Original subtitles

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

We are making our descent into Los Angeles right now.

We hope you had a pleasant trip

and that you`ll be flying to Hawaii

with us again soon.

Have a nice day.

Mahalo.

As you see, nothing`s changed around here.

l really appreciate your taking my patients while l was away, Normie.

Come on. What`s a partner for?

Well, a partner`s to take an occasional weekend,

l took three months in the islands.

What`s that? What?

That thing on your face. What is that?

You like it?

Yeah. What`re you doing, changing your lifestyle?

I'm so sorry. Dr. Solomon, I'm sorry.

Hi, Lani.

Dr. Nichols?

Wow, l didn`t even recogniZe you.

I'm really sorry about your wife.

Oh, thanks. Thank you very much.

That`s very thoughtful of you.

That`s a dynamite beard.

Ah, you like it?

Uh, did you get the little card l sent you?

I certainly did.

That was very thoughtful of you.

So, uh, how`s it going?

Your patient`s expiring, Lani.

Oh, right!

Uh, by the way, I'm only working days now.

What, uh, little card?

Here they are.

All from women?

Almost all of them from unattached women.

I also got several house plants, a carrot cake

and some baked breasts of chicken

packed in dry ice.

Dear Charles,

if there is ever anything I can do to help,

anything at all,

for I too know what it is to be lonely,

please do not hesitate to call.

Sincerely, Tracy Roberts.

Jesus, she even gives her work, home,

and answering-service numbers.

Sure you didn`t murder Emily?

And there`s twice as much mail at home.

Good looking, presentable,

widows, singles, divorcees,

practically all of them young, young, young.

Charley, you`re embarrassing.

I mean, you`re such a cliche.

Here you are, a middle-aged man,

suddenly finds himself alone, grows a beard,

goes berserk with his sexual fantasies.

Please, stop with the Psychology 101 .

ln all your life, you never screwed around.

ln all my life, I never had a chance.

My last actual date was 1945.

August, 1945.

When I was married at 21, l was a virgin.

I knew there was something wrong with you.

So now you`re gonna make up for lost time?

I sure as hell am going to try.

You want to know what I think? No.

Your eyes are bigger than your putZ.

Dr. Griffin,

I have a long-distance call.

Dr. Griffin,

I have a long-distance call.

Dr. Willoughby.

Huh?

Your watch is buZZing.

What`s that?

I said, how are you feeling?

Fine, fine.

All right, now quit lollygagging.

This is a hospital, not a pool hall.

Good morning!

Good morning! Good Morning!

How are we getting on? Comfy, I see.

Ah, yes, excellent, excellent.

I'm Dr. Willoughby.

I took care of you after the accident.

No, no, no. No, that`s quite all right.

No thanks necessary.

Well, I must be getting out.

I want you to try to get some rest, Mrs., uh, Kensington--

No! Oh, Kensington, no, no.

That`s the name of the hospital, isn`t it?

Kensington General.

Ah, yes, of course, Mrs. Atkinson.

You should be out of here in no time, Mrs. Atkinson.

Just keep smiling. Have a nice day.

Going out for lunch, going out for dinner.

The whole day is craZy.

Listen, why don`t you knock off early tonight,

and we`ll have a couple drinks?

Adrienne and l are taking the kids to the ice show.

You want to double?

What is that? A Vincent Price movie?

What the hell happened in there?

A domestic accident. Brought in last night.

Who put that thing on him?

lt`s a her, and I'll give you three guesses.

Willoughby?

Holy jumping catfish.

Who let the old fart into the operating room?

The surgeon on duty was probably off schtupping the night nurse.

So who`s gonna stop him? Some intern?

This is our distinguished Chief of Staff.

Jesus! What a place. The Chief of Staff is senile

and the Chief of Medicine is 10 years older.

Look at this:

Hairline mandibular fracture.

Simplest thing in the world. Two bits of wire, she`s as good as new.

My God! Nobody`s used a contraption like that in 50 years.

Well, look at the bright side.

Usually, when Willoughby doesn`t know what to do,

he removes a gallbladder.

I'm gonna go in there and take it off.

Are you nuts?

Twelve more hours in that thing,

that woman will be talking through her ears.

That`s Willoughby`s patient.

So? He`ll haul me in front of the Ethics Committee?

At most, take away your license.

The least, get you kicked off staff.

Would you like it if some other doctor grabbed your patient?

Well, that`s different.

Oh! Depends on where you sit, doesn`t it, Charley?

Come on, don`t be a fool.

Well, maybe you`re right.

Damn. lt`s a shame.

Probably a very attractive woman. Was, anyway.

Come on, Charley, she won`t die of it.

You know, she`ll spend the rest of her life

eating over her shoulder.

I wonder if I should talk to Willoughby.

ln what language?

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Norman? Yes.

What if there was a surgeon

whose wife recently passed away

and he came back to work too soon

not knowing that he was still in a state

of deep emotional shock?

You`ve been in the sun too long, Charley.

Now, this fellow would never take

another doctor`s patients knowingly.

But this time, deranged with grief...

That`s what you`ll tell Willoughby?

No, you are. Oh, Charley!

You can do it, Norman. Just be charming.

Hi, I'm Dr. Nichols.

Mrs. Ann Atkinson.

Ann, what I'm going to do

is take that football helmet right off your head. Okay?

lt`s done its work. Just relax.

So much for the preliminary part of your treatment.

Now, your injury, thank God, isn`t too serious.

Yeah, feels better, doesn`t it?

What I propose to do

is to insert a piece of wire on either side

until your jaw heals.

lt won`t be noticeable,

and we`ll take it out within two or three weeks.

That is, if you`d like me to do it.

Dr. Erlich, call extension 216.

Dr. Erlich, 216.

No fart? Oh, old fart.

Okay. No, I won`t let the old fart anywhere near you.

I promise.

Now, as I say, this is a simple procedure.

Nevertheless, it`s surgery,

and we should notify your husband.

Oh, he`s dead?

Wounded?

Uh, divorced? Mmm.

Kids?

Boy?

Shall I call him?

Okay. You`re the boss.

Uh, let`s see.

No allergies,

blood type O.

Ah, I never would have guessed.

You don`t look a day over 30, uh....

All right, you could get away with that.

Course, you have a little tissue breakdown

around the jowl department.

But that`s to be expected at your age.

I've got an idea. While you`re on the table,

why don`t I take in a tuck here and a tuck there?

I'll be in the neighborhood.

Okay, if you want to go through life

looking like a chipmunk, that`s your hang-up.

No. Try not to laugh.

That`s not good for you.

Hello. This is Dr. Nichols. l...

Fine.

Uh, no, thanks very much. That`s very kind of you.

Thank you.

Listen, I want to prepare a patient

for surgery this afternoon.

What have you got open?

Great, thanks.

We`re all set.

Nice chatting with you.

Please, Dr. Willoughby, please.

Listen to me.

He stole my patient.

Wait a second. Amos.

Ever since his wife died,

he`s been deranged with grief.

Bullshit.

There`s such a thing as ethics, Dr. Silverman.

Solomon. Huh?

Solomon. My name is Norman Solomon.

Who`s Silverman?

An endocrinologist.

Hasn`t been here in five years.

A what?

A gland man.

Oh, yes. Yes! Thyroid and all that.

Charley Nichols is the finest surgeon on the staff.

That`s a moot point.

He made an ass out of me. I'm gonna file a complaint.

End of discussion. Believe me,

he didn`t consciously make an ass out of you.

He`s been under tremendous stress lately.

Charley has the highest regard for you.

Do you know what he calls you?

Yes.

He calls me the old fart.

No, sir. Not Charley.

He calls you Golden Hands Willoughby.

Golden Hands? Yes, sir.

Silverman, you`re a goddamn liar.

Solomon.

Solomon, Silverman,

what difference does it make?

We`re all the same.

That`s why I think there should only be one blood type.

Type O.

Or A.

This isn`t my car.

Why do all Cadillacs look alike?

