All language subtitles for Web Therapy - 02x09 The Insanity Offense.English.EN

- Previously on Web Therapy...
- Oh, my God.

Like, not having
a job sucks ass.

Oh.

It's Yukon Canneries
in Nome.

So I thought
that would be a good one.

You want me to be a gnome?

Is that like a smurf?

And also you should know
that I did get accredited.

Thank you.
No, it wasn't too--

Well, it was difficult, yes.

So anyway I'm swamped now
with clients.

[Jazz music]

♪ ♪

Sync, corrected by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

Hello,
I'm Dr. Fiona Wallice,

and you are Newell L. Miller.
Hello.

An "L"?
What does the "L" stand for?

- Lloyd?
- Look at you.

Yes. Oh, have you not done
Skype before?

You look--
You look amazing.

Oh. Thank you.

I remember you.

- Oh.
- I remember you.

Oh, I...Don't remember you.

You don't remem--You
don't--Nothing, huh?

No, I don--was it
a political fundraiser or...?

- I remember that mouth.
- Oh...

That's--That's funny,
I don't recall you

as a friend or anything.
I don't--

No?
Miller doesn't ring a bell?

Uh-oh, if you're famous,
then I'm sorry.

- I don't know actors.
- Miller? Nothing?

- Neville Miller?
- No, it says "Newell Miller".

Yeah, I know what it says!

Neville Miller,
ring a bell?

Well, you're already angry.

We haven't even had
our first session.

That's new.
[Cries]

What?

Um...I, uh,
I can't do this right now.

You didn't turn off
your computer.

You di--Oh.
Fucking--

Glad I could help.

Hello, I'm Dr. Fiona Wallice,
and you are Patrick Fitzpatrick.

Well, uh, no,
clearly, I'm not.

I use that name on the Internet,

but, as you can see,
I'm conan O'Brien, so...

Oh. No, I couldn't see.

And Conan O'Brien
is your real name.

Like Conan the Barbarian.

- No, I'm--I'm actually--
- That's an interesting name.

I'm actually the Conan O'Brien,
so we can, uh--

And "the" would mean...

The talk show host.

The comedian.

I'm Conan O'Brien.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I'm not familiar with your

with your show.

What--I don't know--
When is your show on?

It's on TBS.
It's on 11:00.

Oh, right,
so I wouldn't have seen it.

- I don't need sleep aids, so...
- Okay, well--

- I don't watch those shows.
- Yeah.

Well, anyway, I've been doing
this for a long time.

- Oh, good for you.
- About 18 years.

- Oh. Okay.
- And, uh, you know, I've been--

Well that explains a lot,
'cause 18 years,

and so it's a midlife thing.

You've been at it for 18 years
and still waiting.

Okay, I understand.

Waiting for--I-I don't...

For the big hit, you know?

For it all to come together
in a way that you would--

No, I-I'm pretty--
I feel pretty secure

that I've had some success
in the business and, uh--

- Yes?
- Yeah, yeah.

And I'm known.

When I go to a restaurant,
they seat me pretty quickly.

- Oh.
- Uh, that's a sign.

- "Right this way".
- Oh, wait.

Can you just pause
for one second?

I can't pay attention

'cause I'm googling you.

I think it's nice to know who--

Who I'm dealing with.

Oh, okay, yes.
That's--

Oh, Team something, Team
Your name, and then it's Team Coco?

- That's--
- So is that Coco Chanel?

- Are you...
- No, no.

Is it a fashion
late night talk show?

No, no, no, Coco is a nickname
that Tom Hanks gave me and--

Oh, he's very famous.
Congratulations.

Anyway, I've been doing this
a long time,

and I- I heard about your
service, and I was intrigued,

because it's anonymous,
and, you know, you can imagine

if someone like me
went into Beverly Hills

and be seen walking
into a therapist's office...

- Right.
- Because people would,

- you know, they'd recognize me.
- Would they?

