Smooth Mike! That's
what they're gonna call me!
379
00:16:21,959 --> 00:16:23,893
Nipple!
380
00:16:26,597 --> 00:16:28,297
Doug, come on.
381
00:16:28,364 --> 00:16:29,999
You just
have to trust me.
382
00:16:30,067 --> 00:16:33,002
I just know that I'm
right about this house.
383
00:16:37,841 --> 00:16:39,909
All right, fine.
384
00:16:39,977 --> 00:16:42,511
You know, I don't even
know what to say anymore.
385
00:16:42,579 --> 00:16:46,381
I just thought
when we got married,
386
00:16:46,449 --> 00:16:48,417
you know, we were
like partners.
387
00:16:48,485 --> 00:16:50,953
And you would
respect my opinion
388
00:16:51,021 --> 00:16:54,240
or at least
pretend to.
389
00:16:54,308 --> 00:16:57,109
I don't want to fight.
All right? I love you.
390
00:16:57,177 --> 00:17:00,129
Ok? I don't care
where we live
391
00:17:00,196 --> 00:17:02,882
as long
as we're together.
392
00:17:02,949 --> 00:17:06,118
Let's just do this.
393
00:17:06,186 --> 00:17:07,920
No, stop, stop.
394
00:17:07,988 --> 00:17:09,138
What?
395
00:17:09,205 --> 00:17:11,240
Look...
396
00:17:11,307 --> 00:17:13,676
Doug, I'm just.
- I'm so used to being bossy,
397
00:17:13,744 --> 00:17:15,878
you know,
with my dad, and...
398
00:17:15,946 --> 00:17:18,413
I don't want to be
like that with you.
399
00:17:19,566 --> 00:17:23,268
You're a smart guy,
and I love you.
400
00:17:23,336 --> 00:17:24,754
You know what? I want you to pick out
401
00:17:24,822 --> 00:17:26,388
the house
that we buy.
402
00:17:27,858 --> 00:17:29,075
Really?
403
00:17:29,142 --> 00:17:30,709
Yeah.
404
00:17:32,562 --> 00:17:33,829
Ohh.
405
00:17:38,218 --> 00:17:41,537
Carrie, we're gonna
have a great life.
406
00:18:08,565 --> 00:18:10,432
Doug, food's here!
407
00:18:16,323 --> 00:18:18,040
Sorry
it took so long.
408
00:18:18,108 --> 00:18:20,743
There's like 50 school buses down there.
409
00:18:20,811 --> 00:18:22,177
God, that would
make me nuts.
410
00:18:22,245 --> 00:18:23,579
Would it?
411
00:18:25,949 --> 00:18:29,101
Dad! Get away
from those little girls!
412
00:18:30,470 --> 00:18:31,470
Oh, God.
413
00:18:32,639 --> 00:18:35,007
Ohh! It's ok.
Just a rug burn.
414
00:18:35,075 --> 00:18:38,744
Unh! We gotta remember
to cone this area off.
415
00:18:40,113 --> 00:18:42,248
All right. Can we just eat
up in the bedroom, please?
416
00:18:42,315 --> 00:18:44,250
It's much quieter
up there.
417
00:18:44,317 --> 00:18:47,086
Yeah, no problem. Hey, we'll
just use the dumbwaiter.
418
00:18:47,154 --> 00:18:49,855
All right. Here we go.
419
00:18:49,923 --> 00:18:51,657
It's perfect.
A couple of iced teas
420
00:18:51,724 --> 00:18:53,926
for my new bride.
All right!
421
00:18:53,994 --> 00:18:55,761
Here we are.
422
00:18:55,829 --> 00:18:57,713
Oh, yeah!
423
00:19:02,786 --> 00:19:06,655
She's moving!
She's moving!
424
00:19:06,723 --> 00:19:08,991
Oh, we are eating in no time!
425
00:19:09,058 --> 00:19:11,394
Eating
in no time!
426
00:19:15,265 --> 00:19:17,633
Oh, yeah.
427
00:19:17,701 --> 00:19:19,635
Oh,
this is great.
428
00:19:35,418 --> 00:19:38,821
We're gonna need
a tiny cleaning lady.
429
00:19:40,340 --> 00:19:43,426
Oh, no, no, no!
Don't cry!
430
00:19:43,493 --> 00:19:47,029
I promise. Every big decision
from now on you'll make.
431
00:19:47,097 --> 00:19:48,914
You think?
432
00:19:53,570 --> 00:19:55,404
That's how I learned that little girls
433
00:19:55,472 --> 00:19:58,424
are made of
sugar and spice...
434
00:19:58,491 --> 00:20:00,392
And lies!
435
00:20:02,763 --> 00:20:05,932
It worked out fine. I
mean, we got our house.
436
00:20:05,999 --> 00:20:10,702
Yeah. After 6 months
and an extra $19,000.
437
00:20:10,770 --> 00:20:12,805
Uh-huh, mm-hmm.
438
00:20:12,873 --> 00:20:14,373
Oh! Finally.
439
00:20:14,441 --> 00:20:15,741
Uh, yeah. I'd like
to place an order
440
00:20:15,809 --> 00:20:17,109
for the miracle
chain saw.
441
00:20:17,177 --> 00:20:18,493
Doug!
What?
442
00:20:18,561 --> 00:20:19,995
We said you'd make all
the major decisions.
443
00:20:20,063 --> 00:20:21,430
This is
just a chain saw.
444
00:20:23,266 --> 00:20:24,767
Ugh! Fine.
445
00:20:24,834 --> 00:20:26,802
Uh, you can forget
about the saw,
446
00:20:26,870 --> 00:20:28,621
but I'd like
to order 2 pairs
447
00:20:28,688 --> 00:20:31,606
of the miracle
safety goggles. Yeah!
448
00:20:48,208 --> 00:20:50,476
Hey. Did you
bring my bread?
449
00:20:50,543 --> 00:20:51,610
Here you go.
450
00:20:51,678 --> 00:20:53,896
Oh.
451
00:20:53,963 --> 00:20:56,798
This is rye.
I asked for whole wheat.
32021
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