This isn`t a Cadillac.

lt isn`t? Mmm-mmm.

Don`t think I don`t know what`s going on around here.

I've been watching you younger men cover up for me.

Don`t you think I did the same thing in my time?

Soon they`ll be doing it to you, too, Silverman. Don`t think they won`t.

My name is Solomon, and I'm sure you`re right.

Damn right, I'm right.

A man devotes his entire life to medicine,

he surely deserves a little something in return.

I agree with you 100 percent,

and I'm sure Charley feels the same way.

Believe me, Dr. Willoughby.

lf you`ll just let him stay on here,

you`ll always have a loyal friend.

How loyal?

How loyal do you want?

I'll tell you.

My term as Chief of Staff expires pretty soon.

September 15.

Stop counting the days, God damn it!

No, no, no Dr. Willoughby. I didn`t mean to imply...

You did too. Now, Listen carefully

I want another term.

But you said yourself, Charley was next in line.

Provided Charley`s still on the staff.

You want him not to run?

What good would that do?

You`ll never get the other guys to back you.

I believe that difficulty can be overcome.

How?

lf Charley were to nominate me.

Young man, I've got a pacemaker,

10 inches of plastic aorta,

a corneal transplant, a colostomy pouch,

one and one-quarter kidneys, a hearing aid,

and no prostate at all.

ln other words, Dr. Silverman,

if I'm elected for another five years,

the odds are that I will expire

before my term will.

I'll discuss it with Charley.

You do that.

Oh, shit!

God damn it! Whose car is that?

Mine.

So you don`t have to leave a note on the windshield.

Good. I hope you have insurance, Solomon, because I don`t.

Now the son of a bitch remembers my name.

On a clear night,

you can see all the way to Catalina.

When was the last clear night?

I don`t know. Before I moved in, I guess.

I can`t tell you how thrilled and surprised I was

that you called.

I can`t tell you how thrilled and surprised I was

that you answered.

You have a very infectious laugh.

Don`t worry.

That`s the only thing about me that is.

Ah, you`re a wonderful person.

Thank you.

You know, I'm really glad you enjoyed the concert.

I was a little worried.

l didn`t think you`d get off on his music.

Yeah, l enjoyed the experience immensely.

Before tonight, I'd never even

heard of a BoZ Scraggs.

Oh, BoZ Scaggs.

Would you like to hear some more of his music?

Oh, no, thank you. Thank you very much.

I've heard....

I've heard.... lt`s wonderful music.

l, uh.... lt`s so much to abs-absorb.

lt`s a nice pad you got here.

Oh, thank you.

Um, you haven`t even touched your wine.

Can l get you something else to drink?

Like orange juice, tomato, pineapple?

Prune?

Do you have any cranapple?

Uh, no, I'm sorry, l don`t.

Would you like some coke?

No, thank you.

lf you don`t have cranapple, I'll pass.

Would you like to dance?

Yeah. Oh, great!

You know, Dr. Nichols, you`re a wonderful dancer.

Thank you, very much. lt`s Charley.

You know, Charley, uh, you make me a little nervous.

Me? Why?

Uh, well, I've never been out with anyone like you before.

Well, residents and interns, sure, but, uh...

a famous surgeon....

Uh, may l ask you a favor?

Oh, sure. Anything, anything at all.

You, uh, you promise not to tell anybody at the hospital

that, uh, you balled me?

Missed the old chin, huh?

Hi, Normie.

Let me look at you. Why?

Why? Last night was your debut as Casanova, wasn`t it?

Well, how did it go?

l don`t know, but she laughed a lot.

Why are you losing the beard?

Apparently, l inflicted a third- degree whisker burn on the girl.

Oh, poor kid.

Yeah.

Actually, l was toying with the idea

of leaving the moustache on.

But then l thought it made me look sinister.

l don`t think sinister is a good image for a surgeon.

Gentlemen.

lrwin, what`s the problem?

Ah-ha, you guys.

Now, why do you always assume there`s a problem?

Because you run

one of the more inept hospitals

in all of southern California.

Look, l know you fellows are busy.

lf l can tear you away from your land investments and corporations,

l need a favor.

What`s more important? What`s the favor?

There`s a panel discussion on Channel 36 tomorrow

called How Healthy ls The Medical Profession?

How would we know?

They`ve asked us to send over one of our senior staff members,

and l thought, since you two are so articulate, that....

When did you shave the beard?

What beard?

What do you say, Charley?

lf one of us doesn`t go, who`s the backup?

Willoughby. l see what you mean.

Work it out.

Listen, what about the O`Neill play?

l think l got you an Easter special.

Another rabbit?

Don`t be nervous, Doc. lt`s public television.

Nobody will be watching.

That`s funny

and that`s a blessing, too.

How long you been in this racket?

Uh, about six years.

Who`s on this thing?

Uh, you from the medical profession

and a guy from Health, Education, and Welfare

and some broad representing the general public.

That`s me.

Remember me? Atkinson?

Mrs. Atkinson!

l haven`t seen you in a while.

l haven`t broken my jaw in a while.

You`ve shaved off your beard.

Oh, yes, yes. You remembered.

How are you feeling?

Fine. Thanks to you, just fine.

You on the panel, too? Yes.

How come?

I'm the obligatory bigmouth.

lt`s true. The producer`s a friend of mine.

He knows that if... Why are you staring at me?

Well, l haven`t seen you.... Excuse me a minute.

l haven`t seen you since l took the stitches out.

Hmm, it`s not bad.

Not bad?

l look fantastic.

Actually, I'm very glad to meet you

because l didn`t thank you properly for all you did.

Oh, come on.

You stuck your neck way out for me.

Nonsense.

My nurse told me they were laying odds of 2-to-1

that you`d be defrocked, or destethoscoped,

or whatever it is they do to doctors.

Quite a talker, your nurse.

Well, it`s sociable during an enema.

Showtime, folks.

Since the 19th century

and the advancement of medical science,

the physician has assumed

a godlike role in American society.

But whatever happened to the old family doctor?

Making house calls in the middle of the night,

driving through a bliZZard, the wind howling,

temperature way below Zero,

snow pelting down. What happened to him?

He caught cold and died, l suppose.

lt`s true. The old family practitioner is gone.

But it still takes incredible dedication to become a doctor today.

Yes, yes.

First, the difficulty of getting into medical school...

Yes. ln view of all this, what advice would you have

for a young person who wants to go into medicine?

My advice is always the same and always simple.

Marry money.

But seriously, Dr. Nichols.

What became of the house calI'`?

Listen, it`s a matter of practicality.

Are you serious?

lntensely, sir.

Well, today, you`ve got a situation

where a doctor can handle five patients in his office

in the same time it takes to make one house call.

Therefore, you have five people who are helped instead of one.

Also five people who are charged instead of one.

Beg your pardon?

l said, also five people who are charged.

Our mail in this area is--

l prefer to think of it as five patients being helped.

Do you indeed? Money, of course, is of no consequence.

Good medical care is not cheap.

Neither is bad medical care.

l read in a magaZine, over the past 20 years,

doctors have become the highest-paid income group

in the entire country.

Uh, Mrs. Atkinson, no offense,

but you don`t know what the hell you`re talking about.

Do you know how much it costs to run a medical practice?

Take a simple routine checkup.

I'd love to. l can`t afford one.

There`s the urine analysis,

the chest plates, the liver function,

the blood count, the electrocardiogram...

The Mercedes, the Gucci loafers, the conventions in Acapulco.

I've never been to Acapulco. What are you talking about?

As a matter of fact, you know that...

Excuse me. l would like to ask a question.

Would you excuse me? Thank you.

l want to know why, when the bills come in, it always says:

Make checks payable to lnternal Medicines, lnc.

or Surgical Procedures, lnc.

lsn`t there something peculiar

about all these incorporated doctors?

What the hell is so peculiar....

ls it okay to say helI'`?

Yes. You said it before.

Thousands of doctors incorporate.

Yes, but...

Just one moment please. Albert SchweitZer didn`t.

