All language subtitles for Web Therapy - 02x03 - Campaign Reform.ASAP.English.HI.C.updated.Addic7ed.com.EN

Previously on Web Therapy...

Well, this is a fantasy
relationship you have,

because Kip happens to be
very much in love

with his wife.

We're in love.

It hasn't gotten
physical yet,

but his little
"business trip" this weekend

in Atlanta...

Meet Atlanta.

The reason he told me
that he couldn't perform

is that he said he only
hit on me to begin with...

[Gasps]
Because he thought--

he thought
I was a transvestite!

- What?
- What?

Of course he wasn't
turned on by me.

I don't have a penis!

- I love you.
- Well, you're my inside man.

'Cause we're like
best friends.

Austen, it's Fiona.
Listen, don't bother

to call me back, all right?

I think I'm going
to take my book elsewhere.

[Mellow, jazzy music]

♪ ♪

Sync, corrected by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

Well, hello, Fiona.

Oh, hello...
Sister...Maxine.

[Laughter]

I thought you'd get
a kick out of that

as I'm wrapping up
all the loose ends

- here in my office.
- Oh, yes, yes.

That's why I'm calling,
to check up on you.

I'm happy to see you're
in such good spirits, I mean--

- Oh, I'm feeling wonderful,
thank you.

I'm feeling wonderful.

Austen doubled my advance,

and then I was very sorry
to hear that he had fired you.

But you don't seem to be upset,
which is suspicious to me.

No, no, I'm not upset
at all.

In fact, this is pretty much
the happiest day of my life.

- Oh.
- [Laughs]

Let me just explain.

I-I made a vow.
I made a vow,

I think to St. Jude,

that I would watch over
and take care of Austen.

And no matter how much I tried
to get him to fire me--

because I couldn't quit.
I couldn't quit

and offend a Saint
in that capacity.

What do you mean?
You--

Well, you know,
I always told him

he had to pick--
the floozies or me.

You know, my God-centered
spiritual life or--

and he always chose me,
until you.

Until me.
And then you got your wish.

You got fired
from your assistant's job.

All right.
My faith is so strong.

My connection to St. Jude--
I can't tell you how many times

he's helped me find
my keys.

- Oh.
- Yes. I lose things,

and right away
St. Jude is there, you know.

- So, uh, I had to--
- He sounds wonderful.

- I'd love to meet him.
- Mm.

Did you get the
Catholic for Dummies book?

Because they're not actually
still living, the saints.

Right.
No, it was a joke.

It was Saint humor.

Oh.
[Laughs]

I'm not familiar with that.

So St. Jude, the Saint
of the lost causes one.

That is exactly
who St. Jude is.

Bravo to you.

No, I found it fascinating.

And there's one
for selling houses,

but you have to bury his head
in the ground.

Bury the entire statue.

The Lord works in mysterious
ways--look at you.

It's funny how "mysterious"
and "ridiculous"

are sometimes interchangeable.

Yeah, sometimes,
I suppose.

Here's the thing.
God tapped my shoulder.

- Oh.
- He said to me,

"Ask about the gifts."

And remember when we were
talking Tiffany blue boxes?

- Remember that?
- Yes, I remember.

Remember what you told me
about the flowers

- from his yard in Scotland?
- Yes, and--

- and meeting Filomena?
- Who's Filomena?

His nanny who raised him,
who he loves like no other?

Oh, the ancient
Scottish woman?

Yes.
She is his connection.

The closest thing to family
that he has ever had,

next to me.

And he sent her
to check me out?

Which showed me and told me,
which made me know

that he loves you.

Well...
[Chuckles]

And I knew
that was my out.

And the guilt he felt
was enormous.

And my retirement package,
more than I could have dreamed.

He gave me a golden parachute.
Pardon the expression.

- Oh.
- You familiar with that term?

- Yes, I a--
well, of course I am, I was in--

did you not read my book?

- I was in the finance world, so--
- I certainly did.

- Yes.
- That was quite something.

So he's given me enough
to start my life anew,

and I'm heading on out
to Palm Springs.

I'm gonna open a retirement
village center golf course

for ex-nuns.

- Oh.
- They are all so athletic.

