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1
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"Help me out here, doc.
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I need a time of death.
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" "Sorry, lieutenant, but I can't give you "an official T.O.D.
4
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Until I get her on the slab.
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"But based on hypostatic lividity "and degree of rigor,
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I'd say our cheerleader got her pom-poms
pierced right around halftime.
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" Real?Real.
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"Anything else?
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" "Left-handed assailant, used a single-edged blade,
10
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multiple entry wounds and defensive trauma.
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" "So how are we gonna find this psychopath?
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" "Well, like our killer, we'll just have to...take a stab at it.
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" That's it.
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so, you think I'll get the part?
15
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Uh, well, I for one totally buy you as a brilliant forensic investigator.
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Thanks, but I believe it's pronounced "fornesic.
17
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" What do you think, charlie?
18
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Unbelievable.
19
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I mean...beyond belief.
20
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That's sweet.
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I mean...
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I just don't believe it.
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You made your point, charlie.
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Do you like what I did with the glasses?
25
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On, smart...off, hot.
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My mind is just completely blown.
27
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So when are you gonna be on tv?
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I have to pass the audition first.
29
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Let's not put the cart before the whores.
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Horse.
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Maybe a little.
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I've been rehearsing all day.
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what's the name of the show?
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- Stiffs.
- Stiffs?
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You know, like dead bodies.
36
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Oh, right.Sure.
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I know what you were thinking.
38
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Well, I better go.
39
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The audition's at 4:00 and I still have to get my tan sprayed on.
40
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Best of luck.
41
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It has nothing to do with luck, alan.
42
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You just have to stand still and keep your eyes and mouth closed.
43
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No, I meant...never mind.
44
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Knock 'em dead at the audition.
45
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Thanks.And thanks for lending me your chiropractor coat.
46
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Makes me feel like a real doctor.
47
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Now you know why alan wears it.
48
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Okay, well, uh, tell me how it goes.
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I will.
50
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Oh, and by the way.
51
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Did you get the divorce papers?
52
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Not really, but my lawyer explained them to me.Bye.
53
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The-they need to be signed.
54
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Kandi?
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hey, what's your hurry?
56
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If she becomes a big tv star while you're still married,
57
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she'll have to pay you alimony.
58
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Yeah, and if pigs start flying out of my rear end,
59
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we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives.
60
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I don't know that I'd eat that bacon.
61
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www.ydy.com
proudly presents
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sync:Mina
www.ydy.com
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Two And A Half Men
Season 4 Episode 18
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isn't anybody gonna get that?
65
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- Jake?
- Yeah?
66
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what are you doing?
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Hanging posters.
68
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Did you consider using scotch tape?
69
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It doesn't hold as well.
70
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Especially her.
71
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Who is that?
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Raven.
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She's the north american ladies' wrestling champ.
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Aha.All oiled up and ready to...wrestle.
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damn it!This isn't funny!
76
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Quick little bastards.
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What happened to your harry potter posters?
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I'm not a kid anymore, dad.
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You don't have to be a kid to like harry potter.
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You want it, take it.
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Aw, harry.
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You crumpled harry.
83
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You remember when we got this?
84
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No.
85
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Oh, come on, we stood on line outside that bookstore at midnight
86
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to get one of the first copies?
87
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You were dressed as harry and I was dressed as dumbledore.
88
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I don't remember, dad.
89
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Sure you do.
90
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You made fun of that other kid 'cause
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he had a flying mop instead of a broom, and, uh,
92
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he started crying and his father punched me in the chest?
93
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No.
94
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Yeah, well, you weren't the one with the cracked rib.
95
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Anyway, what, uh, what prompted you to...
96
00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:24,890
redecorate like this?
97
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I don't know, I like cars and wrestling.
98
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And wet t-shirts, apparently.
99
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Oh, there is a wet t-shirt on that--
100
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I hadn't noticed.
101
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Jake's redecorating.
102
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Yeah, I can see that.
103
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Oh, raven.
104
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Those are fake, by the way.
105
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- Charlie!
- What?He has a right to know.
106
00:06:00,770 --> 00:06:02,790
I'm just glad the little guy's got me to...
107
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wait a minute.
108
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Are those nails in my wall?
109
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Are you out of your freakin' mind?
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No.No?
111
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That's your answer?No?
112
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Yeah.
113
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Charlie...charlie, come on.
