Original subtitles

- Previously on "Web Therapy"... - That's my name.

I'm still in the Witness Protection.

Yes. Good, oh good.

Still, I'm living in... Montana.

Yes, together with...

- Betsy. - Betsy.

She doesn't remember anything.

She's got amnesia.

It's so fantastic. I have my own company.

The name of my company is FEH...

- Fill EveryHole. - Oh!

You're gonna be the face of my biggest-selling product,

the ass spindle.

S04E07 Drink to Forget

sync and corrected by ninh www.addic7ed.com

- Jerome? - Dr. Wallice.

What's wrong? What's wrong?

- What happened? - Thank God you answered.

You look like you've been attacked.

- Do you have a rape kit? - No.

Okay, well, I... I think it has gotten to the point

where I can no longer live safely in my own home

- with Gina here. - Oh.

The last couple of nights, I've woken up in different rooms

- of the house. - Oh.

And last night, I woke up on the floor of the kitchen

with Jordan Almonds all over me...

- Oh. - And some of them in me.

Okay, you know what? I don't know how I can help you.

I don't know what to do.

I'm afraid of what I might have caught.

I'm afraid of the anxiety.

I'm scared of seeing her around every corner.

- She is a predator. - Right.

Like, you suspect you're being

roofied and then taken advantage of by Gina?

And I... I have to tell you, I feel like we need to stop her.

Right. Well, yeah, maybe.

Well, I don't know what we can do.

She needs to go away.

- She needs help. - That's what it sounds like.

She needs to go to a... a... a treatment facility,

or to... to prison.

She needs to stay away from me,

because I can't go through that again.

Right, as much as I don't believe in sort of, you know,

addiction as a disease,

some of these places are wonderful for just

sort of putting someone somewhere, you know,

while everyone else can have a rest.

Yeah. I'm completely dehydrated.

I cannot keep any liquids in me.

Well, you'll have to send her somewhere, I guess.

Yeah, yeah, I... I've done a little bit of research,

and most of these sex addiction places,

the... the interventionists alone cost $10,000.

I... I'm an interventionist.

- You are? - Of course.

- That I can do. - Oh, thank God!

- Certainly. - I had no idea.

Yes, and I... it's, you know, I think it's worth every penny.

Well, yes, of course, Dr. Wallice, I...

Except that I'm, you know,

- I've never charged 10,000. - Oh.

It's always been 15 or more.

Well, that's more than I thought, actually.

Oh, but don't you save on travel?

'Cause you have to fly them, and you have to put them up.

- Right. - There's mini-bar charges...

- Right. - And the room service

- that they run up... - Sure.

- Their entertainment. - Right, right, right.

And if they're a man,

they'll wind up sleeping with Gina,

or she'll wind up roofie-ing him,

and then I'll have to pay those damages.

That's worth another, what, 5,000?

- Yeah. - Which is nothing to you.

- No. You know, okay. - Right.

- Good point. - Yes.

- Deal. - A little angry that you

argued with... over the price.

Honestly, I... I think I'm... it's the roofie talking.

- Yeah. - I mean, I'm clearly not...

I don't... in my own... I'm not in my own mind, you know?

You can't even form a sentence.

- Not even. - Why don't you go get Gina?

I'll get Gina. Thank you so much, Dr. Wallice.

Um, Gina? Gina, love?

- Stop yelling at me! - Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

- Fiona... - Stop yelling at me.

Dr. Wallice wants to talk to you,

if you don't mind coming to talk to her.

I love her, I love her.

- Wow, there's a lot of them. - Hi!

Just, don't... come on, sit in your own chair.

Don't sit on my lap. I love you, Fiona.

- Okay, you're too close. - Hello, Gina.

Hi. Cheers.

Oh, no more of that. That's... what is that?

- Oh, you're drinking... - Smells like... no.

- Champagne in the morning? - That's all right.

No more of that. Is that a good idea?

- That's not champagne. - It's a Mimosa.

Oh. Okay.

You know what, Gina, Jerome

and I were just talking about something that...

it seems that you've been working so hard

- at your business... - Mm-hmm.

And with the construction workers that you need a break.

- Yeah. - I do.

So we decided we are sending you...

- On a vacation. - On a vacation

to a sex anon clinic... Mmhmm.

