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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:10,474 --> 00:00:15,328 Ok, all basted and ready for the home stretch. 2 00:00:25,974 --> 00:00:27,557 Why didn't you just open the oven 3 00:00:27,625 --> 00:00:28,892 before you picked up the Turkey? 4 00:00:30,561 --> 00:00:32,345 Ok, you know what? Now that you're here, 5 00:00:32,413 --> 00:00:33,814 why don't you open the oven. 6 00:00:33,881 --> 00:00:36,266 Before I dump hot Turkey juice all over your privates?! 7 00:00:36,333 --> 00:00:39,152 I do believe someone's flirtin' with me. 8 00:00:39,220 --> 00:00:41,254 Ok. Thank you. 9 00:00:41,322 --> 00:00:43,790 All right. Well, that's it. 10 00:00:43,858 --> 00:00:45,492 Now, if you'll excuse me, 11 00:00:45,559 --> 00:00:48,195 those yams are not gonna candy themselves. 12 00:00:48,262 --> 00:00:49,529 Wow, this is amazing. 13 00:00:49,596 --> 00:00:50,596 You're cookin' a meal, 14 00:00:50,665 --> 00:00:52,699 and there's no smoke alarms goin' off, 15 00:00:52,767 --> 00:00:55,535 no dogs howlin' in the alley. 16 00:00:55,602 --> 00:00:58,337 I know! I'm just as surprised as you are! 17 00:00:58,405 --> 00:01:00,423 Can you believe that I'm actually gonna pull off 18 00:01:00,491 --> 00:01:03,092 a home-cooked Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people? 19 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:05,846 I mean, that beats my previous record by... 20 00:01:05,913 --> 00:01:07,681 10! 21 00:01:08,983 --> 00:01:10,316 Oh, gravy's done. 22 00:01:10,384 --> 00:01:11,635 Oh, sweet! 23 00:01:11,702 --> 00:01:12,769 Off, off, off! 24 00:01:12,837 --> 00:01:14,938 Sorry. I heard a bell. I'm like a fighter that way. 25 00:01:15,006 --> 00:01:16,907 So what can I have? 26 00:01:16,975 --> 00:01:18,709 You can eat anything over here, all right? 27 00:01:18,776 --> 00:01:20,343 Just get something out of the refrigerator. 28 00:01:20,411 --> 00:01:22,628 So any word from your dad upstate? 29 00:01:22,696 --> 00:01:25,431 Yes, um... apparently he had a fight with his cousin-in-law, 30 00:01:25,499 --> 00:01:27,867 and they have to eat Thanksgiving dinner in shifts. 31 00:01:27,935 --> 00:01:29,803 It's gonna be weird 32 00:01:29,870 --> 00:01:32,471 having our Thanksgiving without him, right? 33 00:01:32,539 --> 00:01:33,623 Yeah, I'm really gonna miss the sight 34 00:01:33,690 --> 00:01:36,226 of a 10-course meal gettin' caught in the man's mustache. 35 00:01:37,345 --> 00:01:38,961 Ah, leftover pizza, 36 00:01:39,029 --> 00:01:42,064 just under the 5-day limit. 37 00:01:43,635 --> 00:01:45,769 Wait, whoa. What are you doing? No. 38 00:01:45,837 --> 00:01:46,803 Gonna reheat pizza. 39 00:01:46,871 --> 00:01:48,838 The broccoli is cooking in there. 40 00:01:48,906 --> 00:01:51,123 So? Can't I grab a ride for 30 seconds? 41 00:01:51,191 --> 00:01:53,894 No! Then the broccoli's gonna taste like pepperoni! 42 00:01:53,961 --> 00:01:55,862 And a parade will be thrown in your honor. 43 00:01:55,929 --> 00:01:59,632 Ok, here's what I need you to do: 44 00:01:59,700 --> 00:02:01,300 First, leave. 45 00:02:01,369 --> 00:02:02,502 Second, set the table. 46 00:02:02,570 --> 00:02:03,803 You think you can manage that? 47 00:02:03,871 --> 00:02:05,171 What's this? 48 00:02:05,239 --> 00:02:06,205 The silver place settings 49 00:02:06,273 --> 00:02:07,807 your parents gave us for our wedding. 50 00:02:07,875 --> 00:02:08,758 Why is it in this? 51 00:02:08,910 --> 00:02:10,610 Am I taking them on vacation? 52 00:02:10,677 --> 00:02:11,845 You're killing me here. 53 00:02:11,913 --> 00:02:13,046 Please, just go. 54 00:02:13,113 --> 00:02:14,614 I'm gonna go get some sodas out of the garage. 55 00:02:23,541 --> 00:02:24,691 Oh, wow. 56 00:02:27,895 --> 00:02:29,429 I'm eatin' with this one. 57 00:02:38,606 --> 00:02:39,772 Hello. 58 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:42,125 Finally, somebody home. Hey, sorry to bother you. 59 00:02:42,193 --> 00:02:43,910 Any way I could use your phone? 