Yeah, there'd be
a lot of people.

- Really?
- And it would probably be

in the tabloids, you know,

"Conan O'Brien
goes to therapist."

- Oh, really?
- Or Cona--

Don't recall ever seeing you
in the tabloids.

Twice.
Twice I've been in the tabloids.

- Twice?
- And it's been--Yeah.

- Okay.
- Locked myself out of my car,

- and they were there.
- Oh.

- Anyway--
- That's embarrassing.

I'd like to get some stuff
resolved in privacy...

- Yeah.
- And this seemed

- like a good idea.
- Okay.

No one sees me come,
no one sees me go.

And I'm here
in a very comfortable space.

This is my--This is my man cave.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

It's a basement?

Yeah. Yeah.
It's a place that my wife

lets me have this corner
just for me.

And, uh--Until her in-laws come.

- But this is mostly my space.
- Uh-huh.

And so I can just be me, and I
don't have to be that Conan

that everyone knows.

It's funny that you refer

to your parents as her in-laws.

That's the first thing
I picked up on

that I think is very telling.

Yeah, my parents come a lot,

- and I call them her in-laws...
- Right.

'Cause I get angry when I talk
about my parents.

- That helps me.
- That's very interesting.

I have a lot of, uh, anger
about different things,

and I have trouble--
I have trouble

expressing it
in a healthy way.

That's true because you did--

You said it made you angry,

and I didn't see any sign of it.

Yeah, the way I grew up
as an Irish catholic,

- you couldn't express your anger.
- Right.

And I had a therapist once
who said, "own your anger".

The only good thing
about owning anything

is that you're able
to sell it later.

So I don't agree
with that term.

I don't know what that meant.

So you don't own your anger.

Do you lease your anger?

Maybe you can do
a lease-to-own--I'm sorry.

[Laughs]
I just find it funny that--

No, it's--it's very funny,
and I'm--I'm--

Obviously I know funny,
and that's funny.

Oh, you do?
Okay.

So it's a comedy show?

Yes, yeah, I'm actually--
I'm the host--

I'm the host of the show.

- I'm--
- Oh, you're on camera?

- Yes.
- Oh, good for you.

- Well that's wonderful.
- Yeah, I'm on camera.

Why would you think
I wasn't on camera?

I didn't know.

You just said
you had your own show

and that there was a, you know,

a Team Coco, so I thought
it was a brand.

Maybe you were--Maybe
it was a cartoon show

and you were
a cartoon character or some--

I didn't--I mean, I'm sorry
I don't know who you are.

- I don't...
- No, it's just interesting

to me that you look
at me and you don't--

I don't look like someone
who would be on camera.

No, you don't at all.

Thank you for being
understanding then.

You have a good ego
about this, you know?

Do you think I-I don't--

I'm not good-looking enough
to be on camera?

- Is that--I mean, I'm--
- I didn't say that,

but if that's what you want
to hear.

- No.
- Then that's another issue

- we could deal with.
- I don't wanna hear that.

Would you like
to deal with the low--You know,

your self image or do you want
to deal with the anger?

Okay, I'm--Now I'm confused.

I guess I'd like to talk
about the anger.

- Okay.
- And we'll shelve the part

where you're shocked
that I could be on camera.

We'll put that in a box
and put it to the side.

Well, it's something
to think about,

but like you said,
let's shelve that,

and then let's pick up
the anger issue...

- Okay.
- And see how we can have you

- "own it" more.
- All right.

- Well, I--
- So you don't--

It's not anger management.

- No.
- It's the opposite of that.

It's expressing anger
that you need.

I have to always
be the nice guy,

always be the funny guy,

always be the guy that always
makes them laugh.

How tiresome.
[Chuckles]

Not just for you,
but for the people around you.

You must have a wonderful wife.

That's lucky.

Something to be grateful for.

Yeah.
Well, I am grateful.

I'm grateful for a lot
of things, but I feel

sometimes that I'm getting
angry, but I don't know

how to say in an adult way,

"I'm unhappy
with you right now."