In Mystic Hills, Nevada.

- No way! - Yes!

Yeah, you're gonna finally...

- you're welcome. - Thank you.

- Is it like camp? - Yes.

- Are drinks included? - Yes.

- Mm-hmm. - It's all-inclusive?

You're gonna get all the help you need.

- It's all-inclusive. - And guess what?

I already packed your bags.

- I love you! - Oh, you did?

- You packed already for her? - I love you.

Two weeks ago. Two weeks ago.

- Oh. - Yeah. When this...

So, all right, great.

So here's what I think you should do.

While I've made the reservation, I still need confirmation.

So why don't you head to the airport?

- I love you so much. - It'll be fun,

- like a treasure hunt. - Is it like Mexico?

Nevada's a lot like Mexico.

I mean, most people don't know the difference.

Oh. That's... Betsy.

Oh, hello, yeah.

- Betsy? - Hi.

Hi, come on over and talk to Fiona.

She's crazy as a bedbug.

- Oh, okay. - Who's the pretty lady?

That's... that's Fiona.

You know Fiona.

- I know Fiona? - Yes.

- Hi. - Hello.

- Hi. - This is...

It's me, Fiona.

Hi, Fiona.

Hey, do you... do you remember me?

Do I look familiar to you at all?

Does she look familiar to me at all?

- Well, she's asking you that. - No, I'm asking you.

I'm asking you that.

No, but you're very, very pretty,

and I like your shiny hair.

- It is very pretty. - Right.

Well, when you see a good color job...

When it's well-done...

What are we doing?

We're just... well, we're just gonna have a chat.

- I love chatting. - Just to see... really?

So can I ask you something, Betsy?

You don't remember him at all?

That's your husband.

No, but I'd marry him, 'cause he seems wonderful.

He is. He's very nice, and you have a child.

- That's not like her. - We have a child?

- I love children. - You didn't see the baby?

- You have a baby. - I sh...

Oh, the brown baby upstairs?

He's so cute. Did you see that baby?

- That's our baby. - Yes, you named him Tyrone.

Oh, what a nice name.

Yeah, after your former lover.

Oh, that was so nice of me.

He must have been flattered.

He doesn't know.

And I don't think he was technically your lover.

I'm not seeing a break or a crack in the facade at all,

if this is one. Wow.

She sounds really smart.

Are you the president?

Yes, I'm the president of the United States.

- Wow! - Nice to meet you.

Now I'm intimidated.

- Fiona, don't tease her. - I can't help it.

This is ludicrous. You know...

Well, it's not ludicrous. She's lost her mind.

Well, let's see if she has or she hasn't, okay?

So, um, I don't know if you know this,

but your husband and I have a history together.

We go way back.

You do?

- Yes. - That's nice.

We've been intimately involved.

Oh, he's so handsome, isn't he?

- Yes, he is. - Fiona...

- he's very handsome. - You...

And we're in love.

Oh, that is so terrific.

- I love love. - Right.

So you're fine if your husband and I...

- go off together and... - Oh, sounds fun.

We're going to go off somewhere.

We're going to have sex a lot.

That sounds really great.

- It sounds really great. - You should do that.

- I want to. - Okay.

- I want to do that, Fiona. - How can I help?

- What if I moved in? - That would be great!

But we're in the witness protection program.

- No, I've worked... I know. - We can't.

Yes, no, I understand.

But I would like for you to come here.

I'm trying to test... I'm testing something,

- because... - She's gonna come visit.

The Robin I know would never want me within 10 feet of her.

You cannot say...

you cannot say... all right, the Betsy I know.

Shh! I hear birds.

That's Tyrone... crying.

Oh, so you need to go get the baby.

I'm gonna hang up. I'm sorry,

but I can't help you, Jacques. Are you coming to visit?

All right? I know she's up to something,

but I can't prove it.

All right, good-bye. No. No, no, no.

Ugh.

I said I can't help.

- Hi. I missed you. - Uh-oh.

What's your name?

Uh-oh.

Hello. No, I'm here.

- You got me. - Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.

I've...

I've never, uh,

this is... you are right there. There you are.

No, it's a wonderful way of... of doing therapy.

Well, I... I... I would imagine.

This is my first time, so I'm... I'm...

You don't have to leave the comfort of you lovely home.