It's really amazing.
I think all the genuflecting

builds up the thigh muscles--
the eye/hand coordination

from so many years
of crossing themselves.

They are spirited,
spirited women

who need a place
to go and relax

with someone who understands
them, and I believe that's me.

Well, so you've--
well, you're very clever.

So congratulations, Fiona,
Austen is all yours.

I'd like to just tell you that
Filomena has a peanut allergy,

and she is lactose
intolerant.

So come the holidays--
and every holiday will be spent

with Filomena and Austen--
please be conscious of that.

She is getting old,
and we wouldn't want anything

to happen to her.

No. She is getting old.

- The little cough she had?
- Yes.

- Is it...
- Sinus mold. Chronic.

Oh, not a tubercular cough?

- Oh, no, no.
- Okay.

Just, you know,
sometimes

I swab the inside
of each nostril

with some vaseline,

and that gives her
a little comfort.

But it's not going to ever
take away.

Okay, well, then she is
really gonna miss you.

Certainly. But she's all yours
from now on.

So thank you.
This has really been

a blessed event
knowing you.

Well, happy I could help
and give you this gift.

Yes, and you have.
Peace be with you, Fiona.

And you.

Yes. Lift up our hearts.

We lift the up to the Lord.

Let us give thanks
to the Lord our God.

It is right to give him
thanks and praise.

- Amen.
- Thank you.

Just, I'm--
I'm confused about one thing.

So true love means
no expensive gifts--

- Ever.

[Jazzy music]

[Keyboard keys clicking]

Fiona, I can't find
my blue suit--where is it?

It just came back
from the dry cleaners.

- I'll bring it up.
- No, you--

- All right, here it is.
- Oh.

- Want me to pack it for you?
- No, no, I'm fine.

- I can do it, thanks.
- All right.

I forget where
you're going this time.

I'm going to Boston.

Your mother's having
a fund-raiser for me.

Oh, that's right.
How awful.

It's a mistake to have anything
to do with her,

as far as I'm concerned.

Look, Ben thinks
it's a great idea.

He's meeting me
at the airport,

and your mother is a doll
for doing this.

- Ben?
- Ben Tomlin,

my campaign manager.
Oh, you hired Ben Tomlin.

- Yes.
- I didn't know.

Well, did I not get
an email about that?

Check your spam folder.

Well, I don't think
that he'd be in spam.

All right.

Kip, you don't wear boxers,
do you?

No, I hate boxers.

That reminds me,
we got a lovely donation

- from Trent and Camilla bowner.
- Nice.

Look, sweetie, I need to use
the bathroom for a minute.

Could you, uh--could you manage
my toiletries bag?

- It's right there.
- Yes.

This is toiletry.

Ooh! Oh!

You're gonna have to pay extra
for the weight.

I don't know why
it was balled up

in the back of the trunk
of my car,

but I got it out, and--
ow--

and I was able to take it
and steam it,

so it'll be ready for your
appearance in half an hour.

I also put the two buttons
back in

that you popped out
at the pancake breakfast.

So you're good to go.

Wait, what appearance
in a half an hour?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you're reading
to the schoolchildren

at the counsel for the disabled
orphan immigrants.

Oh, no.
I'm not going to do that.

- You have to cancel that.
- Ow, oh.

Well, why don't you
turn that off?

- Yeah, okay.
- 'Cause you don't seem

to know how to use it properly.

I don't think
I can cancel.

You're reading literally
in half an hour.

They told me
they got the kids ready.

It takes them a while
for all of them

to actually sit in circle time,

'cause some of them
aren't always upright.

They keep putting me
with children,

and that's just wrong.

Why would I have anything
to do with children?

- So--
- True, but some of them--

It's really not on message
and I don't think

it's a smart move
for the campaign.

I'm not going.

- Did you--?
- I'm busy.

I have a lot
of clients now.

- Everything's exploding.
- Sure.

Since, you know,
some of my visibility

has gone up
from the campaign.

- Yeah, which is great.
- So I'm too busy.

- Let's cancel.
- Cancel, right.

But did you talk
to Ben about that?

'Cause I know Ben
thought this would be

a really good opportunity,

especially since some
of those kids are so weak and--

- Well, Ben is wrong.
- Oh, right.

