All language subtitles for Web Therapy - 02x10 - Stalk Therapy.EVOLVE.English.C.orig.EN

Previously on Web Therapy...

We're very excited
because we just came back

from the, uh--
from the--

What is that, a skull?

Those are our kids.
Those are our three kids.

They're real.
They're there.

Mom has been very, um--

I'm not sure
how healthy it is,

her behavior
around the children.

Just this very morning,

she came downstairs,
and I mean, it was horrifying

because she...
[Sigh]

She was wearing her pajama top

but she had nothing
on the bottom.

Oh, how disturbing.

It was repulsive.

- She's not even of sound mind.
- No.

So I brought in
an attorney

to help convince her

that she should sign over
her power of attorney to me.

- My band...
- Yes.

- Jimmy Vivino and the band...
- Yes.

I asked them
to take care of your neighbor.

And, uh...
They took care of.

Now that I've taken care
of your problem

and no one connects
you to me...

Right.

You take care
of my problem.

I never agreed
to that arrangement.

You're already angry.

We haven't even had
our first session.

That's new.

What?

Um, I, uh--
I can't do this right now.

[Jazz music]

♪ ♪

Sync, corrected by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

Mm!

[Modem dialing]

Oops!

Oops!

Hi!

What are you doing
in my office...

Eating fried chicken
no less?

You know what,
this is--

This is a good thing,
all right?

Don't eat fried chicken
at my desk--

My glass-top desk!
- Excuse me.

I had to talk to you anyhow,
so...

Where is Jerome?

Where is he?
Jerome!

He's getting more biscuits.

Well, you're trespassing.

So just pick up the grease,
and leave my desk, please.

Okay, you know what,
that is so besides the point.

Jerome needs a raise.

Okay, so you're going to be
negotiating for Jerome?

Yeah!

Oh, okay.
This should be fun.

You know, because I can't
keep living like this.

Okay, 'cause frankly
they're tapped out.

Well, that's not a surprise.

They're always going
way over their heads, but...

I know, right?

...I fail to see
where it's my responsibility.

You're the only one
that has any money here.

You're the only one
that can help me.

I mean, do you not understand?
I am--

I am a young business.

Don't you wanna help
a young business?

In this economy?

I--Look at you!

I've read some things
about you, Dr. Wallice.

You're on a plane right now.
You're on a private jet.

You have a private jet.
I don't have a private jet.

My babies don't have
a private jet.

Well, I don't have
a private jet.

This is a friend of ours,
Austin Clark.

Right, well, you know people
with private jets.

- Yes.
- And so I'd like to know people

who know people
with private jets.

'Cause that's how I want
my babies to be raised

with that kind
of opportunities.

- I mean--
- I know, but I--

Do you have any compassion?

You know,
and if you don't,

then I'm just gonna take
these babies somewhere else

because I don't want them
to be raised like this.

Well, um,
you could do that,

but then I think it would be
called kidnapping

and you could go to jail,
because they're Jerome's sperm.

They're biologically his.

Mm-mm.

Uh-uh? Well, that's
a compelling argument, but--

They're not Jerome's sperm.

What?

Hayley didn't want
Jerome's sperm.

I mean, have you seen
his family?

She met his family,

and apparently their house
smelled like Indian food.

And the whole place--
It was like-- They--

Out of all of them,
Jerome's the handsome one.

- Oh. Really?
- Jerome's the strong one.

So she was like
I don't even want that juice

in my juice
of my baby's juice.

So it was a whole thing.
She was like "uh-uh."

So I went online,
we got her eggs, and then...

I took care of it.

Okay, so the--
So--

And by the way, shh!

And Jerome doesn't know.

So keep it on the down-low.

He thinks they're his,
but they're not.

'Cause Hayley
went behind his back.

Okay.
Ugh.

All right, there's so much--

So you see why
I need your help.

I mean, I don't even know these
people that I'm dealing with.

- Right.
- And I am just--

I'm having
a really hard time.

Yes, let me help you,
all right?

I'm gonna give you
some good advice.

You hightail it
out of there.

And get those precious,
innocent babies to...

Non-deceitful people.