Yes, well, it's not my home. This is...

I'm actually the headmistress of a girls' school,

- the Frick School for girls. - The Frick School?

- Oh, I've heard of that. - Oh, you have?

Oh, I really wanted to attend that school when I was young.

Yes, it's a very, you know...

it's an elite school for... exclusive, yes.

Very exclusive, and lovely school.

I've been the headmistress here for nigh on 25 years, so...

Oh, my goodness, and Frick, so, is it?

That's my father.

Yes, he founded the school back in the early '50s.

- Wow. - And groomed me to take over

for him, and it's really been my life's work.

I'm just a leader of girls, you know.

- Wow. - So...

Yeah, wonderful. Except I know the...

they're a little... some problems.

- It's been in the news of late... - Oh.

with a lot of girls having eating disorders and cutting

and a lot of emotional disturbances.

- You saw that? - Well, of course.

I think we all did. The suicide was a bad one.

Well, yes, it was, um, it was...

it was a tragedy,

but, um, I have to say she was not well-liked.

- Oh. - And, she...

So the girls don't need some kind of trauma,

crisis counseling...

- Not right at the moment. - Because of that?

No, we are well beyond that incident.

- Okay. - But actually,

- that's not why I'm calling. - Oh.

I have a very specific question I...

I wanted to ask your advice about.

I have recently become engaged.

Oh, that's just an engagement ring?

I thought that was a mess of rings.

Oh, no, that's... that is one...

that's one single... oh, it is! That's a huge...

- congratulations... - Thank you.

- To the young man... - Well...

And best wishes to you.

He's actually on...

on the board of... of the Frick School.

- Oh. - He sits on the board.

His name is Lionel Manning.

The Lionel Manning?

Yes.

Well, then congratulations to you.

Yes, thank you very much.

It's... it's been an extraordinary ride so far.

He has unlimited resources, as I know you know.

- Yes. - And, um, I'm thrilled.

I never thought in a m...

my wildest dreams that I would end up with him.

He just lost his wife last year, so...

- Oh. - But he's taking me away on a...

on a very romantic weekend this weekend,

and I actually was concerned about what to wear.

And I thought that you would be someone who could help me...

if you can just... now, I have this,

which I'm very comfortable in.

This is a... just a simple cotton flannel nightgown, but very...

Oh, it is a nightgown.

It is a nightgown... I mean, this is... I'm talking for... in...

not out to dinner, I mean, in... in the bedroom.

- In the bedroom, yes. - Now, I have this choice,

and then I have this, which I ordered online,

and I'm a little, uh...

- a little scared of it. - I can't see it.

- Oh! - It's, um...

No, that's the one you wear.

Not even...

- no contest. - No contest?

Well, it depends on what your goal is.

Are you trying to turn him off?

Or are you trying to entice him?

Well, I'd... I...

That's more authoritative and sexy,

and I think that's the way to go.

But this... I might feel uncomfortable in this,

and therefore not be sexy to him in this.

He's not going to be taking in your mental state.

He's just gonna be looking at...

You know, other things. My gosh, well...

I... I thought there would be

a little more debate about it, but I guess...

But what have you been wearing, anyway?

Why is this weekend different from others?

Well, we... we haven't, um,

we haven't had, uh, sex.

We're going to be having sex

for the first time this weekend, so...

Okay, well, what's worked for you in the past,

with your former lovers or husbands, I don't know?

I, uh... Actually, the truth of the matter is,

I-I've...

Oh, there's nothing to be ashamed about.

I just... I've never actually... it's my f...

Oh, my goodness, oh, my goodness, my goodness.

Yes, 'cause it is a little more than,

"oh, it's nothing to be ashamed about."

I mean, I guess there's a little shame, huh?

- All right, I'll just say it. - It's perfectly natural to...

I have not had... I have not had sexual intercourse before.

And... I think I understood that.

And... I was a leader of... of girls.

I'm not a breeder, as my father said, "you're not a breeder,

you're a leader."

Your father said that to you?

Yes, he did. Yes, he did.

I loved my father very much.

Right. That sounds like it's a warm memory.

Okay, well.

All right, so there it is. The cat's out of the bag.

Yeah, the cat is out of the bag...

- It is out of the bag. So... - and ready to run.

