Original subtitles

Ok, all basted and ready for the home stretch.

Why didn't you just open the oven

before you picked up the Turkey?

Ok, you know what? Now that you're here,

why don't you open the oven.

Before I dump hot Turkey juice all over your privates?!

I do believe someone's flirtin' with me.

Ok. Thank you.

All right. Well, that's it.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

those yams are not gonna candy themselves.

Wow, this is amazing.

You're cookin' a meal,

and there's no smoke alarms goin' off,

no dogs howlin' in the alley.

I know! I'm just as surprised as you are!

Can you believe that I'm actually gonna pull off

a home-cooked Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people?

I mean, that beats my previous record by...

10!

Oh, gravy's done.

Oh, sweet!

Off, off, off!

Sorry. I heard a bell. I'm like a fighter that way.

So what can I have?

You can eat anything over here, all right?

Just get something out of the refrigerator.

So any word from your dad upstate?

Yes, um... apparently he had a fight with his cousin-in-law,

and they have to eat Thanksgiving dinner in shifts.

It's gonna be weird

having our Thanksgiving without him, right?

Yeah, I'm really gonna miss the sight

of a 10-course meal gettin' caught in the man's mustache.

Ah, leftover pizza,

just under the 5-day limit.

Wait, whoa. What are you doing? No.

Gonna reheat pizza.

The broccoli is cooking in there.

So? Can't I grab a ride for 30 seconds?

No! Then the broccoli's gonna taste like pepperoni!

And a parade will be thrown in your honor.

Ok, here's what I need you to do:

First, leave.

Second, set the table.

You think you can manage that?

What's this?

The silver place settings

your parents gave us for our wedding.

Why is it in this?

Am I taking them on vacation?

You're killing me here.

Please, just go.

I'm gonna go get some sodas out of the garage.

Oh, wow.

I'm eatin' with this one.

Hello.

Finally, somebody home. Hey, sorry to bother you.

Any way I could use your phone?

Uh... what's up?

My car died a couple blocks from here.

Engine seized up.

That's rough. I mean, I'm not much of a car guy,

but I know when I seize up, I not feel so good.

Sure, come on in. Thanks, man.

It's gettin' cold out there.

I picked the wrong day to lose my chapstick.

Oh, been there.

That's why I keep mine

in the little pocket above the big pocket.

That's for chapstick.

A lot of people don't know that.

Phone's right there.

Thanks.

Whoa! Hello.

And you are?

That guy said I could use the phone.

Oh, ok.

Doug? What is a man with an eye patch

doing in our kitchen?

His car broke down.

And you just let him in here?

Yeah, he was stranded.

What do you expect me to do?

Have you ever met this man before?

No.

And have you seen this "car" that supposedly broke down?

No.

Could you offer me any assurance

that we're not about to die?

Will you relax? It's fine.

I let people in here all the time.

Oh! Ok, that's a relief.

Excuse me, what's your address here?

Oh, it's 3121 aberdeen.

Thanks.

Ow!

You don't just give a stranger our address.

It's on the door!

It's not like I gave him my pin number.

Actually, I do use that as my pin number.

You know what? Just get rid of him, ok?

Ok, my buddy's coming to pick me up.

Uh, there's a diner on the corner.

Why don't you wait for your buddy over there, ok?

It's closed.

Everything around here's closed.

You mind if I wait here?

Sure.

I mean, outside, if you don't mind.

Ok.

Inside would be fine normally,

but we're gettin' ready for company,

and we're gonna be vacuuming.

It's gonna be real noisy in here.

I think you'll like it better out here.

So just make yourself comfortable,

although I'd avoid that chair

unless you like getting poked by something cold and rusty.

Right.

So how long till your buddy gets here?

Uh, well, he's coming from Baltimore,

so I guess about 4 hours.

Ok, then.

Ok, here she is! Happy Thanksgiving!

Yoo-hoo!

Hello! Hi!

Right.

Well, I got mine.

What are the rest of you havin'?

All right, let me carve this bad boy up.

Ok, in the meantime, everybody serve yourselves.

