Original subtitles

Previously on Web Therapy...

...and you animated them as if I were doing things.

Fiona, I pixilated the pictures.

- You've got to calm down. - You pixilated the suit

- I was wearing... - Oh, give me a break.

So it looked like I was naked underneath the pixilation.

I think you should actually-- we should get Hayley

to sign a release so that we can use some of that.

No, Hayley's not involved...

- Officially. - Okay.

No, I love Hayley. Yeah, Hayley's--

well, yes, Hayley knows how to behave with other people,

just not with me.

The irony is really something, Jerome.

- I'm in love with you. - Oh. [Laughs]

I really--I-I-I want to-- I want to buy this book

for my production company.

And I'm all over town talking to everyone...

- Then stop. - Looking for a job.

Then stop looking for a job, because I will find you a job.

And also, don't forget that little favor

I was asking you about-- to take care of that issue.

- Oh, absolutely. - I think it is important

that it gets taken care of.

- It's done. - [Laughs]

♪ LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA ♪

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♪ LA LA LA ♪

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♪ LA LA LA LA ♪

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♪ LA LA LA ♪

Sync, corrected by Alice www.addic7ed.com

- Oh. - Hi, Fiona.

- Hi, "Kirsteen." - Hello.

Listen, before you say anything, I just want to say

I know the stuff with the lawyers got really out of hand,

and I take responsibility for that.

My lawyer told me that I was a little bit out of line,

and I-I understand, and I want you to know

that I took down some of the more racier fantasies

and put up some safer stuff, so I hope--

I just wanted to tell you that, so...

- Okay, well, I understand. - [Chuckles]

That's very generous of you, but I guess you can afford

to be generous when TMZ picked up on the blog, and...

I know. It's crazy.

Went all the way to identify me as "Felona W."

- God. - So, while the campaign

certainly wasn't very happy with that,

they were happy to get the support

of the lesbian community,

- I have to say. - Oh. Fantastic.

Yeah, so I have to thank you for that...

- You're welcome. - And I also need to thank you

- for--on your banner... - Uh-huh.

you put a link on to Web Therapy.

- Yes. - So, while I can't really

practice much right now because of the campaign,

I-I-have a lot of activity there, so...

Oh, good. That makes me feel so good, Fiona.

Oh, I'm-- I'm glad you feel good.

So now that we're all-- the apologies and gratitude

is out of the way,

woman-to-woman, I wanted to ask you a tiny favor.

Would you be willing to do the live chat tonight on my blog?

- Oh, I'd be delighted. - Please?

- Yes! Oh, Fiona. - Yes, but I have to tell you

that I tried logging on earlier, and I had difficulty getting on.

Oh, well, that makes sense, there's been so much traffic.

[Clears throat] Oh, is that why?

- Probably. It's crazy. - Well, maybe if you log on,

you can walk me through it.

Sure, I'll log on. Okay.

All you have to do is type "www.blogspot.com...

- Mmm. - Slash "neurotic cornucopia,"

and that will get you on.

"url no longer in existence." What?

Well, so it happened. Yeah, I thought it might.

- What happened? - He said--

Austen said he was going to, and I guess he did.

Well, it seems that he bought blogspot.

- What? - So he's taken down your blog,

as I suppose it doesn't fit his needs.

What does this mean?

Well, it means you're out.

- What? - It means you don't exist

on the Internet any more, dear.

You little snake. You can't stop me!

I'll go--then I'll go to AOL. I'll go to TMZ.

I'm the biggest thing on the web, Fiona.

You can't stop me. You cannot stop me.

Well, as it turns out, he's the biggest thing on the web,

because he owns most of it.

Oh, you two-faced, conniving therapist! Ugh!

Well, listen, um, I'm just going to say good-bye now,

- and I wish you well, Kirsten. - It's "Kirsteen"!

- Good-bye. - Kir--!

[Silence]

Oh, you see, I've muted you.

I can't hear you any more, Kirsten.