'Cause you are allowed.
It's well within your rights.

Go ahead
and find richer folk

who want to adopt these
anonymous children.

I don't wanna--
I don't wanna give back the TV.

And, you know, all those
horseback riding lessons.

I just--
All right, well, that's fine.

It doesn't matter.

Because you know what?

I'm going to get my team
of attorneys

who I have at my disposal

and we will just charge you
with extortion.

Because that's what you're doing
to Jerome and Hayley

and now me.

[Laughs] Oh, my God!
Gullible!

Did you know they took
"gullible"

out of the dictionary?

I'm just kidding.
It's--

It's Jerome's sperm.
I was just kidding.

You're kidding or lying?

I'm getting a clear picture
of you now, okay?

I was kidding.

I'm just trying
to make you laugh.

Well, you're a liar.
That's what I know now.

For all I know,
you're not even pregnant

and that ultrasound
wasn't real, you know?

Maybe you're just some...
Stupid fat girl

trying to make money this way.

I mean, you seem so...
Irresponsible.

And illiterate it seems.
You barely know English.

Fat!

- What?
- Fat?

I'm not a fat girl, okay?

I'm not a fat girl!
You and my mother--

You know what,
does this look fat to you?

Does this look fat, okay?

Fat...Fat...Fat you!

Fat!

You know what?

Mine, mine, mine.

- No, those are mine.
- No, ah, ah.

You know what?
Where is my phone?

Mine!
[Sigh] Look!

- That's my bag.
- Mine!

Fat girl.
That's not your bag.

Fat!

Yech. Crap.

- Yes, it's crap.
- Fat crap.

Yes, it's crap.

Oh, but you're leaving
the chicken

and your babies--

Your foam babies.

Wh-- Tammy?
Wha--

- Jerome.
- Dr. Wallice.

- Yes.
- Wh-wh-what's going on?

Listen,
it's such good news.

Oh!
Fiona.

- Mother--
- No, darling.

Don't say a word.
I must speak with you.

No, but you're
in the facility still, right?

Yes, darling, I am.

And I know you expected me
to be comatose and drugged up.

Well, I kind of did.

You failed in that pursuit.

I'm completely in full command
of my facility.

Comfortable enough
to be in a play

as Florence Nightingale...

Because you're so sane?

I have a performance tonight,
my dear.

Oh.

I have a performance
tonight here at the asylum.

I won't be able to come
if that's why you're calling.

I'calling you
because I have--

I need your help desperately.

I've tried to reach Kip
and I cannot reach him.

And I--I need your help
immediately.

You know, when you came up
to Boston,

and you had me declared
incompetent

over that silly little
"no-panties" deal

when I was only having fun,
Fiona.

Well, what's so fun about
exposing your-- your-- your...

genitals to your grandson?

Try it sometime, dear,
and you'll find out.

I'll pass.

But this is not
what's important.

I didn't get on the--

We call them computers.

I didn't get
on the computer with you, yes.

Clearly, it's 1902 for you.

Please let me express myself.

When I was here at first,
I thought, oh, this is fun.

I'll have a good rest,
I'll loll about, you know?

I met a lot of, uh--

You know, crazy people
are absolutely a lot of fun.

Oh, wonderful.

And I was having fun here
with them.

- Good!
- But then when I found out

I didn't have mall privileges,
I called up Kip

and asked him to have me
declared competent

so that I could go out and about
and buy a few things.

- And he did?
- And he agreed, of course,

as he always does.
He's always there to help me.

He's a great support to me.

Well...I now need to have
the competency order rescinded

because I--Well, something
very unpleasant has happened,

- something inconvenient.
- Mm-hmm.

And I really need
a good legal defense,

and insanity will be
the best thing.

Well, what happened?

It was an accident--

A terrible, terrible,
terrible accident.

And how it all started,
it's hard to describe.

But I came into this facility.

And at first I enjoyed it
as I said.

And I went
to art therapy class.

Oh, the most wonderful thing--
They--

We made puppets.
We made puppets, Fiona.

And we enjoyed them so much.

And we did sock-o drama
with them.

What?

In fact, I'd like
to introduce you

to my puppet.
May I?

