Original subtitles

Previously on "Web Therapy"...

I want to tell you that my clerk has found me...

- Clerk? - The most comfortable little...

April, what?

downtown executive suite which you can rent...

I've rented it for a year. You can rent it, you know...

- Oh. - monthly, or sometimes hourly.

What did I win again?

I'm sorry. So you won a makeover.

- Oh. - With me.

- All right, I'll just say it. - It's perfectly natural to...

I have not had... I have not had sexual intercourse before,

- and... - I think I understood that.

So far, I mean, he has very generously given me

a million dollars should something go wrong

with the marriage, and...

and... and he wanted to give me more,

but his son, Ford,

has been very, um,

antagonistic toward me

and very upset about this impending marriage.

S04E08 Lost on the Young

sync and corrected by ninh

Oh, hello.

Judith, you look... - Hello.

Looks like you had a very good weekend.

I hope not with your intended, Lionel.

- Well, I took your advice. - Uh-huh.

I did, and, um, I had, um, an extraordinary experience...

- It looks like it. - That I must thank you for.

- You're welcome. - Cheers.

Well, even though I don't have anything to... okay.

Well, you should, 'cause we have reason to celebrate.

Wonderful. So it was not too traumatic,

- I hope, or you just... - Oh, my goodness.

I'm not sure how to tell you this,

but the pizza delivery idea didn't go so well for me.

- Oh. - I did order a pizza,

but then I paid for the pizza, and I ate the pizza, I didn't...

These aren't euphemisms for something else?

- Exactly, thank you, no, no. - Oh, okay, all right.

I just... I ordered

- and ate the pizza on my own... - Okay.

- and felt like a failure. - Right. Oh.

And then I decided to take on the second part

of my homework, which was to, um,

to reach out to... to Ford...

- Oh. - My... my future stepson.

- Right, ingratiate yourself and... - Yeah.

Yes, and I... I met with him.

He was reluctant at first, and I assured him that I just...

I just wanted to talk.

So we met right... right here in the school library,

which is just behind me,

- over that way. - Okay.

- And I had some tea served. - Nice.

And we sat down and... and he was very aggressive and very,

- you know, defensive, at first. - Right.

But then I told him a little bit about myself

and my upbringing and what I loved about his...

his father, and that seemed to soften him up a bit, and...

and how I grew up with not a lot of money or...

or, you know, material things.

- Right. - And I didn't need them, and I,

in fact, could help him and, you know,

be an ally to him with his father

and make sure that he got whatever he needed in life.

- Right, good. - And then, Fiona,

- he broke down and cried... - Oh.

At my gesture

- of reaching out to him. - Oh.

I think he truly was overwhelmed by my generosity.

Right, no one's ever been generous with him before, so...

- And I held him in my arms. - Okay.

And he reached up and touched my face

and caressed it and pulled my face to his face

and...

- and our mouths met. - Oh. Well...

And our mouths stayed with each other,

and our tongues entwined,

- and... - Explored. Okay.

- things, and... I'm not done. - Oh.

I felt things I've never felt before.

Right, 'cause, it's new.

I... I was undressed by him.

- Oh. - And I let him... I let him...

I... I had... I had sex.

- I had sex. - Sex...

I had sex.

- I had sex... - With your stepson?

with him many, many, many, many times.

- Really? - And I am...

I had the big... the big o.

I had... I had many big os.

I had many, many "orgisms." And I...

- Are you sure? - I am...

Because I don't think that's what they're called, but...

- "Orgisms." - Orgasm. Orgasm.

Orgasm? Oh, well, I didn't know where the accent was.

I thought it was an elision, "orgism."

No, no, no. It's orgasm.

- Orgasm, all right. - Yeah, no, I mean,

it's hard to know if you're having one or not,

I think, so... You know.

- Really? - Yes.

Because I can't imagine not knowing that you had one

if you had one.

Oh, really?

Oh, yes.