And I don't answer to Ben,
because we're actually

on the same team.

And by "team,"
I mean he answers to me.

Answers to you.
Okay, that makes sense.

Okay, so I'll call him
and tell him--

In fact,
you know what?

You're reminding me.

I need to schedule something
with Ben Tomlin.

I need to speak with him
about these appearances.

- Okay.
- So make that happen.

- All right?
- Okay.

- And scheduling.
- Got it, all right.

[Hissing sound]

Ow.
Oh, that's just water.

- That's just water.
- I don't care.

Hot water.

[Groans]

- Hello, Robin.
- Dr. Wallace.

Thank you so much
for seeing me.

I really appreciate
you taking the time.

No, I mean--well, forgive me
if I don't seem delighted.

No, no, no,
no, no, of course.

And before you say anything,
I just want you to know

I'm here to make amends.

I, uh...

I recognize that what
I did was despicable.

I've, uh--
I've gotten some help.

I'm in a--
I'm in a program.

12-step program
from what it sounds like.

"Amends."

Yes, I mean, it's--
it's--it was deplorable.

And despicable.

To pursue a married man?
Another woman's husband?

From the bottom of my heart,
I realize that

going after your husband
was, you know,

not only a betrayal to you
and to myself,

but to women everywhere.

And, uh...

I'm sorry.

I hope you can forgive me.

Well, that's an important
step you're taking.

Yes, thank you
for acknowledging that.

It really is.

Okay, I could
forgive you for that.

It was just a bad choice
on your part.

It--it was, absolutely.

Thank you, that's
incredibly generous of you

and, I mean, you should know
my life has been

a complete wreck
since then.

- I, uh...
- Well, that's good.

- So I did it.
- Thank you.

- It's, uh, it's--
- Are we finished?

It's been hard--
it's been really, uh--

it's been challenging for me
after the Kip situation.

I, uh, started to do some
very self-destructive things.

Oh.

Well, I saw you eating
a tremendous amount

of snack foods, so--

- Then I lost my job.
- Oh.

- Yeah.
- What was your job?

- I didn't know--
- I'm a filmmaker.

- You're a filmmaker?
- Mm-hm.

Oh.

Well, there couldn't
have been much work

in Philadelphia anyway.

But anyway,
enough about me.

I see--it's so exciting
what's happening for you.

Kip running for Congress.

I mean, I see him everywhere
and I see you everywhere.

Oh, thank you.

I think he's gonna be
a wonderful congressman.

- He'll serve you well.
- The best.

He's got my vote,
absolutely.

- Oh, that's good.
- I'm happy for his success.

And for yours.
And by the way,

I love your new hair.

Well, we figured
for the campaign--

Uh-huh.

That, you know,
the candidate's wife,

you know, it's okay.

You look like
the First Lady.

Oh, well, that's--
it's a little soon for that.

You look gorgeous.
You're radiant.

Well, now I get to have
hair and makeup come every day.

I've been trying people out.

Well, not like you need it.
But really, it's--

- That's nice.
- And how are things with Kip?

Well, it's very exciting,

and Kip and I are
doing very well, thank you.

- We really are.
- So he obviously

talked to you about it
after I filled you in, right?

- Whew!
- After you filled me in.

Well, you know,
look, what you said was--

That was a doozy.

Can I call you Fiona?
Is that--

Oh, sure, yeah.

- Fi.
- Well, Fiona.

Fiona.
That killed me.

I mean,
I was devastated by it.

I had never had--first of all,
I've never had a man

not be attracted to me.
I mean, well...

Oh, right.
Those issues, yes.

And then--
but more than that--

I almost forgot
who I was talking to.

To not be attracted to me
because he thought I was a man.

- Like, that killed me.
- Well, when I heard that...

- Right?
- Okay.

All of these red flags flew up
from the past 17 years.

- [Gasps]
- Going back, "oh, is that..."

"Oh, is he gay?

"Oh, is that when he was gay,
you know, when he was--

became best friends
with that tennis instructor?"

Right.

Who was a little
light on his feet.

- I, you know--
- You poor thing.

I'm sorry you had to live
through even a moment of that.

Because I was devastated by it,
so I can't imagine.

Well, I don't get devastated,
you know?