He was not in our tax bracket.

Look, l know that there are a lot of things wrong

with the medical profession.

Who said that? They must be craZy.

Believe me, we are trying to change it,

but it must be done slowly and patiently and tactfully.

Tactfully? Yes.

Perhaps you could tell me what is tactful

about a road-traffic accident?

lf l am smashed to pieces by a car...

That`s very, very provoking.

Thank you, Mrs. Atkinson, Dr. Nichols, Mr. Quinn.

Next week, our program will be

Transvestism: Aberration or Alternate Lifestyle?

l didn`t ask to be born in England.

Just as you didn`t ask to be born in America.

What`s left is spiritualism, or reincarnation, or suttee.

What about lndian suttee, perhaps we could go to lndia?

Your producer friend was right.

You do have a big mouth.

Oh, we were just saying

you defended yourself brilliantly.

l couldn`t get a word in edgewise.

But when you did, they were masterful.

l wouldn`t go to masterful.

We would, right?

Yes, we`ll get an enormous response.

l need more practice at this.

What l need is a cup of coffee.

I'll buy.

Thank you.

I'm sorry. l can`t remember your first name.

Ann.

I've always liked that name.

Thank you, Doctor.

Mine`s Charley. Really? I've always liked that name.

You`re kidding. No, it was my mother`s.

lt`s my own fault.

lf l hadn`t been so conscientious,

you wouldn`t be talking now.

What do you do when you`re not humiliating people on TV?

Cheesecake.

You pose in the nude?

That`s not a bad idea.

lt would certainly pay better.

No, l bake the best cheesecake in Greater Los Angeles.

You`re kidding.

l am not. l not only bake it, l sell it.

To whom?

Oh, parties, restaurants, strangers in the street.

That`s how l got my jaw fractured.

By strangers?

By cheesecake. l was cooking and the oven door burst open.

You`re kidding.

That`s the fourth time you`ve said that.

Said what? You`re kidding.

What?

You`re kidding.

Do l say that a lot?

l guess, l prefer it to the phrase,

what do they use today, uh, You`re putting me on.

How long have you been divorced?

Oh, about a year. You?

My wife died a few months ago.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Why`d your marriage break up?

Why do you want to know?

Prurient curiosity.

Real curiosity.

He found a younger woman, didn`t he?

Two coffees, please.

Not that l think you`re that old.

Thank you very much.

Yes, he did find a younger woman.

Several, in fact, and several older women,

and quite a few about the same age.

Why did you stay married to this goat?

l knew l should leave him. l kept thinking:

Perhaps it`s my fault.

Perhaps there`s some deep need in him

that I'm not satisfying.

Well, he did have a deep need:

He wanted to break the North American humping record.

This is none of my business.

Hasn`t stopped you so far.

What do you live on, alimony?

l mean, cheesecakes, TV shows,

those aren`t things

that a person makes a living at.

l don`t believe in alimony.

You`re kidding.

See, you did it again.

Skip supports our son. Skip?

l know, isn`t it a dreadful name?

lt`s the only one he`d answer to.

He supports our son, but why me?

I'm strong and healthy.

What`s your situation now? You working?

l think it`s what you Yanks call tap city.

Hey, there might be a temporary opening

at Ken Gen.

Where?

Kensington General Hospital.

Really? I've always wanted to be a doctor.

l was thinking of the admitting office.

The girl there is off on her honeymoon.

Nothing that`ll tax the mind...

What would l have to do?

Just smile. Say, Hello.

Welcome to Kensington General.

Sit down. Relax.

You`re gonna be perfectly okay.

Then you help them fill out the usual forms.

The usual forms being where they sign away their homes,

savings, insurance, and all other property,

real and personal, huh?

See, you`re a natural.

I'll have a prune Danish, please.

We`re out of prune. How about a kummel?

Excuse me.

Are you waiting for the elevator?

Yes, l am.

Where are you?

I'm in the elevator. lt`s stuck.

What?

lt`s stuck. Something jammed.

Does anybody know?

Want me to call maintenance?

No, we`ve already talked to them.

Uh, don`t talk. Save the oxygen.

l told them to save the oxygen, not to talk.

They won`t, Amos, they won`t.

Listen, did you get that-- the memo l sent you?

Memo. Memo? What memo, Fred?

lrwin.

l-lrwin.

The memo l sent you about the nursery

for the newborn infants.

We already have a nursery.

Yeah, well, l know that, but....

Most hospitals today have

closed-circuit television in the nurseries.

For newborn babies? That`s insane.

What the hell are they gonna watch?

They can`t even focus.

Do you have the correct time?

Uh, yeah, yeah. Yes, it`s five minutes--

Any allergies?

No.

Bowel or bladder disorders?

Not that l know of.

Occupation?

Baseball.

Position?

Owner.

Waiver of responsibility. What does that mean?

Whatever happens, it`s not our fault.

l see we have you down for a semi-private room.

Semi...semi-private?

How many in a semi-private room?

Eight.

Oh, no.

I'll give you two season tickets

for a private room.

I'm English.

Good morning, Ellen.

Oh, hi!

How the hell are you, Harry?

How the hell do you think l am?

Amos, this is taking forever.

Girl, why is...

why is this taking forever?

We have to fill out the forms, sir.

This is Mr. Harry Grady.

Mr. Grady doesn`t fill out forms.

Not in my hospital.

Just make sure

he gets the best private room in the place.

Sir, all the private rooms are full.

What`s the problem? Send somebody home.

lf l ran my ball club the way he runs this hospital,

we`d be in last place.

You are.

Bye, Sarah.

Thanks for the granola, l loved it.

My pleasure.

Hello, Doctor! Yeah.

Oh, hello. l...I'm Mrs. Grady.

Oh, hi. Hi.

Could you tell me how to get to Amos Willoughby`s office?

Amos Willoughby? Yeah.

Oh, sure.

You, uh, take the elevator down to the first floor,

make a left turn

all the way down to the end of the corridor,

there`s a brass band there

playing Hail To The Chief and....

No, I'm only kidding. lt says Chief of Staff.

You know, nothing`s working in there,

the nurse`s call button is broken,

the TV only gets the Mexican station.

Oh, you don`t speak Spanish?

Oh, no.

lt`s a good way to learn.

Well, I'll see that somebody comes up and fixes it.

Okay, thank you.

You, uh.... How is Mr. Grady?

Oh, fair. Good.

You`re a big baseball fan, huh?

No.

How did you meet him?

Oh, at Toot`s Shors. l was checking coats.

Ah!

l suppose you wanted to get into show business?

Oh, yes. l knew that,

`cause you`re certainly pretty enough.

Thank you.

Well, nice to have met you. I'm on my lunch hour.

Oh, thank you for the directions, Doctor....

Nichols. Charles Nichols.

Oh, thank you, Dr. Nichols. Thank you.

Dr. O`Brien, you`re wanted at 2-7-1.

Dr. O`Brien, 2-7-1.

Dr. Devee, you have a phone call.

Dr. Devee, you have a phone call.

Hi, Normie. Hi, Charley.

You`re not gonna eat that, are you?

Oh, no.

God, you look terrible.

l know. l don`t sleep too well on waterbeds.

Aren`t you bored with these all-nighters?

Not yet, I'll keep you posted.

Tuna surprise, Darrell. Thank you.

l, uh, saw you talking to Ellen Grady in the hall.

Mmm-hmm. Very cute.

Oh, yeah. She, uh... You know, she looks

like Judy Holliday, that actress. Remember?

Oh, yeah? The one that died.

Yeah? You gonna make a move on her?

Are you kidding?

Her husband`s in the hospital.

You are. You`re gonna make a move on her.

What?

Charlie, you`re turning into a male nymphomaniac.

Oh, hi, Gretchen.

Hello, Dr. Nichols.

Pay the lady.

Mr. Belldizant. Call the operator.

Morning.

...call the operator please.

Excuse me, sir.

Does anybody know you`re here?

How long have you been riding up and down?

Oh, excuse me.