60 00:02:43,978 --> 00:02:46,129 Uh... what's up? 61 00:02:46,197 --> 00:02:47,764 My car died a couple blocks from here. 62 00:02:47,832 --> 00:02:49,265 Engine seized up. 63 00:02:49,333 --> 00:02:51,067 That's rough. I mean, I'm not much of a car guy, 64 00:02:51,135 --> 00:02:53,620 but I know when I seize up, I not feel so good. 65 00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:57,624 Sure, come on in. Thanks, man. 66 00:02:57,691 --> 00:02:58,808 It's gettin' cold out there. 67 00:02:58,876 --> 00:03:00,510 I picked the wrong day to lose my chapstick. 68 00:03:00,577 --> 00:03:02,112 Oh, been there. 69 00:03:02,179 --> 00:03:03,179 That's why I keep mine 70 00:03:03,247 --> 00:03:04,747 in the little pocket above the big pocket. 71 00:03:04,815 --> 00:03:05,815 That's for chapstick. 72 00:03:05,883 --> 00:03:07,317 A lot of people don't know that. 73 00:03:07,385 --> 00:03:08,918 Phone's right there. 74 00:03:08,986 --> 00:03:10,320 Thanks. 75 00:03:16,994 --> 00:03:18,594 Whoa! Hello. 76 00:03:18,662 --> 00:03:19,729 And you are? 77 00:03:19,796 --> 00:03:21,697 That guy said I could use the phone. 78 00:03:21,765 --> 00:03:23,400 Oh, ok. 79 00:03:28,171 --> 00:03:30,557 Doug? What is a man with an eye patch 80 00:03:30,625 --> 00:03:31,875 doing in our kitchen? 81 00:03:31,943 --> 00:03:33,110 His car broke down. 82 00:03:33,177 --> 00:03:35,411 And you just let him in here? 83 00:03:35,479 --> 00:03:36,179 Yeah, he was stranded. 84 00:03:36,330 --> 00:03:37,264 What do you expect me to do? 85 00:03:37,331 --> 00:03:38,631 Have you ever met this man before? 86 00:03:38,699 --> 00:03:39,933 No. 87 00:03:40,001 --> 00:03:41,935 And have you seen this "car" that supposedly broke down? 88 00:03:42,003 --> 00:03:42,936 No. 89 00:03:43,004 --> 00:03:44,604 Could you offer me any assurance 90 00:03:44,672 --> 00:03:46,006 that we're not about to die? 91 00:03:46,073 --> 00:03:48,975 Will you relax? It's fine. 92 00:03:49,043 --> 00:03:51,227 I let people in here all the time. 93 00:03:51,295 --> 00:03:54,080 Oh! Ok, that's a relief. 94 00:03:54,148 --> 00:03:56,266 Excuse me, what's your address here? 95 00:03:56,333 --> 00:03:58,034 Oh, it's 3121 aberdeen. 96 00:03:58,102 --> 00:03:59,269 Thanks. 97 00:03:59,336 --> 00:04:00,236 Ow! 98 00:04:02,306 --> 00:04:05,041 You don't just give a stranger our address. 99 00:04:05,109 --> 00:04:06,642 It's on the door! 100 00:04:06,710 --> 00:04:09,745 It's not like I gave him my pin number. 101 00:04:09,813 --> 00:04:12,882 Actually, I do use that as my pin number. 102 00:04:12,950 --> 00:04:16,218 You know what? Just get rid of him, ok? 103 00:04:21,142 --> 00:04:23,493 Ok, my buddy's coming to pick me up. 104 00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:24,644 Uh, there's a diner on the corner. 105 00:04:24,712 --> 00:04:26,379 Why don't you wait for your buddy over there, ok? 106 00:04:26,446 --> 00:04:27,464 It's closed. 107 00:04:27,531 --> 00:04:29,198 Everything around here's closed. 108 00:04:29,266 --> 00:04:30,100 You mind if I wait here? 109 00:04:30,251 --> 00:04:32,068 Sure. 110 00:04:32,136 --> 00:04:35,438 I mean, outside, if you don't mind. 111 00:04:35,506 --> 00:04:37,123 Ok. 112 00:04:37,190 --> 00:04:38,858 Inside would be fine normally, 113 00:04:38,926 --> 00:04:40,426 but we're gettin' ready for company, 114 00:04:40,494 --> 00:04:41,628 and we're gonna be vacuuming. 115 00:04:41,695 --> 00:04:42,829 It's gonna be real noisy in here. 116 00:04:42,897 --> 00:04:44,363 I think you'll like it better out here. 117 00:04:44,431 --> 00:04:46,699 So just make yourself comfortable, 118 00:04:46,767 --> 00:04:47,883 although I'd avoid that chair 119 00:04:47,951 --> 00:04:50,720 unless you like getting poked by something cold and rusty. 120 00:04:52,556 --> 00:04:53,523 Right. 121 00:04:53,591 --> 00:04:55,625 So how long till your buddy gets here? 122 00:04:55,692 --> 00:04:57,309 Uh, well, he's coming from Baltimore, 123 00:04:57,377 --> 00:04:58,811 so I guess about 4 hours. 124 00:05:02,716 --> 00:05:04,384 Ok, then. 125 00:05:09,740 --> 00:05:13,543 Ok, here she is! Happy Thanksgiving! 126 00:05:17,865 --> 00:05:18,931 Yoo-hoo! 127 00:05:18,999 --> 00:05:21,467 Hello! Hi! 128 00:05:24,688 --> 00:05:25,622 Right. 129 00:05:25,689 --> 00:05:26,823 Well, I got mine. 130 00:05:26,891 --> 00:05:28,858 What are the rest of you havin'? 