Oh.

Hello, Allegra.

- Oh, hi. - It's good to see you.

The check cleared, so thank you very much.

Oh, you know, I'm glad it-- I'm glad it all worked out,

because my management was really so against this whole thing,

and I--you know, they-- they finally--

they finally sort of believe that this script

is just gonna be so much better than the book,

that they felt comfortable clearing the check,

so we're all squared away now. It's good. [Chuckles]

All right, I'll take that

- as a compliment somehow. - Allegra. - Hi.

- How are you? - How are you?

I'm good. I'm very good. Thank you so much.

- Thank you. - Oh, is that a fan?

Was that someone who recognized you?

- I don't know who it was. - Oh.

I fucked him. I think I fucked him.

So not a fan. All right.

- No, he was a fan. - Oh.

So I just--

I'm so ready to dig into your life...

- Oh. - Because that's what I do.

I'm very--uh, I immerse myself in the character.

Even when I was preparing for the role of Baby Dove Hatching--

my most famous role, probably--

I lived for an entire night in a tepee.

I wore a ton of turquoise.

I mean, I really--I sometimes do it from the out in.

I do it from the in out.

It doesn't matter which way I get there in the end.

Right, but you slept in a tent and wore jewelry.

All right.

Well, yeah, but I mean, look what it did.

- Look where I am. - Right.

Look where I am. I mean, blessed.

[Chuckles]

So, just to start with--

kind of start with your marriage a little bit.

I'm--I'm sensing some coolness, some space, some--

It's very cool. Yeah.

Um, I didn't mean it in the-- in the "cool" way.

- Oh. - I meant it in the kind of

- tundra way. - Oh.

Was--is-- sexually, are you connected,

or is everything kind of-- down there, is it, like,

cobwebs and healed over and just...

[Imitates wind blowing]

- Frozen? - No, no, everyone is satisfied

- in the marriage. - Well, that's good to hear.

- That's-- - Okay? And I think that

what should be really underscored of my marriage

is that sense of commitment to mutual respect.

Can you make-- I'm sorry. Make--

can you say that in shorter words?

Commitment.

We've-- we commit.

- To what? - To each other,

to our marriage.

But you don't have sex?

Well, but you're not understanding.

Whether we have sex or not, we are equally fulfilled,

the two of us, so that enters into the realm

of no one's business.

If I need to tone down my sexuality to play you,

I need to be aware of that, because I've got, like, a sonar.

Well, you don't need to tone down your sexuality,

but you could maybe be a little more discriminating.

[Laughing]

Anyway, um, my husband and I-- we have, I think,

a perfect marriage.

You know, it's full of respect.

I get it. It's hard for you to feel good about yourself.

- Okay. - No, that's--

Now, I spoke to Shevaun briefly about--

- My sister Shevaun? - Mm-hmm, yeah.

I had a great conversation with her. She's--

Why would you speak with Shevaun?

- She's not in the book. - Because she's your sister.

She is part of everything that is the juice of you.

I mean, she's in your fabric.

You share DNA, and I got to get in on that.

So I called her up, and she told me--

you know, it was really interesting,

because it--you talk about it a little bit in the book,

the--the--the shit that went down at Wharton--

at your college--

all of the--the-- the plagiarizing and the copying

and that you got in some serious trouble with all of that...

- Well, th-- - And I wondered

if you could clarify, because I want to know

if there's a good legal scene in the movie--

- a good courtroom scene for me. - Yes, well, I mean, look,

the plagiarism issue can be very complicated, I think.

- You know-- - Copying someone else's work,

[scoffs] It's very simple. I mean--

Which I did not do, all right?

- You did not? - I may have left out

a citation or, you know, 25 of them,

but that doesn't mean that I was plagiarizing anybody.

I have full respect for the work that others have done

and would gladly give them credit.

So you have respect for the work that you copied.

Res--you know, imitation is the most sincere form of flattery.

No, but when you're--

I have many drag queens who dress like me.

