All language subtitles for Web Therapy - 02x05 - National Exposure.ASAP.EN

Previously on Web Therapy...

And we assume we'll need
a documentarian to film sort--

Okay, I'm sorry,
hold on one sec.

Did you--
this is someone--a doc--

someone who's gonna be
in charge of the image

of the campaign that--

Well, you're in charge
of the image of the campaign.

- Make no mistake.
- Thank you.

You--you beckoned me.

You told me
to come into your office.

- You closed the d--
- Beckoned you?

"Come hither, to my lips?"

No, I don't think
I said that.

You told me that I had
very kissable lips,

and you asked me
to come into your office,

and you asked me
to shut the door.

If you must know,

my secret is that
I have admired you

for so long.

Wow, you know,
I-I can publish this book.

I've got publishing houses
to talk to about it.

Oh, really?

Well, some other things
have come up,

like, um, let's see,

some purchases
at Manly & Lacy...

Midnight Tran to Georgia.

Novelty items for
a bachelor party in my office.

Sync, corrected by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

I was listening,

but I'm doing something
right now, Ben.

All right, what?

Yeah, that
sounds good too.

Well, thanks
for running it past me.

I think those are good things
for Kip to do.

And I appreciate the effort.

All right.

Also, just so you know,

I am aware
that you spoke with Austen

to have the publication
of my book postponed

till after the campaign.

You could have spoken
to me about that...Also,

and I would have complied.

Anything for the campaign.

Are you laughing?

All right.
Oh, and, um,

and also, you should know
that I did get accredited.

Thank you.

No it wasn't too--

Well, it was difficult.

Yes, um, so anyway,

I'm swamped now
with clients,

but I think what I can do

is that I could do
some more national publications,

you know,
do some interviews.

I can do them from home.

So if you can get me into,
um, Allure magazine,

or Marie Claire,
or something like that,

I think--

No, I think I am glamorous
enough for those.

Well, let's not be defeatist
about it.

Why don't you try?

Now I have mock-ups here
to generate interest.

Oh, no, not this one.

♪ ♪

- Hi.
- Hello.

Hi, I'm Dr. Fiona Wallice.

And you must be
Kirsten Noble.

It's actually
"ker-steen No-bel."

Oh.

Everybody gets it wrong,
but it's okay.

- "Ker-steen No-bel."
- Says Kirsten Noble here.

- That's funny.
- It's "Ker-steen No-bel."

N-o-b-l-e?

It's n-o-b-l-e
but pronounced "No-bel,"

like the Nobel Peace Prize.

"Ker-steen No-bel."

Everybody gets it wrong,
and it's annoying.

"Ker-steen," all right.

So it's like Sade,
I suppose...

- Yeah.
- Sort of thing.

And no--okay.

- "Ker-steen."
- So can you see me okay?

- I see you perfectly fine.
- Okay, good.

- Yeah, do you see--
- I'm not used to doing this.

I don't usually do interviews
this way,

- but since you wanted to do it--
- Oh, only b--

well, I thought it would be
something sort of amusing.

This is how
I conduct my therapy.

I'm a therapist,

and I conduct my therapy
over the Internet, like this.

Okay, hold on,
hold on, hold on.

I'm just gonna turn on
my tape recorder.

- Oh, all right, yeah.
- Just take one second.

You don't want to miss
a thing, so--

No.

Okay, so I'm just gonna
turn this on...

And make sure it's on.

I'm gonna set it...
Okay.

Up and make sure that's on.
Okay. Okay.

- There we go.
- It's on?

- Um...
- But you know that it's on?

- That's good.
- Wait, hold on one second.

Okay, it's on.

So I am speaking
to Fiona Shaw,

- the wife of the republican--
- Yeah, no.

Well, it's Fiona Wallice.

I-I'm so sorry.

- That's all right.
- So...

I have a bunch of questions
for you.

- No doubt.
- How, um...

Fiona Wallice,

how did you and, um,

well, Fiona Wallice, being--

what is it like being the wife
of a republican candidate

for a congressional seat
in Pennsylvania?

What is that like?