I got some stuffing...

All right.

And some sweet potatoes.

You got that?

And some fresh green beans.

Son of an ass!

Obviously not a bean guy.

No, he's watching the football game on his little TV.

The man has a serious gambling problem.

Well, as long as he's having a good time.

Ok, everybody, in the meantime, here you go.

Come on. Scoop and pass. Scoop and pass!

Let's go. Move it along.

Wow, he looks cold.

They say it's gonna get below 30 tonight,

not counting windchill.

Is that man going to freeze, daddy?

I don't know, son.

No! Don't worry.

I noticed when he came inside,

he had a whole thermal thing underneath his clothes.

He's actually warmer out there than we are in here.

Carve.

Ok, so enough about him.

Let's enjoy each other's company, shall we?

Yeah. Hey, let's change the subject.

Um, anyone seen the new wim wenders film?

Well, it's better than talking about that guy.

Man, he give me the creeps.

Really? I kind of think he's cute.

What?!

Yeah, when I came in, I saw that he has a nice smile,

and his eye is so blue.

Hey, anyone see the Thanksgiving parade this morning?

See that rockette?

She took a nosedive right off the side of the float.

So funny.

I didn't see it.

I couldn't stop laughing.

Hey, try the stuffing. No raisins.

What?

Fix this. Fix what?

Ok, in case you haven't noticed, idiot,

everybody's obsessed with your porch pal out there.

Nobody's eating. It's completely awkward.

What do you want me to do?

The guy's waiting for his buddy to pick him up,

he's got nowhere else to go.

The only other option is to let him wait inside here.

Inside? Are you really that stupid?

Stupid with kindness.

Doug, please, just close the curtains then.

I'm not doing that. It's rude.

Rude? Ok, I'm sorry.

I guess I'm not up to speed on the rules of etiquette

involving one-eyed porch psychos.

Now, look, I worked my ass off

to make a nice Thanksgiving meal,

and I want people to enjoy it,

so you're gonna march in there,

you're gonna close the curtains,

and then you're gonna make a funny joke

to get everybody in a good mood again, ok?

Now go!

Fine, but for the record,

you're way scarier than patchy.

Hey, how's it goin'?

It's just a little bright in here.

Gonna close the curtains.

Here we go.

All right.

Ok, that's good.

Ahem, here we are.

Might as well get this one, too.

Sure.

All right! Who wants some Turkey now?

Show of drumsticks, huh?

Everything is so delicious, Carrie.

It's so good.

Yeah, and free.

Yes, but tipping is appreciated.

Pass me the broccoli, please.

What a wonderfully awkward Thanksgiving you've created.

Major! Major, get back to the table!

Please do something about your son.

He just wants to look at the freak outside.

We all do.

Just get him back here.

Major, you heard your mother.

Major!

I just wanted to see if the pirate is dead.

He's not a pirate, and he's not dead.

Is he?

Ok, who's ready for a second round of stuffing? Lou?

Look, it's not my place to say this,

but have you considered letting that man

wait inside the house?

Inside the house.

Huh. What a kind and generous thought.

We don't think it's a good idea, Lou.

Why not?

Well, because we've never met this man before.

For all we know, he could be an ax murderer.

Who needs another roll?

I will take one,

and I'll tell you something.

I agree with you, sister.

You work in the subway,

you see a lot of sickos,

and this guy has my spidey-sense tingling.

Really?

He doesn't seem like a sicko at all to me,

and I've known my share of sickos.

I still keep in touch with some of them.

Well, holly, you make a persuasive case. You do.

Um, but we're still not gonna let him in.

Oh! You fumblin' bitch!

Sorry.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Listen, car, for what it's worth,

I wouldn't let a raggedy-looking stranger

in my house on Thanksgiving.

Thank you. See? It's not just me.

Lou and holly, they agree with me.

Deac, what about you?

I mean, you'd be ok letting this guy in, right?

Well, if he was a brother I would,

but not this dude.

Isn't that just a form of racism?

Look, I'm just looking at the facts.

Black dude might steal your wallet,

but the psychos who chop up families?