I mean, it's flattering, you know?

Yes, and different from what I'm talking about...

- Also. - Okay.

You see, so I graduated.

I graduated with honors, all right?

That-- those are mine...

- She said-- - And my sister Shevaun

doesn't know anything about it.

She was nowhere near Wharton.

She didn't go to the school.

She wasn't there when I was there.

She was at Harvard, and they like to look down on people

who are at other Ivy League schools.

She said you slept with your professor.

I had many relationships with, uh, many famous people

- in my life, you know? - Say--zip. Say no more.

Well, if you want to reduce a relationship to "slept with..."

No, no, no. Say no more. I'm like--

- I'm like the grave. - ...then you, uh, you can do that.

Like, if you got it on with your professor--

Well, it was a meaningful relationship,

and I left it out of the book, because he has a family,

and I don't want-- I mean, now he has a--

There could be a steamy sex scene.

- A different family. - There--there--

there could be a steamy, steamy scene of sex.

Well, have it with my husband.

Okay. Well, it is fiction, so, okay.

All right, that's all right. I will see the script.

And then I'll let you know of any inaccuracies,

and then you can fix them.

- I'll help you. - We will. We'll--

we'll just tell the truth.

We'll tell the truth of exactly what happened in your life.

Wonderful. Speaking of the truth...

- Yes. - I had a weekend

of Allegra Favreau, uh, films. [Laughs]

Fun for you. [Chuckles]

Well, um, and I had to write down some of the titles,

because they were-- they were kind of--

Well, they're intense and they--they stay with you.

Well, one of them was particularly bad.

Um, it was called Can Somebody Please Make Me Eat?

Portrait of a Teenage Pre-anorexic.

- Yeah. - Yeah, and I have to say

that I think that there was a little bit of indicating.

Do you know what I mean? Instead of feeling the feelings

and being the person, I felt that you were sort of--

you could see that you were, um, pretending or acting.

Does that mean I look fat?

Well, to be fair, I didn't watch the whole thing.

After ten minutes, I had to turn it off, so...

Okay, well, maybe watch it again.

I don't know that--

well, if I ever feel like I need to punish myself...

[Laughing] I suppose I could, but--

I'm--I'm simply trying to help, you know?

I'm not--I don't--I'm not trying to be critical.

I'm just trying to help, so to that end,

I'm going to send you some DVDs

of films that I think will really help.

- Um, one's called Norma Rae. - Never heard of it.

Sa--re-- Sally field won an Oscar.

- Never heard of her. - Please "I know you like me."

Never heard of her.

All right, um, and Erin Brockovich.

Never saw--oh, Julia Roberts with the big tits.

And then also All About Eve, which is a wonderful film.

- Never heard of it. - My--you've never heard

of All About Eve, starring Bette Davis?

Never heard of her.

My husband and I watch it every Christmas.

- It's sort of a film staple. - I've never heard--

Is it a Chris-- is it a Christmas movie?

No, it's not. It's just something

that gives us pleasure, so we watch it.

It's something we have in common--

our love of Bette Davis.

I don't know who she is.

How can you not be-- how can you be an actress,

and not know who Bette Davis is?

Because I'm a different generation,

and, you know, we make our own way,

and we inspire ourselves.

I inspire myself.

I am my own inspiration, but, you know,

I've been working on you.

Tell me, just--

I've been working on this-- this part of you.

Hold on. So, if I--

just tell me if this is Fiona.

Okay...

This...

Or this?

Let me do it again, it was subtle. Hold on.

- It's-- - So, if I do this...

Or this.

This, this.

- This, this. - Right.

Which one? Which one is you?

This or this?

I think you should watch a little Bette Davis...

- Oh. - Because she really

embodies me.

I mean, I'll watch Bette Davis, but I got tell you,

it would help me so much if you could just come here,

'cause I don't really connect through the camera.

You're an actress who doesn't connect through the camera?

I know, it's funny, huh?