The wife of a--
I'm sorry,

- I got distracted with myself.
- Okay.

I wanted
to know what it's like

being the wife
of a republican candidate

running
for a congressional seat.

Well, it entails a lot
of appearances

and, you know,
just also trying

to put forth the candidate's
platform as well.

You know,
I'm his partner in crime,

although we haven't committed
any crimes.

- You know, it's just a saying.
- Mm-hmm.

It's a colorful saying.

How did you two meet?

I love hearing
love stories.

Okay, oh,
'cause we're a couple,

so it's that human interest
factor. I got it.

Um, Kip and I met
while, uh,

you know,
he's a very successful attorney.

He was an attorney
at the time,

and I was working
in the, you know,

unfortunate financial world.

Mm-hmm.

You know, the notorious
Lachman Brothers.

There's a story
that I wrote a book about

that we can circle back
to later, I think.

Um...

- And that's how we met.
- Mm-hmm.

- Some acquisition of some kind.
- Mm-hmm.

- Is it important?
- I don't need that.

All right.

- Um--
- and as I mentioned,

- I've written a book...
- Mm-hmm.

Which I don't know
if you found that

- in your Google search.
- No.

'Cause it's not out,

and I don't know
how anyone would know about it

except for now
I'm telling you,

and you can dispense
the information.

Course, that will wait
till after we're done

- with the campaign, and--
- Mm-hmm.

You know,
then I'll be able

to probably meet with you
again to discuss it.

Let me keep my eye out
for that book.

That sounds interesting.

I wanted to get back
to some comments you had made

- in the press...
- Oh.

That have gotten
a lot of buzz.

Oh, I wasn't aware.

You said that fat people

should pay a surtax
on their food,

particularly baked goods?

Yes, well, I mean,
yes, I did.

You know, I don't know that
I said it exactly like that.

But, you know,
I-I-I do think that

it's not a bad idea.

You know, we're all so concerned
with obesity.

You know,
it's a big concern.

And why not generate
some revenue for our state?

And you also
said something

about immigrants
that was very kind of weird.

Oh, about immigr--
that was weird?

Well, I don't know
how weird it is.

Uh, it's just a fact that,
you know, unfortunately,

most immigrants come
to our country

to escape some very unfortunate,
unplea--

What?
This is just something.

What is the salary
for a congressman?

- What's the salary for--
- The yearly salary.

I always wondered about that.

Um, I don't--

how do you quantify pittance?
I don't know.

You know, that's not why Kip
and I are doing this.

You know, we're--it's more of--
we think it's, you know,

good for the--
can I ask you something?

- Yeah.
- Are you at your home?

- Or is this an office?
- Yeah, I'm at my home.

Oh, so you don't have an o--
you're not on staff at--

I do, um...
I do freelance journalism.

I used to have a company
where I did clutter busting.

But then my partner
backed out,

so I started freelancing.

- Clutter busting?
- 'Cause I like to--

- What is that? Like, hoarders?
- I was a c--

people who hoard?

No, I would just do, uh,
organize people's homes.

And then I needed
to make some extra money,

so I also started doing
freelance journalism

'cause I wrote in high school,
and I like to write.

Also I have a blog
that I do at night

called Neuroticornicopia,
and that's my main--

that's my baby.
That's my dream.

But I do--i do
do freelance interviews

and such during the day.

But this will be in--

I assumed this was
for InStyle Magazine.

That's what I was told--

- this interview.
- Uh... no.

I'm doing the interview,
and then I'll see

if people are interested
in it enough, I can--

sure, I can get somebody
to publish it... somewhere.

So it's not going
to be placed

anywhere in particular.

I'm not from InStyle.

That's--

A girl's got
to make some money, you know.

Yes, and she does need
to promote

her husband's platform
for his campaign.

However, it looks like
I won't really be able

to do that here.

So that's nice
that you have a blog.

I'm sure
the 20 people who--

You want to hear one
of my sexual fantasies?

Well, not particularly.

I mean, unless we were
in session together.