Do you happen to know if there`s a patient missing?

Patient missing? Today?

No, no, it could have happened yesterday.

We found the one that was missing yesterday.

Good. No, l haven`t heard about the one today.

lf you should hear, would you try Elevator 2? Elevator 2?

What about the lady with the fractured jaw?

Ann Atkinson? Yeah.

What`s happening with her?

She`s not the hit-and-run type.

Excellent lunch date, however.

Boy, what a hardhead. She`s got opinions

about everything in the whole goddamn world.

Aren`t you a little hungry

for some intellectual stimulation?

Over lunch, yeah. lt`s okay.

But at night, l want something else.

Although Edith Baskin is fairly intelligent.

The foxy lawyer from the racket club?

l don`t believe it.

I'm seeing her tonight.

You know how to get to Hillside Ave.?

You go down Foothill to Market

and then make a right. l live there. 321 .

Mind you, it`s the low-rent side of the street.

Why don`t you sit down?

Thank you.

Nothing warms my heart more

than lunching with rich doctors.

Ann, do you really think

that I'm in this just for the money?

No. l think you are a dedicated healer,

and something of a pussycat.

Um, is it my imagination

or does Dr. Willoughby get craZier by the hour?

Uh, no, the minute.

lf you`ll excuse me,

I've gotta go slice up a few people.

I'm a little short on money.

What`s the matter with him?

l don`t think he likes to talk about Willoughby.

Why not?

Well, Amos wants to run

for a new term as Chief of Staff.

Yeah, but, obviously, nobody`s going to vote for him.

So he`ll be out, and that`ll be all right.

Charley will vote for him.

Do you really have to go, Charley?

Yeah.

I know this sounds stupid, but I get seasick.

I understand.

Well, anyway, thank you for the dinner, Charley.

Thanks for the dessert, Edith.

Sorry about the waterbed.

Oh, that`s okay.

l could use a good night`s sleep, anyway.

Call you manana.

Ma, l just don`t know how to deal with her.

You don`t have to deal with her.

You`re a child. She has to deal with you.

Mom, why can`t l live with you full-time?

You`re beginning to sound like Little Orphan Annie.

You know the agreement.

Six months with me, six with your father.

And he won`t budge.

Have you found another guy?

Mind your own business. Move your feet.

And would you please stop playing

with those very expensive lemons?

Who says your Ma ain`t a genius?

Okay, what did you forget?

Beg your pardon?

Who is this?

l don`t know you very well, but don`t you ever say hello?

Hello. Who is this?

Dr. Nichols. Charley.

What are you doing here at this time of night?

May l use your phone?

l got into my car, my battery died.

Oh, I am sorry. When are the services?

Press the buZZer.

Don`t you ever say, please?

Please.

Would you press it again? Please?

Who is this?

Come on, will you? Stop kiddin` around.

Ah!

Oh, you shouldn`t have bothered.

lt`s beautiful.

Thank you. l was married in it.

Enchanting.

The phone?

Oh, there.

l got to call the auto club.

Now, don`t be too long,

I'm expecting an obscene phone call.

l hope you don`t mind my asking,

but shouldn`t you be with what`s-her-name?

You know, the little girl who lives down the lane?

Edith Baskin.

Edith Baskin.

Why aren`t you up there using her phone?

Oh, uh, l had already said good night.

And thank you, l hope.

Yes. And it would`ve been an anticlimax.

And then l remembered

that you lived down the street.

Hello, Auto? Uh, Dr. Charles Nichols here.

Charles Nichols, right. l got a dead battery.

Mercedes-BenZ.

Last time l looked it was burgundy.

197 4.

Oh, what the hell.

1-2-0-4-7-9-3-5-8.

320 Hillside.

What`s the nearest cross street?

Third.

Bird.

Wait a minute. Hold on a second. Bird?

Third, T-H.

Third.

Th-third and Hillside. Right. 20 minutes, thank you.

Won`t be here for another 20 minutes.

Got anything cold to drink?

Juice, soda.

Got any low-fat milk?

l expect so.

Who`s the basketball player, Michael?

Uh-huh.

Looks exactly like his old man.

How do you know?

`Cause he doesn`t look anything like you.

What`s this?

Cheesecake.

Edith Baskin, is she brunette

rather thick-waisted, and much too much eye makeup?

Yeah, something like that.

Mmm-hmm. l think I've seen her at the beauty parlor.

Well, l only know her slightly myself.

l removed a wart last year.

How did you know where to stop?

Please, no jokes. I'm beat.

All that fuss and bother, shaving twice in the same day.

All that smiling, all that pretending

you`re interested in what she`s saying.

Must be hell being a great lover.

Mmm!

This is absolutely superb. Mmm. Did you really make it?

You know l did.

Mmm! lt`s great. Thank you.

Better than anything l had tonight, l can tell you that.

And a lot cheaper, I'll bet.

You can say that again.

As a matter of interest, how much does it cost

being a great lover these days?

l don`t know. l never stopped to figure.

Well, how much were the flowers you sent?

What makes you think l sent flowers?

People of your generation always send flowers.

Okay, l sent flowers.

How much?

Thirty dollars.

What are you doing?

Oh, just a little figuring. Oh, Come on.

What about transportation?

Transportation? l use my own car.

Well, gas, oil, wear and tear, depreciation.

Forget it.

l like your attitude. Easy come, easy go.

How much was dinner?

$68.60.

What?

l made the mistake of letting the captain suggest the wine.

Anything else?

Two tickets to a charity baZaar, $15 a ticket.

Mmm-hmm. Refreshments?

Two lemonades, $1 .50, a ripoff.

And this was a medical charity baZaar?

$1 .50, a ripoff. ls that it?

lsn`t that enough? Mmm-hmm.

lt comes to $131 .60.

Well, consider the bright side.

lt still beats being married.

l mean, a date you can look at, if you will,

as a non-recurring expense.

A wife is overhead.

Mmm-hmm?

How you doing?

At what?

l mean, how`s your love life?

Well, l find l can take a man out,

with all the trimmings,

and get him in the sack for just under $50.

That must be the auto club.

Boy, they sure got here fast, didn`t they? Mmm-hmm.

Have you got a dollar?

What for?

To tip the kid from the auto club.

All l got is credit cards. I'll pay you back.

You will.

Thanks for the cheesecake and the use of the phone.

You`re very welcome.

ls this a pretense of poverty?

lt`s just the naked truth.

That`s enough. Thanks very much.

I'll see you in the morning. Okay.

Dr. Willoughby.

Dr. Willoughby?

Dr. Willoughby.

Dr. Willoughby!

Uh, what`s that? Are you all right, sir?

l haven`t been all right under four administrations.

Who the hell are you?

Claire.

Mrs. Conway.

The dietician.

Well, don`t dawdle.

You know how short my attention span is.

lt`s about the meal schedule

you sent through to conserve kitchen help.

Breakfast at 5:00 a.m.?

Yeah.

Lunch at 9:00 a.m.?

Fine.

What`s the problem?

Well, the patients.

Patients. Damn crybabies.

Who`s running this hospital, us or them?

Us, l hope.

You bet your ass, shorty.

De Voto, Joseph.

Good Morning. Good Morning.

Oh, yes. Tonsillectomy.

l see Dr. Nichols is doing it.

Yes, right. He was recommended by Joey`s pediatrician,

Dr. Hatfield.

Very prominent man.

Mrs. de Voto, do you take Reader`s Digest?

Oh, no, l....

There was a marvelous article about tonsils only last month.

You didn`t see it?

No. Pity, you should have.

Did you know that tonsils are the least-understood organs in the human body?

ls that so?

Nobody really knows what they do.

Which is no reason to rip them out.

They must be there for some purpose.

As Einstein said,

God does not play dice with the universe.

Who?

God.

No, the other.

Einstein. Practically the same thing.

Morning!

Hi, Joey.

How are you?

Say, l.... What`s the matter?

What the hell?

Morning, Annie.

