Original subtitles

[BOTH SCREAMING]

- CHANDLER: I'm sorry! - RACHEL: Oh, my God! That is it!

You just barge in here, and you

- don't knock? - I'm sorry!

You have no respect for anybody's privacy!

- Rachel, wait, wait. - No! You wait! This is ridiculous!

- Can I just say one thing? - What?! What?!

That's a relatively open weave and I can still see your...

- nippular areas. - Ugh!!

Sync by chocomoon www.addic7ed.com

{an8}♪ So no one told you life was going to be this way ♪

{an8}♪ Your job's a joke, you're broke ♪

{an8}♪ Your love life's D.O.A. ♪

{an8}♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪

{an8}♪ And it hasn't been your day ♪

{an8}♪ Your week, your month, or even your year ♪

{an8}♪ But I'll be there for you ♪

{an8}♪ When the rain starts to fall ♪

{an8}♪ I'll be there for you ♪

{an8}♪ Like I've been there before ♪

{an8}♪ I'll be there for you ♪

{an8}♪ 'Cause you're there for me, too ♪

{an8}Oh, honey, honey, tell them the story about your patient

{an8}who thinks things are, like, other things.

{an8}You know?

{an8}Like, when the phone rings and she takes a shower.

{an8}That's pretty much it.

{an8}Oops.

{an8}But you tell it really well, sweetie.

{an8}Thanks. Okay.

{an8}Now go away so we can talk about you.

{an8}Okay. I'll miss you.

{an8}Isn't he great?

{an8}He's so cute! And he seems to like you so much.

{an8}I know, I know.

{an8}He's so sweet, oh, and so complicated, you know?

And for a shrink, he's not too "shrinky," you know?

So, you think you'll do it on his couch?

Oh, I don't know, I don't know. I think that's a little weird, you know?

It's vinyl.

- Okay. Any of you guys want anything else? - Oh, yes.

- Could I have one of those...? - No, I'm sorry. We're all out of those.

- Anybody else? - Okay.

Did I, uh, did I miss something between...?

No. She's still upset because I saw her boobies.

You what? Wh-what were you doing seeing her boobies?

It was an accident.

Not like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of doughnuts.

[ROGER LAUGHS]

Okay, okay. Could we change the subject, please?

Yeah, because, hello? These aren't her "boobies," these are her breasts.

Okay, Pheebs, I was hoping for more of a change.

You know, I don't know why you're so embarrassed. They were very nice boobies.

"Nice"?

They were "nice"?

I mean, that's it? I mean, mittens are "nice."

Okay. Rock. Hard place.

Me.

[ROGER LAUGHING]

You're...you're... you're so funny!

He's really funny!

Of course, I wouldn't want to be there when the laughter stops.

Whoa, whoa. Back up there, Sparky.

What did you mean by that?

Oh, it just seems as though that maybe you have intimacy issues...

you know, that you use your humor as a way of keeping people at a distance.

Huh.

I mean, hey! I just met you, I don't know you from Adam.

Only child, right?

Parents divorced before you hit puberty.

Uh-huh. How did you know that?

It's textbook.

Hey, you guys.

- Hey, you all know my dad, right? - ALL: Hey! Hey, Mr. Trib!

- Hey, how long are you in the city? - Just for a couple of days.

I got a job midtown.

I figure I'm better off staying with the kid

than hauling my ass back and forth on the ferry.

I don't know this one.

- Oh, this is my friend Roger. - Hi.

- Hey, hey. Good to meet you, Roger. - ROGER: You, too, sir.

What happened to the, uh, puppet guy?

- Dad, uh, Dad. - Oh, oh.

Excuse me.

So, Ross, uh, how's the wife?

[ROSS GROANS]

Off there too, huh? Heh.

Uh, Chandler, quick, say something funny.

Got to go. Ha, ha. I miss you, too.

I love you, but it's getting real late now.

Let me say hi. Hey, Ma!

Listen, I made the appointment with Dr. Bassida and...

excuse me?

Did you know this isn't Ma?