- But we're not.
- For some reason,

I like...
Motorcycles and helmets,

and I have a fantasy
about a man who's, you know,

grieving the death
of this father,

riding a motorcycle
with a helmet on,

with his girlfriend,
with a helmet on also,

and he just doesn't want
to feel the feelings of grief.

And they stop
and have sex,

and he pulls her pants down,

and he does all these things,
and the cops come

and stop them.

And he takes off
the helmet,

and he's just--tears are
just coming down his face.

The girlfriend
feels sorry for him.

And she participates in this,
but they both get citations.

And it's just dirty,
and policemen--

and that's the end
of the fantasy.

- Okay.
- And I'm the girl...

- Oh, well.
- With the grieving man.

There you go.

- Well, how nice for you.
- Yeah.

Um, well, listen,
enjoy your journal entries...

That you call a blog.

Um, so--and the five people
who read them.

I mean, I can't imagine you have
a lot of people that--

Actually, I put that one up
last night,

and I had 250,000 people
log on to that.

- How m--did you say 250,000?
- 250,000 people.

- That's a lot.
- It is.

Well, that's very impressive,
you know?

I mean, look, I'm sorry
to be so hard on you.

And, you know, to make up for
it, I'm willing to offer my--

Oh, my--
you are not gonna believe this.

- What?
- My tape recorder is not on.

Would you mind terribly
if we start over?

I am so sorry.
Well, that's all right.

My apologies.
This has never happened.

I-we could do it again,
maybe, on your blog.

Oh, my God.

♪ ♪

Oh, yes, there it is.

Richard, you look very happy.

You're welcome.

Glad you appreciate the job.

Um, what?

No, my hair and makeup's
not too expensive--

I don't think--it is
what it's supposed to cost.

Well, I can't lower it.
I can't.

Is this--wait a minute--

is this Ben Tomlund asking you
to talk to me about that?

Well, he must be
behind this.

Well, he's always out--

I'm sorry.

I don't think he's very good,
and you must see it in--

oh, you've sent me
another picture.

Thank you.

But it's Ben though.

I mean, he makes mistakes
that I can see.

You must be able
to see other ones in the finan--

No?

Not any?

You can stop sending me
pictures now.

Yes, I remember
what you look like.

You know,
I didn't get you this job,

so you could flirt with me
endlessly.

No, that was flirty.

No, what you said was flirty,
I think.

Do you remember--

All right, lady MacBeth,

you can protest all you want,
but--

No, that was--
it was flirty.

Yes, it--
yes, it was.

♪ ♪

- Hello.
- Hey.

I'm Dr. Fiona Wallice.

Hi, I'm...
Allegra.

- "Fav-rew"?
- Fav--

- "Fav-row."
- Favreau.

What seems to be your issue?

Why are you seeking therapy?

'Cause you laugh
inappropriately?

Um, no.

I'm not used
to people being able

to talk easily
to me.

You know, it's hard.
I'm an actress.

I understand if you're
a little nervous, and--

well, I'm not nervous.
Are you a famous actress?

Um, yes, I'm a famous actress.

I see.
Oh, I see.

You were in a show called
Pioneer what?

Prairie Days, Teepee Nights.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

I've heard of that show.
I have.

I'd be so--

I'd be so worried
if you hadn't.

Well, I was in college,

so I didn't see much TV
at the time.

You were in college
during that?

- Well, a freshman.
- Really?

I think.
But I was busy.

I didn't watch television.

I mean, I was a kid then.

I played a little--
I played a little girl.

- Mm-hmm.
- I would have thought--

well, you played
a little girl,

but you were obviously
probably a little older.

No, I was a little kid.

Okay, all right.
Well, all right, good.

I played a little
Native American girl

- called Baby Dove Hatching.
- Right.

You've never heard
of Baby Dove Hatching?

Yes. No, it does.
It sounds very familiar.

I see also you worked
with Tyne Daly,

who I think is wonderful.

- She's amazing.
- Unless I'm thinking of--

it is her, then,
not the blonde one?

Which one was in Gypsy?

Tyne Daly.
Yes, yeah.

Yeah, we did a production
of Waiting for Godot.