Morning.

l just saw Mrs. de Voto and her boy

leaving the hospital.

Really?

They were supposed to check in for a tonsillectomy.

All right, l talked her out of it.

You did what?

Why not?

Why not, indeed? God knows you`re qualified.

You`ve been here almost a week!

Oh, come on.

You know, at least 90 percent of all tonsillectomies

are totally unnecessary.

No. No, l don`t know that.

Tell me about it.

l read an article in a magaZine,

90 percent of all tonsillectomies,

50 percent of all appendectomies,

and at least 75 percent of all hysterectomies...

That`s very interesting, Doctor.

How do you stand on circumcision?

Well, now that makes sense.

Good, I'm glad to hear that. For boys, l mean.

Oh, come on. You know Mrs. de Voto will be back

the next time the boy has a sore throat. Yes, l know that.

And you will operate, of course.

Of course, in spite of you and your magaZine article.

Well, l tried.

Don`t ever do that again, God damn it!

Yes, sir.

Don`t do that, either.

Admitting.

Atkinson?

Speaking.

How about dinner?

Who canceled?

Yes or no?

Yes. What should l wear?

Whatever you like. We`ll eat at your place.

Pick up some Chinese food. I`ll reimburse you.

Thank you very much. What time?

Uh, we have to be through by 1 1 :00.

Why?

The basketball game.

What basketball game?

What basketball game? The NCAA final, that`s all.

Of course. l see.

lmagine my not knowing that.

Amos!

Charley!

Hi. You`re looking wonderful.

Let me offer you my condolences.

You`re a little late, but, uh, thanks.

She was a wonderful woman, Miriam.

Emily.

Emily? Mmm.

You know Harry Grady`s staying here at the hospital?

That`s what l heard, what`s the problem?

Phlebitis.

Oh, there`s a lot of that going around.

How did he say his ball club was gonna do this year?

Who? Harry Grady.

Did you know he was staying here at the hospital?

Are you feeling okay these days, Amos?

Yes, why?

Just a simple question.

Listen, Charley, l wasn`t born yesterday.

l hear all the scuttlebutt that goes on around the halls.

Some people saying Amos Willoughby is going senile.

Let me tell you something, Charley. l can still get it up.

Three times a week.

Take care, Amos.

Uh, Charley, by the way,

did you, uh, write your nominating speech yet?

Not yet.

Yeah, of course.

Well, it can`t be easy, finding reasons

to keep me in office five more years.

Well....

Charley, l know how you feel.

But try to look at it my way.

Now, you know, I'm not gonna operate anymore.

You boys will see to it that l don`t do much harm.

Meanwhile, I've got a nice, big office,

people call me sir,

stand up when l come into a room.

That`s a great comfort at my age.

Right, Amos.

So do your best, huh?

Oh, yeah, l, uh, I'd appreciate a little flattery.

Nothing extravagant.

One mustn`t start them giggling.

No, sir.

See? You called me sir.

l can`t see that.

Your dreams are unattainable.

Do not attempt to achieve them.

Egg roll?

Save it. We`ll be hungry in an hour.

Mmm!

An hour.

My God, lt`s almost 1 1 :00. Where`s your set?

My set of what?

The TV.

Bedroom.

What do you want to drink?

Anything but tea.

Some wine, maybe.

Certainly.

...and a free throw

makes it 8 to 7 UCLA over the Colonels.

We`re just about a minute and a half into the ballgame.

The NCAA Championship is on the line.

Ah.

Black and white. My favorite.

Gomez, in under the basket, back-door play...

Black and white, huh?

Monochrome, if you please.

What do you spend all your money on?

Oh, vintage wines, caviar.

Vintage wine? Mmm-hmm.

Christian Brothers, 1978, that`s a good year.

What are these boys doing up at this hour,

playing basketball?

This game was played earlier.

This is a tape-delay telecast.

Which is the same thing if you don`t know the score, right?

Mmm-hmm. lf you say so. How long does it go on?

An hour and a half, two hours.

Oh.

Well, in that case, l think I'll just

clean my teeth and wash my face,

and do all those other going-to-bed things, okay?

Do whatever you like. Thank you.

lf you must lie on my clean bedspread--

Shh.

Would you please take off your shoes?

Sorry.

Ow!

Sorry about that.

Jesus!

The US position...

on the new developments expressed by the President

at a news conference today,

is that both sides should take a calm approach.

Shapiro goes down the middle, a slam dunk!

A beautiful play by Shapiro.

UCLA on top, 29-28.

Right now in Granada Hills and San Fernando,

it`s 57 degrees, going down to...

No harm, no foul.

Gomez goes down the middle....

lt`s funny, l could`ve sworn l had a glass of wine.

Great game. Great game!

The lead keeps switching hands, back and forth.

lmpossible to predict.

l was listening on the radio. UCLA won a...

No!

No, no, no, no!

Why did you tell me?

What`s the sense in watching now?

All the suspense is gone.

I'm very sorry. l thought you`d like to know the score.

112 to 110. Double overtime, whatever that may mean.

112 to 110?

Double overtime.

What ever happened to that wonderful hospital robe

that you swiped from Kensington General?

l, uh, donated it to the Smithsonian.

l thought I'd get a nice tax deduction

if l had anything to deduct it from.

Would you like some egg rolls?

No, thank you. Do you have any fruit?

No.

Oh!

l know this film.

A golden oldie if ever there was one.

Oh, just look at that kiss.

The next shot

is of a curtain blowing gently at an open window,

which indicates to us

that just outside the camera`s range,

a little sensitive screwing is going on.

lt`s much prettier that way.

Oh, it certainly is,

but much less practical if not downright impossible.

You remember,

then they couldn`t even show a couple in bed

unless they were fully dressed and each had at least one foot on the floor.

Who says it`s impossible with one foot on the floor?

Evidently, they thought so.

lsn`t it?

l mean, theoretically speaking?

Here, let me have that, please.

Thank you. Now, lay flat. Flat.

Come on, come on.

And put one foot, your right foot, on the floor.

Right foot.

Well, Ow.

...that`s no good, is it? No.

All right, now put your right foot over.

Cross over.

Right foot cross over.

Yeah.

Do... do you have a foot on the floor? No.

Neither do l, so it doesn`t count.

Here, now, scrunch over here.

Ow.

Scrunch over so... I'm scrunching.

...we can get to the edge.

Oh. All right.

We`re at the edge.

Now, wait a minute

get one foot....

No wait. Get one foot

down on the floor.

No, that`s no good.

That`s no good. All right. Let me

get over here,

and here, let`s scrunch over to the foot of the bed.

l don`t think l can.

All right, I'll tell you what.

We can move over to the foot of the bed

until we get one....

Okay. One minute, one foot.

Put your left foot down and we`ll try it slightly....

l can`t get my left foot down l can get my right foot down.

Right foot, l mean. I'll put my left.

No, we can`t do that, because then we have

one foot on the same side of the bed.

I'll tell you what, I'll put this foot down.

And this foot....

Now, you slide one foot on the floor,

and slide, slide over.

But I've got both feet on the floor now.

No, that`s not gonna work.

Are you still alive?

What was the rule

if the couple was not in bed

and both had both feet on the floor?

l think it was, uh, catch-as-catch-can.

Hi.

Morning.

That`s not the greatest raZor in the world in there.

lt was fine when l shaved my legs.

Sit down, I'm making you some breakfast.

No, thanks. l gotta run.

Oh, busy morning?

A bile duct and a hemorrhoidectomy.

Oh, you be sure to wash your hands when you`re through.

You call that a kiss?

Hmm.

Thank you. See you later.

Listen, next time you want some home cooking

and a little dignified sex,

don`t go to strangers.

That`s a deal. When do l see you again?

Not till tonight.

Tonight? Tonight....

Forget it.

Forget it. Forget it. Forget it.

What? Goodbye, Charley.

What are you talkin` about? You mad at me? What did l do?

The same as l did.

We were two consenting adults, we had a marvelous time.

Well, at least l did,

so nobody owes anybody anything. Okay?