Okay, you know what? Here's the thing.

You... your first time with someone

cannot be with your intended, all right?

That's... that's a very bad idea.

- You know, the first time... - Yes?

is a nightmare horror of an experience.

So I think you need to get that first time out of the way.

And how am I supposed to... do that?

Oh, you find someone else.

You can't go away with him this weekend.

You have to find someone else to be with. Anyone.

I... surely you can't be suggesting that I go have sex

with somebody I don't know?

Oh, I'm absolutely suggesting that you have sex

with someone else before...

is there no handyman on the grounds, or...

- Well, no. - An attractive biology teacher,

or, you know, pizza delivery guy?

- Pizza delivery? - You know,

then it's, "oh, I don't have...

come with me so I can give you a tip."

You know, maybe you wink.

- Oh, my goodness. - Do you know what I mean?

You have to know what you're in for.

- My goodness. - Take my word for it.

It's not fun the first time.

I... I always thought

it would be... magical the first time, and I... I...

really? That...

well, that wasn't my experience.

I can't imagine that it's a wonderful first time.

Oh, my goodness. This is exactly what I'm...

I'm telling my... my girl...

I'm trying to... to... to raise these girls

so they won't have to deal with these issues.

I mean, I don't want them thinking

about these sexual things.

It's... it's very upsetting to me. I don't...

Huh. And yet they're cutting

and starving themselves and... You know.

Yes, but Fiona, there are symphonies to be written.

There are novels to be written.

There are countries to be presidents of.

Right, but all of the kinds of people

who succeed at these things have extremely high libidos,

and there's no end to the conquests they have sexually.

- Well, I... - it kind of goes hand in hand.

I'm not sure I agree with that. I...

- Mozart? - Well...

- Right? I mean, Jane Austen? - Well...

Who knows how many sexual partners she had?

- I... I don't know. - No, we don't get to know,

but...

I think people who channel their...

these... these libidinous desires into their work

can sometimes create extraordinary things

that far surpass anything that a...

that a, you know, moment's...

an evening of passion would... would...

But how would you know?

- Touche. - Right?

- Touche. - You have to be thinking

- long-term about that. - All right.

I have to consider this, then. I don't... I don't know

how I'm going to do it, but I will, um...

I'm concerned for you,

that you don't know much about the world.

I mean, he's a very wealthy man.

Has he had you sign a pre-nup?

Uh, we are working on the pre-nup, actually,

which is very important for a man of, you know,

Lionel's... considerable wealth.

- Right. - And... and I'm... so far,

I mean, he's very generously given me

a million dollars should something go wrong

with the marriage, and... and... and he wanted to give me more,

but his son, Ford, has been very, uh, um...

antagonistic toward me

and very upset about this impending marriage

between me and his father, and I'm...

Sure, 'cause any sum that goes to you

is cutting into his inheritance.

Yes, but we're talking billions and billions

- and billions of dollars. - Right.

So you need to ask for more than a million dollars

over what period of time?

- That's nothing. - A million dollars.

- That's a drop in the bucket. - That's a lot of money.

- It's not that much. - Oh.

It's a million dollars per annum

that you're married, or...

'Cause how old is Lionel, anyway?

He's... he's in his...

his... I think he's seventy...

- four. - Right, so it won't be...

it won't amount to that much, anyway,

even if it is a million dollars per year.

All right, you're right. You're right.

- I should reach out to him. - Absolutely.

I'm going to reach out to Ford

and perhaps just smooth the waters and...

and try to understand

why he bears so much ill will toward me when I... I...

I love his father, and...

and...

- you're gonna make him happy... - I am.

And maybe more generous to Ford, right?

Well, that's a good way to...

- the happier his father is... - Yes.

The more generous he may feel toward his son.

Thank you. I have... I have to write that down.

Right. And maybe you have some information.

Whether it's true or not doesn't matter,

but you could let Ford know, "I happen to think your father

- needs to leave you more money." - Oh!

- Right? To you. - Yes, and get him on my side.

- Get him on your side. - And see that I am

his partner in this. That's very good advice.

- Right. - Fiona, thank you.

I'm so glad I called you today.

I'm so happy to help,

and I'd love to help with the girls.

You've got a lot of interesting, wonderful advice,

and maybe I'll have a lot

to thank you for in our next session.