I mean, the...

the build up of the... of the energy, the warm,

incredibly joyous energy that builds and builds and builds,

and then it... and then it reaches this place where it stops,

and you think it's gone, and you're like, "don't go away.

don't go away." And then it...

and then it crashes through,

and it... it...

it cascades in waves, and your...

my vaginal walls were pulsing like a...

Okay, it sounds like you need to see a doctor,

'cause I don't know what that is.

I mean, I've never experienced that.

I mean, it's, you know, sex should be fulfilling,

and then it's something to endure,

and then it's over, and you get to shower.

- Oh, I... I... - Yes.

I'm sorry, I'm having... I had a very different...

Well, you had a different experience.

Yes. I'm sorry for you that you haven't

felt what I felt, because I... I am...

I think it was just built up, because you hadn't done it.

Well, he had... he had many orgasms himself,

he said more than he's ever had in his life in one... in an hour.

Really? I don't know that that's possible with a man.

He didn't think it was, either,

and then something I did to him

just made him explode and explode and explode

and explode and explode over and over.

Something you did? I don't know what...

I don't know, but apparently I was very good at it.

- It's hard to know. - It's...

well, it's not when the thing,

stuff comes out of the... the...

when it comes out, you know it's out.

Okay, all right. Yes.

And it kept coming out,

and in an inordinate amount of times for...

for a man. He said it was unusual for him.

Well, you're very comfortable with this topic.

I feel... I'm a changed woman, and I have...

I am no longer worried about my honeymoon with Lionel.

I know Lionel's gonna be a very, very happy man with me.

D... right, except if...

unless his son speaks to him.

How do you know this all wasn't a ploy?

That Ford wanted to get you into bed

so that he can then run to his father and say, "okay,

this woman you're going to marry is a... cheated on you with me."

No, no. He wouldn't do that, first of all,

because he's very trustworthy...

- Oh, okay. - And I know... I know that he

cares about me now that we've had our...

we've had our moments together.

And also, why would he want to tell his father

and... and risk... run the risk of... of losing an inher...

his inheritance by angering his father

by telling him he slept with his future wife?

- His fiancee? - Yes.

But you don't have to be his future wife.

The inheritance can be kept intact all for Ford

- if you're eliminated, right? - Yes, but I...

No, you're running a great risk.

I said sleep with someone else,

not meaning someone else in the family.

I mean, this was a huge potential mistake.

I th... what you need to do is let me...

- Well, you have to help me. - Yes, I'm... I will offer...

here's my suggestion.

- I can speak with Lionel. - And say what?

Well, I... maybe under the guise of I'm...

I'm the new therapist for the school, okay,

and he's a board member, so he's going to meet me

and then recommend me to the board, all right?

- All right. - And then I can talk to him

as a therapist about, oh, your upcoming nuptials,

and sometimes the exist...

pre-existing children have feelings about it,

and just be aware

that your son

could have hostile feelings

and make things up...

- Oh. Oh. - About your future wife.

That... you know, put it in his head.

- That's maybe not a bad idea. - That whatever he might hear...

- That's not a bad idea. - Will be made up and invented.

- It's a lie. - That's a good idea.

- I think that... - I will...

I will set up a... a meeting for you and... and Lionel.

- Yes. - Thank you.

And then you cannot have sex with...

I shouldn't think... I sh... but he's coming.

- What time is it? - What?

- What time is it? - You can't have him coming.

He's coming. He coming here in...

- in five minutes. - Well, that's not...

- I can't say no to him. - You... you have to say no.

But I just want one more time.

Just one... just one more, and then I will...

if you want, you should...

I'm telling you, he is the most stunning man.

He is 6'4". He works out.

He has these... these... these blocks on his stomach,

- like... like six blocks... - Abdominal muscles.

And things down here he... he calls... what did he call them?

- I don't know. - Um...

Cum gutters. Cum gutters.

Cum gutters, that's what he called...

yes, but don't... you shouldn't say that.

You... you must see. If you want to...

if you just stay on here, he'll be here,

- and you can watch him... - Oh, no.

- And what we do to each other. - No.

And you can learn from what we do.

Thank you, I'm quite experienced enough.

All right, but it sounds like you're not enjoying as much as...

if you don't mind my saying, just listening to you...