Then why the brush-off? Because l do not wish

to get into some sort of contest with Edith,

and the plant-lady person,

so just cross me off your list.

But l want to see you again. More than them?

You mean it`s either-or? I'm afraid so.

Well, that`s unreasonable.

That`s exceedingly unreasonable.

Maybe, but l have this thing about fidelity, l suppose,

because my ex-husband was such a lecher, l don`t know.

What the hell is so goddamn important about fidelity?

l mean, l don`t think it`s such a heinous crime

if other people occasionally feel the need to tear off

a piece on the side. But for me, well...

Yes? What, what?

Look, l don`t care if a man picks his teeth in public,

if he has a ring around his collar.

He can even vote the straight Republican ticket.

But if he loves me and is faithful to me,

then l will go through hell for him.

Otherwise, it`s goodbye?

Mmm-hmm.

You don`t leave me much choice.

l don`t mean to.

Goodbye, Ann.

Goodbye, Charley.

Who is it?

It`s Neville Chamberlain.

I forgot my umbrella.

Okay, we`ll give it a try.

Oh, Charley!

Just an experiment, mind you.

One week. lf it doesn`t work, that`s it.

One week?

Well, okay, two weeks.

Why not a month?

Two weeks, that`s final.

Charley!

Three weeks.

Two.

Two.

Who is it?

Who would you like it to be?

Fred Astaire, but I'll settle for the cards I'm dealt.

What are you doing?

Don`t come in. I've lost a contact lens.

Oh, l didn`t know you wore contacts.

Well, l thought it was too early in the relationship to reveal it.

Oh, I'm never gonna find the damn thing.

Wear one, keep the other eye closed.

Gotcha.

l don`t know why l have to wear a tuxedo

to listen to a guy recite poetry in a turtleneck.

Because it`s for a good cause, and you look divine.

Yeah, I'll bet you say that to all the maitre d`s.

What`s this?

lt`s a small Rolls Royce.

Gosh.

Oh, Charley, what stones, they`re extraordinary.

I've never seen anything like them.

They should be for $3,500.

Charley, so much money.

Not mine, Mrs. Stroud`s.

Mrs. who?

Mrs. Stroud`s. They`re her gallstones.

l took them out yesterday.

Oh.

Mmm.

Uh, look under the gallstones.

l don`t believe you.

Oh, Charley.

You hate it?

lt`s beautiful.

Ah....

What? What? What`s the matter?

Don`t you sometimes wish l was younger?

No. l wish l was.

No. What are you talking about?

Oh, come on. lt`s comforting with an old broad like you.

l don`t have to explain things all the time,

like who Ronald Colman is.

You look very beautiful.

You know what you are?

Yes, but don`t tell anybody.

I'm a tall, middle-aged Ukrainian.

A tall, handsome, middle-aged Ukrainian.

How desperately do you want to save the California coastline?

That`s $50 a plate.

On the other hand, it`s tax-deductible.

Don`t get up. Did you tell them?

We were waiting for you.

Well, sit down.

Gentlemen, I'm sure that most of you know

that Harry Grady, the baseball entrepreneur, has been staying with us.

l thought he checked out last week.

Well, he checked back in.

He missed our tapioca.

What? l wouldn`t walk down the hall for that crap.

Amos, will you get to the point?

I'll get to the point.

My dear friend Harry Grady

died on the operating table this morning.

What?

lt wasn`t my fault.

Apparently, he developed an upper-respiratory infection.

He`s always had respiratory problems.

Why the hell didn`t you tell me?

Why didn`t you ask me?

Oh, gentlemen, gentlemen.

l almost saved him.

Almost only counts in horseshoes.

Sloan, I'm not making any accusations.

l called this meeting for a much happier purpose.

Gentlemen, before his unfortunate death,

Harry Grady informed me that he had put a bequest in his will

leaving $5 million to build a new wing for Kensington General.

Apparently, Mr. Grady was born at Kensington.

Well, now maybe we can get a decent lounge for the staff

with a sauna.

Yes, gentlemen, all those things and more.

Now, let`s hold it, fellows. Mrs. Grady is coming in here in a minute

and l think we should all be united.

lf she thinks that we screwed up

our asses could be in a sling.

A...as much as l loved Harry Grady,

l think we`ve got to stonewall her.

Our posture should be:

he wasn`t a healthy man, and these things can happen.

Yes.

Mrs. Grady is here.

Send her in. All right, fellas, hang tough.

Mrs. Grady.

Oh, gentlemen, please.

Sit here, please.

Mrs. Grady, on behalf of the entire hospital, I'd...

Oh, skip the amenities.

I'd like you to meet my lawyer, Mr. Pogostin.

Phil!

Gentlemen.

Uh, Mr. Pogostin.

Why don`t you sit here, sir.

Thank you.

Ellen, l know l speak for the entire staff

when l extend my deepest sympathies.

We tried everything we could.

Which isn`t a whole lot, is it?

l beg your pardon?

l mean, what you people know about medicine

you could stuff in a cocktail olive.

Well, sometimes, Ellen, it`s difficult

for a lay person to understand...

Especially a dumb blonde, right?

l never said that.

You never had to.

Listen, l made a living a long time being a dumb blonde.

Doctor, let me spell it out for you nice and slow.

This is the sorriest excuse for a hospital I've ever seen.

Malpractice.

Malnutrition.

Mal everything.

You guys hate sick people, or what?

Harry died because somebody blew it.

Harry Grady had a respiratory history that wasn`t on his chart.

That operation should never have taken place.

Ellen, you`ve had a great shock.

Amos, oh, Amos

you`re about to get one yourself.

ln other words, if you`re counting on the $5 million for a new wing,

you can stop counting.

Now, here`s your choice.

You can refuse the $5 million, or you can accept it.

ln which case, I'll hit you with a malpractice suit for $10 million.

Oh, shit.

l warned Harry not to marry you.

Calm down, Amos. Calm down.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

The lady hasn`t said that she`s definitely filing a suit yet.

I'm Dr. Nichols.

Oh, yeah, l remember.

Are you from New York?

Yeah, how`d you know?

Whereabouts?

Brooklyn.

Where in Brooklyn?

Coney lsland.

No kidding.

I'm from Brownsville myself, originally.

Oh, jeeZ.

l used to play at the Brighton Baths.

l used to play handball with all the champs.

You remember Brighton Baths? Oh, yeah.

You know what it is now? What?

lt`s a 12,000-seat amphitheatre.

They have all kinds of shows there.

BoZ Scaggs was there last week.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, jeeZ.

All the rides are gone.

Oh no. Oh, no, not the Cyclone.

The Cyclone`s still there.

Do you remember those famous hot dogs?

Oh, l, uh....

Oh, l must`ve...

Mrs. Grady,

l know that this must be a terrible shock for you.

We have to find out what happened.

lf you`ll just allow us the time

to do some investigating ourselves.

Oh, why should l?

Because it`s the fair thing to do.

You know, l can sympathiZe with you.

You sound like my analyst.

You see, l lost my wife three months ago

so l know what you`re going through.

We have to try and find out what happened.

At least give us the benefit of the doubt.

You got a great bedside manner, Doctor.

Just...just give us 48 hours.

Please.

I'll expect to hear from you then, okay?

Bravo!

He`s a friend of mine.

He needs to be.

What a face. What a face.

l wish we could`ve brought Michael here. He`d like this restaurant.

When am l gonna see him?

My six months are coming up soon.

Look, l have him for six months,

and Skip has him for the other six months.

Skip? We did that, remember?

Speaking of time, it reminds me....

What?

Well, l thought we could have a very extra-special dinner tomorrow night.

Why? You know perfectly well, why.

Our two weeks are up. What two weeks?

Oh, God, l can see the writing on the wall.

Read it to me.

We`ll have had a whirlwind romance

and I'll be left with an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.

That`s gallbladder. I'll operate, you`ll feel like a million bucks.

You doctors think of nothing but money and operations.

How about some tortoni?