114
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For god's sake!
115
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These are railroad spikes!
116
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I'll putty over it.
117
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That's not plaster board, that's stucco.
118
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You can't just putty stucco.
119
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I know, I'll fix it.
120
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Let's just give him some privacy.
121
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Wait, wait, wait.
122
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At least I can take one hammer out of his hand.
123
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Jake, look at daddy.
124
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Look at daddy.
125
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Look at daddy.
126
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Ah, that's my boy.Where's daddy?
127
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Daddy's over here.
128
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Wasn't he adorable?
129
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Yeah.
130
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Hey, could you rewind to judith breast-feeding him?
131
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That was really adorable.
132
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Especially the part where she does the old switcheroo.
133
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I miss that little boy.
134
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Seems like only yesterday I could hold him in one arm.
135
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He didn't weigh more than eight or nine pounds.
136
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He craps more than that now.
137
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Where did the time go?
138
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His childhood is almost over and there's still
139
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so much stuff I want to do with him.
140
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Like what?
141
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You know, father-son stuff.
142
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Pretty soon, there'll be no more playing catch or riding bikes.
143
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Do you realize I've never even taken him fishing or camping or hunting?
144
00:07:47,030 --> 00:07:50,850
Do you know how to fish or camp or hunt?
145
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That's not the point.
146
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I-I-I thought we would learn together.
147
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Oh, that sounds good.
148
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You and knucklehead out in the woods
149
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taking turns shooting each other in the ass.
150
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Okay, it's not so much about hunting, per se.
151
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"Per se." There's an outdoorsy phrase.
152
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It's about bonding.
153
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Before you know it, he'll have no interest in spending time with me at all.
154
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Not unless you grow boobs and straddle a harley.
155
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All right, look.
156
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It doesn't help to whine about it.
157
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If you want to get lost in the woods with jerky gherkinheimer, go do it.
158
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My life is just one big joke to you, isn't it?
159
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Actually, it's more of a limerick.
160
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There once was a moron named al, who wanted to camp with his pal...
161
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any chance you can go camping in nantucket?
162
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So, charlie, where's the wife and kid?
163
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They went camping to do some father-son bonding.
164
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alan: And when they looked at the door handle of the car,
165
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there was nothing there...
166
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but a hook.
167
00:09:31,980 --> 00:09:35,090
A hook?That makes no sense.
168
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Oh, I left out a part.
169
00:09:37,130 --> 00:09:39,860
Um, uh, okay, the guy who escaped from the insane asylum
170
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had lost his hand in some kind of an industrial accident.
171
00:09:42,570 --> 00:09:46,170
Anyway, they replaced it with a sharp metal hook.
172
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And it was said hook that was stuck on the aforementioned door handle.
173
00:09:58,750 --> 00:10:03,770
dad, over the past three birthdays I've gotten $175 in bookstore gift cards.
174
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They're yours if we can just go home.
175
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No, no, we're having fun.
176
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Hey, I know-- we'll sing a song.
177
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:18,160
On top of spaghetti all covered with cheese
178
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come on, you used to love this one.
179
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I lost my poor meatball when somebody sneezed it rolled off the table and...
180
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onto the floor!
181
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come on!
182
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And then my poor meatball rolled right out the door.
183
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Oh, come on.We had an adventure.
184
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- Dad...
- yeah, buddy?
185
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Bite me.
186
00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:59,690
You'll see.Someday you and and I will look back
187
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on this weekend and laugh and laugh...
188
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I didn't say someday soon.
189
00:11:12,210 --> 00:11:13,050
Hey, come on.
190
00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:16,120
I thought you liked wet t-shirts.
191
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:29,010
Hey.Hey.
192
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Shut up.
193
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Oh, come on, alan.We both know I can't do that.
194
00:11:39,550 --> 00:11:41,430
What do you want me to say, that it was a bad idea?
195
00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,400
Okay, it was a bad idea.
196
00:11:43,450 --> 00:11:46,250
And the only thing we bonded over was our mutual discomfort
197
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with pooping into a coffee can.
198
00:11:49,620 --> 00:11:52,370
It wasn't chock full o' nuts, was it?
199
00:11:54,890 --> 00:11:57,480
Sorry, sorry.Where's jake?
200
00:11:57,540 --> 00:12:00,580
He went back to his friends in hooterville.
