Original subtitles

- Hey. - ALL: Hey!

So, how was Joan?

I broke up with her.

Oh, why?

Don't tell me, because of the big nostril thing?

They were huge.

When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.

Come on, they were not that huge.

I'm tellin' you, she leaned back, I could see her brain.

How many perfectly fine women are you going to reject

over the most superficial, insignificant things?

Hold it, hold it. I got to side with Chandler on this one.

When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl,

really hot, great kisser,

but she had the biggest Adam's apple.

It drove me nuts.

- You or me? - I got it.

Uh, Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.

Heh, heh. You guys are messin' with me, right?

Yeah. We are.

That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, whoa!

Sync by chocomoon www.addic7ed.com

{an8}♪ So no one told you life was going to be this way ♪

{an8}♪ Your job's a joke, you're broke ♪

{an8}♪ Your love life's D.O.A. ♪

{an8}♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪

{an8}♪ And it hasn't been your day ♪

{an8}♪ Your week, your month, or even your year ♪

{an8}♪ But I'll be there for you ♪

{an8}♪ When the rain starts to fall ♪

{an8}♪ I'll be there for you ♪

{an8}♪ Like I've been there before ♪

{an8}♪ I'll be there for you ♪

{an8}♪ 'Cause you're there for me, too ♪

{an8}So, you name one woman that you broke up with for an actual real reason.

{an8}Maureen Rosillo.

{an8}'Cause she doesn't hate Yanni, is not a real reason.

{an8}[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

{an8}Oh...

{an8}hello, Mr. Heckles.

{an8}You're doing it again.

{an8}We're not doing anything.

{an8}You're stomping. It's disturbing my birds.

{an8}You don't have birds.

{an8}I could have birds.

{an8}Okay, Mr. Heckles, we'll try to keep it down.

{an8}Thank you.

{an8}I'm going to rejoin my dinner party.

{an8}All right. Bye-bye.

{an8}CHANDLER: Okay, Janice. Janice.

{an8}You got to give me Janice. That wasn't about being picky.

{an8}We'll give you Janice.

{an8}I miss Janice, though.

{an8}[NASAL VOICE]: Hello, Chandler Bing.

{an8}[IMITATING JANICE]: Oh...my...God.

{an8}[NASAL VOICE]: Oh, Chandler...

now...now...

that's it.

There. Faster.

[LAUGHING]

[KNOCKING UNDERNEATH FLOOR]

Ugh. Stop with the broom! We're not making noise!

[STOMPING]

[KNOCKING]

[STOMPING]

[KNOCKING]

[ALL STOMPING]

- We won. - We did?

- We won! Whoo! - Whoo!

[ALL GROANING]

Mr. Heckles...

- How did this happen? - He must have been sweepin'.

They found a broom in his hand.

Oh. Oh, dear God.

- That's terrible. - I know.

I was sweepin' yesterday.

- It could have been me. - ROSS: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- JOEY: Sure, sure, you could have - Sweeping...you never know.

Never know.

Okay, it's very faint, but I can still sense him in the building.

[SCREAMING]: Go into the light, Mr. Heckles!

Okay, Phoebe.

I'm sorry, but sometimes they need help.

[ALL GROAN]

- Yeah. - Here we go.

That's fine. Go ahead and scoff.

You know, there are a lot of things out there that I don't believe in,

but that doesn't mean they're not true.

Such as?

Like crop circles, or the Bermuda Triangle, or evolution.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What, you don't, uh... you don't believe in evolution?

Nah. Not really.

You don't believe in evolution?

I don't know. It's just, you know...

monkeys, Darwin...you know, it's a, it's a nice story.

I just think it's a little too easy.

Too easy? Too...?

The process of every living thing on this planet evolving

over millions of years from single- celled organisms, is, is too easy?

Yeah, I just don't buy it.

Uh, excuse me. Evolution is not for you to buy, Phoebe.

Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe,

like gravity.

Oh. Okay, don't get me started on gravity.

You, uh...you don't believe in gravity?

Well, it's not so much that, you know, like

I don't believe in it. You know, it's just...

I don't know, lately I get the feeling that

I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.

Pushed. Pushed.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Uh-oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed.

Oh, there she is. And over there, that's the other one.

This is Mr. Buddy Boyle... Mr. Heckles' attorney.

He'd like to talk to you.

What can we do for you?

All right, kids. Here's the deal...

according to my client's will,

he wants to leave all his earthly possessions

to the, uh, "noisy girls in the apartment above mine."

What?

Well, what about his family?

- He didn't have any. - JOEY: Whoa.

Oh...okay, so let's talk money.

All right. There was none.

Now, let's talk signing.

You be noisy girl number one. You be noisy girl number two.

I can't believe that this whole time we thought he hated us.

I mean, isn't it amazing how much you can touch someone's life,

without even knowing it?

