Original subtitles

Hey, stud, we gettin' dinner anytime soon?

Oh, yeah. Lookin' good.

We got burger, burger, chicken...

And their sickly cousin tofu dog.

Look at this.

You guys are back together.

We're all back together again.

How great is this?

Yeah. Next time either one of you

feels like your marriage is broken and empty,

walk it off.

Uh, grill went out again.

Is it? That's it. Care, let's just get a new grill.

We don't need a new grill.

Just do that thing you do to start it up again.

You mean crank up the gas, throw on a match,

and dive behind the trash cans?

Yeah, that.

Come on, let's just get a new one.

I just saw in a catalog for 500 bucks

you can get ones with personalized grates,

and you can burn your own logo into the meat.

Knicks, jets, islanders.

Stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Ok, tell me you wouldn't love the maybelline logo

seared right into your pork chop.

Just light it!

Fine. Deac, help me out, would you?

Yeah.

Hey, guess who I have an appointment with tomorrow at 10:15?

Who?

Your fancy gynecologist.

Dr. Crawford. You got in.

Yup. Thanks to your referral

and a year on the waiting list.

So, I'm really gonna love him?

Carrie, there are no words.

I mean, it's like you're not even at an appointment.

It's like you're having lunch.

I can't wait.

I can't tell you how many jerks I've been to.

I mean, they keep you waiting,

they keep their offices at 18 degrees.

You know that one guy was actually on the phone,

pricing jaguars while I was...

Ok, you ready? Here we go. All right.

Get set.

Did it light?

I have no idea.

I see a little, but I'm not sure if it's-

aah!

Oh, God!

That's it! We're getting a new grill!

We don't need a new grill. You just did it wrong.

I don't have any eyebrows!

All right. We'll get you a new grill, you whiner.

And it's out again.

Deac, just give me a hand. We'll nuke this stuff.

All right.

Thanks.

Hey, Danny.

Hi.

Oh, hey.

Hey. So, what's goin' on?

You barbecuin'? Havin' a little party?

No, it's just us and Deacon and Kelly.

Oh, I get it. It's a couples thing.

So if I was dating someone, I would've been invited.

Uh... yeah. Sure.

Cool. Another time, then.

Anyway, I don't wanna hold you up.

Just wanted you guys to be the first to know

that I am jumping back into the small business world.

Great. You got the bankruptcy paperwork

already filled out or-

would you stop it?

What are you doing, hon?

Gonna be doin' a little landscaping on the side,

like I did in college.

Just, uh, dropping off some fliers around the neighborhood.

Thought maybe you guys would hand out a few to your friends.

Oh.

"The garden of weedin'."

What does that mean? You put weeds into people's gardens?

No, no. I take 'em out. It's a good thing.

Why would you even wanna call attention to weeds?

Ok, you're overthinking it. It's catchy.

It is. And you've seen his patio.

It's gorgeous.

I'd be happy to pass some of these out.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Ok, we are good to go.

Cool. Okay. Make some room.

Whoa! Somethin' smelling good around here, huh?

What've you got, there? Some burgers, some chicken?

All right. I'll let you get to it.

Ok. Good to see you, Danny.

Bye-bye.

And that's it. We're done here.

Shut up.

It's over?

Yes, ma'am.

My God. The time just flew by.

Well, I'm glad to hear it wasn't too bad for you.

Are you kidding me? The classical music,

the fur-lined stirrups, and this...

This gown! What is this, Egyptian cotton?

300-thread count.

Well, can I, like, buy one?

Do you have a gift shop here or something?

Hey, you're funny.

And, if I might add, you have a fabulous uterus to boot.

Thank you.

Dr. Crawford.

Uh, yes, Marilyn?

Your 11:00 just called. She's gonna be late.

Sheila carrasco again?

Yeah.

Tell her she doesn't need to bother coming in today,

and she can use the time

to find another gynecologist.

So, Carrie,

do you have any other questions for me,

or anything else you'd like to discuss?

Well, I'm guessing I shouldn't be late for my next appointment.

It's not ideal.