All white boys.

Honkies! Yes!

All right, the bottom line here is,

I assume the best about people,

you assume the worst.

You build walls, I build Bridges.

You couldn't build a TV stand.

The instructions were in Japanese.

Face it, Doug, you're way off on this one.

I mean, did you get a look at this guy?

I mean, the way he's dressed and the eye patch?

What the hell does his eye patch have to do with anything?

Maybe a missile was headed for an elementary school,

and he threw his eye in the way!

It was like, zzz! "Aah!"

Man's a hero.

I'm just saying a normal guy who loses an eye,

he doesn't go with a patch.

I mean, a glass eye, maybe,

or a pair of dark ray-bans.

I mean, you don't see ray Charles walking around

wearing an eye patch, do you?

Actually, he would need 2 eye patches.

That's a bad look right there.

Think about who wears an eye patch-

captain hook,

the villain from the James Bond movie-

all bad guys.

What about bazooka Joe?

Bazooka Joe. Couldn't be nicer.

Please! Have you read those comics?

He's very sarcastic.

All right, come on, you guys.

This has nothing to do with the guy's eye patch.

Ok, maybe he is a nice guy

who got a missile in the eye, all right?

But maybe he's not!

And if there's a 1% chance that he could be a demented killer,

why should we take the risk?

The guy is freezing out there, all right?

You want the headline in the post to read tomorrow,

"man dies on porch of happy Thanksgiving dinner"?

How about this for a headline?

"10 people carved in Thanksgiving massacre."

I mean, it writes itself!

Oh, God, do you think he heard us?

Even so, how would he know we were talking about him?

Maybe the fact that we said "eye patch" about 600 times.

What are you- what are you doing?!

I'm gonna see what he wants, ok?

It's a little late to pretend we're not home.

All right, well, keep the chain on the door.

Yeah, cause' no one can get through one of these.

Yeah?

Hey, uh, any chance I could use your bathroom?

Oh, yeah, sure, no problem.

One second, please. I'm in my bra.

Ok, this is where I draw the line, ok?

I'm not gonna insult the man's dignity

by making him take a pee in our bushes!

Why not? You do.

Not in the front!

I'm lettin' him in.

Ok, but wait a minute.

You follow him upstairs,

he goes to the bathroom,

and then he's right back outside, ok?

All right, everybody, keep eating, look normal.

Hey, man, come on in.

Sorry about that.

Hey, you got a nice little setup there, huh?

Just sittin' there, watchin' the pretty girls walk by?

It's at the top of the stairs.

Great.

What are you, blind?!

Uh... football referee's...

Blind.

I like your coat.

I like your pants. I'm holly. Hi!

Hi.

Ok. Go. Go!

Deac, you go, too. Check on him.

Ok, ok.

What's he doin'?

Number one.

Jeez, what'd he have, a big gulp?

Now he's washin' his hands. How many psycho killers you know

wash their hands after they pee?

Couldn't tell you.

He's comin'.

Uh, there. How's that?

Is that any better?

Uh, up a little on the left.

All right, there you go.

Now, stop worryin' about our pictures

and enjoy your dinner already.

Well, now I can.

Well, thanks a lot.

Sorry to disturb your dinner.

What? No, no, no, no.

Hey, mister. Mister.

Major? Why do you

have to be outside? Are you a pirate?

Yes. Yes, I am a pirate.

I just came ashore for a few days to fix my ship.

Can you fix my game boy?

Major, leave the man alone. He's...

Busy.

Let me see.

Oh, you might just need to poke

the little reset button with somethin' sharp.

Ca-

there you go. Good as new.

Thanks.

Ok. Well, I guess I'll go back out there.

All right, this is ridiculous.

The guy's obviously harmless.

You don't know that.

He just fixed a child's game boy and washed his hands after making.

How much proof do we need?!

Hey, no amount of proof is gonna change my gut

tellin' me this guy isn't right.

Oh, will you knock it off?

It's not this guy you're scared of.

It's the whole world!

That's why the subway's a perfect job for you.

You can hide in your little glass booth all day.