Well, you know, a contract with your school

would be a wonderful thank you.

Hello.

You are Nina Garcia.

I don't think we have an appointment.

Are you Fiona Wallice?

Yes, Fiona. You contacted me.

Yes, I'm Fiona Wallice.

Yes, hi, Fiona.

You won the silent auction at the pink eye...

Oh, from the... the pink eye...

- From the pink eye... - ball. Oh!

The pink eye ball. That is correct.

I called it the pink eyeball.

Yeah. That's not... wasn't that fun?

Yes, that was quite an event.

What a wonderful evening. Yes, it was really fun.

I thought that it was the pink guy ball.

And so I was expecting to see different people...

Maybe the pink gay ball?

That's what I thought.

It was that anyway, wasn't it?

- Yes. - Did you see the woman with

- the cotton candy-white hair? - She was a sufferer.

- You saw her eye, of course. - Oh.

And she was a big donor.

Oh, well, then that is very important.

- That is very important. - Yeah.

I didn't notice her eye. I was too busy

looking at the other things, but anyway.

No, I won't say any more horrible things about her.

Oh, God.

What did I win, again? I'm sorry.

- So you won a makeover... - Oh.

- With me. - Oh.

And it will possibly translate into a magazine makeover.

- Oh. - Mm-hmm.

You have that kind of clout, really?

That it would be in a magazine?

- Well, I'm Nina Garcia. - Yes, I see that,

but I don't know... I'm sorry.

Have you not seen Project Runway?

Oh, no, I haven't.

Oh, well, it is a TV show.

Right, no, I know what it is.

I personally watch America's Next Top Model

because I find the models so fascinating,

as opposed to the seamstresses, or the dressmakers.

- Oh, so you have heard of it? - Of course I've heard of it.

- And you are on it along with... - Yes.

um... the german woman.

- Heidi Klum. - Auf Wiedersehen.

- Yes. - Yes, okay.

Oh, very good. All right.

- So I am on that show, and... - And you're a stylist?

- No, I'm not a stylist. - Okay.

I don't really style, but...

Are you a contestant, or...

- I'm not a contestant, no. - All right.

I'm one of the judges of the show.

- Oh. Oh. - And an editor of the magazine.

- Oh! Okay. - And I am here

to do a transformation...

If I needed a makeover, that would be great.

As you can see, I don't, really.

So let's talk about what you say with your fashion sense.

What exactly is it that you do?

Are you a suburban housewife? No. No.

- I'm a professional. - Are you a realtor?

Is this your uniform that you're wearing right now?

- No. - Oh. I'm so sorry.

I apologize. I just saw the...

You sort of look like you're in uniform.

Anyway, getting back to the topic...

Well, I would love to be in a fashion magazine,

but I don't think the makeover part

of it is appealing to me 'cause you're not really going to

take me from "a" to "a."

I'm already at "a."

- Um... - Being the highest mark.

No, I don't think you're at "a."

- Oh. - Actually, I really...

we need to... a makeover involves a before and an after.

That's my point. There's no before to shoot.

All I see right now is before.

So I just want to turn you from a suburbanite

into a glamorous, sophisticated,

and sexy woman. I'm sure it's in there.

I don't... I guess our eyes aren't...

I have a big team,

and I know, Fiona,

that you are trying very hard,

but it's just not cutting it.

What... well, what exactly is not cutting it,

the striking, powerful statement of red,

or the finely-tailored blazer?

What part of it's not cutting it for you?

No, none of it is. Actually, none of it is working.

The over-bleached hair,

the wrong shade of red,

the boxy fit of your jacket,

it's just giving me an... it's...

it's giving me very mall.

Do you shop at the mall? Where are you, actually?

I'm in Philadelphia.

Have you ever been to New York, Fiona?

I'm frequently in New York.

I have a penthouse apartment in New York, and...

So next time in... that you're in New York,

we will schedule you to come by the office.

- Mm-hmm. - We will...

I can pull some samples together.

You're not sample size, but we'll have a seamstress

- there that can do the fittings. - P-yes.

I'll call some of my designer friends.

- Oh. - And trust me,

there will be a... an enormous improvement.

Oh, well, that's wonderful.

And how quickly can you lose ten pounds?