Would you look at this dump?

He hated us. This was his final revenge.

Have you ever seen so much crap?

Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap.

Check this out.

Can I have this?

How can you not believe in evolution?

I don't know. Just don't. Look at this funky shirt.

Look, Pheebs. I have studied evolution my entire adult life.

Okay, and I can tell you, we have collected fossils from all over the world

that actually show the evolution of different species, okay?

I mean, you can literally see them

evolving through time.

Really? You can actually see it?

You bet. In...uh, in the U.S., China, Africa, all over.

See, I didn't know that.

Well, there you go.

Huh.

So, now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why?

Hey, look at this. "My Big Book of Grievances."

Hey, there's me.

"April 17th...excessive noise.

Italian guy comes home with a date." Yeah.

Hey, Chandler, look, you're in here, too.

"April 18th...excessive noise.

Italian guy's gay roommate brings home dry-cleaning."

Well, that's excellent.

Monica...Monica, look at this lamp.

Is this tacky or what? We have to have this.

Uh, Rach, I think we have enough regular lamps.

What? Oh, come on. It's not like

I'm asking for this girlie clock or anything.

Which, by the way, I also think is really cool.

Look, it doesn't go with any of my stuff.

Well, what about my stuff?

You don't have any stuff.

You still think of it as your apartment, don't you?

Mm...no.

Yes, you do.

You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just somebody who rents a room.

Mmm...

Okay, while you "mmm" on that for a while,

I'm going to go find a place for my new lamp.

Mm...mm, mm, mm!

Okay, Pheebs. See how I'm making these little toys move?

Opposable thumbs!

Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs?

Maybe the Overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.

Please tell me you're joking.

Look, can't we just say that you believe in something, and I don't?

- No, no. No, Pheebs, we can't. - Why not? - Okay, because...

What is this obsessive need you have to make everybody agree with you?

No, what's that all about? You know what I think?

I think, I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope.

Is there blood coming out of my ears?

Check it out. Check it out. Heckles' high school yearbook.

Look.

Wow, he looks so normal.

He's even kind of cute.

"Heckles, you crack me up in science class.

You're the funniest kid in school."

- Funniest? Heckles? - That's what it says.

Wow. Heckles was voted class clown, and so was I.

[THUMPING FROM UPSTAIRS]

He was right. Would you listen to that?

I'd call that excessive.

- Whoa! - What?

Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet.

And he was in the scale modeler's club, and I was...

well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool.

So, you were both dorks.

Big deal.

I just think it's weird, you know? [THUMPING] Heckles and me...

[THUMPING]

- Heckles, and me, me... - [THUMPING]

- me and Heckles... - [THUMPING]

Hey, would you knock it off!

[BANGING ON CEILING]

[YELLS] Bah!

Have you been here all night?

Look at this.

Pictures of all the women that Heckles went out with.

Look what he wrote on them. "Vivian, too tall."

"Madge, big gums."

"Too loud."

"Too smart." "Makes noise when she eats."

This is...this is me.

This is what I do.

I'm going to end up alone, just like he did.

Chandler, Heckles was a nut case.

Our trains are on the same track, okay?

Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same.

Bitter Town,

Alone-ville, Hermit Junction.

All right, you know what we got to do? We got to get you out of here.

Come on, I'll buy you breakfast. Let's go.

What if I never find somebody? Or even worse, what if I've found her,

but I dumped her because she pronounced it "supposably"?

Chandler, come on, you're going to find somebody.

How do you know that? How?

I don't know. I'm just tryin' to help you out.

You'll see, you guys are all going to go off and get married,

and I'm going to end up alone.

Will you promise me something?

When you're married, will you invite me over for holidays?

Well, I mean, I don't know. I don't know what we're going to be doin'.

I mean, what if we're over at her folks' place?

Yeah, I understand.

You can come over and watch the Super Bowl.

Every year, all right?

You know what? I'm not going to end up like this.

I'll see you, man.

Geez.

"Supposably..."

Supposably.

"Did they go to the zoo?"

"Supposably."

Hi, it's me.

Oh...my...God.

Janice? You called Janice?

Yes, Janice.

Why is that so difficult for you to comprehend?

You remember Janice, right?

Yes. She was smart, she was pretty, and she honestly cared about me.

Janice is my last chance to have somebody.

Hello!

Oh...my...God.

Jeez, look how fat she got.

- Hey, it's everybody. - ALL: Hi, Janice.

Janice, you're...

Yes, I am.

- Is it...? - Is it yours? Hah!

You wish, Chandler Bing.

You are looking at a married lady now.

[WITH POLITE INDIFFERENCE]: Oh.

Yeah.

Congratulations.

Aw, sweetie, I'm sorry.

You couldn't have told me about this over the phone?

And what? Missed the expression on your face? Oh, no.

Janice likes to have her fun.

[BRAYING LAUGH]

Hey, Rach.