131 00:05:30,144 --> 00:05:31,844 All right, let me carve this bad boy up. 132 00:05:31,913 --> 00:05:33,846 Ok, in the meantime, everybody serve yourselves. 133 00:05:33,915 --> 00:05:35,248 I got some stuffing... 134 00:05:35,316 --> 00:05:36,649 All right. 135 00:05:36,717 --> 00:05:38,818 And some sweet potatoes. 136 00:05:38,886 --> 00:05:39,819 You got that? 137 00:05:39,887 --> 00:05:42,289 And some fresh green beans. 138 00:05:42,356 --> 00:05:45,091 Son of an ass! 139 00:05:45,159 --> 00:05:46,842 Obviously not a bean guy. 140 00:05:46,910 --> 00:05:49,412 No, he's watching the football game on his little TV. 141 00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:52,115 The man has a serious gambling problem. 142 00:05:54,501 --> 00:05:56,353 Well, as long as he's having a good time. 143 00:05:56,420 --> 00:05:58,905 Ok, everybody, in the meantime, here you go. 144 00:05:58,973 --> 00:06:00,840 Come on. Scoop and pass. Scoop and pass! 145 00:06:00,908 --> 00:06:03,143 Let's go. Move it along. 146 00:06:10,100 --> 00:06:11,985 Wow, he looks cold. 147 00:06:12,052 --> 00:06:14,320 They say it's gonna get below 30 tonight, 148 00:06:14,387 --> 00:06:16,288 not counting windchill. 149 00:06:16,356 --> 00:06:19,008 Is that man going to freeze, daddy? 150 00:06:19,076 --> 00:06:20,243 I don't know, son. 151 00:06:23,147 --> 00:06:25,982 No! Don't worry. 152 00:06:26,050 --> 00:06:27,416 I noticed when he came inside, 153 00:06:27,484 --> 00:06:29,685 he had a whole thermal thing underneath his clothes. 154 00:06:29,754 --> 00:06:32,255 He's actually warmer out there than we are in here. 155 00:06:33,958 --> 00:06:35,508 Carve. 156 00:06:35,576 --> 00:06:36,826 Ok, so enough about him. 157 00:06:36,894 --> 00:06:39,061 Let's enjoy each other's company, shall we? 158 00:06:39,129 --> 00:06:41,331 Yeah. Hey, let's change the subject. 159 00:06:41,399 --> 00:06:44,534 Um, anyone seen the new wim wenders film? 160 00:06:47,388 --> 00:06:49,605 Well, it's better than talking about that guy. 161 00:06:49,673 --> 00:06:51,824 Man, he give me the creeps. 162 00:06:51,892 --> 00:06:53,959 Really? I kind of think he's cute. 163 00:06:54,028 --> 00:06:55,361 What?! 164 00:06:55,429 --> 00:06:58,114 Yeah, when I came in, I saw that he has a nice smile, 165 00:06:58,181 --> 00:07:00,416 and his eye is so blue. 166 00:07:02,385 --> 00:07:05,221 Hey, anyone see the Thanksgiving parade this morning? 167 00:07:05,289 --> 00:07:06,556 See that rockette? 168 00:07:06,624 --> 00:07:08,891 She took a nosedive right off the side of the float. 169 00:07:08,959 --> 00:07:10,393 So funny. 170 00:07:10,461 --> 00:07:11,161 I didn't see it. 171 00:07:11,228 --> 00:07:12,345 I couldn't stop laughing. 172 00:07:24,441 --> 00:07:26,609 Hey, try the stuffing. No raisins. 173 00:07:28,612 --> 00:07:29,579 What? 174 00:07:29,647 --> 00:07:31,213 Fix this. Fix what? 175 00:07:31,281 --> 00:07:32,598 Ok, in case you haven't noticed, idiot, 176 00:07:32,666 --> 00:07:35,000 everybody's obsessed with your porch pal out there. 177 00:07:35,068 --> 00:07:36,835 Nobody's eating. It's completely awkward. 178 00:07:36,903 --> 00:07:38,004 What do you want me to do? 179 00:07:38,072 --> 00:07:39,005 The guy's waiting for his buddy to pick him up, 180 00:07:39,073 --> 00:07:40,473 he's got nowhere else to go. 181 00:07:40,540 --> 00:07:43,243 The only other option is to let him wait inside here. 182 00:07:43,310 --> 00:07:46,112 Inside? Are you really that stupid? 183 00:07:46,180 --> 00:07:48,347 Stupid with kindness. 184 00:07:48,415 --> 00:07:50,750 Doug, please, just close the curtains then. 185 00:07:50,818 --> 00:07:52,568 I'm not doing that. It's rude. 186 00:07:52,636 --> 00:07:53,986 Rude? Ok, I'm sorry. 187 00:07:54,054 --> 00:07:55,888 I guess I'm not up to speed on the rules of etiquette 188 00:07:55,956 --> 00:07:58,924 involving one-eyed porch psychos. 189 00:08:00,428 --> 00:08:02,178 Now, look, I worked my ass off 190 00:08:02,246 --> 00:08:03,446 to make a nice Thanksgiving meal, 191 00:08:03,513 --> 00:08:05,114 and I want people to enjoy it, 192 00:08:05,182 --> 00:08:06,515 so you're gonna march in there, 193 00:08:06,583 --> 00:08:07,800 you're gonna close the curtains, 194 00:08:07,868 --> 00:08:08,968 and then you're gonna make a funny joke 195 00:08:09,036 --> 00:08:10,136 to get everybody in a good mood again, ok? 196 00:08:10,204 --> 00:08:11,370 Now go! 197 00:08:11,438 --> 00:08:13,239 Fine, but for the record, 198 00:08:13,307 --> 00:08:15,275 you're way scarier than patchy. 