Bui just don't, and I would so appreciate it

if you would come here

so I could really get a sense of you.

Yes, well, of course, if it will help you,

- I'm happy to come to L.A. - Great, great.

That would be wonderful, but I'd need to fly--

I'd need a first-class ticket. [Car horn honks]

Oh, my car's here, finally.

They'll--they'll work out the details, okay?

- All right. - Thank you so much.

- Okay. - Bye, love you.

Ooh, those are short shorts.

Oh, the computer! Could you go get my things?

Go on. - But you forgot the--okay.

And the computer! [Dog barking]

What's that? There was a dog?

- Oh, Dr. Wallice. - Yes.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hi. Well, I've got your travel itinerary,

and I printed out your boarding pass for L.A.

- I've got both tickets. - Both return and going?

No, no. No, no, no.

The ticket for you and for Hayley.

For Hayley? Oh, that's new. What?

- Didn't you get my email? - No, I get 100 emails from you.

I can't read all of them or most of them.

Oh, okay, well, no, here's what happened.

I don't know if you know this, but Hayley's favorite actress

of all time--I mean, since she was a little girl--

is Allegra Favreau. - That's not possible.

It is. She watched that show when she was a kid,

and her favorite character of all time was Baby Dove Hatching.

- Uh-huh. - Hayley's always

singing the theme song.

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, prairie days ♪

- That's horrible. - All the time.

And--and over time, I knew that if I had the opportunity

to get the two of them together--

so I got Allegra's phone number,

and I took it home with me, and I surprised Hayley

by dialing Allegra, and she was able to call her

and talk to her, and they immediately started chatting.

What a horrible thing to do

- with one of my... - Oh, w--well--

Well, I guess she's not a client,

but still, that's--she didn't give you the authority

to hand out her--her-- her number.

You know what-- who was so, so generous?

Allegra. So generous.

She left the outgoing message

- on Hayley's answering machine. - Oh.

She's like, "this is Allegra Favreau."

It's really funny.

I'm sure she must have been starving for a fan. All right.

They kind of hit it off, and Hayley told her

about how she was having some difficulties at her job, and--

All right, so she found herself in need of a position...

- Well, no, and Allegra's-- - So she swooped in

on something that I was involved in.

- All right, continue. - Well, it--that--

it wasn't intentional, but Allegra said

that she was gonna be interviewing new assistants

when the movie started going, and--and, uh, Hayley

threw her hat in the ring,

so I'm surprising her with a ticket.

I used my miles, got her a business-class ticket.

You're in economy plus, but it's just one row behind, so...

She's in business, and I'm in economy plus?

I hope that's okay. I mean, she's--it really is--

Oh, what if it isn't? Then what happens?

I want to assure you that I used almost all my own miles.

I only had to borrow, like, ten from the, uh,

- Wallice account. - Well, why don't I--

why didn't I upgrade?

There weren't quite as many miles available.

Well, I'm glad I had enough miles...

- The ticket-- - So that Hayley could afford

to get bumped up, and I can sit behind her.

You're right. Next time-- next time I'm gonna do it

- the other way around. - Yeah, next time.

- "Next time," all right. - But it really--

it's, um--it's a very exciting thing for Hayley,

because Hayley has been talking about the show.

I just bought her for Christmas

the box DVD of all of Prairie Days...

- Well, that's wonderful. - Including the, uh,

the episode that got nominated, which I'm sure you've seen.

This one is iconic.

- You know, where--whe-- - I don't. I don't, I--

Oh, where Baby Dove, who had been losing her eyesight,

and she finally goes completely blind,

and she stumbles into a den of coyotes,

and they wind up raising her as their own,

and--you know, it-- God...

I get choked up when I think about it, because--

Then don't think about it any more...

- You're right. - And don't talk about it

- any more... - Yeah, you know what?

- And let's not...Keep going. - You know what?

This'll be our secret. Let's keep this a secret.

The ticket is a surprise for Hayley,

and if you could do me a favor, keep it a surprise.