201
00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:05,270
Well, I can't blame him.
202
00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:08,060
It never rains in hooterville.
203
00:12:09,590 --> 00:12:13,660
Look, alan, seriously, I'm, I'm sorry it didn't work out.
204
00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:15,280
I know your heart was in the right place.
205
00:12:15,310 --> 00:12:16,330
Thank you.
206
00:12:16,380 --> 00:12:19,930
Now, I finished the limerick.You want to hear it?
207
00:12:21,740 --> 00:12:24,210
Too soon?
208
00:12:24,630 --> 00:12:25,640
You don't get it.
209
00:12:25,690 --> 00:12:28,620
You don't understand what it's like to be a little boy's best friend,
210
00:12:28,630 --> 00:12:30,420
to be someone he looks up to,
211
00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:32,230
and then one day you turn around
212
00:12:32,270 --> 00:12:34,730
and the only person he looks up to is covered with baby oil
213
00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:37,230
and nailed to the ceiling.
214
00:12:37,350 --> 00:12:38,340
Count your blessings.
215
00:12:38,370 --> 00:12:40,470
There's all kinds of pictures that could have been up there.
216
00:12:40,490 --> 00:12:41,480
Yeah, I guess.
217
00:12:41,510 --> 00:12:44,450
It could have been the moscow ballet.
218
00:12:45,110 --> 00:12:46,900
I got it.Still,
219
00:12:46,930 --> 00:12:48,770
I can't help but feel a little empty inside,
220
00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:52,280
like, like a chapter of my life is over.
221
00:12:52,310 --> 00:12:55,240
So?You've still got plenty to look forward to.
222
00:12:55,290 --> 00:12:58,740
You mean, besides work, loneliness and death?
223
00:12:59,500 --> 00:13:01,160
Absolutely.
224
00:13:01,210 --> 00:13:04,650
There's memory loss...
225
00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:11,980
impotence, adult diapers.
226
00:13:12,790 --> 00:13:15,610
I'm all you've got, pal.
227
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Thatssrue.
228
00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:27,210
O my wives are gone, my son is grown, but I'll always have you...
229
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my brother.
230
00:13:33,990 --> 00:13:37,040
Forever.
231
00:13:37,940 --> 00:13:41,410
Okay, now, I was just having fun, but that was mean.
232
00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:47,750
Well, when will he be back?
233
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All right, tell him I called again.
234
00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:52,140
Boy, some agent.
235
00:13:52,180 --> 00:13:54,560
He never calls, he never returns my calls.
236
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:57,670
I'm almost sorry I let him feel me up.
237
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:01,590
I guess that's showbiz.
238
00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:04,020
That's what he said.
239
00:14:04,650 --> 00:14:05,810
Uh, listen, kandi...
240
00:14:05,830 --> 00:14:07,900
I really thought they liked me at that audition.
241
00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:10,760
They had me read three times, and then all the jumping jacks.
242
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:11,670
Jumping jacks?
243
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:13,220
It's an action series, alan.
244
00:14:13,270 --> 00:14:15,390
They need to know that I'm fit.
245
00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:21,100
Ah.Uh, listen, kandi, there's something I wanted to talk to you about.
246
00:14:21,150 --> 00:14:23,710
If it's about the divorce papers I haven't signed them yet.
247
00:14:23,750 --> 00:14:25,820
No, no, that's not why I'm here.
248
00:14:25,850 --> 00:14:28,780
Um, sweetie, do you remember why we split up?
249
00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:30,900
The big reason or all the little reasons?
250
00:14:30,940 --> 00:14:33,490
'Cause there were a lot of little reasons, alan.
251
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I know.
252
00:14:34,530 --> 00:14:36,620
Like the way yd d toenaienen grow all crazy.
253
00:14:36,670 --> 00:14:40,050
- Right.Got it.
- And your ear hair and your nose hair.
254
00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:43,640
And that one long hair on your back, yuck!
255
00:14:44,370 --> 00:14:45,670
Wait, forget the little reasons.
256
00:14:45,700 --> 00:14:47,170
Just, just the big one.
257
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Yeah, you didn't want to have a baby, and I did.
258
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:53,540
Right.Well, what would you say if I were to tell you
259
00:14:53,570 --> 00:14:58,040
that I've changed my mind about that?
260
00:14:58,610 --> 00:15:00,100
- Really?