'Cause that's exactly
the right way to do it.

An adult gets angry but doesn't
demean the person

that they're speaking with,

doesn't belittle them
or humiliate them.

- They simply let them--
- Dr. Wallice.

I'm in a session,
you colossal idiot.

How dare you just storm in
like that!

I am so sorry, Dr. Wallice.
It's an emergency and--

You're Conan O'Brien.

- Oh, he knows who you are.
- That's Conan O'Brien.

Okay, my impression
was this would be private.

- I would rather people not--
- No, this is private.

- This is my assistant.
- My wife absolutely--

Hold on a second.

Oh, I don't know
that this is okay.

No, can you
not do that, please?

Oh, no, I'm so sorry.

Who is--Who is that?

This is my assistant Jerome.

And he's never burst in before.

- I don't know how he knew--
- I apologize.

- Hi, Jerome.
- Hi.

What's going on, Jerome?
This is--

I love the Conan blimp.
That was such a gr--

No, but there's an emergency
in the driveway.

Your neighbor was just screaming
at me, holding a chainsaw.

- Yeah, he wants to cut down...
Both: The tree.

- Exactly, 'cause it's--
- Well, you know,

you go back out there,

and you tell him that he cannot

- cut the tree down.
- Cannot.

Because it's a 300-year-old tree.

All right,
I'm sorry that it has sap.

It's a tree after all,
all right?

So call the police,
and while you're calling--

I'm busy, Jerome, I can't--
While you're calling,

just hug the tree, all right?

So that he can't chainsaw it.

He's not gonna chainsaw you.

- Okay, I'll hug my--
- But go. Get out.

Pleasure to--Okay.

- Don't tell--
- He won't tell anyone.

He won't--'Cause I
was under the impression--

The whole point
is that this is confidential.

He just works for me.
No one's going to--

I haven't recorded this,
so no one's going to see it.

Do you record these sometimes?

Sometimes I do, yes,
but then I would send you

a release,
and you would say okay.

Well, in my case,
I'd say no, but, uh--

Then I won't send you
a release.

I can't believe your neighbor
wants to cut down your tree.

- That's--
- It's my tree.

It's on my property,

and it's a lovely tree,
you know?

- What a jerk.
- He is a jerk.

'Cause you have a tree,
he's--Yeah.

Yeah.
That's...Typical, just typical.

I hate that.

See, I could see
that you were angry just now.

I was angry,
and I expressed it, I think.

I think I expressed it--
I just said, "I'm angry."

- I didn't go into this place.
- Right.

I just said
I'm mad at that guy.

And do you see also
how I was irritated with Jerome

and I let him know
that I was irritated,

and then he was overstaying
his welcome,

and I sent him out
with a very firm "get out."

Yes. You were--
You were quite...

Borderline cruel.

You just really
cracked the whip.

I mean, you castrated him.
It was amazing.

Well, I don't know
that I castrated him.

But, um, you know, I think,
when someone's out of line

to the degree
that he was out of line,

he needs to be made
to understand

that it's unacceptable behavior.

You called him
a colossal idiot.

- I did?
- Yeah.

I don't think I did.

Uh, I don't hear that a lot.

I mean,
I thought it was great.

You ripped his balls off,
and, you know, it was amazing.

They're pretty firmly
attached, so--

Well, apparently
they do come off,

and you--You ripped 'em off,

and you tied a bow around them

and put 'em on a silver tray
and handed them back.

And that was--
That was amazing.

I handed them back, I guess,

is the important part.

So is this guy with the tree,
I mean,

what happens
with this guy?

Well, I'm gonna call
the police,

and so I'm gonna file a report.

Police aren't gonna do
anything, you know?

I call the police
on my neighbor all the time.

- Oh, you do?
- Yeah.

I live next to Erik Estrada,

- remember, from Chips?
- Oh, yes. Oh.