Hi, best friend.

Oh, yes, best friend.

You should know that this one has been stalking me

and harassing me,

calling nonstop every day, multiple times a day.

- Every day. All the time. - Yes.

We have the best talks.

No, she's talking and yammering.

- I can't get anything done. - Oh,

You did your nails like I said. They look so pretty.

It's multiple times a day...

Well, she's your friend, Fiona.

- Multiple times. - No, she's not.

- Best friend. - No, I'm her mark,

is what I am, so I've...

My mark of a best friend.

I've contacted the Philadelphia FBI.

- What? - And I've let them know

that she's unfit for Witness Protection.

- What? You can't do that. - So... well, I did do it.

So they're going to be faxing a release over,

- I don't know, any day, now. - Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, you've got to hear this.

You've got to hear this.

Someone's at the door.

- I'll get it. - Oh, that was fast.

- No, you can't... - Yes, I did.

But I did, because I can't be harassed like this anymore.

She wants... she's not going to stop

until she's removed from Witness Protection.

- Fiona. - That's what I know.

She has been amazing the last few days.

I... I love her.

I would do anything for her. She... look at.

Look at what I did.

What is that? Those are tattoos?

- Yes, tattoo sleeves. - Didn't it hurt?

Well, no, it's... they're... no, Fiona.

They're tattoo sleeves.

- They're literally sleeves. - Oh.

- I just bought them, 9.99. - Uh-huh.

Yes, you did go all out.

It's... it's been amazing.

In bed, she has been amazing.

It's... usually she just curls up in a...

like a horrible kind of a ball.

- Mmm. - And she's been spooning, and...

and... and sexually,

she's been very generous, and usually she's not.

Okay. That's nice.

And... do you know what motorboating is?

- No. - Well, it's fun.

Okay, good, yes.

I don't want details. Um...

Well, she's really sweet,

and it's bizarre.

We go outside, and birds land on her finger,

and chipmunks come up and sit there and...

it's like they're communicat...

Right, well, they recognize her as part

of their animal kingdom,

some kind of vermin that they feel comfortable with.

That's the only explanation I can...

She's been so beautiful.

- Oh. - She makes me rethink my...

All right, bitches, I'm off to Vegas.

- Right. - Thanks for this.

- What? - Genius.

Honest to God, if I had to deal with scheduling and organizing

and keeping track of one more vagina,

I was gonna blow my brains out.

- Uh-huh. - You've been great.

You were genius.

- Genius. - Wait a minute, wait a minute.

- Good-bye, a-best friend. - No, no, no.

What about... what about the... what about the dance studio?

Text me. Hey, call me a cab, will you?

No... well, wait a minute. What about Tyrone?

I'm not gonna raise Tyrone by myself.

Bye!

- What... - Call me a cab!

I've got to call her a cab.

Yes. Okay, I won't keep you.

- I hope you're happy. - I am happy.

I have my life back.

I'm sorry. I didn't have a choice.

I had to get her out of there.

- This was her scheme. - Oh.

Stop blaming me.

- I get it. - Uh-oh.

- I get what you're doing. - Okay.

This is a pattern, Fiona.

You're always clearing the women out of my life

so you can pounce.

What is it that you would like to happen?

What do you think is going to happen, now?

I... I would like to do some motorboating with you.

Okay, you know what? I am gonna come out there.

What happens is I will hold your breasts...

Okay, I'm going

- to come out there, all right? - Yeah.

So I want you to stay in Montana.

- Okay. - And wait for me.

- Okay. - Wait for me.

- I will. - Okay, I'm gonna go pack now.

- I'll be waiting. - All right.

Pfffffftt!

- I know what a flyaway hair is. - Oh.

You said a flyaway.

I didn't know what that was.

I thought it was something that you put at the end

- of a fishing pole... - Yeah.

If you're at a lake with hip boots on.

- I'll do that at the end. - No, but the last time,

- you went, "no, it's a..." - Yeah, I know.

- I really was bad. - What?

I, um...

That's what I needed you to say.

I'll say it after. I'll do it after that.

And I'll try to get it right, Lisa, I'm sorry.

What do they call that? A...

I don't... on the... oh, what you put on the door?

- Yes. - A menorah. No.

sync and corrected by ninh www.addic7ed.com