I think I enjoy it enough,

as much as it can be enjoyed, or endured.

He's... he's coming, so let me, um,

I will talk to you next time. Okay.

- All right. - All right, well good-bye then.

- Ford? - Judy?

- Oh, you didn't shut off... - Ford.

- Where are you? - Over here.

- I couldn't wait to see you. - Get those pants off.

Take them down, right now.

Put it in my mouth. Yeah, boss me.

Put it in my mouth.

Oh, my...

Hello. It says that you're Casper Lee.

Dr. Fiona Wallice. Nice to meet you.

Hi, nice to see you again.

- What, again? - Yeah.

I was the emcee at the pinkeye ball,

the style haul event, pinkeye.

Oh, yes, the pink... you were the emcee.

That's right.

I was wondering, at the pinkeye ball.

- You were very good! - Thank you.

- Yes, I was wondering... - It was my first time.

aren't there child labor laws about having,

you know, someone so young be the emcee?

- I'm 20. - Oh, whoa.

Is that something you'd like to do when you grow up?

- No. I've got other plans. - Oh, good for you.

But it's just a favor I did for them.

- A favor? - Yeah.

Oh, that's an interesting way to look at the world.

All right.

But very typical of your generation,

that everything you do is sort of a favor

that you're bestowing on the rest of the world,

- your mere existence. - Thank you.

You look like quite the confident lady, yourself.

I am. Well, I'm a mental health professional,

so that's what I bestow to people.

Yeah, delicious.

Um, so I have some bad news.

We can no longer do the makeover with Nina.

Oh, you're calling officially?

- Okay, yeah. - I mean, you know.

I thought you wanted counseling.

No. Why, do you think I have problems?

No, I don't... I don't... I don't know.

I thought that's why you were calling...

- Well... - you know, but you seem to be

very confident and, you know, maybe you're in over your head.

- I don't know. - I mean,

- everyone's got problems, like... - Right.

I personally don't have that many,

but I was bullied at one point in my life.

- You were bloodied? - N... bullied.

Bullied? Oh, the accent, I have trouble sometimes.

Oh, okay.

I feel like you're bullying me now.

No, I was asking a question,

so who knows the nature of the bullying

you think you experienced?

Maybe it wasn't bullying at all.

Maybe someone was saying, "how are you?"

And you took it the wrong way.

Look, they can understand me at my own school,

and I can understand them. You're the one

who can't understand what I'm saying.

That last sentence was the only one I understood.

Um, so, yeah, she can't do the makeover anymore,

and I just wanted to tell you your other options.

She can't do the makeover? Why on earth can't she?

She doesn't have to do anything, so...

She's Nina Garcia.

But we... we've decided that

we no longer want you to be in the same room as her.

Oh. "We've deci... " who are we?

- The pinkeye ball foundation. - Uh-huh.

So we are... we are offering you a few other options.

I wanted to know which you'd be interested in.

One is a toaster and a cooking lesson with...

I think it is a real housewife of New York,

from New York, whatever that is.

- No, absolutely not. - No?

No. I want my makeover.

Because that's the one I bid on and won.

Yeah, but you... we don't have that for you anymore.

Well, you have to, because we have a binding contract.

I don't think it works like that.

- Uh, we have... - How would you know?

You haven't been alive long enough

to know how anything works.

Uh...

It's a compliment about how young you are.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

I... well, I wasn't offended.

You're older, a lot older than I am,

so that must be quite an insecurity

you have... aging all the time. It must suck.

Well, you're aging all the time, as well.

Yeah. Like, if... if...

That's one of the miracles of being alive.

Yeah. If we were, like, if we were two trains racing

somewhere, you would be a lot closer to the end.

Depends on lifestyle, doesn't it?

- So, like, like, I'm back here. - Right.

You're very far in front, about to hit a...

Your... but your train could crash.

An impending death. What?

No, I mean, I'm not... no.

- That's rude of me. - Yeah.

Okay, yes, I'm older,

and if things go as they should,

I should die before you.

Very good observation.