- No?
- Because you were, I think,

more damaged to begin with.

- But I started an investigation.
- Well, what did you find?

Oh, you don't have to tell me.
Obviously, this is--

Well, it doesn't matter,
I don't think.

No, no, no.

You're not really
of any consequence to us

at this point, you know?

- No.
- You're so far removed.

But, you know,
I did an investigation.

I broke into his Visa account

- to access purchases.
- You did?

And there were
some very suspicious ones.

Very incriminating purchases
from places called, you know,

"Midnight Tran to Georgia."

I don't know if it's a shop
or a club.

And there was, you know,
"Manly and Lacey,"

which is some kind of club
I think, I don't frequent it--

- Oh, no.
- So I don't know.

And I had to confront Kip
about it.

Oh, you poor thing.

Came this close
to splitting up over it.

No.

I'm not trying to impose
more guilt onto you, but--

- No, no, but I'm sorry.
- You know, we came very close.

No, but he had an explanation
for all of it.

Did you believe it?

I mean, I don't know.
I mean, you're way--

obviously you're so smart
that you probably saw

- right through it.
- Well, I didn't--

at first I didn't believe it.

But whether I believed him
or not is immaterial, you know.

Then he was making his bid
for Congress.

Right, right.

And, uh, I--you know,
in a relationship, Robin,

maybe this is a, you know,
"teachable" moment for you.

Please, I'm like a sponge.
Tell me.

They, you know,
in a relationship,

one has to decide
to believe their partner.

- Right, right.
- You know?

You're committed
to it and so,

okay, it was for
a bachelor party...

Mm-hm.

Where every man loves,
you know,

some novelty item from
"Midnight Tram to Georgia,"

- okay.
- Uh-huh.

- [Laughs] You know?
- Wow.

But anyway, it got us
to where we are now.

- Well, thank you.
- Yes.

I mean, that's insightful
and, um, I appreciate, uh,

all of your help,
and, um...

It's my pleasure.
I'm so happy

to see you're
coming out the other--

the other side of that.

- I am.
- Yeah.

You've helped me immeasurably.
Thank you.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

You've been
tremendously helpful.

Well...

What--what is that?

Are you listening
to something now?

Making a call, or--
[Laughs]

No, actually, I, uh...

I, uh...
[Cell phone beeps]

It's just been a recording
of the conversation

that we just had.
[Fiona's voice talking]

Which I think,
if I'm not crazy--

[chuckles]
And I'm not--

uh, it's gonna play great,
and the media's gonna love this.

Especially that bit...
You recorded what...

- about the Midnight--
- ...we just spoke about just now?

You recorded that?

- Yeah.
- The depths of your duplicity.

Really, it knows
no boundaries, does it?

- Thank you.
- I mean,

you're truly
a despicable person.

Thank you.

- Oh, hello, Ben.
- Good morning, Fiona.

Good morning, it's--uh,
what a surprise

to encounter you
this way.

Well, I heard that
this was probably the best,

uh, way to reach you.

We had trouble
with your cell phone.

Um, nobody seemed to have
the actual number.

Oh, okay.

Well, I don't use it a lot
because I'm in--

I'm having sessions today
with clients, so...

Well, I'm sorry
to interrupt your

I'm sure undoubtedly
very busy schedule.

But thank you for, um,
uh, clicking me, I guess.

- Well--
- It's a pleasure.

[Laughs]
Well, I won't refuse you.

You're too important to us,
you know?

[Laughs]
Absolutely.

Well, we're a team, you know?
That's what we all are.

Well, good,
I'm glad you see it that way,

because we are a team, I--
you know, all right.

Uh, well, I was--

I wanted to go over
some of the, um...

Some of the people

that we already have
on the team, if I could.

Oh, yes, well--and you know,
I got you Richard Pratt.

- Mm-hmm.
- From Lachman Brothers.

An old associate of mine.

- Uh, yes. He is here.
- And that's working out well.

Uh, h-what I, uh,
would like to say

is that he is

a fascinating addition
to the team.

All right, well,
I assume he's working out,

'cause I'm not
hearing any complaints.

And to that end, um,
I'd like to also, um...

furnish you
with a documentarian

that Kip and I
would like to hire.

We would like
the campaign to hire.