199 00:08:17,795 --> 00:08:19,178 Hey, how's it goin'? 200 00:08:19,246 --> 00:08:20,313 It's just a little bright in here. 201 00:08:20,381 --> 00:08:22,615 Gonna close the curtains. 202 00:08:24,434 --> 00:08:25,718 Here we go. 203 00:08:25,786 --> 00:08:27,220 All right. 204 00:08:27,288 --> 00:08:28,955 Ok, that's good. 205 00:08:29,023 --> 00:08:32,425 Ahem, here we are. 206 00:08:32,493 --> 00:08:34,093 Might as well get this one, too. 207 00:08:34,161 --> 00:08:35,562 Sure. 208 00:08:35,629 --> 00:08:38,297 All right! Who wants some Turkey now? 209 00:08:38,365 --> 00:08:40,199 Show of drumsticks, huh? 210 00:08:50,259 --> 00:08:52,160 Everything is so delicious, Carrie. 211 00:08:52,228 --> 00:08:53,294 It's so good. 212 00:08:53,362 --> 00:08:55,646 Yeah, and free. 213 00:08:56,566 --> 00:08:58,366 Yes, but tipping is appreciated. 214 00:08:58,434 --> 00:08:59,901 Pass me the broccoli, please. 215 00:09:06,826 --> 00:09:10,295 What a wonderfully awkward Thanksgiving you've created. 216 00:09:10,363 --> 00:09:13,698 Major! Major, get back to the table! 217 00:09:13,765 --> 00:09:14,932 Please do something about your son. 218 00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:16,401 He just wants to look at the freak outside. 219 00:09:16,468 --> 00:09:17,702 We all do. 220 00:09:19,070 --> 00:09:20,371 Just get him back here. 221 00:09:20,439 --> 00:09:22,440 Major, you heard your mother. 222 00:09:22,508 --> 00:09:23,341 Major! 223 00:09:23,408 --> 00:09:25,910 I just wanted to see if the pirate is dead. 224 00:09:25,978 --> 00:09:27,662 He's not a pirate, and he's not dead. 225 00:09:27,730 --> 00:09:29,330 Is he? 226 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:34,435 Ok, who's ready for a second round of stuffing? Lou? 227 00:09:34,503 --> 00:09:36,253 Look, it's not my place to say this, 228 00:09:36,322 --> 00:09:37,955 but have you considered letting that man 229 00:09:38,023 --> 00:09:39,957 wait inside the house? 230 00:09:40,025 --> 00:09:41,259 Inside the house. 231 00:09:41,327 --> 00:09:44,162 Huh. What a kind and generous thought. 232 00:09:45,481 --> 00:09:48,449 We don't think it's a good idea, Lou. 233 00:09:48,517 --> 00:09:49,500 Why not? 234 00:09:49,568 --> 00:09:50,935 Well, because we've never met this man before. 235 00:09:51,002 --> 00:09:52,570 For all we know, he could be an ax murderer. 236 00:09:52,638 --> 00:09:54,572 Who needs another roll? 237 00:09:54,639 --> 00:09:56,741 I will take one, 238 00:09:56,808 --> 00:09:57,842 and I'll tell you something. 239 00:09:57,910 --> 00:09:59,177 I agree with you, sister. 240 00:09:59,245 --> 00:10:00,328 You work in the subway, 241 00:10:00,396 --> 00:10:01,563 you see a lot of sickos, 242 00:10:01,630 --> 00:10:05,200 and this guy has my spidey-sense tingling. 243 00:10:05,267 --> 00:10:06,968 Really? 244 00:10:07,035 --> 00:10:09,804 He doesn't seem like a sicko at all to me, 245 00:10:09,871 --> 00:10:11,706 and I've known my share of sickos. 246 00:10:11,774 --> 00:10:14,108 I still keep in touch with some of them. 247 00:10:14,176 --> 00:10:17,478 Well, holly, you make a persuasive case. You do. 248 00:10:17,546 --> 00:10:20,248 Um, but we're still not gonna let him in. 249 00:10:20,315 --> 00:10:22,834 Oh! You fumblin' bitch! 250 00:10:22,902 --> 00:10:24,769 Sorry. 251 00:10:24,837 --> 00:10:26,370 Happy Thanksgiving. 252 00:10:27,940 --> 00:10:28,990 Listen, car, for what it's worth, 253 00:10:29,057 --> 00:10:30,624 I wouldn't let a raggedy-looking stranger 254 00:10:30,692 --> 00:10:32,160 in my house on Thanksgiving. 255 00:10:32,227 --> 00:10:34,228 Thank you. See? It's not just me. 256 00:10:34,296 --> 00:10:36,063 Lou and holly, they agree with me. 257 00:10:36,131 --> 00:10:37,265 Deac, what about you? 258 00:10:37,332 --> 00:10:38,966 I mean, you'd be ok letting this guy in, right? 259 00:10:39,034 --> 00:10:40,451 Well, if he was a brother I would, 260 00:10:40,519 --> 00:10:42,753 but not this dude. 261 00:10:42,821 --> 00:10:44,972 Isn't that just a form of racism? 