That's what we're supposed to do with your generation, right?

Good job, buddy. Yeah.

You're such a bitch.

I didn't hear you.

The other option we have,

which I think you'll really enjoy...

- Oh. - Um, two tickets to sea world.

- No, I don't like that one... - No.

Because I don't like how they treat their animals, but...

Right, that's why I don't, either.

Good. I'm glad we could agree on something.

- Yes. - A free consultation

with Steven Freedman, an "ophthalmnologist."

He's quite good.

Oh. No.

I don't... my vision's perfect.

I'm gonna keep my makeover.

I thought that was something to do with like, feet.

You got ophthalmology and podiatry confused?

No, you're right. Make fun of older people

'cause we don't know anything.

Nina was right about you.

What?

So, pole dancing lessons.

Boxing lessons?

Pole dancing lessons.

Pole dancing lessons.

Oh, no, I don't... - No?

- I have a husband. - Okay.

I have a husband.

He's a judge, so I just have to

warn you that while I'm having fun

going over what the other options might be,

I fully intend to keep the prize that I won, that...

we basically have a contract.

And my husband and I have no problem suing if we need to.

That's very american of you.

So I won it. I want it.

I think we're done now.

Good luck to you in school.

Oh, hello, April.

Oh, hi. Hi, Fiona.

- Hi. - How are... hi.

How are... you look lovely today.

Oh, you know, you're very sweet.

I... I'm a little, um,

I just get so nervous every time I... I talk to you.

- Oh, isn't that sweet? - No, it's true, and...

- and you're... - I've heard that before.

- Thank you. - I bet you have.

I hear wonderful things about you, too.

You're an excellent law clerk, you know?

- You really know your stuff. - Oh, thank you.

- That's very nice of you to say. - And then I also need to thank

you for taking such good care of Kip.

The gifts he sends me nowadays are really wonderful.

I love this.

I can't remember where I got that one.

That's okay, I'm just... I'm happy you got it.

Oh, you're very sweet.

Um, I can't believe that he told you all that stuff about me.

That's so sweet. That's so... so funny, wow.

- Well, just the, "she's sharp." - Sharp?

He thought you were sharp, yeah,

that you know your stuff, yeah.

That's funny 'cause, um,

you know, he... he bit my finger the other day,

and I said, "your teeth are so sharp."

Oh. He bit your finger? Why?

Well, it was a... it was a joking thing.

- You know how funny he is. - Oh, no...

I don't... I don't know that side of him, but we're married,

- so you don't see every side. - Oh, it gets, yeah.

I... I think with marriage it gets a bit stale.

Although you should have a brighter attitude.

You just got engaged, did you not?

- I did. - Yes, well...

- I did. Hello. - Best wishes.

- Oh, that's pretty. - Yeah.

- Yeah, he's... he's nice. - Yeah.

He's very nice. He doesn't care that I work a lot,

so that works out really well.

- That's wonderful. - 'Cause I... yeah, yeah.

Yes, 'cause men can be very threatened

when a woman's working, you know?

- They can be. - Wow, see, you're so smart.

I never would have thought of that.

No, I know what I'm doing.

- But you'll get there. - Oh, I'm...

What is your fiance...

- Phil. - Phil?

Yeah, no, Phil.

Phil is great.

- Yeah? - He's ver... he's very sweet.

He's, yeah, no, he's very nice.

I like him very, very much. I do.

Well, that's good that you like him.

Well, no, I mean, I guess I love him, right.

I love him. I meant to say love.

- I said like, but I meant love. - How wonderful.

- What does he do? - You know,

I don't really know what he does.

I could never really figure it out.

- Huh. Really? - But I decided that it...

it doesn't really matter.

Um, but he goes somewhere.

It always kind of reminds me of the little goblins

in Harry Potter.

You know, like a... like in the bank.

- Oh. - Maybe...

maybe he works in a bank.

- I don't know. - Okay.

So he tells you what he does,

and you think of gremlins?

No, goblins. They're goblins.

And you conjure the image of goblins?

Yeah.

Anyway, I... I should...