Okay.

An all female production
of Waiting for Godot.

Interesting.

Oh, it was a long wait.

A long wait...
Very funny.

- You know the play?
- No, I don't.

Okay.

But, um, no,
that's wonderful.

And then--oh, you were
in a series very recently--

Sober House Lockdown?

I've heard of the show, but I
don't watch that kind of thing.

So you had an addic--

Well, it sounds to me like
you don't watch much television,

and this is the highest rated
show on the air.

- Oh.
- I mean, it's really why

there's so much interest
in me at the moment.

I mean, there's always
been interest...

- Right.
- But there is a lot right now,

and kind of crazy
in the blogosphere,

um, because of Sober Lockdown.

I was on a show
called Sober Lockdown.

I was locked down,
and I am sober.

Well, that's one--
that's fine then.

That's wonderful. I'm sorry
I didn't know of your work.

Let's bring it back
to why I'm here.

- All right.
- I was on an airplane.

Um, and I was--

- Where was I flying back from?
- I don't know.

I was flying back
from New York City.

- Okay.
- And I dropped my gum,

and I was looking for it,

and I went down the back
of the seat pocket,

and I was looking down there,

and gummed to the SkyMall

was the galleys of your book.

Oh.

The Whistling While I Work book.

Yes, that is my book.

Yeah, well, it
was stuffed down like--

- On an airplane?
- Yeah.

From where? From--

From New York back
to Los Angeles.

Yes, okay, then--

But it wasn't a direct flight.

I guess it was lost.
So thank you.

You're just trying
to return it to me,

and I've been
misunderstanding.

I thought you wanted treatment
of some kind from me,

and, really, you just want
to return my book to me.

Thank you very much.

Oh, boy,
is this your lucky day.

- Oh.
- Oh, okay, um...

You're sitting down,
so I don't have

to tell you
that you're sitting down.

Um, I--

I'm in love with you.

- Oh.
- I really--

I wanna buy this book

- for my production company.
- Oh.

And I think Lifetime
will really want

to make a movie, um,
starring me as, you know,

the pretty version of you.

- How flattering.
- You get to be me!

I mean, that's pretty
flattering, right?

No, I don't get to be you.

There will be a connection
between you and I.

If I play you...
We will always be associated.

And that association
is only gonna behoove you--

it's funny,
I don't see that

we would have
that much in common.

Well, I know,
because I'm kind of hipper

and of a different generation.

But I feel like I could bring
some "fla-vah" to you.

And you give me the opportunity
to...

Be so uptight.

Well, all right.

Well, I'll have
to consider it,

whether I want
to write the adaptation

- of my book for...
- Well, well--

a Lifetime movie.

You see,
the way it works in Hollywood,

is, um, you know,

I say that I want
to do something,

and then I do it.

Oh, is that how it works?

Kinda. Um, well,
when you have, you know,

2 million people tweeting
about you every day.

- I do? No.
- And hitting on you.

- I have, in fact, seven.
- No, I do.

- Oh.
- I do.

So I said this is what I wanted
to do.

And I went to Lifetime,

and they said,
"this is a great idea."

And the only thing is I forgot
to, um, get your permission.

But, um...
Please can I be you?

So then you want to option it.
How much is an option?

Yes, $10,000
Is what they--

- is it?
- Is what they had to offer you.

And then, obviously,
there would be, um,

there would be more money
down the line...

- Oh.
- As a producer and your input.

Great,
so we'll negotiate that.

Okay, well, that's wonderful.
All right.

Well, then, yes.

- Yes, I say.
- Great.

"Yes, I say."

Yeah, that's wonderful, so--

"that's wonderful, so--"

oh, you're trying
to sound like me now.

I'm trying to sound like you,
yes.

Oh, you're--
oh, that's very funny.

- "Oh, that's very funny."
- Is that how it works?

- That's how actors--
- "Is that how it works?"

I just want to immerse myself
in you, just completely imm--

Well, you have
a long way to go.

You have a permanent smile.
Is that hard?

Oh, well,
maybe I'm just a happy person.