Her name's Ronni.

She's a pet mortician.

Sure.

So how long have you been...?

Remember when you were a little kid, I used to take you to the Navy yard

and show you the big ships?

- Since then?! - No, it's only been six years.

I just wanted to put a nice memory in your head

so you'd know I wasn't always such a terrible guy.

Joe, have you ever been in love?

I don't know.

Then you haven't.

- You're burning your tomatoes. - Hmm. You're one to talk.

Joe, your dad's in love, big time.

And the worst part of it is, it's with two different women.

Oh, man, please tell me one of them is Ma.

Of course, course one of them's Ma. What's the matter with you?

It's like if you woke up one day and found out

your dad was leading this double life.

He's, like, actually some spy, working for the CIA.

That would be cool.

This blows!

Yeah. I know. I mean, why can't parents just stay parents?

Why do they have to become people?

Why do they have...?

Why...

can't you stop staring at my breasts?

What? What?

Did you not get a good enough look the other day?

All right, all right. We're all adults here.

There's only one way to resolve this.

Since you saw her boobies,

I think, uh, you're going to have to show her your pee-pee.

You know, I don't see that happening.

Come on. He's right. Tit for tat.

Well, I'm not showing you my tat!

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Hello?

- PHOEBE: It's Phoebe. - ROGER: And Rog!

Come on up.

Oh, good. Rog is here.

- What's the matter with Rog? - Ah, it's nothing. It's a little thing.

I hate that guy.

What? So he was a little analytical. That's what he does, you know?

Come on, he's not that bad.

You see, that's where you're wrong. Why would I marry her

if I thought on any level that she was a lesbian?

I don't know.

Maybe you wanted your marriage to fail.

- Ha, ha. - Why? Why would I? Why?

Why? Why? Why?

I don't know. Maybe... maybe low self-esteem.

Maybe...maybe to compensate for overshadowing a sibling. Maybe you...

Wait...wait! Go back to that sibling thing.

Well, I don't know.

I mean, it's conceivable that you wanted to sabotage your marriage

so that the sibling would feel like less of a failure in the eyes of the parents.

[SQUEAKS IN DISBELIEF]

That...that's ridiculous! I don't feel guilty for her failures.

- Oh! So you think I'm a failure? - Isn't he good?

Yeah. No, no, no, that... that's not what I was saying.

You know, all these years, I thought you were on my side.

But maybe what you were doing was sucking up to Mom and Dad

so they'd keep liking you better!

Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good!

[VOICE QUAVERING] You're right.

I mean, you're right!

It wasn't just the Weebles, but it was the Weeble Play Palace,

and...the Weeble's Cruise Ship...

oh, which had this little lifeboat for the Weebles to wobble in.

That's tough, tough stuff.

Come on, Pheebs, if we're going to catch that movie, we got to get going.

Oh, okay. Feel better, Rachel, okay?

ROGER: Geez, we're going to be

- late, sweetie... - Oh, okay.

- Listen, thanks for everything, Mon. - No problem.

Listen, guys, it was great seeing you again.

[ROSS MUTTERS]

Mon, uh, easy on those cookies, okay?

Remember, they're just food,

they're not love.

I hate that guy!

JOEY: Good night, you guys.

Oh, look, it's the woman we ordered.

Hey. Can, uh, can we help you?

Aw, no, thanks. I'm just waiting for, uh, Joey Tribbiani.

I'm Joey Tribbiani.

Oh. Oh, no, not you. Big Joey.

Oh, my God,

you're so much cuter than your pictures!

I...I'm, I'm Ronni.

Cheese Nip?

Uh...Joey's having an embolism,

but I'd go for a Nip, you know?

Now, you see, most people, when their pets pass on,

they want 'em sort of laid out like they're sleeping.

But, occasionally you get your person who wants them in a pose.

Like, uh, chasing their tail,

or, uh, jumping to catch a Frisbee.

Joey, if I go first, I want to be looking for my keys.

[RONNI LAUGHS]

- That's a good one. - Hey, Joe.

Hey, Dad. Ronni's here.