I've been just blabbing on and on and on and on about me.

Well, I've asked you, so that's how that happened.

- Oh. - Yeah.

So I got you tickets.

- Oh. You're like a wizard, or... - I am.

- I love making people happy. - Yes.

So I got you tickets to the museum opening,

and I also got you a reservation at Gepetto's, and...

Oh, wonderful.

I think it's very important, though,

and I... excuse me for being a pain in the... in the butt,

but he really needs to order the gluten-free pasta.

It's very important for his health.

- Why? - Well, he has celiac disease.

Really? Celiac disease?

Are you sure? 'Cause I think,

to me, that's just one of those things that people,

"oh, I can't have gluten," so they can get more attention.

- Oh, no. - I don't know that it's

- a real disease. - No, this is very serious.

Oh, so that's why we're going to Gepetto's...

- They have the... - because they have

a gluten-free menu for Kip?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Yeah, well, they have a very good pasta there.

It's not as, um, you know, like, like...

- Gummy? - Yeah.

Well, that's nice that Kip has you to look out for him.

Yeah, well, you know how he is.

When he's hungry, he's hangry.

Oh, it's a new word.

It's... it's a young word.

I think all the young people are saying it now.

Okay, yeah, so he's hangry.

Well, when he gets hangry, whoo, watch out.

- You know, he's so cute. - Oh.

His face gets a little red.

He's adorable.

He's... he's so cute.

That's...

- are you okay? - I'm fine.

No, I'm fine, I'm just, I'm... I'm listening.

You seemed a little startled,

or something.

Um, no, just sort of a realization that,

you know, perhaps you are developing feelings for Kip.

- Well, I do love Kip. I do. I love him. - Yes.

He's, like, my boss.

I mean, of course I care about him.

That's my job, to care about him.

But to care about his...

that his, you know, needs are being seen to.

But I suspect that you actually care deeply about Kip,

that you are, in fact, in love with Kip.

That's what I see.

- Oh. - Right?

Because you notice every little thing about him.

You... you rush to service his every little need.

No, but that's my job. That's my job.

I am not in love with him.

That is not true, Fiona. You are...

I know you're a very smart, intelligent therapist,

but this is not true. I am not in love with him.

I am engaged to be married to somebody.

His name's Phil.

Phi... oh, right, Phil.

- Phil. - Right.

No, you're getting me... you're getting me all confused.

I am in love with Phil,

and I am not in love with Kippy.

Oh.

Oh, it's all starting to make sense.

Listen, it's okay, all right?

I'm just letting you know that it's just something

you should be aware of.

- That's all. - Yeah.

- That's all. - I'm going to quit.

- What? No. - No, I'm going to quit.

I'm going to quit. I'm ing to pack my things.

I am not going to bring any kind

of badness or scandal to this office.

- I can't do that to him. - Please discuss it first.

I can't do that to Kip, to his honor.

Don't... just... you don't have to.

You don't have... you're very valuable, all right?

I mean, just the things you do for me alone are very valuable.

- Okay. - I told you, I'm fine.

It's okay with me.

You don't need to quit.

But do you think that's the reason why,

when I'm having sex with my fiance,

I suddenly say,

"Kip"?

Hi, Judith.

- Fiona. - Yes.

Nice to hear from you.

Oh, good. Good to see you.

- You look well. - Thank you.

Listen, I haven't heard from Lionel.

I tried... I left a message,

and I haven't heard back so I could talk to him

about, you know, my involvement in the school as the therapist,

and then also laying in that thing about his son

might be a little prickly and make up lies about you.

Well, there's a good reason for that.

- Oh. - And I'm... I apologize,

but some things have transpired that I...

- I should tell you about. - Oh.

Um, I decided to come clean to Lionel and...

and tell him the truth

about the fact that I slept with somebody else.

- Oh. - I felt dishonest.

I didn't want to walk down the aisle with this dishonesty,

and I just told him that I was...

I was... I was embarrassed that I was a virgin,

and I didn't want to...

to displease him,

and I... I wanted to make sure that he would be happy with me,

so I got nervous,

and I decided to sleep with someone else first.