- Yeah,
261
00:15:00,150 --> 00:15:03,530
I've just been thinking that jake is almost grown
262
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:07,910
and there's still a lot of daddy left in me.
263
00:15:08,390 --> 00:15:10,620
So you want to have a baby?
264
00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:11,960
Yes, I do.
265
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:15,200
A fresh start, a-a-a new chapter.
266
00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:17,340
Wow, that's a big step.
267
00:15:17,380 --> 00:15:18,930
Yeah, I know.I know it is.
268
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,480
So if you want to think about it...
269
00:15:20,510 --> 00:15:23,560
no, that's okay.Let's make a baby.
270
00:15:23,630 --> 00:15:24,720
Just like that?
271
00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:26,130
Don't you want to talk about it some more?
272
00:15:26,180 --> 00:15:29,820
Alan, it's practically all we talked about our entire marriage.
273
00:15:29,870 --> 00:15:35,290
Baby, baby, toenails, baby, ear hair, baby, how clocks work, baby.
274
00:15:37,420 --> 00:15:40,640
so...so you really want to do this?
275
00:15:40,690 --> 00:15:42,910
Do what?
276
00:15:44,970 --> 00:15:48,390
You see, if you use tape, it's much easier to rotate
277
00:15:48,430 --> 00:15:52,090
in new posters when these ones stop working for you.
278
00:15:52,130 --> 00:15:54,390
I don't think that's gonna happen.
279
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:55,170
Trust me.
280
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:57,610
After a while, these beautiful eyes are gonna be
281
00:15:57,640 --> 00:16:00,600
filled with judgment and conddnation.
282
00:16:00,770 --> 00:16:02,710
What are you talking about?
283
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:05,360
Okay, maybe that was just me.
284
00:16:06,690 --> 00:16:10,880
Anyway, you're lucky your dad lets you hang posters like this.
285
00:16:10,910 --> 00:16:12,310
I guess.
286
00:16:12,350 --> 00:16:13,520
Does your mother let you?
287
00:16:13,550 --> 00:16:14,790
No way.
288
00:16:14,810 --> 00:16:17,970
So what do you got at her house, a secret stash of magazines?
289
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:21,840
Just one.Playboy 1998, the christmas issue.
290
00:16:21,870 --> 00:16:23,720
God bless hugh hefner, huh?
291
00:16:23,740 --> 00:16:28,730
God bless kimberly macadoo from portland, oregon born march 4, 1979.
292
00:16:28,770 --> 00:16:33,790
Sunshine and goatees.Judgmental people and war.
293
00:16:34,270 --> 00:16:37,090
Gotta love a chick who doesn't like war.
294
00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:39,070
Tape me.
295
00:16:39,690 --> 00:16:42,580
Hey, uncle charlie, could you do me a favor?
296
00:16:42,610 --> 00:16:43,890
If it's the favor I'm thinking of,
297
00:16:43,930 --> 00:16:47,290
not until you're 18 and not in my house.
298
00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:48,810
What?
299
00:16:48,860 --> 00:16:51,090
Nothing, nothing.What do you need?
300
00:16:51,150 --> 00:16:53,440
Could you get my dad to lay off the father-son stuff?
301
00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:55,250
It's kinda lame.
302
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:56,600
Lame?
303
00:16:56,630 --> 00:16:58,440
You think it's lame your father cares so much about
304
00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:01,430
you he wants nothing more than to be part of your life?
305
00:17:01,470 --> 00:17:03,250
Yeah.
306
00:17:04,010 --> 00:17:07,280
Look, you gotta understand what your father's going through.
307
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:09,220
What do you mean?
308
00:17:09,270 --> 00:17:12,820
Okay, here's the deal.
309
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:16,370
Your father has reached a very difficult age.
310
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:18,790
It's confusing and a little bit scary for him.
311
00:17:18,830 --> 00:17:20,720
Scary how?
312
00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:23,610
Well, first of all, his body's changing.
313
00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:25,270
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
314
00:17:25,330 --> 00:17:28,400
Hair is growing where it's never grown before.
315
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:30,750
That is scary.
316
00:17:30,780 --> 00:17:32,110
And then there's the hormones.
317
00:17:32,150 --> 00:17:32,740
Hormones?
318
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:36,680
Yep, your father is running out of them.
319
00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:38,770
Sounds bad.