- Huh? - Hi.

- Hey! - RONNl: Hey.

Hello, babe.

Wh-what are...what are you doing here?

Oh, uh, well, you left your good hair at my apartment,

I figured you'd need it tomorrow for your meeting.

Thank you. Uh...

So, who's up for a big game of Kerplunk?

Look, I, uh...

I shouldn't have come.

I...I'd better get going. I don't want to miss the last train.

No, I don't want you taking that thing this late.

- Oh, where am I going to stay...here? - Who-ah-ho.

We'll go to a hotel.

We'll go to a hotel.

- No, you won't. - No, we won't.

If you go to a hotel, you'll be...doing stuff.

I want you right here, where I can keep an eye on you.

You're going to keep an eye on us?

That's right, mister,

and I don't care how old you are. As long as you're under my roof,

you're going to live by my rules.

And that means no sleeping with your girlfriend.

Wow. He's strict.

Now, Dad, you'll be in my room.

Ronni, uh, you can stay in Chandler's room.

Thanks. You're, uh... you're a good kid.

Come on. I'll show you to my room.

That sounds so weird when it's not followed by, "No, thanks, it's late!"

Okay. Now, this is just for tonight.

Starting tomorrow, you got to make a change.

- Six years has gone on long enough. - What kind of change?

Well, either you break it off with Ronni...

I can't do that!

Then you got to come clean with Ma!

- This is not right! - Yeah, but this is...

I don't want to hear it! Now go to my room!

Hey, Kicky...

- what are you doing? - Just trying to get comfortable.

- I can't sleep in my underwear. - Well, you're going to.

I've been thinking.

You know, about how I'm always seeing girls on top of girls.

Are they end-to-end, or tall, like pancakes?

You know what I mean, about how I'm always going out with all these women.

And I always figured, when the right one comes along,

I'll be able to be a stand-up guy and go the distance, you know?

Now I'm looking at my Dad, thinking...

Hey, you're not him, you're you.

When they were all over you to go into your

father's pipe-fitting business, did you cave?

- No. - No.

You decided to go into the out-of-work actor business.

Now, that wasn't easy, but you did it!

And I'd like to believe that when the right woman comes along,

you'll have the courage and the guts to say,

"No thanks, I'm married."

You really think so?

Yeah. I really do.

- Thanks, Chandler. - Get off!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Hi. - Hi...

may I help you?

Yeah, uh, Joey said I could use your shower since, uh, Chandler's in ours?

Okay...who are you?

- Oh! Uh, I'm Ronni. Ronni Rapalono? - Uh-huh.

The mistress?

- Um, come on in. - Oh, thanks.

- Hi, I'm Rachel. - Hi.

- Bathroom's up there. - Great.

Hey, listen, Ronni,

how long would you say Chandler's been in the shower?

Oh, like, uh, five minutes?

[UNDER BREATH] Perfect.

Fasten your seat belts,

it's pee-pee time!

Hey, Mr. Trib.

Hey. Good morning, dear.

[SHOWER RUNNING]

Chandler Bing, it's time to see your thing.

- [RACHEL SHRIEKS] - [JOEY SCREAMS]

- JOEY: What's the matter with you?! - I thought it was Chandler!

What? What?

You were supposed to be in there so I could see your thing!

Sorry, my...my thing was in there with me.

- PHOEBE: Hey. - ALL: Hey, Pheebs.

- MONICA: How's it going? - Good. Oh, oh!

Roger's having a dinner thing and he wanted me to invite you guys.

[CHANDLER CHUCKLES]

- So, what's going on? - Nothing.

It's, um...it's just that, uh...

it's Roger.

Um, ahem, I don't know. There's something about...ahem.

Basically, we just feel that he's, uh...

We hate that guy.

MONICA: We hate him!

We're sorry, Pheebs, we're sorry.

Uh-huh, okay.

Okay, don't you think, maybe though, it's just that he's so perceptive

that it freaked you out?

- No, I hate him. - No, we hate him.

We're sorry.

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

Ma! What are you doing here?