Rock of Ages, cleft for me

Let me hide myself in Thee

Let the water and the blood

From Thy wounded side which flowed

There`s an old baseball saying that goes:

The game is not over until the last man is out.

Well, the game may not be over,

but it`ll be less fun playing without Harry Grady.

Yes, we`re here to say goodbye to Harry,

whose life, through no fault of ours

ended so tragically just a few days ago.

Yes, Harry, you`re gone.

Gone to that great ballpark in the sky.

But as you sit there, in that heavenly dugout

chewing tobacco and swapping stories

with some of the great baseball immortals

like Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig,

Bill Tilden.

Yes, Harry,

we`re going to remember all the wonderful things you did for baseball.

Exploding scoreboards

double-knit uniforms.

It`s true, Harry,

some people criticize you for introducing separate admissions

to each half of a double-header

but I`d say that`s nonsense.

Throughout history, all great innovators were never really appreciated

until they were dead.

You`re dead now, Harry.

We appreciate it.

I think my favorite memory of Harry

is sitting in his box during a twilight double-header.

And him turning to me and saying:

Amos,

every time the umpire bends over to dust off home plate,

I`d like them to see my face.

Harry, we`ll never forget you.

This was idiotic, Willoughby dragging us here.

lt`s not gonna stop her from suing.

What`s the matter, didn`t you enjoy the funeral?

l was just thinking about Ann.

You should`ve brought her here.

lt`s a great date.

l think we`re beyond the dating stage.

What? lt`s making you uptight?

No. Atkinson`s a fabulous woman. Fabulous.

But? But it was so quick.

l wanted a lot of women, l got one.

l wanted somebody young, l got somebody not so young.

l wanted somebody tractable, l got somebody noisy, spiky, stubborn,

opinionated, and just plain impossible.

My heart bleeds for you.

Yeah, Atkinson`s somebody special,

but I'm gonna keep wondering about all those other women.

Don`t you see? lt`s just not fair to Ann.

Don`t you see?

Yes, l do see.

May l make a suggestion?

Sure.

Why should you knock yourself out? Give me the list,

I'll do the screwing, and I'll write you a report.

Dr. Nichols, just a moment, please.

Mrs. Grady wondered if you were free tonight

to discuss what you`d found out about Mr. Grady`s death.

We`d be delighted.

Not you, Dr. Willoughby.

Just Dr. Nichols.

Just me?

He`ll be there.

Until then, Doctor.

What do you mean, I'll be there? I'm not gonna be there.

You`ll be there. No, he won`t.

For shame, Silverman, don`t you care about the hospital?

The woman is obviously taken with Charley.

Maybe he can talk her out of that ridiculous lawsuit.

A $10 million hump? That`ll be the day.

Charley, you got a good thing going with Ann.

You gonna jeopardiZe it just for this rich, attractive, available...

Wait a minute, l think I'm saying this wrong.

Now, look, it`s just a business discussion with a poor, bereaved widow.

And it`s for the hospital.

Now, Charley, l don`t know your girl, but surely she`ll understand.

That`s right, you don`t know my girl.

She`d never understand.

lf, by some miracle

Charley were able to convince her to drop the lawsuit,

would you reconsider running for Chief of Staff?

Well, it`s a possibility.

What are you worried about, Charley?

You`re just going there to talk, right? Right.

l don`t know,

l think the large area of consolidation

is probably an infection or a neoplasm.

Mmm...hmm.

Oh, hi there.

How was the ballgame?

Oh, biZarre. Excuse me, gentlemen.

How are the flowers holding up?

You only gave them to me yesterday.

What time tonight?

Oh, tonight is, uh, probably late.

Sometime around 10:00.

l have to talk to Willoughby about the, uh,

malpractice thing.

I'll call you as soon as l... as soon as l get out.

Okay. Good luck.

l knew l could trust you, Dr. Nichols.

Did you find out anything about Harry`s demise?

Or is it demeese?

Uh, Mrs. Grady,

your husband underwent major surgery.

Now, surgery at any time...

Oh, Dr. Nichols, the only thing l know about surgery

is that your boys at the hospital don`t know how to do it.

We did our best.

Dr. Nichols, your best wasn`t good enough, was it?

Mrs. Grady,

we have a modest, unpretentious little hospital...

Oh, what shall we drink to?

To, um, tolerance, good sense,

and no lawsuits.

To good sense and tolerance.

And?

Well, two out of three isn`t bad, is it?

That`s good. Excuse me.

Oh, you play a very good game of pool, Doctor.

Did you learn to play in Brooklyn?

Yeah, as a matter of fact,

l put myself through medical school playing pool.

Gee. My God!

You must be a terrific doctor.

Are we gonna drink everything in the house?

Why not? You only live once.

Oh!

Now, Mrs. Grady...

Ellen.

Ellen, let`s get serious for a moment.

Now, this sawluit...

this lawsuit that you`re contemplating, it`s....

lf you stop and think for a moment about it,

it`s gonna be terrible.

l mean, all those little doctors running around, out of work.

So time-consuming, so expensive.

And it`s s-so un-n-necessary.

Oop.... Oh!

Aw! Did anybody ever tell you that you`re awfully cute?

Yeah, some fellow in the men`s room at Grand Central Station.

But l didn`t pay any attention to him.

l thought he was putting me on.

No, I'm not... l mean it, l mean it, l mean it.

I'm not kidding, you`re adorable.

Listen, uh, just stay here.

I'm going slip into something a little more comfortable.

What? The sauna?

No.

No.

No, no, no, just stay here.

Kensington General.

Oh, hello. Um, could l speak to Dr. Nichols, please?

He isn`t in. He left at 5.:30.

Oh. Did he? Thank you. Um...

Is there a message?

No...no. Just-just say Ann Atkinson called.

Um, is Dr. Willoughby still there?

Dr. Nichols, wake up.

Dr. Nichols.

Wake up!

Did you slip into something more comfortable?

Yes, l did, Dr. Nichols, about eight hours ago.

But you passed out on the pool table.

l guess you`re not used to drinking.

Eight hours ago.

What time is it?

7:30.

7:30 in the morning? Mmm-hmm.

Oh, my God.

Why didn`t you wake me up?

l tried, Dr. Nichols. Believe me, l tried.

Well, what happened?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

You wouldn`t get up.

Oh! Would you like a cup of coffee?

Oh, no--no--no, l got to run. Thank you.

Oh, look, I'm sorry l was a washout,

but could l tell Dr. Willoughby

that you`re dropping the lawsuit?

No.

Dr. Nichols, it wouldn`t have made any difference.

I'm not dropping the lawsuit.

Two million?

Good morning.

Morning.

Well, you`re up bright and early this morning.

Mmm-hmm. Coffee?

No thanks. l was up all night drinking coffee to stay awake.

Heavy meeting, hmm?

Guess you didn`t hear the evening news?

No.

Big freeway accident. Eight-car collision.

Lucky l was passing.

lt certainly was.

Am l beat.

Poor soul.

By the time we got through taking care of everybody, it was too late to call.

That`s why l came around this morning

to let you know what happened.

Guess l should go home and change

and get ready for the meeting.

Got to think up a nominating speech for Willoughby.

Well, listen, why don`t you shower here?

l could fix you some breakfast.

Yeah.

Shower still in the bathroom?

Certainly is.

Hey, Ann, where`s the towel?

Here.

What the hell was that for?

You unspeakable bastard!

Me?

Eight-car collision, my ass. You were with Ellen Grady.

And if you were with her,

it follows that the day and the night you slept with her.

No. Wait a minute. You lied to me.

No, l did not. Well, technically, maybe.

What the hell does technically, maybe mean?

lt means something like, well,

what appears on the surface to be a lie,

underneath, somewhere, there`s a deep profound truth.

Bullshit!

All right. All right, l didn`t sleep with Ellen Grady

because technically l was too damned drunk.

You wanted me to be honest. I'm being honest.

Don`t force yourself.

l went over there to see if l could talk her out

of that goddamned $10-million lawsuit.

lf I'd done that, I'd have some leverage with Willoughby.