You know what we haven't played in a while?

- What? - Hide the lamp.

Okay. Monica, let it go.

Did you know I was allergic to shellfish?

Well, then, you'll just have to eat the other lamps.

Uh-oh. It's Scary Scientist Man.

Okay, Phoebe, this is it.

In this briefcase I carry actual scientific facts...

a briefcase of facts, if you will.

Some of these fossils are over 200 million years old.

Okay, look, before you even start, I'm not denying evolution, okay,

I'm just saying that it's just one of the possibilities.

It's the only possibility, Phoebe.

Okay, Ross, could you just open your mind, like, this much? Okay?

Now, wasn't there a time when the brightest minds

in the world believed that the Earth was flat?

And, up until like, what, 50 years ago,

you all thought the atom was the smallest thing,

until you split it open, and this, like, whole mess of crap came out.

Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant

that you can't admit that there's a teeny, tiny possibility

that you could be wrong about this?

There might be...

a teeny...

tiny...

possibility.

I can't believe you caved.

What?

You just abandoned your whole belief system.

I mean, before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you.

But...

How, how, how are you going

- to go into work tomorrow? - How...?

How, how are you going to face the other science guys?

How, how are you going to face yourself? Oh!

That was fun. So, who's hungry?

I am.

Me, too. Let me just get my coat.

[CRASH]

Oh!

What happened?!

Okay, all right. It was an accident, I swear. All right?

I was putting on my jacket, and the thing...and the lamp, and it broke.

Oh, please, Monica. You've always hated my lamp.

And now all of a sudden, it's just magically, it's just broken?

Phoebe, tell her.

Okay, I didn't see it, 'cause I was putting on my jacket,

but I, um, want to believe you.

Hey, Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp.

Neat.

I'm going to die alone.

Okay, you win.

Chandler, you are not going to die alone.

Janice was my safety net, okay?

And now I have to get a snake.

Uh-huh. Why is that?

If I'm going to be an old, lonely man, I'm going to need a thing,

you know? A hook.

Like that guy on the subway who eats his own face.

So I figure I'll be "Crazy Man With A Snake," you know?

Crazy Snake Man.

And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies.

Kids won't walk past my place, they will run.

"Run away from Crazy Snake Man!" They'll shout.

You've got to get over this, okay?

You're not going to end up alone.

Of course I am.

I reject anyone who's crazy enough to actually go out with me,

and then I bitch about the fact that there aren't any great women out there.

Chandler, you have just described

virtually every man that we have ever gone out with.

Yeah.

You are not a freak. You're a guy.

RACHEL: She's right, she's right.

You're no different than the rest of them.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Yes, he is.

Yeah. You are totally different.

In a bad way?

No, honey, in a wonderful way.

You know what you want now.

Most guys don't even have a clue.

You're ready to take risks, you are ready to

be vulnerable, and intimate with someone.

Yeah. You're not going to end up alone.

Chandler, you called Janice. That's how much you wanted to be with someone.

- You've made it. - You're there.

You are ready to make a commitment.

Whoa! Don't know about that.

Wow. What you got there?

Something else that's not yours that you can break?

No.

Um...I know you like this, and I want you to have it.

I think it would look good in our apartment.

Thank you.

[WHISTLED CATCALLS]

That's fine.

- Hey! - Hey!

Well, you will all be pleased to know that I have a date tomorrow night.

This woman, Allison, from work... she is great.

She's pretty, she's smart. And, uh...I've been

holding off on asking her out in the past, because she has a, uh...

unusually large head.

But, I'm not going to let that stuff hang me up anymore.

All right.

Look at me. I'm growing.

Hey, uh, you can't recycle yearbooks, can you?

I'll take that.

You want his yearbook?

Yeah, yeah. Some people said some nice things

about him. I think somebody should have it.

Oh, gosh, this is so weird.

I mean, his whole life was in this apartment, and now it's gone.

You know, I think it would be nice if we just took a few moments, for Mr. Heckles.

I mean, he was kind of a pain. He was, but, he was a person.

[ALL LAUGHING]

What?

You're all going to hell.

Oh, it's really not that big.

- Takin' that with you, huh? - Oh, yeah.

Hey, you comin'?

Yeah, just a second.

Good-bye, Mr. Heckles.

We'll try to keep it down.

{an8}Oh, my major was totally useless.

{an8}I mean, how often do you look in the classifieds and see "Philosopher Wanted"?

{an8}Heh, heh. Sure.

{an8}[THINKING]: My God, that's a big head.

{an8}It didn't look this big in the office. Maybe it's the lighting.

{an8}My head must look like a golf ball at work.

{an8}All right, don't get hung up on it. Quick, quick. List five things you like about her.

{an8}Nice smile, good dresser...

{an8}big head, big head, big head.

Sync by chocomoon www.addic7ed.com