- More? Haven't I done enough? - Well...

I bought Hayley, on eBay-- she knows nothing about this--

and original Baby Dove Hatching doll in its original box.

Can you believe that?

That she would want this? No, I can't.

Well, it's worth, like, 400 bucks.

I paid--I got it for, like, $380, but I mean, this a--

Where do you get all this money from?

A collector's item, you know, and--

Is that it? What-- what now?

So I'm gonna come up to the office.

You got her a gift. That's fantastic.

Yeah, I'll bring the itinerary.

Don't tell her anything about this.

Just put this in her carry-on. Slip it in.

What? Now I have to do something?

Just slip it into her carry-on with my note,

so that it's a surprise.

When she's on the plane and she's reaching in

for her In Touch and her Us Weekly,

she'll pull out the doll,

and it won't be a security problem.

There's no metal in here. There's no liquid.

Just slip it in her bag--would you mind doing that for me?

It'll be a big surprise.

- Okay. - Please? Oh, thank you so much.

- I'm happy to. - Oh, thank--

- Hi, Gina. [Laughs] - [Giggles]

You look beautiful.

Oh, really? Well, I just got back from California.

I was in L.A., so maybe I picked up a little sun,

and also, this-- you know, they wear

such outrageous jewelry there,

so I picked something up just for fun.

- Isn't it fun? - Yeah, you're really tan.

- Oh. [Laughs] Thank you. - [Laughs]

Yeah, you look, um...

Is that a bow in your hair or--or a chocolate wrapper?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh!

Well, you've been keeping yourself busy, I see.

- Yes. - Um, so...

I--my friend, Austen, who has all the companies--

I told you about him,

and he sent me a list of, you know, different--

I would love to get a job in L.A.

- L.A.? - I totally would be great

- in L.A. - Well, I don't think

- he has any...jobs. - In L.A.?

No, there are none.

Isn't there anything I could do? I would fit in.

Right, but not in L.A. There's nothing, so...

And I think the job is key, right?

- Oh. - So you can afford to...

Keep yourself in condoms.

Um, but the other issue is that most of the jobs

that he would have would require some secretarial skills,

you know, that are a little bit out of your wheelhouse,

you know, like light ting.

- I've got other skills. - And, well--

- I got bedroom skills, okay? - Right.

That's not one of his companies, however.

- Really? - And, um, I mean, filing.

- Mm. - Right, you'd need--

that would require mastery of the alphabet, so...

Right.

But there was one that I found to be very interesting.

Um, at a--it's, uh, Yukon canneries in Nome.

So I thought that would be a good one.

You want me to be a gnome? Is that like a smurf?

- No. Dear, it's in-- it's in Nome, Alaska.

That's a place.

- In Alaska? It's cold. - Yeah.

It's a cannery, you know, where they--

What do they--for beer? They can beer?

Cannery, yes, where they can. Very close.

Good for you. I think this is a good fit,

since you're already getting it, you know?

It's, um, a cannery where they can tuna.

I'm allergic to shellfish. I-I just--I break out in a rash.

Well, the good news, still, is that

this has nothing to do with shellfish.

It's tuna...

Which is not shellfish...

And you'd be in shipping.

Uh, I don't know. I get seasick.

I don't like ships.

Okay. Well, then, I think-- yes, you're right.

This is not the job for you, because the other down side is,

you'd be the only woman in the entire company,

if not the whole town.

I'm in.

- Hello, Allegra. - What do you want?

Just wanted to check in.

I haven't heard from you in a long time.

Oh, I wonder why that is, huh? I wonder why that is.

Well, I know that, you know, maybe it wasn't

the best visit to L.A. for either of us.

Oh, yeah. I wish you'd stayed home.

Well, no, I was happy to go. There was--

I mean, it started under a dark cloud anyway,

with Hayley getting arrested here in Philadelphia by the TSA.

I don't know how those cuticle scissors

got into her carry-on luggage-- I don't.