Yeah,
he is always power hosing stuff

in his backyard,
and the water gets everywhere.

And it washes up
onto our windows

and I've talked to him about it,
and he's impossible.

So I relate, you know.

Oh, you know what, I'm sorry.

On my Google I just saw it.

'Cause I had a moment
while you were talking.

And it says that your show
actually does very well.

We do well with,
you know, young people.

Younger generation
likes it, so...

That's wonderful.

You know, it seems--

I have
this new treatment modality,

so I'd really like
to help more people

if you could help me
get the message out.

So if you would have me on,

I'm sure I'd be
a very interesting guest.

Yeah, we don't do--
Mostly celebrities.

Mostly well-known actors,
and if we had...

Someone like you on,
it would have to be

a Dr. Phil maybe
or a Judge Judy.

I am like Dr. Phil.

Well, but that's--
He's such a known name.

Well, and I will be too
once you have me on.

It's just so that I could
help more people, you know.

Look at the results
you've gotten so far,

and this was only
our first session.

Well, I think there's
a way I could help you

that might be
a little more immediate.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

Well I'm exci--Oh, yeah.

Well, you do--it seems
that you also--

You're on Twitter,

and you have
a big Internet presence.

So sure,
'cause I'm on the Internet.

That might be even more helpful.
Thank you very much.

I think therapy's
a two-way street.

No, you know,
you're helping me,

and I'm gonna help you.

Wonderful. All right, then I
will see you next time.

Okay, I'm wide open.

- I really don't work very hard.
- Why don't I give you--

I could give you
some homework if you like.

Why don't you make
a list of the people

who you are having problems with
that make you angry, okay?

And then we can discuss ways
to deal with them.

- I could do that, that's great.
- Okay, good.

Then you have an assignment.

- Assignment received.
- Okay.

Is that what I say?
I don't...

No, we can just say--I'll say
good-bye, Co-nan,

and then we can--

Conan.
Just plain Conan.

Okay, good-bye,
blank Co-nan.

No, no, no,
you said "Co-nan."

That's what Regis says.
"Co-nan."

- Right.
- I'm just Conan.

Conan?

- Yeah.
- All right.

Good-bye, Conan.

Hey, Fiona.

I hope you get this.

[Wind howling in background]
Ow. It's cold.

I'm freezing my balls off.

Hey!
What's up?

- Lee, what's up?
- You coming?

Yeah, I'll see you
at jailbait.

We'll have some Irish car bombs.

I'll save you a seat
on my face.

Whoo-whoo!

I love your hair.

Thanks for the job hookup.
It's awesome.

I smell fish.

Do you smell it?

Bye!

Okay, so Team Coco.

Oh, it doesn't say
where they shoot the show.

I wonder what hotels
are in Los Angeles.

There a Four Seasons?
There is. Oh.

Oh, Newell Miller is back.

Don't remember an appointment.
All right.

Hello, Newell.

It's good to see you.

Hello.

Oh.

Jerome.
Yeah, Dr. Wallice.

The image on my computer
screen is frozen again.

Oh, again?

- That has to get fixed.
- Right, of course.

It's that very off-putting
Newell Miller too.

I don't want that face
on forever on my screen.

I--You can't hear me, right?

No, it's frozen.
He can't--All right.

- [Cries]
- What?

Oh, God. Hello?

No.

Okay.

Why won't this click?

Fatherfucker, fatherfucker!

What?
What does that mean?

Oh, he's truly crazy,
that's not a saying.

Hello, [In throat] Conan.
Hi.

- Did I say it right this time?
Con-n-nan?

- Just Conan...
- Conan.

It's not--Yeah,
it's not Dutch.

Uh, Conan.
[Chuckles]

That was funny.

Okay, uh, well,
I'm glad you liked it.

- That was very funny.
- Well, that's what I do.

- Um, I did my homework.
- Good, all right.

I was going to ask.
And?