Her name is Robin Griner.

And we assume we'll need
a documentarian to film sort--

- Okay, I'm sorry, hold--hold--
hold on one sec--

did y--this is--
this is someone--a doc--

someone who's gonna be in charge
of the image of the campaign?

- That you know? That I don't?
- Well...

You're in charge
of the image of the campaign.

- Thank you.
- Make no mistakes.

But Robin is--is a noted
filmmaker, all right?

And Kip and I
have a history with her.

Could you tell me
some of her titles?

Well, you can
Google her if you like.

She's a filmmaker.
There aren't--

can't be that many
in Philadelphia,

- but she's the only one of--
- Okay.

You know, that meant anything,
or so she said.

But she--
Kip and I need her.

So, this really
isn't a question.

- Oh--right.
- This is more of a, um,

a directive.

You will hire Robin Griner...
- Oka--

to be the documentarian
of the campaign.

Well, I'd love to, um--
to consider that.

That's--that's a great way to--
to put it.

Well, it's your way
of putting it.

It's not for consideration,
and you need to trust me.

Trust that
I'm protecting you.

Well, and I--
you know what?

By not furnishing you
with too many details.

I--uh, first of all,
I like your--your style

that we've got each other's
backs, you know.

- Because that's what this is.
- Yes.

But I will need
to really find out more--

No, this will be the end

of the discussion
of Robin Griner.

I'm going to be making
these kinds of decisions, Ben.

I have his ear.
Pillow talk, and all of that.

- I-I don't--
- Not that--

we don't actually
share a bed any more,

'cause it's easier
to sleep alone.

- It's a better night's sleep.
- Really?

But--well, anyway,
I think, um...

I think we're done
with that issue.

I--but--

So, if there's anything else
you need, let me know.

Sure. Sure, we've--we've got
a couple of things, if I could.

First of all, on the, um,
sleeping separately issue,

I-I would just for--
I don't know, rule of thumb,

I would just not bring that up
on the campaign stop.

No, I usually don't divulge
intimate details of my marriage.

Trust me.

- And didn't plan on it.
- People--

people will take that ball
and run with it

in, you know,
whatever direction they want.

Well, I think I'm pretty good
with--with people.

You're excellent.
I mean...

- Although I--yeah.
- What I'd love to do is--

what I'd love to do,
if I could, uh, Fiona,

is to go over
some of the issues

of the campaign
that we're focusing on...

- Right.
- Just to make sure that

we're all on the same page.

I'd love us all to be
on the same page.

- Oh, good, yes. All right.
- Okay.

Uh...

So, on, uh, immigration.

Oh, I have very strong views
on immigration. Very strong.

But I'm hoping
that they dovetail, uh,

with what we have
already stated publicly,

and what Kip,
most importantly--

'cause that's what this
is all about, really.

This is about Kip's vision.

I assume that he and I
are in sync on that.

That, you know, we're not
really for immigration,

or it should be
very selective immigration,

because, you know,
the people from other places,

you know, they're leaving some
unhappy, unfortunate situation

and bringing
the misery over here,

and we frankly
don't need it.

Right, but the--

the happy face that we can
put on this, really,

is that with all that said,
immigration is going to occur,

and the good news
for America with that,

and for our campaign,
is that, um,

you know, just taking
those opinions that you voiced--

That some of these people
are very productive.

And that this country
could benefit greatly

- from their personal resources.
- Right, right.

- Okay, good.
- I mean, I--but--

So then we're in
agreement on that.

Uh, no-- I mean,
absolutely we are,

but what I'd like to do
is just make sure the message

that we're all saying
is the same,

as opposed
to our opinions.

Keep it selective.

Well, you know--

Vet the immigrants,
so that we can

weed out
the unsavory ones, right?

- [Chuckles]
- Okay.

Um, okay,
I'm gonna move on to, um...

Uh, the recession.
Okay.

Now, as we all know,

this is not America's
finest financial hour.

No, and I can
speak to that,

having worked
in the financial community.

In fact, I wrote the book
Whistling While I Worked,

which I'm sure you're aware of.

Uh, I am looking forward to
reading that in some future da--

Oh, you haven't
read it yet?

- That's not good...
- No.