320
00:17:38,820 --> 00:17:42,580
No, no, it's just a perfectly natural part of growing old, jake.
321
00:17:42,620 --> 00:17:43,720
Is it happening to you?
322
00:17:43,770 --> 00:17:46,280
No, no, no.
323
00:17:47,330 --> 00:17:50,050
My point is that your father is going through
324
00:17:50,110 --> 00:17:53,650
this phase and you have to be patient and understanding.
325
00:17:53,700 --> 00:17:56,590
So he's gonna want to go camping again?
326
00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:59,300
Probably not in this lifetime.
327
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:03,830
But you might have to play catch with him or something.
328
00:18:03,870 --> 00:18:05,630
Guess I could do that.
329
00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:07,320
Atta boy.
330
00:18:07,380 --> 00:18:11,260
All right, well, I'm glad we had this little talk.
331
00:18:11,300 --> 00:18:13,780
Now I'm gonna go get hammered.
332
00:18:30,570 --> 00:18:34,150
: Hello, ladies, I'm harry potter.
333
00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:39,520
Is there anything special we have to do?
334
00:18:39,580 --> 00:18:41,050
Oh, no, no.It's just like regular sex,
335
00:18:41,100 --> 00:18:43,320
but without all the last-minute fumbling for a condom.
336
00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:47,450
Oh, okay, but I still get all the rest of the fumbling, right?
337
00:18:48,340 --> 00:18:50,760
I prefer to call that "foreplay.
338
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,800
" hold on.
339
00:18:54,850 --> 00:18:56,380
Hello.
340
00:18:56,410 --> 00:18:57,750
This is she.
341
00:18:57,810 --> 00:19:02,210
Uh-huh.Hold on a sec.
342
00:19:04,300 --> 00:19:06,470
Here, we're divorced.
343
00:19:06,890 --> 00:19:09,170
Okay, I'm back.You were saying?
344
00:19:09,210 --> 00:19:12,140
Really?I got the part?
345
00:19:12,180 --> 00:19:13,990
Thank you so much.
346
00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:17,040
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
347
00:19:17,190 --> 00:19:18,550
Alan, I got the part.
348
00:19:18,580 --> 00:19:19,980
Oh, that's terrific.
349
00:19:20,020 --> 00:19:21,250
Congratulations.
350
00:19:21,290 --> 00:19:22,540
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
351
00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:24,880
Put that thing away.
352
00:19:24,930 --> 00:19:25,930
But I-I thought...
353
00:19:25,970 --> 00:19:30,860
oh, please, nobody wants to see a pregnant fornesic investigator.
354
00:19:34,390 --> 00:19:37,060
Hey, can we still do it with a condom?
355
00:19:39,910 --> 00:19:43,100
Hey, dad, after this, want to go play catch?
356
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:45,360
it's dark out.
357
00:19:45,410 --> 00:19:48,990
Okay.I tried.
358
00:19:50,330 --> 00:19:52,240
Help me out here, doc.
359
00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:54,330
I need a time of death for our little cheerleader.
360
00:19:54,380 --> 00:19:56,080
I can't give you an official T.O.D.
361
00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:58,050
Until I get her on the slab.
362
00:19:58,110 --> 00:20:01,000
But based on hypostatic lividity and degree of rigor,
363
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:04,450
I'd say our cheerleader got her pom-poms pierced right around halftime.
364
00:20:04,500 --> 00:20:05,710
Anything else?
365
00:20:05,780 --> 00:20:08,190
Left-handed assailant, used a single-edge blade,
366
00:20:08,220 --> 00:20:10,630
multiple entry wounds and defensive trauma.
367
00:20:10,660 --> 00:20:12,960
So how are we gonna find this psychopath?
368
00:20:13,020 --> 00:20:18,230
Well, like our killer, we'll just have to take a stab at it.
369
00:20:25,620 --> 00:20:31,540
Unbelivable.Yeah.
370
00:20:31,580 --> 00:20:33,820
They're real, you know.
371
00:20:37,970 --> 00:20:40,670
I know, I was married to her.
372
00:20:40,710 --> 00:20:44,750
Oh, yeah.Dawg!
373
00:20:53,470 --> 00:20:56,840
You know what?I'll be in my room.
374
00:21:04,820 --> 00:21:07,120
When are you guys going fishing?
375
00:21:07,210 --> 00:21:11,510
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