Oh, l see. No matter how painful, how distasteful,

you were prepared to throw yourself on that withered old body

for the sake of good old Ken Gen.

Well, it crossed my mind. lt`s the truth.

l wasn`t ready to make a commitment.

That`s not nice.

You are a coward, you`re afraid to stand up to Willoughby,

and you don`t have the courage to stand by me.

Courage?

Oh, that l do not accept.

l am a surgeon, lady. Have you forgotten?

Every day, we cut people open from their sternum to their ZotZ.

We take out kidneys, gallbladders, lungs.

Great big loops of intestines, we build new rectums,

dig into skulls with brace and bit,

plunge our hands into beating hearts.

You call that cowardly?

You are consumed with fear.

Naked, pusillanimous fear.

You call it brave, nominating Willoughby?

All you so-called doctors: fear and greed. Greed.

Find someone who`s pure enough for you.

lt won`t be easy now that Albert SchweitZer is dead

and St. Francis of Assisi, l hear, isn`t too well, either.

Still, it shouldn`t be any problem for you, you`re so young and beautiful

so sweet and tender. And just plain perfect.

Up yours, mister!

The same to you, with earlaps.

Where the hell are my clothes?

What did she do with them?

Oh.

ls my mother home?

No, she isn`t. I'm Dr. Nichols.

Making a house call?

You`re Ann`s son, all right.

Pretty tall for 1 4, aren`t you?

I'm 16.

Pretty short for 16, aren`t you?

lf you see her, just say l stopped by.

Hey, kid, wait a minute. Hey, kid. Come back. Come on back, kid.

Come here. Come here, l want to talk to you.

Come on. I'm straight, kid.

What...what siZe are your shorts?

29.

Twenty-nine, that`s too small.

You got big feet. Lend me your sneakers.

They were a gift.

Hey, kid, listen, this is an emergency. l got to get to the hospital.

Amos,

have you been operating?

No, just washing my car.

Thank God.

Where the hell is Charley?

The election`s this morning.

Relax, he`ll be here.

lf he isn`t, he`ll be looking for a new line of work.

This isn`t my locker.

Norman. Norman, where`s Charley?

l don`t know. He`ll be here, relax.

Willoughby is gonna have a conniption if he doesn`t show up.

He`s driving me up the goddamn wall.

lrwin, he`ll be here.

Wait here, I'll get you some money.

l know. Page him again.

Never mind. l think he`s here.

Things must`ve gotten pretty kinky with Ellen last night.

Where are you going?

I've gotta go talk to Ann.

Later. The meeting`s started.

All right, I'll go change.

You pay the taxi back there. Will you, please?

The meeting was called to order at 2:30 p.m.

The minutes from the preceding meeting were read and accepted.

Dr. Frankfurt, Director of Recruitment for interns,

reported again this year there were no applications

from graduates of American medical schools.

He has recruited one intern from the Philippine lslands and one from Formosa

who is, however, an acupuncturist.

Next, Dr. Eugene Mason, Director of Lectures and Special Events,

reported that Dr. Michael Debakey of Houston,

who was to be a guest speaker at our next seminar, will not be able to attend

due to a conflict in schedules.

lnstead, the speaker will be Mr. Marvin Calloway of the HertZ Corporation

who`ll address us on the advantages of car leasing.

Next, Dr. William Evans, Head of the Morbidity and Mortality Committee,

reported on last month`s....

What happened with the Grady dame?

She`s still suing. She`s a slut.

She speaks well of you.

The meeting was adjourned at 2:43 p.m.

Respectfully submitted, lrwin Owett, Hospital Administrator.

lf there are no objections, the minutes will be accepted as read.

All right. That being the case, we`ll now move on to the elections.

Nominations for Chief of Staff are now being entertained.

All right. Do l hear any nominations?

l won`t forget this, Charley.

Sure you will. You forget everything.

The Chair recogniZes Dr. Nichols.

l place in nomination for Chief of Staff

the name of Amos Willoughby.

Very well. All right, gentlemen.

That`s it!

That`s it, Amos.

How`s about flowering it up a little?

l thought he overdid it.

ls there a second?

Right here, second.

Dr. Solomon seconds. Any other nominations?

All in favor?

Well, Amos, congratulations!

You`ve earned yourself another five years.

Thank you.

Uh, gentlemen,

it is with a deep sense of honor and humility

that l accept this challenge.

For it is a challenge....

l think deep nausea is about to set in.

Now, it becomes my duty, with your help,

to preserve this standard of excellence.

A duty l look forward to meeting with all my heart.

Which l know must please all of you in cardiology.

l shall come to the hospital earlier every morning.

l shall stay later every night.

l shall personally supervise every single phase of the hospital,

from the admitting room to the mortuary.

l shall perform more operations myself,

operations of all kinds, from the simple removal of a mole

to the intricacies of open-heart surgery.

Wait a minute.

Now, how`s that?

l made a mistake. l changed my mind.

Dr. Willoughby, l withdraw your nomination.

You can`t withdraw my nomination, Charley.

l just did.

Who`s got the Robert`s Rules of Order?

The nomination is withdrawn.

Call the Sergeant at Arms.

Amos, we don`t have a Sergeant at Arms.

Ann.

Oh, where`s Ann?

Who, senor?

Oh, she`s gone.

I'm just here filling in until they find someone else.

She`s not home.

The landlady said that she was going to be at the bus stop.

Hey, Atkinson. Atkinson.

Hi, there. What`s goin` on?

Listen, uh, wait a minute, will you, please?

What?

What seems to be the problem?

Really. You know what the problem is: you.

You`ve always got one eye out looking for something better.

l have. That`s true, l admit it.

Exactly. And not only do you look, you usually find.

Really, l thought you`d be different. l am different, God damn it!

Stop comparing me to Scooter.

Skip! l am not comparing you to him.

Oh, listen, Charley...

l don`t want to hear a sentence that starts: Listen, Charley.

Okay. Look, Charley, l like my life the way it is.

lt may not be Shangri-la but l happen like it. And l don`t need you.

Yes, but l need you.

Don`t you understand that? l love you.

Will you listen to me, please?

Something terrific happened today.

l did not nominate Willoughby.

Well, l did nominate him, but then l withdrew it.

And then l told him off.

Really? Yes.

I'm very glad to hear that.

That`s all? Glad?

Okay, I'm delighted. Excuse me, I've a cheesecake to deliver.

You`re not excused.

Do you think l like my life?

lt stinks. Yes. ln a word, l do.

You think l like waking up in a strange bed every morning?

Ann, do you think l like walking into closets,

thinking they`re goddamn bathrooms, huh?

You think l like that? l hate that.

You know, you`re not listening to one single word I'm saying?

l want to marry you, for Christ`s sake.

Of course, doesn`t everybody?

God damn it.

Now listen, show me some respect.

This is a major moment in my life.

Did you hear what l said?

Go on, go ahead.

l mean, the last time... l mean, the last time....

Hold it. The last time l asked anybody to marry me,

l was wearing a raccoon coat and stilts.

You broke my heart.

Well, don`t worry about it. I'm a doctor, I'll fix it.

Okay. We`ll give it a try.

l won`t marry you, but we`ll try it for one week.

A week?

How about a month?

What are you doing?

Those cheesecakes have been paid for.

Two weeks.

Three.

Grab your coat, get your hat

Leave your worries on the doorstep

Just direct your feet

Oh. to the sunny side of the street

Can`t you hear that pitter-pat?

Oh, and that happy tune is your step

Life can be oh, so sweet

On the sunny side of the street

Now, I used to walk around in the shade

With all those blues on parade

Oh, but now I`m not afraid

`Cause I`m a rover who has crossed over

And if I never had a cent

Gonna be rich as old Mr. Rockefeller

Gold dust at my feet

On the sunny side of the street

If I never had a cent

Gonna be rich as old Mr. Rockefeller

Gold dust at my feet

On the sunny side of the street