- Preparation, I don't think.
- No. No, I didn't--

Because I'm now
somewhat of an expert.

You're a real
canary in the coal mine.

In a way. Well, yes, I was.
I'm glad I got out of it before.

[Chuckles]

A couple of other issues.

Um...

Healthcare.

- Hot-button issue.
- Yes.

Almost, you know, something
we--we want to address,

but we want
to not address sometimes,

because it's--you know, it's--
it's--there's a divide.

Here's a--um, you know,
this is an eye-catcher, I think.

This issue.
Because I th--

to me, healthcare is directly
related to the abortion issue.

Okay, but we don't ever
want to talk about that.

- I mean, that--abortion--
- Oh, but we have to.

You can't talk about one
without the other.

- Believe me, I-I--
- It's crucial.

Yes, and it's--the problem
is it's such a hot-button issue.

And I know this, because
I'm a survivor of abortion.

Oh.

- Um...
- How--how would that--

I'd like--another issue I'd
like to go over is, uh, obesity.

This is a problem

that is affecting greater
and greater numbers of people.

I have some fixes
to this problem.

- Okay.
- And I've told it to Kip.

Hopefully, you know,
it's gotten to you.

Well, most thing--
Kip and I--

we really get into
a lot of things together.

Oh, good, so, then you already
know of my suggestion,

which creates revenue
for the state,

is to impose some kind
of tax on the obese

whenever they buy

more than
a certain amount of food.

You know, and the campaign
should be, to the obese,

"Put down the breadstick."

- Okay.
- You know.

That's just--right there.
That's a solution to them.

A lot of--Pennsylvania

is one of the fattest states
in the nation,

- so, these people--
- Not Philadelphia, though.

Right?

Uh, well, you're--
as a congressman,

Kip will be representing
more than just Philadelphia.

I don't need to tell you
about the constitut--

But does
the rest of it count?

[Chuckles]
I mean, honestly.

[Chuckles]
Right.

But that'll be one of the--
we'll put that on the list

of things we don't
want to say in public.

Okay, right.

I did have one other
spontaneous thought.

Um...

I was doing some research, um,
for the last couple of days.

- Oh, how spontaneous.
- And, uh...

I can't find
any sign at all

of you being accredited
as a therapist.

Anywhere, in any--

Oh, well, it says that
I'm accredited on my site.

Right, I know, but saying
that you are accredited

is not the same
as being accredited.

You know what I mean?

Uh, but I'm
working on it.

- Right.
- And I just need

that 15 hours
of therapy for myself,

which, you know, obviously,
I've been avoiding,

'cause it's not my own method,
it's, you know,

50-minute sessions,
and oh...

[Laughs]
That's a lot.

- Right.
- So, uh...

That's all I need to do,
but I am...

- Virtually accredited.
- Right.

The word--the problem
with the law

is words like "virtually"
and "almost," um, make it--

Oh, so, it's a legal issue.
I see.

So, shall I just
take all of my clients

and restore them to insanity...
[Chuckles]

So that we can stay within
the letter of the law?

- Yeah--
- That seems unethical.

- Right.
- And unkind.

Right, right.
Uh, the government.

Right? But that's what
we're looking to get into.

You know, is--if we want to be
part of the government,

we have to follow the law.

Oh, right,
so no more traffic tickets

- or--right, I understand. Okay.
- Right.

Uh, so, Fiona, I'm--I'm--
really must say, thank you.

I'm excited by our partnership,
but I-I do have to run.

The phones are--as you can
imagine, are going crazy.

That's all right.
I have to go too.

I have about 18 minutes' worth
of sessions ahead of me,

- so, it was good to see you.
- Okay, no, no--no more ther--

[mellow, jazzy music]

♪ ♪

Dear God.

You're in for
one hell of a road, honey.

And I'm off to Palm Springs
with some almost-lesbians.

[Laughter]

♪ ♪

Honey, could you just,
um, handle my cosmetic--

- [laughs]
- I mean, my toiletries bag.

[Laughs]
Cut.

[Laughter]

♪ ♪

The problem is it's
such a hot-button issue,

and I know this because
I'm a survivor of abortion.

Oh.

- Um...
- How--how would that--

that's interesting.

[Laughs]

- Let's go--
- [Laughs]