Original subtitles

There we go.

Carrie, hi, it's Debra

from Murphy, blatt, and sherman calling.

Just following up on your interview with us today.

It was wonderful meeting you.

Unfortunately, it looks like

we're gonna go with someone else for the job,

but, uh, hey, listen, I ran out at lunch

and I bought a pair of those great shoes you had on.

I love them. Thanks for the tip. Ok, bye.

I just had the best interview.

I met with one of these female partners, ok?

And we totally hit it off.

You know, I actually like this firm better than my old firm,

so screw them for firing me, you know?

I guess everything just happens for a reason.

You know when I knew I really nailed it?

When she said she loved my shoes

and asked me where I got them.

Oh, there's a message!

Uh, phone bad. Phone bad.

Why? Did she call? What'd she say?

Well, she did love the shoes.

I didn't get the job?

It's all right. Come on now.

It's gonna be all right.

You just said everything happens for a reason.

Come on. We both know that that's crap.

I'm sorry, darling.

I take it things didn't work out with your interview.

No.

I trust you'll give me ample notice

if I need to make other living arrangements.

Dad, don't worry. We're not gonna kick you out

no matter how tight money gets.

Mm-hmm.

Would it be possible to get that in writing?

Arthur, go!

Mm-hmm.

I've been on, like, 5,000 job interviews.

I can't do this anymore.

I think I know what might cheer you up.

Would someone like a little man-breast puppet theater?

Coco, why you so upset?

Come over here.

I can't quite-a make it over there.

I'm not huge enough.

You must eat more cheese.

Is this nipple on?

You know what I wish I could do?

I wish I could just forget this whole job search thing for a while

and just, you know, focus on me.

What do you mean?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, I've been working since I was 17.

There's a million things I would do if I had the time.

Like what?

Like I've always wanted to read the great gatsby,

and I wanted to, like, really learn how to cook.

There's a million things around here I wanted to do.

And, oh! You remember when I wanted to start

my own business, making designer cell phone cases?

You know, decorating them with vintage, um,

fabric and fur?

What do you think? You think I'd be good at that?

I've never personally seen you work with fur,

but I'm optimistic.

So, what do you think?

You think I could just take some time for me

and, you know, just find myself?

You know what? Yeah, I think you should do that.

We'll be all right.

We got enough savings, and you've got a little severance.

Oh, my God, Doug. This is-thank you. It's gonna be great.

I'll tell you what would be great.

If you would introduce me and lefty

to your lady-breast friends.

Where are you going? Come on! I got beers in the van!

Hey.

Hey. What are you doing with that coffee maker?

Ah, the thing broke. - the glass thing that holds the coffee.

The carafe?

Ok, we're in America. Speak English.

Anyway, you gotta get a new one that fits that, all right?

Ok, I'll take care of it.

Great, thanks. Look.

What's this, honey?

What?

My commute.

Nice. You want me to grope you

so you feel like you're on the subway?

You didn't get your fill of that last night

when you thought I was sleepin'?

I'm not proud of last night. Can we move on?

Honey, I love this.

I just feel so energized. Look at this.

I got my book,

and I got all our old pictures out,

and I'm gonna cross-reference them

with my old day planner

to get the right dates on the back. How great is that?

Doesn't sound like something a Doug heffernan would sink his teeth into,

but you go to town.

All right, I gotta get going. See you later.

Ok, bye, honey.

When did we go to this jackass' wedding?

Oh, "Dr. Phil confronts giant babies."

Sweet!

I'm gonna go in a little early

'cause I gotta hit Starbucks 'cause the, uh,

the coffee thing's still broken there.

Hi.

Oh, hey, baby.

What's, uh, what's for dinner?

Oh. I already ate at 4:00. I'm sorry.

I'm not that hungry.

I am.

Doug. Doug, I'm sorry.

Honey, I'm so tired,

I can't even think straight.

So, how's the, uh, great gatsby?

Oh, it's good. I like it.

Hey, what's it about?

Um, just some great guy named gatsby.

Ok.

I'm just gonna move this guy over here,

get him ready for his trip.

There she is.

Ok.

Hey, man. Didn't see you this morning.

Yeah, I was a little late. I went running.

Hey, can I ask you something?

What?

What does Kelly do all day?

You're interested in Kelly?

I think about Kelly.

I guess she, uh, gets the kids ready in the morning,

takes them to school, runs some errands,

makes dinner, then we crawl into bed,

and usually sometime during the 11:00 news

she opens for business.

Even after a full day like that, she opens for business?!

You don't even gotta bang on the door?!

No.

Son of a mother!

What?

Carrie- I mean, she's home,

and she came up with this whole plan about finding herself,

but she's not doing anything.