And there is someone
who I've been angry with,

and I haven't been expressing
it, and it's my sidekick, Andy.

Oh, he's wonderful.

I was watching on the Internet.

I think on, um,
you know, yourtube?

On YouTube, YouTube.

And, um, he's wonderfully funny.

Oh, and the two of you together,
you set him up beautifully.

- You really do.
- Well, that's--

Sort of the issue is,
I don't feel

like I'm supposed to set him up.

I feel like he's
supposed to set me up.

And it's something
that I have not--

I've been holding onto

- and I have not expressed to him.
- Oh.

And more and more,
Andy's getting his own laughs.

He's wonderful.

Well, a sidekick traditionally
supports the host.

You know, Ed McMahon
supported Johnny.

Johnny told the joke,
and Ed McMahon laughed.

- Right.
- A-Andy doesn't

laugh at my jokes that often,

and he'll make jokes of his own.

Which are very funny,
so it's wonderful.

It's such an appealing part
of the show.

You know, I guess you're
sort of like the vegetables.

You know, the nutritious part
of the meal,

and then he's the dessert.

It's just fun.

He's the dessert?

- Well, I'm--
- And you're the vegetables.

You're where
all the nutrients are.

The roughage.

Roughage is important
for a healthy system.

Colon.

- I guess--
- Colon. Sounds like your name.

- It's Conan.
- No, I know, I know.

- I know it's Conan.
- You were doing your joke.

I guess my point is the show
is called Conan.

It's my show,
and it would be nice

if he supported me a little bit.

I tell very funny jokes,
and sometimes he doesn't laugh.

- Oh, do you?
- The other night,

I'm on the show and I said,

"Kirstie Alley
was on Dancing With The Stars,

"and she fell.

There were no survivors."

That is a very funny joke,
and--

Well, I got--He did
the same thing you're doing.

He just stared.

- Oh, he did?
- Yeah.

Well, I'm a member
of the audience.

It's my right not to laugh
if I don't want to.

But it seems to me, I'm
going--Look, I don't want to--

I don't want to seem
to be unsupportive.

- You're the boss, I've seen that.
- Yeah.

So if you are going to tell
a joke, then he needs to laugh.

Whether it's funny or not,
that's his role.

Well, yeah, but you have
to admit that was a funny joke.

There were no survivors.

I mean, she's a little heavy,

and so it's just funny
that she would fall

and that many people
would be killed.

There's just an inherent--

I think I'm just not
that mean-spirited.

My point is
it's his job to laugh it up

and sometimes
he makes his own jokes.

The other night, we had
a very attractive actress

- on the show, Olivia Wilde.
- Don't kno w who that is.

Big star,
and she came on the show,

and our set is smaller
than it appears on television.

- Okay.
- And she walked out,

and she said, "this is smaller
than it appears."

And I was just about to say,

"that's what my wife said
on our honeymoon."

And just as I was
about to say that, Andy said,

"yeah, that's what his wife said
on their honeymoon."

Oh.
[Laughs]

That's very funny.

But you didn't laugh
when I said it.

Well, I just picture
Andy saying it,

you know,
"that's what his wife..."

So I don't know.
I don't know why.

It got a huge laugh.

And the crowd started chanting,
"Andy, Andy, Andy,"

and Olivia Wilde
laughed really hard.

I mean, it was--it was
a 40-second laugh, easily.

I mean, I almost had it,
I almost said it

and he just beat me
to the punch.

No, you do.
You look very uncomfortable.

What do you mean, are you
looking at it right now?

[Audience chanting "Andy"]
Well, I pulled it up.

I guessed on how to spell
Olivia Wilde.

But I don't look
that uncomfortable, do I?

You look uncomfortable.

Okay, I thought
I just felt uncomfortable.

Okay, well,
then forget my word,

let's stick with your word.

'Cause your word's how you felt.

And that's what's important.

I just know
that I felt that way.

- Right.
- But, of course,

our feelin are just feelings.