Do they even need you, by the way,

with the whole Metro card thing?

Shut up. Shut up!

What are you doin'?

You know what? If we're not letting him in here,

I'm goin' out there.

That's what happened

on the first Thanksgiving. The pilgrims

didn't know the Indians, but they decided

to trust them and bring them food.

Yes, and then the Indians scalped them.

I think you both have the story pretty wrong.

You know what? The point is,

sometimes you gotta do the right thing,

and that's exactly what I'm doin' - the right thing.

And I don't care if I have to do it alone!

Deac, could you, uh, help me with the door handles?

Thank you!

Do you want to just grab my jacket? Oh.

Yeah.

Thank you!

You know what? I agree with Doug.

I mean, it really is the right thing to do,

and I think when you have a chance to do...

To do the right thing, you should do it. You know?

'Cause at the end of the day,

the, uh... The right thing...

Is right. Ok.

I'm just gonna...

Take this wine with me, too.

We wanna go, too, mama!

Yeah! We wanna eat with the pirate!

No. Absolutely not.

Dad, can we?

Um... look, maybe it's all right.

That man could be dangerous!

I know, but they're just gonna keep nagging.

Deacon, that's not a good enough reason.

You know, maybe we should take them out there. Ok?

I mean, look, do you want 'em to grow up to be afraid of the world?

They could end up like... like...

Uhh...

Ok, coats and mittens.

Yay! Yay!

All right. But if you guys go outside,

you can say good-bye to desserts. I'm serious.

They're right.

All of them. I...

I am afraid of the world.

I sit behind my bulletproof glass every day,

all day, and... My only thought is...

God, I hope the glass really is bulletproof.

Well, I'm through living in fear!

I'm going out there, damn it!

You're... coming, too, right, Lou?

I have to follow my heart.

Yeah. Follow your friggin' heart, Lou.

Oh, come on, baby! Go! Go, go, go!

No one to beat but the kicker! Go!

Oh, my God!

How do you get tackled by a guy from Sweden?!

Ohhh! God!

Where is everybody?

Ahh, don't worry about them. It's just you and me,

Danny boy. What do you need? Stuffing?

Uh... broccoli?

Nah. Just lost a fortune.

Need some air.

I can't believe that.

Live and learn, huh? Yeah.

Uh, I... I haven't seen 'em for years.

Um... hi.

I just wanted to tell you, Mr. stranger...

That I was the, uh, the main person

who didn't want you to come in tonight.

I guess I've just never been a... a trusting person.

I'm one of those few people who, um...

Actually uses the atm rearview mirror.

Anyway...

In the true spirit of Thanksgiving,

I'd like to invite you inside with us.

For the rest of our dinner, if you'd like.

Well, I... I don't, uh... know what to say.

I mean... before any of you came out,

I was thinkin' about how nice you people were...

Just to let a perfect stranger use your phone and your bathroom

and to wait out here on your porch?

I certainly never expected any of this.

I - I'd just love to make a toast to you...

A Thanksgiving toast.

That'd be great.

Absolutely. Yeah.

Whoops. There's my buddy's car right now,

stoppin' at that traffic light.

I recognize the bad paint job.

Uh, we got a long drive,

so if I could just use your bathroom one more time,

then I'll make my toast and be on my way?

Oh. Absolutely. Sure.

I'll get the wine poured in the meantime.

Can I have some wine?

Sure you can... In about 14 years.

See? Turns out he's a great guy.

And you want to hear the kicker? Jets fan. Oh.

Hey, holly, did you get his number yet?

Uh, no, not yet, but when he comes back out,

if you all could just talk amongst yourselves... ohhh...

You bad girl.

All I can say... This has

turned out to be one of the nicest thanksgivings

I've ever had.

Ohhh... Ohhh...

Hey, here comes his friend.

The guy caught a break.

There's a parking space right in front.

Crap!

He got our silverware, our stereo,

her purse, her purse, and his little TV.

Told you he wouldn't kill us.

I will wait for you. I promise.

But in the meantime, um...

Can I get my purse back?