262 00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:46,056 Look, I'm just looking at the facts. 263 00:10:46,124 --> 00:10:47,525 Black dude might steal your wallet, 264 00:10:47,592 --> 00:10:49,027 but the psychos who chop up families? 265 00:10:49,094 --> 00:10:51,162 All white boys. 266 00:10:51,230 --> 00:10:53,731 Honkies! Yes! 267 00:10:53,799 --> 00:10:55,400 All right, the bottom line here is, 268 00:10:55,468 --> 00:10:56,834 I assume the best about people, 269 00:10:56,902 --> 00:10:58,236 you assume the worst. 270 00:10:58,304 --> 00:11:00,838 You build walls, I build Bridges. 271 00:11:02,608 --> 00:11:04,709 You couldn't build a TV stand. 272 00:11:04,776 --> 00:11:06,944 The instructions were in Japanese. 273 00:11:07,012 --> 00:11:09,864 Face it, Doug, you're way off on this one. 274 00:11:09,932 --> 00:11:11,449 I mean, did you get a look at this guy? 275 00:11:11,517 --> 00:11:14,118 I mean, the way he's dressed and the eye patch? 276 00:11:14,185 --> 00:11:16,304 What the hell does his eye patch have to do with anything? 277 00:11:16,371 --> 00:11:18,907 Maybe a missile was headed for an elementary school, 278 00:11:18,974 --> 00:11:20,742 and he threw his eye in the way! 279 00:11:20,810 --> 00:11:23,211 It was like, zzz! "Aah!" 280 00:11:23,278 --> 00:11:24,478 Man's a hero. 281 00:11:24,546 --> 00:11:26,831 I'm just saying a normal guy who loses an eye, 282 00:11:26,898 --> 00:11:28,232 he doesn't go with a patch. 283 00:11:28,300 --> 00:11:30,368 I mean, a glass eye, maybe, 284 00:11:30,436 --> 00:11:32,403 or a pair of dark ray-bans. 285 00:11:32,471 --> 00:11:34,372 I mean, you don't see ray Charles walking around 286 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:36,140 wearing an eye patch, do you? 287 00:11:36,208 --> 00:11:38,143 Actually, he would need 2 eye patches. 288 00:11:39,878 --> 00:11:41,929 That's a bad look right there. 289 00:11:41,997 --> 00:11:43,380 Think about who wears an eye patch- 290 00:11:43,448 --> 00:11:44,381 captain hook, 291 00:11:44,449 --> 00:11:46,650 the villain from the James Bond movie- 292 00:11:46,718 --> 00:11:48,119 all bad guys. 293 00:11:48,187 --> 00:11:49,854 What about bazooka Joe? 294 00:11:49,921 --> 00:11:51,589 Bazooka Joe. Couldn't be nicer. 295 00:11:51,657 --> 00:11:52,857 Please! Have you read those comics? 296 00:11:52,924 --> 00:11:54,225 He's very sarcastic. 297 00:11:54,293 --> 00:11:56,044 All right, come on, you guys. 298 00:11:56,111 --> 00:11:58,413 This has nothing to do with the guy's eye patch. 299 00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:00,147 Ok, maybe he is a nice guy 300 00:12:00,215 --> 00:12:02,366 who got a missile in the eye, all right? 301 00:12:02,434 --> 00:12:04,068 But maybe he's not! 302 00:12:04,136 --> 00:12:07,171 And if there's a 1% chance that he could be a demented killer, 303 00:12:07,239 --> 00:12:09,306 why should we take the risk? 304 00:12:09,374 --> 00:12:11,008 The guy is freezing out there, all right? 305 00:12:11,076 --> 00:12:12,476 You want the headline in the post to read tomorrow, 306 00:12:12,544 --> 00:12:15,646 "man dies on porch of happy Thanksgiving dinner"? 307 00:12:15,714 --> 00:12:17,298 How about this for a headline? 308 00:12:17,366 --> 00:12:19,567 "10 people carved in Thanksgiving massacre." 309 00:12:19,635 --> 00:12:21,870 I mean, it writes itself! 310 00:12:26,024 --> 00:12:27,291 Oh, God, do you think he heard us? 311 00:12:27,359 --> 00:12:31,479 Even so, how would he know we were talking about him? 312 00:12:31,546 --> 00:12:34,482 Maybe the fact that we said "eye patch" about 600 times. 313 00:12:37,936 --> 00:12:39,270 What are you- what are you doing?! 314 00:12:39,338 --> 00:12:40,605 I'm gonna see what he wants, ok? 315 00:12:40,673 --> 00:12:42,139 It's a little late to pretend we're not home. 316 00:12:42,208 --> 00:12:43,874 All right, well, keep the chain on the door. 317 00:12:43,942 --> 00:12:46,244 Yeah, cause' no one can get through one of these. 318 00:12:47,979 --> 00:12:49,046 Yeah? 319 00:12:49,114 --> 00:12:51,015 Hey, uh, any chance I could use your bathroom? 320 00:12:51,083 --> 00:12:52,383 Oh, yeah, sure, no problem. 