And you talk
with your eyes shut sometimes.

I've never
really analyzed myself.

- It's a little uncomfortable.
- Well, allow me.

Well, that's work you can do
on your own.

Okay.

Um, well,
it was wonderful to meet you,

and I guess
we will be in touch.

I guess we will be in touch.

This is so fun!

Say something more.

♪ ♪

From Manly & Lacy.

Honestly, Kip,
that was just a stupid--

That is addressed to me!

- That is my box!
- I'm opening it!

It is not--
that's--look!

There. No!

- You can't! It's mine!
- I need to see it!

- You don't have to see it!
- Let me see this!

- It's mine!
- Oh, yes, wonderful, Kip!

- It was a gif--
- Wonderful!

It was a back-ordered gift
for your mother.

For my mother?
That's ridiculous.

No, it's not!

I'm telling Ben Tomlund
about this.

I don't care, Kip.
This is a horrible thing to do!

- What do you mean?
- What's your excuse? It's ano--

it's a "bachelor party"
for the "law firm"?

"Someone trying
to sabotage you again"?

My fingers are getting cramps!

I don't know what
you're talking about!

We can't afford
another sex scandal!

There will be no sex scandal.

Oh, wait,
there's a Google alert for me.

- You're a lesbian?
- No, I'm not.

- Course I'm not.
- Well, what does that mean?

- This is just wrong.
- That explains a lot.

♪ ♪

It doesn't read
like a fantasy.

Oh, please.

It reads like something
that actually happened.

I mean, it doesn't look fake
is the issue that I have.

And it's not just me,

it's that I have
a whole campaign behind me,

- who's very unhappy.
- Hmm.

It's what we call, um,
it's libelous.

Slanderous.
It's libel.

Oh, really?
It's the Web.

It's the Web, Fiona.

Everybody knows that everything
on the Web is a fantasy.

It's cute

to hide behind
the word "fantasy."

However, you used
the name "Filona W.,

wife
of Pennsylvania candidate,"

which makes it not really much
of a fantasy

or any kind of fiction,
to be honest with you.

Did you like the part
where you show up at the party,

and there's
all the girls there,

and you straddle the chair

and take off your shirt,

and then all the girls
go in the water...

Well, I'm so happy--

and I washed your hair?

- Yes.
- My boyfriend loved that part.

Yes, but you used pictures
that I had sent to you

for what I thought would be
a legitimate article,

and you animated them
as if I were doing things.

Fiona,
I pixilated the pictures.

You got to calm down.

You pixilated the suit
I was wearing,

so it looked like I was naked
underneath the pixilation.

All right,
this conversation is over.

I have to demand
that you take down that blog.

No, I'm not
gonna take it down.

I demand that you
take down that blog.

Ooh, I like
how mad you're getting.

You're going
to hear from my attorneys.

- Well, I am mad.
- Ooh.

I'm piping-hot mad.

- You're so mad...
- How dare you!

And so well-done,

all coiffed hair
with your little suit on,

so serious
with your therapy talk.

You're inspiring me
to go blog.

- Good-bye.
- No. No, don't do that.

♪ ♪

Hello, Austen.

Hi, Fiona.
How are you doing?

- I'm well.
- Another lovely shade of red.

Oh, oh,
I'm glad you like it.

I do.

Matches your blushing cheeks.

How are things?

They only blush
when you're around.

Oh.

I'm red all over.

Oh, I can't wait
to see in person.

- Me too. Soon.
- Listen.

- I want to tell you something.
- Mm-hmm.

Now I understand,
you know,

Ben has spoken with you

about postponing the publication
of my book

till after the campaign,
and that's heartbreaking,

but I understand.

You know, what's ever best
for all.

You're taking one
for the team, Fiona,

- and I really appreciate that.
- Thank you, thank you.

I look forward to the benefits
that we'll reap later on.

Um, but I just wanted you
to know

that there's interest
in the book from Hollywood.

- Really?
- Yes, it's very exciting.

That's amazing.
It's no surprise.

Oh, thank you, it is.

It's full of drama
and a very strong woman,

so I guess, a lot of,
you know--

that's just in demand,
you know.