Maybe I need to talk
to one of the nurses there or--

Oh.

Fiona, this is
little Putsy Petite.

Do I need to address?

And you say hello to Putsy.

- All right.
- No, no. Verbally.

No waving.

"Hello, Putsy."
Hello, Putsy Petite!

Petite Putsy,
this is your sister Fiona.

I'm not really
a sock's sister.

[Muffled] Hello, Fiona.

Oh, I thought you were--

She's brought me
so much pleasure, Fiona.

I cannot tell you.
[Muffled] Why, thank you.

Mother, do doctors or nurses
ever stop in to check on you?

What happened is

I was so good with my puppet

that I would go to different
rooms here in the facility

and, uh--

And people got so much pleasure
out of it.

You brought so much pleasure,
didn't you, Putsy?

[Muffled] Yes, I brought
a great deal of pleasure.

Oh, that's wonderful.

You're like a celebrity
at the insane asylum.

And icon really.
An icon.

And kind of a rock star,
wouldn't you say?

[Muffled]
Oh, I was a big rock star.

No, it's adorable.

I was kind of an upscale
Patch Adams, really,

is what I did.

Didn't see that movie.

When I would go to my, uh,
my fellow inmates

- and I would go to their rooms...
- Yes.

I had created this device,
you see?

I thought, well,
what's in it for me?

There was absolutely
nothing in it for me.

Oh, they were getting
all this pleasure and laughing

and enjoying themselves.

And I did have fun at first,

but then I thought...

I might as well
clean up here too.

And so, I--
I brought into the--

My act, the disappearing meds,
uh, aspect.

And what they would do is...
[Muffled] "I want Percocet."

I want Percocet.
Give me Demerol."

And so then
they would feed their--

Underneath the tongue,
there's a hole.

And they would just put
the pills--All their meds--

Even syringes.

They could get a nice syrin--

Demerol syringe in there
or capsule.

A vial, we call it, here
in the medical community.

Is there no supervision
at this place?

They would put that
in her mouth,

and then it would go
down the tube,

and gather in this sack,
and you see--

I had built up such a stash
you wouldn't believe it, Fiona.

You were stealing
people's medication?

Well, I wouldn't
call it stealing.

I would call it relieving
or transferring, um,

medicinal modality
to another... receptacle.

So you just hand them out
randomly to people?

Well, no,
I don't hand them out.

Are you kidding?

I took them
so that I could make

a little cash
while I'm in here.

You were selling drugs!

How am I gonna get nylons
or chocolate bars

or People Magazine
or anything like that?

I've got to have some money!

No, you need People Magazine

if for nothing else
than to look at a date.

'Cause nylons
and chocolate bars--

You're causing me
to digress.

There are people who like
to have drugs.

I mean, I personally--
Well, here.

This one, I remember this
from Studio 54.

I had--I'm pretty sure
this is at I...

Used to take
with Jackie Onassis.

What?
You went to Studio Fift--

- It was a load of fun.
- You knew Jackie Onassis?

How about you?
Would you like a pill, Putsy?

[Muffled]
I think I would like one.

Don't--
Well, don't take them now!

I just-- I--
Don't take it now.

You see what fun it is?

She just eats the pills
and she just loves them.

Give me some!
[Gulps]

All right, Mother,
there's a lot going on.

I don't know why
I'm explaining this to you.

I don't have to explain
anything to you.

Well, it seems that you need
my help.

So you have no choice.

Yes, I want you to call Kip.

Get off the line right now
and call him.

No!

Because my poor roommate
Mabel has died.

- What?
- I need this legal defense.

I need to be declared insane

because I think--
Well, I don't think, I know,

because
I couldn't get a pulse.

- I've killed my roommate.
- Your roommate?

Well, she was elderly anyway.

So it's--

It's not that I took many,
many years away from her,

but I was close to her.

I've become
very close to her.

Mother, what happened?

What happened is, uh...

Mabel was such a good actress.

That's why I enjoyed improv-ing
with her so much.

And we were doing
One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest,

and I was playing
Nurse Ratched.

And, um, you know,

I was forcing her
to take her meds.