321 00:12:52,451 --> 00:12:54,135 One second, please. I'm in my bra. 322 00:12:56,004 --> 00:12:58,406 Ok, this is where I draw the line, ok? 323 00:12:58,473 --> 00:12:59,706 I'm not gonna insult the man's dignity 324 00:12:59,774 --> 00:13:01,708 by making him take a pee in our bushes! 325 00:13:01,776 --> 00:13:03,577 Why not? You do. 326 00:13:03,645 --> 00:13:05,463 Not in the front! 327 00:13:05,531 --> 00:13:07,098 I'm lettin' him in. 328 00:13:07,166 --> 00:13:07,865 Ok, but wait a minute. 329 00:13:07,933 --> 00:13:10,384 You follow him upstairs, 330 00:13:10,452 --> 00:13:11,452 he goes to the bathroom, 331 00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:13,387 and then he's right back outside, ok? 332 00:13:13,455 --> 00:13:15,856 All right, everybody, keep eating, look normal. 333 00:13:15,924 --> 00:13:16,924 Hey, man, come on in. 334 00:13:17,076 --> 00:13:18,142 Sorry about that. 335 00:13:18,210 --> 00:13:19,477 Hey, you got a nice little setup there, huh? 336 00:13:19,545 --> 00:13:22,846 Just sittin' there, watchin' the pretty girls walk by? 337 00:13:22,914 --> 00:13:24,298 It's at the top of the stairs. 338 00:13:24,366 --> 00:13:25,466 Great. 339 00:13:25,534 --> 00:13:27,702 What are you, blind?! 340 00:13:29,972 --> 00:13:32,573 Uh... football referee's... 341 00:13:32,641 --> 00:13:33,974 Blind. 342 00:13:34,042 --> 00:13:35,476 I like your coat. 343 00:13:37,112 --> 00:13:39,763 I like your pants. I'm holly. Hi! 344 00:13:39,831 --> 00:13:40,564 Hi. 345 00:13:43,802 --> 00:13:45,303 Ok. Go. Go! 346 00:13:45,370 --> 00:13:46,570 Deac, you go, too. Check on him. 347 00:13:46,638 --> 00:13:47,771 Ok, ok. 348 00:13:52,311 --> 00:13:53,411 What's he doin'? 349 00:13:55,147 --> 00:13:56,180 Number one. 350 00:14:01,086 --> 00:14:03,020 Jeez, what'd he have, a big gulp? 351 00:14:04,589 --> 00:14:07,091 Now he's washin' his hands. How many psycho killers you know 352 00:14:07,159 --> 00:14:08,492 wash their hands after they pee? 353 00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:09,526 Couldn't tell you. 354 00:14:09,594 --> 00:14:10,761 He's comin'. 355 00:14:10,829 --> 00:14:12,363 Uh, there. How's that? 356 00:14:12,431 --> 00:14:13,531 Is that any better? 357 00:14:13,598 --> 00:14:14,765 Uh, up a little on the left. 358 00:14:14,833 --> 00:14:16,134 All right, there you go. 359 00:14:16,201 --> 00:14:17,334 Now, stop worryin' about our pictures 360 00:14:17,402 --> 00:14:18,569 and enjoy your dinner already. 361 00:14:18,637 --> 00:14:20,204 Well, now I can. 362 00:14:28,780 --> 00:14:30,481 Well, thanks a lot. 363 00:14:30,549 --> 00:14:32,149 Sorry to disturb your dinner. 364 00:14:32,217 --> 00:14:33,868 What? No, no, no, no. 365 00:14:36,121 --> 00:14:37,688 Hey, mister. Mister. 366 00:14:37,755 --> 00:14:39,056 Major? Why do you 367 00:14:39,124 --> 00:14:41,875 have to be outside? Are you a pirate? 368 00:14:41,943 --> 00:14:44,545 Yes. Yes, I am a pirate. 369 00:14:44,613 --> 00:14:47,515 I just came ashore for a few days to fix my ship. 370 00:14:47,583 --> 00:14:49,217 Can you fix my game boy? 371 00:14:49,284 --> 00:14:51,786 Major, leave the man alone. He's... 372 00:14:51,853 --> 00:14:53,087 Busy. 373 00:14:54,639 --> 00:14:55,673 Let me see. 374 00:14:56,909 --> 00:14:58,409 Oh, you might just need to poke 375 00:14:58,476 --> 00:15:01,312 the little reset button with somethin' sharp. 376 00:15:01,379 --> 00:15:02,079 Ca- 377 00:15:07,752 --> 00:15:09,687 there you go. Good as new. 378 00:15:09,754 --> 00:15:10,855 Thanks. 379 00:15:15,844 --> 00:15:18,028 Ok. Well, I guess I'll go back out there. 380 00:15:25,103 --> 00:15:26,904 All right, this is ridiculous. 381 00:15:26,971 --> 00:15:28,906 The guy's obviously harmless. 382 00:15:28,973 --> 00:15:30,541 You don't know that. 383 00:15:30,609 --> 00:15:32,760 He just fixed a child's game boy and washed his hands after making. 384 00:15:32,828 --> 00:15:34,562 How much proof do we need?! 385 00:15:34,630 --> 00:15:36,613 Hey, no amount of proof is gonna change my gut 386 00:15:36,681 --> 00:15:38,715 tellin' me this guy isn't right. 387 00:15:38,783 --> 00:15:39,700 Oh, will you knock it off? 388 00:15:39,768 --> 00:15:41,068 It's not this guy you're scared of. 389 00:15:41,136 --> 00:15:42,236 It's the whole world! 