There's gonna be a lot
of big stars

desperate to play you.

Well, there's one
in particular...

Who's interested in playing it,
but it'll get done.

Why don't you let
my film division handl--

Harvey could really
help you out.

Oh, wow--

you don't need
to look outside this ever again.

Rather not look outside this
ever again.

But as long as this
is already in the works--

thank you
for that generous offer--

Why don't I just go out there
and investigate

how real it is and,
you know, see--

Okay, sure.
You're your own woman.

I get it.
Get the feel--

Okay.
As long as you like it.

That's great.

So I can have the jet
for next week?

No, no, you can't have
the jet next week.

We need the jet.

We're traveling
all across the country.

- Yes.
- You can't have the jet.

You can have it
on the weekend.

Oh, hello, Kip.

I didn't know you were there
and listening and judging.

Well, I'm not.

I was in the bathroom,
and, uh, but you can't.

We need the jet
this week.

We've got campaign business
all over the country.

In fact--

You can have it
for this weekend.

Right now, we're actually
on the way

to, uh, have a meeting
with Donald Trump.

- See the Donald.
- We're trying to get--

Donald's interested
in backing me in the campaign.

Can you imagine
what that will do?

Well, that sounds fun.

- Mm-hmm, no, it won't be.
- Sorry I can't be there.

- Believe me.
- That would be great.

Well, I'm sure
it's better that I'm not there,

otherwise Donald Trump
would just be flirting with me

the whole time,
and that would be awkward

for, well, I guess,
the both of you.

- It certainly would.
- Well, yeah, that's inevitable.

Now, listen, Fiona,

the stuff that Ben
has booked for you this weekend

is very crucially important,
so--

Oh, really? It's crucially
important that I speak--

go to Lancaster

and speak with the League
of Amish Women Voters?

They are
a very powerful group.

Really? And that I appear
on Mennonite Tonight?

- Mennonite Tonight?
- Yes, it's a popular show.

- Yes, they have a show.
- Of course it is.

- Sounds like a porn film.
- It's not a popular show.

Let's not--
it's an extremely--

in the sect,
it's a popular show.

Do the Amish even vote?

- I don't think so.
- Yes, of course they do.

- Do they?
- Well, how dare you?

Of course they do.

Well, they don't take part
in society.

How dare you?
How dare you?

You know,
I think this is Ben's baby.

He's organized this,

and he has emailed me
three times.

Are you having issues
with Ben?

Yes, Ben seems to like
to try to drown the baby

in the bathwater.

- What are you talking about?
- Ben's baby.

Ben is the greatest thing
that has happened in my life.

Since you, of course.

But Ben is very important.
He is the most--

he is behind me 100%
in every way.

I wouldn't get up
in the morning without Ben.

All right.

I'm slightly anxious
that there's a schism here--

there's a Ben schism--
and we can't have that.

Well, there has been,
because she, frankly,

is just a little jealous of Ben,
for some unknown reason.

- Jealous? Or burdened?
- Well, I think you are!

It's irrational behavior,
and I just think Ben--

Irra--he makes one mistake
after another, that man.

Let me talk to Ben, Fiona.

- Let me talk to Ben.
- Thank you.

I'll mop up this.

All right, well,
thank you for the support.

- I appreciate it coming from you.
- Ben will be resolved.

Thank you.

And also, don't forget
that little favor

I was asking you about,
to take care of that issue.

- I think it is important...
- Absolutely.

- That it gets taken care of.
- It's done, it's done.

- What is it, Kip?
- Sorry.

Ben just sent me
the funniest picture.

♪ ♪

It's kind of hot.

Stop it.

- That's insanity.
- Cut! Cut! Print!

Well, I don't know
how blindly it is.

I mean, it's just important.

I mean, Austen,
wouldn't you just say that Kip--

- wouldn't you say--
- Cut! Cut!

- My thing--
- Okay.

Hello. No, you can have
the jet for the weekend.

Uh...
Tom has booked you--

- "Ben," isn't it?
- Yes.

Let's come in again.

Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com