I said, "you--"

[Muffled]
"You will take your meds.

You will take your meds."

[High-pitched] "No, I won't.
No, I won't."

[Low-pitched] "Yes, you will.
Yes, you will."

And I forced them
into her mouth.

And, um, the puppet choked
so realistically.

It was unbelievable.

Well, how was I to know

that she was standing
off to the side

with fistfuls of-- of pills,

putting them into her--
and she did actually choke.

It is an accident.
I can't--

I mean, of course,
I did have the medicinals here

handy for her.

Okay, I understand.

I'm tempted to have
one of these right now.

No! I don't think
that's a good idea.

You need to... stay clear,
'cause you don't--

Anyway, what can I tell you?
Mabel's dead and I did it.

Mother, is that Mabel
behind you sleeping in her bed?

Why don't you simply
rouse her,

and then you don't
have to worry any more?

- All right, I'll go check.
- She looks very old.

And the elderly slee--

- Dead as a doornail.
- Oh.

All right, all right.
Well, listen.

Mother, please, be strong.

Oh, no, don't steal
from the dead woman.

- I got her iPad.
- Oh.

She won't be needing it
any more.

And they have such wonderful
computer classes here.

I cannot tell you
how I enjoy them.

That's wonderful, Mother.

I'm gonna try
to save your life.

Will you please
pay attention to me now?

Yes.

Pay attention.

This was an acc--

All right, Putsy Petite,
you too!

You have to pay attention,
the both of you.

This is an accident.
This is not murder.

The only crime you're guilty of
is drug dealing.

Somehow,
it could become related,

so you need to keep quiet.

Do not say a word
to anyone.

I'm the only one who knows.
Wait!

Don't say a word
to anyone.

She probably died
of natural causes, all right?

Can you do that?

I'll take that as a yes.

And mother, can I ask you
one more thing?

Yes, dear.

Um, are you wearing
a fake bottom,

or did you have work done?

See, so I've installed
an auto hard drive

which will back up your system
every single day.

Good.
All right.

There.
You see, 83%.

- That's the status bar.
- All right. Good, good.

91, 92.

Thank you.
I can read numbers.

None of this would've
been necessary

had you not allowed
that Tammy person

into my office
and at my computer, Jerome.

Yeah, I know.

And luckily, it was only
that one time, so--

For all we know...
It was that one time.

Well, it wasn't
the biggest thing

about the whole Tammy fiasco,
if you ask me.

Well, that's true
and you're welcome.

Happy to have saved you
from that criminal.

Oh, thank you.
Believe me.

Are you kidding?
I've never been more grateful.

I mean, 'cause now,
more than ever,

I know that I wanna be
a father.

And Hayley and I are
talking about having even more

like...multiples
[Computer chimes]

- Oh, it's finished!
- Maybe five.

All right, good.
Get me coffee, please.

Okay.

Oh, and no soy!
I like milk!

[Computer blips]

Oh!

No, I don't want
to talk to you.

That's okay,
you don't have to talk to me.

I just want you to listen.
Go to your window and listen.

- My window's--
- Yeah, right there.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

Yeah.
[Buzz saw whining]

There's a-- Why is there a saw?

Ah!
[Cackling]

- You hear the saw?
- Oh, no!

Tim-ber!

[Imitates tree falling]

[Laughing]

It's not very funny,
all right?

It's-- No, actually,
my job is to know what's funny.

Well, then you're not good
at your job.

That was a 300-year-old tree
that just... was felled by you.

Yes, I felled the tree.

Yeah, I didn't realize
we were in the 17th century.

And you should probably
also--

You should probably
also know

that my sidekick,
my assistant Jerome,

was standing right next to it
and it fell on top of him.

And he was trying to move,

but I couldn't see
that he was able to get out

from under it.

So luckily,
I think one of the neighbors

- is calling for help.
- Did someone get hurt?

Well, I saw a little blood
and he keeps trying to move.

- He's still there.
- No one's supposed to get hurt.

He got hurt.
Oh, that's definitely hurt.

Those idiots!

They're not supposed
to hurt anybody!

They were just supposed
to chop down the tree.

Yes, well,
and someone got hurt.