And I... and he said, "who?"

And I said, well, I kind of,

I told him... I told him it was a pizza delivery guy,

and I even proved it to him 'cause

I showed him the black negligee

that had pizza stains all over it from when I, you know,

- when I ordered the pizza... - Oh.

And... and ate it in the black negligee

but never actually consummated that.

But... but... so it's off? The marriage is off?

No, no, he forgave me.

He completely forgave me, gave me these

beautiful ruby earrings with diamonds.

- Oh. - He... he forgave me.

He totally understood and loves me even more for being

honest with him, and...

Oh, that's lucky.

Yes. Plus, I... I showed him a few things

that I had learned sleeping with this other man,

and he was very grateful.

- Oh, okay. - Very happy, so...

Well, that's good. Phew.

- Dodged a bullet, huh? - Yes, yes, yes.

I guess he's so competitive,

a pizza delivery guy is not really, you know.

It was not chal...

he wasn't threatened by that.

- Right. - And he forgave me, and I'm...

I'm... so I'm... I'm all set.

- Well, that's lucky. - I'm very happy, so...

- That's great. Okay. - So I got to get going, so...

Okay, but now I'm all set to then, you know,

be the therapist for the Frick School,

so any time you want to set up that meeting with Lionel

so he can recommend me to the board, I'm... I'm available.

Okay, um, something else you should know.

Oh.

Unfortunately, I...

well, he wanted to know how I came up with such an idea

and why I would think that he wouldn't

want me because I was a virgin,

and so I told him

that I enlisted the help of a therapist online

- by the name of Fiona Wallice. - Oh.

And so he's not very happy with you,

and I don't think he would want to hear from you, frankly.

What? Really? He's mad at me?

- For manipulating me. - You're a darling

for sleeping with someone else, but I'm a villain?

Well, you took advantage of... you took advantage of me.

I was a naive virgin.

You manipulated me.

You made me think he wouldn't love me

because I didn't have any sexual experience,

and that was actually,

you know, it wasn't quite true.

So he is not really...

you're not his favorite person.

Well, you didn't have to tell him in that way.

If you saw thing were going sour for me,

you could have helped me.

I'm sorry, but you weren't there for me.

- Well, I'm... - You weren't there for me,

- Judith. - But we've only just met.

- That's not nice. - You're really not...

I was trying to be there

for myself and my ture and my marriage.

Well, I was there for you, and you weren't there for me,

and you know what? That's just the way...

What do I owe you, though, really?

I don't understand what I owe...

Well, therapy's a two-way street, all right?

I... I see what you got, but what did I get?

- I might call him up, all right? - Oh, really?

And let him know who you actually did sleep with.

Don't forget the things that I know.

Oh. Oh, no, I didn't, because I actually took a page

from... from your playbook,

and I told him

that you would probably be very irate when you found out

that you lost possible business at the Frick School,

and you might call him up and... and...

and throw around accusations,

crazy ones, such as, you know,

that might have slept with...

with... with his son,

or, you know, make strange accusations like that.

I said to not be surprised by that, so thank you for that.

You gave me... you gave me that,

and I think it's...

it worked, so you probably won't...

he won't be listening to what you have to say.

- Great, all right. - So I'm sorry.

So you have everything, and I have nothing.

- Well... - That's not fair.

You have my deep, heartfelt thanks.

Oh, that's worth a lot.

Or perhaps a seat at the wedding in the back?

I've got a lovely sweatshirt

with the Frick Girls Academy on it.

It's a hoodie.

- No, this isn't... - all right.

I could teach you how to have "orgisms."

Really don't think that... All right.

- The "orgism." - What?

The "orgism."

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Anyway, there's just some things sliding down around me.

Oh, sounds like the room is having "orgisms."

Really, it... this does look like a giant vagina that I'm...

- No, you know, hanging up. - Gotta...

It's just like... yeah.

So if you... you see my finger there.

Well, that's it. Now... now... now you're indicating.

Well, that's... that's...

sync and corrected by ninh