Ok. Let me just make a few notes in your chart here.

All right.

You mind if I move your purse?

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

"The garden of weedin'."

What is this, a landscaper?

Yeah, it's my husband's cousin.

Oh. Is he good?

Well, he's just, uh,

getting back into the business,

but he has a real knack for it.

Huh. That could really work out well for me.

We need a little work done on our front yard.

But I only wanna spend $500.

Give him a call. Take a flier.

Great. Thanks.

Feel free to help yourself

to an ice-blended coffee on your way out.

You know that's not a TV you're watching, right?

Ha ha ha! Good one.

Actually, for your information,

I'm on-line doing a little research.

"Adventures in meat.Com."

It's the charmaster web site.

I'm taking a virtual tour of the 6-burner platinum edition.

Where's the grill?

We're in it. It's a steak-eye view.

Look at this. We're zooming into the drip tray

and back up to the lava rocks.

Drip tray, lava rocks.

Feels sexy, don't it?

Would you just pick one of these freaking things

and just buy it?

Hello?

Oh, hi, Dr. Crawford.

Look. Look. Look. Sauce warmer.

Corn-cob caddy.

Shh! It's my new gynecologist.

Hey, Doug. Is Arthur home?

No, he's out now.

Oh, ok. Can you see that he gets this?

A slim-Jim?

Yeah. Yeah, he brought one on our walk today,

and a couple of the dogs tag-teamed him

and took it away.

You made a special trip for this?

He was pretty insistent.

Ok, I'll pass it on.

Great, thanks.

Oh, hey, hol. Hey.

That was Dr. Crawford calling to tell me

what a great job Danny did on his front yard.

I guess somebody was wrong about him.

Ok, my idiot cousin can dig a ditch.

Oh, how I've misjudged him.

Did you just say Dr. Crawford,

as in Dr. Roy Crawford?

Is he your gynecologist?

Yeah.

Gosh, I hear he's the best.

I mean, is there any way you could get me in?

Why? What's wrong with your guy?

Dr. ambrose? Well, I saw him a couple of times,

and then he kept calling me late at night.

I mean, is there any way you could

put in a good word for me with Crawford?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Um.

No. No.

Well- I can't.

If you just- I don't want to.

It won't take 2 seconds.

I just don't want to.

Ok, thank you. Ok. All right.

Thanks very much. Thanks.

Your boyfriend's here.

Hey, what's up?

Just came by to thank you

for hooking me up with the good doctor.

Oh, yeah! I just got off the phone with him.

He's thrilled.

I know.

And as a token of my appreciation,

I bought you a prunus persica.

Or, as you kids call it, an apple tree.

Sweet. You can never have too many apples.

And you're gonna be buried in them in about 18 years.

Well, I'm glad this worked out.

Yeah. Thanks to you, I'm really getting legit here.

Like an actual business!

Dr. Crawford will receive his bill

on official garden of weedin' stationery.

Look, I even got my own logo.

Is that a drawing of you naked?

No, that's me with a really big green thumb.

Wait a minute. This bill is for $958.

Yeah? So? So?

He only wanted to spend $500.

The job ran over. It happens.

Ok. He's gonna freak out when he sees this.

He can freak out all he wants.

He got his hedges. Now I gets my cabbage.

Yeah, and he drops me as a patient

'cause he's gonna blame me for this.

Oh, come on. No, I'm serious.

You don't cross this guy, ok?

Sorry, pal. You're only charging him $500.

I can't do that.

You're doing it.

I can't! I already owe it all!

I got all these plants on credit from the nursery.

I gotta pay my workers.

This thing alone was $63.

You charged him for my apple tree?!

It's how the business works!

You're a moron!

Don't let me bother you, kids.

Just measuring out a new spot for my grill.

Sorry, Carrie. The bill is what it is, all right?

I'm not doing this for charity. I'm a businessman.

Well, fine. I'm just gonna call him and tell him not to pay you.

Well, then, I'll sue him.

Or, better yet, I'll go to his house

and rip out all my plants.

Pardon me.

I can't believe you!

Yeah, well, believe it, baby.