390 00:15:42,303 --> 00:15:44,538 That's why the subway's a perfect job for you. 391 00:15:44,606 --> 00:15:46,173 You can hide in your little glass booth all day. 392 00:15:46,241 --> 00:15:47,608 Do they even need you, by the way, 393 00:15:47,676 --> 00:15:49,376 with the whole Metro card thing? 394 00:15:49,444 --> 00:15:51,929 Shut up. Shut up! 395 00:15:53,932 --> 00:15:55,366 What are you doin'? 396 00:15:55,434 --> 00:15:56,467 You know what? If we're not letting him in here, 397 00:15:56,535 --> 00:15:57,668 I'm goin' out there. 398 00:15:57,736 --> 00:15:59,053 That's what happened 399 00:15:59,121 --> 00:16:00,087 on the first Thanksgiving. The pilgrims 400 00:16:00,239 --> 00:16:01,706 didn't know the Indians, but they decided 401 00:16:01,773 --> 00:16:04,007 to trust them and bring them food. 402 00:16:04,075 --> 00:16:07,394 Yes, and then the Indians scalped them. 403 00:16:07,462 --> 00:16:10,681 I think you both have the story pretty wrong. 404 00:16:10,748 --> 00:16:11,982 You know what? The point is, 405 00:16:12,050 --> 00:16:13,718 sometimes you gotta do the right thing, 406 00:16:13,785 --> 00:16:15,986 and that's exactly what I'm doin' - the right thing. 407 00:16:16,054 --> 00:16:18,322 And I don't care if I have to do it alone! 408 00:16:19,891 --> 00:16:21,425 Deac, could you, uh, help me with the door handles? 409 00:16:24,396 --> 00:16:25,362 Thank you! 410 00:16:26,831 --> 00:16:28,332 Do you want to just grab my jacket? Oh. 411 00:16:29,734 --> 00:16:30,667 Yeah. 412 00:16:30,735 --> 00:16:32,169 Thank you! 413 00:16:35,590 --> 00:16:37,392 You know what? I agree with Doug. 414 00:16:37,459 --> 00:16:39,660 I mean, it really is the right thing to do, 415 00:16:39,728 --> 00:16:43,864 and I think when you have a chance to do... 416 00:16:43,932 --> 00:16:46,200 To do the right thing, you should do it. You know? 417 00:16:46,268 --> 00:16:47,668 'Cause at the end of the day, 418 00:16:47,736 --> 00:16:49,253 the, uh... The right thing... 419 00:16:50,555 --> 00:16:52,256 Is right. Ok. 420 00:16:54,159 --> 00:16:55,092 I'm just gonna... 421 00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:57,228 Take this wine with me, too. 422 00:16:57,295 --> 00:16:59,046 We wanna go, too, mama! 423 00:16:59,081 --> 00:17:01,365 Yeah! We wanna eat with the pirate! 424 00:17:01,433 --> 00:17:02,666 No. Absolutely not. 425 00:17:02,734 --> 00:17:04,368 Dad, can we? 426 00:17:04,436 --> 00:17:07,371 Um... look, maybe it's all right. 427 00:17:07,439 --> 00:17:09,039 That man could be dangerous! 428 00:17:09,107 --> 00:17:11,208 I know, but they're just gonna keep nagging. 429 00:17:14,112 --> 00:17:15,913 Deacon, that's not a good enough reason. 430 00:17:15,981 --> 00:17:17,481 You know, maybe we should take them out there. Ok? 431 00:17:17,549 --> 00:17:19,550 I mean, look, do you want 'em to grow up to be afraid of the world? 432 00:17:19,617 --> 00:17:21,452 They could end up like... like... 433 00:17:21,519 --> 00:17:22,719 Uhh... 434 00:17:26,308 --> 00:17:27,608 Ok, coats and mittens. 435 00:17:27,676 --> 00:17:29,377 Yay! Yay! 436 00:17:29,444 --> 00:17:31,078 All right. But if you guys go outside, 437 00:17:31,145 --> 00:17:34,298 you can say good-bye to desserts. I'm serious. 438 00:17:36,968 --> 00:17:38,168 They're right. 439 00:17:39,604 --> 00:17:41,038 All of them. I... 440 00:17:41,105 --> 00:17:43,207 I am afraid of the world. 441 00:17:43,274 --> 00:17:46,510 I sit behind my bulletproof glass every day, 442 00:17:46,578 --> 00:17:50,180 all day, and... My only thought is... 443 00:17:50,248 --> 00:17:53,016 God, I hope the glass really is bulletproof. 444 00:17:56,120 --> 00:17:58,889 Well, I'm through living in fear! 445 00:17:58,956 --> 00:18:00,658 I'm going out there, damn it! 446 00:18:03,895 --> 00:18:05,896 You're... coming, too, right, Lou? 447 00:18:07,899 --> 00:18:09,317 I have to follow my heart. 448 00:18:09,384 --> 00:18:11,718 Yeah. Follow your friggin' heart, Lou. 449 00:18:14,072 --> 00:18:17,040 Oh, come on, baby! Go! Go, go, go! 450 00:18:17,108 --> 00:18:19,760 No one to beat but the kicker! Go! 451 00:18:19,828 --> 00:18:20,895 Oh, my God! 452 00:18:20,963 --> 00:18:23,497 How do you get tackled by a guy from Sweden?! 