So how do you think
that's going to look

in a police report or worse,
once the tabloids find out?

You're not gonna tell anybody.
This is--

Who's not going
to tell anybody?

This is private.
You're a therapist.

This is private.
I've--

It's supposed
to be confidential.

Well, I think
when there's a crime,

then of course
I have to report it

or it'd be unethical not to.

Okay, don't tell--
Don't tell anybody.

No one has to know about this.
This is--

Can we-- Can this--

I think people do have
to know about this.

No, people--

I think maybe TMZ.

And that's a video show, right?
They show video.

And I have this recorded, so--

You don't record this.
No one record--

This is not recorded.

You didn't say
this was recorded.

No, I said
that I wasn't recording,

but that was a lie.

I have to record
all my sessions,

especially the ones
with celebrities,

because I need it
for insurance--My insurance.

You cannot show this
to anybody.

Nobody can see this.

Just nobody can sse--
I'm America's Sweetheart.

You can't--

I don't understand where
Julia Roberts fits into this.

No, I'm the male version
of--

She's the woman--
I'm the male version.

I'm the--

Just because you know
Tom Hanks

doesn't mean
you are Tom Hanks.

No! I'm--
They're movies.

I'm saying in my genre,
in late-night television,

I'm America's Sweetheart.
Not in the movie gen--

That's really not
how it comes off though.

Listen, I--
No one can see this.

You don't want anyone
to see this?

I don't want anyone
to see it.

Then replace my tree.
It's a 300-year-old tree.

But please, this time, get one
that doesn't have so much sap.

You want a 300-year-old tree
that doesn't drip sap.

Right.

That's gonna-- gonna--

You have people
who can figure that out.

It's gonna be
very expensive.

It will be
very expensive.

Okay, fine.

You might have to go
to a national park to get one.

That's probably illegal
but I--

My--
My band can get it.

But that's not all.

I also would like
to appear on your show

so I can talk
about Web Therapy.

You wanna be a guest
on the show.

Yes. Preferably on a night
when Andy's guest hosting.

Does he ever do that?
That would be fun.

No, he doesn't guest host.
I'm the host.

He doesn't guest host.

Well, you might wanna
consider it,

maybe once or twice a week.

He would have no facility
for that.

He's fine
when the pressure's not on,

but if you put him
in that sit--

That'd be a--
I'd hate to watch that show.

- Tell you that much.
- Well--

That'd be a train wreck.

You wanna go
on a train wreck--

People love to watch
train wrecks though.

Sick.

I'll get you on the show.
I will get you on the show.

Thank you!

You'll get the tree
and you'll get on the show.

That's wonderful.
Thank you.

Will you--
Destroy this tape though.

No one can--
This thing--

If this thing ever got out,
I'd be through.

Okay, yeah.
I'll destroy it.

I mean, this thing's
like a sex tape at this point.

You know, those things
always have a way of show--

Not really like a sex tape.

Well, it's--

This is as close
as I'm ever gonna get

- to a sex tape.
- Right.

- Let's put it that way.
- Okay.

- 'Cause I don't--
- Right.

No, and I don't think
it helps me

to be in a sex tape with you.

Well, we're not
in a sex tape.

I'm just saying.

Well, you call it a sex ta--
I'm just not sure--

I'm trying to get--
Talk in terms of your lingo.

I don't know.

I'm telling you that this
is something very explosive.

This is something that would
ruin my career potentially.

Right,
but you're gonna fix it.

So I'm not going to show it
to anybody.

- Good.
- You just have to trust me.

I'm an ethical person.
I only lie for good reasons.

Okay, all right.

So this is going away.
This is just going away.

You'll get the tree.
You'll be on the show.

And--And we're good.

And when
I am on your show,

we could go over the benefits
of Web Therapy.

Just-- You've just demonstrated
anger in a very real way.

And fear!

And maniacal laughter!

So those are many
of the emotions that exist

on the...

Emotional color wheel.

Yeah, it's just
now I'm feeling

this terrible sense of shame.
I mean, I've never really

- had that sense before--
- Dr. Wallice, I'm back.

Oh, now I have to go.