Like that was the low point.

Like Hayley's cuticle scissors

in her luggage was the low point.

How about-- how about the low point

being us going to the brunch

at the head of Lifetime's house in Malibu...

- Lovely. - And me drinking,

and you allowing me to drink and getting hammered?

- Allowing you to drink? - Yeah.

- Are you a three-year-old? - Encouraging me to drink.

"Have a drink. Have a drink. Only weak people don't drink."

[Deep voice] Have a drink, Allegra.

"Have a drink, Allegra."

Well, you don't seem to remember what happened.

What happened was, is that you kept saying,

"Oh, look at those drinks. They look so good.

"Oh, I wish I could have a drink.

"Oh, look at that. I wish I could have one.

Oh, I used to love that kind," and I couldn't take it

- any more... - Your job was to say no.

And I said, "then have a drink!"

And then I had to leave to catch my plane.

Oh, well, let me tell you what happened after you said,

"Well, have a drink, Allegra."

I started getting so fucking drunk,

[laughing] I couldn't stop laughing.

I couldn't see straight.

Do you know how many people had camera phone--

had cell phones, had recording devices

as I got progressively more drunk?

Do you know how annoying it is for people to--

Well, I didn't know how many people were--

Do you know what the people said?

You know what they kept saying to me? They kept going,

"Would you like a juice? Would yolike a juice?"

And I kept going, "No, I want a mojito."

And they kept going, "Would you like a juice?"

And I go, "No, I hate juice!

"I hate juice! I've always hated juice!

I'm an alcoholic, and I hate juice!"

And you know what?

People didn't think I was saying "juice."

Oh.

They thought I was saying "Jews."

Yes, they thought it was an anti-semitic slur.

- That's not good. - I'm--I'm basically a Jew.

Basically? I guess it doesn't--

I'm Jew-ish.

Why would I say I hate Jews? I hate juice!

Right, yes, that could get you into trouble,

but you know, you've always had problems with articulation.

You know, if you would have looked at that list of notes

I had sent you with the DVDs about--

well, anyway...

All right, well, I suppose a person like you

always is looking for some kind of scapegoat.

It can't possibly be your fault

that you can't tolerate liquor, and yet you keep consuming it.

That can't be your fault.

It must be some "disease"

or the fault of others who keep trying to offer you juice

- and other things. - God, you're--you're---

you're--you're not a therapist.

You're like a nagging nightmare.

You're a nightmare.

Seriously, I mean, I couldn't play you.

There's no movie now anyhow, because I'm done in Hollywood,

- but-- - I did receive a call

from Lifetime, and they are looking to move forward

with the movie, just not with you.

Well, good luck with that, and, uh, just so you know,

Sunrise, the very reputable porn company out of Nova Scotia,

they--they want to do the porn version of this book.

It's called Whistling While I Whacked.

I'm sorry-- I have to go because now

I'm going to be writing the script version of my book.

So Jerome and I have a lot of things to go over.

I need to send him off to work, and we'll just call it a day.

- Okay. - Okay, good.

It's kind of like breaking up.

It's kind of like we're breaking up, isn't it?

Like, "We're breaking up. I'm so sad."

- Except I'm not sad, but-- - You can assign it

- whatever you like. - You know what?

There is one thing that's been really bugging me.

Will you just tell me which one is better,

this or this?

- This or this? - Yes.

- This or this? - Yes.

No, but this--

Fiona, did you like that part of the fantasy

where you come in to the girl's birthday party,

and you're all hot, and you sit down on the chair,

and you got a little waist belt and big--

- [laughs] - Cut.

[Laughter]

[Silently] Kirsteen!

[Screaming]

Hello, Allegra.

I just wanted to check in. [Laughing]

Are you all right?

[Laughing] I need a tissue.

- Well, I hope not. - [Laughs]

I hope you'll live a long and happy life.

[Laughs]

Ah, fuck it. I'm drunk.

Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com