I'm gonna lose my gynecologist.

Holly's guy sounded pretty good.

Hey, hon.

Watching a Western?

Yeah.

Who made saloon furniture?

Never really held up during a fight.

And those banisters,

what's the point of even having one?

Ha ha!

That's why I love you. I never know what you're gonna say.

Okay, what do you want?

Here's the thing.

I don't know if you heard

what went down with Danny and I,

but it turns out he's gonna overcharge my gynecologist

by, like, $400.

Yeah?

Ok, now, I'm just throwing this out there, ok?

I'm just spitballing. I want you to keep an open mind, all right?

I want us to pay the extra $400.

Ok, cool. All right.

So I'm just gonna go scoot on down

to the atm, all right?

And I'll see you in a minute.

Saloon furniture. You're crazy, man!

Hey! Hey!

You don't gotta go to the atm,

I got it right here. I got it right here.

Not a problem.

Here it is, 100, 200, 300,

no hundred ever.

Come on, Doug!

No, it's insane. I'm not paying for Danny's screwup.

Let Danny pay for it.

He can't pay for it. He doesn't have the money.

Besides, he's a loose Cannon.

He could freak out and leave a dead shrub in the guy's bed.

Let me just get the 500 from Crawford,

put it in with our money,

and I'll give it all to Danny.

Nobody has to know anything, and everybody's happy.

Except for chubby.

Doug... please.

I cannot lose this gynecologist.

What is it about this guy?

What-what goes on in that room?

I don't know. It's everything.

I mean, even the lighting in there, Doug.

I stayed after to redo my makeup,

and it came out perfect.

Well, maybe losing your gynecologist is a good lesson for you.

Maybe next time you wanna do something nice for Danny,

you'll think to yourself, "ooh. Last time I did this,

I lost my gynecologist."

Look, I know in a logical world, it makes no sense,

but I think if you were a woman, you would understand.

Even if we do pay the 400 bucks,

that's all the extra money we got lying around, you know?

How am I gonna pay for my grill?

Yeah.

Oh... my God.

Come on. We'll just cancel the new one,

and I'll light the old one.

You never have to touch it.

Great, so I'll still have my crappy old grill

and a wife with a smoking head.

Sorry, toots. Ain't gonna happen.

Hey. Uh, I gotta talk to you about this danny/ gynecologist thing.

Hey, did you hear about that? Carrie wants us

to pay $400 to Danny, man. Freakin' crazy.

Yeah, crazy.

I'm gonna need you to pay that.

What? Why should I pay it?

Because your cousin was referred

to Dr. Crawford by your wife,

who was referred by my wife,

and now my wife's hysterical

that if this thing blows up,

she's going down with Carrie.

What is wrong with you people?

Look, all I know is I just got back together with Kelly.

I don't need her running around

crying about losing her gynecologist.

Sorry, dude, I can't do it.

Oh, you're doing it.

Oh, really? You're gonna make me?

Maybe I will.

All right, then let's go.

Ow!

You said let's go!

Did not expect that!

I'm sorry, man.

Look, I'm just trying to put my marriage back together here.

Fine! I'll do it.

Thank you.

What is it with this doctor?

What do they love so much about him?

I don't know. He-he's soothing.

He puts them at ease.

He's like the vagina whisperer.

Hey.

How's it going?

Don't worry. Nobody's trying to light you.

Just gonna check out your gas flow.

So... how about them Knicks, huh?

I tell you, I think this year

they're looking pretty good if they-

I will see you in hell.

Hi, honey. What are you doing?

Oh, just trying to cook dinner and not die.

Look, I know you hate this grill,

but everything worked out great.

Danny thinks Dr. Crawford paid for the whole thing.

Dr. Crawford thinks he only paid $500.

It's over. And I promise you next year,

I will buy you an even better grill.

Stop saying grill.

All right, I'm gonna go cook this meat inside, ok?

Aah!

Honey, there's a message on the machine.

Did you check it? No!

Greetings, Americans,

and welcome to today's moron report.