All right, I'll be in touch.

The lines at Starbucks...

Hey, you know
the tree is down?

- Oh?
- Soy latte.

[Vacuum running]

No, you listen to me,
Ben Tomlin.

I'd like to know exactly
who you think you are

to question one of my requests
for petty cash.

I'll have you know I'm spending
the thousand dollars

on a cleaning crew
for the plane.

Yes, a cleaning crew.

I don't know what
you and Kip do,

set off glitter bombs?

Yes, I need a whole crew
to do it.

- No!
- Oh, shit.

- Hi, Fiona.
- Oh, no.

Thank you so much
for accepting my call.

Listen, I apologize
right off the bat.

I really apologize
for my behavior

the other--
The other times we spoke.

- Okay, well, that's--
- I was totally inappropriate.

And I shouldn't have
called you

when I wasn't fully ready.

Yeah, I guess
you were a little un--

It's unsettling, I think, to go
into therapy for the first time.

Yes, yes.
That-- This whole thing is--

It's just not easy for me,
and, um--

And I'm just-- Thank you.
Thank you for seeing me.

Oh, sure.
All right.

Can you--Can you let me in?

What's that now?
What?

Um, I'm here.
I've been waiting here for--

No, that's--
That's my house.

Yes. Yes, I've been here
for an hour.

- Are you here?
- What?

'Cause you won't, um--

You won't answer the door,
which is weird.

'Cause I keep ringing.

Where are you?
Your car's here.

Yeah, I'm not there.
An hour?

Wonderful patrol we have
in the neighborhood.

Which room are you--
Is that your--

With the light on
over there?

Is that you?
Please let me in.

No, I'm--
You can't--You--

Look, we need to speak, okay?

I have to see you
in person.

Well, we are speaking--

My therapist said I need
to confront my demons.

You have a therapist?

- We need to talk in person.
- No no, we don't.

No.
In person?

I never talk
to anybody in person.

What are you doing?

Well, I will be the
exception to that rule, Fiona.

- Well, you're the stalker...
- No, I-- No.

- Is what it seems to me.
- I'm not a stalker.

Do you have--
Do you have a key here?

- Is there an extra key?
- What?

No! Of course there's not
an extra key.

Don't... start looking around.
No!

We don't keep it
under the mat.

Don't--
We don't keep it, period.

- Where is it?
- We don't have one.

Well, when are you back?
I need to see you.

We need to--
I can't find my phone.

I have to call the police.

No. No, don't--Don't--

- That's what I have to do.
- Please don't.

You don't need
to call anyone.

I'm leaving, okay?

- I'm leaving, I'm leaving.
- And not coming back.

No, of course I--
I can't promise anything.

I need to see you.

That's-- That's
what this is all about.

But you are able
to see me this way.

And that's the only way
I see patients.

I don't even see anyone
in an office.

I don't see anyone in person.

[Tapping knocker]
No, no! No one-- No.

Would you please
open the door?

There are only very large
armed security guards in there.

These are for you.
These are for you.

Please open the door.

Oh, well, since you went

to the trouble
of getting me flowers--

Stalker--
I will let you in.

Come on,
this is really silly.

The way you're behaving
is totally, totally wrong.

- Come on. Fiona.
- I'm wrong?

- I'm not home, okay?
- Let me in!

Let me in right now!

Oh, good, louder so someone
will call the police.

Let me in,
you fatherfucker!

You keep using that phrase
and that doesn't mean anything.

We say "motherfucker."
We don't say--

Is that--
Did you call the cops?

Did you call--

Well, the neighbors
probably did

'cause you've been
hanging around,

loitering and--

Okay, we're gonna--
I'm gonna talk to you.

God! God!

Fatherfucker!

No, no.
Verbally, no waving.

Hello, Putsy.

Do I--
Hello, Putsy.

Here, I'll just do this.

Yeah, if you can do that,
yeah.

Just make sure it doesn't--

And the same way
when you come back.

Oh, my God!

But when he asked you,
you wanted to save it.

- The neighbor?
- Yeah.

- Yes, well.
- Oh, shit.

When the neighbor asked you
the first time--

Motherfucker.

Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com