I had a therapist once who said,

"feelings are just feelings"

- and they're not real.
- Right.

You don't really
look like an idiot.

You feel like an idiot.

Okay, feelings are feelings.

That's genius.
[Chuckles]

Of cour--What else
would they be?

They're just--
Feelings are colors.

- All right, that's my joke.
- Okay.

Anyway, um, you know,
the issue is that, um,

you're not being fully
appreciated for what you are,

which is the glue
that holds it together,

not the icing on the cake.

Well, I'd like
to be the icing.

I mean I'd like to--
I don't wanna be glue.

I mean--
Glue holds it together.

If he's making me look
like vegetable and glue

and sawdust and all
these things that we need

to have in our lives,
then I would rather

- he not do that.
- Right, okay.

Now I'm getting angry
about it,

and I would like to communicate
that in some way.

Well you're communicating it
beautifully right now.

If you can just
communicate it to him.

- Well, speaking about anger...
- Yes?

I'm curious, how did it
work out with your neighbor.

That was a big part
of our last session.

- Oh, thank you for asking.
- Well...

You're very generous
of spirit, I have to say.

For someone
who's in the entertainment field

and struggling
to get to the top,

I'm surprised you're not
completely self-consumed.

That's really admirable.

But thank you for asking.

My neighbor,
I don't know what happened.

But there was some vandalism.

A small fire was set.

And I've--He was very upset.

He left, and now
the house is for sale.

It's on the market,
so he's gone.

And I have no more issue
with him.

Well, you're welcome.

What do you--
I don't understand.

You're welcome.

I took care of it.

You took care of it?

Yes, I did.

My band, Jimmy Vivino
and the band...

- Yes.
- They were playing

in Philadelphia.
They had a gig.

And they're rough customers,
my band.

- I asked them to take--
- I've seen them.

Yeah, they have--
Some of them

have done time,

and three of them
aren't even musicians.

We'll get into that later.

And I asked them to take care
of your neighbor.

And I gave them the address,
and they took care of it.

- Oh.
- So, thank you.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Yeah. There you go.
- Well, thank you.

- Yeah. So yeah.
- Wow.

I don't know what to say.
I mean,

he doesn't seem
to be harmed,

- my neighbor, so that's--
- Well, they roughed him up

a little bit, they just shoved
him around and--

He was scared, I know that.

I know they needed Hazmat
to come in to clean up.

- Yeah. Yeah--
- From where he was standing

[laughing]
He was very frightened.

My band can be
very, very scary.

- Four of them are Italian.
- Right.

They took care of it, so
your problems are over.

- Your tree is safe.
- How sad.

It's a wonderful story

that I won't be able to repeat.

No, no one's
ever going to know.

- No. Thank--
- No.

Well, then, thank you.

And now that I've taken care

of your problem
and no one

- connects you to me...
- Right.

- You take care of my problem.
- Oh. Well, I--My fees--

- I did you a favor.
- Yes, no, I understand.

But I think it--
My fees are my fees.

- Well...
- So I can't really reduce them.

I think you have
the means to pay them.

I do appreciate the gesture,
but I didn't ask you to do it.

I wasn't talking about that.

What I'd like you to do,
and I've been thinking about it,

and I think this is perfect,
if you could call Andy--

'Cause this is the beauty--

No one can trace you to me.

You call Andy and say you're
from some group

that's conducting a study
for Turner Broadcasting

and the numbers are coming in

and it's revealing that Andy's
talking way too much.

All right? And just really put
the fear of God into him.

You know,
"you gotta shut your yap.

"You gotta laugh more at Conan,

or you could be on the pile
of rejected sidekicks."

You know, and make it
sound official

and let him know.

Let him know
that he's been playing with fire

and that the numbers
reflect that,

and, man, I think
that'd be pretty sweet.

I'll get you his number,
and you make the call.

Funny that you
think this is funny.

That you think this
would be a funny idea.