She made you a pretty fine-looking lunch.

I made it!

I was up at 6 A.M. grilling flank steak

just to cheer myself up.

C- can I have a piece?

Yeah.

Not only is she doing nothing during the day,

but the other night I tried to get something going,

and she said she was "so tired she couldn't think straight."

Ok, first of all, what the hell are you so tired from?

And second, why does she have to think?

It's not like I've got a rubik's cube down there.

Hey, honey. Whatcha doing?

Just making some eggs.

Oh, can I have some?

Sure.

I'd, uh, make you some coffee, but...

Thing's still broken.

Darling, I've been perusing the classifieds for you,

and I have found some interesting options.

Have you ever considered dancing exotically?

Dad, you would want your own daughter

to strip naked in front of strangers?

You just shut down.

It's like they're not even there.

Hey, guys. Hey, hol.

Arthur, ready for your walk?

Yes, and apropos to nothing,

how would you like to have a long-term houseguest?

Why? Are you having a problem?

I'm not.

Carrie, is everything-

everything is fine!

Dad, I said we're not gonna kick you out on the street, all right?!

Then why won't you put it in writing?!

Ok. Who's ready for a walk?

Looks like you're doing your thing,

so, uh, I'm just gonna get going.

Yeah, I better get on my stuff, too.

Ok, bye-bye, now.

Bye, hon.

Uh, supervisor? Uh, well, my-

a man with no education to make a living.

Nigel says he's proud of his criminal activities,

especially the fact that he's recently become a successful pimp

with a stable of prostitutes who sell their bodies for him.

Something his mom knows nothing about.

Good day.

Doug, what are you doing?

Just waiting for judge hatchett to hand down her decision.

Doug!

I'm coming around.

Would you please explain to me

why you were outside spying on me like a 2-year-old?

Uh, not a whole lot of 2-year-old spies out there.

And the only reason I'm checking up on you

is because I just don't get what you're doing here all day!

You know what I'm doing. We've discussed this.

No, I know what you said you were gonna do,

but I mean, look at this.

You said you were gonna put together a photo album, right?

Well, here we are in Philadelphia.

And... black!

I mean, look at all these pictures just sitting here.

They got Chinese food all over them.

Look. Look at this.

There's chow mein on my face.

That's in the picture.

Well, it's not just that.

What about the cell phone cases

and all this reading you're gonna do?

The great gatsby-

do you even know why he's so great yet?

What are you, my boss? I have to prove to you

all the work that I've been doing?

What? I have to ask you for a bathroom key

next time I have to go?

Just help me understand this.

Ok, humor me here.

Ok, tell me what you did yesterday, besides watch TV

and play the beginning of the rose on the piano.

All right, you know what? I am done talking to you.

This conversation is over.

Oh, I'll tell you when this is over,

because I'm still talking. Well, good.

Have fun talking to yourself.

What are you doing?

I am testing pens to see which ones are dry.

Are you kidding me?!

Look, Doug,

I know it doesn't look like I've gotten

a lot of work done around here,

but I-i have been thinking

about what my cell phones are gonna look like, ok?

And I have been thinking about how to arrange those pictures.

You ever heard of that? Thinking?

Yeah, I heard of thinking.

I have a question for you.

You ever heard of dinner?!

What?

Yeah. You think one day here while you're deep in thought,

you might just bump into the stove and accidentally cook me something?!

Oh, so that's what this is all about. Food. That's a shocker.

You know what? It wouldn't be about food

if I could get myself a hot cup of coffee,

but the coffeemaker's been sitting in the doorway

for the last 2 weeks!

You think you could find yourself a half hour

to go out and get a new glass pitcher thing?!

Ok, you still can't remember the word "carafe"?

I'm not calling it that. It sounds fruity!

Well, you think you can help out

by putting a lid back on the pen here?

These are all dry, thank you.

Look, I understand you're upset, ok?

And you think I'm the bad guy here,

but don't you find it the slightest bit odd

that we're paying for someone to walk your father

while you're home on the couch

with fully-functioning legs?

I am finding myself.

Ok, well, let me help you.

Here you are! Right in there!

That's you! I found you!

Now make some chicken!

So how are things at the senior center?

You ever figure out who stole all that applesauce?

Can we drop the chitchat

and address the huge elephant

that's in the room here?

What are you talking about?

This family's financial situation.

You canceled my dog Walker,

you're no longer offering coffee in the kitchen.

We're clearly going under.

We're not going under.

Oh, come on. This is the walk

when you just leave me in the woods, isn't it?

No! Everything's fine!

I told you that the only reason I'm walking you

and cooking and doing errands

is because Doug is making me.

Oh.

Well, you are home.