Seems Dr. Crawford was so happy with the job

this moron did in his front yard

that he just hired him to do his whole backyard.

Huh! Guess he didn't have any problem

with the $900 after all.

Ooh! File this under "burned."

Ow! What was that for?

You're gonna call Dr. Crawford.

You're gonna tell him you're sick, tell him you died,

tell him you sliced off your foot with a garden weasel.

Just get out of it.

Why should I get out of it? The guy loves me.

He couldn't have been happier with the job I did.

Because he thought it cost $500.

What are you talking about? He paid me 900.

No, he paid you 500,

and Doug and I paid the rest out of our pockets.

You did? Yeah.

So Crawford thought I did all that work for just 500?

Again, yeah.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh? Uh-oh what?

W - well, I thought he was fine paying double the estimate,

so I thought I'd give triple a shot.

Oh, my God! You are the stupidest person alive!

I don't suppose you guys would be willing

to pay the difference one more time, would you?

Ow! Same one!

Would you please get your goldfish out of my bathtub?

All right, they're not goldfish, ok?

They're Japanese kol,

and they're really expensive, so hands off.

Whoa, whoa. Are those kol for Dr. Crawford?

Yeah. Did he ask for kol?

Not in so many words.

It's one word!

About my bath?

Is this the way you take a bath?

Yeah.

You look like Ernie from sesame street.

What did I do to you?

I don't. - nothing. I'm sorry.

What was I thinking?

I- I can't run a business.

Oh, man! Why did I listen to that fortune cookie?!

I hate me!

All right, all right! Pull yourself together here.

Call Dr. Crawford. I will dial.

All right, but I'll tell you right now.

He's gonna be pretty pissed.

I already dug up his yard

and I may have cut his phone line.

Ok, Danny. I guess you have to go through with this.

But here's how it's gonna go down.

Look at me. I can't.

Look at me!

You're gonna give him

exactly what he asked for

for exactly the amount you told him it was gonna cost,

and it's gonna be friggin' gorgeous,

or I'm gonna give you a gynecological exam.

Yeah.

It was funny.

Hey, nice job up there

with the karaoke, my friend.

Oh, thanks, man. And I wasn't just talking smack.

You do have Bette Davis eyes.

Carrie, this is Dr. Crawford.

Sorry about the connection. I'm on my cell.

Something's wrong with my home phone.

Anyway, I'm just calling

because Danny dug up my yard,

but I haven't been able to get a hold of him since.

I'm going out of town tonight until Monday,

but if you speak to him, please leave me a message.

Thanks. Bye!

You let your cousin do another job for him?

I didn't know until after he started it.

Well, where is he?

Ok. It's 1 A.M. I'm standing in your gynecologist's backyard

planting a pear tree.

That's right. And after this,

we have a whole row of morning glories to plant,

so keep it moving.

Why the hell am I pushing the damn wheelbarrow?

He's your doctor!

Just keep it down. How's it going?

Not good. I don't know what I'm looking at here.

I think I'm gonna cry.

Deacon, what are you doing?

Relax. The guy's out of town.

I just want to check out his place.

What's he got going on in there?

Oh, my God! He's got vaginas in jars!

I think those are peaches.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Can you guys get back to work, please?

Aw, man.

I never felt like less of a man in my life.

Oh, this is just a joke!

Turn it off!

I don't know where. - It's probably on a timer!

You guys, don't worry about it. Just keep digging.

What?! What? It's just water!

What are you, a big baby?

Oh, my God, look at this!

He's got the charmaster 8000! He's got my grill!

With a patriots logo! That is so wrong!

And that's it.

We are done here.

Really?

Wow. That was delightful.

Super.

I can't tell you how happy I am

that I don't have to go to Dr. ambrose anymore.

Thank you so much for fitting me in.

Well, normally you'd have to wait at least a year,

but you called on the right day.

I came home early from my vacation last night

and found 2 of my patients

soaking wet, standing in a hole in my backyard

slapping each other. Can you imagine?

There are a lot of sick people in this world.

Hello?

Hello, Carrie?

This is Dr. ambrose.

Oh, hi.

What's up?