I came to give you this...

- and this! - Oww!

Big ring!

Why did you have to fill your father's head with all that garbage

about making things right?

Things were fine the way they were!

There's chicken in there. Put it away.

For God's sake, Joey. Really!

Hold on. You...you knew?

Of course I knew! What do you think?

Your father is no James Bond.

You should have heard some of his cover stories.

"I'm sleeping over at my accountant's,"

I mean, what is that? Please!

So, then, how could you, I mean, how could you?!

Do you remember how your father used to be?

Always yelling, always yelling. Nothing made him happy, nothing made him happy,

not that wood shop, not those stupid little ships in the bottle...nothing!

Now he's happy.

I mean, it's nice, he has a hobby.

Ma, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but...

what the hell are you talking about?!

- I mean, what about you? - Me? I'm fine.

Look, honey...

in an ideal world,

there'd be no her, and your father would look like Sting.

And I'll tell you something else.

Ever since that poodle-stuffer came along,

he's been so ashamed of himself that he's been more attentive,

he's been more loving.

I mean, it's like every day is our anniversary.

I'm...happy...for you?

Well, don't be,

because now everything's screwed up.

I just want it the way it was.

JOEY: Ma, I'm sorry.

I...I just did what I thought you'd want.

I know you did, cookie. Oh, I know you did.

So, tell me...

did you see her?

Yeah.

You're ten times prettier than she is.

That's sweet.

Could I take her?

Huh...with this ring? No contest!

- ROGER: What's wrong, sweetie? - PHOEBE: Nothing, nothing.

No, no. What's wrong? Come on.

Oh, okay.

It's, I mean, it's nothing, I'm fine.

It's just, um... it's my friends.

They...they have a liking problem with you.

In that, um,

they don't.

Oh. They don't?

But, you know,

they don't see all of the wonderfulness that I see.

They don't see all the good stuff and all the sweet stuff.

They just think you're a little...

- What? - Intense and creepy.

Oh.

But I don't. Me, Phoebe.

Well, I'm not, I'm not at all surprised they feel that way.

You're not? See, that's why you're so great!

Actually, it's, it's quite, you know, typical behavior

when you have this kind of dysfunctional group dynamic.

You know, this kind of co-dependent,

emotionally stunted,

sitting in your stupid coffee house, with your stupid big cups

which, I'm sorry, might as well have nipples on them,

and you're all like, [WHINING] "Oh, define me! Define me!

Love me! I need love!"

So you talked to your dad, huh?

Yeah. He's going to keep cheating on Ma, like she wanted.

Ma's going to keep pretending she doesn't know even though she does,

and my little sister Tina can't see her husband anymore

'cause he got a restraining order...

which has nothing to do with anything except that I found out today.

Wow.

Things sure have changed here on Walton's mountain.

So, Joe, are you okay?

Yeah, I guess.

It's just...you know, they're parents.

After a certain point, you got to let go.

Even if you know better,

you've got to let them make their own mistakes.

And just think,

in a couple of years, we get to turn into them.

Oh, please!

If I turn into my parents, I'll either be an alcoholic blond

chasing after 20-year-old boys,

or...I'll end up like my mom.

- Hey. - ALL: Hey, Pheebs.

MONICA: How's it going?

Oh, okay, except I broke up with Roger.

ALL: Aww.

Yeah, right!

ALL: No, no, really. Aww!

- What happened? - Ugh. I don't know. I mean,

he's a good person,

and he can be really sweet.

And in some ways, I think he is so right for me.

It's just...I hate that guy!

{an8}Hey, Joey. What's going on?

{an8}Clear the tracks for the boobie payback express.

{an8}Next stop, Rachel Green.

{an8}[SHOWER RUNNING]

{an8}[MONICA & JOEY YELL]

{an8}Joey!! What the hell were you doing?!

{an8}Sorry, wrong boobies.

{an8}[SHOWER RUNNING]

{an8}Hello, Joey.

{an8}Oh! Hello, dear!

Sync by chocomoon www.addic7ed.com