What's wrong with doing things for your husband?

Nothing. Just a lot of things I want to do,

you know, like, for me.

Like I wanted to do all this reading

and had this idea to make designer cell phone cases.

Maybe it's time to stop blaming Douglas

and start following your dream.

I think cell phone razors are a brilliant idea.

You talk. You shave.

It's marvelous.

Cell phone cases, dad. Cases.

Oh.

Well... Good luck with that.

Hey, you guys, I went to the craft store,

and I got some more fabric.

And I also got the little plastic hot dogs

for the "take me out to the ball game" phones.

How you guys doing?

I'm about halfway through gluing the rhinestones on these.

Should be very popular with the fey crowd.

Thank you guys so much for helping me out here.

Can I take a break?

Mmm, actually, Mickey, you know what?

Um, people are gonna be coming here in a few hours,

so why don't you just finish what you're doing there,

and then we'll see where we're at, ok?

So, all right, now, all these

are for the cowgirl-themed phones, all right?

So you guys glue on the lassos,

and I'll-I'll sew on the denim.

I'm so thirsty.

Hey, what's going on?

Hey, honey. I am officially out of my funk.

I am finally making my cell phone cases.

Really? That's great!

Yeah. Hey, check this one out.

Wow. Fuzzy.

Yes, and I invited a few people over tonight for a little party

so I can whip these out and sell 'em.

Who'd you invite?

Oh, just some of our friends, the neighbors,

some people you work with.

Well, ain't that nice?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, it worked for tupperware, right?

Tupperware was a good idea.

Ok.

Uh, hello.

I just want to thank everyone for coming.

I know you're all wondering what you're doing here.

Um, as you may know, I've been out of work for a while.

It's ok. It's ok. It's ok.

Anyway, um, while I've been home,

I started my own business

making designer cell phone cases,

and because you guys are all my friends,

I wanted to give you first crack at buying them,

so may I present to you...

Mobile homes!

Mobile homes! I get it!

They're decorative homes for your mobile phone.

Exactly.

Wow. You made these?

They're gorgeous.

But I bet they're expensive.

Not for what you're getting.

Are the little hairs on the back of your neck standing up, too?

Darling, I dropped my cell phone again.

I wish I had a protective case phone-

uh, phone cell-

I mean, case cell- oh, damn it!

Ok, so who's first?

Uh, well, how much is this jets one?

Oh, the jets one is 45.

Dollars?

Yeah, I know it seems kind of high,

but you want to protect your phone, don't you?

My phone was free.

How about you, Spence?

Oh, you know, I have a combo PDA phone, and it's not gonna fit.

Oh, no. I made these to fit any phone.

Well, actually, the, uh-

yeah, let me see. Give it.

Ok, look. You see, you just-

you gotta-

you just gotta-

you gotta work it. There you go. All right.

See? Perfect.

Well, uh, oh, I think it's dialing somebody.

Like you can't use a new friend, right?

All right. Come on, holly.

You like your denim, right?

Holly, you like your denim.

How about a little denim cowgirl cell phone case, huh?

Well, it's just, um, you recently laid me off,

and I don't really have a lot of-

ok, you're rehired. It's $50.

Ok. Ok.

Here you go. Great. Thank you.

There you go. Aah! Ow!

The little lasso cut me.

I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok.

What is-what is wrong with you people?

I mean, why-

why are none of you looking directly at me?

Oh, my God.

What am I doing?

These are awful.

No, they're not.

They're awful... great.

I'm-I'm so sorry.

A little eye contact would have killed you?

Hey.

What am I doing?

I'm gluing plastic hot dogs on cell phones

and making my friends buy them.

They're nice.

Oh, shut up.

Would you make those people go away?

Yeah, I'll take care of it.

You know, I thought I hit rock bottom

when I was laying on the couch all day doing nothing,

but this is worse.

Look at me. I have no job. I have no life.

I'm not finding myself. I'm totally lost.

So-so you feel lost.

You don't think I've felt lost before?

You don't think the great gatsby was lost

before he became a magician?

He's a magician?

What the hell else could he be?

He's the great gatsby!

Look, you're gonna find yourself eventually.

You know, for now, maybe you just need to lie on the couch.

And then maybe you'll go out and find a new job.

You know, maybe you'll do the cell phone cases again.

Although, you know, I'm not pushing that.

Whatever you decide to do,

I want you to know I'm here for you

and I love you.

Thanks.

I knew there was a reason I keep you around.

I think I got it.

Darling, I've dropped my cellophane case phone.

Damn it!

Mickey, let's run it again.

Darling, I've dropped my call phone again.

I wish I had a protective coating

on my coastal phone.

Oh, this is torture.