453 00:18:28,236 --> 00:18:30,270 Ohhh! God! 454 00:18:33,175 --> 00:18:34,175 Where is everybody? 455 00:18:35,944 --> 00:18:37,594 Ahh, don't worry about them. It's just you and me, 456 00:18:37,662 --> 00:18:39,396 Danny boy. What do you need? Stuffing? 457 00:18:39,464 --> 00:18:41,065 Uh... broccoli? 458 00:18:41,132 --> 00:18:43,034 Nah. Just lost a fortune. 459 00:18:43,101 --> 00:18:44,902 Need some air. 460 00:19:03,503 --> 00:19:05,037 I can't believe that. 461 00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:07,957 Live and learn, huh? Yeah. 462 00:19:08,025 --> 00:19:10,492 Uh, I... I haven't seen 'em for years. 463 00:19:10,561 --> 00:19:11,561 Um... hi. 464 00:19:13,229 --> 00:19:17,266 I just wanted to tell you, Mr. stranger... 465 00:19:17,333 --> 00:19:19,068 That I was the, uh, the main person 466 00:19:19,136 --> 00:19:21,170 who didn't want you to come in tonight. 467 00:19:22,606 --> 00:19:25,875 I guess I've just never been a... a trusting person. 468 00:19:25,943 --> 00:19:28,795 I'm one of those few people who, um... 469 00:19:28,862 --> 00:19:31,430 Actually uses the atm rearview mirror. 470 00:19:33,233 --> 00:19:34,333 Anyway... 471 00:19:34,401 --> 00:19:36,685 In the true spirit of Thanksgiving, 472 00:19:36,753 --> 00:19:38,955 I'd like to invite you inside with us. 473 00:19:40,157 --> 00:19:42,158 For the rest of our dinner, if you'd like. 474 00:19:43,927 --> 00:19:46,362 Well, I... I don't, uh... know what to say. 475 00:19:46,429 --> 00:19:49,198 I mean... before any of you came out, 476 00:19:49,266 --> 00:19:51,400 I was thinkin' about how nice you people were... 477 00:19:51,468 --> 00:19:54,971 Just to let a perfect stranger use your phone and your bathroom 478 00:19:55,038 --> 00:19:56,873 and to wait out here on your porch? 479 00:19:56,940 --> 00:19:59,475 I certainly never expected any of this. 480 00:19:59,542 --> 00:20:03,045 I - I'd just love to make a toast to you... 481 00:20:03,113 --> 00:20:04,646 A Thanksgiving toast. 482 00:20:04,714 --> 00:20:05,615 That'd be great. 483 00:20:05,766 --> 00:20:07,100 Absolutely. Yeah. 484 00:20:07,167 --> 00:20:09,468 Whoops. There's my buddy's car right now, 485 00:20:09,536 --> 00:20:11,003 stoppin' at that traffic light. 486 00:20:11,071 --> 00:20:12,788 I recognize the bad paint job. 487 00:20:14,090 --> 00:20:15,458 Uh, we got a long drive, 488 00:20:15,525 --> 00:20:17,259 so if I could just use your bathroom one more time, 489 00:20:17,327 --> 00:20:18,760 then I'll make my toast and be on my way? 490 00:20:18,828 --> 00:20:20,429 Oh. Absolutely. Sure. 491 00:20:20,497 --> 00:20:22,231 I'll get the wine poured in the meantime. 492 00:20:22,299 --> 00:20:23,599 Can I have some wine? 493 00:20:23,667 --> 00:20:25,701 Sure you can... In about 14 years. 494 00:20:30,907 --> 00:20:33,126 See? Turns out he's a great guy. 495 00:20:33,193 --> 00:20:35,962 And you want to hear the kicker? Jets fan. Oh. 496 00:20:36,029 --> 00:20:38,196 Hey, holly, did you get his number yet? 497 00:20:38,264 --> 00:20:39,932 Uh, no, not yet, but when he comes back out, 498 00:20:39,999 --> 00:20:42,602 if you all could just talk amongst yourselves... ohhh... 499 00:20:42,669 --> 00:20:44,069 You bad girl. 500 00:20:44,137 --> 00:20:46,071 All I can say... This has 501 00:20:46,139 --> 00:20:48,124 turned out to be one of the nicest thanksgivings 502 00:20:48,191 --> 00:20:49,358 I've ever had. 503 00:20:49,425 --> 00:20:50,742 Ohhh... Ohhh... 504 00:20:52,095 --> 00:20:53,428 Hey, here comes his friend. 505 00:20:53,496 --> 00:20:54,529 The guy caught a break. 506 00:20:54,597 --> 00:20:55,931 There's a parking space right in front. 507 00:21:13,783 --> 00:21:15,084 Crap! 508 00:21:17,554 --> 00:21:19,722 He got our silverware, our stereo, 509 00:21:19,789 --> 00:21:22,208 her purse, her purse, and his little TV. 510 00:21:23,476 --> 00:21:25,544 Told you he wouldn't kill us. 511 00:21:31,084 --> 00:21:33,519 I will wait for you. I promise. 512 00:21:33,586 --> 00:21:36,372 But in the meantime, um... 513 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:39,141 Can I get my purse back? 36246

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