Well, it's something I've--

It's given you such joy.

I haven't seen
such a broad smile

on your face until you were
talking about this.

Just the thought of that--
I mean, that son of a bitch

getting that phone call and just
hearing, "you shut your trap."

- "You better just--"
- But why would he believe it

when he's so beloved?

I mean, he's clearly the draw.

- Okay--
- Do you think he'd believe it?

- I--
- I don't.

You'd make him believe it.

That's your job,
is make him believe it.

Well, actually my job
is a therapist.

My job is to help you
deal with anger

and address your anger with
the people to whom it's focused.

Your job at this point
is to do me a favor,

'cause I did you a favor.
We had a deal.

I never agreed
to that arrangement.

What is this,
an Alfred Hitchcock movie? No.

You made it clear.

You said,
"therapy's a two-way street."

Okay?
Well, guess what.

I drove down my side
of the street.

Now it's time for you to drive
down your side of the street.

Well, I took a turn,

and I'm not gonna use
that street any more.

No, no, no,
they closed that street.

You tried to take that turn,

and it is blocked off.
They're doing repair--

Well, there's another street.

Instead of making a right,
I made a left.

I know that street.
It's a cul-de-sac.

That's a cul-de-sac,

and children play there,

and you came back out.

It's a two-way street.

Well, I'm gonna pretend

I'm in a different neighborhood

where there is another street

I can take entirely, okay?

I'm not going to go down
your street with you.

Can we,
you know-- the street metaphor

may have been
a mistake and, uh--

No, I think
it's perfectly fine.

- There are plenty of streets.
- Let's go to this.

I'm gonna take
a different street.

I'm going a different path...

- All right.
- Then, as you people in L.A.

like to say,
I'm going to go my own way.

- I scratched your back.
- Well,

- this is apples and oranges.
- Pardon me?

I'm using a different kind
of metaphor.

I don't--We were on a street,
and now there's an apple.

I don't understand.
I'm getting confused.

The point I'm trying to make
is that I helped you,

and you need to do this for me.
It's that simple.

No, I'm absolutely
not going to do it.

All right, well, guess what,
it's your funeral then.

All right?
Your funeral.

Just remember that we had
this conversation. I--

That's a metaphor too,
though, right?

- Your funeral?
- I guess we'll find out.

No, let's say
that it's a metaphor.

- Maybe it is.
- Well, it should be.

Otherwise, this is a threat,

and I'm gonna have to record

this session,
which I didn't wanna do

to protect your privacy.

You don't record these.

- These are not recorded.
- No, it hasn't,

but I just have to push
a button, and I can record it.

Say that the funeral--
That's a metaphor.

There's no funeral.

- There was no funeral.
- Okay.

- There's not a funeral.
- All right.

But this is a whole
new ball of wax.

- All right.
- How's that?

- You like that?
- That's less threatening.

It's a ba--it's a different
ball of wax, though.

Fine, it's a ball of wax.

That's rolling right your way.

There's a ball of wax
headed your way.

I'm going to be able to sleep
just fine at night...

It's a big ball of wax.

Mr. Trying-to-become-famous
Co-nan O'Brien.

Trying to be--

Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

Jerome, my wireless keyboard
is frozen.

The battery's dead.

Come back in, David.
You didn't click off.

I can't click--He's back.

Cut, cut.
[Laughter]

[Bell rings]

Well, I took a turn,

and I'm not gonna use
that street any more.

No, no, no,
they closed that street.

You tried to take that turn,
and its blocked off.

- They're doing repairs--
- Well, there's another street.

Instead of making a right,
I made a left.

I know that street.
It's a cul-de-sac.

That's a cul-de-sac,
and children--

- I'm sorry.
- Children play there.

And lately Andy's been getting
his own laughs.

- Oh.
- Big laughs.

- Lately? All right.
- Well, okay--[Laughs]

- Famous one--
- I can't do this right now.

I can't do this right now.

[Laughs]

Oh, my God.